Health & Wellness

By Umieca N. Hankton, Ph.D.

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO THE HOLIDAY PARTY?

Grief SUCKS! I'm sure there's a more sophisticated way of saying that, but I am choosing to honor my raw emotions. Symptoms of grief can feel overwhelming. But, I find that grief SUCKS more

intensely during the holiday season. The year my mother died, I agreed to spend Christmas with my aunts and cousins. The gesture was kind

and their intentions were good; however, I was miserable. I expected to

spend several hours laughing, smiling, and listening to family stories.

I thought I would be distracted from the paralyzing weight of my

grief. But, I don't remember too many moments of laughter that year;

I remember an indescribable sense of loneliness and a readiness to crawl back into my bed. It never occurred to me that I would feel so alone in the presence of my loved ones. I quickly learned the holidays can trigger a plethora of uncomfortable emotions. Here are a few

gentle considerations as the holiday season approaches:

Pace yourself: Don't expect yourself to move as you did before your loved one transitioned. A once familiar routine or place may begin to

feel foreign; this experience is completely normal. You will need time

to adjust to living and breathing in the absence of your loved one. You

owe it to yourself not to rush through this process. Healing takes time.

Be a storyteller: As often as your heart permits, share stories about your loved one with others. Story-telling is a way to honor the fact that

your loved one continues to live in your heart. Be selective: Be intentional with whom you share your time and energy this season. People who know you have experienced a

significant loss may invite you to join their holiday gatherings because

they do not want you to be alone. Their intentions are good. However,

there's no need to feel obligated to attend any function to appease

others. You might find it emotionally exhausting to fake a smile or

chuckle just so others feel at ease or less concerned about you. If you accept an invite, it's more than acceptable to rescind your RSVP later. If you decide to attend an event, but after arriving, you feel an aching

desire to leave, it is honorable to thank the host for the invitation and

Dr. Umieca N. Hankton is a licensed clinical psychologist and owner of UNH Counseling Services. Dr. Hankton's clinical interests include the mental health and wellness of Black women, LGBTQ+,

clergy, and college students. Clinical

services are available to those located in TN, LA, TX, GA, WI, AL, D.C., IL, MN, & KY. To learn about the services offered, depart. With what little energy you may have in your body, you must

choose to do what is best for you every time. Do not be a hermit: I know I said you do not have to attend holiday festivities. However, I want to also go on record and say I did not encourage you to withdraw completely. Grief can rob you of the

interest to connect meaningfully with others. Resist the urge to isolate

or disengage. If you decline holiday invitations, decide how you want

to observe the holidays, especially if you typically spend the holidays with your loved one. Pretending the holiday won't be impactful or "just another day" will not prove fruitful. Have a plan in mind. Will you cook?

Will YOU invite friends or family to gather together? Will you create a new tradition, travel, or register for a wellness retreat? Whatever you

do, do something!

Anticipate grief bursts: A grief burst is a burst of emotions such as

mourning and sadness resulting from unpredicted reminders of your

loved one, such as a special place, object, song, fragrance, sound,

holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. that reminds you of your loved ones. These bursts will occur unexpectedly throughout the grief

journey. When they occur, acknowledge to yourself and others that

you are experiencing a grief burst, share your thoughts and emotions,

and commit to doing something to honor the legacy of your loved one.

Schedule therapy sessions: Be proactive with your heart and schedule an appointment to speak with a therapist about grief. While

grief is a unique experience, a licensed professional can help you to

navigate the journey by normalizing your experience and educating

you on what to expect and how to manage most effectively during

challenging moments.

Set boundaries: Again, most people mean well, but humans can

utter unhelpful words at a vulnerable time in your life. Your grief journey

is yours and you do not have to give into anyone's attempt to guilt you

into doing anything you don't want to do. You also do not have to listen to any unsolicited "if I were you" or "your (insert loved one's name)

would not want you to do or feel like this" advice. Life is too precious

to give into the pressures of doing anything other than what YOU

want to do. While we cannot regulate when or how grief shows up, we can

determine what we do when grief invites itself to the party. This

holiday, give yourself the gift of choosing how you want to observe

the season and with whom you want to share time and space. GRIEF sucks; there's no need to add to the weight of grief by doing anything

that does not support healing or wellness.

RAVEN KELLY

MISS BLACK MEMPHIS

Miss Gay Black Memphis was established over 65 years ago in Memphis, TN. Many of the Titleholders are often seen as the best in the industry. Miss Gay Black Memphis is the longest running black pageantry system in Tennessee. Created uniquely in an era that only allowed men to dress in drag (but still must wear men's undergarments). Initially, the pageant was held only on Halloween night due to strict laws that prohibited men to dress in female attire. The Miss Gay Black Memphis pageant was the first pageant in Memphis to highlight and recognize African American female impersonators. In 2000, owner and former Miss Gay Black Memphis, Tamika St. John created Miss Gay Black Memphis Plus. My mother, the Devine Tanisha Cassidine was crowned at Club Incognito in October of 2001. Formers include Katrina Davenport Dupree, Ivy White, Porsha Buchanan, Khari Kane, Dawn Cassadine and Anivia C Kelly.

I have always been intrigued with pageantry. Once me and my former lover, (Krayola Cassadine) purchased a camcorder from Best Buy to start recording pageants. As luck would have it the first pageant, we recorded was Mr. and Miss Gay Black Memphis in 2001. Everything I know about female impersonation came from watching that VHS, which I still have to this day. I would copy everything those entertainers did, from hair design to modeling, from presentation speeches to talent routines, I’d soak it all up. Dante Arnold, Paul Thomas, Tanisha Cassadine and Trent Simmons would come over and bring pageant tapes over and would educate me not only on the art of female impersonation, but Memphis drag pageantry especially the history and legacy of Black Memphis and its formers. Throughout my career, I have always held Miss Black Memphis to the highest regards (being that both my gay parents Enrique St James Sanchez and Tanisha Cassadine are formers). I have hosted the pageant twice and have helped 4 of my sisters capture the title so about 4 years ago I decided to compete. After receiving first runner up twice, I was a little nervous about competing this year. After being reassured by my biological Mother, Jennifer Mclin to never give up, I captured the title on July 17th winning every category. Capturing the title of Miss Black Gay Memphis is my biggest accomplishment to date, throughout my career I have invested a huge amount of work and sacrifice into winning it. Not only am I able to continue “both” of my parents’ legacy, but I am also able to give back to a community that has given so much to me. My name is among a list of entertainers that risk their freedom so that I may be able to freely and creatively be Raven St. James Kelly. I will use my platform as Miss Gay Memphis Plus to make drag “great” again. To show my children Kamiya, Shanice, Anivia, Elvis, Ace, DQ, Safari, Libya, Jayda, Fancee, Tgotti, Deno, Saiyvion and Semaji to never give up. Miss Gay Black Memphis is a pageant that speaks for itself. My dreams coming true was an act of sheer will and determination and I am a true testament of what God can do. Never underestimate or doubt yourself. As the voice and face of Miss Gay Black Memphis for the next 365 days I can undoubtedly say “Black Memphis is on the Move!”