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+ 0 9 TSLR037 / February 2012 / ÂŁ1

THE SEAGULL LOVE REVIEW

TSLR A collection of badly edited Albion related-ish drivel that will roll up and fit in you back pocket

EBAY GOLD

This is both beautiful and ugly, a classic Albion merchandise oxymoron to file next to those post-modern Seagull rave t-shirts from the early 90s (if you have one, let us know) and either of the pink away strips. In the run up to the Cup Final all those years ago we can imagine a flurry of souvenir-based activity over taking the then towns. On one side there would be the chance to produce something nice to commemorate the occasion, but TSLR037

on the other would be the classic Brightonian craft of rushing something out to satisfy the proles; a club shop bungaroosh if you will.

This example (ÂŁ8.00) is quite attractive with that psychedelic typeface and Hitchcockian flock of winged beasts, but the stapled accompaniment that places it in the cup-fever category is pure, unadulterated Seagull Shop magnificence. TSLR

TSLR037 The Seagull Love Review is an independent Brighton and Hove Albion Magazine.

Issue 37, February 2012.

The views expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views of the Editors, or The Seagull Love Review.

We do hate Palace though, officially.

EDITORS NOTES So, what did we learn this month? Well, that we’re pretty good at football for one; that trying to beat the traffic by leaving on 85 minutes is a fools habit; and that maybe Crystal Palace just isn’t worth it anymore The empty seats at Selhurst Park for our away match at Palace certainly took the grudge out of the fixture, and though the Met have been busy dealing with complaints from both sets of supporters in reaction to the police presence at the game, the whole thing left us with a kind of ‘meh’ feeling.

Thanks this issue to BM, TS, BM, KK, GC, SW, SH, DL, LE, NB, DS, GE, AW, TC Edited by SS and SS Artwork by SS, ML Printed by MCR Print of Hove www.mcrprint.co.uk TSLR is printed using eco-friendly paper and ink apparently.

The Seagull Love Review 19 City Heights, Manchester M1 7AX tslr@hotmail.co.uk

Perhaps the extreme cold, the recession, the fear of violence or just the abject meloncholy on Murray’s face kept the home fans at home. On the other hand, after beating us so soundly at The Amex, maybe the game just isn’t such a big deal for them up the road.

The fanzine is a good one this month. thank you to all our contributors for their fantastic writing. Highlights include an extended London Road report, another interesting take on the whole homophobia thing and some great posters from Lewes FC who really are doing some cool things these days.

Hope you enjoy the issue, and thanks for keeping us going with your £1.

Up The Albion!

S+S

www.theseagulllovereview.com http://twitter.com/tslr Signed off 0801 07/02/2012 TSLR037

CONTENTS 2 eBay gold / 5 what’s hot what’s not / 6 news in brief / 8 flairwatch / 9 marco van bastard / 10 reviews / 14 previews / 18 london road calling / 22 think like poyet / 24 PGBGG / 25 midfield diamond / 26 lewes posters / 28 bitter & twisted / 30 meade’s ball / 31 carter Your weekend footy fix starts here...

For all your Albion news, opinion, interviews, malicious tittle-tattle and some downright fibbing, tune into

THE ALBION ROAR Every Saturday from 12pm til 1pm on Radio Reverb 97.2FM (if you’re in Brighton/Hove)

or at www.radioreverb.com

Missed the show?

Listen again at www.albionroar.co.uk or on iTunes The Albion Roar is a guaranteed Phil Collins-free zone AND we have far better studio guests than every other show. FACT.

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WHAT’S HOT WHAT’S NOT

Mendoza’s..

Original.

Elphick, Dunk, Sampayo, Rodgers, Barker Anyone else look at those five players and cant help think that would be a great 5 a side team.

A decent striker, energetic midfield and a solid defence. Stroking balls across the back, hard to keep a clean sheet, deadly in the box. The future looks bright. Encouraging.

Will Buckley He is so good that according to the official Football League Statistics page he has scored more goals than he achieved shots on target.

Buckley is so good he could win The FA Cup on his own, blind folded, with Man flu. Buckley bought a new snowboard, that’s why it started snowing. Buckley can change the font of a full stop. When Buckley was born, he drove his mum home from the hospital. Buckley uses an iPad3. Buckley killed the Dead Sea. Hero.

The Romance Of The FA Cup People said the competition is going down hill a bit, but to us it has been amazing. Without the FA Cup how else would we have had the chance to see Leon Best, Stewart Downing, Andy Carroll and Glenn Little play live in the flesh. It’s also another chance to gain 3 valuable points. Barnes.

Ashley Barnes Barnes had got some stick from a few fans of late, but his MOM display and penalty against Palace meant he redeemed himself. More importantly it meant we didn’t have to deal with the humiliation of losing to Palace twice in one season. Saviour. “We scored one, they scored one, Brighton take it up the bum!”

The Premier League The team that won 7-1 at the weekend beat the side who won 3-2 against the side who beat the 7-1 winners, 8-2. The 8-2 winners lost 6-1 against the side who lost 2-1 to the 8-2 winners beat 3-1. But the 2-1 losers beat the 7-1 winners 1-0, who beat the 2-1 winners 5-3.

We could be a part of that! Promotion.

Norwich City First they took Andrew Crofts, then Elliott Bennett, then they went after Liam Bridcutt.

I know we out bid them for Liam Dickinson, which meant they had to buy Grant Holt instead, but they are taking the piss! Maybe they didn’t take too kindly to heart that we outbid them for Chris Holroyd too. Grudges.

Dilemma One of our very finest Gully’s Girls has a lovely sister who is also a cheerleader. Only problem is that she is a Crystal. It is our very own Montague and Capulet type situation.

Controversial.

Ugg Boots Gus went on record saying he hated them.

Will Hoskins took a gamble and wore a pair to training. He then returned home from training to find out he was being loaned to Sheffield United for the rest of the season. Never mess with Gus! Dictator.

African Cup Of Nations Premier League managers hate that it’s played during the season, and now I see why. It has robbed the good people of The Amex crowd the chance to not only see Cheick Tiote in action, but also THE Demba Ba. Scandalous!

ESPN I was one of the 244 people who travelled to Wrexham on a cold Wednesday for a game on TV. Not ONCE did they get me on camera, not once! AMATEURS! TSLR

NOT HOT

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We’re jolly proud of ourselves this month.

The cover of TSLR036 not only meant we shamed Vicente into returning from Spain. It also meant El Puñal crossed beautifully for that Buckley winner against Leicester.

Another January transfer window passed us by with a couple of decent signings but, more importantly, we managed to hold on to everyone and Noone. We have spent much of this season willing Norwich to survive in the top flight with all their Albion rejects packing out the midfield but now they’ve been linked with our best player for the third time in three seasons, we can all watch MOTD hoping they slip down a division. Not that we need Elliott Bennett back now we have William Buckley – there’s only one song, it would never work.

In many articles penned (well typed these days) for this season’s NIBs column we have referenced how Falmer is dragging Sussex through this economic crisis and we have more evidence this month. The University of Sussex is making an absolute mint out of renting out parking spaces on Saturdays for visitors of the country’s best (and newest) football stadium. Tony Bloom is officially the new George Osborne.

ESPN loves the Albion and we’re starting to love them too with our four match unbeaten record in the FA Cup over the past two seasons. However, it is clearly not publically funded and feels no need to have any impartiality – guests at the Newcastle cup tie were John Barnes, who used to play for Newcastle and Steve Harper, who played one month for

NEWS IN BRIEFS

february 2012

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the Albion but has been a Geordie for his entire life. Luckily we were too busy watching the replay of the match trying to work out who Gus was referring to as ‘Bocker’. It’s William Buckley. Obviously.

Des Lynam said ahead of the visit to Croydon that we should stop singing ‘stand up if you hate P****e’ as ‘hate has no place in football’.

You could have told us that when we first started watching football 20 odd years ago - we’d have found another hate filled pastime to fill that void.

Unfortunately there is no fanzine equivalent anymore so our awards have never quite made it the mantelpiece here at TSLR Towers but our congratulations must be given to the producers of the Albion programme, Seagull.

The glossy (and, incidentally, three times more expensive than a fanzine) publication was given the thumbs up in a survey of second tier club programmes undertaken by the Football Collectable, National Memorabilia Magazine and Programme Monthly. Obviously it’s not informal or jovial enough for us.

A new term was coined

by TSLRites this month – when the scary looking but diving veteran does something positive, you are more than welcome to scream ‘wellAbd’.

One of the controversial other options for a new stadium other than Falmer was situated in the land around Brighton Station. It was later ruled out over space and finance issues as well as the threat it would have brought to increas-

ing town centre congestion. But, in a bizarre way, the site has still become the home for Albion – for new signings’ lodgings. New players these days seemingly have to put up with a Jury’s Inn complete with its poor restaurant in the hotel they’ve plonked at Brighton Station.

It was here that an incident that is now in the hands of the police allegedly took place. You have to wonder, should we have been more supportive of moving there – it would have saved on the current legal bills no end.

Talking of the long arm of the law, Albion’s squad now boasts an incredible eight players who have had problems with the police. Following the West Bromwich loan signings at the end of January this number looks like staying for awhile yet. Of the accused, Matty Sparrow has served time in prison; Gonzalo Jara has been fined whilst already banned from driving and Joe Mattock was charged with beating up four people in 2009. And of course there’s the incident that took place in July.

Luckily none of these offences happened near football matches – otherwise Gus would have Football League banning orders to contend with as well as police investigations.

Sussex Police have warned those who walk along the grass verges of the A27 when getting to and from Falmer that they are ‘dicing with death’. Well actually Mr Policeman, we’ve already done just that this season (when walking from a TSLRite’s house) so perhaps you should consider building a safe pavement before moaning. Either that or let us ‘dice with death’ – it’s definitely worth risking your life to see this Albion side, officer.

The Newcastle match was great for a number of reasons but none more so than the thought of the last time an Alan Pardew side beat an Albion one. So we dusted off our BHACHS results book and started looking, hoping it would be something preposterous like 1987.

Unfortunately not - he was West Ham manager when they comfortably beat us 3-0 in the FA Cup in November 2004 and he beat us as Reading manager as well not long before that.

We’re clearly not delving any further.

There was sad news in the death of Ray Reeves this month – the first Albion fan we’ve heard of having a reception at Falmer with a wreath being laid on his North Stand seat. When at Coventry in the tail end of 2011 we happened to notice a memorial garden situated outside the ground for people to leave their respects for fallen loved ones. This idea simply has to be considered outside Falmer.

We featured it in the last issue of TSLR but it took the club’s email marketing department a fair while to finally get round to promoting its own Health and Wellbeing Centre. They spammed us almost three weeks after TSLR036 hit the streets of Sussex. And they didn’t even include any hilarious pictures of Tommy Elphick and Adam ElAbd grasping the latest issue of the Albion’s favourite (and only) fanzine.

Don’t forget to purchase a copy of the Liverpool fanzine Red All Over the Land (RAOTL) when visiting that shoddy old football ground this month. It’s a decent read plus if you mention TSLR they’ll have to guiltily buy one of our fanzines too.

And finally, we’ve received news that we have the chance to play at Falmer ourselves.

Unfortunately, Gus didn’t see us performing admirably in the park and is taking a chance on a couple of weathered 20-something year olds. Falmer will be hosting a charity six-aside tournament on Sunday 25 March (the day after Forest away) for a charity in Rwanda and for just £40 you can get involved. Not only will there be a mighty trophy to win but you never know, Mr Oatway maybe scouting from the West Stand Upper. TSLR TSLR037

FLAIRWATCH Then I will take my rightful “Soon all tricks). place at the throne of my new flair empire, with Gus at my side. will bow One player I’m very happy to see in Brighton shirt is young Norwegian before us astriker Toby Agdestein. When I heard we had signed a Norwegian wonYes, ladies and gentlemen one of and will be derkid, I was obviously excited. My FlairWatch’s favourite sons........ mind immediately started dreaming the man they call the ‘dagger’ is F O R C E D of someone like Tore Andre Flo or back, and he’s packing a quite Jan Aage Fjortoft- you know, proper frankly excessive amount of ven- to conform WORLD CLASS strikers. Unluckgeance with him, as he prepares ily for Toby, he couldn’t break into to tear this division several new side last year, mainly due to Fran with our the arseholes.

Sandaza’s sparkling form (incidentally I think any argument about With the flair Spaniard fit and flair agen- how poor the SPL really is has been ready, I believe we are almost unconcluded by the fact that Sandaza stoppable. His elegance, pin point da- or face seems to actually be quite good in passing and skills to pay the bills that sorry excuse for a league), but with leave Championship defend- very harsh has recently started to make his ers quaking in their boots. mark.

We’re now in with a serious c o n s e - By my reckoning, we are quite close chance of play-off GLORY and to completing ‘the set’ of Nordic I am beginning to believe. With quences” players. Toby is our Norwegian, In the words of Eminem: “Guess who’s back? Back again? Vicente’s back, tell a friend.... guess who’s back guess who’s back guess who’s back guess who’s back something something something”.

Kazenga skilling it up down the left wing, Gonzalo doing some trademark rampages down the right, Vicente pulling the strings in the middle, and Buckley netting more last minute winners, we’re borderline unbeatable.

we’ve also obviously got Casper as our Dane, Rami Shaaban is our Swede and Ivar Ingimarsson our Icelander.....all we need now is a Finn (bring back Jari Litmannen from retirement?) and a Faroe Island.....person, and we’ve completed the set.

I think the Premier League is the right stage for our flair army, and once we make that final push, we will conquer all with a ruthlessness that will make the 1800’s British Empire look soft.

We’re also getting closer and closer to nailing the South American set, which I’m naturally VERY excited about. The acquisition of the brilliant sounding David Gonzalez means that we have now had: Argentina (Turienzo, Baz, Battipiedi, Tarrico); Brazil (Branco); Chile (Reyes); Colombia (Gonzalez); and Uruguay (Arismendi). Some may be wanting Premier League football to be the ultimate accomplishment of Gus’ tenure....me? All I’m hoping for is a Bolivian, Ecuadorian, Paraguayan, Peruvian and a Venezuelan..........is that really too much to ask for Gus? TSLR

Soon all will bow before us and will be FORCED to conform with our flair agenda- or face very harsh consequences (mainly involving Tony Yeboah smashing their sorry carcasses into the top corner (off the crossbar) before making them sit in front of Mario Balotelli while he does hours and hours worth of magic TSLR037

MARCO VAN BASTARD even the more dilapidated “ A l b i o n but grounds – Pompey, say – have hints of charm Selhurst fans get- certain seemed completely devoid of. ting a I guess what I’m saying is it’s I wasn’t exactly expecting a trip easier to have a rivalry when you to the Tate, nor was I expecting slap feel like there’s something to envy for Palace fans to generously nosh on or hate, and I didn’t really feel my undersized balls while feeding either up there, it was just a shit no reason me sun-ripened grapes, but surely, day out from start to finish. I think somewhere along the line, we I’ll save my £50 next time. are all doing this for enjoyment? other than What part of Selhurst could you There are more positive reasons enjoy? From the desolate streets t ra i p s i n g to apologise for gibbering about to their rabid handful of fans to the psychoville aftermath and the n e r v o u s - the catering in last month’s issue – things definitely seem reports of Albion fans getting a slap have improved, whether by for no reason other than traipsing ly down tocoincidence or the Azure ranks nervously down urban streets, the whole day was horrible and I wish u r b a n quaking into more determined efficiency under an avalanche of I hadn’t bothered, intense rivalry or not. moaning bastards. The pies are s t r e e t s . fat, pretty pleasing, I reckon, although This leads me on to an epilogue they’ve got a long pastry crust to about my nobbish griping last The whole go before they beat the veggie balti month – never again will I complain at Chelsea, which took me was beauties about the queues at the Amex, God day most of the first half to demolish at bless the stoners I’ve occasionally grumped at behind the Falmer tills, h o r r i b l e Stamford Bridge a few weeks ago (free tickets…don’t shoot…) at least they’re relatively happy compared to the four people faced and I wish Wrexham aside, every game has with serving 500 at Selhurst. a joy since I necked a hipflask I hadn’t been of Southern Comfort at half-time Back before the McShane 1-0 during the Southampton game, I vividly remember drafting a bothered, fearful of disaster. Shame most of bemused letter to Simon Jordan us can’t make Liverpool, it’s that pondering the necessity of charging rare ground most younger fans intense ri£30 to go to a ground that was far haven’t been to, but 4.30pm on from futuristic. These days most Sunday is ridiculous when you or acould Championship clubs seem to charge valry watch our probable defeat roughly that price, but even at all the with a pub lunch for a tenth of the generic grounds you know you’re not.” total cost. The fans who are going guaranteed a certain palatable What a lovely day out we had in Sarf London, eh? I didn’t want to go, but did it because I got a cheap ticket and (for once) had mates to go with on the train.

quality of experience. Perhaps I’m just soured by the air of dispiriting menace that hung around the place,

are heroes (or rich), and let’s hope they get equal heroics on the pitch.

Up the Albion. TSLR TSLR037

REVIEWS BRISTOL CITY / H / Albion welcomed a well supported Bristol City to Falmex hoping to get the disappointment of the previous draw with the mighty Wrexham out of our systems. It was a historic day as the first player to play a professional game at the Amex that also played at the Goldstone was between the posts for City in the shape of the disappointingly afro-less David James. Some might spit at me for saying this but I have much admiration for Scott McGleish for being such a run of the mill footballer for so long and for the way he has taken all the abuse we have given him over the years (unfairly, so it seems, as I am led to believe it was Carl Griffiths who was the main goading Orient wanker on that dramatic day at the Goldstone). I for one would welcome a league cup draw next season against Bristol Rovers or whatever tinpot club he is turning out for then just to see him complete fixtures against us at all four of our ‘home’ ground. No goals, amateurish backflips, or gun finger celebrations though.

I digress merely because this was such a stroll for Albion that we only had to break from our conversations to: 1) Enjoy Calde’s long range screamer. 2) Laugh at Chris Wood. 3) Witness Buckley take advantage of some defensive dilly-dallying to score with style. A mate usually backs Calde to score first or last each game after last season’s net bothering antics, but before this game he had become so fed up with returning his slip to the bookies for a refund he failed to capitalise on our Basque hero’s arrow in the top corner! One of the extended TSLR family has got wood for Chris Wood and after hearing about how he was going to ‘terrorise’ the Albion the poor anarchist was severely reprimanded for the second time this season having previously been laughed out of Birmingham after our draw up there.

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At the previous home game I am proud to say I completed the hat-trick: 3 different pies before, halfway, and after the game. I didn’t mean to do it but when rumour spread of the mystical ‘free pie man’ and his eventual frenzy inducing appearance I only had to pluck Xmas flavour from his tray to claim the match pie.

So after this game we waited…and waited… and waited for our hero to return. Alas we were the last in the North Stand Atrium when the shutters began to fall and we, the last customers, were asked to move on. When questioning why our hero had not returned we were hilariously told the guy had been sacked as the pies he was carrying were not free and he lost £200 worth of stock after someone shouted ‘scrambles!’ Still the legend of ‘free pie man’ will have a place in our hearts, minds, and bellies for years to come.

WREXHAM / A / Like sex and charades, watching football is a pursuit best enjoyed in the company of others. The distance, the Wednesday night kick-off, the game being televised and the fact the game had been rearranged at a day’s notice meant I was the only TSLRite in attendance; so whilst usually an hour before kick-off I’d be in the pub with my mates finishing off a prematch beer and discussing expectations for the game, at Wrexham I was sat in the ground, on my own, reading Pride and Prejudice.

This game only came about due to the Albion’s third failure in two seasons to beat a non-league team at home. Strangely these home draws seem to be necessary preludes for successful cup runs (as we again this season reach the 5th round). Gus had picked a young team for the home game but he fielded a fullstrength side for the replay, with a home tie against Newcastle at stake for the winners.

The Wrexham fans were expectantly up for the game and created a good atmosphere. Just

JAN / FEB a shame the huge terrace was closed, as seeing that full would have been some sight.

Despite the strong line-up we started the game poorly and went behind when their manager fired into the top-corner from the edge of the box. Ashley Barnes equalised for us late in the game through probably our only wellworked move of the game. Both sides could have won it in extra-time: Agdestein missed a gilt-edged chance, and Wrexham headed just over in the final seconds.

Albion triumphed on penalties, scoring all five kicks, with Brezovan saving Wrexham’s tame first effort. The winning kick wasn’t met with the usual jubilation though, Wrexham probably deserved the win after at least matching a team three divisions higher than them over 210 minutes.

Due to the game going to extra-time I missed my last train back home. I avoided a night in Wales due to very nice man who gave me a lift back to Birmingham, so if you’re reading this- thanks again!

NEWCASTLE UNITED / H / Everywhere they go the Geordies take the weather with them, or so I thought whilst freezing my nuts off selling this rag before our FA Cup round 4 encounter. I was a little disappointed with the fact Newcastle didn’t bring their allowed 15% allocation just to see a corner full of away as well as behind the goal but I was even more disappointed with the Toon Army’s very quiet displays of support throughout the game. I laughed as Newcastle entered the pitch in their CHANGE strip - you know the one you wear when you can’t wear your home kit - that consisted of the colours black and white (sake!). They made the early running and should have scored when Leon Best (!) dragged a great chance wide. That man Best (!) had another decent chance but

ballooned his header over shortly after.

Then the Will Buckley show began as he made a couple of dangerous darts into the opposition area.

Best had his final chance just into the second half but the man that looks more solid than Casper’s arteries Brez saved well with his long feet. Everyone thought El-Abd was up to his usual tricks after clutching his face following a challenge with Cabaye but replays showed Cabaye doing his best Balotelli impression with a stud into Adam’s mouth! Then Buckley picked the ball up well inside his own half, nutmegged the full back and sprinted to the penalty area, easily beating another defender and his shot that was going well wide hit a Newcastle foot and flew in. We went crazy!

Before the game someone told me about Buckley’s incredible shots-to-goals ratio, with something like 5 goals out of 5 genuine shots on target! Now with this non-shot on target going down as Buckley’s he can claim a 120% ratio! Newcastle had half chances before the 5 minutes of added time were played out to a deafening wall of whistles and the round 5 spot was sealed.

So we just beat a decent Premier League side, quite comfortably, and no-one was that surprised really. Coming to the Amex really has been quite wonderful so far this season (bar one little hiccup we won’t mention). All the late arrivals had a wonderful sing song on the train home and there were a few fake Geordies about giving it the big ‘un about their Premiershit status...if we hang on to Buckley it could still be us next year: ‘Newcastle, on a Tuesday night…!’

CRYSTAL PALACE / A / When the fixtures were released pre-season probably the 1st away game most of us looked for was the return to the Croydon slums, for our first visit since 2005 and the scene of a glorious late winner by Paul McShane in the TSLR037

REVIEWS previous encounter – one of my favourite Albion supporting moments of all time and in stark contrast to the humiliation of our 2002 shambles. Both teams have been performing relatively well this season and only 4 points separated us before the game, though after the travesty of the FFS Murray match at Falmer, the scum had all the bragging rights after our pathetic second half capitulation.

At my workplace I have the somewhat dubious pleasure of sitting next to a palace fan, one of those annoying ones I always seem to meet that is actually alright and reasonably knowledgeable about football in stark contrast to the many plasticy premiership fans here. As a collective I can’t stand them but individually they always fool me by not being complete tossers.

Pre-match was spent at the market porter in London bridge at which many drinks were consumed in preparation for the nights hostilities until they stopped serving due to unruly singing. It was hardly our fault that one of the barman bore an uncanny resemblance to Gary Hart and was regaled in song as a result. The lack of further drinks meant that our traditional pre-match tequilas (a winning superstition dating from our previous victory here) were put on hold until one tslrite showing unaccustomed foresight got a bottle for drinking on the train and ensuring we wouldn’t suffer a defeat.

Before the game started we were treated to a selection of fine entertainment from our pikey Croydon friends : A bit of dancing from Stevie Coppell’s no doubt illegitimate vd ridden daughters / a nice eagle thing that flew around a bit and scared Paul McShane by swooping towards him as he warmed up / a frankly disappointing display of card waving from the holmesdale which just looked a bit shit. (in contrast to some of the previous ones TSLR037

I’ve seen which actually don’t look really tin pot and embarrassing)

I’ve heard many tales of how amazing their atmosphere is for home games compared to ours, It wasn’t. It was alright but nothing particularly special unlike the sight of the palace ultras all dressed up in their nice matching black primark hoodies who looked very special indeed. We created a decent racket but it didn’t seem half as hostile or loud as the previous trip although the ‘burnt down your town’ chant was catchy enough that I’ve been singing it to myself all week since the game.

The game itself flew by with nothing much happening at either end in the 1st half other than the usual biased sub-standard refereeing we attract on a weekly basis. Midway through the 2nd however disaster struck as Zaha dived in the box and the penalty was duly dispatched

by Martin. 10 minutes later Buckley decided to follow Zaha’s lead and also dived under the faintest of challenges, enough however for the myopic linesmen to even things up. Barnes stepped up and scored leading to bedlam in the Brighton end and leaving me 4 or 5 rows forward of where I’d started. After this we were well on top and looked by far the more likely to score and almost did in the dying moments of the game when Calderon’s 30 yard screamer was well saved by Speroni.

Post-match we were escorted to Norwood Junction amid much joyous singing and taunting of the locals whilst some of the palace fans were held behind ‘for their own safety’ as the tannoy announced to our general amusement. All in all a good day and despite not getting revenge on the earlier defeat we looked the classier team and it’ll be different next season.

LEICESTER CITY / H / Opinion after the game seemed to be split as to whether this

JAN / FEB one was a dismal game between two scrappy teams or a high-quality, tightly-contested affair - only settled decisively when Albion stepped-up a gear to produce some vintage tippy-tappy brilliance.

red cards, Beckford’s was bizarre, Sparrow’s clumsy and Danns’s satisfying (the ex-Palace oaf had been asking for it for 90 minutes).

A good game for the tactician, in the first half both sides gave little away and worked the ball around looking for openings. Barnes in particular was bright and looked the most likely of our players to create a goal. At the other end whilst we looked solid on the whole there were occasional glimpses of Adam ElAbd’s vulnerable lack of pace at full back and our general lack of stature made a towering Leicester side look even more threatening at set-pieces. Leicester brought one of the noisier away followings so far this season with them and the atmosphere was loud and lively.

Other than the cards you can take your pick of the many remaining talking points: How class is Vicente? Is Buckley set to become our best signing since Zamora? Did Bridcutt deserve man of the match for another masterclass in breaking up an opponent’s play, or was he wastefully careless in possession? Should Barnes have gone for goal instead of squaring to CMS when he got a free header? And for that matter what can Poyet do to bring CMS’s mojo back? Alright, he wasn’t scoring before, but his class was still obvious –like a lower-league Torres or a less-biblical Samson though, since the haircut he looks a shadow of his former self.

Aggrieved Leicester fans and a “furious” Nigel Pearson will of course see the dismissal of Jermaine Beckford as the key moment, though we’d had the better of the chances up to that point and actually the game stayed a stalemate until Sparrow’s red card evened up the numbers but spurred Albion on to step up a gear and take the three points. Of the three

It’s worth pointing out that there was no room for Noone, Taricco, Harley or Lua Lua in our squad for the match. One certainty is that with three new additions and more familiar faces set to return from injuries and suspension there’s going to be a lot of competition for places in the team again. Whisper it quietly but we might just be on a roll. TSLR

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PREVIEWS LEEDS UNITED / A / Ah, the prospect of a visit to the home of a club that employs a younger, thinner version of Mark McGhee.

We once released a new issue of TSLR at Leeds away to almost disastrous consequences (we lost, sold fuck all and had a ‘kebab pizza’ in Leeds that night) yet here we are again. We’ve been laughing ever since dodgy Ken Bates took control of the club. That was after Peter Ridsdale had been more concerned with his tropical fish than his team. But now you have to almost feel sorry for the lairy Leeds fans who’ve just had their manager Simon Grayson sacked despite him taking them to within only three points of the play-offs and all despite having had their best players sold over the last two years by Ken Bates. Of course it could be worse for Leeds – their former director Simon Morris’ wife, father and mother were arrested in relation to an arson attack on a car in December. Morris, 34, is already serving time in prison - his family clearly wanted to see him.

MILLWALL / H / The Millwall match this season at the new Old Den will forever be remembered for that Ryan Harley penalty but it is not the only shocking Albion days out there in the past: how about that time we all turned up to find out Micky Adams had been sacked in Little Chef? However, this game is down at Falmer which makes the New Den look like a terrible place. If you hadn’t realised by now, the theme of this month’s previews is foot-

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ballers and the police: former Albion player Darius Henderson was arrested after ‘allegedly’ breaking a 41-year-old’s jaw in the early hours of New Year’s Day 2012. Millwall fans were said to be rejoicing after finally finding a striker who is considered to be ‘on their wavelength’.

LIVERPOOL / A / The match up of what some would term the rapists against the racists (all allegedly of course). This game will see Albion visit a ground that barely two years ago we’d have been impressed with. However this time around, we have Falmer. And they have ‘restricted view’ tickets. Restricted view is something we’re not entirely accustomed to these days but we’ll travel north safe in the knowledge that we’re live on ESPN (a channel we don’t seem to lose on) and happy it’s not Stoke. It’s amazing how easy it is to find footballers having been arrested – and mainly in the last month or so. Stewart Downing – who incidentally fucked us right royally off at Aston Villa in Gus’ first season in charge – was arrested in January 2012 on ‘suspicion of assault’ on Teesside. His missus was also arrested, although rumour has it the police took her to the station to discuss Downing’s punches to her face.

HULL CITY / A / The match we’d all booked train tickets for on the Saturday (stupidly in hindsight). We now find ourselves working out how to get back to the south and reality from this fishing village the following Wednesday.

FEB / MAR Remarkably Hull have a current squad with little to no history with the long arm of the law. In 2008 when the club was managed by former Seagull player and manager Nobby Horton, Marlon King (you know the guy who hit a woman in the face and claimed it was someone ‘who looked identical’) is alleged to have headbutted Dean Windass in a casino in Scarborough – an incident later described as a ‘storm in a tea cup’. Unfortunately for the purposes of this column, there seem to have been few arrests in those currently playing for Hull.

IPSWICH TOWN / H / It seems like a lifetime ago we settled at the back of Portman Road’s away ground bare chested in the heat of what was still sort of summer. So long ago in fact that Vicente’s knees were yet to be properly affected by the British cold weather. Current player Carlos Edwards appears to be the latest victim of the law keepers’ code - luckily for him more along the lines of a Gonzalo Reyes over a Marlon King. But no previews arrest column could go on without reference to Titus Bramble who once played for Ipswich and several times has been arrested several times – for serious offences such as assault, possessing class A drugs and an alleged rape – yet still happily plays top flight football.

DONCASTER ROVER / A / Our favourite non-Albion side welcomes us to the new Belle View having kindly allowed Will Buckley to

become our early Falmer hero on the opening day of the season. Hilariously the biggest dirt we could get out of this club was that two players - John Oster and James Hayter – were arrested two years ago for being ‘drunk and disorderly’. TSLRites have been drunk and disorderly all season – luckily the police haven’t been around. It just goes to show what a lovely club Donny is. To be honest, if any Donny players or fans were to get arrested during this visit, the entire TSLR writing team is happy to volunteer to take their place amongst the reprobates on their behalf.

CARDIFF CITY / H / A visit from the club who we took a trip to early on in our second tier campaign in order to rip them apart with reasonable ease – our most complete away performance of the season by quite some margin. We welcome the Welsh with open arms following their beating of the P****e on penalties in the League Cup and having not managed to secure the services of Nooney. Need we remind you that this is the club who took David Bellamy on loan for a large part of last season – a man who, when not dealing with nature, was being arrested in Cardiff City centre on assault charges some 12 months ago.

Cardiff fans are top of one table at least – the banning order table published in December 2011 found they had the most supporter/police issues with 44 arrests in the 2010-11 campaign. One thing’s for certain, footballers, and football fans, tend to be scumbags. TSLR

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As the Club submit plans to the Council with regards to The Amex’s extra seats, perhaps this is a good time to think back to the times when the North Stand was where we watched the football from, and two-tiered corner stands were the stuff dreams.

Picture by Stewart Weir 1997

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LONDON

ROAD CALLING

Danny Last reports on the number one away trip for Albion fans.

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Since our move into the new Withers, the edge and excitement of an Albion away game has rescinded somewhat.

Each home game has the feel of a cup final at our infectious stadium and whereas in the past few seasons trips away from Withers were a welcome relief, I actually miss my time spent in the North Stand Atrium Social Club when pulling out of Brighton station at silly o’clock to travel around our green and pleasant land. Peterborough is different though. It’s a classic awayday.

For an old duffer like myself, a trip to the Posh ticks all the boxes. But not for much longer. It’s hard not to get misty eyed when you set foot on the Moy’s End terrace with its acoustic-friendly roof, staring out at a couple of towering floodlights that bring mighty lighty to this part of the south bank of the River Nene. They’ve been saying this terrace will be pulled down for a dog’s age, but it’s finally happening. One of football’s most cherished pieces of concrete is making way for an identikit stand during 2012; a stand that’s had more comebacks than Madness will be no more. No steps beyond. Sniff.

The best bit of advice on North Stand Chat in the week leading up to this game was one chaps advice that should you need a dump on the day, don’t wait until you’re inside the ground as the facilities are woeful. I guess that’ll be one good reason to be thankful for the new stand. True enough the capacity of the away end toilet is around eight - not nearly good enough for a few thousand fans.

I’ve been to Peterborough with the Albion many times before, but never really seen much of the actual town so I thought I’d put that right this time around. Peterborough Cathedral with its imposing early English Gothic West Front and its three enormous arches - stay with me now seemed a good place to kick off. Don’t

tell anyone but I only popped in to see if you can see their ground from the top of the tower of, least we forget, one of the UK’s top 10 landmarks. You couldn’t.

Not today anyway. “Closed for a wedding, mate”. Breathtaking views across the Gateway of the Fens, denied. Football stadium spotting from the top of a tower, cancelled. Meh. That’ll learn me.

The Peterborough Museum and Art Gallery lost out to the pub on the flip of a double-headed coin. With friendly landlords prepared to swing open their doors to visiting fans it was time to move on to a sacred place for the worship of Oakham Ales, a multi award winning real ale brewery based in town. Sidestepping the Draper’s Arms where there have been spots of bother in the past we made a beeline to a tastefully converted Dutch barge, Charters, between the station and the ground; billed as the perfect riverside location to meet, eat, drink and talk about the Albion, it didn’t disappoint.

Seeing as this is my TSLR debut I thought I’d at least try and impress you with a statistic. This is the one I trotted out to anyone within earshot in the pub. Researched and everything. If you’d put £1 on the Albion to win at your local bookies for every game this season you’d be precisely £1.95 better off in the wallet department. For Peterborough United, I know, I’m spoiling you, you’d be £2.35 down. And another thing, the Posh haven’t had a goalless draw in umpty thrumpty - just over two - years. Woof.

They used to sell, wait for it ... pints of Craig MackALE-Smith on the barge. The people of Peterborough also jumped on the whole psychic animal bandwagon a while back and some local farm had Mackail the Meerkat predicting matches, such was the popularity of CMS in these parts. It’s fairly irritating that since we signed their talisman for millions (millions) of pounds

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LONDON ROAD CALLING they’ve since plucked another couple of chaps from the Posh conveyor belt, both of whom are scoring goals willy and indeed nilly. I bet neither are the last one off the pitch acknowledging the fans after each game though; take that McCann and Sinclair. Losers.

After quaffing my own body weight of ale in, ahem, the oakademy of excellence, I staggered down to London Road which, it has to be said, aside from the remains of a destroyed building on the corner, is in better shape than the one in Brighton. No Aldi or Branch Tavern though.

Pah. I remembered doing this same walk in 2002 just after the Queen Mother had popped her clogs, and hearing a huge roar from some of the 3,000 Albion fans already in the ground as Bobby Zamora (swoon) was, unexpectedly, announced in our starting line up after an injury. He missed a penalty that day. And then scored the winner. Obviously.

Unlike the new Withers, I didn’t spend a fortune on various combinations of pie and beer.

There wasn’t any beer to be had and the tiny food kiosk closed it shutters after half time.

Compare and contrast that to our place, and shame on you anybody who has had the gumption to complain about our facilities. After the final whistle it’s out you jolly well go, too. No hanging around for two hours post-match in the concourses. No sir.

Appropriately enough, considering the majority of the Albion faithful had been quaffing real ale all afternoon, Will Buckley’s opener was a wind-assisted effort. Buckers free kick sailed over the noggin of the hapless Lewis between the Posh sticks with just the right amount of curl and dippage causing an absolute frenzy among our fans as we wheeled away this way and that performing cartwheels of delights. “William, WILLIAM Buckley runs down the wing for me ... da da da da DA DA DA DA,” we sung with full gusto. It does seem a bit Ken Dodd singing a terrace ditty to the tune of, ahem, Heartbeat, but it sort of works. The players love it too.

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Bandy-legged Buckley is already becoming a bit of an Albion legend. His shots to goals ratio is phenomenal, and when he unpacks his box of tricks in front of an adoring crowd it certainly quickens this correspondents pulse.

Against the run of play, Peterborough equalised. The first and only peeps of noise emanated from their stands and we’d have to settle for a point.

Gus had other ideas though. Instead of operating the safety valve, he threw caution to the brisk wind and threw on our young Norwegian dude, Torbjorn Agdestein. If he’s not knocking on the door of a future ‘Flairwatch’ article in this very publication then I’ll eat my viking hat. He set up Buckers - of course Buckers - for the winner. A dreamy 88thminute winner, no less, which sent me and my pals hurtling down the terrace again and into the yellow hatched area. Naughty but nice. I really should know better, but running around a piece of concrete, executing perfect star jumps by way of a celebration really is a great way of spending thirty seconds. If this was to be our last memory of the Moy’s End terrace then it was certainly worthy of the occasion.

We seem to have the sign over Peterborough.

But not in the eyes of their gaffer Darren Ferguson: “They’re not a better team than us. I don’t care what anyone says,” he harrumphed afterwards. Heh. Actual evidence - minor detail, admittedly - would suggest otherwise.

Brighton need 48 points to stay up. That’s the average taken from the last ten years in the Championship. It’s a brilliant division which I wouldn’t mind kicking our heels around in for a few seasons yet. Next up, in terms of away games, is the hype and hoopla of an evening at Selhurst Park. A toxic atmosphere awaits along with an evening of being kettled around the streets of SE25 trying to find a pub without two riot vans parked outside. Never easy.

FFS Murray. TSLR EuropeanFootballWeekends.co.uk

WSL SNAPPER

What with the WSL Snapper now famous after his ecstatic scarf twirling on ESPN at the end of the Newcastle match, we fear that the erstwhile lens-botherer could be off to do bigger and better thing. His enviable location, a mere hop, skip and jump from the pitch, al-

lows him unparralled insights into the psyche of the substitute warming up. A highlight this month was a close up of Vicente, in a hat similar to that of Joe Pesci’s in Home Alone, gobbing under the atmospheric hue of The Amex floodlights. Great work. TSLR TSLR037

It was as we edged towards the final whistle at Falmer against Newcastle that it began.

A chorus of whistles so disturbingly loud, the referee simply had to call time sooner than his watch suggested. He didn’t. But we won anyway.

In the gory years (as I like to refer to the period from 1993-99), there was no problem with this – we would all join in a chorus of faux whistles as a form of desperation. The quality of players back then meant that this was a necessary condition of following the Albion. Surely, no side with Jamie Moralee in the team would de-

serve a win and the subsequent crowd participation would organically formulate a chorus of whistles simply on the basis we would always hope that we could stay ahead.

But we don’t need hope anymore. We have everything – the brightest young manager, the perfect new stadium and players that we so often in the past were easily priced out of the market for. As we exited the North at the end of the Newcastle match, there was much better noise – ‘we’re fucking brilliant’ they sang.

That’s better.

Therein lies this particular problem of following the current side. We, as a crowd, need to find the cockiness that is part of Poyet’s make up. We need to match his ambition. We need to show the manager that this is the team he

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should spend the rest of his life with. We need to move with the times. We need to exemplify GP ourselves. Each and every one of us. That cockiness that, dare I say it, can be seen down the south coast in Southampton. Even when they can’t quite keep up with us.

Against Newcastle we looked comfortable as the game headed towards injury time. Accepted, it was nervy but that desperate plea from all four corners of the ground for the final whistle was concerning. I sat back and shut up, safe in the knowledge that crying for a final whistle would not be something Gus would agree with. I couldn’t see him at the time, but I pictured the Messiah casually slumped deep in his comfortable chair happily awaiting the FA Cup fifth round. Poyet would have believed that we would have won the game if it had continued until midnight.

So I’m laying down a challenge to you all. A chal-

lenge no Albion fan would have considered for at least 30 odd years. A challenge to be cocky about the Albion wherever it is you shall be. Especially at Falmer.

Therefore, when that lucrative offer of a job at Tottenham or Chelsea arrives on Gus’ doormat, he will be forced to analyse his Albion career. And in his analysis, he would sit down and contemplate whether the Albion as a club – fans, players, managers and the board match the ambition shown by sides in the top flight. And if we never beg for a whistle in the rest of his time at the club, he may just think that our ambition furthers that of those more illustrious counterparts in the division above (for now at least).

Of course this would probably count for nothing – Poyet will be offered several millions a year at both of the aforementioned clubs he once played for (and at Spurs he’ll be entitled to even more from the taxman). But at least we can sit back and relax, like GP does most games, safe in the knowledge that we at least tried to match his ambitions. TSLR

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PETER GRUMMITT’S BRIGHT GREEN GLOVES “How the Ar- us bring in fish and chips from across the road, and we settled to await the arrival thur Waite inof tothea corner locals. A set of excitable who seemed to be stand con- dufflecoats plotting a Battleships-A-Thon superseded by some Neantinues to se- were derthals who slowly realised we were not local. Time to head for cure a safe- the ground. out the floodlight pyty certificate Seeking lons and following the strancries of hatred, barking is beyond gulated police dogs and the smell of the van containing their foreme. Half the burger fathers all continued the ‘70s theme. A good old-fashioned for the turnstiles, poseats bro- scrum lice pat-down and subterranean likewise. How the Arthur ken, drinking khasi Wait stand continues to secure a certificate is beyond me. and smok- safety My first ever visit to the AW The first “take two” was the Ann stand was at the age of 12 when Summers factory on the A22 ing, my parents thought it ‘safer’ to standwhere I’m told staff discounts are go in with the home fans . It generous. It explains why Palarse ing hasn’t improved since that day in the seem so obsessed about throbwhen Swindlehurst got dumped bing items from down the road. the advertising hoardings and into The second was the South Nor- aisles

by Andy Rollings just in front wood hostelry. Horse brasses and of me, and the foundations cartwheels on the walls, blinking rabid chant- cracked. Half the seats broken, fruit machines and a resident lodrinking and smoking in the cal who appeared to genuinely ing. Oh no, ground, standing in the aisles live in the corner behind the and rabid chanting. Oh no, that fishtank, the pub was unchanged that’s just was just the Directors’ Box. since 1977. Our designated driver enquired for a cup of tea: the know the rest. Two dodgy Direc- You barmaid’s response suggested a the pens, honour intact and a spare molotov cocktail was more likely wing mirror for the designated to be forthcoming. As chicken- tors’ Box. ” driver. Life on Mars, but not as in-a-basket and black forest gawe know it. TSLR Back to the Future. One of my Albion mates, let’s call him Bottle, likes to plot out the parameters of an away trip in some detail. Hotel, pub, Chinese chippy, parking space, chewing gum vendor. No detail left to chance. And grateful the rest of us tag-alongs are too. So when Bottle suggested a hostelry in South Norwood prior to that match, we were willing to trust his judgement. Now my work has taken me all over the country (and beyond) and between studying the transport systems of obscure northern towns, and following the Albion away since the ‘70s, I reckon I have a pretty good urban radar. But my knowledge of the LB of Croydon extends almost exclusively to just the cashpoint outside East Croydon station.

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teau were off, they kindly let

MIDFIELD DIAMOND I understand that there has been a series of crisis meetings at the League Managers’ Association (LMA) following the latest round of managerial sackings. The dismissal of everyone’s favourite pantomime villain, Colin W from QPR, is said to have prompted the discussions. Having guided his team from nowhere to the Championship title last season, Colin was presumably fired for not looking like immediately repeating the trick in the Premiership. In addition to Colin looking for a new job, the LMA are apparently seeking a new Director of Referee Slagging as a result of his departure.

But Colin’s dismissal was just one of several recent sackings. With racism so high on the football agenda at the moment, you would think Chairmen would be sensitive to the issue. Not Preston’s Chairman of a full two weeks, a certain ‘fit and proper’ Peter Risdale who dismissed Phil Brown because of his skin colour, declaring that his position had become untannable. Brown’s assistant, our very own Nobby Horton, was sacked at the same time.

Their crime? Only mid-table obscurity after a devastating relegation they could do nothing about following hopeless mismanagement by their predecessors, coupled with severe financial restrictions.

And the latest casualty of Cuddly Ken Bates’ reign at Leeds was announced the day after the transfer window closed. Promotion from League One had been followed by just missing out on the play-offs last season. And, despite selling his team’s best players, at the insistence of the Chairman according to some fans, Grayson has guided Leeds to within a few points of the play-offs again. On the same points as the mighty Brighton and Hove Albion at the time of writing. Clearly not good enough for Mr Bates though.

In all three cases, as far as I am aware, there was no campaign by fans to change the manager. In fact, with only a few exceptions, one involving a former Wally with a Brolly, most of the managerial sackings this season have been against the fans’ wishes. The decision to wield the axe has been purely down to the Board, which ultimately means the Chairman.

With so many (arguably) unwarranted sackings this season, the LMA’s crisis committee has made an important declaration; the proverbial Management Merry-Go-Round is to be replaced by the Management Waltzer.

Chief Executive of the LMA Richard Bevan reportedly explained, “We consider that the Waltzer better represents the whole ‘football’s gone mad, it’s spinning out of control’ feeling that has been growing amongst our membership for some time.”

It is understood that the Roller-Coaster was also considered by the LMA, as in the cliche, ‘it’s been a roller-coaster ride’. However, the Waltzer was chosen after Sven Goran Eriksson revealed that, with his head still spinning following Englands World Cup exit in Germany, a fan tried to chat up Nancy Dell’Olio with the opening line, “Ello darlin’, you on holiday?”, just as a fair boy would do aboard the Waltzer.

“Over the years, our members have been sent reeling by unexpected sackings,” Mr Bevan added. “They have become disorientated and are reluctant to go through that nightmare again. The image of a gentle ride followed by a walk into the welcoming arms of a lucrative new job is no longer appropriate. The Management Waltzer is the perfect metaphor.”

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So, why are we showing a set of posters from Lewes FC? Because they’re brilliant, that’s why. The corprorate reach of BHAFC 2.0 has meant that any signs of creativity in Sussex football catches our eye in a second, and while Crawley Town have disgraced football with their new badge, David Sheppard has been quietly designing classic matchday TSLR037

posters for The Rooks. Lewes are now a community club meaning you yourself can buy a share for just £30. this also means that lots of great people are getting ‘involved’ with the club and these posters are just one of the interesting things coming through.

Buy prints at lewesfc.com/fans/matchday-posters

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Those of you blessed with one of those swanky new digital tellies may just have found the time to tune away from the permanent loop that is Sky Sports News the night before our visit to Selhurst. Had you done so your eyes might have been fortunate to rest upon the lithe & lovely figure of Amal Fashanu, niece of Justin Fashanu, on BBC3. I have a hazy recollection of a young man hobbling about town in the mid 80s, his best playing days behind him. Sixteen appearances & two goals in two years being scant return on a fee of £115,000.

The more observant amongst you may already have spotted a clue as to the public face of my own sexuality in my description of Fash’s niece. Apologies those who may be offended by my not very PC approach but we have all read enough in the way of bleeding heart woolly liberal articles on vaguely football related subjects by those who have never been to a game in their lives. Being a ‘gentleman’ of advancing years, homosexuality was a sniggering offence in my youth. It was represented by the British love of the pantomime effeminacy of Larry Grayson.

It was certainly not an issue extending to the personal lives of football stars from

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Berwick Rangers to Brighton & Hove Albion.

Then came Justin Fashanu. A classic case of early promise unfulfilled with not a little help from Old Big ‘Ead himself. There are no prizes for guessing Brian Clough’s attitude to any deviation from the norm & Fashanu was dressed down in no uncertain terms at the City Ground for visiting ‘bloody poof’s bars’. Move on a few years & Justin’s tragic end has left a legacy, as much for it’s impact on homophobia in football culture as for the PR implications of handling a public selfrevelation.

The documentary was notable not for what it said directly about the issue of gay footballers but more for who was prepared to say anything at all even to an immediately attractive young woman. The Millwall squad were, with one or two more mature exceptions, remarkably shy. No surprise then that Max Clifford suggested a hard man type in the twilight of his career might be the most appropriate candidate to stick his head above the parapet.

Step forward Joey Barton declaring his love for a gay uncle. It was worth the general elusiveness of most of the rest of the show for this interview alone.

Amal’s relationship with her Crazy Gang father John, whilst obviously very moving, took the overall debate forward in so far as it showed how far society’s attitude to homosexuality has moved in the last 20 years.

I am loath to condone John’s public disowning of his brother but the situation can also be viewed through the prism of the prehistoric attitudes toward homosexuality prevailing at the time.

But now where are we? If there is one team in the whole country that might be standing up for equality in their swanky new ‘community’ stadium it is surely the mighty Brighton & Hove Albion. How many in a Brighton crowd of 20,000 have had a same sex experience?

Never mind being a goal up with 5 minutes to play, this is undoubtedly the quintessential squeaky bum moment.

Where do you stand on the line between banter & abuse? I won’t pontificate on my own

particular views just share a short anecdote.

Returning from the precious point required at Rotherham on the final day of the season back in….well it was a few years back…our coaches crossed paths on the motorway with those of Millwall. Holding hands & blowing kisses to coach loads of mooning South Londoners was safely amusing when separated by a lane on the M1. Not quite such a laugh in the service station where our ciabattas & cappuccinos were noisily disturbed by cat calls relating to our real or imagined sexual proclivities.

The immediate tension was lifted by the simple comment from the Brighton end ‘they’re just jealous of our cosmopolitan city.’

For those of you not in the know the Justin Campaign is run from an office in where else but Brighton? The Justins Allstars field a predominantly indoor pick up team with an ever changing line up. Brighton also has its very own gay friendly 11 a side team, The Brighton Bandits, who play in the GFSN (Gay Football Supporters Network) league. I am delighted also to report that in common with the soaraway Seagulls they topped League 2 last season & are now dining at the top table of national gay football.

Alan Duffy, Director of Communications at the Justin Campaign, pointed out to me that the recent arrests of Southampton supporters & cautioning of a Barnsley fan following matches at the Falmex are signs of genuine progress. The campaign has been working behind the scenes with the FA, the Albion & what he describes as the club’s significant gay fanbase. The time is nearly upon us where anti-homophobic days are as uncontentious as the t-shirts & badges of the Kick It Out campaign. (And I refuse to mention John Terry or Louis Suarez at this point.)

So here’s a few of my own suggestions to raise the campaign profile: Brighton to adopt the girlies’ pink & white stripes as an away kit; said pink & white kit to be available in beer gut sizes; Gully’s Girls to give way to Gully’s Guys; Gully to have a male partner.

Your ideas on a postcard please to TSLR Towers at the usual address. TSLR Article by Bitter & Twisted TSLR037

MEADE’S BALL I sometimes wonder what it must be like to be in the know. Which part of a person swells when a rumour becomes cement inside, when a mutter becomes chorus, when a whisper becomes less Chinese. It’s possible I’ve not had such a part born in me and that those who have may possibly be the next generation in human development, a prophesier type who only foretells and my genetic line of only partial now-knowers brought to a close. Or it might be that I’ve not been trained in eavesdropping, no bugs other than those that took residence in my soon-to-be-nibbled-upon bedframe to speak of, no time spent with my better-hearing ear pressed to a tumbler that’s pressed to a wall, enabling me to listen in on a neighbour that I’ve not really met but might know something I want to know if they accidentally say it out loud to someone they’re meant to whisper to. I want to know more than I do, of course, but rarely of what’s about to be and more of what once was, in order to be ready for what’s to come.

Being predictive, it seems, means a life without cliffhangers and virtually without surprise.

Being in the dark is not so bad.

It’s bad if you’re in it forever or if you’re being filmed in it with a cast of animal impersonators outside your unlit tent, chirruping or squealing like any creature that could fire one’s imagination into abject terror – for me the tentacled raccoon, or racooptopus, a beast I once dreamt of despite the light being on as I slept. But TSLR037

they being people in general, “The loan say, ignorance is bliss. That isn’t to say should stop learning. Because m a r k e t one one shouldn’t. But more that not knowing everything is perfectly and no sign of weakness. And will re- fine that knowing something doesn’t grant one power or engineer open and always esteem.

be that in life looking like M i c h a e l Ityoumight know is better for you than knowing itself. When someone says one doesn’t understand, Owen will something then usually its best simply to nod, if you get it. And hope when you b e s t r a d - asthink it’s a joke and smirk to send a facial nod of amusement in reply it wasn’t actually a report of dle a Shet- that a close friend’s bejailment or news hostage note just received land pony ofovertheone’s manager’s pet swan – probably pinched by the queen in to reclaim ownership of back into aallmission Her feathered meats.

that the transfer window is town for Now closed the world of imagined and truths should dry up a talks that suggested little. There could be talk of political unrest in the upper echelons of club and the finer-minded only those our falsifiers tell tale of hairpulling scratching that drew blood and in the and tears from all parties. Or of having found out the new away kit for being an ode to our pink know will 2012-13 Nobo classic and a bold statement of our fight against homophobia football. Or worse still, and w i t n e s s . within most likely, the loan market will and Michael Owen will All 1326 reopen bestraddle a Shetland pony back into town for talks that only those know will witness. All 1326 of them” inof the them.. TSLR in general, as they sometimes

CARTER On February 14th last year, rather than being shown to a seat opposite my wife by a waiter in a dimly lit restaurant, I spent a large part of the evening with my old man being shown prospective Season Ticket seats on a computer screen by a member of Albion staff in a dimly lit Sibcas cabin on a building site just off the A27. Clearly, it was an exciting moment in my supporting history, but Spending Valentine’s Day with your father seems like something that should only happen in Austria.

A year later and that bunch of pixels we selected a year ago will be occupied by our backsides for the most romantic of clashes with Millwall – another Valentine’s absence from my wife. Even though she claims to be as interested in this Saint’s day as she does when I make her watch ‘Horton’s Heroes’ (1998-9 Season VHS) I know I should make it up to her; I’ve suggested a wonderful belated Valentine’s trip to Merseyside and a European Capital of Culture 2008 the following Sunday.

Talking about things we love; I really enjoy a good poo and iPhone session. One game called Football Kicks has me particularly hooked.

There’s something brilliant about curling my balls around a wall as I sit in the cubicle. It was on one such occasion whilst sitting in trap one, appropriately during a break at work that my mind wondered on to 90 Minutes Magazine.

Remember that? Sitting somewhere between Match and When Saturday Comes in style, 90 Minutes ran weekly from 1990-1997 and was just one of a raft of football magazines I read as a teenager; although, Dr Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap should have gone back to 1995 and poked my eyes out as it transpires the mag was set up by a Crystal Palace fan. Anyway, I remember they used to have a section that involved people sending in pictures of busi-

nesses that were namesakes of players.

What a nice little idea for TSLR I mused; a lovely little collection of Albion run businesses for the easily amused. But, if you recall my obvious observations from previous articles, you’ll know that Brighton’s stars are shining brighter than ever. This is irritating when you’re looking for a quick bit of Google mayhem. It’s all about accuracy and SEO these days; gone are the times when bunging ‘Mark Ormerod’ into a search engine resulted in reading about a bunion specialist in Basingstoke or a plumber in Dymchurch before pulling up some Goalkeeping stats.

With some creativity you could mildly enjoy the knowledge that there’s a firm called ‘Reyes Taxi’ out there, although they’re based in Jonesboro, a city in Georgia in the US, so they’re unlikely to drop you at the Clocktower from The Amex after you’ve had a few in Dicks. However, if you get into any kind of drink driving problems you could call on the services of Ashley Barnes, a solicitor in Fleet.

But it’s just not as exiting when you go looking for these things. That is until you have a moment of sheer serendipity – and I don’t mean getting this poo out…

It’s not often that players who have never donned the stripes enter into Albion folklore, but dishing out some infamous martial arts moves on a Palace fan at Selhurst Park and then saying ‘I think maybe it’s like a dream for some, you know sometimes to kick these kind of people’ pretty much seals the deal for Cantona. So, for anyone who may have mixed feelings about the magic of El puñal or doesn’t appreciate the rousing reception he received as he came off the bench against Leicester, look no further than typing ‘vicente’ into yell. com and looking at the top result: ‘Kung Fu Schools (Croydon)’ TSLR TSLR037