The River Journal, January 2013

Because there’s more to life than bad news

A News MAGAZINE Worth Wading Through

Local News • Environment • Wildlife • Opinion • People • Entertainment • Humor • Politics

January 2013| FREE | www.RiverJournal.com

Natural Balance Massage

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THE RIVER JOURNAL

D & Z Auto Quality and Affordable Auto Repair and Maintenance Chris Gottwald

323 McGhee Road Ste 265-8881

Grunberg Schloss Collector’s Cabinet MORE THAN A COIN DEALER BUYING & SELLING Coins & Paper Money • U.S. & Worldwide Gold • Silver •Food quality storage containers • Coin collecting books & supplies Metal detectors • Prospecting supplies

Newly Remodeled Store—Come check out our expansion!

208-263-6060

210 C TRIANGLE DR. PONDERAY MON-FRI OR CALL FOR APPOINTMENT

Sandpoint Vegetarians Building a community, one vegetable at a time.

Learn more at www.SandpointVeg.org

Wedding Expo

2013 at the Bonner County Fairgrounds

Feb. 23 10-4 Call 208.263.8414 to reserve your space

QUINNS HOT SPRINGS RESORT Paradise, Montana

“Only two things that money can’t buy That’s true love and home grown tomatoes.”

-John Denver

Make your reservations online at www.quinnshotsprings.com or call 406-826-3150

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Stoves Fireplaces Spas & Saunas Specialty BBQs Up to 50% off on our Closeout Specials!

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1225 Michigan St., Sandpoint, Idaho Tues-Fri 9 to 5, Sat. 9 to 3 or 4

DOWNTOWN SANDPOINT EVENTS SANDPOINT EVENTS

January

17 Matt Andersen, POAC concert, Panida Theater, 7 pm 263-6139 19 Schweitzer MLK Celebration 263-9555 18-20 Library Wine Tasting Weekend, Pend d’Oreille Winery, 265-8545 19 Cash for Ash - Cancer Relief Fundraiser for Ashley Halliday, 6 pm, Sandpoint Events Center.

Dinner & auction, $20 20 StoryTelling Company Show at Ivanos, 6 pm. 263-0211 24-26 Banff Mountain Film Festival World Tour Panida Theater, 263-4383 26 Cougar Gulch Cross-Country Race at Schweitzer. 263-9555 26-27 USASA Races at Schweitzer. 263-9555

February

Storytelling Company 6 pm at Ivano’s

Jan. 20

Experience

Downtown Sandpoint!

Visit www.DowntownSandpoint.com for a complete calendar of events

7 International Guitar Night, Panida Theater, 7 pm. 263-6139 8-9, 15-16, 22-23 The Mousetrap at Panida Little Theater. Sandpoint OnStage. 7 pm 208-304-6543 9 Bonner General Hospital Foundation Heart Ball, at Panhandle State Bank. $75.

208-263-1441, ext. 1102.

15-24 Sandpoint Winter Carnival. Learn more at SandpointWinterCarnival.com 22 LeRoy Bell Concert, Panida Theater, 7 pm.

263-9191

PLUS:

• Trivia every Tuesday night at MickDuff’s, 7 to 10 pm.

• Tuesdays with Ray, Trinity at City Beach, 6 to 8 pm.

• Lounge Music with Neighbor John, Thursdays 6-9 at 41 South.

• Winery Music - Live music every Friday night at Pend d’Oreille Winery • Starlight Racing - Every Friday night at Schweitzer • Live music, Coldwater Creek Wine Bar, 7-10 on Fridays.

• Saturday Jam at the La Rosa Club. Live music! 255-2100

A News Magazine Worth Wading Through

13

~just going with the flow~ P.O. Box 151•Clark Fork, ID 83811

9

www.RiverJournal. com•208.255.6957

2. DOWNTOWN CALENDAR Take a look at what’s happening in Sandpoint

STAFF Calm Center of Tranquility

4. WHAT’S OVER & WHAT’S TO COME A reflection on the year passed and the year that lies before us.

Trish Gannon-trish@riverjournal.com

6. HOPE SOLSTICE A small community ushers in longer days with music and celebration.

KATHLEEN HUNTLEY

Ministry of Truth and Propaganda Jody Forest-joe@riverjournal.com

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle Proudly printed at Griffin Publishing in Spokane, Wash.

509.534.3625

6. WHAT’S IN STORE WITH A LA NADA WINTER? When winter forecasting offers no hard details, it’s pessimism to the rescue.

7. LOSING YOUR SMART PHONE The phone’s gone - what do you do about it now? And what should you have done about it before?

8. TIPS ON TRAPS Matt talks about the ins and outs of trapping in Idaho. THE GAME TRAIL

Contents of the River Journal are copyright 2013. Reproduction of any 9. material, including original artwork and advertising, is prohibited. The River Journal is published the first week of each month and is distributed in over 16 communities 10. in Sanders County, Montana, and Bonner, Boundary and Kootenai counties in Idaho.

The River Journal is printed on 40 percent recycled paper with soy-based ink. We appreciate your efforts to recycle.

6 11. WORKING ON WORDS Ernie’s has lived a life of words. Even when they’re in photos . THE HAWK’S NEST 12. NEW SESSION BEGINS George heads to Boise to face the challenges waiting for the 62nd legislature. A SEAT IN THE HOUSE 13. MILEPOST 63 There’s been a lot of miles—and a lot of stories—on the scenic route. THE SCENIC ROUTE 14. THROUGH THE EYES OF A GOLDFISH A responsibility toward pets comes into play even for goldfish.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT 15. WEIRD RUMBLINGS FROM BIGFOOT LAND Joe reports on the intriguing bigfoot rumors that abound. SURREALIST RESEARCH BUREAU 16. OBITUARIES

THE ROUGH LEGGED HAWK If you want to catch sight of this partyear resident, now’s the time. A BIRD IN HAND

17. A SUMMER SWIM When it’s a granddaughter, she doesn’t need to double-dog-dare you.

JINXED

AFRAID The world gives us plenty to fear, but prayer is an answer.

GARY’S FAITH WALK

18. SAVING SECOND BASE Boots reflects on the scourge of breast cancer as only Boots can do.

FROM THE MOUTH OF THE RIVER

14 Cover Photo: It’s a ‘scenic route’ at MP 63 and everywhere else, as well. Photo

by Trish Gannon

2O. REMOTELY CONCERNED A plethora of remote controls leads Scott into becoming an inventor... at least in his mind.

SCOTT CLAWSON Ray Allen is available for private parties, weddings, restaurants, and all corporate events. Ray Allen plays acoustic guitar and sings jazz standards, pop tunes, country, and originals from the 30s through the 70s. Music for all ages. Includes use of my PA system for announcements. Clean cut and well dressed for your event. PA rentals for events.

Call for my low rates and information.

Call 208-610-8244

The Year in Review (and the year to come) January, 2013 and here we sit, despite the (hopes?) that so many placed on the calendar of the Maya, who, they might have noticed, apparently didn’t predict their own end, so why should they predict ours?

It’s traditional around this time of rebirth, as the sun gradually remains in our sky for longer and longer times, to reflect on the year passed, and look ahead to the year to come.

So what was our life like in 2012 and what of last year will we carry forward into the future?

Politics

On the political front, 2012 saw a major offensive from the local Tea Party to ‘take over’ the Republican party. They were spanked rather firmly by voters in the May primary, who rejected this more extreme version of conservatism, but these candidates appealed to a number of area residents and its likely they will continue to be force pushing behind the Republican agenda—which, in Idaho, is pretty much the entire political agenda.

Our local representatives in state politics (Senator Shawn Keough, and Representatives George Eskridge and Eric Anderson) have returned to Boise and to a legislature made up of almost 1/3 new members, where they will once again grapple with balancing services wanted by taxpayers with the revenue stream taxpayers are reluctant to give.

The state’s Economic and Revenue Assessment Committee, of which Senator Keough is the co-chair, heard reports from various agencies on expectations for 2013. Bob Maynard, the chief investment officer for the PERSI state retirement system, says the year to come will feature “subdued and stumbling growth.”

The three biggest issues for this year’s legislature, outside of the budget itself, are, according to Senator Brent Hill (Senate President pro tempore), education reform, health insurance exchanges, and the repeal of the personal property tax.

I don’t expect much to happen beyond talk with that personal property tax repeal, given it would mean a loss of around $140 million to local governments.

In addition, this is a tax that’s paid by businesses (it’s a tax on the value of items they own within their business— computers, chairs, major equipment and the like), which doesn’t generally excite a lot of interest in the average voter.

Now that voters gave a resounding “no” to State Department of Education Superintendent Tom Luna’s plan to reform education, it’s back to the drafting table for the Idaho legislature. Governor Otter has called for the development of a “stakeholder’s group” to look at the issues, and said he does not expect new legislation in 2013.

Where there will be new legislation is in the development of health insurance exchanges for Idaho citizens, a part of the Affordable Care Act health reform.

Conditionally approved by the US Health and Human Services Secretary, Idaho will develop a private ‘marketplace’ where citizens can shop for insurance services.

Legislators will also have to determine whether or not to expand Medicaid eligibility for Idaho’s poorer residents, which Governor Otter’s Medicaid Expansion Work Group unanimously voted in support for.

Currently in Idaho, Medicaid is not available to an adult who makes more than $205 a month, or a family of four whose gross income is more than $382 a month. Yes, you read that correctly—a month.

The expansion would make medicare available to those who earn up to 138 percent of the federal poverty level—that is, around $1,284 per month for a single adult, $2,650 a month for a family of four.

This expansion would make Medicaid available to approximately 100,000 Idaho residents who currently do not qualify.

By the way, thanks to Idaho Public TV you can keep up with what’s going on in Boise real-time, with live streaming TV over the Internet, at www.idahoptv. org/insession.

Economy

The seasonally adjusted unemployment rate for Idaho, around 9 percent last year, was slightly better than for the nation as a whole, and predictions are for that ‘trend’ to continue. Don’t get too excited, though; tenths of percentage points still mean that an awful lot of people are looking for work.

Gas prices were all over the map last year, up one week then down the next, but overall the price is high, and that doesn’t look to change. Forbes Magazine reported in November 2012 that high gas prices are “the new normal” and are “here to stay.” A reflection of the cost of extracting and refining lower quality fuels, itself a reflection of life in a world

where peak oil has likely been reached, those of us who live where driving is a requirement are going to have to give greater consideration to the amount of time we spend behind the wheel. CNN’s Fortune reports that some believe 2013 may bring gas at $5 per gallon.

Expect continued volatility in those prices as well. A report by the United Nations Conference on Trade and Development says fluctuations in gas prices are driven primarily by the commodities market, what they describe as “the hundreds of billions of dollars of bets placed on expectations of temporarily rising prices.”

We have seen where the idea of regulating Wall Street has gone, so don’t be surprised this year if the cost of filling the tank plays havoc with your budgeting skills.

Weather

Last year was also the year when climate change began to become very visible to a large number of Americans, and quite frighteningly, it’s happening harder and faster than scientific models had suggested. Floods, droughts, wildfires, hurricanes, tornadoes... 2012 just about had it all, though we here around the Panhandle of Idaho were protected from extremes. Nonetheless, just about every gardener out there in shouting range was eyeing their ground in March—in March!—speculating about whether it might be safe to plant a few things. And some went further than speculation. No, you’re not going to be planting tomatoes in the spring—at least, not outside—any time soon, but many did well with hardy, cold-loving plants much earlier in the year than is normally possible.

Will that happen again this spring?

It’s hard to tell, given the major driver of our local weather—the ANSO—is in an odd phase they’re calling “La Nada.” As of now, the National Weather Service’s weather prediction for the next few months in our area is “normal.”

It might be normal in our area weather-wise, but the impacts of last year’s extreme weather are ready to slap us in the face, mostly in the form of high food prices. The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Economic Research division says in the first quarter of the year, you can expect to see a 3 to 4 percent increase in the price of milk, eggs, beef, poultry and pork. You don’t have to worry about that $9 a gallon milk, however, as the

January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page

deal to address that dreaded fiscal cliff included a provision to extend subsidies for 9 months to various commodities.

Another factor in higher food prices is the drought-caused problem of navigation on the Mississippi. While the Corps of Engineers is working non-stop to remove rocks and thereby deepen certain channels, the current hope is that the Mississippi will remain navigable only through January 26. When cargo can’t move by barge along the “mighty Mississip,” it adds $11 a ton to the cost of transporting goods. To put that into perspective, it’s estimated that losses from closing the river to traffic average $300 million a day, and the losses grow exponentially after the first few days.

Which means that 2013 might be the best time to finally getting around to planting that garden; and to supporting local businesses, farmers, growers, milk producers and all the rest.

people on the Internet from insisting that it is. Expect its arrival on February 15.

• 2013 is also a period of solar maximum, which is a time of increased solar activity and which can include solar storms which create an “EMP burst” that can wipe out all electronics in their path.

We see solar maximums approximately every 11 years, so it’s not like this is something new, but expect predictions of TEOTWAWKI via solar storms to show up in your 2013 “news feed.”

You know why we invest so much time in apocalyptic predictions? Because we can’t do anything about it. And we like that.

God forbid we actually do anything about the real threats that are facing us.

My 2013 prediction is that things will slowly and steadily continue to grind downward and we will do nothing to stop that trajectory. Fukushima reactor 4 will continue its meltdown, we will

increasingly, frantically, search for ways to feed our energy habit while we guzzle down and belch out what should be our reserves, our economy will continue to be based on a growth that’s simply not possible, we will continue to de-fund programs that literally mean life or death to millions of Earth’s inhabitants, mass shootings will continue, and we will spend 2013 putting out fires that could have been prevented.

That’s in the aggregate, of course; locally, I see a slightly brighter future. I see it in the faces and the work of those who continue to put heart and soul into improving this place where we live, from community gardens to baseball fields to the preservation of the wild places around us. 2013 can be a good year here in our little piece of paradise—if we want it to be.

-Trish Gannon

End of the World

Finally, while 2012 did not bring about the end of the world, don’t think that means your 2013 is going to be free of apocalyptic fervor. After all, it’s twentythirteen! Here’s my candidates for events that will make the headlines (or the rounds of Facebook statuses) that many will insist herald TEOTWAWKI (the end of the world as we know it): • 2013 will be the year of the comet, with a March pass by the comet PanSTARRS, and then the awe-inspring, October-December journey of the comet Ison through our skies. It’s possible that Pan-STARRS will be bright enough to be seen by the naked eye, and Ison is predicted to be similar to a comet seen in 1680 whose tail was so bright, the comet could be easily seen even in the daytime skies. That’s bound to freak a few people out.

• Don’t want to wait that long to be afraid? It’s Asteroid da-14 to the rescue!

While NASA has stated firmly this near-Earth asteroid is not on an impact trajectory, that isn’t stopping a lot of

Cash for Ash

Fundraiser for Ashley Halliday

Dinner & Auction at the Sandpoint Event Center Jan. 19 at 6 pm. $20

Sandpoint’s Panida Theater January 24, 25 & 26 7 pm (doors open 6 pm) 208.263.9191

January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page

Solstice Celebration of Hope

Around the time that the JudeoChristian world turns its attention to its spiritual winter celebrations, the ancient cultures before them turned their attention to the Winter Solstice, the shortest light day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. Not to let any tradition or custom fade away in a few thousand years, a contemporary group of Northwest inhabitants still celebrate the lengthening of days and the launching of winter activities.

In what is proving to be an annual event, the residents of Hope, Idaho, along with a few strays from surrounding communities, gather at the Outskirts Market Place for the Winter Solstice like moths attracted to a flame. Into the darkness of the late Idaho evening they come, bringing their own light, and placing hundreds of candles around the front of the building and last year cascading into the snowy street. This year, however, it was raining in Hope so the candles were consolidated under the porch covering, all cozily glowing together and throwing their light everywhere into the darkened space.

Spirits were not dampened by the weather and there was a glow of faces inside the Market where the participants were additionally bonded by the fact they were all survivors of the apocalyptic predictions of the Mayan Calendar. There is no lack of humor in Hope Hope has long been the well-kept, secret bastion of an Art Colony and the Outskirts Market Place, or as some refer

Story and photos by Kathleen Huntley

to it as it once was, The Old Hope Market, currently has on display the work of thirty or more artists representing a variety of genres. The artwork from the Annual Plein Air event to support Scotchman Peak is also represented on the Market’s walls.

However, this night artists of a different kind gathered. The musicians of Hope, many of whom are more than professional, came to the Market Place, instruments tucked under the arms and carried in by helping patrons. Bob Beadling, dressed in a bowler hat and velvet jacket, began the evening with an eclectic collection of well-executed piano pieces. His fingers literally danced across the keyboard, filling the room with warm traditional songs.

After Bob’s set, the Cougar Creek Band entertained with rousing, foot stomping folk music, a little rag time and some heart felt blues. The Cougar Creek Band began about four years ago when some folks got together at social events and started singing around Connie’s piano. Today, the members fluctuate depending on the season but include spouses and friends.

The Heisel family was fully represented by Mother Linda on the accordion, son Joe playing trombone and father Mark Heisel playing everything from a washboard with finger picks to a trumpet. It was

impossible to attend this function without grinning from ear to ear even though a small infusion of wine helped, along with hot chili and cornbread. The camaraderie warmed the heart and soul.

Out in the cars surrounding the Marketplace was also a collection of drums and guitars just waiting for an invitation to come in. Not everyone had time to join in. This was one of those rare occasions when it all ended too soon.

Perhaps next year is the Idaho-Montana mantra.

Kally Thurman is the owner and organizer of events at the Outskirts Hope Market place. Skillfully she has put together a community gathering spot complete with a book section, WiFi and art lessons. A lovely new couple, Megan Cordero and her sidekick Tim, have taken over the cooking and are serving breakfasts, lunch and dinners. The menu and hours have thankfully been extended, as most the other establishments in Hope are either seasonal or succumbed tragically to the current economic downturn. In addition to the meals, the Market has also taken to selling some organic vegetables and other items. Off to the side of the restaurant is a Free Trade Gift Shop ran by Vera Gadman. The Hope Market Place, café and art gallery should be on everyone’s “don’t miss” list.

What a way to end one year and begin another. Dusk to Dawn with candles and song surrounded by a creative diversity of friends and family. The lengthening of light in the days ahead and the warmth of the Hope community all gathered together in harmony. Hope is not only the name of the town, it is what resides in the residences hearts.

January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page

When You Lose Your Smart Phone

Right before the end of the year, my daughter lost her cell phone. When she told me, there was a part of me that heard the words in disbelief; despite having owned a cell phone myself for going on 15 years, there still seems to be something odd about “losing” a telephone.

And a pricey one at that. Apple’s iPhone 4s (the model she lost) cost several hundred dollars new, and even replacing it with a used one from eBay runs from $100 to $300. (Tip: buy direct from Apple online and they’re only $99 for 16GB).

Losing a phone can be as complicated as losing a wallet, and sometimes even more so. Today, people use their phones not just for calls, but to pay bills, stay in contact with friends, take photos, do banking... the list is endless. And all of those activities, depending on your security settings, may be freely available to whoever happens to pick up the phone you lost.

So what to do if you lose your cell phone?

If you haven’t found your phone within 24 hours (or if you’re certain it’s not just buried somewhere in your couch or your car seat) call your service provider. Yeah, tough to do without a phone, but borrow one from somewhere and do it. The provider can place your phone on the lost/stolen list, which then prevents anyone else from taking your phone into the store and activating it on their own account.

At this point, you can also choose to have service on the phone suspended, which prevents it from being used to make calls or access any of your private information that’s stored in “the cloud.”

Don’t forget to cancel/change all your passwords and logins, especially if you don’t keep your cell phone in a ‘locked’ status.

Second step: check in with your local police or sheriff’s department. If someone finds your phone and turns it in to a cell phone store, that store will report it and the provider will track you down. Law enforcement is not always as quick to do the same, and your phone may well be languishing in their “found” department, waiting on your call.

If you happen to have the iPhone model 3gS or higher, use Apple’s find my iPhone app right away. To use this feature, you’re going to have to have access to another Apple product (iPad, iPod, computer or a friend’s iPhone).

Download the free app, and you can locate your phone using its built-in GPS,

lock the phone, lock your data, remotely wipe your data, play a loud sound for two minutes even if the phone is set at silent, put a “call this number” right on the locked screen of the phone, and, if the phone is running iOS6 or later, keep track of location data and allow you to access that information on the web.

All carriers have services you can use after a phone is lost to track via GPS, though all have a monthly fee. If your phone is expensive, however, the cost is likely worthwhile.

For an Android phone, download the Plan B app from the Google Play store.

Once it has remotely installed on your phone, it will send its GPS location to your Gmail address for the next ten minutes.

Then text “locate” from a friend’s phone to your missing phone to continue the process.

Please note, that if you find your phone using the GPS and the phone is not in a public place, please call your local law enforcement for help in retrieving the phone.

The drawback to these apps?—the phone must actually have battery power and a cell connection to work. Which means you need to use them quickly.

If it happens that your phone was stolen, then a savvy thief will likely pull the SIM card first thing, in which case none of these apps will work.

There are dozens of applications for cell phones you can install prior to a

phone going missing that can help you in the future. Once your phone is returned to you (or once you’ve bought a new one), spend a little time searching for the one that’s right for you.

One that I like is FoneHome. But like after-the-fact apps, these only work if the phone has battery life, a cellular connection, and if a thief has not pulled the SIM card.

By the way, if your phone goes missing, and you check online and see that someone has been using it—it is not okay to call those numbers and pretend to be a county sheriff. No, I didn’t do that, I just know it’s illegal to impersonate a police officer.

If your phone is lost, you might take comfort in the fact you are not alone.

Asurion, the largest insurer for cell phones, reports that 60 million smart phones are lost, stolen or damaged every year, at a cost of $30 billion!

You might also try remembering that it’s only a phone; no matter what it feels like, you didn’t actually lose your life.

-Trish Gannon PS - as of this writing, Amy’s phone is still lost. If you happened to be in the Coeur d’Alene area around the evening of December 28, and came across a white iPhone 4s in a rather lovely case featuring a dream catcher on a fetching turquoise and grey background... please give us a call or email. Our contact info is at the front of the magazine.

THE BEST PART OF REACHING THE TOP IS THE VIEW. WE CAN HELP YOU GET THERE.

• Personal • Corporate • Partnerships • Trusts 1211 Michigan, Sandpoint

208.265.2500 • 800.338.9835

January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page

The Game Trail Matt Haag

The shortest day—well, as least the day with the least amount of daytime—has come and gone. As I get older, the lack of daylight really gets to me and come mid- January I start to feel like Jack Torrance, the character played by Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” My wife starts to worry when I wander around the house yelling, “Heeeeere’s Johnny!”

I keep my sanity in the winter months by getting some exercise, taking vitamin D, and venturing on a little vacation to somewhere sunny.

One of my favorite winter activities is snowshoeing, although I have to admit I hit the gym every week. Although after last week’s incident at the gym they may not let me back. I accidently spilled some water from my water bottle down the front of my shorts. I thought it would be a little embarrassing to work out looking like I peed my pants. So I brilliantly decided to use the hair dryer in the locker room to dry the offending water.

Well, I found it’s more embarrassing to have someone catch you blow-drying your crotch in the locker room. Oh well, I think I’ll stick to snowshoeing for a while.

When I snowshoe, I typically check trapper’s lines and it gives me quite the work out! That was my long segue into the sport of trapping in Idaho.

Most people don’t really know much about trapping and have images and ideas from other sources, including the Internet. There are a lot of misconceptions and myths surrounding trapping that come from a society that’s increasingly becoming more urbanized and disconnected from the natural world.

Clark Fork Baptist Church

Main & Second • Clark Fork

Sunday School............9:45 am Morning Worship............11 am Evening Service...............6 pm Wednesday Service.........7 pm Call 266-0405 for transportation

Bible Preaching and Traditional Music

Some Tips on Traps

A large misconception is that trapping poses a threat to animal populations, especially endangered animals. This may have been true 200 years ago when we did not have the North American Wildlife Model in place; the lack of regulations in our natural resource use at that time led to decimation of many animals. But times have changed and trapping is a highly regulated use of a renewable resource.

Our main furbearers in Idaho include marten, fisher, mink, otter, beaver, muskrat, bobcat, lynx, red fox, raccoon, and badger. Because their numbers are low and the animals are considered rare, we do not have season for fisher and lynx. Additionally, lynx are listed as a threatened species. These furbearer populations are monitored through trapping with management goals to keep abundant populations available for public interest and trapping uses. Fish & Game Managers use trap data along with trend counts by using snow-track surveys to determine presence and densities of these critters in our wilds.

During trapping season I receive quite a few calls from concerned folks regarding traps and their children and pets. Here are few tips to protect against an accidental capture.

First, have a good understanding of the trapping seasons. In our neck of the woods the majority of trapping occurs from November through March, depending on the style of trapping. Be sure to know who owns the property; if it’s private, ask the owner if they allowing trapping or know if anyone is trapping on the property. Public land managed by the State of Idaho, Forest Service, and BLM, is all open to legal trapping so just assume that there could be traps around if you are recreating on the land. Control your dogs: state law does not allow dogs to be at large running through the country side. It only takes common sense to realize that dogs running at large, even if you are accompanying them, can have detrimental effects on wildlife during winter, especially elk and deer.

If you do come across traps with your children or pets, simply trace your tracks back out and leave the area if you are concerned. Some of the types of traps that you will come across will be foot hold traps, bodying gripping traps (conibears), and snares.

Do some research on those type of

traps and learn how to manipulate the traps to release your pets. Foot hold traps do just as their name says, the two arms snap up to hold the animal by their foot pad. There a lot of myths that these traps snap the leg and/or the animals chew their leg off to get out. If you were a trapper and wanted the fur to sell, do you think you would want the fur or structure of the animal damaged in any way? Nope. Some of these new style traps actually have rubber lined arms in the trap to reduce the possibility of damage.

Trapping has come a long way since the days of David Thompson.

So if your dog does get trapped in one of the foot hold variety traps (the most common you’ll see out there) follow these simple steps. Secure your dog by pinning it to the ground or holding it in an upright position. Depending on the individual, the size of the trap, and the size of the dog, you may be able to grab both levers with your fingers and, using the palms of your hands, stabilize the bottom of the trap or base plate. Once this is accomplished, pull the levers of the trap toward you with your fingers using one continuous motion. This will release the pressure on the jaws of the trap enough for the dog to pull its foot free or to allow the foot to fall out from between the jaws of the trap. The trap jaws do not have to be completely opened for the dog to free its foot. The duration of time the dog was held in the trap may determine the extent of its injuries. Foot or leg hold traps are designed to hold an animal alive with a minimal amount of damage to the foot. If you are with your dog when it is caught and are able to release it immediately, you should expect minimal injury to the dog’s foot.

Please report any traps you come across, and let us determine if they are illegal or not. It’s illegal to disturb traps in Idaho so don’t get yourself in trouble!

Enjoy the winter, take some vitamin D with your doctor’s recommendation of course, go on vacation to somewhere sunny, and get some exercise. When you’re out in the woods getting your exercise, keep your dog on a leash, be on the look out for traps, and have a plan for those traps. Please respect the traps and the trapper’s rights even if you don’t agree!

Leave No Child Inside­­­‑or in Traps.

Page | The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| January 2013

A Bird in Hand Michael Turnlund

For a bird enthusiast, there are primarily three types of bird species to observe: yearround residents, seasonal residents, and migrants.

The first type is obvious: species that spend their entire lives in the same place, more or less. Resident species might move about a bit in search of food, like crossbills, and they might seasonally migrate in altitude—up the mountain in the summer, down the mountain in the winter, like the Townsend Solitaire—but, by-and-large, residents remain in the same area in which they were born.

The second type is our typical summer resident, such as the American Robin.

They call this place home, if only for the breeding season, and fly elsewhere for the winter.

The third group is composed of the migrants, those species that regularly visit our area as they pass through on their way to somewhere else. For example, Tundra Swans visit our area as they head north to the Arctic for the summer and then again in the fall as they head back toward their wintering grounds. Migrants do not normally hang out here otherwise.

Now there are exceptions to the above, but our featured bird this month is one of the second types of species. Except in this case, this bird practices a reversemigration pattern. Instead of visiting our area as a summer migrant, this bird does so as a winter migrant. That’s right: our region is this bird’s wintering area.

Welcome to the wonderful world of the Rough-legged Hawk.

The Rough-legged Hawk is a big bird, similar in size to its cousin, the Red-tailed Hawk. And as its name implies—well,

Rough-Legged Hawk: Our off-season migrant I guess it implies, it is rather a strange name—its legs are covered in feathers, much like the Golden Eagle. It is one of only three raptors in North America that has this feat (pun! Though it did require some loose grammar there), as most birds-of-prey lack leg feathers. This is probably an adaptation to their Arctic and high-latitude living.

Rough-legged Hawks might be difficult to identify in the field because they are not overly distinctive in coloration. They look like a typical, not-sure-what-specieit-is hawk. And to add to the confusion there are two color-types, or morphs: a dark morph and a light morph. Even more, there are also intermediaries that range between the light and dark poles.

And while the legs are feather covered, this might not be obvious when observed, even with binoculars. So how is a birder going to definitively identify a Roughlegged Hawk in the field? Easy: look at the bird’s wrists.

Wrists? Birds have wrists? Of course they do! Hey, even whales have wrists! But you need to understand this anatomical term within an avian context.

In other words, a bird’s wrist is not exactly analogous to a mammal’s wrist, or yours, assuming you’re a mammal.

A bird’s wrist is best observed when the critter is in flight. The wrist is the prominent bump on the leading edge of the extended wing. If you imagine the long, outward extending feathers at the end of a hawk’s wing as fingers, those “fingers” extend from the wrist. And this is important to know when identifying the Rough-legged Hawk. These birds have a noticeable large black “spot” (perhaps “smudge” might be a better term) on the wrist on the underside of the wing. And

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this field mark is true regardless of what color morph your subject bird is. Blackcolored wrist spot = Rough-legged Hawk.

Rough-legged Hawks also have relatively small talons. This is probably a reflection of their preferred prey: little rodents. In the Arctic tundra the target rodents are lemmings; in our area it is voles. Though these birds are apt to take whatever comes their way, assuming they think they can manage it. So if you want to mark the Rough-legged Hawk on your life list, head for open areas. You might key in on any large raptors that appear to be hovering, as this hawk can hover for bit like an osprey. It is the only large hawk that typically does this.

Because this bird breeds in the Arctic on the tundra, it is a ground nester. Its range is also circumpolar, meaning its breeding range extends completely around the arctic: across North America, Asia, and Europe.

Subsequently its wintering range extends along similar latitudes around the world.

It is a relatively common bird, though only seasonally so. But its population numbers do wax and wane in sync with lemming populations, a pattern that is similar other prey/predator species relationships, such as lynx and hares.

Okay, so a lot of people will not bother to know anything more about the Roughlegged Hawk than “hey, there’s a big hawk over there.” What a pity. To me that’s the equivalent of saying, “Gosh, there a big ungulate over there.” Whatever. If only these birds could tell their stories. Keep that in mind when you’re out stalking our seasonal winter friend. Happy birding!

Mike Turnlund can be reached at mturnlund@gmail.com

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January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page

Lordy, Lordy, look who’s... well, older!

Happy Birthday Erin Broughton Hughes! May the best years be yet to come!

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Gary’s Faith Walk Gary Payton

From Genesis at the beginning of the Old Testament, to Revelation at the end of the New Testament, God, Jesus, or an angel is regularly calming a listening human with the words, “Do not be afraid.” Dozens of times, this four word imperative comes before some charge or announcement where the “normal” reaction would otherwise be to be scared to death!

Well, here in January 2013… the start of a new year, I am very afraid. And, let be clarify, my fear goes far beyond a lower level worry. Let me list just a couple of fears to clarity: • That the months-long political paralysis over the “fiscal cliff” implies Congress has lost its ability to govern, defaulting to scoring points, or blocking constructive ideas simply because they came from the other side of the aisle.

Governing in a time of great national need seems to me to be the first priority of the elected, particularly when the nation is faced by so many problems: gun violence, immigration, unemployment, etc.

• That the community of nations is currently simply unwilling/incapable of making the kind of energy consumption changes (read reduced carbon emissions) to have a significant effect on global warming. We “haves” want to keep most of what we’ve got; the “have nots” want more of what the “haves” have enjoyed; and, all this puts more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere—year after unending year.

Mindful of the above, I ask myself, “So, what are you going to do about it?”

My head will continue to move me in specific directions. As has been my habit, I’ll continue to voice my opinion

Afraid

(support for or opposition to) major pieces of Congressional legislation through telephone calls to the Hill. A youthful assistant always crisply answers the phone in the offices of Senator Crapo, Senator Risch, or Representative Labrador. I know my call likely becomes nothing more than a “tick mark,” pro or con on an aide’s tally sheet, but I believe our representatives must hear from average citizens, not just highly paid lobbyists, on major pieces of legislation.

Likewise, I will continue my engagement with regional conservation groups like the Idaho Conservation League or the Montana Wilderness Association, which serve all of us well by encouraging statewide efforts to mitigate global warming through energy efficiency, reduced carbon emissions, and more.

My heart will continue to move me in directions of the Spirit. I remain inspired by the simple expression, “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” With prayer, meditation, scripture and wisdom literature reading, I’ll seek to overcome my “afraid” and transform that emotion into the daily courage for addressing life’s challenges, big and small. Some challenges are sharply defined as the New Year begins. Others—personal, national, or global—will present themselves as crises slowly simmering or fast erupting. No matter the type, my rational self knows they will come.

To date, no angel has confronted me directly with “Do not be afraid.” But as my faith walk continues, I remain open to that possibility. Across the millennia, others have heard those calming words and the messages which follow; maybe you or I will hear them as well in 2013.

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Page 10 | The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| January 2013

The Hawk’s Nest Ernie Hawks

Words have always been important to me. I enjoy the sounds and rhythms; it’s a simple pleasure.

I first learned the fun of words when I started working as an actor still in high school. While on the stage I would try to shape and color the words to strengthen or diminish their meanings.

The enunciation of each word mattered, sometimes by holding a syllable or dropping all or part of one to drive an idea across the footlights. It is fun and we all do it in normal conversation too, sometimes intentionally and at other times simply for affect.

Words are the most common and basic tool an actor has and it takes thousands of words to make a play. That can also be the difficult part. All those words need to be memorized before they can be used to tell the story. It required cloistering myself in a tiny upstairs bedroom reading, rereading, and again— until those words were imprinted on my mind, it was always tedious time.

It was while I was memorizing one day I wondered if it would be easier if I wrote the words rather then performed them.

That way I would not have to spend all this time memorizing. It sounded so easy.

So I decided to take those same words and turn them into my work, my stories, maybe a novel.

I found the words were easy to put on the page but there did seem to be a bit of a rub. Getting those words in the right order became a challenge.

It can be hard work; not like brick laying, but challenging just the same.

The real truth is, it is fun to watch a piece develop even when those darn words don’t fall into place as quickly as I think they should.

Working on Words There are times when I want to create pictures with them. It is not unusual though, for those pictures to look more like a bad exposure or maybe splotches of paint on a painter’s palette.

Being a bit of an adventurer at heart—and writing is an adventure—I still sometimes look out my window and want to be “out there” rather than in front of a computer.

That is when I think about my time with a camera. With a camera I don’t have to worry about the words at all. In fact, a picture is worth a thousand words, right?

Consequently, when I am getting overwhelmed trying to position the words on the page appealingly, I often grab a camera and head out in search of a few thousand words via digital images.

My father tried his best to make an accomplished hunter out of me. His efforts are not lost when, with camera in hand, I hunt for the perfect picture. Many of the skills he taught can be used. In addition to the good and safe shot, there is the challenge of making sure the light is right and the framing is an attractive representation of what I see and want to reproduce.

While it can be challenging, one is not inhibited by the inconveniences of hunting laws and regulations. There are no seasons; I try to shoot babies in the spring from my car even across roads. I shoot near residential areas all without concern of hurting anyone or breaking any laws or buying a license. There are other advantages; I don’t have to slog through knee-deep snow with wind and ice raking my face packing a heavy, dead animal on my back. I may grouse about the weight of the camera equipment I am carrying, though.

Just in case you are wondering, yes, I do eat meat and I do my hunting at the market. But I do love to hunt for my pictures in the wild even when the weather is very dramatic.

Nevertheless when I come home with thousands of words in the form of burned bytes on a memory card, it takes a great deal of effort to turn them into the abundance that will help pay for my camera, or for that matter, a computer.

While I’m out in the solitude and loving the experience, I find myself organizing words to convey the story of the scene I’m in. That is when I discovered writing is not easier than memorizing and in fact it is not easier then taking pictures. Using the words from my imagination to give others the opportunity to imagine their own creation, that is my passion. It is not about easy.

So I am back at my desk looking outside watching the snow load the trees, the big flakes reminding me of a glass globe with ice skaters on a mirror, while I string together words, hoping to make an attractive chain strong enough to hold someone’s attention for a while.

The energy of my passion transforms the steep and rugged way into a rewarding passage.

When the words don’t have focus like those splotches of paint, I will call Linda, my wife, to read the words. She will look at them, ask some questions, suggest rearranging and gently nudge me to use my words to bring it into focus, turning the splotches into a rainbow.

Aw, another picture.

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A Seat in the House

Rep. George Eskridge

The first session of the 62nd Idaho Legislature will convene January 7, 2013 and will begin with Idaho Governor Otter presenting his “State of the State Address” and his proposed budget to the members of the Idaho legislature in a joint session of the Senate and House. The Governor’s remarks will be televised over Idaho Public Television.

There is no set time for the session to end, but the normal expectation is that the legislature will attempt to adjourn by the end of March. Because the development of a balanced budget is a statutory requirement of the legislature, the length of the session is primarily dependent upon the length of the budget process. Depending on the state’s economic situation and the complexity at arriving at a balanced budget, the session can (and has) extend into a longer period.

The longest session I have been involved in didn’t end until May because of the difficulty in reducing state spending to meet reduced revenues.

The Joint Finance and Appropriation Committee, of which Senator Keough and I of our legislative district serve as members, will begin the budget setting process beginning the day after the Governor’s budget recommendation to the legislature on the 7th.

We begin our work on January 8 with a review of the Governor’s recommendation followed by a review of Fiscal year 2013 and Fiscal year 2014 budget scenarios.

The state agencies then begin their presentations on their budget requests on January 9. The agency hearings are scheduled to end on February 13 followed by Germane Committee Reports (Education, Health and Welfare, et.al.) on February 14 and 15.

Based on information received from the agencies, revenue forecasts and other information JFAC will then start

New Session to Bring Challenges preparing appropriation (spending) recommendations for the legislature to consider and forward to the Governor.

If either the Senate, House or Governor does not support any particular agency recommendation, JFAC would have to revise that agency’s budget and resubmit it to the legislature and the Governor.

The target date for JFAC to finish its work is Friday, March 8.

In addition to agency hearings and the committee reports, JFAC will also hold two public hearings to provide the public an opportunity to input into specific agency budgets. The first of these hearings is scheduled for February 1 for the Education, Natural Resources and General Government agencies. The second is scheduled for February 8 for the Health and Human Services, Public Safety and Economic Development agencies.

During this budget process, other legislative activity will involve addressing issues that may result in new legislation or changes in existing legislation. Some of the more notable issues that could possibly result in new legislation are public education reform, Medicaid expansion, and the requirement for a state health insurance exchange system. Medicaid expansion and a health insurance exchange program are provisions in the federal Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Obamacare).

The three propositions relative to education reform were soundly defeated in the November election, but education reform remains a significant legislative issue. Governor Otter has asked the State Board of Education to hold a statewide discussion with all interested parties on public school improvement that could lead to legislation by the 2014 legislative session. However, given the interest in this issue, there could be some education reform legislation introduced in the upcoming session as well.

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Under “Obamacare,” Idaho has an option to expand Medicaid benefits that could result in as much as a 39 percent increase in enrollment. A working group established by the Governor to provide input on expansion “determined that Idaho should expand its Medicaid program to best serve low-income individuals and save money.” Even though the federal government will cover the increased costs of the expansion for the first few years, there remains a concern over the final cost to Idaho when the federal government lowers its subsidy for the program. The legislature and the Governor will be addressing Medicaid expansion this session.

Again under “Obamacare,” Idaho is required to participate in a Health Insurance Exchange program implemented by the federal government, or to develop a Health Insurance Exchange program of its own. Governor Otter has recommended that Idaho develop its own health insurance exchange subject to Legislative approval.

This is a highly controversial issue with some legislators not wanting Idaho to participate in a health insurance program in any form, others wanting to let the federal government implement the program and others supporting a state run program.

I will keep Journal readers informed on the progress of legislation addressing these issues as well as other issues as the session progresses.

Please feel free to contact me with your thoughts on these issues or other issues; I can be reached during the session by phone at 1-800-626-0471, by e-mail at geskridge@house.idaho.gov, or by mail at P.O. Box 83720, Boise, Idaho 83720-0038.

Thanks for reading!

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Page 12 | The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| January 2013

The Scenic Route Sandy Compton

Milepost 63 is the eastern alpha and omega of Idaho State Highway 200; one beginning and one end of an undulating, two-lane asphalt ribbon stretching from Montana to an intersection with US Highways 2 and 95 at MP 30, plus or minus, just east of Sandpoint. Once upon a time, 200 continued to Newport, and there became Washington 20. The highway numbering department deducted 30 miles from the west end of 200 sometime in the past, and that became just US 2. They did not, however, replace the mile markers.

MP 63 is the first or last milepost passed when entering or leaving Idaho from or to Montana, which I do often. I have a fair estimate that I’ve passed that spot nearly 15,000 times—in the driver’s seat. That’s a lot of trips on the scenic route.

MP 63, a tenth of a mile into Idaho, is on the south side of the highway, as most mile markers are on Idaho 200.

(The exception is MP 39, on the north to accommodate the big pullout at Pack River). Once Idaho 200 becomes Montana 200, the markers continue on the south shoulder, beginning with 1 and counting the way east for 700 plus miles.

I don’t know what the last milepost before North Dakota might be. It lies between Sidney and Williston, in the midst of the latest petroleum feeding frenzy. MP 63 is just west of the border on the quiet side of Montana. I live much closer to Idaho than North Dakota. Thank you, God. On dark—and often stormy—nights, I quietly celebrate passing MP 63, for soon I will be safely home. I have not as often taken note driving west, as I’m thinking about the coming day and making sure I have remembered everything I will need for it. When I fail that, I may pass MP 63 more than once on my way to Sandpoint.

Commuting the scenic route began as a family tradition before the highway

Milepost 63 - 15 years on the Scenic Route was a twinkle in an engineer’s eye. My grandparents had a home in Montana and another in Sandpoint. They rode the Northern Pacific between them along a closely parallel route nearly as nonchalantly as I drive it today, though not as frequently. On more than one occasion, though, team and wagon was their choice of transport. That took a bit longer, as you might imagine, and as I have tried to as an exercise in family history.

In the 1930s, a new highway was built, and I don’t mean “reconstructed.” US 10-A (Alternate 10) followed a rugged course up the Clark Fork, Flathead and Jocko rivers and over Evaro Pass. It strung together Sandpoint, Ponderay, Kootenai, Hope, Clark Fork, Heron, Noxon, Tuscor, Trout Creek, Whitepine, Belknap, Thompson Falls, Eddy, Plains, Paradise, Perma, Dixon, Ravalli, Arlee, Evaro and Missoula. In the 1960s, Interstate 90 supplanted US 10 entirely excepting vestigial stretches in Minnesota and Michigan. With no US 10 to be alternate to, the 10-A monicker was decommissioned. East of Missoula, US 10 became MT 200 all the way to North Dakota, where it continues as ND 200.

West of Missoula, 10-A became MT 200 all the way to Idaho and then Idaho 200.

During the transition between 10-A and 200, my folks transported kids across the border to dental appointments, matinees at the Panida, nights at the Autoview and “play dates” with Sandpoint kids. My first trip across the border in the driver’s seat was on Highway 200. Thirty years of commuting later, I began writing a column for Dennis Nicholls and The River Journal. I had no trouble picking a name for it.

Since I began The Scenic Route, I’ve passed MP 63 going one way or the other approximately 6,000 times. And written over 200 columns. Perhaps as many as 220, counting this one, but I’m no more

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sure of that than of how many times I’ve passed MP 63. Some seem to be lost in the ether; March of 1998, for instance, February, 2005, and a few others.

My three fans and fifteen critics might know that I took 2012 off from The Scenic Route, ostensibly so I could collect “the best of” for a book. The collecting is finished. Next comes sorting, culling, grading and winnowing. It’s hard to look objectively at 15 years of work and living and say this stays and that goes, this is of lasting value and that is not. But, it is good exercise, and not only for a writer, but for a human being. It is a chance to gain perspective on the past; opportunity to decide what will be carried forward into the future.

The planet is a crazier and more dangerous place than when The Scenic Route began. The Internet and Jihad have changed our world view incredibly. Our realm of experience is exponentially larger and less secure than we imagined it could be in 1997. We are less innocent and more exposed to the realities of the world than any three generations in the history of man. The folks who once in a while would put a team in front of a wagon and set out from the edge of Montana to Sandpoint would be agog at the times we live in.

But these are the times we are living in, and The Scenic Route has always been personal observations on our times.

(A reader once accused me of having opinions, for crying out loud.) It will continue to be. It may not be as prone toward the poetic and make-nice as it once was. It’s hard to live in these times and see only beauty. But, I will do my best, my level best, to be level-headed and honest with you and to remind you that, even in crazy times, it’s good to slow down and enjoy the scenery instead of traveling always as fast as we can. Hand baskets tend to disintegrate at warp speed, after all.

Not that I believe we are inexorably headed for hell—at least, not all the time. It’s just that life is too short to miss completely the scenic route.

Sandy Compton is, in addition to being an essayist, world traveler and novelist, the owner and publisher at Blue Creek Press.

His latest book is The Friction of Desire, available at www.bluecreekpress.com or The Corner Bookstore and Vanderford’s, both in Sandpoint.

January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page 13

Politically Incorrects Trish Gannon

Through the Eyes of a Goldfish

Keira has a goldfish now, thanks to David Keyes and the Daily Bee. Every year at the Bonner County Fair, the Daily Bee hosts a booth where kids can toss ping pong balls into jars of water and, if their ball actually lands in a jar, they win a goldfish. It’s a perennial favorite of my grandson, Tyler, and thankfully his pingpong-tossing skills are not that great.

So I felt fairly safe in allowing Keira to play the game this summer, given that Tyler’s fine motor skills at the age of 12 are more advanced than Keira’s, who was then almost 3.

I forgot how people think almostthree-year-olds are oh-so-cute and who wants to see disappointment on an almost-three-year-old’s face? When Keira’s ping pong tosses landed far shy of the water jars, the young lady monitoring the booth took matters into her own hands by walking Keira up next to the jar where she then simply dropped the ping pong ball inside for her.

So we went home with a goldfish.

Now, I’m certainly not the first person to take a goldfish home from the fair, and this was not even the first goldfish that’s become resident at my house, but this is a whole new world for Keira and she loves this stupid fish. Which means I have to give a little bit of thought to the care and feeding of a goldfish, so that when Keira comes to visit and runs over to check on how “Fishy” is doing, she doesn’t find him floating belly up in the water.

How hard can it be, right? Get a jar, put water in the jar, put the goldfish in the water and throw some food flakes in every day.

This is why the Daily Bee shouldn’t give goldfish to my granddaughter: because it’s harder than you think!

First, you can’t just put the fish in a jar of water, at least, you can’t if you have

cats in the house. I discovered this upon awakening one morning to find the jar tipped on its side, the carpet wet, and the fish hiding in the tablespoon of water left in what was now the bottom of the jar.

Wow, THAT was fun.

So I got a much bigger ‘jar’ for the fish—one the cats couldn’t tip over.

Except Gandalf is a beast of a cat and easily outweighs, it would appear, several gallons of water. Plus, he really likes the aroma of goldfish food.

So the fish went into a large jar with a lid. (Only at night. I’m afraid there won’t be enough oxygen in the water if I leave the lid on all the time.)

Well, here’s a poor little goldfish in a mighty big jar of water and... did you ever stop to wonder what a goldfish might want? That is, a goldfish that’s stuck living in your house? Because I kinda think a goldfish might want to live in a pond and not in a big jar of water.

I also suspect he might like to, at least occasionally, have a place where he can hide from view.

So I stuffed the jar full of plastic plants. It is not the best solution; I’m afraid he’ll get hurt on the plastic, and they do seem to collect a lot of crud. But it’s a start.

So seriously, how would a goldfish define a comfy home? What kind of habitat does “Fishy” need to be at least moderately happy, however we define happy for a goldfish?

The short answer is, of course, a pond, but at least for now, a pond is not in Fishy’s future. So the second-best answer?

According to Tropical Fish Magazine, a fish tank.

The smallest breeds of goldfish, they say, require something with a capacity of 20 gallons or so, and Fishy’s large jar, which holds a gallon and a half at most,

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is not going to cut it. In fact, it’s likely that Fishy is one of the larger breeds of goldfish (as that’s typically what’s given away at county fairs), and the same magazine tells me he could grow “over 18 inches and [up to] 10 pounds.” That sentence really needs an exclamation point and Fishy, it seems, really needs a bigger tank. Thank you, David Keyes.

Poor Fishy, like all goldfish, actually has a pretty good memory, which means his little jar is boring, boring, boring.

I’m also given to understand that he’s trainable, though training a goldfish is not going to make it very high on my todo list.

Fishy, by the way, if properly cared for, has the ability to live 40 or 50 years, so the goldfish Keira won by watching the booth monitor drop a ping pong ball into a bowl when she was almost three could possibly still be keeping companionship with her when she reaches her grandma’s current age. It boggles the mind.

Do goldfish get lonely? I asked this question of Google and found myself in a fish forum where one person wrote, “I’ve had my fish get really shy and withdrawn when they’ve been with other fish and are then on their own.”

I have no way of knowing if Fishy is currently either shy and withdrawn, or conversely, is quite outgoing for a fish.

How would anyone know? Who has the time to observe a fish long enough to tell?

But if Fishy needs a 20-gallon, filtrated tank to live in, he’s going to have to resign himself to batching it, because 40 gallons is out of the question.

I’m also not quite sure about his TetraFin, “nutritionally balanced diet,” “clean and clear water formula” goldfish flakes, given I’ve read that goldfish are both herbivores and omnivores, preferring both meat and veg on their dinner plate.

This means the aquarium is going to need a few plants that goldfish like to nibble on. And an aeration/filter system. And probably one of those little house things to hide in. And maybe some animal-based food pellets (because I’m not going to throw living creatures in for him to eat).

Next year, I am not going to allow the grandchildren to come within five feet of the Daily Bee’s booth at the county fair. It’s too much work.

January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page 14

FROM THE FILES OF THE RIVER JOURNAL’S

Surrealist Research Bureau

Weird Rumblings from Bigfoot Land There’s a lot of strange nonsense going on in the Bigfoot Hunters Universe lately. For starters, I just can’t watch the television show “Finding Bigfoot” anymore; I actually seem to get physically nauseous. The last time I watched for more than a few minutes was the one in which the “Squatch Hunters” bewilderingly set up a disco ball, strobe lights and loud music in the middle of nowhere hoping to coax a curious Squatch into camera range. I almost lost my lunch and never stayed tuned in to see if they were successful (I’m betting not!).

There’s two more main threads of slightly more interest, however; first is the so-called Sierra Kills, in which a hunter (later ID’d as local redneck Justin Smeja) claimed to have shot two Bigfoot (one a juvenile) while hunting in the Sierras last June. He returned to the site a month later and, though the bodies were gone, he managed to collect a few scraps of hair and bloody tissue which he submitted to two independent DNA labs. One has come back so far clearly identifiable as being from a common black bear. The second sample, examined by veterinarian and animal DNA expert Melba Ketchum, has had its results leaked and in a press release from November 25 she stated, “Extensive DNA sequencing suggests that the legendary Sasquatch is a human relative that arose approximately 15,000 years ago as a hybrid cross of modern homo sapiens with an unknown primate species.”

To be fair, Dr. Ketchum studied not only the “Sierra Kills” tissue samples but over 200 other hair and scat samples submitted to her lab by researchers over the past five years.

In Russia, in September, Professor Valentin Sapunov examined reputed Yeti hair samples and came to similar

Jody Forest

conclusions, saying, “The hair came from a human-like creature which is not a homo sapiens yet is more closely related to man than a monkey.” He was 60-70 percent sure that the hairs belonged to a Yeti-like creature.

I’ve gone to a few websites like BigfootEvidence.com and BigFootLunchClub.com and was blown And they don’t have to—after all, don’t away by the sheer volume scale we Americans believe if it’sand ours, it’s of ours the scorn, derision and ridicule heaped and we can do with it what we want? Or upon the DNA researchers. As George is Knapp stated, “theand BF we (Bigfoot) want it, then beenifeven more you havecommunity to give it tohas us and you don’t, viscous, mostly because so then you sponsor terrorism and we’ll many of the true believers have staked out their own By the way, China wants that oil as turf and do not want to well. Remember The interloper people who seeChina? a scientific loaned us alllike thatKetchum money?upstage China’s or oil consumption isundercut around 6.5 billion barrels public interest a year, and is in growing percent the 800ator7 so cable every year. It producestelevision about 3.6shows billion(so barrels every year. Doesfar this math look good this year) about theto anyone? Can anyone other than Sarah search for BF.” Palin and GeorgeMore BushDNA believe weare can studies drill our way outworks. of thisOxford problem?

Anyone in the University who doesn’t thinkdoing we better hit the ground is also a Sasquatch DNA their running to figure outstudy how and to fuel what we results are due other out this want fueled with something than summer.toThe oil probably deserves go Erickson back to an Project reportedly has managed to placego a on : I could tracking onSo a group forever, but you’ll quit device reading. one final Sasquatches discussion of formigratory the American public. (in First, either British Columbia or Kentucky let’s have a true, independent analysis of according to Internet rumor) and11, has2001. shot what happened on September some “amazing” footage.

The Erickson The official explanation simply doesn’t Project’s been gathering purported Bigfoot hold water. This is one of those “who samples and trace evidence for years and knew what, when” questions that must be submitting them for DNA analysis, but answered—and people/institutions rumors, secrecy and intrigue surroundmust the group. (Dr. Ketchum has verified of“quite accountability, youhi-def might she’sSpeaking seen some remarkable be surprised to learn that I would not footage.”) support an effort to impeach So, hopefully by this summer, President we might Bush November elections. just getafter somethe dramatic news.

You can First, keep because that’s too news late, byand second, abreast of the Bigfoot checking because more I than Bush have been out the websites already mentioned or involved inwww.cryptomundo.com. crimes against the American people. What‘tilI next would likekeep to see are time, news,ofSoylent charges (atspreading the least, the charges treason) GreenBush, is People!

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January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page 15

PASSAGES •

Judith Wigren GOODWIN April 26, 1945 - December 10, 2012

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Steve Paul CHARCHAN July 14, 1944 - December 14, 2012 U.S. Navy veteran

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Jeannie L ANDERSON February 17, 1951 - December 23, 2012 www.LakeviewFuneral.com

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Robert ‘Bob’ Raymond BURKE October 8, 1934 - December 24, 2012 U.S. Army veteran www.LakeviewFuneral.com

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Emmette E. JORDEN Sr. October 15, 1934 - December 27, 2012 www.LakeviewFuneral.com

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Vora Faye BLACK November 16, 1936—December 12, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

Andrew ‘Andy’ ANDERSON March 20, 1942 - December 12, 2012 U.S. Army veteran John Thomas SIPLE April 21, 1916 - December 15, 2012 U.S. military veteran

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Thomas E. ‘Tommy’ JOHNS May 17, 1941 - December 20, 2012

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Phyllis Evelyn Hazelroth BRASHEAR January 22, 1916 - December 20, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

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James Louis ‘Jimmy Mac’ MACUMBER June 13, 1966 - December 24, 2012 U.S. Navy veteran

Erin Marie LIKKEL November 28, 1924 - December 27, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

Viola Esther Montgomery POELSTRA January 24, 1925 - December 16, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

Shirlene Myrtle MARTIN February 28, 1939 - December 27, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

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Nora Jean DAHLGREN August 27, 1946 - December 24, 2012

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Stephen Robert RESSO November 13, 1954 - December 28, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

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Helen Elaine Buhr SURBY April 19, 1925 - December 29, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

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Ruby M DAY December 5, 1926 - December 31, 2012 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

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Donna Rae WAKEFIELD August 14, 1942 - January 1, 2013 www.Coffeltfuneral.com

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Page 16 | The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| January 2013

Jinxed

Jinx Beshears

With two knee replacements under my belt, I was ready to get out of the house and do something. Billie voted for swimming. Mostly am trying not to walk like the penguin I have been emulating for the last 20 years or so, and on a good day, I resemble a flamingo walking pigeon toed, trying to bend and flex knees that haven’t bent or flexed in many a year.

But this was Billie, and pretty much what she votes goes. It’s not like she is spoiled or anything, it’s just that she knows how to have fun, and when she makes up her mind that she wants to do something, there is no talking her out of it. So swimming it was!

“Come on in, Yaya,” Billie’s teeth chattered as she tried to persuade me.

“Really, it’s not that cold!” Yeah, right, I could see her blue lips! But, being a good Yaya, I stuck my toes into Lake Pend Oreille. It was late September and I am still trying to catch my breath today. Billie was right, it wasn’t cold. It was freezing. I don’t mean, freezing like your hamburger meat in the fridge, either. I mean freezing like hot ice on your tongue in the middle of winter on Scotchman. I was pretty sure I had spontaneous frostbite of the toes!

What you have to understand is Billie has great powers when it comes to getting her Yaya to do things. (If you have grandkids, you understand this already!)

Stacey had to hold my arm, because my knees were still very unsteady. So, not only did I have to endure the frosty H2O, but Stacey was beside me all the way, chill bumping with every step! We made it to our ankles. I felt like I was in cold water therapy at Caribou Therapy in Hope!

Jeesh.

The words “cold” or “freezing” don’t do the frigid water justice. My hands were clasped around Stacey’s arm in a death grip; I was afraid to let go for fear of turning into a giant, free-standing iceberg if she got too far away from me.

Stacey told me we needed to just let go and jump the rest of the way in. Really, Stacey, I cant jump anywhere, especially into ice water so bitter my wedding ring might become bonded to my finger permanently!

Finally, I was able to make it to my knees, where both scars puckered angrily at the touch of the ice water. From my knees down I was numb, which should

A Summer Swim have made me not feel anything, but instead made me feel every little goose bump there was, (there were plenty, by the way), in places you wouldn’t think goose bumps would be brave enough to go!

Stacey and I bravely stepped further into the lake, gasping for every breath.

Billie was at least 10 feet further in the water than we were, performing mermaid stunts, splashing about like it was nothing. I envied her youth at that moment. When you are a child, it doesn’t matter how cold the water is or if your body gets used to it… you just play.

We stood still, waiting for our bodies to get used to it. Billie smiled at me. “I am already used to it, Yaya. You can’t because you have old skin.” Did my six-year-old granddaughter just inform me I’m old?

Not panicking yet, I decided to ask a little further. “What do you mean, Billie?”

I fished. “Well, Yaya, you are old. You have to be at least 18!”

Inwardly I grinned. Billie is almost perfect to me, you know. “You are right, Billie, I am at least 18.”

“I knew it!” Billie giggled. “That must mean Brad is at least 19,” she continued.

“Oh, no, Billie,” I countered. “Brad is 53!”

I looked over at Stacey, who was snickering. “You wish,” she laughed.

Really, though, I don’t wish I was only 18. Those were terrible years, when I learned that my parents were smarter than I thought they were, and I didn’t know nearly as much as I thought I did!

Stacey and I stood, trying to get accustomed to the glacial water licking our knees. It was so cold I didn’t think I would ever get used to it. One more step into the water and our thighs were covered. My nether regions tried desperately to make their way north. I cant even imagine if I was a man! At long last I made it into the water to my neck.

My teeth were chattering so loud I was sure the smarter adults (who were still standing on shore) could hear them. I told Stacey I couldn’t really take any more and I needed to get out of the water. My knees did feel better, though.

I watched as Billie swam under the water beside me like a shiny fish. She can even keep her eyes open under the water, which makes my own eyes water just to think about it. After about an hour of

going in and out, getting wet and drying off, we decided to go on back home. By the time we sat through the road work on Hwy 200, I was wanting to go back to swim. We only made it home by promising Billie we would go back the next day and we would force Brad to go with us. Trust me, Billie is a force to be reckoned with.

The next day, with Brad in tow, (he finds it hard to say no to Billie, also), we headed for the water again. Although I really wanted to swim, the water was soooo cold, the idea of getting in made my body revolt! Of course, Brad sided with Billie and they both called me a wimp.

(Then Billie asked Brad what a wimp was!)

I am no wimp, I just have the common sense to know when the water is too cold to be comfortable in and the water was way too cold to “get used to.” Did that stop me from swimming in it? Well, of course not... after all, I had been called a wimp.

Once again Billie ran ahead and threw herself into the water, laughing all the way, jumping up and down encouraging us to all get in, fooling us about it not being cold. Brat. I latched onto Stacey’s arm to make the long trek into the frosty lake, pretty sure the new metal in my knees was going to shatter in the cold. I couldn’t even make it all the way to my hips before giving in and turning toward the shore. Maybe I was a wimp, but I wasn’t going to be a teeth-chattering, arm-shivering, lunatic-looking-like-agiant-smurf-sitting-on-the-shore kind of wimp!

Brad was standing on the shoreline laughing at me. He hadn’t gotten into the water yet, but was there making fun of me, cracking jokes about how we were pansies. Billie swam towards Brad and I knew what was coming. “Come in, Brad,” Billie’s oh-so-innocent voice said. “I want to show you my tricks in the water I learned.” Brad was unable to resist. “Okay, Billie,” Brad grinned. Then he threw himself into the lake. He went almost under the water, but not quite.

His vocal chords rang loud and clear— soprano!

Ahhh… ya gotta love KARMA!!!

January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page 17

Veterans’ News Gil Beyer

I’d like to start this month’s article by offering my heartfelt and deepest sympathies to the devastated families of Newtown, Connecticut. No parent should ever have to go through the terrible tragedy that befell them early on 12/14/2012. For a parent to outlive a child is tragic enough but to have them taken in this unspeakable fashion is to make mere words completely inadequate.

Innocent lives have been taken. Innocent blood has been spilled without reason.

I am, on one hand, so filled with sorrow that words fail me. On the other hand, I am enraged with our leadership’s inability to at least try and prevent these tragedies.

The list grows longer—Columbine, Virginia Tech, Northern Illinois University, Chardon HS in Chardon, Ohio, Oikos University in Oakland, California and now Newtown (I’m only listing the schools—there have been at least another 20 mass shootings since 1999) and more than one supposed leader says that the solution is to have more guns in our schools. Are they freaking nuts?!?

These problems cannot be fixed with more guns. What we need is to close the gun show loophole; establish a mandatory background check (including mental health history) and waiting period for any gun purchase; initiate a ban on high capacity magazines; and, a reinstallation of the assault weapons ban. When upwards of 40 percent of all gun sales are made without a background check being done, we have a real problem. When there are as many guns as there are citizens we have a serious problem.

I have never understood the need for a 30 round—or bigger—magazine in a semiautomatic rifle while one is out chasing the wily whitetail. If you need that many bullets you should be spending a lot more time at the shooting range, not out in the field. Filling the air with jacketed rounds defines a lousy hunter.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a gun owner and hunter. I fully support the 2nd Amendment to our Constitution— especially where it says “A well- regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a Free State...”—with a heavy emphasis on the ‘well-regulated’ portion of that opening sentence. We no longer live in the ‘Wild West’. Jesse James and Wyatt Earp are long gone. We need more rational voices in this debate and I’m

The New Year’s New Congress afraid that we haven’t heard from any of them yet.

Well, here we are—a New Year has begun. I, for one, am glad that 2012 is in our rear view mirror. It was a year that produced new standards for tragedy, ineptitude, and malfeasance in public office and wrongheadedness in every corner of the country. The only good thing that I can say that didn’t happen was that our interpretation of the Mayan calendar was—apparently—wrong.

Well, maybe not. The Mayans always did contend that the world “as we know it will change” on 12/21/2012. That seems to have been the truth. That was the day after that the 112th Congress left town thus, to all intents and purposes, throwing us off the ‘Fiscal Cliff’ they themselves created. As I write this all our duly elected Congressmen—and women—are celebrating the holidays with family and friends. I find this to be roughly akin to Nero fiddling while Rome burned. The 112th House of Representatives established new lows for accomplishments. The 112th passed 151 bills total in both years of its existence.

That is far lower than the 395 passed

by Harry Truman’s “Do Nothing” 80th Congress of 1947-1948.

The Senate is no better. Since it takes 60 votes to get anything past the threat of a filibuster by the GOP minority the likelihood of anything passing the Senate is two: slim and none. And, recent polls show that Americans nationwide are aware of this ineptitude as they show that Congressional approval is at 10 percent as of 12/22/2012. I’m sure that with further Congressional inaction that number will fall even further.

I personally feel that the Senate established a new low when they failed to ratify the UN Treaty that was based on our Americans with Disabilities Act of 2000, signed by President George H. W. Bush. As a treaty it needed 66 votes to be ratified and it failed because only 8 of the 46 members of the GOP minority refused to support an International Treaty that already had 155 signatories worldwide. This treaty was designed to set international standards for freedom of access and movement for all disabled people. The standards were essentially ours and 38 US Senators were worried that this would give the UN supervisory oversight over US laws. Their hubris knows no bounds.

The purpose of this treaty was to encourage the rest of the world to treat people with disabilities as they are treated within the United States. We had an opportunity to demonstrate leadership and—once again—we failed.

Those that voted against this treaty should be ashamed of themselves for they have diminished our standing in the world by adopting a paranoid, parochial vision of what the treaty would do.

For more than a decade we have been creating disabled people at an astounding rate. Now, with their votes, the US Senate is saying that we don’t want to make life easier for those disabled veterans if they wish to travel or live outside the USA. The paranoid, anti-UN members of the GOP have —once again—shown how little they see of the real world and how little they care for our veterans.

Shortly after the election, a pundit took a look at the list of winners and losers in all the races and made the statement, “If you didn’t like the 112th Congress you’ll hate the 113th!” I sincerely hope that he is wrong. I believe all of our veterans have more than earned everything they receive. I believe they deserve more and I had hoped the 113th would do better. We’ll see what transpires after January 3. Until next time—take care and be sure to show your appreciation for our veterans.

Fire and Ice: Risk Assessment and Situational Awareness February 12 The Idaho Panhandle National Forest Avalanche Center will conduct a workshop on Fire and Ice: Risk Assessment and Situational Awareness at 6 p.m. in the conference room at the Forest Service Building, 1602 Ontario St. (towards Dover). This workshop is free and open to the public.

Pre-register by calling Sandpoint Parks and Recreation at 208-2633613. For other classes offered through the USFS, check Forest Service website or call Kevin Davis at 208-265-6686 or John Olson at 208-946-3378.

Page 18 | The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| January 2013

The Threat to Second Base

Breast cancer is one of the most dreaded afflictions a woman can have, yet

and to sell the stuff they convinced women it was better than mother’s milk; and besides, it would save your breast from sagging and ruining your appearance, plus you could feed your baby in public without exposing your breast to all the googly-eyed men.

It was about this time when a fellow named Hugh Heffner came out with a magazine that exploited women’s breasts, by printing a several-page layout of some young lady wearing nothing but a bikini bottom, and supporting two large perky breasts.

From the Mouth of the River BOOTS REYNOLDS

it’s now a common disease that’s expected as well as feared in a woman’s life today.

I don’t really know when it became this predominant in women’s lives. My grandmother had 16 children, raised 12 by breast feeding and when she was 86 had sugar diabetes. They later discovered she had cancer, and she died in the hospital with pneumonia.

We are told early detection of cancer is the key to saving lives, and the early detection method was a hand’s on by some male doctor who might have done more fondling than detection. Then came the X-ray, where they placed your breast under a vice and squeezed it flatter than a flitter. If you’ve undergone this procedure, you’re probably noticed the nurses that work the X-ray machine have a cruel and sadistic look about them, and change appearance shortly after dark on a full moon. With your breast in a vice there’s only so far you can jump and squeal without stretching it out like a rubber band, at which point when she turns you loose, your breast now hangs down below your panty line. You might be surprised to learn that this has come a long way from the old days; they no longer get there nurses from (THE HOME).

Now they have someone with more sensitivity and experience.

I don’t know when so much attention was placed on breast cancer, but I think it all started in the early 50s. Some doctors came up with a formula for babies’ milk

He later wrote that these were not just any girls, these were just the girls next door; apparently I have never lived in that neighborhood as I never seen any of those girls next door.

This accomplished two things: one, it introduced young men to whatever those things were that women had sticking out from under their blouses and two, it made the girls feel somewhat in adequate because most of them were just starting to date and were just starting the use of training bras. So, sitting in a darkened theater with your arm around your girlfriend and finding out you had a hand full of Kleenex, you just assumed she had the sniffles and you tried to stuff them back in there.

This went on for quite some time until some doctors in Hollywood discovered implants; this opened up a whole nother world for women who wanted big breasts.

I have a friend who now lives back East and she has large breasts; her name is Titsi McGillas. You might have read about Titsi before. Titsi is not over five feet tall but her breasts would fit a woman let’s say about six foot six. Her husband is over six feet and is proud of his wife’s looks.

Until recently, when they discovered cancer in one breast and it was so far along they had to amputate. They were devastated; and even more so when they discovered just how much a large breast weighs. Poor Titsi was so off balance that she walked in circles for days until she got her prosthetic breast, which balanced her out.

Also, some times at night she would take it off and let her husband play with it until he went to sleep.

Stop by the cancer center and pick up a brochure showing you how and where to look for lumps in your breast. One friend found hers in the lymph nodes, not out in her breast where she thought it would grow.

My publisher said she saw on the news where if your husband massaged your breast every evening, that the kneading would break up any tumors. Men, talk to your wives before attempting this medical intervention, or it might also break the side of your face and your nose!

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January 2013| The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| Page 19

I wonder where we are going with this; hell, I even wonder where I’m going with this. But needless to say, we’re headed for trouble no matter the destination.

I recently had to purchase a backup heat source in lieu of something I’ve done almost habitually for the past thirty years. That being, one way or another, filling the woodshed with several cords of nice dry BTUs. I say ‘almost’ because procrastination has, at times, played a bigger role here than I would normally admit to in mixed company.

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It’s a nifty little ‘cabinet grade’ infrared heater, and it works quite well, thank you for askin’, and, so far, has kept our humble abode from freezing up, although it hasn’t really done that outside yet. ‘Yet’ being sometime before Christmas and on the same day my property taxes are due, ‘the end of the world’ rolls around (according to some), as well as the deadline for this story. I find a lot of times I have to make this stuff up in advance and just hope for the best, especially where the weather is involved.

Well, anyways, I haven’t received the January bill yet but my back feels a lot better for the purchase. The pain has to go somewhere in trade for the heat though and, for now, it’ll have to be in my wallet. I may know more when my eyebrows check out one of those ‘deep winter’ power bills coming up in a month nearby.

With its cost of operation being an unknown at this point, the only annoying thing I can find wrong with this heater is

the remote control. Not the remote itself, mind you, just the fact that it exists!

Wait a minute, I smell rubber burning or maybe a wet dog‌ oh, it’s an epiphany! One that illustrates a correlation between out of shape societies and per capita needless household remote controls; commonly referred to as CBOOSSAPCNHRC. There might be a few more correlations here but my nose has gone off in search of some incense.

I mean, really, with parking for remotes already beyond capacity as it is, this new one seems a bit preposterous. Not only that, it’s tiny! So tiny in fact that while I was digesting the “How To� section of the disclaimer manual for any loose nuggets of wisdom, I set it down by the pile of other remotes, turned around and heard a distinct “ppffffffft!�

Concerned, as the sound didn’t come from me, I surmised it was the DVR remote showing superior disdain for the unworthiness of this paltry newcomer,

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Page 20 | The River Journal - A News Magazine Worth Wading Through | www.RiverJournal.com | Vol. 22 No. 1| January 2013

oddly oblivious to the fact that it actually controlled more wattage, by far, than he and the others put together.

I decided the couch might be a safer location for the little guy and even though I knew better, set it on a cushion next to me while I enjoyed some interesting disclaimer statements. During this intense period of rolling eyeballs, the couch swallowed my new, freshly powered remote!

After a perfunctory search, I let the couch keep it, then rumpled up what I was reading, tossed it in the wood stove and elatedly started a small but happy little fire in five foreign languages!

I settled back to appreciate how well this new appliance fit in between my old trusty wood stove and ‘entertainment tonight’, a highly complex pile of mostly outdated devices that are tied together and managed by a vast combination of remotes, as well as luck, pluck and the occasional string of dirty phrases.

“Nice”, I thought as I reached up to take care of a mustache hair that, for reasons I will probably never figure out, did an ‘about face’, exciting my left nostril enough to temporarily take control of key motor functions. This shifted my body weight just enough to make the heater suddenly turn itself on; display blinking 20 degrees Celsius. This I found adorable! So much so that, with my other arm, I probed my right ear, this time causing the display to switch to 68 degrees Fahrenheit. “Now we’re gettin’ somewhere!” I thought, “Who needs instructions?” I clapped my hands over my head and the fan came on! Bringing out the big guns, I lifted my right foot. This made

the display respond by going up a notch, blinking excitedly! I put it down and picked up my left foot; the readout went down one, still excitedly blinking. I got kind of excited myself and tried to recall seeing anything in the instructions regarding calisthenics but decided it must’ve been left out on purpose, especially now that the manual was fairly unreadable at this point.

Because I’m easily entertained, this went on unabated until my wife got home from work and inquired as to my current activity, to which I replied, smiling and out of breath, “Exercises! How was your day?”

After she found the remote, exercising didn’t seem all that much fun anymore, so I decided to mess around with our teeming collection, or herd as I like to refer to ‘em.

‘Central Command’ is another term. Many faces, shapes and sizes, functions, ranges and nationalities. A U.N. of electronic lobbyists, if you will.

Boggled more than usual, my mind drifted off and came back with an idea right out of deep space! A robotic little unit, short enough to hide under the kitchen table until called for, then, using voice recognition, it would fetch up any remote desired. Consideration of a patent played through my mind then somehow ran off with a dirty thought. Story of my life.

I leaned back and fantasized about not having to deal with finding the right remote anymore. I reasoned I might not be alone in considering this to be a cool new pastime as well as helpful as all getout in lowering depression in some people.

This cute little runabout could have

a cup holder as well, and a name!

‘Remo’, short for ‘Remobot’ which would, in turn, be short for ‘remote robot, snack tray and beer caddy’. In Washington state and Colorado, it would have spaces for other things as well as a loose assortment of nicknames.

Being short, it would, of course, come with an attitude. By learning to navigate your dwelling, it might instigate a new game called “Finding Remo.” This would provide exercise, causing body heat, thus energy savings, which may offset substantially the cost of batteries needed to run this thing.

Its storage capacity would be large and ‘self configuring’; able to make sense of everything from screen monitor to dvr, DVD to VCR, Blue Ray to radio, table fan to table lamps, toys of tots and coffee pots, toasters, roasters, slowpoke cookers, mood lights, Christmas trees and vehicle starters.

All you’d have to do was remember what it was you wanted!

This would eventually become too much exercise for most Americans to deal with, so a new and improved model would have to be introduced that could read minds.

Where THAT might lead, besides government involvement, could be anybody’s guess.

Scott Clawson

acresnpains@dishmail.net

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Put YOURSELF in the Picture LIMITED SUPPLY!

If you missed any of August’s hot shows under the stars, then don’t hesitate now! Season passes for the Festival at Sandpoint’s 31st annual summer concert series, taking place August 1 – 11, 2013 at Memorial Field, are on sale now! These discounted passes are only $199.00 (plus sales tax & city parks fee) for all eight nights of music at Memorial Field for the 2013 season. Passes are available at this significantly reduced price (an approximate 40% discount!) until the line-up is announced on May 16th, 2013, or until they sell out. Don’t miss a single show!

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