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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUE • OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 ISSUE6169.

DECEMBER 11 - 17, 2013

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BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

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ALBUM REVIEW 16 Done

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MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY - SOMETHING IN THE AIR

COLLATERAL DAMAGE

Is the signature smell of Texas A&M University more “Italian lemon, bergamot and iced pineapple” (that open into “a body of vivid florals, raw nutmeg and cinnamon”) or more “bat feces” and “chilifest stink”? The two commentaries were contrasted in a November Wall Street Journal report on the introduction of Masik Collegiate Fragrances’ Texas A&M cologne (one of 17 Masik college clients) at around $40 for a 1.7-ounce bottle. Louisiana State University’s scent conjures up, insisted one grad, the campus’s oak trees, but so far has pulled in only $5,500 for the school. (To a football rival of LSU, the school’s classic smell is less oak tree than “corn dog.”) The apparent gold standard of fan fragrance is New York Yankees cologne, which earned the team nearly $10 million in 2012.

-- Latest Collateral Damage: (1) In October, a 28-year-old man, reeling from a domestic argument in Port Richey, Fla., put a gun to his head and, against his girlfriend’s pleas, fired. As a neighbor across the street stood on her porch, the suicide bullet left the victim’s head and made three wounds on the neighbor’s leg, sending her to the hospital. (2) About a week later, on the Norwegian island of Vesteroy, a moose hunter missed his target but hit an obscured cottage in the distance, wounding a man in his 70s as he answered nature’s call. He was airlifted to Ullevaal University Hospital in Oslo.

RECURRING THEMES

-- Among America’s most prolific “fathers” (in this case, perhaps better considered “egg-fertilizers”) are Nathaniel Smith, age 39, who claimed on TV’s “Divorce Court” in September that he is the father of 27, and the late Samuel Whitney, whose grown stepdaughter Lexie Woods learned that he claimed 54 before he died in July at age 87. Smith (known in Dayton, Ohio, as “Hustle Simmons”) insisted that he is a fine father (doesn’t smoke or drink, keeps contact with most of the kids, has “only” 21 child-support orders out), and besides, he told WHIO-TV, “I know of people who have even more than me.”

(Among Whitney’s belongings, said Woods, were a “pile” of birth certificates and a stash of maximum-strength Viagra. “He was a likable man, a ladies’ man.”)

-- In November, barely two weeks after a small plane carrying 10 skydivers left no survivors when it crashed on the way to an exhibition near Brussels, Belgium, nine skydivers were able to dive for safety when two planes headed for a tandem jump collided near Superior, Wis. News stories did not address how experienced skydivers escaped one plane but not the other.

-- In November, Michael Brown, 19, became the most recent person with poor decision-making skills forced to report to a police station (this, in College Station, Texas) in the middle of the night to ask that officers please remove the handcuffs he had been playing around with. (Following the officers’ mandatory records check, it was learned that Brown had an arrest warrant for criminal mischief, and following a mandatory search, that he also had two ounces of marijuana in his pocket.)

STOCK MARKET -- Some Americans still believe that stock market sales are typically made human-to-human, but the vast majority of buys and sells now are made automatically by computers, running pattern-detecting programs designed to execute millions of trades, in some cases, less than one second before rival computer programs attempt the same trades. In September, a Federal Reserve Board crisis involved, at most, seven milliseconds’ time. The Fed releases market-crucial news typically at exactly 2 p.m. Washington, D.C., time, tightly controlled, transmitted by designated news agents via fiber optic cable. On Sept. 18, somehow, traders in Chicago reportedly beat traders elsewhere to deal an estimated $600 million worth of assets -- when theoretically, access to the Fed’s news should have been random. (In other words, the drive to shave milliseconds off the “speed of light”

-- Toilets are always a favorite protest symbol, most recently employed by David Labbe, disputing a zoning decision by officials in Augusta, Maine, preventing the sale of his house to Dunkin’ Donuts (for, he said, three times what he paid), and he has begun lining his property with discarded toilets. Augusta-native Labbe says he has given up on his city and his neighbors (who fear traffic problems if a Dunkin Donuts opens). (On the same day, coincidentally, toilets made news in Los Angeles, where YoYo Li was about to open the city’s first toilet-themed restaurant, patterned after several in Taiwan in which diners squat at tables and eat off commode-shaped serving vessels.)

CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE -- Many men have fallen for underage-sex stings (tricked by NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” or by law enforcement nationwide), but perhaps Cliff Oshman, 64, of Daytona Beach is the first to have brought his wife and young daughter along to meet the girl he was seducing. Oshman was arrested in October, and as usual, the “victim” did not exist except as the persona of an undercover cop.

UPDATE

-- In November, barely two weeks after a small plane carrying 10 skydivers left no survivors when it crashed on the way to an exhibition near Brussels, Belgium, nine skydivers were able to dive for safety when two planes headed for a tandem jump collided near Superior, Wis. News stories did not address how experienced skydivers escaped one plane but not the other.

A formal investigation into the strange death of British intelligence code-breaker Gareth Williams concluded in November with a police judgment that the death was an accident, despite the body’s having been discovered inside a zippered and padlocked garment bag in an otherwise unused bathtub in his London apartment.

An earlier inquest into the 2010 death had unsatisfactorily failed to rule out foul play, setting up the police examination, but two facts stood out, according to the officer in charge: The key to the padlock was found within easy reach of the bag, and, according to experts, even though no usable fingerprints or DNA was found in the apartment, it had not been “deep-cleaned” (as might be expected in a death with intel-op implications).

(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition?

Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net.

Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.)

COPYRIGHT 2013 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

CONCERT BEAT CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713 The Young Guns, Dec 11 Girlfriend in a Coma Dec 13 Kix, Dec 14 Chris Webby, Dec 15

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Z100’s Jingle Ball, Dec 13 • Paul Simon & Sting, Mar 4

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA TICKETS 610-434-4600

TICKETS 570-325-0249 Peek-A-Boo Revue, Dec 13 Coal Country Christmas, Dec 14 Albert Cummings Band, Dec 19

MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 Prince, Dec. 27

MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Rob Base, Dec 28 Burlesque Show, Dec 29 The B Street Band, Jan 10

Nitro Circus Live, Jan 9 Jay Z, Jan 29

Sarah Ayers & Friends, Dec 20 Southside Johnny & The Asbury Jukes, Dec 21 Jimmy And THe Parrots, Dec 27

MAIN GATE, Allentown PA TICKETS 610-898-7200

Myth Busters, Dec 12 XFE Cage Wars, Dec 14 World Championship Boxing, Dec 18 Kenny G Holiday Show, Dec 19 Smokey Robinson, Dec 27 Larry The Cable Guy, Dec 28 The Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D, New Years Eve, Dec 31 (Vision Bar) Joy Behar, Jan 10 Pink Floyd Dark Side, Jan 11 Lisa Lampanelli, Feb 15

Billy Currington, Mar 27 Jim Gaffigan & The White Bread Tour, Mar 29 Lewis Black, Apr 14 Franki Avalon, Fabian, Bobby Rydell, May 15

FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-826-1100 Bryan Adams, Dec 10

SANTANDER ARENA, Reading, PA TICKETS 610-898-7469 Beach Boys, Dec 13 Tony Bennet, Dec 21 Jeff Dunham, Dec 29

Crazy Hearts, Dec 14 • Yellow Card, Feb 4

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TICKETS (215) 922-5483

TICKETS (215) 627-1332 Get the Led Out, Dec 14 Zedd, Dec 28 Dark Star Orchestra, Dec 29 Lotus-Risky Disko, Dec 30 MGMT, Jan 3

Hot Water Music, Dec 13 The Devil Wears Prada, Dec 14 Protest the Hero, Dec 15 Mantis Music Showcase, Dec 28 Voletta, Jan 4 David Koechner, Jan 11 Rupal’s Drag Race, Jan 16 Brotherly Breakdown Fest, Jan 18 Mantis Music Showcase, Jan 31

(610) 743-3069 Battery, Dec 20 Bam Margera, Dec 21 H2O, Dec 28 Abigal Williams, Jan 18 Bonz, Jan 23

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650 The Wooten Brothers, Dec 12 Rick Springfield, Dec 13 Andrew Dice Clay, Dec 14 The Beach Boys, Dec 15

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA

Twelve-Twenty Four, Dec 12 Cage Rage, Dec 14 Men of the Strip, Dec 19 Christian Porter, Dec 20

Phil Vassar, Jan 11 KIX, Jan 31 Fran Cosmo, February 1 Changes in Latitudes, Feb 8

TICKETS 570-420-280 Page 8

Reggie Watts, Dec 11 GRITS & BISCUITS, Dec 13 The English Beat, Dec 20 GWAR, Dec 27 Stone Sour, Jan 18

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Scythian, Dec 13 Swearingen & Kelli, Dec 15 Rob Stoneback Big Band, Dec 19

TICKETS 212-777-6800

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA

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TICKETS 610-332-1300

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IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY

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MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ Demi Lovato, Mar 1 Robin Thicke, Mar 6

Abk, Dec 18 I The Breather, Dec 21 For Today, Feb 15 Battle For All Stars, Feb 16

Rod Stewart, Dec 11 Drake, Dec 18

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY

Clutch, Dec 28 Over the Years, Jan 10 Galactic, Feb 9 Rebelution, Feb 12

TICKETS 570-325-0371

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11,2013

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524

Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 12/13 Alias 12/14 Nite Flyte Live 12/18 Ladies Night Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Thurs: Open Mic Billy Patrick 12/13 the joes 12/14 Reaction Wave Night Club 22 N. 6th St 610-821-9283 Resident DJ Xtina Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music

BATH Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 12/14 DJ Statik / Karaoke

BETHLEHEM Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 12/11 Tavern Tan Band 12/12 Serene Green 12/13 Unpronounceable 12/14 Brother JT 12/15 Jazz Jam Night 12/16 Elloyt Ray 12/17 Born Crosseyed

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Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Strange Brew Bethlehem, Pa 18018 Tavern 610 865 1028 1996 S. Fifth St Monday: Trivia 610-841-3610 Friday DJ June Monday: Pong night Saturday DJ Cisco 12/13 Christopher Fri & Sat: Dance club/ Dean Band Karaoke 12/21 Endzone Bethlehem Brew Roosevelt’s 21st Works 1328 W. Tilghman St 569 Main St (610) 770-1444 610-882-1300 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Vision Bar @ Sands Live Entertainment Event Center Tim Harakal / Billy 77 Sands Boulevard Patrick / Strange 610-297-7410 Coincidence & More 12/13 Go Go Gadjet 12/14 DJ Reese

Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman

Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave 610-882-9190 Thursdays: Open Mic Tuesday’s - Trivia Saturday’-Karoke w/ Jason

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 12/11 DJ Aaron B 12/12 The Amish Outlaws 12/13 M80 12/14 Total Whiteout 12/15 The Fabulous Greaseband 12/16 Nowhere Slow 12/17 Lucky 7 Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee 12/14 Christian Loubitin Shoe Giveaway

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 12/13 The Kennedy’s 12/14 The NightHawks 12/15 Druckenmillers X-Mas in the Mountains The Broadway Social 217 Broadway 610-868-2555 12/21 White Christmas 12/31 NYE Bash

M-80 12/13 Molten Lounge Bethlehem, PA

12/13 Go Go Gadjet Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA

Shoe Giveaway 12/14 Roosevelt’s 21st Bethlehem, PA

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EMMAUS

Volpe’s Sports Bar 501 Main St 610-965-0311 12/13 DJ Amos 12/14 DJ Antbody

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The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke Fri - DJ Baby B 12/11 Jesse Wade & Co. 12/14 Angel Down

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Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 12/13 Blackout Party Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 12/12 Fortunate Fall 12/13 Brothers Duddy 12/14 Jeff Belfy & Co

Blackout Party 12/6 Drinky’s Easton, PA

MORE ON PAGE 32

Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours

THE 2013 THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT DECEMBER OCTOBER 9,11, 2013

by: Mitch

Rocks into the Night with a “Peak” Performance

38 Special’s Don Barnes and Danny Chauncey

With so many songs to play and a limited amount of time, 38 Special has cleverly compiled a 25-30 minute medley with lesser known but still popular songs like “Back to Paradise”, “Somebody Like You”, “Teacher Teacher” and “Honky Tonk Dancer.” Barnes deferred to keyboardist Bobby Capps for the vocals on “Second Chance”, a ballad hit for the band in 1988 when Barnes was not with the band at the time. They managed to work it into the medley quite nicely, playing the full song and Capps sang it beautifully with harmony help from others in the band.

Don Barnes’ 38 Special signature vocals and guitar shined on “Fantasy Girl” and “If I’d Been the One”, two popular hit songs that afforded Chauncey the opportunity to wail on guitar alongside Barnes. ZZ Top’s “Just Got Paid” seems to be a popular song for other bands to cover these days and 38 Special certainly did it justice as Barnes and Chauncey engaged in a back and

forth guitar duel.

Gary Moffatt’s drum solo was followed by “Caught Up In You”, another 38 Special big hit that got the crowd singing along again. Their biggest hit, “Hold On Loosely”, was saved for the encore and a hard rocking cover of CCR’s “Travelin’ Band” wrapped up the show as the band launched their guitar picks into the pit and a mad scramble ensued.

Suffice it to say that 38 Special are specialists at their craft and it appears that they’re still having way too much fun to even consider packing it in even though Donnie Van Zant is out of the picture. They’ve become a staple at Penn’s Peak and it really is the perfect place for them to play. It’s a fun time up on the mountain when these wild-eyed southern boys roll into town and I’m sure that it won’t be too long before they return to rock The Peak into the night.

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Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years!

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PAGE PAGE1111

Wild-eyed southern boys, 38 Special, played their hearts out for their northern counterparts at Penn’s Peak on Saturday, November 16 and it was pure rock and roll southern comfort. I didn’t plan on going but a friend heard me teasing the show on the radio earlier in the day and called me up to ask if I was going. I had seen them a few times over the years and really enjoyed those shows so I decided at the last minute to meet him up there to see how the band was faring in the absence of founding member, Donnie Van Zant.

Van Zant, 61, suffers from inner-ear nerve damage which has necessitated that he cease touring with the band - a band that he founded in 1974 with his Jacksonville, Florida buddy, Don Barnes.

According to 38 Special’s website, Van Zant continues to write and record with the band but will not be performing with them for the foreseeable future. While Van Zant was considered to be one of the main cogs of the group, playing guitar, contributing lead and back-up vocals and handling front man duties, those responsibilities have now fallen solely on the shoulders of Barnes. Barnes has a lot left in the tank and is more than comfortable in the front man role as his performance at The Peak was top notch.

Barnes does it all and does it well. An exceptional guitarist and lead vocalist, Barnes projects an energetic stage presence that can infectiously permeate an entire building. A likable guy with a sense of humor, he was largely responsible for the feel-good vibe that had the near capacity crowd at Penn’s Peak rockin’ and rollin’ into the night. He smiles a lot. He paces the stage a lot – moving from side to side, acknowledging all sections and segments of his audience while ripping on his electric guitar. Barnes’ ability to connect with his audience is a huge part of what makes a 38 Special concert so enjoyable. He’s having fun and it makes you want to have fun, too.

Barnes’ band mates are Danny Chauncey on guitar, Bobby Capps on keyboards and vocals, Gary Moffatt on drums and bassist Larry Junstrom although Junstrom was replaced on this particular night.

38 Special’s catalog is heavy-laden with hits and they tried, in earnest, to play them all beginning with “Rockin into the Night” which featured precision guitars, bass and drums. That kicked off an evening of a lot fist-pumping with a lot of heart-pumping rock rhythms.

Among Don Barnes’ many talents is playing harmonica. He prefaced “Back Where You Belong” with an impressive harp solo. “Wild-Eyed Southern Boys” elicited an impromptu sing-along and Barnes was fully engaged in cheering the crowd on to join him in the chorus. Even this Yankee northerner was compelled to chime in. Bad Company’s “Live For the Music” was a nice rhythmic change of pace.

I found myself stomping my foot to the beat and they rocked it pretty hard.

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013 Page 12

HOTSHOTS! HOTSHOTS!

If you are a bar or club that would like to featured in Hot Shots send us an email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

CRAWL DADDY’S 2nd ANNUAL CHRISTMAS CITY CRAWL ROCKED! BETHLEHEM’S TALLY HO & WOODEN MATCH

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

12 BARS OF CHRISTMAS

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013 Page 16

I was listening to the Jamiroquai-ish “Plus Minus.” One of record’s “heavier” tracks is the very catchy “Great Escape;” this is one of the album’s highlights. “Come Together” (no, it’s not a Beatles cover) is the first single, with a very sensual video to accompany it. With the lyrics “Baby could we spend a month here tonight / ‘til we both are painted by morning light

and ends abruptly with a single piano note.

/ whoever made you must’ve had a talent for high design / how in the world did you get to be so fine,” this would be a good song to throw on if you’re planning a romantic evening at home. It’s not a guarantee that you’re going to get laid, but hell… it’s worth a try. If you’re in the mood to listen to the theme song for a 1970’s game show then skip to “Where All the Songs Come From.” The melancholy “Lady Black” deals with unrequited love and “the one who got away.” The record comes to a close on “Hey, That’s No Way to Say Goodbye,”

Needless to say, Sons of the Sea is not what I had expected. In fact, this couldn’t be any further from that old Incubus sound.

Though warm and catchy, it seemed a little too hokey for my taste. Boyd did say that in the future he was planning to involve some collaborations in his recordings. This could hopefully bring some new creativity to his project. In the meantime, Sons of the Sea are embarking on a US tour early next year, which will make a stop at The Theater of the Living Arts in Philly on January 29th.

Crank It Jet Black Crow Great Escape Skip It Plus Minus Where All the Songs Come From

Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.

PAGE 16

It’s December… a month where I like to kick back, relax, eat, and drink copious amounts of egg nog; it seems as though the folks in the music industry have the same priorities. The month of December is generally a slow month for new music and album releases. Can you blame all the fat cat high powered record company execs who work tirelessly throughout the rest of the year to bring music to our ears? Sarcasm aside, I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do for this review.

There were a few albums that came out over the last couple of months that interested me, but I just couldn’t decide which one was worthy of a full listen and review. This is a busy time for all of us, so time has to be spent wisely. Thanks to a suggestion from my trusty co-worker Gina Crash, I settled upon the self-titled debut album from Incubus’ Brandon Boyd’s side project, Sons of the Sea. Though you might not yet be familiar with Sons of the Sea, I’ll bet my Christmas cookies that you have heard of Incubus. Their style has changed drastically since their early beginnings in 1991, to the dismay of many fans. They went from a chaotic funk metal band to a more mellow alternative rock band that is known for using a wide range of instruments in their songs. I’d categorize myself as a fan of the old Incubus, when their sound was a lot more disorderly. With Sons of the Sea, I was hoping that Boyd would return to his metal roots.

Sons of the Sea is essentially a solo project from the Incubus frontman, with some help from frequent Incubus producer Brendan O’Brien. They broke out the old guitars (literally) and synthesizers for their new record. In a recent interview with MTV, Boyd said that the Beach Boys inspired sound was created with guitars owned by O’Brien that were so old they were literally covered in grime. The dirty guitars, however, do not compromise the clean production sound of Sons of the Sea, which I was very impressed with. The album kicks off with “Jet Black Crow,” a groovy, little happy tune that, according to Boyd, stemmed from a dream he had where he was singing the melody and lyrics. “Untethered” sounds like it came straight from the 80s, complete with a sweet piano riff. The only problem with this song was I felt it dragged on a little too long at the end. I had a vision of Boyd dancing around a disco ball with an afro and bell-bottoms while

By: Scotty Scotty Brilliant Brilliant By:

THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013

ALBUM ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW

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OUTLAW GENTLEMEN AND SHADY LADIES

TIRED

PLOT: Furthering Bilbo Baggins and his company of Dwarves adventures through Middle-earth, the ragtag group discovers that their journey is getting more and more treacherous. On this quest to take back the Lonely Mountain from the dark and powerful dragon Smaug they find themselves fighting a myriad of foes. With a collection of giant spiders, orcs and enemies of old, they find they must rely on a few unlikely allies.

REVIEW: There is no doubt that THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG is spectacular. Early on when Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) and his company of Dwarves are under siege by the descendants of Shelob – the massive spiders are incredible – it is clear that the second chapter is just as relevant to THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY as it is AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY. There is a foreboding sense of urgency and exhilaration with this continuing saga. The action this time around is becoming darker and a little less family friendly as it appeared in the previous chapter. Bilbo himself is changing as the effects of the “one ring” are beginning to rear its dark and manipulative head.

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The second chapter begins near the arrival of Bilbo and company at the entrance to the black forest of Mirkwood after an exciting sequence with a “skin-changer” named Beorn (played by Mikael Persbrandt). Once the massive spiders attack deep inside the dark woods, it was beyond thrilling at the same time helping Bilbo come into his own. Freeman is once again fantastic in the character as is the rest of the cast including the terrific Richard Armitage as Thorin. It is the two unlikely brothers in arms that develop a stronger emotional core as Gandalf (Ian McKellen) has other business to attend to off on his own adventures for most of the film.

Without having to set up the characters as he did the first time around, Jackson is able to present one incredible action set piece after another. From the exciting trek through the dark forest with Shelob’s family attacking to a daring escape from the Wood-elves capture courtesy of a few large barrels, the edge-of-your-seat theatrics are reminiscent of LOTR. Visually it is an improvement over the first film with slight overuse of CG early on, yet this dissipates as the story plays out. Things slow down a bit with the arrival of Luke Evans character as he unwittingly introduces the Dwarves to the people of Lake-town. Even so Evans gives a strong performance here and makes for another inspired addition as he plays an important part in the THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG and beyond.

My only real qualms are that I didn’t get to see the film in HFR 3D which I’ve heard has been improved greatly. I also feel that there are just a couple of moments particularly in the middle section with a few edits and pacing issues that didn’t quite seem to work – I tend to prefer the extended editions as opposed to the theatrical cuts. However, THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG is a near perfect blend of the previous trilogy as well as giving Bilbo Baggins his own fully realized story with another brilliant creation in the form of Smaug.

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By Chris Bumbray

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

Movie Review

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THE VALLEY DECEMBER 2013 THE VALLEY BEATBEAT NOVEMBER 13, 11, 2013

By Elle Spaulding

unique homemade salsa from Aunt Ophila’s and tried several flavors of beef jerky by TexJer’s Jerky company. Some dude whom I don’t know grabbed my friends and I for an impromptu group picture that involved lovingly stroking my friend’s beard. I laughed. I ate. Alcohol flowed.

All in all, it was a pretty good midDecember day. The holidays belong to kids.

The television specials are all children’s movies.

Tickle Me Elmo’s cause fights in big box-stores.

Indoors and out are suddenly Crayola bright.

The entire holiday of Christmas is about a baby.

And somewhere along the line someone told me Santa wasn’t real. There are certainly drawbacks to being an adult, especially this time of year, but some time after getting a job and leaving college, I stopped drinking the stuff in a can because sometimes the benefits are so worth it when you know what you’re doing.

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“Everyone is a bit older than I thought they would be,” noted my 22-year-old companion as she glanced around the room at the 30 and 40 somethings that made up the crowd of the Fegley Craft Beer Festival this past weekend. “Well, craft beer is expensive and $35 for unlimited food and unlimited beer, these people know what they’re doing,” replied my other companion as he also looked around.

For a total of 8 hours on Saturday the Allentown Brew Works turned three of its floors into a beer lovers paradise. Upon arrival, ticketholders were given a special 3oz sample glass and access to more than 46 craft beers. The Brew works dedicated two floors entirely to guest beer vendors while the basement hosted a buffet of pub-favorites as well as a staffed bar offering its own beers on tap. Local favorites making an appearance included Hijinks, Weyerbacher, Round Guys, Shawnee Craft Brewing, Evil Genius Beer Company and others. National craft breweries Breckenridge Brewing Company from Colorado, Flying Fish from New Jersey, and Founder’s Brewing Co from Michigan also had were present with local distributors pouring their beer as well.

For those who are unfamiliar with beer, or only drink the mass-produced canned variety, the festival was a great opportunity to learn and try new things. Brewers and beer writers were on hand to answer questions and explain the method and theory behind their beers. People who had been in the business for decades happily answered the simplest of questions and provided samples. I, for example, although not completely ignorant, learned tremendously about beer, the brewing process, what I liked and what I didn’t. When beers snobs would say things to me before about why one beer was better than another I didn’t really know if I could believe them, but at the festival I could actually

find those beers and taste exactly what people were talking about.

My companions, two seasoned home brewers, also enjoyed the experience. Many varieties of stout, IPA, Belgian beer, triple, seasonal beers, and others were available and included in the price of admission. Even a more exotic beer that my friends were looking for, Sweet Baby Jesus, a particularly difficult beer to brew because of its peanut butter flavors (ingredients with a high fat content tend to be difficult to carbonate) was also readily found and generously poured.

Hell, if you didn’t even like beer, other local vendors and small businesses offered free samples. I tried my hand a game of Puttle, a locally invented game that is a mix between golfing and bowling. The Colony Meadery poured some of the best mead that I have ever had in my life. I entered a drawing for some free Mary Kay beauty products. I sampled some really

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

The Strange Tale of Glen Joseph

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By Elle Spaulding You know that saying, if you can’t tell who the craziest person in the room is, it’s probably you?

I wonder if Glen Joseph ever took a second to ponder that for himself. Admittedly this week’s cast of characters includes: Mr. Joseph of Allentown, a Pennsylvania state trooper, the FBI, the US government, and the governments of both Russia and Pakistan. So answering that question may not be so easy.

It all started sometime at least six years ago. Joseph and the state trooper had been family friends for several decades. The friendship soured however after the Joseph started sending “negative text messages” alleged the trooper in Lehigh County District court last week during Joseph’s criminal trial for terrorist threats.

Joseph for his part does not deny these claims, but makes several of his own stating that for years he had been hearing voices in his head. According to Joseph, the voices told him that the FBI had been spying on him and using microwave technology to brainwash citizens.

The fact that Joseph believed these messages led him to act on them. Joseph began to record the messages in handwritten notes and posts on social media sites like the Bethlehem Police Department’s own Facebook page. Joseph’s obsession with the FBI spiraled around one particular murder trial in the Lehigh Valley as well as events overseas including the embassy attack in Benghazi, Libya. Joseph also felt personally vulnerable to the FBI, when at one point Joseph became convinced that his apartment had been wiretapped by the FBI and that he was being watched. Joseph responded by skulking around his apartment with a gun looking for clandestine agents.

The existence of other erratic behavior is not yet publically known, but it is known that Joseph’s obsession with the FBI is still visible online. While in the whirlpool of his obsessions, Joseph’s deep distrust of the US government led him to contact several international officials, including the governments of Russia and Pakistan, warning them about what he knew about US spying.

Joseph’s behavior continued like this for years until the pivotal event in this saga occurred almost exactly a year ago on November 28th 2012 when Mr. Joseph telephoned the Bethlehem police station. While speaking with the dispatcher, Joseph expressed his intention to leave a message for the aforementioned state trooper. The message, “Tell him I’m going to (expletive) kill him” as well as a detailed message of where he was at the time of the phone call resulted in his arrest not long afterwards and imprisonment ever since.

So that is the story of what happened almost a year ago today. And where are we now? News stories seemingly come out every few weeks if not every few days detailing the extent of government spying with the US and abroad. It’s gotten so bad that even our most staunch allies abroad have been hard-pressed to justify the level of spying that has been occurring. Meanwhile in some insane twist of fate whistleblower Edward Snowden found sanctuary in first China then ultimately Russia where he felt safer than in the United States.

As for Glen Joseph, he was found guilty by a county judge for threatening the state trooper. At the time of this writing, Joseph will be sentenced at a later date.

Despite everything, the strange thing is that Joseph does not think that he is crazy. Instead he claims that everything that has happened, including his own incarceration and trial, has been via his own construction. According to Joseph, he planned his arrest, detainment and imprisonment because he knew that it would spark media attention and hopefully lead to an investigation on what the FBI is really doing. Joseph stated in court, “I know you guys are laughing at me, but this is what you have to do in the year 2013 to get anything done about it.”

Only time will tell if Glen Joseph was right or wrong, but for now we do know that although he’s no Edward Snowden, at least one person somewhere in the world found some value, if only comedic, in what Glen Joseph had to say. After receiving a message from Joseph, officials in Pakistan responded to Glen Joseph by sending him a smiley face.

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT JULY 31, 2013

“Lights in the Parkway” in aLLentown, P.a.

Christmas lights are one of the most recognized forms of holiday decoration in the world.

The custom began in 18th century Germany, when candles were fastened onto the branches of indoor trees at Christmas time. Candles were considered expensive, so only upper-class homes decorated in this manner. The illuminated Christmas tree became established in the United Kingdom during Queen Victoria’s reign and the idea spread throughout North America and Australia.

The invention of the electric light in the late 1800’s brought about new wonders. A fellow inventor of Thomas Edison, and vice president of Edison Electric Light, Mr. Edward Johnson, was the first person in the U.S. to create the first known electrically lit Christmas tree. He had the bulbs especially made and proudly displayed his Christmas tree on December 22, 1882 at his home on Fifth Avenue in New York City. It was hand-wired with nearly 100 red, white and blue incandescent bulbs the size of walnuts.

In 1895, President Grover Cleveland sponsored the first electrically lit Christmas tree in the White House. By 1900, businesses started stringing up colorful lights in their windows.

These lights were still pricey for the average person; so electric Christmas lights did not fully replace candles until the 1930’s.

Nowadays Christmas lights, also known as fairy lights or twinkle lights, are used as decoration across the globe, on trees, department stores and public buildings, from the Eiffel Tower, to London’s Trafalgar Square, to the Sydney Opera House in Australia.

We have an impressive light display right here in the Lehigh Valley. “Lights in the Parkway” is located in a beautiful park named the Lehigh Parkway. Every holiday season, one full mile is transformed into a visual Winter Wonderland. People can drive through the display and see hundreds of illuminated decorations. Some displays seem to move, such a reindeer ‘leaping’ over the road, and Old Man Winter blowing gale winds.

There are several themes with many characters, such as the Wizard of Oz and Cinderella, which bring back childhood loves and warm holiday memories. The spectacular shining display is truly a delight for adults and children!

Horse-drawn carriage rides and photos with Santa are also available. At the end of the tour, families can stop at the Holiday Gift Barn for hot chocolate and refreshments, and to buy fine crafts and unique gifts.

“Lights in the Parkway” has become a symbol of community spirit, as it draws hundreds of local volunteers and thousands of visitors annually. It is truly a special collaboration, as many people work together to make the event possible, including local charities, City of Allentown employees, bus tour and hotel operators, and local business owners who give generously to help sponsor the display.

“Lights in the Parkway” celebrates its 18th season this year! It is located on 1700 Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd, in Allentown, PA. For information visit www. lightsintheparkway.com.

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By Camille Capriglione

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THIS WEEKEND THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8 TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN (610) 391-0772

FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111

BECKY’S DRIVE IN Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE http://www.beckysdi.com/

MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON 610-377-8626 http://mvcinema.com/

CARMIKE 16 1700 CATASAUQUA RD ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/

MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204

CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX 2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635 CIVIC’S THEATER 514 514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN

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1. Despicaple Me 2 2. Fast and Furious 6 3. Battle of the Year 4. Ultimate Life 5. The Hunt

6. Salinger 7. Adore 8. The Angles Share 9. Touchy Feely 10. Zombie Night

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6. Homefront 7. The Book Thief 8. The Best Man Holiday 9. Philomena 10. Dallas Buyers Club

SHANKWEILER’S DRIVE-IN 4540 SHANKWEILER RD (OFF Rt 309) OREFIELD 610-683-8775 http://www.shankweilers.com/

READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 30 N. SECOND ST READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 610-374-2828

THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St 610-863-3094 1. Frozen 2. Hunger Games Catching Fire 3. Out of the Furnace 4. Thor: The Dark World 5. Delivery Man

THE ROXY 2004 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 610-262-7699 http://roxytheaternorthampton.com/

REGAL NORTHAMPTON 14 3720 EASTON-NAZARETH HIGHWAY (ROUTES 33 & 248) LOWER NAZARETH TOWNSHIP 610-559-7800

EMMAUS THEATER 19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878

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REGAL RICHLAND CROSSINGS 12 RICHLAND CROSSING QUAKERTOWN 215-536-7700 http://www.fandango.com

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11,2013

ZODIAC

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19)

LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22)

Your interest in cultural activities powers up early in the week, so see if you can scout out a new gallery or find a concert that sounds appealing -- you’re always looking out for new stuff! The bulk of the week is taken up with hard work -- but it’s stuff you’re confident you can do, and you should be able to take care of it all, no matter how hopeless it seems at first. Spend the weekend with people who agree with you on the big issues -- you don’t have the time or patience for major arguments!

Your brainy energy is the perfect antidote to any bad mood your friends are having early this week -- share your quirky ideas with them and watch their faces light up! It’s also a good time to apply yourself to real-life problems. Your nostalgia takes a slightly darker turn through Friday, and you may want to focus on the present to avoid thinking too much about the past. Life gets a lot sweeter this weekend, as nearly everyone in your social circle seems willing to get along well for the sake of the group as a whole.

TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) Your easy charm works magic on people on Monday and Tuesday -- especially those who are visiting your home, city or country for the first time. Show them how sweet your people can be! A spiritual person shows you what’s what midweek, and while you may be dubious at first, you can sense that they have a real connection with you on a deep level, so keep listening (but don’t do anything crazy). You’re irritated by someone who keeps pushing your buttons this weekend -- most likely a family member or someone younger than you. Try to avoid them when it’s at its worst.

GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) Your closest personal relationships get very interesting this week. You should find yourself focused on one person early on, though you may want to reach out to others in your life if you have the time. From Wednesday through Friday, you may chafe under the authority of someone who used to be an equal, which could leave you thinking twice about your commitment to them. If you have your doubts, expect someone new and exciting to pop into your life this weekend, which should make the transition even likelier if it’s what you really want.

CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) You have a slightly harder time fitting into your social life than usual today, though that doesn’t mean you should just cloister yourself away! Try to just apply yourself as well as you can on Monday and Tuesday, though you can feel a blockage in energy that you know is short-lived. You need to deal with the conflict between your inner live and outer life midweek, and should find an easy out that is lasting.

Your emotional side causes problems this weekend, but only for those among your friends and family who are more aloof or reserved.

LEO (7/23 - 8/22) You begin the week feeling fantastic and ready to explore your surroundings, especially if there’s something new about them. Travel and change are far more exciting than usual for you! You may feel obligated to help someone on Wednesday, and if so, expect it to stretch out far longer than you had anticipated. Still, you do earn far more karma points than usual. The weekend is a good time to let go of something or someone you have been holding onto too tightly -- you are amazed at how easy it is!

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VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) You’re the responsible one as the week begins, keeping yourself focused and on track even as your friends and family seem obsessed with spring fever. Just keep hammering away at your work and you’ll have more time later. Wednesday through Friday open you up creatively, and it’s easier than ever for you to express yourself in new ways. Someone really likes what they see or hear!

Mix things up a little this weekend, if only to show your people that you don’t have to do everything in the same way all the time.

SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) Big ideas are having a greater influence on you than usual on Monday and Tuesday -- even stuff that seems totally unrelated to your recent obsession goes through the filter, with interesting results. Your social energy is almost perfectly harmonious in the middle of the week, and you enjoy most of the time you spend with friends and family to an unprecedented degree. Things do get weird this weekend, thanks to some recent changes and the resulting resistance -- outbursts are the norm for a bit longer.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) You’re full of surprises as the week begins, showing everyone why they love you so much with your jokes, gifts and games. Keep it up and see what happens next! Try to keep your wallet at home from Wednesday through Thursday and use other tricks to keep yourself from spending more than you can afford. Impulse buys are all too likely if you can’t restrain yourself. You make a solid impression on at least one person you meet this weekend, and that could lead from anything from romance to artistic collaboration.

CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) It’s vital that you keep yourself on track on Monday and Tuesday -- there are distractions aplenty, and if you don’t maintain some semblance of discipline, you can expect to have to make up for lost time later on. If you pull it off, you should get recognition right away, and your good energy lasts through the end of the week.

You can accomplish even more than you had hoped!

The weekend might get a bit tricky, though, thanks to unexpected circumstances that interfere with even the best-laid plans.

AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) It’s your job to marshal the forces and get them moving on Monday and Tuesday, even if you don’t feel all that organized yourself! Sweet if you can get your friends or family to pitch in. Discipline is the keyword for the middle part of the week, as you end up spinning your wheels, getting nowhere if you can’t force yourself to stick with the program. Trick yourself into following orders! You need to get yourself focused on something bigger than yourself this weekend, and it’s easy and fun to do so!

CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd 12/13 Breakfast w/Santa

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade 12/13 TimeWhy?s

WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000

READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke 12/20 Jay Lapp 12/31 Social Call Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik

MACUNGIE

The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night 12/20 Tap Takeover Yards The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 12/14 The Peter Johann Band 12/21 Kill the Broadcast

OREFIELD Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 12/12 Dana Gaynor 12/13 Harkland

CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 12/13 The Geezerz 12/14 Roi and The Secret People with Stonebaby Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373 12/13 Tina Margot 12/14 Dan Ward 12/20 Rich Cox

PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 1st Wed of Month - Amateur Night

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 12/13 Doris Garcia Band 12/14 J-Doors 12/15 Pocono Duo 12/17 Chelsea Carlson

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) Don’t worry too much if things seem to be working against you early this week -- you can rely on a little shot of luck just when you need it most! That doesn’t mean you can get away with slacking off, though. Your input is vital to help your coworkers or friends figure out a plan starting Wednesday, and you may have to assume a leadership role temporarily to ensure the right decision is made. Your brain feels like a hamster wheel this weekend, and you might just have to let it wear itself out so you can get some rest.

Check Out Harkland this Friday At The Leather Corner Post in Orefield, PA

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THE LEHIGH VALLEY’S TATTOO PROFESSIONALS FOR OVER 20 YEARS

$200 ALL YOU CAN SIT TATTOOS

Photography courtesy of Rachel Marie Layden

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013 Page 38

single in the CiTY Pick-uP Lines: Dos anD Don’ts

Walking up to a stranger, introducing yourself and beginning a conversation is not exactly the easiest thing to do. In fact, for some it can be Kenny Luck terrifying. The question I’ve often asked myself: how does one navigate the pick-up line jungle, sounding funny and original, leaving the creep and clichés at home?

There are no easy answers.

The art of crafting a truly original line isn’t as easy as it seems . . . nor is it advisable. If you’re a guy trying to meet a girl, the pressure is on to say something memorable, funny or witty. But women don’t always want to be bothered with a pick-up line, no matter how clever.

“Pick-up lines are the worst,” says Dominique Kozuch, 23. “If you have to come up with a formula to try to talk with someone, that’s not genuine. If someone used one on me, I would not be interested.”

This puts men in a paradoxical situation: say something interesting and run the risk of looking like an idiot, or don’t say anything and miss an opportunity.

I have been in this situation more than once.

Often times, rather than using a pick-up line, I like to identify a particular trait—something that makes a person original—and focus on that. Recently, while enjoying a book and some tea at a local coffee shop, I noticed a girl who was, quite honestly, breathtaking. She was a brunette, wearing thick glasses, and she had a smile worth dying for.

I resolved to talk to her.

Although her friends were sitting nearby, she was alone, and I couldn’t decide if or how I should approach her. I knew a pick-up line wasn’t the way to go—I began to fret.

After a few moments passed, I decided, rather than put a performance on in front of her, her friends, and everyone else who was sitting nearby, I would use the only superpower I have: my writing ability . . . more specifically, I would leave a note. Although this sounds lame, there is a certain kind of quiet charm—even romance— about the note. If anything, it was preferable to write a short letter than be laughed and ridiculed out of the coffee shop had I tried the direct approach.

I ripped out a piece of paper from my notebook and scribbled down a few short lines. I folded up the note, gathered my things and began walking toward her.

“Excuse me,” I said.

She lifted her head and looked at me, smiling.

“This is for you,” I said, handing her the note.

Then, her friends and every person at every surrounding table looked up at me. I knew what this meant: I was now on stage, giving a performance, as everyone watched, waiting to see what I would do next.

I turned and headed out the door.

To date, I haven’t heard from my mystery girl, as she could have interrupted my gesture in many ways. The important thing is that I read the situation and made a judgment call. Leaving a note may not have been the best move, but it wasn’t the worst, either. Bottom line: when it comes to pick up lines, avoid the performance. If you’re a guy, women will appreciate it if you make an honest attempt—via note or otherwise—so leave the clichés at home.

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.

What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. l don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours.

I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.

Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity’s back on, but had another 14” of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling.

Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy.

I think the asshole is lying.

December 24 - 6”. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wondeful Life” one mor time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

Page 44

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9” predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

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THE VALLEY BEAT DECEMBER 11, 2013

MODEL BEAT

Age: 19 Brick, NJ

What do you do to make $$? College Student, Print, Promotional.

Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married?

Single.

How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? Facebook, or Contact My Agent: Donatelli Modeling Agency 610-921-0777.

Where was your best vacation destination?

Mexico.

What do you do to relax? Go to Gym or Beach.

What sports do you watch the most? Football.

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Blueberry RedBull.

What happens to be your worst vice? Procrastinating.

What is your best feature? My Eyes & Curves.

What TV show do you never miss each week?

American Horror Story.

What movie would you recommend to our readers? The Hunger Games.

What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Travel The World and Help People.

What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? Furthering my career as a Model/Actress with Donatelli Modeling/Casting Agency :) What do you sleep in? Shorts & T-Shirt.

What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? I lost my phone number, so can I have yours.

What do you want guys to know about sex/relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Don’t take your woman for Granted.

PAGE 47

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