TSLR035 / December 2011 / £1
THE SEAGULL LOVE REVIEW
PLEASE SANTA, JUST A SHOT ON GOAL! Inside this month; Gully’s Girls; Exclusive behind the scenes report Corridors of Power; We chat to the people behind the Amex art Be Lucky; You’ve won ... A Lotto Burger! Slim Pickings; Norman Cook and the big Falmer payday
TSLR A collection of badly edited Albion related-ish drivel that will roll up and fit in a Christmas cracker or something.
EBAY GOLD Nothing shouts Third Division provincial football club like socially awkward locals getting all excited about wearing club-coloured Santa Hats to games in the festive period. Albion have excelled at this over the years embracing the fan’s enthusiasm through various fire-saftey-bothering pointy hats in our various spit and sawdust club shops. But times change. We’re a respectable football club now and the new Seagull Hypermarket is not stocking the tradtional ‘Santa’s a Brighton Fan’ headware for the likes of you and I. Some traditions should be cherished though; so while we openly mock the likes who would adorn such plebian attire, Christmas games just wouldn’t be the same without them. Not to worry, eBay is selling these BHA/WBA generic numbers for a mere £2, and what you can’t see is a glowing baubel on the top in the shape of a football. Bonus. Battery not inlcuded. TSLR
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TSLR035 The Seagull Love Review is an independent Brighton and Hove Albion Magazine. Issue 35, December 2011. The views expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views of the Editors, or The Seagull Love Review. We do hate Palace though, officially.
EDITORS NOTES Thank you for buying the latest issue of The Seagull Love Review and supporting our only fanzine. We received so much quality writing this month that we’ve added a further 4 pages so hopefully your £1 has been well spent! We understand that any Albion fan would be devestated to find a roled up fanzine in their Christams stocking, but there’s a couple of other fan-produced presents out this month that will keep your stripey friends and family busy over the festive period.
Thanks this issue to BM, TS, BM, GC, KK, SW, GE, NB, PN, JS, RM, AW, SK, TC Edited by SS and SS Artwork by SS, ML, SK Printed by MCR Print of Hove www.mcrprint.co.uk TSLR is printed using eco-friendly paper and ink apparently.
The Seagull Love Review Apt 19 City Heights, MCR, M1 7AX tslr@hotmail.co.uk www.theseagulllovereview.com http://twitter.com/tslr Signed off 0803 14/12/2011
Firstly, the excellent Gully’s Girls Calender and secondly the longawaited sequel to Build A Bonfire, We Want Falmer! The latter project, as I’m sure you know, is essential for any Albion bookcase so keep your fingers crossed that therer’s a book shaped gift under the tree for you. As always, all next month’s games are tough ones. Every time we write one of these we hope the next one will be recalling some classic wins. Again, fingers crossed. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Up the Albion! S+S
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CONTENTS 2 eBay gold / 5 what’s hot, what’s not / 6 news in brief / 8 flairwatch / 9 marco van bastard / 10 gully’s girls / 14 reviews / 16 previews / 20 bitter & twisted / 21 midfield diamond / 22 corridor / 26 lotto / 27 WSL snapper / 28 fatboy $lim / 31 meade’s ball / 32 the hovian / 35 carter ... £1 please!
Your weekend footy fix starts here... For all your Albion news, opinion, interviews, malicious tittle-tattle and some downright fibbing, tune into
THE ALBION ROAR Every Saturday from 12pm til 1pm on Radio Reverb 97.2FM (if you’re in Brighton/Hove)
or at www.radioreverb.com
Missed the show?
Listen again at www.albionroar.co.uk or on iTunes The Albion Roar is a guaranteed Phil Collins-free zone AND we have far better studio guests than every other show. FACT.
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WHAT’S HOT WHAT’S NOT
Mendoza’s.. Original.
Next year; The Girls of the BHAFC Supporters Club Calender
HOT
NOT
Gullys Girls / The good people of Gullys Girls plc are bringing out a 2012 calendar. At only £7.99, every guy should splash out on one of those! #TOWIGG Vicente / El Punal is a journalists dream. If you arstruggling for a story, just look back at your October article, highlight “Vicente is not fit for the next game, but he is fitter then when he first arrived and should feature next week, blah blah blah,” then hit Ctrl+C, then Ctrl+V. Job done. Easy money! Crystal Palace / Just when we thought we were totally inept at goal scoring, Palace over took our 5hours 43 minutes “without a goal” record, weighing in with a whopping 8 (EIGHT) and a half hour vigil. They also managed to conceded a goal after just 7 seconds against Barnsley. Crystal PMSLace. Gus Poyet / Anyone that can upset Sir Alex Ferguson deserves some Christmas praise. Gus upset the Europa League manager with his views on the Suarez/Evra incident so much so that Ferguson called Poyet “a bit silly.” Rumour is that John Terry and Sepp Blatter were spotted on an open top bus in Brixton High street waving “I love Gus Poyet” flags. Middlesborough / Not only do they have the gloved and dreadlocked wonder that is Marvin Emnes leading their strike force, Boro is also the home of the best culinary delight ever invented - the Parmo. For £5 you get a chicken nugget bigger than your face covered in melted cheese and pepperoni, a load of chips and a token slice of cucumber all in a 12 inch pizza box. Just the 2,900 calories too, Merry Christmas x
Brighton Attacking / For some reason Fenton the Dog (Jesus Christ) is more attacking than Brighton’s forwards and we now find ourselves bottom of the “shots at goal” Championship table, registering just 172 shots in 21 games. We need to grow some balls like Fatima Whitbread and have some shots! Twitter / Many fans look up to the Brighton players as heroes and role models in life. Reading Twitter dashes all hope that they can be held in such high regard. Twitter has taught us that these “heroes” watch Desperate Scousewives, wear Ugg Boots, hide shoes in fridges and are terrible at decorating Christmas Trees. It was as emotionally destroying the day you found out Santa wasn’t real. Craig MacKail-Smith / Any biscuit lover knows you should protect your biscuits at all costs. CMS did not adhere to the basic biscuit lovers rules and as a consequence came home to find that his gingerbread man was missing and arm and leg. Never let your guard down Craig! Jose Fonte / He was fouled by Lewis Dunk a couple of yards outside the penalty box, and in a desperate bid to take the game away from Brighton, decided he would dive to land in the penalty box to gain a penalty. His dive was so pathetic that he landed well outside the box meaning there was no way the referee Peter Walton could give a penalty, oh… Christmas / Christmas is still a week away which means we have to wait a week to unwrap our Gullys Girls Calendars. Worse still, is that we are still a couple more weeks away from January when are officially allowed to hang our Gully’s Girls Calendars on our walls, no questions asked! The 1st January 2012 is going to be a more magical day than when Francisco Sandaza signed for Brighton... TSLR TSLR035
It seems that Gus has a handy little scout playing in the youth team at Charlton. Rumour of us signing 15 year old goalkeeper Luke Colquhoun led us to the clear conclusion that Poyet’s son Diego has been informing his dad of the best players at the club. Following on from the fantastic article on homophobia in TSLR034, it was great to hear that two Southampton fans were ejected for using homophobic abuse in the match against Albion. One - Joseph Webb - was even given a 3 year banning order in what TSLR Towers believes to be the first use of anti-gay chanting powers by the FA. The less said about the visit down the south coast the better. Meanwhile, it was revealed ahead of that match up that Jack Cork - son of ex Albion assistant Alan Cork - turned down an offer from Tony Bloom in the summer and opted to join the Adkins diet at St Mary’s.
naries as Eric Potts. You never know, one day Buckers might even be fit enough to feature in the starting XI. Apologies to those poor cleaners at Middlesbrough’s Riverside who had to deal with a few shredded copies of the last issue after the loss in the north. We made confetti in the second half for our imminent equaliser that never came - the paper snowstorm had to be released when we won a goal kick around the 70 minute mark. Our feature with Gully’s Girls this month to advertise their charity calendar is one way we’re trying to convince those ladies to attend 2012’s end of season party. Rumour has it that Lloyd Owusu is a superstar DJ these days so if anyone has his contact details, please get in touch with us through the usual channels.
NEWS IN BRIEFS december 2011
Former players we’d like to see hosting corporates at Falmer #1: Colin Hawkins (he needs a job). Our homophobia article was somewhat overshadowed by Gus riding into the Suarez/ Evra racism storm. Whatever the truth behind his point, it was not the wisest thing in the world to say. However, we’ve found photographic evidence of GP holding a ‘Show Racism the Red Card’ poster which the club should be reeling out as much as possible right now. Judging by the poster allocation, it seems only Poyet and his mates in the front row are actually against racism. Will Buckley has surely become the most prolific scorer off the bench since such lumi TSLR035
The Thursday before publication saw the launch of the new publication - ‘We Want Falmer’ by Steve North and Paul Hodson - in Dick’s Bar at the glorious stadium the book is all about. As we’re penning this before the event, we assume that it was excellent and revealed that some of our anecdotes made the final cut. Although we may have been severely disappointed to establish that we ended up on the cutting room floor. Anyway, buy the book - it’ll be the perfect stocking filler for everyone (well, better than that Peter Ward biography a few years back) and it’s already out of stock on Amazon. Talking of potential Christmas presents, one not to feature on our list for Santa is the first ever Albion league defeat at Falmer brought out on DVD by those bastards up the A23.
And there are still a few prints of the Albion Fan Mosaic left - some are even signed by Peter Ward so why not treat yourself, or your wife/husband - so you definitely won’t need that DVD from Croydon. DISCLAIMER: watch out when buying a DVD in Croydon, you may be given VD instead. Now we’re such an international renowned club with a spanking new stadium, TSLR toyed with the idea of following the lead of Sunderland’s fanzine ‘A Love Supreme’ who feature a cover price in Euros. Following recent events, that plan has been abandoned. Following Craig Noone’s exceptional rendition of Peter Andre’s ‘Mysterious Girl’ on a football based web video, we’ve come up with a list of songs we’d like to see other Albion players when frequenting popular karaoke haunts. Casper Ankergren could feasibly serenade us with ‘Pressure, Drop’ by the Toots and the Maytals - it’s because of our keeper’s ball dropping prowess when under the slightest of pressure. Billy Paynter could sing ‘I Shot the Sheriff’ - well, he has to shoot at something (equally this could be labelled at the entire team these days) - whereas Craig Mackail Smith should sing ‘I Am the One and Only’ as that’s what Gus Poyet
sung to CMS when he signed as a player ‘we’ll build our team around’, remember? No, neither does Gus. Former players we’d like to see hosting corporates at Falmer #2: Robert Codner (a white Christmas indeed). We were reliably informed in the North Stand Social Club after the Forest game that the ‘locally’ sourced guest ale was actually from a brewery some 50 miles away from Nottingham. The source for this information? It was someone who has enviably made a career out of writing about beer. Although, their career highlight was surely a season long stint as TSLR’s football on television columnist. Is Vicente the new Fran Sandaza? And finally, the Albion’s marketing department sent out a Football League survey to season ticket holders which asked whether we’d prefer to drink whilst in our seats. Er, total no brainer from us. It’s not just the FL who is looking into this - Brazil may yet be able to introduce drinking at World Cup matches in 2014 if all goes to plan. Those Brazilians already featured highly enough in our opinions so we’re not quite sure how we can love that country even more. Talking of beer and Brazil, RIP Socrates. TSLR TSLR035
FLAIRWATCH I write this having just returned from Middlesbrough, possibly the grimmest town I have ever witnessed. I had a good day, bumped into Norman Cook and experienced for the first time a ‘chicken parmo’ which left my arteries and bowels wondering what the hell they’d done to deserve that relentless punishment. However, one thing made my day, and year...that thing is Romain Vincelot. The Romain Warrior, as I call him, is quite quickly becoming my favourite ever person. It’s not just his dashing good looks, or the fact that he’s French. He basically defines the term ‘je ne sais quoi’. At night I picture him at home sipping on some fine wine, eating a coq au vin and listening to fine classical music and having casual sex......... well in my dreams anyway. There’s something very classy about him. On the pitch he looks so composed and Gallic. It’s perfectly natural to compare him to other French midfielders such as Claude Makalele, Anthony Le Tellac or Didier Deschamps as he’s in that calibre. Watching Romain strut his stuff is like watching the finest ballet. Of course, saturday was slightly spoiled/enhanced (depending on your viewpoint) by some extreme comedyfending by big Casper. Casper is one of those flair goalkeepers that are very common in the history of flair. However well the Great Dane is playing, you know a monumental mishap is in the post with a first class stamp. TSLR035
Casper is the one player in our squad who has a relentless sense of loyalty to the flair revolution (flairvolution?). Not only is he Danish, but his style of play is so high risk it’s untrue. He causes so much chilli con carnage in the team and he must be applauded for that. Dropping the ball under absolutely no pressure whatsoever is an act that proves his determination and dedication to the cause. Some would say that the defence has lost confidence in him, and while that may be true, is that necessarily a bad thing? If you look back over the years at some of the greatest goalkeepers.....i’m talking about Rene Higuita, Fabien Barthez, Sander Westerveld. What do they all have in common? That’s right, they all made mistakes and all, at some points in their careers had to work with a defence that had no confidence in them. Rene Higuita’s finest moment came in 1990, when, for no reason at all, dribbled the ball out to near the half way line only to be dispossessed resulting in a Roger Milla goal. Did he just give up being flair? No, he decided to become even MORE flair. Saturday was Casper’s 1990 moment. It could well define his career and he must decided whether he tightens up, and become boring, or become even more extreme in his flair actions and become an absolute calamity magnet. Could we be seeing a scorpion kick from Casper soon? Personally I hope so. I see us as a mid table team this year, so basically I’m hoping for as much flair entertainment as possible. TSLR
MARCO VAN BASTARD Listening to BBC Sussex, that place where Warren Aspinall seems at crippling pains to correctly pronounce Alan Navarro’s surname and teams whose followers must form a fraction of the audience are afforded exorbitant swathes of airtime, can feel like punishment for not following the Albion in person. It felt particularly painful after the Middlesbrough game, when howls of derision for a narrow away defeat at a top five team hastened the inevitable early switch-off. Moaning about the moaners is about as useful as firing rubber bands at an overhead Vulcan bomber, and anyone who has found themselves swearily gesticulating at the grumps behind them instead of truly celebrating a goal will know that bitterness only consumes the soul and leaves you feeling foolish. Still, the Forest game demonstrated the matchstick between success and failure for most teams below the top few, and the creative difference between this and last season – namely, Elliott Bennett – seems more noticeable with every game. Bennett was hugely understated considering his effectiveness (the stats were comparable to the influence Zamora had), and doubtless Gus’s decision to gamble on Vicente is an attempt to sticky tape over the gapingly conspicuous absence of a true lock-picker. Credit to Russell Slade, who’s just signed a new contract to carry on Orient’s customary good form after a wretched start, for the foresight of the signing, and the current midfield shouldn’t be disparaged – nor should anyone, really, in a young team full of potential, any
of whom could be nurtured to flourish as our former talisman did under Poyet and Taricco’s management. Bennett would often talk, on and off the pitch, about making the right decisions with the ball, which depends pivotally on a confidence which now seems to swell and evaporate in time with the frequency of quality opposition we face each week. When it goes wrong, as it did for most of the Forest game, the domino effect can look disastrous. During the second half none of the players seemed capable of finding clarity of thought. It’s good to have Navarro back but every time he had possession he seemed plagued by pressure, and it wasn’t a great surprise (injury permitting) to see him dropped entirely from the squad for the ‘boro game. There again, had we had Bennett (and Crofts, another regular for Norwich) we would probably be firmly in the top six at the moment, and although promotion this season is a possibility for any club in the top half of an eccentric yet flamboyant division, it would feel perilously premature for a club in transit from the gutter to the stars. Allied with his ill-advised burblings about Suarez, which seem slightly baited in hindsight, our position almost certainly leaves Gus off the radar of Premier League chairmen. The development should be progressive, so perhaps we should count our blessings, if not that Bennett left then at least for the contribution he made while he was here. Recapturing the ingenuity he offered is our most pressing aim. TSLR TSLR035
PIN-UP GULLS With Christmas almost upon us, what better way to make loads of Brighton fans happy than team up with the adorable Gullys Girls and make their first ever calendar. This was the job I was given and have spent the last 6 weeks working hard towards, much to the annoyance, I mean jealousy, of those occupying TSLR Towers.
a bucket load of money for the Robert Eaton Memorial Fund. I have worked on various projects with Gullys Girls down the years, but this was by far our biggest one yet. With all the hard work put in, we are hoping to raise over £6,000 for The REMF. Now we need your help by purchasing the best wall decoration money (£7.99) can buy.
Contrary to popular belief, the reason I said yes was because we are hoping to raise
Gully’s Girls go by the motto “Cheerleading = Life” which can seem a bit over the top,
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MENDOZA REPORTS ... but when you meet them and realise how hard they work and how close they are as friends, that motto doesn’t seem so far fetched. I think it has shown on the pitch too. In seasons past the girls had been mocked by some sections, but now they are back with newer, slicker, more complicated routines, new members, new kit and of course, new surroundings. The general consensus is that they have improved beyond recognition and have very much become as much a part of The Amex Matchday experience as game itself. They have worked hard for it though. Jo, the head cheer leader has them training every week, even incorporating a weights regime for all the girls. There have been a couple of tales of woe too, with injuries sustained during routines, hair extensions falling out and even abuse from Palace fans on route to “that” derby day clash at The Amex.
The girls have an army of followers on Twitter and Facebook and they often keep us up to date with all the latest from their world of fun and laughter. And it was fun and laughter was definitely the order of the day when we were doing the calendar shoot. I didn’t really know many of the girls at the start of the shoot, but by the end of it I knew everyone’s name, their favourite biscuit and even got to grips with their language, which I dubbed TOWIGG. Over the weeks, early morning and late night photo shoots took place at The Amex. Like myself, most of the girls had never done any modelling before, so the photo shoot environment was quite daunting at first. Once we got used to the angles and numerous takes, everyone was having a blast no matter what time of day it was.
“We found ourselves in some funny situations during the shoots; in the showers of the home changing rooms getting soaked, I got to use Gus’ towel to dry my meat and two veg!” Spot the photgrapher
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PIN-UP GULLS The behind the scenes video on youtube seems to be a big hit too, with over 2000 hits in a couple of weeks. We found ourselves in some funny situations during the shoots - in the dugouts with fake snow everywhere, “borrowing” items from the 1901 club, in the showers of the home changing rooms getting soaked, I even got to use Gus’ towel to dry my meat and two veg! 23 Gullys Girls feature in the calendar - 24 including that annoying Chinese fella - with all the months seasonally themed - From Winter Wonderland, to The Euros, to Summer and Christmas, with Valentines and Halloween chucked in for good measure.
The girls have many admirers from a far (what’s not to love?), so the calendar is the chance for them to give something back to their ever increasing number of fans. When I caught up with Jo after the shoot, this is what she had to say; “I am really proud of how hard the girls and everyone involved has worked on the calendar. My girls are not just dancers, cheerleaders and huge BHAFC fans, they also do as much as they can to help the community and this is what really means a great deal to them. “The calendar idea came about as an off the cuff comment but very quickly developed into
The guys prepare for the infamous Gus’s towel scene ... TSLR035
a really exciting project. Myself and Louise who helped to produce the calendar are always joking that we should bring out Gully’s Girls brand makeup, clothing, hair products, perfume etc - Then someone said “calendar” and here it is! It was important for us to dedicate the calendar to a charity and REMF was the obvious choice. Not only is it a charity that the Gully’s Girls have supported in the past but with the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 this year we felt that it would be a nice thing to do in honour of Robert Eaton. We hope to raise as much money as possible so pledge to everyone to buy a copy. We have
worked with 2 great photographers, one of which is the BHAFC Club photographer Paul Hazelwood and a local photographer Phil Howard and we are so pleased with the photos. It was a long few weeks of late nights and many costume changes, but we hope you all like it!” The Gullys Girl 2012 Calendar is out now and available from The Club Shops at The Amex as well as Queens Road. It’s also available online at www.seagullsdirect.co.uk It will cost you just £7.99 with all proceeds going to The Robert Eaton Memorial Fund. So please buy one (or more), Merry Christmas to each and every one of you x x TSLR
Matchday mascots had improved since the Withdean days TSLR035
REVIEWS SOUTHAMPTON / A / Having spent the previous 3 weeks’ matches in Mexico, the trip to St Mary’s was always going to be a challenge. Limited finances had already consigned me to the coach for TSLR034’s debut - a fruitless task as it soon emerged that the heartless local stewards would not let us sell the fanzine anywhere on club property. It was enough to make us realise quite how lucky we are at Falmer. Pre match, a stroll down the High Street led to a Xmas market with a faux German taverna. It was of TSLR standard, despite the £4 a tankard price tag, and reminded us of just how much fun we had when ‘researching’ TSLR006 - our St Pauli issue of 2009. It was a much colder day than it had been in Mexico so it was this season’s bobble hat debut. Believe us, that was the highlight of the day. Having been denied the flogging opportunities by the orange clad locals, we witnessed the Albion fold in quite spectacular fashion during 20 mins of the second half. At the break, it had been nil all. There were two debatable penalties given after Ricky Lambert had taken the lead. Both decisions were questionable (the first an acre or so outside the box) but other decisions had denied Southampton possible penalties. Tanno got sent off after the first penalty for swearing, Ashley Barnes pushed the referee and the Saints ran riot. Unbeknown to the Football League Show and with the scoreline at 1-0 to Southampton, we had our only real chance when the ball was cut back across goal with the ‘keeper out of position. It was cleared off the line. What they started at the Withers in April, Adkins et al continued in November. Luckily we don’t play them for awhile. Oh… DERBY / A / Albion far away in midweek. Check. TSLRite birthday. Check. Days still to take off work. Check. So that was that then, a Tuesday night trip to the Midlands, a night of drinking and dancing and back to work on Thursday. It’s what football is all about. TSLR035
We headed to Pride Park to pick up our yet to be purchased match tickets (you can get the points on your season ticket retrospectively apparently). The ticket office gentleman suggested we couldn’t buy a ticket for 3 hours so we traipsed back to the station and got soaked by a downpour before , inevitably, heading to the pub. The Brunswick even has its own brewery on site so we set about supping as many ales as possible. Somehow we stayed too late and kick off had passed by the time we took to a standing area in front of our nonallocated seat. The game is hazy to say the least but the CMS finish that smashed into the net early on is a memory that will last awhile. After taking the lead early on there was a worry we wouldn’t hold on but we were too busy celebrating an away shot on target to care. The hosts certainly had their chances which forced a couple of inspired Ankergren saves, a couple of inspired blocks - one from the returning Sir Adam ElAbd - and a few bitten fingernails. Albion secured victory and we were all left to carry on drinking all the way from Derby to Birmingham for a ‘Black and Asian night’ at Gatecrasher. Judging by the theme of the night, it was quite convenient that Mr Poyet hadn’t joined us for drinks. COVENTRY / H / Albion fans were experiencing something akin to jet lag as they ventured to the Amex for a 3pm kick off time for the first time in 3 months! We started brightly and were soon ahead with a goal of the season contender: CMS calculated his angles perfectly to fire against the goalkeeper’s 4th and 5th ribs to produce just the right trajectory on the ball to see it rebound off the back-tracking defender’s knee and into the onion bag - scientifically perfect. The lead didn’t last long as lowly Cov equalised with a header. Albion had made an early sub with the departure of Marcos Painter at leftback - the versatile Vincelot took his
NOV / DEC place. Rumour has it that Romain is the longest in the shower, although this rumour was first brought to my attention by the grandson of Norman Wisdom (I kid you not) so the comedy genes cast serious doubt on the truth of the rumour…added to the fact he is a Frenchman (ooh la la – controversée!). Romain had further reason to smile just before half time as he met Bridcutt’s free kick with a superb looping header to put Albion 2-1 ahead. The ONLY thing that happened in the second half was Coventry’s travelling fans let off a flare - the most impressive thing about this incident (viewed from the North Stand) was not the brightness of the flare but the number of yellow jacketed people that descended upon the area of the flare creating all sorts of commotion that appeared quite unnecessary. Even though the thing was only alight for a few seconds, from what we could see, it was amazing how the smoke travelled and lingered around the ground giving us a taste of what to expect when we welcome Inter Milan to the Amex the season after next. FOREST / H / Albion were back to winning ways so a game with lowly Forest brought hopes of a win. Yours truly used a spare ticket in the North Stand to give my fair lady a chance to sample the footballing feast. In truth it was the Chicken and Ham pie that was the main attraction. I am not quite old enough to have witnessed Steve Cotterill in the stripes, so I only know him as a manager and in this capacity I cannot stand him. After Forest’s 3-0 defeat at Portsmouth Cotterill claimed that his new side had ‘dominated’ the game, and while this is quite possible I could not help but scoff. We were looking forward to seeing Will Hoskins and the ever improving Ryan Harley after their excellent performances in mid-week. Neither were even on the bench as the Bermuda triangle that is Albion’s training ground saw them struck down with injury. This was a terrible game, and while Forest brought
an excellent number they were given nothing to cheer in a first half with no real chances for either side. In the second half Forest genuinely did ‘dominate’ the game with 3 or 4 excellent chances. Kaz came on and looked great, producing a superb cross that aerial expert Noone could not direct on target. Another training ground victim Buckley was brought on for the 10 mins he can manage before the hamstring goes, along with bargain of the season Vincelot. CMS once again proved his worth after finally escaping the big defensive clutches, bursting down the wing and supplying a low cross for Vincelot. Monsieur’s supreme vision spotted the only player to supply when in injury time in front of the North Stand Buckley - who calmly slotted past 3 defenders to give Albion 3 points. Cue superb celebrations in the form of LuaLua whose solo run and dive was followed by some planking on the Albion bundle formed on top of CMS, as well as Tano who sunk to his knees and vigorously pumped fists in front of the West Stand. Not to mention my own wild jumping and two finger shaking at the loathed manager of the opposition. It’s great stealing an undeserved victory in the last minute, and while I felt sorry for the away fans, I went home looking forward to Cotterill’s post-match interview and happy the Albion had claimed a third win on the spin (‘dominated’). ‘BORO / A / “Parmo or Parmesan, is a food dish originating in Middlesbrough, popular in the North East of England. It typically consists of deep-fried chicken in bread crumbs topped with a white béchamel sauce and cheese. Variations use pork or, less commonly, a vegetarian main component. The parmo is generally available in two sizes, and terminology varies between outlets: ‘Large’ or ‘full’ parmo or a ‘Half’ or regular parmo (sometimes known as a “ladies’ parmo”). Middlesborough 1 - Ladies Parmo 0. TSLR TSLR035
PREVIEWS BURNLEY / H / It’s time to renew our acquaintance with Eddie Howe who pushed us quite far as Bournemouth manager last season in Division 3 before jumping ship to Turf Moor. Bizarrely, we’ve looked at opposing mascots this month and Burnley have a mascot called Bertie Bee which makes absolutely no sense when you consider that their nickname is the Clarets. Bertie also has the honour of having tackled a pitch invader to the floor in a match between the Clarets and Preston back in 2008 and is not to be confused with the Brentford mascot Buzz Bee. Hilariously during the 2006-07 season he was given Stan the Pie Man (a marketing promotion for Holland’s Pies) - another mascot a la Sally the Seagull - to play with. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Nogan - Kurt was top scorer for this lot back in the 1995-96 season after we’d sold him oop north. READING / A / Typically, they have come into a bit of form as our match up with them approached. These faux rivals have been known as the Royals since 1974 after a competition renamed them from the Biscuitmen because of Berkshire’s supposed royal
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credentials. They were known as the McVitiesmen because the town used to have factories making sugary biscuity treats (but what’s their favourite?) These days the Royals have an on pitch golf cart that removes injured players from the pitch a la USA ’94 so expect a William (Buckley or Hoskins) to be making an appearance on that this Boxing Day. The golf cart idea is also something we’ve noticed in South America this very season. Reading’s mascot these days is Kingsley the Royal who is a lion that got sent off by Mike Riley back in May 2007 for ‘looking like a Reading player’. He is a six foot lion so it’s an easy mistake to make. COVENTRY / A / The positive news that New Year’s Day’s hangover will not be prevalent at an Albion match this season is tempered by the New Year’s Eve visit to the new Highfield Road. The pressure is on the referee to avoid any injury time so we can drive back really fast (but legally obviously) and get to the all those epic NYE parties we’ve yet to be been invited to. We’re off to the Ricoh Arena which replaced Highfield Road - the former ground’s last ever goal was scored by TSLR’s
DEC / JAN Player of the Season in 2008/09, Andrew Whing (who was ultimately cursed from then on). The team from the Midlands use logic much further than those at Burnley - nicknamed the Sky Blues, their mascot is inventively called Sky Blue Sam but appears to be a sky blue elephant. He even has his own Facebook page. Now this is the point we’d usually recom mend you a pub to frequent but as it’s NYE, you better get yourself back down to the party (and send us an invite, OK). SOUTHAMPTON / H / The idea of hosting this lot so soon after our ‘mauling’ at St Mary’s is enough to turn the most iron of stomachs. Everyone always treats the turn of the year as a time for a fresh start, and it would be nice to reverse our recent fortunes against the Saints in the first match of 2012. Super Saint is the Southampton mascot and he appears to be a dog (seriously, the more you look into these the more relevant Gully becomes). In other hideous preview news, did you know that Ian Dowie used to play for them? Of course you did. We didn’t. OK, well did you know that when British Caledonian adorned the Albion’s shirts, Southampton were sponsored by the less illustrious but better weathered Air Florida? See, some quirky facts are definitely
better than us ranting about Nigel Adkins. Again. WREXHAM / H / This time last year we’d played four excruciatingly frustrating matches to get to this stage of the FA Cup. This time we go straight into the third round with a tie against Wrexham from Wales. North Wales. The club still clearly need extra finances so Albion fans should fill Falmer to help a club that were exactly like us not all that long ago. Now the mascot at the Racecourse Ground is the aptly named Wrex the Dragon which fits perfectly with their actual name and their nickname of the Dragons. Before becoming the Dragons (it seems odd that most football sides seem to have changed their nickname - this text is brought to you by The Dolphin Love Review), they were known as the Robins and Wrexham had a mascot back then known as Rockin’ Robin. Robin had a wife and child called Tina Turfit (no, we don’t get it either) and Robinson - much like our very own Sally and Sammy. Legend has it that Rockin’ made an enemy of old manager Bryan Flynn by ‘riding his bike around the ground’. Of course, TSLR’s favourite ever mascot continues to be Gully’s Dad. TSLR
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The last fans leave the old Rainham End at Gillingham’s Priestfield Stadium after 2 years of Albion ‘home’ games at the grim venue. Soon after this 1999 photo, The Gills used the inflated rent profits to build a new stand on the site. Picture byStewart weir 1999
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BITTER & TWISTED My contribution this month is penned direct from my sick bed as I lie partly alert between bouts of semi –consciousness, hoping the earth will swallow me up whole. I suspect this to be the exact emotional condition of Casper the friendly but hapless ghost during and after his recent visit to the north east. The magnificent travelling contingent of 679 completed their 400 mile round trip muttering darkly about the January transfer window. Many will have recalled Michel Kuipers superb double save on the Albion’s last visit some years back, a feat now relived by an army of new fans in the Falmex pre-match build up. Whenever we see a defender spoon a simple clearance back into the six yard box or a striker slice a simple chance towards the corner flag we laugh. How then the curses heaped on the desperate goalie who spills a simple catch at the feet of a grateful forward? My concern at their plight is not brought about by any great philanthropic principles but by the scars I bear to this day due to my time as a youthful goalkeeper. Scars that lead me to be the upstanding and responsible member of society I am today and which also keep my therapist in the style to which he has become accustomed. The unique characteristics of the goalkeeper is that the poor wretch voluntarily puts himself directly in the line of fire. Why anyone would want to perform this service borders on the insane but a word or two by famous ex-goalkeepers might help solve the riddle. Albert Camus is always the first notary on the list. Camus was, of course, the one time custodian of the onion bag at Racing Universitaire d’Alger. (Pendants amongst you please note
this as entirely distinct from the Algerian national team.) Depending on whose website or t-shirt you are reading this one time existentialist, absurdist, anarchistic but certainly Gauloise smoking literary giant may have uttered the words ‘all that I know most surely about morality and obligations I owe to football’. Does that help? Possibly. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle might be of better service. He helped out between the sticks for one Portsmouth Association Football Club. It’s difficult to assess his prowess as the club folded in 1894 succeeded entirely independently by the Portsmouth we know, if not entirely love, today. His famous detective’s famous line whilst tapping out one’s pipe ‘elementary my dear Watson’ sounds altogether more like the kind of stiff upper lip the goalie of one’s team requires. Our final entry in this short piece must surely be able to trump all lucky crossings and talismans. Karol Józef Wojtya aka Pope John Paul II minded the posts at school and university before the Germans decided invasion would improve standards in the Polish football league. A pious lad from an early age his local team, Cracovia, appeared to win the league in 1949 through divine intervention, post war Poland having few other resources to rely on. The threat of excommunication might concentrate certain referees’ minds but the notion of papal infallibility would certainly be the trump card in any keepers kit bag. Short of a French Existentialist, a Victorian gentleman of impeccable manners or the top man of the cloth where should the Albion look for help. My simple advice is found in the words of non-goalkeeper Alexander (nonclerical) Pope ‘to err is human to forgive divine but don’t forget your lucky underpants’. TSLR
“The unique characteristics of the goalkeeper is that the poor wretch voluntarily puts himself directly in the line of fire.” TSLR035
MIDFIELD DIAMOND There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies and statistics. Of course, we are used to the first two in football. For example, whenever Wenger claims not to have seen the incident that led to an indefensible sending-off or Warnock says that he respects referees. But we can do without the third. Every match report nowadays, whether on TV, in the paper or on-line, is accompanied by loads of boring statistics. How many shots there were on and off target for each team, how many corners were won, how many fouls were conceded and, courtesy of a random number generator, percentage possession values. What is the point? The only statistic that matters is the score. Not only are they dull, these statistics cannot possibly give an accurate impression of the game. You cannot simply break the game down into a series of individual events that can be counted and analysed and presented. Matches involve passion, tension, competitiveness, flair and skill – elements of the game that cannot be measured by statisticians. As Gus would say, “Ees complicated.”
But I’m not interested. To me, they add as much to my enjoyment as knowing the number of words in a book or the number of middle Cs in a piece of music. In other words, nothing. My enjoyment of a match is more to do with great players illuminating the beautiful game with their ability to entertain, than with their ability to run fast or achieve a successful pass rate of 85%. We used to laugh affectionately at Motty’s stats in his commentary. “... and MacDonald becomes only the seventeenth left footed player to score in the Merseyside derby since 1963 ...” It was indicative of his geekiness and obsession with every detail of the game when such information was not readily available.
And it’s getting worse. We now have statistics on individual players. How many passes they made and the percentage that were completed. How far they ran during the game and at what speeds, with and without the ball. How many tackles won. How many headers. How much spittle they produced and the average volume per gob.
But now, we get to hear from TV pundits that Wolves have had more off-target headed attempts on goal than any other Premiership team. And the armchair fan in the pub tells you that the best player in the entire Premier League in terms of passes is a Swansea midfielder. Whoopee. The only statistics I’m interested in are those involving scores, points and positions in the League. And looking at the table as Christmas approaches, we are seventh in the Championship with 32 points after 20 games (at the time of writing), which seems pretty good to me. The entertainment hasn’t always been the best so far this season but seeing Championship football in our fantastic new stadium still fills me with excitement that cannot be measured.
I understand that today’s technology allows all this guff to be generated easily and some of it may be useful to a few professionals in the game such as performance analysts.
At this festive time, we should also consider others who are less joyful than us. For example, six out of every seven dwarves are not Happy. Statistically speaking, I mean. TSLR
“You cannot simply break the game down into a series of individual events ... As Gus would say, “Ees complicated.” TSLR035
Art and The Amex; How Corridor made our stadium pretty Albion fans have been spolt by the rich and empassioned art and design that makes The Amex concourses more akin to a gallery than a football fan’s pint and pie area. In light of Corridor - the Brighton studio behind the work - getting a feature in globally respected design magazine Creative Review, we caught up with their founder Phil Nutley to ask a few
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questions about how they made our ground so, well, pretty. Photographs courtesy of Stephen Cummiskey. TSLR: We know you_re Brighton based but how did the BHAFC / Corridor link up come about? Phil Nutley: We presented our vision to the club to involve as many fans to help us create the stadium interior concourses
at a meeting in Sept 2010. They liked this very much and awarded us the North and East stand concourse areas as a blank canvas for our ideas. Tell us a little about the brief the club gave you; was it daunting considering the size of the spaces and timescales? The brief was an open submission, Corridor came up with the ideas and
we had approx. 8 months to complete the work. We are used to working on global projects with tight deadlines so the size of the stadium was not an issue, it was could we find people to participate with us - Albion fans came forward in droves and it’s because of the spirit and energy of our community that you see what is in place today.
Continued over ... TSLR035
CORRIDOR It seems that Corridor has a specialism in linking design with the community; with something as far-reaching as a football club how did you got about organising and curating the vast ‘Albion community’? Many people have helped bring the ideas to life. As soon as we told people what our plans were, people were only too happy to help and get involved. I couldn’t name everyone but it ranged from the Club, AITC, Collectors Society, Schools, Colleges and hundreds of Albion fans. We’re not sure if you’re Albion fans specifically (you probably are now!) or even football fans. How much research did you have to do to capture the essence of being an Albion fan and what significant themes did you discover? Personally, I’ve been a fan since I walked along the Old Shoreham Road back in 1976 to watch Peter Ward play. But a number of people we met and participated with have be
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come Albion fans since, which is amazing to see. Of course we met people that are over 80 who remember the early years at the Goldstone, and others that were only to willing to tell us about their relatives, show us photos and recall some great moments. This certainly helped us with our memory wall installation in the North Stand. Football stadiums, especially new ones, are drab places. What elements were you keen to shake up the most and were you confident they would be well received? Our stadium uses cutting edge technology from the materials to the way people move and flow throughout the spaces. I think we had an easier job as our Amex Stadium is very well finished. However, it needed the thumbprint of the fans and the unique history of our club placing back in to the stadium, so hopefully Corridor and some of the other artists in the West Stands, have started to bring to life the new building. We haven’t finished either, so we are still working with the club to bring to life more of the areas over time.
The design work is fantastic; What considerations did you have to make in getting the right blend between creative, contemporary design and the traditional football aesthetic? Thank you. We have had a lot of very positive feedback from the fans and the club. Our inspiration comes from the content, the photos and the stories and people we met. We used our experience from working in the creative industry for a number of years to devise a look for the spaces and graphics. Our inspiration for how we displayed it was to say that we wanted to create a ‘Tate Modern for the South East’. Every image, every details was to be museum quality and we hope we have achieved that.
heard and saw and added further projects. As these progressed we ended up with 10 projects that created the 70 pieces of art and design in the East and North stand concourses. We estimated that over 150 people worked with Corridor to help bring these art and design pieces to life. We haven’t seen a project like it, and neither have the club, so we can all be very proud of the community creative. Will the project evolve or grow or was it meant to be in place for a prescribed period? Yes, we plan with the club to keep on curating the areas, over what time frame we are still thinking about that.
“Our inspiration for how we displayed it was to say that we wanted to create a ‘Tate Modern for the South East’”
Now it’s all up and you can see it in the environment it was meant for, what are your thoughts on the project? Does it seem different from how you imagined and how the fans would engage with the design?
It was a relief to be honest, we took on a massive project that at the beginning we thought would be a project with some of our local schools. We became very inspired by what we
the personalities.
Finally, what’s your favourite part and why? The Braille football poetry. It wasn’t a planned piece until we met the most amazing children and parents at a VI Football session run by AITC. It’s a very emotional piece and something we feel very strongly about. We played football with the VI team and got to know
We wanted to show that football is inclusive and has very strong roots. A game of football can break down a lot of social barriers and we hope to continue working with the teams and AITC. TSLR TSLR035
NOT-A-LOT LOTTO Many of us loyal Albion fans have been doing our bit over many years to add our bit to the Albion coffers (and desirous too of swelling our own personal coffers!) in partaking of the matchday gamble competition. In my time this operated on a 50-50 basis; 50% of the take to club funds with 50% as prize money.
Catchy, huh? Only a quid, good. First chance to win is the time of the 1st goal, you have a panel to rub off, as well as a Prize panel. Second chance is the Lucky Number Draw and then thirdly an Instant Win panel (trust me, they’re mostly no win, though I have won a programme).
It has always operated that way, both as the “Goldstone Gamble” at our former home and then, interestingly, introduced at Gillingham in our final season as the “Withdean Wager” and then continuing for a further 11 years at its namesake venue.
I excitedly won on the 1st Goal Time when CMS’s saved shot against Coventry bounced in off the defender on 06 minutes and am now the proud winner of a £5 Seagull Shop Lucky Ticket. That’s the last time I’ll ever get excited scratching a panel off our Albion HatTrick, ‘Three Chances To Win’.
Of course, we were really just donating to the club. However the prize money was always 50% of the sales - big gates meant higher prizes and the big winnings were an incentive that you hoped to maybe come your way. One day.
The Instant Win prizes include 20% off your bill at Donatello’s, a Pie, a Burger, a Hot Dog, and either one free adult entry to the Sea Life Centre or buy one get one free at the Sea Life Centre. Right now both have gotta be a bit crap, ‘cause the place is shut for refurbishment!
It touched this writer by just less than one degree of seperation as a certain editor of this ‘zine won a stonking 418 quid in 2001. Spent invariably on sweets and alcohol in equal measure, methinks.
But let’s have a look at the top prize money on offer in the Lucky Number Draw, now we’ve got gates touching 20,000 the money’s gonna be big!
So with high hopes I relished the prize money of the Falmer Flutter - I was certain that they’d use this nomenclature - as a minor aside to the early doors shenanigans of this epochal season. But now it’s time to draw your attentions to what is currently offered as a matchday draw. So sit up, nless you’re one of the rare TSLR buyers from the 1901 club who is already aware that it’s different for ‘them’. I’ll come back to that. This year we have been introduced to the Albion Hat-Trick, Three Chances To Win. TSLR035
Oh, ‘up to £500’. How do they work that out then? And this is where, as I mentioned earlier, it’s slightly different in the 1901 club. For their half time draw the top prize is a decent 1000 quid, as well as a magnum of Champagne for 2nd. 4th & 5th prize winners just get a plain old bottle of Champagne. To be honest, if you are a 1901 club member I’d chance my arm on a ticket. You’re getting much better odds than us plebians. Albion Hat-Trick? Three Chances To Win? Yeah, if a stadium burger is your idea of a prize! TSLR
WSL SNAPPER
As promised, a further installment of our staff photographer who cannot move from his WSL seat. Top marks for Kazenga’s crazy legs. TSLR035
$$$$$LIM PICKINGS FIRST things first I want to put on record that I love Norman Cook. I love his dancing in the video for Happy Hour. I love his hawaiian shirts. I love the fact he let me interview him when I was at college (the first proper celebrity I had ever gone mouth to dictaphone with in fact). I love that when he rang me up to say yes to that interview he didn’t mind waiting ten minutes
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while I ran home to find a pen to write his phone number down. I love that his real name is Quinten. I love his music. I love his live DJ sets. And, I particular love his big beats. But, and here is where I get in a confusing little muddle, I do not love the fact that he is charging £35 (£38.50 with booking fee) for his up-and-coming gigs at Brighton and Hove Albion’s new Amex Stadium.
The plan was always thus. He was there when the petitions were handed in at Downing Street. He was there on the protest marches during Labour Party conferences. He - and more importantly, his chequebook - were there when the club needed £500,000 quicksharp to fend off the need to sell Bobby Zamora as the striker reached the zenith of his goal-grabbing, league-winning-singlehandedly prowess. Now it seems he is going to be there for one almighty pay day. Albion’s new ground may well hold just 23,000 on match day, but that capacity is going to be upped to nearer 35,000 for his two-night run next year. It is unlikely he will sell-out both nights, despite all-star support from the likes of Carl Cox. But, even if the ground is left with 10,000 less tickets sold over the pair of gigs, he will still be spinning his wheels of steel to around 60,000. At £35 a pop. My maths is questionable, but my PC’s calculator handily tells me that works out at about £2.1million. Even after running costs are taken into account that works out at quite a wad of wonga to be taking home. He clearly won’t be having to lug any of his old 12 inch
es down to Cash Converters just yet. And what, many will ask, is the problem with that? He put his money where his mouth was when former chairman Dick Knight came calling with his begging bowl. Cook himself was quick to point out that all he got for his £500,000 Zamora cash was a free parking space (the story goes that one afternoon over coffee Knight said to Cook, “Either someone gives us half a mil or we sell Bobby,” to which Cook signed a cheque there and then). His record label, Skint, also sponsored the Albion through the club’s lean years when nobody else would be associated with the struggling outfit. That tie-in also gave newspapers the great shot of the Albion (backed by Skint) playing Barnet (backed by Loaded), although that can’t compare to the time when a tabloid caught a Brighton defensive wall lining up with the players names reading Oatway Rents Cox. My issue then is not the fact Cook is getting a reward for his efforts. It is that it is at the expense of many of the people who worked just as hard - and in many instances harder - than the superstar DJ to secure the club’s future. Speaking to the
“My issue then is not the fact Cook is getting a reward for his efforts. It is that it is at the expense of many of the people who worked just as hard as the superstar DJ to secure the club’s future” TSLR035
$LIM PICKINGS BBC after announcing the gigs earlier this month, Cook said, “The club’s been through so much and right now we’re on about the biggest high that I can remember. There is a slight pressure, because it is the first gig, that it’s got to be good because the Amex could be a venue for major shows.
Nowhere in the mooting though was the issue of stumping up £35 raised. In fact, up until recently the story was very much that it would be a free celebration for Seagulls fans - not a cash cow for a celebrity follower. And a former Palace fan at that.
“There’s nothing in Sussex bigger than the Brighton Centre. A lot of the big bands just leave us out on the tours, so I’m kind of flying the flag and if it goes well, the Amex will become a venue for big acts to come to.
As far back as that first interview I did with Cook, he was happy to divulge that he was a relatively recent convert to the Good Ship Albion. Having grown up in Reigate, Cook was a Palace fan. He stopped going to Selhurst, he told me, when the hooliganism got too bad.
“It will be total celebration of my relationship with Brighton, the city, the parties we’ve done on the beach, but also a celebration for all Albion fans, that we’ve got this lovely stadium.”. Those parties on the beach were mammoth occasions. Tens of thousands of people flocked to see Cook working his magic on Brighton seafront. In fact, one show drew an estimated crowd of more than 200,000. And, as Cook recently confirmed, the powers that be at Brighton had always promised him the opening night in any new stadium. It was something the fans were all looking forward to.
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Years later, living down in sunny Sussex-bythe-Sea, a friend took him to the Goldstone and he has been Brighton ever since. Not a life-long fan then (despite what plenty of papers and websites have written recently) but a valued one nevertheless. “For me to go in and play a gig in our shiny new stadium,” he told fans, “is the biggest honour of my life.” It might also be one of his biggest pay days and one quite a few Brighton fans may baulk at the cost of joining in with. TSLR
MEADE’S BALL There is a chap at my work, a chap who has a slightly sharky feature in his lipless and jagged-toothed grin, who I have found it impossible to label internally as anything but my nemesis. He’s no rival. I don’t wish for an item of his life or a letter of his professional title or a penny of his earnings or a step of his ungainly swagger. There has to be something about him, maybe something deep inside him that I’ve failed to name or wished to, that I’m simply completely averse to. When entering the office I lurk to impress in, he sometimes tours it briefly with a series of blank hellos to anyone in earshot. He comes around to my desk, perhaps unknowing of my insides squirming, the butterflies so regularly dining on my nervous stomach lining arming up at my angry brain’s insistence and ready to defend, and greets me. Our hands damply and limply clasp as I partly beg for my telephone to urgently ring and deter this man from conversing in my direction.
Of course this man of little charm is no poison-umbrellaed villain whose evildoings I must prevent as the hero of this piece. He’s simply another human who for some reason or other secretly and more than likely undeliberately irks me and has me wish for him to choke for a second or more on his next futile word. As you can see, he gets my goat. If I had one. Although one day I might get one as I like their little beards. Anyway, I thought this fellow would be my one and only lifelong foe, but sadly I’m learning at the Amex that another might have appeared. He’s probably not in the same evil league as The Heinous Hammerhead, as I’ll call my work”mate”, but this individual’s souring mannerisms are gnawing at my all-too-close eardrums game after game. We’ll unlikely ever speak, this new fiend and I, much like I wish my colleague and I never would again, and never come to blows, but I can feel the goat-tether loosening from one’s grip and into the devilish palms of the other. Perhaps nearing the season’s end I’ll listen in to conversations of seat-renewal and calculate how far to go to be out of his verbal range in 2012-13. I’d most certainly stay where I am if I were to spot a stranger with Meade’s_Ball-hating eyes in my vicinity and I took a liking to being someone’s smouldering bane. Or without question if HH found other employment, moved on, went in search of another person to subtly incense. The cheat. TSLR
“I don’t wish for his life’s demise, but I do not want him near me. Over time he’s become the Penguin to my Batman, the Adkins to my Poyet”
No such luck. I fake the earnesty of a “how are you?” and listen as hard as I can with the ear I hear worse with at his answer. I nod and glance upwards. He departs and I anger myself with the partial interest I have pretended to show in his words. I don’t wish for his life’s demise, but I do not want him near me, this natural nemesis of mine. Over time he’s more become the Penguin to my Batman, the Adkins to my Poyet, or the Herr Flick of the Gestapo to my Renee.
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THE HOVIAN I’ve not been to an Albion game since the 0-0 draw at Birmingham, as I’m part of the uber-cool working abroad jet set (a bellend then). I’ve only managed to follow the team through the internets and email. So, with it being Chrimbo and stuff, let me regale you with my second (or joint) love – menswear. Some say Christmas is rubbish, too commercial and hijacked by big business. I’m not denying that it is, but who gives a shit? The plusses far outweigh the minuses. Everyone is on the shant, the telly is superb, and people give you presents. That last one is shite actually, socks, smellies and shite DVDs mostly. Utter Crap. It’s the thought that counts. So, to counter this – treat yourself to the good stuff – that’s right, after getting your missus her products from Boots, and ankle warmers for your Nan – get yourself kitted out in some great winter smother.
IN : Red Wing Boots, Stone Island Shadow Project (fuck what anyone else says, it’s IN right?), Cabourn, Casual Connoisseur (their bobble hats are as rare as rocking horse shit, I have two of course), Gorilla Boots, Esemplare, Clarks (this year, every year until eternity), Velour from Sweden, RL, Timberland. OUT : Socks from your Nan, everything in Top Man, Superdry, North Face, everything in the Seagulls Shoppe (apart from those car air fresheners, they’re boss), Caterpillar, Diesel , Firetrap, Gio Goi, and finally Penfield – it used to be an ok label, but it’s way too abundant on the street these days. Avoid.
“Winter is THE season for dressers; layers upon layers of smart togs, all laid out ready for the train, the shant and the match at some northern bombsite”
Winter is THE season for dressers, layers upon layers of smart togs, all laid out ready for the train, the shant and the match at some northern bombsite. DAZZLE those trogs from Ay-oopistan in your Saturday Finest, it’s what away matches are all about. It’s always a good thing to clear out your wardrobe from time to time, get some of the old stuff on the ‘bay and refit your life. Put the Lacoste & adidas in storage for next summer and get ready with your cold weather staples. Here’s a guide to what’s ‘In’ and what’s definitely ‘Out’ this winter (this is my personal list, if you think it’s shite you are either a git or a fun boy, or both). TSLR035
If you’re reading this you’re probably a fanzine buff, or at least have a passing interest in fanzines. So here’s another idea for Xmas, where your loved ones can buy you something without embarrassing your sense of style - picking up a copy of ‘The End’.
There wouldn’t be a ‘TSLR’, a ‘Boy’s Own’, a ‘Gull’s Eye’, a ‘When Saturday Comes’, or even (not as impressively) a ‘Loaded’ or ‘FHM’ without this pioneering early 80’s Liverpool fanzine. They might still exist, but none of them would be quite the way they are today. The End was co-edited by Peter Hooton, he of ‘The Farm’ fame, and was the first mag to join up the music/football/beer themes in one humourous, blokesy way. ‘Scallies’ ‘Teds’ (yesteryear’s whoppers), ‘Joe Wag’, legends of fanzine history, they’re all in here in one collected edition. The book is for sale online at www.sabotagetimes.com and possibly now even Amazon, “Buy it you mingebags!” Have a Happy Christmas. TSLR
From the Authors of Build A Bonfire
If you’ve bought this fanzine then Paul Hodson and Steve North’s essential new book WE WANT FALMER! is probably already on your Christmas List! But if not ... Available in the Seagulls Shops and Amazon.co.uk Go and buy one today!
CARTER Merry Christmas you filthy animals. Below are a few loosely Albion related snippets for your reading pleasure. Think of this article as a stocking of small gifts to see you into the festive period. I don’t know about you, but as a kid, rather than larger presents, I much preferred sitting in bed on Christmas morning playing with my little bits... The announcement of 2,402 of aways fans at the Nottingham Forest game was followed by chants from the South Stand of ‘you only came for the Forest’. To which the reply from one gentleman in the WSU came: ‘That’s what my Wife keeps telling me’. Being a modern and caring father, I didn’t completely show my apathy at Mrs.Carter’s suggestion that we attend the Brighton Baby Expo. Although she probably didn’t miss my eyes light up when told that the venue was none other than the American Express Community Stadium. Set within the concourses of the South and East stands, the Expo brought peddlers of baby related products from far and wide to hundreds of scared and gullible expectant and current parents. I found it slightly weird to be inside the Amex on a non-match day and to see so many babies in one place. The last time there was that much shit and dribbling in the South Stand was when it was filled with visiting Palace fans.This represented a good opportunity to show my 11-month son around the place he’ll hopefully call home one day and to mooch around looking at the brilliant artwork. Although, it was a bit disappointing not to see the Albion selling kid’s merchandise there, as I would have inevitably bought a BHA nappy or baby grow and maybe something for my son as well. Given the amount of breast-feeding occuring within the stadium that day, I’m also upset that I’ve only thought in hindsight of how hilarious a shout of ‘get your tits out for the lads’ would have been. In the midst of the backlash against
Suarez, regarding charges for allegations he racially abused Man United’s Patrice Evra, United Latest, ‘the second largest fan-run Red Devils blog’, requested this of its followers via Twitter: ‘Please contact Brighton & Hove Albion to ask for the resignation or termination of manager Gus Poyet, the racist. feedback@bhafc.co.uk’. Now, I’ve always found the Club to be pretty accommodating with most requests - even touchingly so at times however, last time I checked they weren’t in the habit of killing off staff members. Ever wondered what happened to Kevin Mcleod? Me neither. Couldn’t help feeling a bit sorry for AFC Totton’s Mike Gosney after the Southern League Premier Division Club’s recent FA Cup second round defeat to Bristol Rovers. Usually, the commentators and papers are fairly discreet about the professions of lower league underdogs; Dave’s a plumber from Abbotswood, Geoffs a Baby Expo organiser from Eastleigh, you know the sort of thing. However, the ITV crew seemed to constantly remind viewers that Gosney works as a chef at TGI Friday, Park Gate, Fareham. If people are going to know exactly where you work, you’d better hope you can live down the embarrassment of being on the end of a 6-1 mauling from a team that has Scott McGleish on thier books. All of this is seemingly irrelevant, until you realise that the Albion were reportedly one of the clubs keeping tabs on the Totton left winger back in March this year. The interest from Millwall, Bournemouth and Aldershot amongst others seems to have dropped, but who knows, Gosney could have cooked up some skills as the next Albion nonleague luminary in the mould of ShaneMcFaul, Chris Holroyd and Jonny Dixon And I’ll finish with an obligatory cracker-style joke... I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered a bacon roll during the 1983 FA Cup final. TSLR TSLR035
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