TSLR034 / November 2011 / £1
THE SEAGULL LOVE REVIEW Next stop... FALMER
CLUB CONTINUES TO DENY AMEX TRANSPORT ISSUES INSIDE THE FANZINE THIS MONTH ... Suggestions for alternative pie fillings.
All the usual Reviews and Previews.
You’re too ugly to be what, pardon?
A collection of badly edited Albion related-ish drivel that will roll up and fit in your back pocket.
Gus and why he’s just not ‘flair’ enough.
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EBAY GOLD Why the club have resisted a retrospective reference to the old ‘teal’ and black away kit from the mid-90s we’ll never know. Universally lauded, the kit was probably only worn by the first team about 3 times yet it remains a fond favourite and is still spotted, albeit with a faded grey collar, at The Amex today. The actual shirts are rare as rocking horse shit but imagine our excitement to find this gold edged keyring on eBay for £6.99. Well, the excitement was minimal, but what a great shirt. TSLR
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TSLR034 The Seagull Love Review is an independent Brighton and Hove Albion Magazine. Issue 34, November 2011. The views expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views of the Editors, or The Seagull Love Review. We do hate Palace though, officially.
EDITORS NOTES Sometimes you need a little reminder to realise how nice our stadium is. Putting this mag together we noticed that in the previews section we’re playing Saints, Cov, Derby and Boro in the next few weeks, and thinking about it, they all have those boring prefab stadiums. Their pies are probably rubbish an’ all. Thanks for buying TSLR this month; the mag is bursting at the sides with writing and we hope there’s something for everybody.
Thanks this issue to RM, BM, GC, KK, AW, LW, BW, GE, LE, TS, NB, SK, TC Edited by SS and SS Artwork by SS, ML, SK Printed by MCR Print of Hove www.mcrprint.co.uk TSLR is printed using eco-friendly paper and ink apparently.
The Seagull Love Review Apt 19 City Heights, MCR, M1 7AX tslr@hotmail.co.uk www.theseagulllovereview.com http://twitter.com/tslr Signed off 1036 16/11/2011
The first few pages are about the whole homophobia thing. Some of you may not like to read that sort of stuff, and we don’t want to be preachy, but one of our contributors put together a report which we thought was the most succinct commentary on the whole unpleasent business so we’re pleased to print it here. Elsewhere, some not-so-succinct reviews of the previous month’s micro-point salvaging Albion rollercoaster, the usual writers, some new writers, some nice pictures and a dare-we-say-it Gus critique in the Flairwatch update. Thanks again, and up the Albion! S+S
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HOMOPHOBIA
T H AT JOKE ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE
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The chants usually start within the first few minutes. In fact, if you are a Brighton fan regularly watching games, you can near enough set your watch by them.
Ranging from predictably ignorant “Does your boyfriend know you’re here,” through the ‘classic’ “We can see you holding hands,” all the way to the more offensive “Stand up ‘cos you can’t sit down,” or “We can see you sucking cock,” Albion fans have heard them all. And, more often than not, we have heard them all squashed into the 90 minutes it takes to complete a game of football. The same chorus lines are repeated across the length and breadth of the football league. Rest assured, if Albion are there, so are the homophobic taunts. Seagulls fans have developed their own unique way of brushing off the insults. Nowadays the chants of “You’re too ugly to be gay,” or “We’re gay, and we’re beating you,” are the common response to the near Neanderthalic sing-song from rival fans. Mostly, the limp-wristed waving and general homophobia directed at Brighton fans are met with little more than a witty retort and a disapproving shake of the head. But this week there seems to have been a seachange in the way some Seagulls are tackling the abuse. A host of Brighton fans decided to report fans of West Ham United direct to the FA after the usual array of songs were sent flying at the Albion faithful during the two teams’ recent televised face-off. And one prominent Albionite believes it is high time the authorities starting doing more to stamp out what many consider the last bastion of widespread bigotism still tolerated on the terraces.
John Hewitt, chairman of the Albion supports club told the BBC, “We get it everywhere we go.
Judas c*** with HIV,” during a match with Portsmouth back in 2008.
“The ground regulations say you cannot use homophobic behaviour. There’s a certain amount of banter between fans, but when it crosses that line and becomes offensive it’s not acceptable.
Campbell left White Hart Lane under a cloud – joining the club’s bitter rivals Arsenal in a move which led to rumours about his private life and sexuality, starting by angry Spurs fans.
“The FA is not doing enough.”
And for anyone who thinks that in the modern game this sort of stick is water off a duck’s back, this is what Campbell had to say during the subsequent trial.
As someone who has travelled home and away with the Albion, I couldn’t agree more. The level of abuse can flit from the almost laughable attempts to get a rise (“Does your daddy know you’re queer?”) to the far more sinister. I can remember one game at Millwall when, travelling on the train out of South Bermondsey, a group of young Brighton fans were politely informed that a nearby group of South Londoners hoped “they all died of Aids”.
“I felt totally victimised and helpless by the abuse I received on this day. It has had an effect on me personally and I do not want it to continue.”
M o r e t h a n 2 5 % s ay t h e y f e lt f o o t b a l l w a s a n t i - g a y, w i t h o n ly o n e - i n - t h r e e thinking things had improved in the last 20 years.
Sadly though, however regular the abuse, I have seen more people thrown out of football grounds under suspicion of being a paedophile (a man taking photos of the stadium at Wolves, completely innocently) than I have for homophobia. And it isn’t just limited to Brighton. Probably the highest profile case of the law actually being used against football fans was the arrest of a number of Tottenham Hotspurs fans who targeted former player Sol Campbell with the disgusting song, “Sol, Sol, wherever you may be; You’re on the verge of lunacy; We don’t care if you’re hanging from a tree; Cos you’re
And he is by no means the only footballer dogged by accusations (as if, in 2011, being gay is something someone should feel bad about anyway) of homosexuality.
Former Chelsea and England left-back Graham Le Saux was on the receiving end more than most. If anyone doubts the effect such consistent abuse can have on an individual, Le Saux’s comments should have particular resonance. “The homophobic taunting and bullying left me close to walking away from football,” he said. “I went through times that were like depression. I did not know where I was going. I would get up in the morning and I would feel good but by time I got into training I would be so nervous I felt sick. I dreaded going in. I was a bullied kid on his way to school to face his tormentors.” TSLR034
HOMOPHOBIA The issue has once again been in the news this week – prompting heated discussions on football websites about the offensive nature of the oft-heard chanting. Surprisingly though, a number of Brighton fans commenting on the decision by their fellow Seagulls to report every incident of homophobia have dismissed the more tame offerings as ‘banter’ and something people should, essentially, not get their knickers in a twist over. One leading Albion website even urged people to think carefully before reporting homophobia directly to the FA because it would lead to club officials having to invest more hours of manpower into its investigations. True, the same site did suggest it would be more useful to report incidents to the club itself, but many believe it is time to take a stance against this sort of behaviour and that only by letting the FA know the true scale of the problem, will the governing body act appropriately.
ing things had improved in the last 20 years. Two-thirds of fans felt that football would be a better sport if anti-gay abuse and discrimination was eradicated but just one-in-six said they felt their club was going enough to get rid of the problem. And those behind the study said football clubs would benefit from less homophobia with increased attendances – saying fans would be more likely to attend matches and snap up merchandise if homophobic abuse was less common. Two-in-five lesbian, gay and bisexual fans said they would be more likely to buy match tickets if football was more gayfriendly. But, if football is to shed its homophobic element (and it seems it is needs to, 70 per cent of fans have heard anti-gay chanting in the last five seasons) then how best to do it?
A survey by anti-homophobia campaigners quizzed more than 2,000 football fans across Britain.
Obviously fans can do their part by not joining in, not tolerating those who do, and by reporting incidents to the nearest steward or club official, but the argument goes – certainly in Brighton – that short of ejecting an entire away end the clubs’ hands are very much tied.
More than one-in-four said they felt football was anti-gay - with only one-in-three think
Perhaps then the changes need to come from within. Brian Clough – the much-loved for-
“ T w o - i n - f i v e l e s b i a n , g ay a n d b i s e x u a l f a n s s a i d t h e y w o u l d b e m o r e l i k e ly t o b u y m a t c h t i c k e t s i f f o o t b a l l w a s m o r e g a y - f r i e n d ly. ”
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mer Nottingham Forest (and Brighton) boss – is cheered for his approach to football. Indeed, the legend surrounding Ol’ Big Ead continues to this day, fuelled by a host of endearing stories. One perhaps not so positive is the conversation he had with Britain’s only high profile gay football to date, Justin Fashanu. The story goes that Clough cornered the centre-forward and asked him, “Where do you go if you want a loaf of bread? – a baker’s. If you want a leg of lamb? – a butcher’s. So why you keep going to that bloody poofs’ club?” Attitudes have no doubt moved on since then, and thankfully so. But they still exist in some dressing rooms. Former Brazil and Chelsea boss Luiz Felipe Scolari was quoted in 2002 as saying, “If I found out that one of my players was gay I would throw him off the team,” and the fact remains that not a single professional football in England is openly out - despite statistics estimating there should be dozens. The Stonewall research said there was still a culture of fear among footballers, with those who are gay reluctant to admit their sexuality to anyone but their closest friends.
And the charity complained that although homophobic chanting has been outlawed by the FA since 2007, little was being done to actually stop those who persist. Raj Chandarana, from the Football Supporters’ Federation, said it was up to the entire football community to tackle the problem. He said this week, “It’s about education - making people aware that homophobic chants are unacceptable. “It can’t always be the FA that needs to have these sanctions. We all need to have the responsibility.” Heading back to the Brighton messageboards for an update on the debate and many of the comments make for depressing reading – it is difficult to imagine anyone dismissing racist chanting so readily as just ‘banter’ and ‘a bit of fun’. Perhaps the most depressing strand of this entire issue is that it seems many of the supporters so regularly made the target of homophobic abuse seem to be of the same mindset as those dishing it out. TSLR Article couresty of RM @SwSpTacchinardi
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CONTENTS 2 ebay gold / 4 homophobia / 9 what’s hot, what’s not / 10 news in brief / 12 reviews / 18 previews / 20 new pies / 22 marco van bastard / 23 bitter & twisted / 24 PGBGG / 25 flairwatch / 26 midfield diamond / 27 amex security / 28 the hovian / 30 prog rocks / 31 carter /
Your weekend footy fix starts here... For all your Albion news, opinion, interviews, malicious tittle-tattle and some downright fibbing, tune into
THE ALBION ROAR Every Saturday from 12pm til 1pm on Radio Reverb 97.2FM (if you’re in Brighton/Hove)
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Listen again at www.albionroar.co.uk or on iTunes The Albion Roar is a guaranteed Phil Collins-free zone AND we have far better studio guests than every other show. FACT.
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WHAT’S HOT WHAT’S NOT
Mendoza’s.. Original.
HOT
NOT
Mauricio Taricco
Pre Match Warm Up’s
Tano came out of retirement for about the 17th time in his career at the age of 38. He was so good that Gus Poyet even ran on the pitch to high five him during the game. In fact Tano was so good he solved the Greece crisis during half time. Tano was so good he killed two stones with one bird. Tano was so good he created a giraffe by upper cutting a horse. Tony Bloom
The mini man from the boardroom made a massive statement when he was posed with the toughest question of all during his Albion reign. If I couldn’t love him enough, his answer made him go up even more in my estimation. The question asked was “what is your favourite biscuit?” King T:Bloom’s answer was “Something chocolaty, like the chocolate digestive.” He, like myself knows how the game works. The Chocolate Digestive is indeed the daddy of the biscuit kingdom, NO arguments! Twitter
Twitter is the best source for breaking news when it comes to all things Albion. First was the signing of Steve Harper. Then we learned that Will Hoskins was unfit for the trip to Birmingham. We also found out that Craig Noone eats at Nandos a lot, and of course there was the mega scoop that Matt Sparrow killed Tommy Elphick’s goldfish. Gullys Girls
I just thought I might mention that I had a shower with 12 of them. Twelve! (all will be revealed in TSLR035) Mario Balotelli
He is the first ever non Brighton related entry. Why? Because he is fucking brilliant. There is nothing this man can’t or won’t do. Every story that comes out about him, you think can’t be true, but it always is. The list goes from fireworks in the bath, to having thousands of pounds of cash in his car, to wearing his Man City shirt (complete with name and number) whilst watching Wrestling in The Liverpool Echo Arena. Super Mario is a flairniac dream boat.
“Oh, that guy who is like Gullys Girls pimp? Yeah, I know him”
These have become more deadly than the catering at Withdean. Claiming two victims in two games. First Buckley, then Jara Reyes. What’s wrong with the trusted Cigarette, Deep Heat and Blue Powerade based warm up? That never injured anyone! Brighton’s Defence
If Liam Fox and Conrad Murray thought their defence was bad, they haven’t seen anything like what The Albion were dishing up. We have thrown away more leads than The Portuguese police looking for missing English toddlers. 11 games this season we have lead. Winning less than half, drawing 3 and even managing to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory twice! Lap Dances
You pay £25 for 5 minutes of fun watching some good moves that make you smile. But you are left frustrated at the lack of penetration or action in the box. Much like Brighton’s performance against West Ham. And don’t get me started on Watford! - That was more like buying drinks for the flirty girl at the pub all night, only to later find out she’s got a boyfriend. Waste of time and money! Albion Kit Man/ Gullys Girls/Brighton Players
When faced with the same posing question as was put to Tony Bloom, “what is your favourite biscuit?” They came up with some disgraceful answers. The Albion kit men went for the Jammy Dodger. Gullys Girls opted for the Pink Wafer, but even worse still MacKailSmith, Noone, Hoskins and Elphick all point blank refused to answer the question! International Break
We’ve just played Barnsley, won and are heading into an international break. The last time we won a game going into the international break (Bristol City), we went on a 10 game run without winning a single match. That was also the last time we won a match. Just saying like... TSLR TSLR034
It was first round proper of the FA Cup the other day and TSLR, like some nouveau riche Tongdean twonk, thought back to when we trotting off to mingle with the proles. Various ‘plucky’ part-timers from obscure old mining towns were getting lots of airtime as they looked for that money-spinning giant killing. The giants in question this time round were the likes of Crawley Town so do we miss it? Not much.
Piglets Pantry, the family firm behind the excellent pies at The Amex, have to be in for some sort of Sussex Bysiness Award this year. With 10,000+ pastry treats nommed down at each match, and a rumoured 9k Balti-pies produced for their debut at Barnsley. The England bandwagon rode into town earlier in the month allowing a selection of season ticket holders a chance to wear their closet premiership shirts to The Amex without fear of retribution. With the club selling tickets for about a ha’penny each, the game was soon sold out; 22 and a half thousand crammed into our little Wemblette to see the young lions. But then it rained a bit and like the TSLR co-editors birthday parties, a few ducked out. When we say quite a few, we mean 2,500.
encourage the club to project a giant Good Old Sussex By the Sea karaoke type thing pre-match at The Amex next time round. A good idea we think, just sing the word that the little red ball bounces on, yeah? Sign up here www.bit.ly/sussexbythesea Did anyone else know that Brightonian cartoon badboys Modern Toss had done one of the mural thingys at The Amex? Sadly, and unlike the MT guys, it’s quite clean and not just a bloke telling a Palace fan to *** off.
NEWS IN BRIEFS november 2011
NorthStandChat troublers and composers of occasionally catchy chants North Stand Kollektiv have been working very hard in producing some impressive flags to decorate their corner of the ground. Upon seeing their latest masterpiece, a giant Dick Knight tribute, the Orwellian Amex control panel soon got stewards to pull it down. But in a refreshing turn of events, all is good, as Mr. Hebbard has given the green light for our former Chairman’s face to happily flap above the North Stand forever more. Well done club and NSK
A brighter consequence of the England game was the fan photos currently on the official website. You could say the crowd were slightly less sophisticated than the usual Albion lot and judging by the numbers of fingers/teeth on some of the subjects we can only presume there were quite a few coaches down from Crawley for the match.
Not quite sure who to book as entertainment for your kids birthday party? Well forget the clown or magician ideas and book a Gus-a-like instead. Albion community coach Joao Arranhado (or is it?) has launched his new website – www.guspoyetlookalike.com – to ensure that your party gets the neighbours talking. We’re not sure how his ‘Ees Complicated’ and ‘Tha’s foo-bull’ lines are but we’re sure he’s working on it.
You might’ve seen on our blog, but a group of Albion fans have set up an e-petition to
Lewis Dunk warmed the bench for England’s recent Under-21s dual with Belgium
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this month. Though England lost 2-1 to the lowlanders, it’s good to see Dunky join previous Albion luminaries Adam Hinshelwood and ermm, Dan Harding in linking up with the liitle Englanders. In other international news, CMS got about 20 minutes against Cyprus the other night in a game marked by a wonder strike from jocko strike rival Kenny Miller, check it out. The Irish all but secured their place at Euro2012 (probably official by the time you read this) which opens up some squad-place possibilities for former U21 players Gary Dicker and Marcos Painter. Trap hasn’t noticed them yet, but a good season for either of them could see them bought in for cover. Good luck lads. 4 of the 15 arrested at the P*lacae game have been charged with assualt etc. while the others remain on bail. One of the larger independent Albion websites, and certainly one of the best, wearebrighton.com, sent a little word out on their vast twitter following inviting business and the like to buy a bit of advertising space with the idea that profits will help the guys develop their site and their excellent Albion Moan-In podcast. We’re very lucky at Albion to have a such a rich independent fan voice over many mediums, so hope some of you entrepreneurial fans will take advantage of this opportunity.
Augustin Battipiedi has extended his year-out once again by joining Nicky Forsters Dover Athletic after what we can only presume was an unsuccesful spell at Eastbourne Borough. Batti apparently failed to show up for training with the Eastbourne Herald throwing diown some LOLS with the headline ‘Don’t Cry For Me, Eastbourne Borough’. Come on Naylor, up your game! It’s not often that an exsiting flair signing becomes more flair after joining us but that’s exactly what’s happened with Jara Reyes, our Chilean international (or should that be ‘ex’) full back on loan from West Brom. No sooner had the South American settled into his Juries Inn room behind the station he was off making headlines in the global football press. Jara, with 4 other international team-mates at home prior to their World Cup Qualifier against Uraguay, turned up late for training and apparently smelling of booze. The Chile boss sent the 5 home and Chile slumped to 4-0 defeat, Luis Suarez getting all four for the home side. Amazingly, Jara and friends held a press conference proclaiming their innocence, but if anybody spots him knocking on the door of Wetherspoons at 11am, do let the club know. Finally, Sussex publishing powerhouse The Chichester Observer are reporting that Bobby Zamora, who recently started his first international for England, is willing to rejoin Albion in January. Yep. TSLR TSLR034
REVIEWS HULL / H / Something happened in the last game at Falmer. Something bad. And so I ventured towards our somewhat less shiny new home in a sombre mood, which was added to by an ever extending winless streak and the fact our vistors were established Championship outfit Hull. The 5.30pm kick off was quite welcome as it allowed time to indulge in what will surely be the last chance this year for rugby pitch sunshine and beer, and a cheeky wink at a pretty student or two (or none in this particular case!). Albion started brightly with our favourite Harlem Globetrotter Lewis Dunk spurning a free header from El Puñal’s dangerous corner. Fresh from his goal-scoring, penalty winning exploits for the Tartan Army CMS looked lively and forced a save from Basso a few minutes later. It was end to end – Hull having several good opportunities with the best chance falling to Fryatt who was denied by a combination of Casper and Dunk.
In the second half Hull upped their game a should have taken the lead when a slip by Greer allowed McClean a clear sight of goal but his effort was blocked by Casper’s bones. McClean came even closer a few minutes later as his shot crashed back off the crossbar, before Casper excelled himself yet again by tipping the follow up round the post. Ashley Barnes is one of many who have been struggling for form, and his shanked effort from a good position was followed by not quite being able to get on the end of CMS’s excellent control and lofted cross as Hull managed to clear. From the corner of the penalty area and with nothing else on CMS lashed a lethal volley which was unconvincingly turned over. Hull looked more and more dangerous as the game went on but an absolutely golden chance was carved out by Vicente who whipped the ball in from the right – the ball was superbly met by CMS and we were already celebrating until we saw the flying Basso somehow TSLR034
not only save but catch the thing, all while smiling at the WSL photographer – Kuipers would have been proud! Albion’s crossbar sealed the man of the match award with a magnificent and brave block from Koren’s 35 yard rocket. A further half chance fell to McClean, who’s effort deflected wide, before the final whistle blew and we were very happy to accept a point and quite an entertaining 0-0 draw. The late kick off also provided great scope for concourse drinking before heading straight into town, which proved too much for one TSLRite who didn’t even get into Brighton and spent the next 3 days nursing a sore head! Yours truly had a wonderful night with the highlight being an encounter with Calde in the Fishbowl who, although friendly enough, wouldn’t explain his mysterious absence from the P***** game. I offered to buy him a pint of sherry but he politely declined. Damn that man sexy! TSLR MILLWALL / A / In an increasingly homogeneous Football League, where most clubs have the same songs, stadiums and fans, Millwall are an exception, they have an identity. For good or bad they stand out, and for this reason I like Millwall away.
Many Millwall fans have argued that they are unfairly portrayed in the media, that they use Millwall as a synonym for hooliganism and sensationalise anything to do with them to suit their agenda. Whilst I believe there is a lot of truth in this, Millwall fans seem aware of their reputation and enjoy living up to it. The droning, animalistic roar, the way a section of the home support seems to constantly stare at the away end and the way the fans in the blocks near the away end rush en masse, as close they can get, to the opposing fans after a goal are all part of the fun of the New Den.
OCT / NOV Unfortunately for reasons stated earlier a lot of other people like Millwall away. The fixture attracts a subsection of fans whose idea of fun is to bait disinterested Millwall fans from behind the safety of a fenced-off walk way, oblivious to the fact that the two sets of supporters would soon merge into one. This caused at least one Brighton fan to come unstuck on the train back to London Bridge after winding up a Millwall fan a little too much. The game itself was a pretty even affair. Fans-favourite Ryan Harley had a penalty saved after he cleverly tried to dink his penalty straight down the middle. In the second half Craig Noone put us into the lead, finishing well from a Craig Mackail-Smith cross, before Millwall equalised with a great strike from 30 yards out. Whilst the shot that beat Ankergen was a good one, he arguably should have done better. Conceding the goal caused him to completely lose confidence as up until that point he’d looked very assured and had made an exceptional save in the first half, but afterwards he failed to collect a couple of straightforward crosses and his kicking was inaccurate. Steve Harper was brought in to replace him after this match, which does make me sympathetic towards Casper who I thought was a relatively good keeper and his comfort with the ball at his feet is missed. TSLR WEST HAM / H / This Monday night encounter with the Hammers ended in defeat but it was marginally magnanimous despite Albion not creating all that many clear cut chances. It started with the usual post work mad dash to Falmer and it was the first game at the new stadium where proper winter coldness was almost in the air.
It all started reasonably enough but West Ham’s Kevin Nolan latched on to a sloppy
pass from the otherwise dependable Liam Bridcutt on 17 minutes and he beat our new on loan goalkeeping signing in Steve Harper with a shot from distance. Nolan also became the first opposition goalscorers at Falmer to really rub Albion supporting faces in it a la Mr McGleish. Nolan scored in front of the north and produced a performance deserving of an inevitable yellow card that never came. His chciken dance was simply an added insult. There was frustration in the stands as the partisan Albionites were continuingly convinced that yet another referee did his best to punish Albion and allow the visitors to use the watery surface for debatably legal challenges. Unbeliveably, we ended with more cards than the visitors could dream of. And here were we thinking that a big stadium gives you more decisions. And there was further Albionite resentment for Allardyce and his claret and blue cronies who, once ahead, simply stacked their entire team in between us and their goal. Nooney was satisfactorily roughed up early on and Albion laboured in the creative department yet again. There was further insult in a match that led to the hoarsest of voices yet heard at our spanking new incredible stadium. Gary Dicker went down heavily late on and was stretchered off we even saw him in the back of an ambulance outside the north and it was soon realised that he broke an ankle. So it was another match without a win and more evidence of our increasing ineptitude going forward. And the worst thing, that West Ham fan at work insisted I honour my bet and wear his evil claret and blue scarf in the office the whole of the next day. The memory of Nolan’s celebration still too raw to make my act any way acceptable. TSLR TSLR034
REVIEWS BIRMINGHAM / A / Yeah, so we forgot about this match until we put the mag together and as such, well, no review. It was a dull one anyway so no great loss eh? TSLR WATFORD / A / After getting close to returning to our tippy tappy best at Birmingham we were looking forward to how smug we would feel after picking up 6 points from the next two games. And with our new Sandaza-like hero Paynter spearheading the attack the only question was how many Watford would be put to the sword by. Well despite improving performances a lack of goals, and more worryingly chances, was something that had to be put right if we were to win again. On this evening it was not put right - Albion were woeful, the sort of game that makes you wonder you bother. The tone was set right from the start as inside a minute Watford had mustered a voice from their barely audible home support with several near misses in the same passage of play.
The now mandatory chant away from home of “<insert current location>’s a shithole, I
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wanna go home” was greeted with disdain by quite a few. Some of those disapproving tried to better this effort by taking advantage of the fact that Watford isn’t particularly near anywhere that they wouldn’t like to be compared with by singing a chorus of “Small town… you’re just a small town…Small toooowwwwwwnnnnnnn!”. Albion’s performance was summed up by a great moment in the first half where Painter was after a slightly askew pass to him but was going to comfortably keep it in play, until he took so long deciding what to do with the thing he let it run out for a Watford throw! Craig Noone was the only player looking remotely dangerous for Albion but after shooting high and wide on two occasions, and slipping over when well placed, he did his best to surpass Painter as he received a short corner and tripped over the ball when running at his man! Ryan Harley was at his prancing showpony best – his reputation for being a dead ball specialist caused murmurs of excitement to ripple through the away end (well those
OCT / NOV that weren’t at Millwall anyway) as Albion got a free kick in a dangerous situation. As a reflex action a number of people were heard shouting “fucking hell Coxy” as the ball was easily cleared by the first man.
BARNSLEY / H / Our reporter for this game has sent in a report which we can only presume is written in the style of contemporary poetry .... here we go.
With 10 minutes to go yet another long ball was pumped up to Iwelumo. Despite the 2 Albion players around him he managed to knock the ball down to Deeney who completely scuffed an easy chance, but Harper’s failure to hold onto the ball presented an even easier chance as Greer could not react quick enough and smashed the ball in off the Watford man. Kaz got on for a bit eventually, but couldn’t do anything other than guide a ball across the box for Barnes to slice well wide. I don’t think Albion got into Watford’s box after the goal and that was that, a few boos ringing out upon the final whistle.
Gus stuck to his passing philosophy
The journey home was over-crowded and depressing. I was considering quoting, word for word, a phone conversation overheard on the journey home for this match report: “Hi… Yeah it was rubbish...We didn’t have a shot on goal...See you later!”. Roll on Barnsley. Eek! TSLR
I know there is an argument for leaving 5 minutes early to save an hour waiting for trains… but we hadn’t won in 9 league games, so it would have been nice for everyone to stay and clap off the team to show our support.
Looking for a reaction after the Watford game. Addition of the Chicken Balti Pie! Tanno – the man who refuses to retire. Completed his first 90 minutes in 7 years. Greer’s
first
goal
for
the
albion.
First goal in over 5 hours of football. Harley salvaged an average performance with albions winner in the second half. Is that your fire drill rush for the train?
This fanzine has gone downhill. TSLR
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It’s competition time at TSLR. Just tell us who the Goldstone Bear is to win a print of Stewrt Weir’s seminal The Last Goal photograph signed by Steve Gritt and Stuart Storer. Email your answer to tslr@hotmail. co.uk and we’ll announce the winner before the Burnley game. More details on the website! Picture by Stewart Weir 1996 TSLR034
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PREVIEWS SOUTHMAPTON / A / We travel down the coast to renew old rivalries with last season’s pantomime villain Nigel Adkins in a game where we’ll enjoy ourselves by singing about last season. The Saints have started this season scarily well and it will probably be tougher than our last two visits when we stormed to victory two seasons ago (we’ve even got the DVD) and when a missed Chris Wood penalty last season arguably cost us a win - though thry missed a host of chsnces to win it themselves. They did of course smash us apart at Withers at the end of last season but we’d already won the title, right? In all time history, the Saints have beaten us on 21 occasions and we’ve only beaten them seven times dating back to 1921. The worst of those losses at the Dell came in 1957 and then again in 1961 when they tonked us 5-0 and 6-1. Our best result? Easy, 3-1, 2009, Sir Gus Poyet’s arrival. If all else fails this year, we’ll all just dust off that DVD. COVENTRY / H / We will be playing the Sky Blues at Falmer on a Saturday. Hooray.We will be
Is this St. Marys or the Riverside? Seriously.
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playing Coventry on a Saturday at 3pm. Hooray. For the first time since Peterborough in what feels like a lifetime ago on the 27th September have we have the honour of a normal kick off. They have only ever beaten us once in the League at home and that came way back in the depths of 1928. Cov last hosted Albion in February 2006 when they beat us 2-0 at the Ricoh - or new Highfield Road as we prefer to call it. We last beat them in 1983 at the Goldstone. These days Coventry are owned by a Hedge Fund who rejected a takeover in August and have finished in the bottom half of this division in each of the past three seasons. City are poles apart from Southampton - lying towards the foot of the table, which bodes well. DERBY COUNTY / A / This fixture ‘computer’ may have given us the dreamy Donny at home for the first game of the season but ‘its’ decision to pit Albion against Derby home and away on Tuesday nights seem a little excessive. We find ourselves travelling there this time as we enter the time of the season where a few strategically
NOV / DEC placed holiday days from the day job are needed to watch the Albion, as are a few extra bobble hats. We last visited in August 2005 where we picked a point in a 1-1 draw. Our best win at the Baseball Ground was in March 1984 when we dealt them a 3-0 blow. At the time of writing the Rams are just a solitary point away from us and it could be a good opportunity to win against a team in the top half of the table, which is what we have to start doing should we want to finish above P****e. FOREST / H / From one Brian Clough managed team to another (managed by Nige) as we host another side from the east Midlands. Forest travel down having won at the Withers in our last meeting in December 2007. Before that, Forest haven’t won in Brighton since 1982 when they were basically European Cup champions. All Albion v Forest matches at the Goldstone and Withers have almost always been settled by just one goal - apart from that fateful 2-0 defeat in 2007. Forest are struggling towards the
bottom of the table but with Shteve Mclaren sacked and results improving under Steve Cotteril - although they did manage to lose to the new manager’s former club Portsmouth in early November - it should be a challenge. Joel Lynch started that match and could play against us in a stadium he must have spent many years of his career dreaming of. BORO / A / The away roads are stretching further as we approach the midway point of the season. This is probably the longest journey of the season in the depths of north east England. Middlesbrough always win this fixture - although we did actually beat them once in August 1985. 27 years earlier - in August 1958 - our darkest day came with a 9-0 hammering by ‘Boro at the old Riverside. We’ve only visited the new Ayrsome Park the once and that was the League Cup defeat (after extra time) up there in 2003. They’re riding high in the table at the moment and must be one of the fancied sides for the title this year so will be a stern test. Heck, if we beat Southampton they could top the table by the time we travel to take on Tony Morbray’s men.. TSLR
Our eyes are bleeding. Make it stop.
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NEW PIE IDEAS EAST STAND PIE Like the neighbour who doesn’t say hello, the East Stand has a unique character that should be reflected in their own Piglet Pie. The East Stand pie comes with it’s own bobble hat and can be purchased in liquid form and transported to the match in a flask. No reason to worry about spilling precious morsals of the crust either as customers rarely stand when we score anyway.
NSC PIE With at least 3 million users it seems silly that our Shoreham piemongers haven’t developed a tasty snack for NSC’s finest. Each month the pie will be filled with a different controversial subject for you to sink your teeth into. This month for instance some of the pies had poppies in the filling while others didn’t, the idea being that a healthy discourse will emerge in the concourses of The Amex. Future NSC pies include critical evaluations of the Green Party’s time in office, random offensive terms for homosexuals, a selection of North Stand Kollekiv ditties and at Christmas a teenage Palace fan calling you a ‘shit-stabber’.
RICHIE REYNOLDS PIE A Master of Ceremonies needs a Master of , ermm, pies. Though we think it impossible to fit a highlighted 90s-esque fringe into a pie, we have been able to fill the pastry-wrapped treats with all the enthusiasm and passion of the former Southern FM presenter. Expect patronising, Rugby League standard crowd-baiting drivel with each mouthful. TSLR034
Don’t try and make these pies at home, yeah?
ULTRAS PIE
WARREN ASPINALL PIE
North Stand Kollektiv, the misspelling songmonkeys with a mission, have a song for Piglets Pantry which they’re trying to get people singing. We can’t remember the exact words but we believe it’s sung to the tune of Queen’s seminal hit ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ but with ‘crust’ instead of ‘dust’. So far it’s not really got the North Stand rocking but who knows. A NSK pie contains a small flag (bay leaf), a carrot in the shape of a flare, and the wrath of a man in a Stone Island jacket.
We understand that our erstwhile bakers have had a few requests for a pie to honour the great scout/ BBC Sussex co-commenator. One bite of this pie and it’s magical filling will have you gibbering like the tubby former-striker quicker than you can say Casper Anchorman. WARNING: May cause mistimed un-PC comments on foreign players.
CHARLIE OATWAY PIE Charlie is the heart and soul of the Albion, and as such he’s the heart and soul of our new pie ideas. Of course, by referring to ‘heart and soul’ we mean assorted offal, which makes up the filling of this traditional pie. Tough tackling with a strong London accent, this pie will be for those who’ve rejected the other nancy fillings. Oh, and of course, this pies done a bit of thyme. LOL. TSLR TSLR034
MARCO VAN BASTARD With your team, as in life, you know you can love someone once you have come to terms with their flaws. That’s not news to experienced Albion fans, who are undoubtedly experts in trying to love rubbish players, but the difference is that where we have simply had to accept supporting repeatedly dreadful performances in the past, now we are being asked to see those we once thought heroes in a new, unkind light.
I think we can love them for their fragility. Calde may be a marvellously-maned buccaneer, but that makes him a comedy anomaly in himself – those aren’t descriptions we associate nor necessarily want from a full-back, and now we need stability he looks shipwrecked. Gordon Greer has a chicken body and looks too small to impose. Lewis Dunk is so freshfaced he probably still finds Churchill Square and the pier exciting, you feel like he could be your brother or son. Ankergren is a Bond villain and again too small. Painter is too small and gets bamboozled by top-class wingers as easily as a chess grandmaster might bemuse a promising prodigy. Bridcutt and Dicker – particularly Dicker, whose proffered aspiration to emulate Roy Keane is the ridiculous yearning for the sublime – cannot play every pass perfectly, and their wayward ones are now cruelly punished. Noone and LuaLua are, I think most of us agree, being poorly used by Gus at the moment, resulting in the upsetting sight of
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Painter at left-wing during the Hull game, a job he attempted as gamely as you’d expect, but which seemed sadly pointless given the exciting wingers we have. Even Ryan Harley, who to some people is easier to loathe given that he never gave us so much to like before he went rotten, gave us that wonderful free-kick on his debut, a glimpse of brilliance to make his subsequent dormancy so frustrating. Above all, it’s obviously Gus who we need to reaffirm the most. He has the crucial ability to right the wrongs, as proven so frequently in the second half of games. Hopefully many other writers and fans will be using the word trust this month, and the bit of him we can trust is his insight and vigilance. I believe he’ll see what we see and a lot more. The only worry is that the way he has expressed his irritations so publicly could naff off the players. Accusing them of lacking the guts to continue passing the ball seems unfair when this very obsession has led to us losing possession so deep and conceding goals as a result. Equally, to insinuate they are not good enough seems reactionary when the supply lines which turn them into winners – a pair of creative wingers running at defenders or crossing – are not on the pitch. If we’re going to invest, I believe it should be in those who will actually help us less when we’re winning: leaders. In the stands and on the pitch, maybe character and belief is what we need most. TSLR
BITTER & TWISTED I write on an easy day for Albion fans. For many seasons past we have nervously taken our seats for the first round… ahem… ‘proper’ of the FA Cup, sponsored by smug men in suits. Men, who at this level, will patronise the competition until they and their cronies, wives and ‘personal assistants’ take their places in the hospitality boxes of the third round. In this way we have been spared the indignity of an England misery fest. At the time of writing I have no idea just how hand wringingly unpleasant the England events will be. Can’t the Albion pit their wits against Forest Green Rovers or FC United again please?
Who was it who organised fixtures around Remberance Sunday? Who, for example, thought it a good idea to dress the England team in poppies to play against a team representing a country still riven by the strife following Franco’s post war dictatorship followed immediately by eternally neutral socially democratic Sweden? Lest we forget the football Spain happen to be the best team in the world bar none, Sweden England’s bogey team. England are also hampered by the ‘loss’ of their wayward foam headed monster genius. Still at least it gives ‘almost local boy made good’ our very own Bobby Z a small chance to impress. Now for the link as the radio presenters would have it - England kids vs Denmark kids. Those of you expecting something approaching a stream of invective from my keyboard will have to be disappointed. This was an opportunity for all those who had not yet had the chance to live the Falmex experience and attend the theatre of community plastic. So to whoever parked their backside in my North Stand comfort zone I thank you for keeping your bodily functions in check despite the obvious excitement of the occasion. However I do note with less than passing irritation that the clamour for me to somehow weave some special magic to conjure Falmex tickets has not abated.
This despite the dip in the team’s fortunes, a feature I was hoping would choke off the phone calls, texts and e-mails. I will be deleting my Facebook account. It does however give those of us a little longer in the tooth a chance to sound off. The catharsis of a good grumble is as valuable to one’s psychological wellbeing as the runaway victories of the last heady season at the Withdean. My final freebie DVD has arrived courtesy of that nice Mr Brown and his nice suit. Never mind however as season ticket holders will be allowed discounts on future season retrospective DVD purchases. Aren’t we allowed this privilege anyway or am I just looking for further grumbles? This being a Brighton & Hove Albion fanzine I feel compelled to offer some basic critique of the team’s performance to date. Let us pass over various obvious unpleasantries and come straight to the heart of the matter - the single kick which knocked the stuffing out of Albion’s dream start. I remember Casper Angerken’s wonderful, if hardly Corinthian, antics during the closing stages of last season’s encounters. He could tease and irritate opposition supporters for longer periods than the ancient Tantric goalkeepers of 11th Century Tibet. To see him punt the ball straight up the middle on that fateful 91st minute on 23rd September in the manner of the Rose And Crown Bs quite disturbed my meditations. As the ball bounced in front of the North Stand I was at one with the universe. A moment later my bliss was broken by some loose defending and noise from the South Stand. Brighton & Hove Albion 3 Leeds United 3 how can this be, oh master? Ah Grasshopper, you must understand that this game of men known as football can be a cruel mistress. Keep the faith my loyal acolytes. TSLR TSLR034
PETER GRUMMITT’S BRIGHT GREEN GLOVES One Albion legend who seems to get precious little recognition is the subject of my column this month. Perhaps it’s because he remains, how can I put it, very much his own man. Steve Foster was (almost literally) a colossus in the glorious top flight days of the Albion, and subsequently returned to steady a listing ship in the twilight of his career.
Fozzie came up from Pompey for a bargain £150k in the summer when we were gearing up for top flight football. Pompey were hard up and needed the cash (they still owed us money on the Steve Piper deal). Some things don’t change. He didn’t immediately break the Rollings-Lawrenson centreback partnership that had won promotion , but when Andy Rollings was injured he cemented a place to the extent that he played all but 12 games in the four year top flight episode – more than any other Brighton player. My memories of the big fella are that he never really ran – he either read the game and timed his tackles well, or he just stood there and made strikers detour around him. And it was quite a detour. Mind you, it helped he had some bloke called Lawrenson behind him for much of his Albion career – his covering was so good it made the rest of the defence look decent. Foz would have got away with less these days now contact in general is frowned upon. He also had that invaluable centre half asset, the magnetic head. Only Guy Butters in an Albion shirt had that same knack of attracting the ball on to his bonce. The most important goal Fozzie scored was against dirty Leeds in 81 when we needed to win the last game of the season to stay in the TSLR034
top flight. More than 27,500 packed the Goldstone to see Foz bury a first half goal in front of the North Stand with – in my memory’s eye - at least four Leeds players hanging off his massive frame. One of his great qualities was that he always seemed to enjoy playing, and you can see in his post-victory celebrations that it wouldn’t be long before the post-match beer was cracked. The famous FACup win at Anfield in 83 was a case in point, he was grinning like a deranged cat, socks around his ankles, dancing in front of the away end while Jimmy Melia was charging around trying to get the Kop to clap him. Unless someone knows better, I believe Fozzie is the only Albion player to play in a World Cup Finals for England. He helped keep a clean sheet in a 1-0 thrashing of the mighty Kuwait in Spain in 82, playing alongside a certain Steve Coppell. After he moved on to Villa, which didn’t really work out, he led Luton to the League Cup, lifting the Cup at Wembley. He also played for Oxford, who were then in the 2nd tier under Brian Horton. When he returned to the Goldstone on a free transfer in the summer of 92, he was a rock of stability in a season of financial woes – the £350k from Leeds for Mark Beeney saved Albion from the taxman. Foz won player of the season and we finished a creditable 9th in the third tier. He kept playing until the dark days of 96. One of the Albion greats – it would be good to see him as a halftime guest at the Amex. TSLR
FLAIRWATCH Vicente, Vicente, where for art thou Vicente?
For years I have dreamt about a player of Vicente’s calibre gracing the Blue & White, so understandably I was literally wetting my pants upon his signature. Not only is he Spanish, he’s also a genuine flair icon and one that I could use for my flair propaganda (flairaganda?). He has everything - the looks, the skills the nationality, the latino temprement. So where is he? After his Ipswich goal I was awaiting an absolute flair onslaught from El Punal, but it wasn’t to be, and he seems to have disappeared from the map? I can only speculate. Have he and Gus had a heated latino falling out with lots of gesticulating? Did he have a particularly bad night in Kemp Town with Inigo Calderon? Did Charlie Oatway take him to the Market Diner resulting in food poisoning? Has he found Brightons Spanish restaurants to be lacking in quality? The only other option, and probably most likely/flair, is that he’s done a “Marco Boogers” and is currently residing in a caravan in Holland. In which case, maybe we need Richard Carpenter back to ease negotiations to bring him back. While we’re on the subject of disappearing footballers, does this Rafael Rossi Branco actually exist? When I’d heard that we’d signed a Brazilian it was like Christmas, New Year, my birthday and National Flair day had all come at once. But where is he? He never seems to play for the reserves, and to be honest, any Brazilian should be in the first team anyway, regardless of quality.
After our win against Barnsley, the mood seems a lot better amongst Albion fans after our mini collapse. As I kept reminding people during that spell, it is a well known flair tactic that goes back centuries to have a collapse every now and again, otherwise what is the point?! Gus is a firm follower of the flair philosophy, that much is clear. His dedication to the flair cause is bordering on the relentless. However he still has a lot to learn. Inigo’s dropping for the Palace game hinted at a big falling out, but it really needed to last longer in my view. Where was the transfer request? Why did Inigo never throw his shirt at Gus in disgust? I appreciate the effort but it could’ve been a lot better in my view. Gus has had minor verbal scuffles with other managers, but again, he could do better. Mourinho/Clough mind games are a must have accessory in the flair world, and Gus is yet to really get involved in this. I need Gus to really try harder here - proclaiming himself to be the “special one” or something like that would be good, and come on Gus, you could at least refer to yourself in the third person a BIT more? Where Gus has done well is signing players from flair countries. But again, maybe he could do more. An Asian perhaps? Japanese would be perfect. Oh, and more Africans please. Don’t get me wrong, Gus is doing a great job at preaching my beliefs, but there are a few areas where he could be doing more.. TSLR TSLR034
MIDFIELD DIAMOND Sunday morning and across the country, it’s a similar scene. Lads dragging themselves out of bed with throbbing hangovers and throwing on clothes they crawled out of just four hours earlier, emptying half-eaten kebabs out of their pockets as they do so. Then they grab their mud-caked football boots from where they threw them last week and make their way down to the playing field.
Three of the team make a start on putting the nets up and clearing the dogshit off the pitch while a few others turn up wearily and join in unenthusiastically. Ten minutes before kickoff, nine players plus the ref have arrived. No opposition yet, and no kit. The lad whose turn it was to wash the kit phones to say he’s overslept so the manager goes to collect the set of faded yellow shirts, green XXXL shorts and turquoise socks. Then the right back turns up pissed and dressed as Buzz Lightyear, having come straight from an all-night fancy dress party – in the shower with him to sober him up enough to play. Somehow, two sets of eleven players are changed and on the pitch as the home captain calls the ref a twat for booking him last time he refereed there, and so gets booked again, even before the coin is tossed. Eventually, the game kicks off half an hour late in front of a crowd of four girlfriends, two kids, a dog and the village idiot. Why do they do it? For a laugh and to get a bit of exercise, yes, but mostly for the love of the game. And consequently, there can be no corruption at that level. Borussia Teeth 6 Fatzio 2 is 100% straight and honest.
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Can we say the same about the professional game with all the money and fame involved in success? Are the ‘fit and proper persons’ who Chair some of the country’s Clubs completely trustworthy when it comes to the integrity of the game? And what of those somewhat less-than-virtuous custodians of the beautiful game that work for FIFA? Should we be suspicious that bookmakers now sponsor several of our Clubs and run TV adverts in virtually every commercial break? Is Wayne Rooney’s dad’s alleged involvement in that betting syndicate just the tip of a large iceberg which threatens to sink the titanic game completely? Conspiracy theorists and the gutter press that love to sniff out the slightest whiff of scandal would like us to believe that corruption is rife. I don’t. I believe that, almost without exception throughout history, every football match (in this country at least) is and has been free from corruption. My reason is, despite the increasing amount of money and the accompanying temptation in the football ‘industry’, I think that all footballers and managers (most of whom are ex-players) care deeply about the game. Unlike the odd cricketer who may be tempted to overstep the mark. Some teams may care about winning-at-allcosts a little too much for my liking. Others may not have the same vision of how best to play the game as our Gus. But underneath it all, I have faith that they have the same love of the game as the beer-gutted thirty-somethings turning out on a Sunday morning for the likes of Unathletico Madrid. TSLR
THE SECURITY OFFICER We have a fourth dressing room at the Amex. We have the one for each team and one for the refereeing staff, which in itself is fancier than I think they deserve, but in the fourth one, celebrities and guests arrive to prepare themselves for how they’d like to look on camera. On the big screen. Oh, and most of the Gully’s turn up already in costume. Apart from the heads.
I josh about the referees and linesmen. They’re a strange and generally lonely bunch, but very much look forward to the company of their like and sometimes even get into a circle, a small one, as teams often do to show how together they are before kick-off. The wife, when I asked her to come up with a collective noun for them, said such a pack were best called a “legion”, normally used for demons, but I thought that harsh. I’d go for a “sneak” of them, having looked up the term for a collection of weasels. They’re not ones to argue with, these officials with their whistles and flags of authority, but they always look like they’re up to something when you catch them still and deep in plot. I zip up the pockets of my craftman’s trousers when I pass them by. The fourth dressing room, which we’re yet to name, but no doubt will, has a star on the richly-painted door with a little slot to slide in the name of our next visitor underneath. “Star polishing” is one of the activities on Next Week’s Rota we have emailed to us each Friday. When it’s for me to do, I shrug and groan to make out it’s not a job for a man like me, butactually quite like it. Getting into the nooks and crannies of that stellar sign and scraping out the filth I find satisfying. Just like the feel ing of really scrubbing the ashen innards of my oven that I get to do annually at my other
half’s joyous request. Or every now and again gladly grappling a thug after an event who’s swung at me first and is indeed “asking for it”. It would’ve been my third week here when those in charge decided I was the right man for the job of guarding these guests. Not sure if it was meant as reward or punishment really. I have a wishlist of those I’d like to dive in front of a bullet for, like any security officer would tell you, and also those I just wouldn’t. Those I’d sign my death certificate for are Michelle Pfeiffer, the Dalai Lama, JK Rowling – for the sake of my little one – and Shannon Tweed – for the sake of my not so little one. I doubt any of them are coming soon to the Amex to fill halftimes with muffled smalltalk. Instead, I’ve had to protect Todd Carty, single-handedly. Now, I liked him as Tucker Jenkins and Mark Fowler and even that oedipal bloke on The Bill, so in some ways he’s a legend, but I think I’ll have to add him to the list of those I won’t die for. Not maliciously, like in the way I’d happily stand aside to see Chris Moyles receive a deathly beating, but just in that he’s not got quite enough rep to lose my life over. I suppose for Carty I’d look to disarm some goon coming at him with a hammer. That’s my job. But not throw my head in the way of its swing. I don’t know who will be up next. It’s pantomime season, and I have a slight fear it might be Christopher Biggins at some point. He’s on the list of my other half, who used to be in the trade before we had our little one, Ken. We’ll see. Christmas is coming, after all, and I’m sure I could find something more romantic than a bruised Biggins for her. TSLR
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THE HOVIAN
After the calamitous evening against the divs from Croydon, the next visitors to Falmer were thankfully Hull City. A club that has had almost as much shit happen to it as the Albion was always going to be a bit of a love-in on the fan interface. The half-full South Stand was quiet and respectful, so much so that I even started watching the football instead. But that was so bad I wish I had brought along a copy of Solzhenitzyn’s 3-volume ‘The Gulag Archipelago’ to read, or some other turgid, weighty tome, just for light relief from the general boredom you know.
Next up were a mob that are far from enterprising in supporting the ideal of “Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité”, Wet Sham. Everything you hear about this bunch is true, apart from the “passionate” cliché. Fat, bald, aggressive, ugly and VERY badly dressed. Yes, I realise ‘Bubbles’ is as unique a terrace chant as you’ll find anywhere. But when you combine it, and only it, with the side-splitting “Does your boyfriend know you’re here?” (that incomparable, East End cheeky chappie wit eh?) it degrades a club that has already sold its beautiful game soul by having the effrontery to employ ‘Big Twat’ Allardyce as manager. Their team play hoofball (and fucking win!) so maybe the remnants of the infamous ICF are frankly embarrassed to sing for their team. Plenty of limp-wristing and cod-camp tomfoolery with the Hammers – who, just like Leeds, are the most rampant (ooh matron!) in their verbal gay-bashing. It must be trying to live up to a ‘hardest fans’ myth that causes the homophobia. TSLR034
I will be away from these shores as you read this, having gone back to work abroad earlier this month, so I can’t really report on the visit of Barnsley, everyone’s favourite Yorkshire knuckle-draggers. I did get up to St Andrews though, and it was great craic, so I’ll talk about them instead. None of the boys had visited Birmingham’s home ground before, so we didn’t know what to expect. The lovable scamps of the EDL were parading about some fascist shit in the city centre, and it was an eye-opener seeing some of these whoppers up close, but we avoided as best we could and de-bussed up on the Coventry Road, a whisker away from St Andrews itself. The pub we entered was painted in fiercely striped blue and white paint, with a big BCFC banner flying outside. But credit where it’s due, the Brummies were as good as gold, and we had a good shant pre-match in cramped but friendly conditions (The Clements Arms if you’re interested). At the game, only a few Brummies could be bothered with the obligatory gay/arse/queer/ poof gags, apart from some auld slapper in a cheap beige coat who was apoplectic with rage (beak?) the whole game. Albion away crowds trump the home lot, and as the slapper songs started the stewards moved in to calm the crazy woman down. Back in the Clements for an ale after, and the benign 0-0 draw made the locals even more friendly with us. Then off we staggered to get a late-ish train. I will miss the Albion away when I’m away. TSLR
PROG ROCKS
OK, Scars & Stripes was technically a fanzine, but with the magazine available to buy in the club shop back then (imagine that today!) and a lot of the team migrating to the actual programme at Withdean, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pushing the limits. This is topical however; in February 1999 the Albion were in court with Aston Villa regarding Gareth Barry, a player who had been with us since a kid but moved to Birmingham before donning the stripes. We won the case for compensation, but that precendent has now gone under the EPPP rules passed last month. Barry meanwhile captained England against the world champions just last week. TSLR
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CARTER Rearranging stuff is fun. I realise I sound a lot like I’m about to lob a chair through the Pump House window when I say that, but I’m actually talking about anagrams. But, I never thought my innocent enjoyment of word play would have me keeping an eye on the shadows just in case the illuminati come and shiv me one.
I’m just a Brighton fan looking to fill a few inches - column inches that is - but the more I delved into the use of anagrams throughout history, the more I found a world of mystery and intrigue. In brief... - Sources suggest that in the 6th Century B.C., Pythagorus used anagrams to determine life’s philosophical meanings and great truths. - Plato and his followers believed that anagrams revealed divinity and personal destiny. - In Roman times, anagrams were thought to have prophetic powers. - Jewish Cabalists in the 13th Century A.D. were aware of anagram mysticism and special significance. - In 2007, Kerry Mayo solved the word jumble in the Gully’s Gang section of the programme.
Now Americans and the internet are increasingly involved, nearly every event and personality can be moulded in to an anagram which reveals a secret hidden message directly relating to the original words. These are often used by conspiracy theorists called Howard. In terms of the Albion, I’ve previously revealed that an anagram of Gus Poyet was ‘Yes Got Up’ and used this as a basis for my prediction that Albion would be League 1 Champions last season. Perhaps there is something fateful within the names of our other striped heroes?
Craig Mackail Smith is heading to Brighton and Scottish fame thanks to his ‘magic charisma kilt’. Rodriguez Vicente has ‘recognized virtue’ Inigo Calderon has no awareness of the campaign to save Saltdean’s most iconic building from residential development - ‘Lido Ignorance’’ Also, If you fancy an US-style conspiracy, look no further than his full name of Iñigo Calderon Zapateria, which when rearranged, reveals ‘Craig Noone, it a lizard ape’ - this is even more startling as reading that phrase aloud actually makes you sound a bit Spanish. As it turns out, Nooney’s previous employment as a roofer working at Steven Gerrard’s gaff is a myth. He was actually simply found atop the Liverpool captain’s house after escaping from Knowsley Safari Park. With the roofer story as cover, the authorities realised the beast’s pace and energy could be exploited in professional football, so Noone was allowed to start a clean slate playing for plymouth. It’s a wonder Craig Noone can get down the flanks so quickly anyway considering he is also known as ‘Canoe Groin’ Liam Bridcutt allegedly likes to ‘claim tub dirt’ from the other squad members from the communal bath to create odd sculptures for Croatian art dealers. Not to mention that you can make various other amusing anagrams from his name including such words as rim, tit, bum and clam. You see, there’s plenty of strange goings-on at the Albion if you dig around enough, like Liam Bridcutt in a plug hole. All complete nonsense you’ll be glad to hear. TSLR TSLR034
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