Riverjournal may2017

Because there’s more to life than bad news

A Newsmagazine Worth Wading Through

A Vanguard of the

imperial

force has arrived in Sandpoint

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May 2017

A News Magazine Worth Wading Through ~just going with the flow~ P.O. Box 2656 Sandpoint, ID 83864 www.Facebook.com/RiverJournal (Webpage under redesign) 208.255.6957 • 208.266.1112 RiverJournalIdaho@gmail.com

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Trish Gannon • trishgannon@gmail.com

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Contents of the River Journal are copyright 2017. Reproduction of any material, including original artwork and advertising, is prohibited. The River Journal is published the first week of each month and is distributed in over 16 communities in Sanders County, Montana, and Bonner, Boundary and Kootenai counties in Idaho.

The River Journal is printed on 40 percent recycled paper with soy-based ink. We appreciate your efforts to recycle.

THE RIVER JOURNAL • May 2017 •

6. THESE MIGHT BE THE DROIDS YOU WERE LOOKING FOR Sandpoint’s members of the 501st legion looking to do some good. TRISH GANNON 9. INTERMAX NETWORKS WON’T SELL YOUR DATA. The big ISPs won a victory with the federal government, but one North Idaho provider isn’t going along.

10. LOCAL AUTHOR BILL PERCY Another great local writer has some mysteries to share. KATHLEEN HUNTLEY 11. NOW. Congress and our President may not believe in climate change, but that’s no excuse to sit still.

SANDY COMPTON - THE SCENIC ROUTE 12. REDBREASTED NUTHATCH. For this bird, it’s always safety first. MIKE TURNLUND - A BIRD IN HAND 14 GOLDEN TICKETS OF TRIVIA NIGHT GLORY. Dustin gets lost in the joys of the random fact. DUSTIN GANNON

16. IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME. Only David can see a relationship between boy scouts, randy dogs, and getting rid of a publisher. DAVID KEYES - AS I SEE IT 18. LEGISLATIVE WRAP UP Part 2.

Garvee sausage and governmental vetoes - here’s what we left out last month. GIL BEYER-HERE IN THE MIDDLE 19. WHAT DREAMS MAY COME. A little known side-effect of Parkinson’s Disease keeps patients from a happy sleep. A.C. WOOLNOUGH - ALL SHOOK UP 20. VACATION TIME Ernie and Linda travel to the far, northwest (lower 48) corner of the country. ERNIE HAWKS - THE HAWK’S NEST 22. TREE FOR THE TILLERMAN. Neither Scott, nor his friends, play well with power equipment. SCOTT CLAWSON - ACRES N’ PAINS

Congratulations to Teddi Stinton, our winner of a $50 gift certificate to All Seasons Garden Center last month! Don’t miss your chance to win with an entry form on the facing page. This month: Finan McDonald!

Our Thanks to these fine businesses where you can pick up a copy of the River Journal: Athol Burger Express Hay’s Chevron Noxon Athol Conoco Sandpoint City Hall Monarch Market Big Sky Pantry Westmond Sandpoint Super Drug Clark Fork Beverage Aitken’s Quik Stop Westmond Store Gas n’ Go Samuels Noxon Mercantile Sagle Super 1 Foods Samuels Service Station Trout Creek Sagle Conoco Ponderay Elmira Trout Creek Local Store Sandpoint The Hoot Owl Cafe Elmira Store Thompson Falls Waterfront Conoco Babe’s One Stop Naples Town Pump The Panida Theater Co-Op Country Store Naples Gen. Store Harvest Foods Vanderford’s Books The Bonner Mall Bonners Ferry Plains Eichardt’s Schweitzer Conoco Super One Foods Conoco DiLuna’s Cafe Hope Safeway The Printery Columbia Bank Holiday Shores Bonner Books Dairy Depot Clark Fork Bonners Visitor Center May 2017

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THESE MIGHT BE THE DROIDS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR Two local ‘bad boys’ (and one bad girl) prepare to do good with the 501st Legion

by Trish Gannon

I

“

t’s a Halloween hobby gone wild,” said Cory Miller, explaining why he spends most weekends dressed up as either a stormtrooper, or as the iconic Darth Vader. But while he laughs at his own, unfettered Star Wars fandom, his penchant for cosplay is a lot more than a hobby. Cory, along with local confederate James Caplette, almost make up the entire Sandpoint contingent of the Timberline Garrison of the 501st Legion—James’ wife Amy is a third costumed member, bringint the sum total of their group to three. Despite their Bad Boy costumes, they are coming soon to an event near you in an attempt to benefit the community via volunteer charity work.

The 501st Legion is a world-wide group of “costume enthusiasts” – the Star Wars Imperial Force, to be exact – who volunteer to appear at events that benefit charitable organizations, as befits their tagline, “Bad Guys Doing

A recent fundraiser in Coeur d’Alene shows the variety of characters available to appear at events. Photo courtesy Timberline Garrison

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Good.” That might include your child’s next birthday party, as long as you are prepared to make a donation to charity for their appearance. The pair is also available for Meet and Greets for any who would like to learn more about the 501st Legion and their charity work, or for any other charity event you might dream up. Members of the 501st Legion once even kidnapped a conductor off the stage during a symphony performance of Star Wars music. The pair can also do staged events, such as “Blast a Trooper,” which is pretty much what it sounds like.

“I started looking at the events they (the 501st) do – movies, TV, baseball games. They work with the Make a Wish foundation. It’s a lot of charity work and I wanted to be involved,” Cory explained. “Last weekend we worked at Triple Play at a fundraiser for the Ronald McDonald House.”

In their day jobs, Cory works as the manager for aftermarket sales at Quest Aircraft, and James is a software developer who works at home. But the pair – self-admitted nerds – are also lifelong Star Wars fans.

“I remember being in line to see “the

Return of the Jedi” when I was around 5 or 6 years old,” said James, the younger of the pair, “and they had a Darth Vader walking the line. My uncle was pushing me to go say hi to him, but I wouldn’t.

Yet it left a big impression on me.” It was inevitable James would grow up and want to wear the suit. And carry a light saber. Which is true for most people around in the late 70s, when the first Star Wars movie came out... and for many who were introduced to the franchise later.

Cory said he’s been a Star Wars fan since that first movie premiered when he was about 6, but he was drawn to the role playing when he saw the 501st Legion appear in the Rose Parade, around ten years ago when George Lucas was the grand marshal. “It became a goal of mine to join,” he said.

The 501st Legion was established, they write on their website, “to provide a collective identity for costuming fans,” while doing good work, and last year alone the various groups were able to donate close to $900,000 to charity.

“There’s a mixed reaction from kids,” said James. “Some kids just love it, and other kids love it as long as you don’t

May 2017

208.263.4272

Tyler Cochran gives James Caplette a hand (or an arm) getting dressed. It can take almost 30 minutes to get into costume.

TRJ photo

look at them. The adults,” he added, “just turn into kids.”

Both Cory and James, whose costumes were “approved” just this last December, are eager to begin contributing to this year’s donation total. “We’ve really just gotten started and want to get the word out that we’re available,” said James.

Costumes for the 501st Legion reveal a high level of craftsmanship, and must meet certain standards before members are allowed to wear them in public to events. Some members make their own.

“I don’t have any fiberglass crafting ability, so I saved my money to purchase mine, much to my wife’s chagrin,” said Cory. He estimates he has around $5,000 invested in his costumes and equipment – James estimates he has spent almost twice that. The costumes are truly a work of art; a Vader costume, purchased a la carte, can take up to two years to complete, and the molds

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used to create many costume pieces, including James’ stormtrooper costume, are often the original molds created for the movie franchise.

While authentic, the costumes cannot be said to be particularly comfortable.

Most legion members add ventilation to the helmets, but Cory said the longest he’s been able to wear the Darth Vader costume without a break is an hour and fifteen minutes. “These were costumes that were meant to be on sceen for no more than ten minutes,” he explained.

It’s not possible, while wearing a typical outfit, to even sit down. Putting them on (or taking them off) takes at least 30 minutes.

While James’ and Cory’s interests led them to the Imperial Force, and the 501st Legion, there are other groups loosely affiliated with the 501st that also cosplay various Star Wars characters. The 501st Legion is the oldest group, and is focused

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May 2017

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solely on the Imperial Force. Due to their affiliation with the Star Wars franchise, it also has the strictest guidelines. There is also a Rebel Legion, which is somewhat looser, and is the place to go for those who have dreamed of being Luke, Han Solo, or Leia (or Rey, Finn or Kylo Ren from the new saga.) The Mandalorian Mercenaries involve characters such as Boba and Jango Fett.

And if you’re into robotics, there’s even an R2-D2 robotics builder’s club in Coeur d’Alene, for work on all sorts of droids… which can also be booked for appearances.

“Some people like to collect action figures,” the 501st Legion states on their website, “and some people want to be action figures.” Cory and James decided to get in on the action, and through them, area charities have an expanded opportunity to raise funds… and fun. What’s so bad about that?

With help from other club and legion members in the region, practically any Star Wars character—including Kylo Ren and R2D2, in addition to Vader — is available to appear at your charity event. Timberline Garrison photo.

For those interested in participating with the 501st Legion, the best resource is their website, 501st.com. You can also email Cory at d4rth.v4d3r.208@gmail.com, and he will help with information about the process.

It should be noted that despite the headline of this story, neither James, Cory, nor Amy actually costume as droids. But I have never been able to pass up a bad pun. - TG

BOOKING THE BAD BOYS For those who would like the Imperial Force to make a visit at their own event, there are a few facts to consider. 1. There is no charge for the appearance, but the pair only appear at events that are raising money for, or making a donation to, charity. While there is no minimum donation set, those interested might keep in mind the investment in money and time made by these young men, and donate accordingly.

2. The pair will need a place where they can put on and take off their costumes, which can take up to 30 minutes on each end. 3. Regulations through the 501st state that they cannot appear at either political or religious events. 4. Due to the constraints of the Page

costume, the pair will need a place to relax and take a break for ten minutes after every hour.

5. 501st regulations state that only one iteration of a named character can appear at any event – so no, you cannot have two Darth Vaders show up.

6. If you would like other characters (or just more stormtroopers) at your event, that can often be arranged with the help of other Timberline Garrison members located in Coeur d’Alene, and sometimes even members from the conference located in Spokane. Talk with Cory or James if you’d like characters outside of the Imperial Forces (i.e., some of the good guys) to appear. 7. To begin the process, fill out a request form at 501st.com

Lost in the 50s • May 19 • Begins after parade

Street Dance with the one and only

BASHFUL DAN!

May 2017

INTERMAX NETWORKS VOWS TO SAFEGUARD YOUR DATA In early April the federal government decided that information about you based on your Internet usage, and held by whoever provides your Internet service, is a commodity that those providers can collect and sell to others, without your permission.

Many Internet privacy supporters were outraged—like Mike Kennedy of Coeur d’Alene. “We are stunned at the change in this law,” he said.

And that’s good news for at least some people in North Idaho, because Kennedy is the owner of Intermax Networks, the largest independent Internet provider in the Inland Northwest.

“We take our customer’s privacy seriously, as all Internet Service Providers should. Unfortunately, the big national companies have carried the day in Washington on this. So in response we are making a pledge to our customers that their browsing data is not for sale with Intermax,” said Kennedy, in a press release issued just shortly after the new ruling took place.

Companies like Google and Facebook also aggregate data about you to sell to the highest bidder, but ISPs had been prevented from doing so, given they have access to all your Internet activity. Many broadband providers had argued this as unfair, saying it put them on an uneven playing field because they couldn’t sell information gathered about their customers.

Some may wonder just how big an invasion of privacy this really is—after all, a user on the Internet already knows that “someone else” is watching.

But think about what your Internet use can say about you, and who might want to purchase that information. Right now, it’s likely advertisers, but there are

many others eager for this type of information to become available.

For example, information about

your health, gleaned from the types of information you search for or the websites you visit, could be highly sought out data for certain purchasers. Your shopping habits are an obvious bit of information that retailers might find valuable.

But even the fact of whether you’re online or not gives out the information of whether or not you’re home, and where you might be.

Remember, if information about you is collected and available for sale, it’s also collected and available for hackers as well.

“We are a rapidly growing local company and we may not win a battle with the big company lobbyists in Washington, DC,” Kennedy wrote, “But we can

continue our pledge to our customers that no matter what the big providers say we will go above and beyond and pledge to never sell any of our customers’ data—period.”

The three major national ISPs — AT&T, Comcast and Verizon—have also vowed they will not sell their customer’s browsing histories, but each has been less than protective of customer’s data in the past.

Verizon was fined last year for collecting customer’s web browsing history without their knowledge.

AT&T has been reported as selling customer’s data to police departments. And Comcast, notorious for poor customer service, argued to regulators that it should be allowed to sell customer data... even though it now pledges not to.

As a local provider, Kennedy’s pledge appears the most compelling, and consumers in North Idaho are lucky that Intermax Networks is available in Kootenai, Boundary and Bonner counties.

Ed. Note: Intermax Networks has been a long-time advertiser in the River Journal. Which goes to show that not only do the best people read this magazine, they advertise in it as well.

by Trish Gannon

DiLuna’s Presents:

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May 2017

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Happy Birthday Kinnikinnick!

Kinnikinnick Native Plant Society celebrates its 20th anniversary this year on May 27 at the Sandpoint Community Center, 9:45 am.

Focusing on its history and accomplishments, Rae Charlton, immediate past president of KNPS, and others will review the creation of the Native Plant Arboretum adjacent to the Bonner County Historical Museum, the creation of the book “Landscaping With Native Plants in the Idaho Panhandle,” and its relevance to current land use challenges.

The public is invited to join the party to celebrate and enjoy a piece of 20th birthday cake!

Sponsored by the Kinnikinnick Native Plant Society and Sandpoint Parks and Recreation, for more information, visit NativePlantSociety.org, The Mission of the Kinnikinnick Native Plant Society is to foster an understanding and appreciation of native flora and its habitats in the panhandle area of North Idaho, to advocate the conservation of this rich natural heritage for future generations, to encourage the responsible use of native plants in landscaping and restoration, and to educate youth and the general public in the value of the native flora and their habitats.

LOCAL AUTHOR BILL PERCY There is a flow of imaginative expression that runs through the mountains and valleys here, just about as surely as the rivers and streams.

These expressions take their forms in musical creations, vivid paintings and also the written word. Talent abounds in these parts inspired by the beauty of our surroundings.

I continue to be surprised by the amount of authors and literature being produced locally.

Bill Percy recently held a book signing for his latest novel, “Nobody’s Safe Here” at the Hope Cafe. Bill’s background is a little different from most novelists as he was, prior to retiring, a psychotherapist in St. Paul, Minnesota along with being a consultant for the St. Paul Police Department. This gives him a great background to write about real situations and events.

He said his intent in his mystery stories is to delve into the human dimensions of his characters and not just a diagnosis. Paul’s stories utilize contemporary issues that we all can relate to. He sets them all in a rural

valley in Montana, and then keeps his readers engaged through twists, turns, tragedy and renewal.

Coming from rural Montana myself I am delightfully surprised when reading Bill’s books by how he has captured the flavor which is unique to small, rural communities. Come to find out that he has family in Montana and ranching friends who share their stories.

It doesn’t hurt that his prior writings were in instructional texts and different venues.

His current novel includes the same eclectic characters from his first book “Climbing the Coliseum.” Talking to Bill it appears a third book is at the publisher and a fourth is being written.

The sagas will continue.

Another local author, Gail Burkett, is a woman’s advocate and has written several books on the life stages of women and their soul journeys. Her latest is “9 Passages and Soul Stories.”

I don’t think the East Coast has anything on our talented, local writers.

by Kathleen Huntley

One story ends... and another begins Come say good-bye to Tom Clark and meet

Cedars of Idaho’s new owner, Rich Ballard Tuesday, May 16 • 8:30 to 4:30 Look for special sales throughout the day to get you started on all your spring projects. This is great project lumber at a great price!

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M-F 8:30-4:30 Sat 8:30-12:30 or call for appointment Page 10

May 2017

NOW

by Sandy Compton • sandy@bluecreekpress.com

regularly in all parts of the world, and It’s stunningly simple, sort of a the continuing relocation of peoples “what if?” idea that someone chanced living just above sea level are telling us upon in a brainstorming session or something important. maybe over a cocktail. It’s a very good The disappearance of glaciers in idea. And we need very good ideas to Glacier Park alone should have the get a handle on global warming before attention of climate deniers. Not that it’s too hot to handle. CCL is one of they ever really look into Glacier or those good ideas. CCL in North Idaho is any other place where moving rivers of looking for partners and resources in the ice reign over the valleys they create. public sector, as well as individuals who Their world seems full of conspicuous want to help “in the trenches.” consumption, extractive industry and There are things that can wait until fiscal priorities that have nothing to do tomorrow. In fact, if we would learn with conservation, except to be against to slow down as a species, and think the idea. things through, we might have a healthy Thanks goodness we have people salmon fishery in the U.S., cars that run on the planet who make it their cause on hydrogen, solar panels on every roof to tell the tale of climate change and in the American Southwest, safe nuclear expose where we really are now. Thank power and not be embroiled in Middle God, in fact. They may not be popular Eastern wars. But global warming isn’t with industrial America. The boards of going to wait for us. We need to catch up directors at Burlington Northern, Exxon, to it. And we need to start working on it Peabody Coal; the President himself together — NOW. may not want to listen. Nor do folks who live in denial because their paycheck is a direct result of feeding the dragon. But people are telling the climate story and The Scenic Route is also working to effect change NOW. a book collecting many At the April 29 Climate March of the best of Sandy and mini-conference in Sandpoint, a Compton’s essays. It woman gave a simple and compelling and his other book are presentation on climate change and available at Vanderfords a nonprofit she works with called in Sandpoint, The Well Citizen’s Climate Lobby (online at Read Moose in Coeur citizensclimatelobby.org). CCL is an d’ Alene and online at international grassroots environmental bluecreekpress.com. group that trains and supports Visit his Facebook page at facebook. volunteers to build relationships with com/sandycomptonwriter their elected representatives in order to influence climate policy; helping powerful people to stop saying it ain’t so and to start coming up with solutions.

One of CCL’s solutions is a Washington, D.C., council on climate change made up of congressmen recruited by the lobby. You might think that the council is from the Democratic side of the aisle, but in a beautiful twist of logic, CCL decided to recruit from the Republican side. They have one requirement for a new recruit to fulfill.

The Republican has to bring along a Democrat.

May 2017 Page 11 Since Western Europeans fell into the New World in 1492, the incredible resources of the Americas and other “new worlds” — combined with the notion of Manifest Destiny — have largely brought about the world in which we live. The United States didn’t invent Manifest Destiny, but we named it, adopted it with gusto and followed it eagerly and greedily to where we are now, living on a planet at risk because of our own addictions, attitudes and actions.

Our glaciers are melting, our oceans are rising, and people are being displaced, But the U.S. has manifested an administration that denies global warming is a.) real, b.) caused by humans, and c.) something we must be doing something about NOW. And in spite of overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary, it seems a number of the “ordinary folk” are willing to accept that answer.

In the big scheme of things, our species is a recent arrival in the Universe. We can claim a presence of one-tenth of one percent of the eons since Earth coalesced as the third rock from the Sun. Still, we’ve managed to make significant progress, particularly during the past 525 years, in which ridiculously short period of time almost all indigenous peoples have been “conquered,” we turned from lives ruled by fear and superstition to at least a modicum of enlightenment, men flew to the moon, we invented weapons capable of killing all of us and our pets, and we found cures for some of the most daunting diseases the microscopic world has ever thrown at us.

All of these accomplishments, as dubious as some of them are, have happened by working together.

All I really know about climate change is that the world is getting warmer. I’m not a scientist with a litany of data to support my thesis, but it seems to me that our shorter, milder winters — it’s a trend; check it out — the erratic weather we witness

The Scenic Route

RED-BREASTED NUTHATCH Not your typical bird-next-door

by Mike Turnlund • mturnlund@gmail.com

Tom said this is what our compost did for his garden!

In this modern world in which we live, most of us do not really know our neighbors. Granted, we might know their names and we always smile and wave at them in the morning, or evening, or whenever it is socially appropriate; but we hardly really, really know them. It is only after they pass away that we read in their obituary our now-former neighbor was a bona fide Nobel Laureate, or had scaled Mt. Everest, or had actually invented a cure for one of the million variants of the common cold. Gosh, who’d have known that you had been living next to someone who was not your typical nextdoor-neighbor?

And such is our bird of the month: the red-breasted nuthatch. This, ladies and gentlemen, is not your typical birdnext-door. Nope, this bird is something special and unique. And it lives in our area!

All the nuthatches are wee little folks. There are three different species in our region: the red-breasted, which we’ll discuss below, the white-breasted,

and the pygmy. They’re all about the same size as chickadees, but act quite a bit differently. Most often we’ll only see them as they visit our backyard bird feeders, with sunflower seeds being counted among their favorite foods.

If you are able to spy a nuthatch enjoying a meal, you’ll see the origin of their common name. Unlike chickadees, which hold a seed or nut in their foot as they chisel it open with their sharp beaks, nuthatches wedge it into a cleft of bark or similar means to hold it steady. They do this because they don’t want to bruise a toe with a sharp whack of the beak.

For nuthatches, it is always safety first. Actually, I made up that last little bit, but it sounds plausible. Anyway, by securing a nut in this fashion they hack it apart. Somehow “hut hatch” is related to the term “nut hack.” At least, that is the conventional wisdom.

The red-breasted nuthatch is obviously named: it has a robin-redcolored breast. Their topsides are

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208-266-1245 Page 12

May 2017

A Bird in Hand

Do you love birds, and want to know more? Check out Mike’s bird photos, online at birdsidaho. blogspot.com.

gray—head, back, wings, and tail— whereas the rest of the body is white.

The male and female look similar, with the male having a darker, black-colored head in contrast to the female’s muted gray. They also sport a distinctive white eye stripe. In contrast to the roundheaded chickadees, nuthatches appear to be flat-skulled. They’re not, they’re as round-headed as the chickadees, but it just doesn’t seem that way. Chickadees are vertical in their carriage; nuthatches horizontal. So the fact that they always look like they’re looking up, combined with a short neck, gives them that flat skull appearance.

On top of it all, they have what appears to be upside-down beak. Their beaks curve upward, rather than down or straight ahead. Kind of funny and odd-looking, really.

So what is so special about the redbreasted nuthatch? Perhaps unique in the entire kingdom of the birds, nuthatches can walk down a tree, headfirst. Yup, they just descend a tree,

beak pointed downward. You’ll even see them hanging upside down under a branch or twig when searching for food.

This is evidently some herculean, extraordinary ability.

The red-breasted nuthatch is an omnivore, meaning it takes both plants and animal life for food. To get through the winter they focus mainly on the seeds of pine cones and other conifers, but come spring and summer they start predating insects and other wiggling critters.

The red-breast is a monogamous breeder and both future parents work together to excavate a nesting cavity.

I have a single male bird outside of my home in the Sagle area and I’ve been him begin the slow process of digging out a hole in a birch tree (I haven’t seen his mate yet). He will reach into the partially excavated cavity and chip away a few beats, peek his head out and take a look around, return to the hole ---chip, chip, chip--- and, again, take a peek around. He will do this a half dozen times and then fly off a short distance to sing his strange little yodel, before

returning to the nest hole excavation.

And it is the male’s little song that might first tip you off on the new neighbors. Many bird guides describe the male’s song as resembling the sound of a child’s toy tin horn. I agree, albeit played in a nasally, flat yantyant-yant. Again and again: yant-yantyant. Distinctive, but not particularly loud and it tends to get drowned out by other sounds. Listen carefully and you’ll hear it --- yant-yant-yant.

I’m always excited when the redbreasted nuthatch visits my outdoor feeder. I especially built a feeding platform to attract this bird and it worked. And the fact that I have a nesting pair right next door gives me delight. I can’t wait to see the babies!

There you go. One of your neighbors is capable of an extraordinary ability that is the envy of the avian world. So arrange a meet-and-greet with your own backyard feeding platform filled with sunflowers seeds. Remember, red-breasted nuthatch isn’t your typical bird-next-door! Happy birding!

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Photo by Walter Siegmund, CC BY-SA 3.0

POAC PARTY - ART IS IN ALL OF US Sat. June 3 • 5:00 pm titled • $75 per person

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Page 13

Golden Tickets Of Trivia Night Glory it to as early as 80 B.C. and its usage on coins begins to disappear after Constantine the Great in the early 300s.

Ellen should give away more stuff on her show, like Oprah, and then rename her show to Ellen de Generous.

Our Moon - the only face of it you’ve ever seen. Image credit: NASA

O

ccasionally, a day can seem entirely too long and difficult.

After spending the last 10 hours cleaning my garage and party zone of what appeared to be a large commune of rats, I have experienced one of those days. I have had all month to prepare a collection of words to fit onto this page that you may be reading right now, but tonight is when my mother needed it by, so tonight is when I decided to write it.

Impending war and dropping bombs, murders, shootings, vehicle crashes... there’s no shortage of horrible things to spend your day listening to or reading about. Which is why I’d prefer to focus on something completely out of left field: random trivia and shower thoughts.

It’s always selfishly rewarding to exclaim random tidbits of knowledge that you’ve found among the depths of the Internet one night when you were probably supposed to be writing an

informational article on current city events or something. I’d like to structure this page with a few facts that are completely random, but might get you out of a pinch at trivia night down at the bar. Tuesday’s at Paddy’s on Appleway in Cd’A can be difficult. In between these golden tickets of trivia night glory, I’d like to ad some random shower thoughts that just make you think about anything else besides what might be worrying you today. So here we go.

Do you know what the abbreviation S.P.Q.R is? What it stands for? It is so much more than the tattoo that Russell Crowe carves from his flesh in the movie “the Gladiator.” This is an abbreviation of the Latin phrase, Senatus Populusque Romanus, commonly translated as, “the Senate and People of Rome.” It is unknown as to when the usage of these letters began, but inscriptions from the Late Republic date

by Dustin Gannon • dgannon@cbidaho.com Page 14

The sun never sets in Russia. This is a bold claim; I know because I typed it in bold. This is something I heard on a documentary I was watching about World War II. It showed a propaganda film made by the U.S. to show our people how great Russia was, in order to convince our populous that being an ally with Russia was a good idea. The country is YUGE!! Spanning over eleven time zones and two continents, when the sun is setting in St. Petersburg, it has already begun to rise in Vladivostok. Russia is also around 9,000 kilometers wide, which means nothing to me because that is a unit of distance that I don’t know how to comprehend.

5,592 miles, thanks Google! That’s more than twice as wide as the United States! No wonder some people can see it from their house.

Ninety percent of the television show “Family Guy” is just Seth McFarlane talking to himself Every time you see a full moon, you see the same side of the moon. When I heard this I thought someone was trying to play a joke on me. Then I thought of Pink Floyd and his album Dark Side of the Moon and realized that probably everybody has heard this term and understands why it exists.

Not to mention, even that horrible Transformers movie “Dark of the Moon” starts to make more sense.

The Moon does rotate while it orbits around us. However, it takes the Moon the same time to make a revolution on its axis as it does to rotate around our planet—roughly 27 days. So every full moon that you see is from the same side.

Ganymede, Callisto, Adrastea, Thebe, Titan, Pandora, Enceladus, Phobos.

May 2017

Those are all names of moons in our solar system. Why did we get so lazy and simply name our moon, the Moon?

(In Latin, the moon is “Luna,” and in Greek it’s “Selene.” But both of those trnaslate as “moon.”)

In some parts of Africa, you can buy beer brewed with bananas. This is another tidbit that I’m sure a ton of people have heard of before. I still tend to hang on to my lovely college days where if there’s beer, I’ll drink it. I don’t really care to know about hops or what an IPA is. This doesn’t mean I don’t drink those beers, its just that I do just that: drink them. Every time I go into Capone’s in Coeur d’Alene and ask for a beer that’s good, they reply with, “What do you like? Ambers, IPA’s, stouts?”

Honestly, I have no idea. All I know is that I’ve probably had all of them and liked something from each style at some point.

That being said, banana beer sounds delicious! You might not know this but bananas are a fruit, so they can ferment like any other fruit. Places like Kenya and Rwanda thrive from bananas, so it only makes sense that they find a way to get drunk off them, too. Every day in America breweries are trying to come out with something new and fresh, so hopefully some awesome and amazing brewery will read this article and decide that banana beer might be something to try and make. Cough... Laughing Dog...

Cough….

The Japanese Flag could actually just be a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

I’ll leave you with a few more random thoughts.

Nothing is on fire, fire is on things.

When you ‘bite down’ on something, you’re actually ‘biting up’ because you can’t move your top jaw.

People on a planet 65 million light years away from us looking at earth would see dinosaurs. Which might explain the Fermi paradox.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay would sound like a ton of fun if you had no idea what either of those things were.

May 17-20 Idaho Lost in• Sandpoint, the 50s May 18-21 • Sandpoint, Idaho

Hot Cars Vintage Car Parade, downtown Sandpoint, 6 pm Friday Car Show - Saturday 9:30 to 3:45

Hot Music

Rock and Roll Heaven (Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Richie Valens)

Thursday 7 pm, Bonner County Fairgrounds $30 (Doors open 6 pm)

Show and Dance: Shirley Austin Reeves (of the Shirelles) Tommy Mara & the Crests, Rocky & the Rollers, Friday at the Bonner County Fairgrounds

The Righteous Brothers plus Rocky & the Rollers, Saturday at the Bonner County Fairgrounds

Hot Moves Street Dance,

Friday, immediately after parade, hosted by Bashful Dan, FREE!

Aspirin Rally Run, Sunday, 5k run 10 am, Car Rally at 11:30 am.

Questions / Tickets: Call 208-265-5678 (LOST) or 208-263-9321 • www.sandpoint.org/Lostin50s

May 2017

Page 15

IT SEEMED LIKE a GOOD IDEA at the TIME

by David Keyes • davidkeyes09@gmail.com It seemed like a good idea at the possible litigious one. time.

Ace salesperson Mary Beth Smith When the local Boy Scout troop volunteered at the Panhandle Animal needed a visit to help earn the Shelter and would do about anything communications merit badge, the Daily to get one of “God’s furry creatures” Bee was always a go-to place. Cub adopted. The Bee started the adopt-aScouts, 4-Hers and even some church pet promotion under her watch and it Live on the top of Huckleberry Mountain! groups had it on their list, always still runs today.

160 +/- acres with easy access off a county followed by a stop for ice cream at A Cub Scout pack was planning road offers plenty of elbow room. Borders Dub’s. an after-hours tour at the Bee on a public land plus end of the road privacy. Also Even though the Bee stopped being available with historic homestead on 320 printed in Sandpoint back in the midacres. $449,000 20152991 80s, there were still some pretty cool Private yet close to town. This 3 bedroom, things to see and do in the confines of 2 bath home sits on an acre of land with 310 Church St. plenty of trees. 30x20 shop with 220 power Long gone was the Goss Community and 24x24 attached garage. Many recent web press that would shake the whole upgrades! Covered porch, deck & firepit for building while it ran. Gone, too, were enjoying the setting. $325,000 20163324 all of the cutting, trimming, stitching, gluing, stapling and other devices that Manufactured home on close to an acre made sure the Daily Bee would make it in town in Clark Fork. Private yet convenient, on the streets. abundant wildlife. Many upgrades in this 4 One can now only imagine how a BR home including new metal roof in 2015. young man’s eyes would light up when Water and electric in for second home on he was allowed to cut a pile of paper property. $139,000 20163159 with a cutter that was as big as a Affordable Housing Opportunity in Volkswagen and resembled a medieval Bonners Ferry.this 3 Bedroom 2 Bath turn torture device. key home is ready for the eligible buyer.

Who wouldn’t be impressed after Specific income limits apply. Closing costs, stepping into the darkroom, with its prepaids and down payment are available to red, glowing lights and the smell of help you become a home owner. $106,000 a toxic soup of chemicals that would 20163645 magically transform pieces of plastic into photographs?

Beautiful Sagle View Property. Gorgeous Managing editor (at the time) views of Lake Pend Oreille, the Cabinet Caroline Lobsinger and I put our Thursday night. I was ready with my old Mountains, and the Clark Fork Delta! Rock heads together to make the field trips newspapers and Lobsinger was ready to outcroppings, end of road privacy and more. as memorable as possible.

While produce her very special edition of the Build your dream! $69,000. 20161369 I would walk the wide-eyed kids paper. through the building and show them Ms. Smith caught wind of the some small relics from the past while impending tour and decided these third mixing in some computer time, Ms. and fourth graders would be just the Lobsinger would take a photo of the right folks to have an informal meet and kids surrounding a layout computer greet with irresistible pound puppies. and would produce a one sheet The Cub Scouts and the dogs showed Call Carol Curtis “newspaper” that featured the name up about the same time and the canines Asso. Broker, GRI, of our visitors as well as a photo of the and the youngsters each enjoyed some Realtor group. room to roam throughout the Bee office.

208-290-5947 How cool is that?

Somebody had the bright idea to Our last tour was a memorable and Page 16

May 2017

208-290-5947

increase nutrients, such as nitrogen and

Council website at tristatecouncil.org.

Hay’s Chevron

This septic pilot project is being introduced in order to comply with water Gas • Convenience Store quality standards as determined by the take a touching group photo to run in friends with another dog and in a split Unofficial Historical Society Federal Clean Water Act. Designated to the paper. Cute kids and puppies: who second sets quality, of eight-the and nine-yearprotect12water plan, known as could resist that combination? In fact, old were watching the goings a eyeballs “Total Maximum Daily Load” for Lake Oil Changes it wouldn’t be farfetched to believe that on.

Pend Oreille, addresses nutrient issues Tire Rotation every dog would be adopted and every At the same second one of the by appointment Cub Scout would have college paid children “Mommy, what are they In said. addition, many lakeshore for by random strangers who saw the doing?”, anotherparticipated kid tried to break homeowners in a up survey photo. the party and one of the dogs nipped at in 2007 concerning a variety of water This is how a good idea can fall him. quality issues. As is turns out, their 208-266-1338 apart.

While visions of lawsuits danced in Mary Beth-and others lined upWorth Wading my headThrough we sent|the scouts out of the | Vol 17 No. 18 | November 2008 | Page 5 TheAs River Journal A News Magazine www.RiverJournal.com the dogs in the front row, somebody building one way while the amorous forgot to tell one of the mutts that being canines were carted away back to the EVERGREEN REALTY released from puppy prison didn’t mean shelter. it was time for a conjugal visit... if you ••• know what I mean.

Sales Associate, GRI Why am I sharing this?

So the one dog decided to make No newspaper is the same as it was 10 years ago or 20.

Most recently, Daily Bee publisher and ad director Jim McKiernan was shown the door. He followed me out. I was there 19 years, he was there two— an almost 10-year average for the past two publishers.

Shortly after McKiernan left, the editor of the Bonners Ferry Herald, Star Silva, and salesperson Julie Richardson were also let go.

321 N. First Ave. - Sandpoint Wasn’t much time before that the 800.829.6370 Priest River Times closed its office in 208.263.6370 Priest River after 100 years and the EvergreenRealty.com longtime editor and sports editor were sacked.

SchweitzerMountain.com Here’s the issue. Reducing local staff and closing offices doesn’t quench the thirst for local news and advertising; in fact it opens up doors for others who are Whatever Your Event Needs more in tune with those communities.

The moral of the story is that what might seem like a good idea at the time has a good chance of coming around and biting you in the butt.

Curt Hagan

We’ve Got It Covered

The Way I See It David Keyes is the former publisher of three North Idaho newspapers.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Dishes, linens, chairs, tables, tents and more. Expanded selection covers any event, big or small.

1201 Michigan St. • Sandpoint www.weddingsinsandpoint.com

208.263.9748

May 2017

Page 17

IDAHO LEGISLATIVE WRAP-UP

by Gil Beyer • 40vintage@gmail.com Last month we had to leave a lot of things hanging. The Legislature hadn’t completed its work on several major funding bills and it was possible that the session would be extended. When all was said and done the Legislature managed to push through what was necessary and adjourned sine die on Wednesday, March 29. To shed some light on the phrase ‘sine die’ we find that it literally means ‘without a day.’ In legislative speak it means that they adjourned without setting a date to resume.

The Legislature sent a pile of bills to the Governor as they left town. They didn’t know which of those bills would be signed into law but made some assumptions that the necessary ones— transportation and education primarily —would be okayed by the Governor.

A complete list of all bills dealt with during this session—and after—can be found at http://bit.ly/2pEfhLf The transportation bill, according to Senator Shawn Keough, was “pure political sausage made up of a combination of GARVEE bonds, general funds (sales tax) and some smaller pieces from other sources.” It should be noted that the Senator and both LD1 representatives voted ‘no’ on this bill.

The education bill did increase funding for K-12, community colleges and 4-year universities, but still falls far short of the adequate funding called for in the Idaho Constitution. This funding shortfall all but guarantees local school districts will continue to seek supplemental levies.

The biggest bill to come out of the Legislature from the perspective of most Idahoans was the repeal of the 6 percent tax on groceries. This tax more directly impacts low income families than the more affluent because poorer people spend a higher percentage of their money on food. Both the House and Senate passed this repeal with bipartisan support in spite of the anticipated effect of reducing state revenues by approximately 80 million dollars.

Another bill that passed with bipartisan support was a change in the civil asset forfeiture law (H 202a), Simply Page 18

put, it limits what can be confiscated when a crime is committed. As an example, a carpenter’s tools can not be confiscated if he is arrested for simple possession of a controlled substance since the tools had no part in the crime.

This bill went to the Governor on March 28 along with several others as the Legislature headed out the door.

Imagine the surprise when the Governor vetoed both of these bills, amongst others. A review of the Governor’s letters explaining the

Here in the Middle

A retired Navy man, Gil Beyer has been active in local politics.

vetoes reveals that the grocery tax repeal probably wasn’t much of a surprise to legislative leaders. If anyone is interested, the complete letter of explanation on the grocery tax veto can be found at http://bit.ly/2p1mNfn The letter from the Governor says, in part, “The leaders were concerned about the fiscal impact of such a change, citing the trouble that Utah legislative leaders reported as a result of our neighboring state taking that action.”

And “The ramifications of lifting the sales tax from food had made budgeting more difficult with the loss of what was their most stable and consistent source of revenue.” Yes, everybody does have to eat so you can count on that revenue stream being pretty predictable, but what could we have learned from the mistakes of Utah?

Another veto letter issued by the Governor (http://bit.ly/2qtX3dp) states the reason for vetoing the bill on confiscation was there was no evidence the existing law had been abused.

In the letter he called it “a solution in

search of a problem.” Many believe this finding by the Governor is in error and this bill could be brought back up again next session.

In the category of listening to constituents, U.S. Congressman Raul Labrador held a town hall meeting in Meridian on April 19. An article from AP reporter Kimberlee Kruesi stated the congressman was both booed and cheered during his almost three hours at the podium. The crowd was estimated at 800 plus and it did not appear that many of Labrador’s supporters were in attendance. Some of the congressman’s remarks that drew the most reactions were: “I just don’t think it’s a right to have health care,” and “I do not believe health care is a basic human right.”

The crowd’s anger peaked whenever Labrador didn’t clearly answer questions about why Congress wasn’t doing more about questions regarding the President’s ties to Russia and his failure to release his tax returns.

Labrador said there wasn’t enough evidence to demand that Trump hand over his tax returns and there was no legal requirement for him to do so. Many in the crowd waved red pieces of paper when the answers given were felt to be inadequate. A careful reading of the AP article did not reveal much of substance coming from Labrador in a Q&A meeting that was almost three hours long. There is supposed to be a town hall held in North Idaho sometime this summer but no date has yet been set. I guess one could say that the meeting adjourned sine die.

With the Legislature out of Boise things have gotten a little quieter down south. Things here in Bonner County are heating up. There is an important election coming up on Tuesday, May 16. Both of the Bonner County school districts are holding contested trustee races. In the east, the LPOSD has a clear divide amongst the candidates on the ballot. Victoria Zeischegg (Zone 3) and Anita Perry (Zone 5) have spoken Continued on next page

May 2017

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME Parkinson’s Disease and Sleep Disorders

by A.C. Woolnough • acwooly@gmail.com Willie the Bard—better known as William Shakespeare—was not only a genius, he was prescient. It may be that he was one of the first sleep scientists. The entire quote from Hamlet demonstrates a knowledge of sleep that didn’t become common knowledge until the 20th century, more than 300 years later: “To die, to sleep To sleep, perchance to dream - ay, there’s the rub, For in this sleep of death what dreams may come...”

Unlike dogs who seem to act out their dreams of chasing rabbits, scientists have discovered that when we are engaged in REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is when most dreaming takes place, there is a disconnect between our brains and our bodies. The cerebral cortex sends a cease and desist order to the spinal column. For example, my near constant hand tremor takes a vacation for seven to eight hours each night. In essence, we are paralyzed so we don’t act out what can be a vivid and actionpacked episode of dreaming. When Shakespeare equated sleep and death, he was on to something.

Although there is a general inability to move muscles, the brain is very active—on par with being awake.

Scientists generally believe that REM sleep involves organizing knowledge and memories. Scientists make this

Wrap-up, Cont’d against school levies, and are identified with the American Redoubt movement, indicating they will have strong support from that portion of the populace. My recommendations in those zones would be for their opponents, Lonnie Williams in Zone 3 and Cary Kelly in Zone 5.

(Editor’s note: Cary Kelly was once a regular columnist for the River Journal, writing about marine deputy issues.)

The candidates for the Zone 2 positon

claim following studies that show losing REM sleep results in an inability to remember what they were taught before going to sleep. REM sleep is about 25 percent of our total sleep. We cycle through our sleep stages with REM usually occurring three to five times per night—lasting from a few minutes up to about a half hour—with most dreams

All Shook Up A.C. Woolnough is a member of PDF’s People with Parkinson’s Advisory Council occurring later in the sleep cycle.

Unlike Freud and others, I will not attempt to interpret dreams in the space allotted for this column. Instead, I will briefly relate two of my most memorable (for the wrong reasons) dreams of the past month. In the first dream, I saw a carjacking taking place and thinking I was some kind of super hero, I went after the bad guy—hitting, slapping and generally getting the best of him. I finally put him down for good with a roundhouse karate-style kick. In the second dream, I was being chased by some imaginary monster-like creature. As I ran toward my village, I began to shout an alarm to warn family and friends.

As written, these dreams are nothing special or spectacular. What made them unusual is that in the first dream, I actually kicked Pamela, my are Gary Suppiger and Richard Miller.

Because Miller has also been associated with the anti-tax crowd, my vote would be for Suppiger.

Certain groups have taken advantage of low voter turnout in the past to move things their way. Remember, if you don’t vote you can’t complain about the outcome. See you at the polls!

One last note for the month: It seems that several of our legislators aren’t happy with the results and timing of

wife and angel, in the shin—hard! In the second dream, which took place in a hotel in New York, I was screaming aloud and woke myself up. Like about half of persons with Parkinson’s Disease will, I had experienced my first incident with what is called REM Sleep Disorder or REM Behavior Disorder. All of this might be mildly amusing except that my kick really hurt Pamela and left a bruise, and my yelling might have summoned hotel security to my room. RBD has the potential to go beyond discomfort to outright danger if it becomes severe.

“Ay, there’s the rub,” Although I use my Parkinson’s as a convenient excuse for many things such as lapses in memory, my atrocious golf game, and occasional lack of coordination, every now and then Parkinson’s Disease chooses to bite back. It is at those times that I am reminded that PD is both chronic (it isn’t going away) and progressive (it is going to get worse).

“What dreams may come…” My dream is for researchers to continue seeking better treatments, an understanding of the causes, a way to slow or halt the worsening symptoms, prevention and, finally, a cure.

In “The Tempest,” sleep scientist William Shakespeare’s wisdom is once again on display: … We are such stuff As dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep.

the Governor’s vetoes. Thirty Idaho legislators filed suit with the Idaho Supreme Court arguing that the vetoes should be nullified because the Governor did not exercise his right in the time allowed by the law. As of Wednesday, April 26, the Court was holding up the suit on procedural errors. The legislators will have until May 6 to straighten out these errors before it can be heard. Stay tuned.

May 2017

Page 19

VACATION TIME

by Ernie Hawks • ernestmhawks@gmail.com Two ships pass, each carrying numerous trainloads of containers. One with bow to the west, on the other the crew was looking forward to port. No doubt they were on a schedule; they may have even had a sense of urgency to them. This was in sharp contrast to us. We were on “vacation time.”

Beyond the vessels, about ten miles from my vantage point, the snowcovered mountains of Vancouver Island met the many hues and textures of thick grey clouds.

The Strait of Juan de Fuca has a charm all its own. A low surf delivers the sounds one expects on an ocean.

But Canada is not far away, narrowing a major shipping lane, and making the waterway a busy sea highway.

Safe and away from the windrain-sleet-sunshine northwest spring weather, I was treated to the scene from the comfortable loft of our rented retreat.

We assumed three nights in a delightful beach house would be plenty, but now we wished our reservation was for a few more days.

The house belongs to a friend, and was lovingly built by her father. He cut the timber, milled it, then crafted a home of log, timbers and traditional framing. The finish has a somewhat rustic, small lodge appeal. Also built in and still present was his caring affection for the people, the land, and the materials.

After settling in there was little desire to leave to do anything; the lodge was easily a destination in itself. So the rest of that first day was spent walking the beach and relaxing, watching the sea activities: some acts of nature and others created for human pleasure or commerce.

As we planned the trip, exploring the north coast of the Olympic Peninsula was included. Now in this wonderful, warm nest the impulse to leave, for any reason, dropped precipitously on the priority list.

Still, after a simple meal and a glass of wine, plans for the marrow began to reemerge. Going to Cape Flattery, Page 20

a little over an hour away, became the primary goal. Enjoying a trip that skirted the human and natural historic, shore would offer a full (or as full as

would canoe its waters to what is now Vancouver Island, twelve miles to the north across the strait as it empties into the Pacific Ocean. Even today they are given dispensation to travel back and fourth since their nation is located on both sides.

The lessons to be learned in the museum are many and should be given

Cape Flattery, the northwest corner of the U.S. Photo by Konrad Roeder, CC by 3.0. Inset: Linda, Ernie and Waya on the cape. vacation time allowed) day.

So getting up bright and early and hitting the road was discussed—for about a second. The real plan played out with coffee, feet up and watching the water. A stroll on the beach followed by breakfast. Then, finally, at the stroke of, oh about 10:30, we decided it was “bright and early” (vacation time).

Several quaint little towns and communities are located on the way.

Occasionally, the close-in hills to the south opened up and would let us see the peaks and glaciers of the Olympic Mountains standing over seven thousand feet above our sea-level road.

As we neared Neah Bay on the Makah Indian Reservation, we stopped at the Makah Museum. Initially we stopped to get a recreation permit for our car since the cape is on the reservation. But once inside we decided to buy tickets and take a tour of the artifacts on display.

As usual, for us, we found the culture of these native people to be fascinating.

They lived by and off the ocean. They

a good deal of time. But after only an hour we took our permits and headed on, intending to come back some day.

At the parking area for the short hike to the cape we leashed up our dog, Waya, and headed down the path. It is an easy, half-mile walk. Much of the trail is mud and in the worst places there are boardwalks. We managed it in hiking boots; some people brought rubber boots but we did just fine with what we had.

The end of the trail marks the

The Hawk’s Nest

Ernie Hawks is the author of “Every Day is a High Holy Day: Stories of an Adventuring Spirit,” available on Amazon, Kindle or in your favorite bookstore.

May 2017

northwest corner of the continental United States. A wooden deck gives safe views off of the rock cliffs toward Tatoosh Island and lighthouse. The platform sits on a 200-foot cliff.

Below, the waves crash against the tortured sandstone rocks and stacks all around the point, digging out huge, sea-level caves. At times I could feel a slight shudder as a big roller slammed into the back of a cave, causing a tremor through the rocks. Between the giant rocks the water breaks around and over smaller pillars, adding white to the bright blues and greens in surf. Blustery and wet is a common comment about the rain forest and trail, yet it will awe anyone paying attention.

The trail is safe and not particularly challenging. But for those of us who wonder off the groomed trails and find our own, there are sites on the edges atop the craggy faces. These are slippery, dangerous and tempting. The rewards for the view seeker or photographer are nearly unmatched.

Puffins and guillemots, gulls and geese, Peregrine Falcons and Bald Eagles frequent the niches and outcrops on the shear walls while being punished by the winds of the Pacific.

After a couple hours we made the trek back to the car. It is uphill all the way back but only about a half-mile, unless you read the map my wife had: then it is three-quarters of a mile.

Either way we made it, and started back to the cozy cabin by the sea.

We needed to get back for pre-dinner cocktails that begins promptly at—oh, about 5 o’clock sharp-ish (vacation time).

!

May 15-29

Spring is Here and it’s Time to Get Outside! Check out these activities: Upcoming dates to remember:

May 5 - Community Track Meet Ages 9-14, free registration May 19-11: UNPLUG & BE OUTSIDE! A series of FREE community events sponsored by several local organizations and businesses for youth and families from approximately 3 PM - 7 PM 1123 Lake St. in Sandpoint

208-263-3613

www.SandpointIdaho.gov Scholarships available.

Volunteer Coach: volunteers are always needed for Parks and Recreation Youth Leagues. Call our office for information!

The spring booklet will be out May 20. Stop by and pick one up, or read a copy on the website.

May 2017

Page 21

by Scott Clawson Scene one — home

[Setup] — I’m listening to some very old Cat Stevens and minding my own business, fingers interlocked behind my head, when the phone…

‘Ring’ #1…”We aaaall know it’s better…” I utter, “Go away, I’m busy.”

‘Ring’ #2…”Yesssterdayy is past…”

Realizing a full 50 percent of calls lately die out after two rings, I ignore it.

‘Ring’ #3…”Now let’s aaall start livin’ for the one that’s going to last.”

“Crap, let the machine get it,” I intone peacefully.

Here, I have to make a snap decision—pick it up or let the machine

Page 22

actually have it, for if I get involved too late, all anyone hears before they, themselves, hang up is what sounds like doublespeak in two octaves with no clear direction or purpose. So I snap.

“Lo?” I say expertly, as if nonchalance would even require opening at least a small bag of frenzy.

“You need to see this!” a fairly animated voice informs me, like a mental cattle prod set for stun.

“Kinda busy…” I grab and shake an old Nickel’s Worth as proof of purpose.

“Well, she is your tiller.” Zzzt! Goes the prod.

“Be right over.”

Grendel (my tiller), so named for her size, age, engineering and keen ability to confound her chosen enemy — the human race — always worries me whenever, running or not, she gets too near any fence, line, tree root, small car, large rock, service cable or can of gas.

These all have secret homing devices and Grendel knows their codes.

She is particularly worrisome if she isn’t even home when I hear her mentioned out loud.

Scene two—Little Blacktail Mountain Rd.

“Where is she?” I query innocently.

“Three guesses.”

I study the evidence, starting with the obviously frosty beer in my friend’s hand. I mention this as I study a sevenstrand deer fence looking to be in the process of climbing my friend’s nicely proportioned 40-foot spruce and doing a surprisingly good job at that. Almost as if it had been spooked up there by some outsized force of nature.

I giggle/snort thinking of that old mythic book title from my childhood, “Antlers in the Treetops” by Hoo Goose deMoose. “I hope to cripes she’s in the water,” I say dryly, looking for a path of destruction in that direction.

“Why?” “’Be easier to get ‘er out of Cocollala Creek than out of your tree,” I guarantee.

“True, but then I’d still have a fence up a tree I couldn’t explain no matter how hard I tried.”

“Good point!” I ratify, then add, “Speaking of explanations… why’s it still running?”

“It wants to?” was all he could figure. Then he explained, “Well, she did just like you warned me, like a selffulfilling prophecy or something. She wouldn’t start and wouldn’t start and wouldn’t start until I was so tuckered I only had maybe one or two more good curse words left in me and she took that opportunity to come to life in her fullest form! I panicked right there in my overalls thinkin’ she’d blow a rod, so I reached in through the smoke and

May 2017

clatter and instead of disengaging the throttle, I engaged the tines instead! I know! I KNOW! I knew better but this was almost like it was against my will or something. It was like shakin’ hands with the devil himself! Just like you warned me! As you can see, it half-ass tilled the garden just chasing me around trying to get even for all the libels I’d been throwing at it. She almost had me when she tined a root instead of my foot, took a spin and jumped into the fence just before it disappeared up the tree! It was all I could do to stay away from zinging wires and poppin’ posts!

She ate one of my mud boots! Sure glad my wife and kids didn’t see this humiliation!

“I know how it feels, this is not a first involving both a tree and a fence.

The two of us once went a round with a wheelbarrow, a fence, two rakes and a soaker hose! Gardening can get pretty involved at times. Meditation helps. How partial are you to this tree anyway?”

“Afternoon shade for the garden…” (like it was his idea or something).

I roll my eyes, “…Which can be a bad thing,” I finish for him, “‘specially to hot buttered corn on the cob.” He couldn’t argue with what sounded like it came out of his own mouth, so I add, “Not to mention all the damn cones and sprouts you’ll be pickin’ for the rest of time.”

Then, while he rubbed his lower back, I couldn’t help but also notice, “Seeing as how the fence is down, er, well, up and the posts are so evenly displaced, ‘be a good time for dropping that tree. Two birds, one chainsaw,” I finish illustrating.

I reason to perfection with a light, “And no explanations.”

Scene three — same place, different beer

“Seems fairly predetermined to go in one direction!” my friend yells over the roar of an unmuffled Husky 61 rattling the chain on a 48” bar.

While my hands did their best to protect my ears, my lips, eyebrows and elbows waggled their best to pantomime, “I do detect some tension involved, you might want to exercise caution.” By this time, you could’ve cut the tension with a fork.

He thought my lips and hands were saying something entirely different, like maybe, “I neglected to mention my valve’s too tight, and I want to exercise more often.” Which makes no sense whatsoever.

With a puzzled look on both our faces, we hear the bottom band of wire do a fairly decent A minor and recoil in perfect reverberation back to the nearest

posts dangling mid-air. Slackjawed, we looked each other in the eyes and saw in them our own thoughts of selfpreservation. Then a perfect F major signaled our hasty full-scale retreat, each footfall sharing time with another twangy note. From over our shoulders, we saw all the tension focus itself along the outside bend of that spruce and when the last wire snapped, it was like a yew longbow summoned to duty, releasing its still running load, cartwheeling like some demented Olympic hammer in the opposite direction; one revolution…, two…, two and a ha—sploosh.

“Sha’zaam! You got your wish!” I hear in the sudden, dust-settling calm, tension seemingly a thing of the past.

“Now, it is in the water.”

Acres n Pains

Scott Clawson ruminates on life somewhere in the backwoods of Careywood, and turns it all into humor. And he’s even on Pinterest now! (Facebook, too.)

AcresnPains@dishmail.net

May 2017

Page 23

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