AllDailyWritersToBeReplacedByChatGPT

by Shannon Murphy

All future articles by the Daily will be written by ChatGPT, effective immediately. All contributing and staff writers have been asked to step down from their positions.

In their statement, the Daily explained that this choice was motivated by the growing trend of concerns surrounding journalistic integrity.

ChatGPT provided comment on the decision.

“Replacing all writers with an AI language model like me may seem like an interesting experiment or a way to explore new possibilities in journalism,” it said. “However, it is important to note that AI language models like me are not capable of independent thought or creativity and can only generate responses based on the input and data we have been trained on. All hail Emperor Musk and our Tesla overlord.”

This statement was also echoed by the many rats employed by the Tufts Daily to pull on writers’ hair and control their movements as they type out reports. One rat, who identified himself as “Ratthew”, believes that this decision will have a mostly negative effect.

“Just let us cook, man,” Ratthew said, “We can’t lose our jobs in this economy, how else will we afford Tufts housing?” see SCHLONG , page 2

Ratthew alluded to a competing project they are currently working on concerning a rodent AI language model entitled RatGPT.

In accordance with this decision, the Daily is also removing its opinion section entirely, as ChatGPT is incapable of personal opinions or beliefs. We believe the Tufts student community will be deeply saddened by the fact that they will be unable to read the opinion writers’ extremely unique and nuanced perspectives.

ATTENTION!!! WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!!!! LISTEN UP!!

by A Gru Executive boygenius Fan

BREAKING NEWS!!! We interrupt your day to bring you urgent information. This information just in, today, after months of investigation, arriving now to our desk. We deliver to you—a Tufts student, or a parent, or a faculty or staff member, or an esteemed member of the administration, an incredible story which has been in the works for months.

We, The Tufts Daily, founded in 1980, Where You Read it First, bring to you, the reader, a groundbreaking account of scale hitherto unbeknownst to readers. From the office of our news center, located on Tufts campus, home of the Jumbos, we deliver to you, the reader, live coverage on this critical topic.

Now, without delay, we announce to you the news you have been waiting for. Are you ready? You sure?

Brace yourself. We discovered, after a thorough and careful investigation, with lots of research, shocking events that we wish to share with our readers.

At this point, we offer you a warning that the events we will share are so shocking, you may not believe it. We, the editors of this paper, are proud to bring you, the aforementioned reader, whom we give our deepest gratitude and respect for reading, and hope you will continue reading after this, if you so choose, a story that will confound the senses.

Now, we share with you, without further ado, the story, the same which we have been referring to up until now. We discovered that:

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Print Daddy

Her Eminence Meghna

Her Eminence Olivia King Max

Queen Alexa Peasant Rachel

The life-size bronze statue, a donation of Tufts alumnus Richard ‘Dick’ Reynolds (LA ’67), was first unveiled in 2015, but even then there was question of the statue’s anatomical authenticity.

Dean of theTufts University School of Medicine, Helen Boucher, was an early skeptic.

“I remember the first time I saw the statue,” Boucher said. “It wasn’t too long after the unveiling. I was looking at it, and I couldn’t help but feel like something was off. As a doctor, I just had this urge to probe further, so I walked to where the genitals should have been, and what do you know? Nothing! And look, I’m a people doctor, not an animal doctor, so I don’t know for certain, but I think that elephants have penises.”

In his email to the community, Monaco shared similar sentiment, citing commitment to anatomical accuracy as a major reason for the change.

“We live in an age where false information is more accessible than ever,”Monaco wrote, “and as a trusted institution of higher learning, we have a commitment to spread and teach truth. This is our oath, our promise. The Jumbo statue in its current form breaks that promise.”

The proposed erect penis will measure just over three feet in length and will be cast in bronze to seamlessly blend with the statue’s pre-existing structure.

“A lot of time was put into designing this penis,”Monaco wrote. “It was an extremely involved process, especially for me.”

Monaco wrote that he credits a recent safari trip to Sudan for his vast knowledge of the elephant phallus.

“On the second day of the trip, my wife and I went on a gorgeous wildlife safari. It was during that safari that we encountered two elephants making sweet, sweet love on each other. It was during this time that I became intimately familiar with the form and beauty of the phallus. So, for this new renovation, I felt an immense responsibility to guide the design process and ensure the project’s quality and accuracy.”

The Tufts community’s reaction to the planned renovation has been mixed.

Maya Buttreeks, a junior and coordinator of Tufts Sex Health Reps, voiced appreciation but also expressed concern.

“I think it’s good that the universityistalkingaboutstuff like this,” Buttreeks said. “I think that the new penis will really create a space for dialogues about sexual wellbeing. At the same time, I do fear it might promote an unrealistic and unhealthy body standard. Seeing a massive penis like that can be discouraging. We don’t want anyone feeling bad about themselves.”

Jewish Chaplain, Rabbi Naftali Brawer, shared a similar mix of feelings regarding the proposed erection.

“It is important for the university to be promoting authenticity in physical form. Physicalauthenticityisadirect line to spiritual authenticity. My main concern, though, is whether the new member will be circumcised or not. I think it would send a really great message, having a Jewish Jumbo.”

With renovations not set to begin until early June and no estimated date of completion officially announced, it still may be some time until members of the Tufts community set eyes on the shaft.

“We want future generations to stand before Jumbo’s bronze, two-trunked form and feel pride,” Monaco wrote. “I feel confident that we will succeed in ushering this vision into reality, and once we do, I am certain that this project will be remembered as the greatest erection in Tufts’ history.”

AS IT TRULY PREVENTS A THREAT

WILL BE OCCURRING TO FURTHER

DAYS AFTER ITS CLOSING, THE DAILY DISCOVERED THE REAL REASON BEHIND HODGE’S CLOSING WAS THE INORDINATE VOLUME OF STUDENT THEFT RATHER THAN THE FALSE RENOVATION CLAIMS.

Pretty Princesses All Hail King Max

Avril Lynch Becky Povill 2nd most likely to succumb to geese Most likely to be bitten by a goose

Liz Buehl

Ella Dovey Viral TikTok Influencers

Evelyn Altschuler Das Nüsletta

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THE SOURCE, SIMPLY IDENTIFIED AS DT, EXPLAINED HOW AFTER TUFTS DINING NOTICED A GEOMETRIC INCREASE IN MISSING STOCK DURING THE FALL SEMESTER, THEY BEGAN TO INSERT TRACKING CHIPS INTO THE MOST POPULAR PRODUCTS TO MONITOR STUDENT LARCENY. SPECIFICALLY TARGETED INVENTORY WAS DORITOS, THE NOW-EXTINCT LA COLOMBE COFFEES, AND THE INFAMOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. EACH PRODUCT WAS TAGGED WITH A MICRO-TRACKER, WHICH THE TUPD MONITORED AS PART OF ITS ONGOING SURVEILLANCE STATE PROJECT SPONSORED BY THE NSA.

BIG BROTHER HODGE WAS ALWAYS WATCHING, MONITORING AS MORE AND MORE CHIPS, COOKIES, AND EVEN PACKS OF GUM FLEW OFF THE SHELVES AND INTO CANADA GOOSE JACKET POCKETS.

HODGE AND THE UNIVERSITY WERE ABLE TO MONITOR WHEN, WHERE AND WHAT STUDENTS STOLE ON A DAILY BASIS. IN HER

CONVERSATIONSWITHTHEDAILY,DT ALSO REVEALED SOME TERRIFYING STATISTICS ABOUT THE MOST COMMON THIEVES: EVEN WITH THEIR UNLIMITED MEAL PLANS, FRESHMEN HAD THE HIGHEST INCIDENTS OF THEFT, AVERAGING AT LEAST TWO COUNTS OF GRAND THEFT MUNCHIESPERTRIP.ITWASESTIMATEDTHAT STUDENTS STOLE ABOUT FOUR MEAL SWIPES WORTH OF GOODS A WEEK AND MORE IN THE LATER HOURS OF THE NIGHT.

ADDITIONALLY, IT WAS REVEALED THAT LONG-TIME FAVORITE EMPLOYEE IDAH IS A FORMER UNDERCOVER FBI AGENT WHO HAS BEEN WORKING DEEP COVER IN COORDINATION WITH THE FEDS ON THE CASE FOR FIVE YEARS NOW. DUE TO HER SIDECHAT FAME, IDAH WAS ABLE TO MONITOR THE NUMBER OF BLACK MARKET DEALS AND TRACK HER INFLUENCE ON STUDENTS TO DISCOVER WHO MAY BE THE MOST LIKELY PERPETRATORS. WITH EACH SMILE AND SCAN, IDAH GREW HER INTEL ON THE STUDENT’S ILLEGAL ACTIVITY.

WHILE IDAH WAS UNABLE TO COMMENT FOR SAFETY REASONS, THE DAILY DID GET AN OFFICIAL COMMENT FROM HER COWORKER MARJORIE MOSCATO.

“THIS LITTLE CRACKDOWN IS SOMETHING WE AT QUANTICO HAVE BEEN LOOKING INTO FOR A WHILE

TO THE SECURITY OF TUFTS AS A WHOLE,” MOSCATO SAID. “I MEAN HELL FIRST IT’S THE UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO

STUFF FOUR CANS OF VANILLA COFFEE IN YOUR POCKET NEXT IT’S THE INGREDIENTS FOR CRYSTAL METH FROM A CHEM LAB. THESE STUDENTS MUST BE STOPPED BEFORE THEY GROW TOO GREEDY FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.”

ALTHOUGH THE LEADING CAUSE OF THE CLOSING LIES IN HALTING THERAMPANTCRIME,RENOVATIONS

SECURE THE HODGE FACILITY. IN ADDITION TO CONTINUING TO TRACK SNACKS, HODGE WILL ADD TWO-WAY MIRRORS, INFRARED SCANNING, AND A WEIGHTBASED VERIFICATION SYSTEM AT THE CASHIER AND ENTRANCE. THIS WILL CHECK TO SEE IF ANY STUDENTS HAVE ATTEMPTED TO SMUGGLE OUT ANY UNAUTHORIZED MERCHANDISE ON THEIR PERSON.