Judith Lucy

FEATURE

“I can’t believe I still haven’t made a sex tape!”

Comic Jill of all trades, Judith Lucy, has put pen to paper once again in her hilarious new book Drink, Smoke, Pass Out. In Sydney for the launch, she spoke to Tim Warrington.

Drink, Smoke, Pass Out is Judith Lucy’s second book after the bestselling The Lucy Family Alphabet.

48 DNA

DNA: When I typed your name into Google, autofill placed you after Judith Durham and Judi Dench. What do you think you’ll have to do to be the first ranking Jude?

Judith Lucy: Good God! I can’t believe I’m 44 and I still haven’t made a sex tape. I think that’s the only way I’m going to get past them. And let’s face it, they’re old, so hopefully they’ll die and that’ll help my ranking.

If you had a pseudonym what would it be?

Tim, I don’t have any imagination.

It was one of my editor’s questions.

[Laughs] Tell your editor to go fuck himself.

Assuming reincarnation is real, what would you like to come back as?

I should narrow it down a little bit, but generally speaking, I would like to come back as a man just to try the different genitals on for size.

Your brand of irreverent humour may seem to some at odds with the spiritual world, but it really works on your TV show and in your books. Do you think this is the problem with religion – it just needs to lighten the hell up?

Yes I do and that’s one of the reasons I wanted to do the television show and the new book. I’ve read a lot and I’ve been to mediation retreats and the like, and so many people seem to have a baseball bat rammed up their arses. Just relax! Life is ridiculous. There’s always room for humour and humour is a good tool for dealing with things that can sometimes be too serious.

If you became a nun (and there’s still time) what would your nun name be?

Sister Victoria Bitter. I think I wanted to become a nun when I was 12 and that lasted for about 36 hours. I don’t think we’re in any immediate danger of me joining a convent.

Chocolate, red wine or sex?

Oh Tim, that’s just really annoying. Well, chocolate’s not even in the running, I’ve never had a sweet tooth. I refuse to choose between sex and red wine because they’re so good together.

Have you read Eat, Pray, Love or did you just hate it on sight like the rest of us?

I read it! And I saw the movie, so I was simply a glutton for punishment. I did read it and think I could not be less like this woman if I was a gas or liquid. I was struck by how completely different our lives are.

I’m not a willowy blonde living in New York City and if I had consumed whatever I felt like eating, I would have become a constipated Zeppelin. And I certainly didn’t have to promise myself that I would be celibate for a year because that’s happened to me on a number of occasions generally when I was trying to have sex.

Who would play you in a movie adaptation of Drink, Smoke, Pass Out? Not Julia Roberts. She annoys me in everything. She annoys me even more in Eat, Pray, Love

because she gets to bang Javier Bardem. To be honest, I’d just like me to be played by Michael Fassbender in a wig so I would have an excuse to turn up on set to meet “me” and advise “me” and hopefully sleep with “me”. I would just like to sleep with Michael Fassbender, period.

Is it true that your hair was involved in a traffic accident?

Well, I wasn’t conscious of it happening but an eye witness report suggests that yes it did actually happen. I had just arrived in London with Greg Fleet. We were horribly jetlagged and went to a bar in Soho and got completely trashed. And yes, according to Fleety I did pass out and a cab did run over my hair.

In The Lucy Family Alphabet, you described your dad as, “a cross between Bob Hawke and an incinerator bin,” what cross-pollinated politician/household appliance are you?

Sophie Mirabella and a mop. She’s the closest politician in terms of hair but I’m not very happy about that. My politics couldn’t be further away from Miss Mirabella’s.

You once said, “Unless you’re a coconut you’ve probably asked what’s it all about.” What prompted you to ask?

Annoyingly, just middle age and disaster. I did ask a friend once, “Why wasn’t I thinking

“I did the only mature thing, which was essentially to drink myself a new arsehole.” about the meaning of life in my twenties?”

And she replied, “We were all too busy drinking, taking drugs and having sex.” And I think that’s probably true, although I was a little light on in the last department, but I really made up for it with the other two. It was fine because I was often so off my head, I thought I was having sex when I was just making a sandwich. But seriously, I had a really horrible time over a period of about 14 months. The TV show I was working on was axed; I discovered my best friend was a raging heroine addict; I was horribly dumped; my father stopped speaking to me and then he died; we put mum in a home and then she died just 10 months later. So, I did the only mature thing, which was essentially to drink myself a new arsehole and I think mission accomplished.

On your TV show when the nuns start praying you say it looks like “one of the nuns just offered you an enema”. That’s exactly what it looked like. Did they?

[Laughs] No, no! When I watched it back to add the narration, I did notice that look on my face. I was extraordinarily uncomfortable being in that room with

them when they were praying for me, but they were such lovely women. I didn’t want to offend them in any way and this was obviously an important part their belief system, but I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I couldn’t make the sign of the cross because I felt that would have been hypocritical. However, I did feel very comfortable when they prayed for a husband for me.

Fess up. How did you keep a straight face surrounded by a room full of Christians speaking in tongues?

Well, just like the nuns, they were such fucking nice people – so welcoming and so lovely. To a certain extent, I was disarmed by their vulnerability. I mean welcoming a comedian into that situation was a big ask and while I was thinking this really isn’t for me, I didn’t want to offend them in any way.

You make a living out of making other people laugh, what tickles you?

Nothing beats sitting around with a bunch of buddies, having a few wines and a laugh. I am blessed to have a lot of very funny friends.

Do you ever watch stand-up comedy?

I would rather shoot myself in the face.

The Lucy Family Alphabet reached the best sellers list. Were you surprised?

[Huge laugh] Oh my God, yes! Absolutely.

When I finished writing it, I thought that was probably a very healthy thing to do for me, but I didn’t think anyone else would want to read this turkey. I am constantly delighted that anyone comes to see me.

[Still laughing] To me it’s an ongoing miracle that I’m still making a living.

You once described your mind as a “shit vortex”. Is this still the case?

It’s a shit vortex that I now have some perspective on.

By the end of the series you’re wearing less make-up and telling fewer jokes, was that deliberate?

I don’t really know if it was a conscious thing… perhaps it was when it came to the make-up, which I felt was at odds with the whole point of the show. By the time I got to Alice Springs and India, I thought, “I’m not wearing any make-up.” And to be honest, it was too bloody hot. As for the jokes, it was always important to me to achieve the right balance of humour and sincerity.

You mention in the book that you’re adopted. If the roles were reversed and kids adopted parents, who would you have adopted?

Susie Porter and Dan Wylie from Puberty Blues. They’re a great couple. They enjoy a drink and they still love sleeping together.

They get their friends over and play strip blackjack. They look like pretty fun parents.

Have you ever passed out on an occasion when you weren’t drinking or smoking?

Yes. When I was about nine I passed out in a doctor’s surgery and shat myself.

You often have adventures among the gays, does Drink, Smoke Pass Out have a gay bit?

There are lots of stories involving my close friends, so yes there are definitely gay bits! H DNA 49