Special Contributor

Surviving the holiday´s while being Black and Gay

By Brodderick Roary

Fall/Winter is a notoriously emotional time for many. The holidays pose a particularly difficult experience for anyone with less than a Norman Rockwell-esque family situation, and Seasonal Affective Disorder doesn’t help. But for gay, bisexuals, and those of trans experience, there’s often an added sense of depression. For many gay people, going home to family means entering a toxic environment where they can’t fully be themselves. For others, there’s not a family to go home to in the first place.

The holidays bring up a certain degree of sadness for anyone that isn’t in a relationship, but then there’s this added family piece in our community. Many of us are reminded over the holidays that our family never fully accepted us for who we are, and if we are going home, we are faced with the reality that we can’t bring our full self-home – we need to be that modified, censored version that will live up to mom and dad’s standards.

But just as with any trigger experience, there are tools for any gay person struggling to cope with the holidays. Here are some suggestions that will help you get through the holiday season...

Set boundaries where you need to...You never have to partake in anything that you don’t want to and learning to say no to the family is crucial for mental health. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, it means that you are different from them, and that’s okay.”

• Instead of staying in the toxic heteronormative house where you pretended your Rhythm Nation poster was because of your childhood crush on Janet Jackson, opt for a hotel.

• If the family wants to go to attend the church that convinced you your identity is a sin, politely decline to spend your time doing something that feeds your soul and spirit.

• When the family member who always has something smart to say about you and your sexuality, leave the room. • Have a safe person that you can call at any time who will not invalidate what you’re saying, even if it sounds irrational. Someone who can just listen and be there for you, ideally someone who is also queer and can empathize with your situation. Establish this connection before the holidays, and let the person know exactly what you need from them.

• As gay people, our first instinct is often

to hide our pain and keep everything inside because at one point in our lives we had to — it was way too risky to share our truth. This is a pattern that needs to be challenged in our adult lives if we want to be emotionally healthy.

3. Shake Things Up

• If you’re feeling anxious, depressed, or constrained at home, another option is to shake things up a bit and express parts of yourself that you might not have expressed in the past. • Sometimes our fears and the way we censor

ourselves around family are based more on our own shame and internalized homophobia than on our reality in the present day. All of our fears are there for a reason, but maybe they’re in need of an update. Often, people do change and become more accepting, but they can only show that they’ve changed if we take the risk of presenting a new side of ourselves. By making the decision to show up authentically, you subconsciously say to your family, “I’m okay with me now, are you?” And remember, the answer to the second part of that sentence doesn’t change the first part.

• Of course, it’s a fine line here, between

furthering your authenticity with family and protecting yourself from further pain and invalidation. Your gut is always your best compass but try not to write people off before filling out the situation.

4. Chosen Family

If you’re not going home, the holidays are a great opportunity to build your chosen family. This means being both proactive and vulnerable. It’s easy to let old narratives keep you isolated and fulfill your worst nightmare — if you believe that you are hopelessly alone and no one wants to spend the holidays with you, and you don’t challenge that belief, then you will likely create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If instead, you challenge those beliefs and commit to being proactive and vulnerable, then you will find people to spend the holidays with because there are so many LGBTQ people in the exact same position as you.

5. Focus On Self Care

It’s basic, but we forget about it during the holidays because there is so much going on. Sleep, diet, exercise, and consciously carving out time for an activity that restores you is crucial at this time of year to refill your tank and take care of your body.