I want her to know what I go through, so please, allow her body to Valentine’s Day fell on a Friday and I decided to take the day off work. switch with mine for just one day. Early that morning I got up, quietly dressed, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowGod, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, ing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the GearHead returns A into passenger in a taxi heading forbreakfast, Tampapacked Airport clothes, fed them their lunches, drove them to school, house, quietly undressed, and slipped back bed. his bike broke do when he leaned over to ask the driver a question came home and vacuumed the entire house; upstairs and downstairs, I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and of town, and then and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his took the cat to the vet, and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, but whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” after ended up having to go inside, went grocery shopping,It’s loaded up 12midnigh My loving wife of 15 years replied, “I hearattention. it, can you believe my stupidWhile on his way The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly bags of groceries and then drove home to put away all the groceries, ass husband is out fishing in that mess?” would a witne hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just paid all the bills and balanced the checkbook. Drove to the Post be Office; having an inches from a large plate-glass window. cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 affair, a A blonde bought herself a new Mercedes as a present to herself on For a few moments everything wasto silent the cab. P.M. and he hurried make thein beds, do the laundry,act. dust, and sweep Valentine’s Day. Forand$100 Then, the shaking driver said, “Are you o.k.? I’m so and mop the kitchen floor and sweep off the front porch use thebucks, t She could drive the car during the day, but at night the car just would Quietly sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me.” leaf blower and blow off the back deck and refill the bird-feeder. arriving h not move. toe the bedro The badly shaken passenger apologized At 3:30 drove to the school to to pickthe up the kids and got into into an argument She tried for a week to drive at night, nothing! GearHead driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on with them on the way home, which was added stress. He never dealt switche Furious, she called the Dealership, told them the problem and they sent back and there is the shoulder would startle so badly.” with thesomeone kids on this emotional level before; it was very strange to him. a Mechanic to the house. just as he The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who should At 4:00 he set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do suspec The Mechanic gave the car a thorough inspection and could not find GearHead puts hi apologize, it’s entirely myhomework, fault. Today is my their then actually got tovery sit down for a minute on the couch anything wrong. The wife shouts, first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for and watch t.v. while folding 3 baskets full of laundry and then running Eventually, he asked the blonde, “Are you sure you’re using the right ‘Don’t doandit! I lied the past 25 years.” around to various rooms putting folded clothes in various dressers gears?” money from hanging up shirts, pants, etc. At 4:30 he began washing vegetables for my A Of course I am! I am using “D” during the day and Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed HE paid for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper and the A “N” at night! monitor of church morals, always onehetocleaned stickthe kitchen, HEranpaid for our n cooked was the supper. After supper, the dishher nose into other people’s business. Most memHE paid for your A friend asked me, “Now that you are retired, do you still have any sort washer, folded even more laundry, bathed the kids, read them all stories bers of the congregation did not approve of her HE paid for our h of job?” and put them to bed. intrusions, but she was feared due to her lethal HEweren’t paidfinfor your I replied, “Yes, I am my wife’s sexual advisor.” At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores everyone maintained their si- to make buddies Somewhat shocked, he said, “I beg your forked pardon, buttongue, what do youso mean ished, he went to bed where he was expected love, whichand he your lence. HE out; paid for the cu by that?” managed to actually stay awake through but then passed comaSheshetook HE paid for our F “Very simple. My wife has told me that when wantsthat my f’ingfatal advice,step tose.too far one day, when she accused “Lightning”, a biker, and new member of knelt by And, HE she’ll ask me for it.” The next morning, he awoke and immediately the bed andeven pay the Church, of being an she saw hisI was so Private schooling. said:alcoholic “Lord, I don’t after know what I was thinking. wrong to envy old Chevy pickup parked in front oftothe small town’s his my wife’s being able stay home all day. Please, oh Shaking Lord please, let us head My hubby got me the cutest tee for Valentine’s Day, only bar all morning and ers his gun. He lo trade late back, Iinto beg ofthe you.” night. She It reads emphatically told Lightning front the replied: entire“My son, I feel cabby and says, The Lord,in in his infiniteof wisdom, you have 80% Sweet Loving Angel congregation that “Everyone seeing that pickup ‘What learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back tothe the hell wo 20% Beth Dutton there would know what The cabby never wayhe theywas were. doing”. Fact was, Gotta’ love him for knowing me. Lightning had volunteered help Gus, the bar hisyou ass You’ll justto have to wait nine months, though. Apparently, got with preg- that owner, repair a leaky ceiling in the kitchen. But Gus cold.’ On Valentine’s Day, a man was sick and tired of going to work every nant last night.” was not member day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see a what he went of the congregation so nothing was brought to light. “Putter” and all h through so he prayed: Lightning, a my man the green while h “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while wife of few words but plenty of action, stared at her for a solid minute, then just got up win the game tha merely stays at home.
Happy Valentine’s All You Sexystraight Bikers!in.
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and left the church. He said nothing. Later that early morning; around 1:00 a.m., LightThunderRoadsTennessee.com ning parked his pickup directly in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night long
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FEBRUARY 2022
