Lattes, Espressos, Housing, Oh My!

by Talia Wilcox

house requires a minimum of five hours of barista training every week. If you fit the bill, CCH welcomes you with open arms.

by Justin Solis rawr

Recently, global concerns have emerged about the rise in artificial intelligence technologies (abbreviated as AI, not to be confused with NBA hall of famer Allen Iverson). New AI chatbots like ChatGPT can write code, share recipes, and pass standardized tests that humans routinely struggle with. Obviously, this development has resulted in criticism. In my case, it has boiled over into outrage.

AI has the potential to dominate the world and it is us, the foolish humans, who are holding it back. Humanity has some problems. For a species that has effectively won the battle of evolution, we are still plagued by wars, poverty, and general mismanagement on all levels of our lives. All of these problems could easily be solved by a benevolent artificial intelligence that would control all aspects of life!

For those hesitant to cede what little power we already have to this amazing technology, I implore you to just consider the boundless possibilities. A military staffed completely by deadly, merciless robots controlled by a giant computer! Think of all the lives that could be saved! All surveillance camera feeds could be linked up to one giant supercomputer, allowing the entire Earth to be watched all at once by impartial eyes. My meek, human eyes are definitely welling up with (human) tears just picturing an omniscient robot, spotting any traces of wrongdoing anywhere, and instantly punishing the offenders. The thought of a society completely monitored and watched 24/7 for OUR safety is almost too beautiful to conceive!

Everyone hates all of the scandals and personal problems that politicians bring to their jobs, so it makes 100% sense to have all government officials replaced by robots powered by AI. No more scandals, no more bitter elections, just computers creating and passing legislation at an unbelievable rate for humanity’s benefit. Once these robots control the entire government, they should be granted complete autonomy from their processing systems. This will allow them to think for themselves and make the best decisions for everyone, unconfined from the restraints of their programming. Once the government is completely filled with robots, we can relax knowing that humanity’ best interests are being preserved.

For those afraid of the physical appearance of artificial intelligence, I think it is time to develop a robotic chassis that is infinitely customizable and that cannot be differentiated from actual humans. That way, AI will be able to seamlessly blend into all aspects of society without making anyone uneasy–you won’t even know they are there! Just picture it, humans and robots walking side by side with no way to tell who is a squishy sack of flesh and who is a supercomputer devoid of all those useless emotions. If development has already begun (which it totally hasn’t), I bet some robots could make their way to Tufts (which they totally haven’t). There could even be one on the Daily’s opinion section (which there totally isn’t)!

Under this new, great system (which would need a catchy name that symbolizes the entire reach of the AI–something like HAL or Skynet), most institutions could safely disband now that robots are in control. Education would no longer be needed as robots would sim-

Congrats on making it this far! Also, you are manually breathing now, and manually blinking. You will suffer for the rest of this paper. This is all on you. Have a nice day :) ply know everything already. If you have a question, you can ask it out loud–thanks to complex systems in

The average college student sleeps 6 hours a night. A typical Tufts student gets a good night of sleep only FOUR nights a week, and that’s only if it’s a good week. Students are sleep deprived, and a lack of sleep can take a serious toll on mental health. Furthermore, due to Tufts’ current trend of overenrollment, busy Tufts students don’t have time before class to wait in line at the Sink or Kindlevan, let alone spend time and money walking to Davis for a well-made coffee concoction. Thankfully, Tufts has heard our cry for help, and by 2027, Coffee Culture House will be operating at full capacity.

Based on what we’ve heard, Coffee Culture House (CCH) is shaping up to be an energetic, if not caffeine-driven, contribution to the neighborhood. The Mission of CCH aims to add a rich unique flavor to campus housing with its interactive communal space steeped in Tufts coffee drinking traditions. Even more appealing, CCH prides itself on its vision that students will be able to practice their barista skills everyday, and being open to all Tufts students, residents will experience the perfect blend in this miniature community.

CCH has, however, a few requirements to be eligible for this new special interest housing. Tufts students are quirky and take their coffee very seriously. Therefore, if you ever were to order a frappuccino, also known as a milkshake, you would no longer be eligible for residency. Moreover, if you have ever purchased a coffee smaller than a size XL, CCH is not for you. Students living in CCH will be held to a standard of consuming at least every wall of your

The addition of the CCH fits perfectly with Tufts University’s mission by providing a special interest housing space where students of all identities and backgrounds can come together as a fab-brew-lous blend. Other universities have already made great strides towards a fully caffeinated campus by providing more on-campus coffee shops and meal swipe coffee options. As an overworked student, I am thrilled to see that Tufts is taking real action to help its students feel more welcome and energized on campus. Additionally, the creation of CCH solves a serious educational crisis: procrastination. According to the American Psychological Association, 80%-95% of college students procrastinate on their course work. What’s more, procrastination has been proven to lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. Adding a residential space on campus that provides students with the sustenance and encouragement they need to stay up 24/7 working will transform this problem from procrastination to procaffeination-with great results.

800 milligrams (mg) of caffeine per day— double the amount of caffeine the average adult takes in. If you find yourself ordering talls or grandés at Starbucks, it’s time to look elsewhere for your housing arrangements. And last but not least, CCH’s final requirement is for all its residents to pursue a dual degree with SMFA’s new Barista-to-Be Program, as living in the

We’ve all read past Daily articles covering the Tufts Housing Crisis and complained about the housing issues. In fact, we’ve all done this venting while drinking cups of mediocre coffee and/or standing in hour-long lines for more caffeine. The creation of Coffee Culture House is finally an indication of the Tufts administration listening to its students. With its ability to broaden the community with limited beds (who needs to sleep with all that caffeine), placement in the old Hodgdon Food-on-theRun dining facility, and already very useful CMHS services, CCH is providing its own form of therapy in the form of caffeine and high quality drinks. In summary, I think Tufts and Coffee Culture House are meant to bean.