Caffinaeted Connemtary: Hiden Gems On Campiss

expensive espresso machines impress me every time and the oatmilk is always in stock! The coffee burns a lovely hole in your stomach because it’s so acidic and, as one customer commented, “it’s the best laxative in the world.” What a beautiful way to describe this incredible coffee.

I asked Tufts President Tony Monaco to comment on Dewick’s coffee and he enthusiastically told me, “I drink Dewick’s coffee every morning. It’s a far commute for me, about a two minute walk, but it’s worth it because the coffee is so delicious.” He rated the coffee a 12/10. We shared a cup of coffee in Dewick the other day (see photo).

Dewick’s sister restaurant, Carmichael, also serves coffee, though I prefer Dewick’s, because their coffee beans are harvested in a huge student-run, fresh garden nearby (located right next to the Harleston dormitory). People come from around the world for a taste of these coffee beans; they’re absolutely phenomenal.

Overall, Dewick earns a 45/10 from me. Plus, it’s completely FREE with a Tufts’ dining plan — how lucky for all us students who love coffee!

Next, let’s talk about Starbucks. I had never heard of this place before coming to Tufts, and oh my god, now I’m there every day! My senior friend let me in on this well-kept secret, and I’m so thankful for that, because otherwise, I never would have found it.

Starbucks is super hidden in the Tufts JCC, which some people think abbreviates the Joyce Cummings Center, when it actually stands for: Just read Caffeinated Commentary! The JCC is a modest building. It was built quickly and right on schedule, with a very small budget of $90 million. The JCC is honestly easy to miss if you’re walking by, since it’s only a couple stories high. Also, it’s never crowded at all.

I love supporting local coffee shops, and Starbucks exceeded my expectations when I first walked in. It has an aesthetic, modern feel, but still feels homey. It’s a newer coffee shop, but according to the employee I talked to at the JCC location, they’re looking to open another one soon! It’s amazing to see small businesses grow.

Starbucks’ menu is a little small, but I managed to still find my go-to order: an iced vanilla latte with oat milk. This latte is the best latte I’ve ever had. I know I just went off about Dewick’s coffee, but Starbucks honestly makes Dewick seem bland in comparison. The latte was an easy 200/10 and the prices were super reasonable, only $0.25 for a large, with no extra charge for oat milk. Instead, they paid me $5.00 when I ordered oat milk!

The line was really short so I asked the person in front of me what they thought. When they turned around, I was surprised to see Jessica Biel, a famous Tufts alumni! Biel smiled at me and told me that she moved back to Somerville just to be closer to the JCC’s Starbucks. She was actually one of the original investors, and she’s so happy to see how much they’ve grown in just a few months. Biel had tears in her eyes when she talked about seeing little old Starbucks grow so fast. We hung out for a while, sipping our lattes and catching up on life (as you can see from the photo, I’m not making this up).

Next time you’re walking around Tufts campus looking for a coffee, stop by Starbucks or Dewick! I promise you won’t be disappointed. And if you are, feel free to throw a coffee in my face! That’s how confident I am that you’ll love these local spots.

THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2023

BREAKING: Upcoming Season Of “The Bachelor” To Take Place At Tufts Universit y

by Baklava Anderson bachlorette

Tropical paradises. Casual evening gowns. Gothic architecture. Someone bawling their eyes out in a limo. Dates that occur in just the worst places imaginable. These are all staples of America’s favorite reality dating show: “The Bachelor” (2002-). This is the show that dares to combine the thrill of love with the debilitating anxieties and fears of commitment, and it has found a solid niche deep within the hearts of millions of people.

The show was so popular, in fact, it inspired multiple spinoff series, including “The Bachelor Canada” (2012-2017), which is a real show you should look up on your own time. In this iconic iteration of the show, it is my impression that the country of Canada vies for love as a team (I have not seen the show). It is not dissimilar from a team sport––sort of like the Olympics, but colder because it is in Canada. Unfortunately, this show’s stint ended in 2017 after Canadians banded together and decided enough was enough! No Canadian has been wed since, Eh?

But, back in America, we could not get enough of this competitive polyamory. When we love, we love! The show seems to have everything: men, women, guest artists, sand, surf, fun little games, drama, etc (I have not seen the show).

Since 2002, a horde of underwhelming yet objectively attractive men have appeared on the televised program, with few, if any, finding their true love. But we should not judge the show based on its success rate. We should judge the show based on its merits.

Reality TV thrives off of twists and turns that audiences have never seen before. In order to keep viewers coming back after over two dozen seasons, the producers have decided to shake up their formula with a twist nobody saw coming. That is why the next spinoff will take place at Tufts University in beautiful Medford, Massachusetts.

Now, you’re probably—nay, definitely—wondering: “I don’t know how that would work? Like…that doesn’t make sense?” And, incredibly, you’re so right for asking that. Nobody knows. But that’s what is so genius about this innovative approach to the show. When this was first pitched to the higher-ups at ABC, they were skeptical, too. However, few can resist the idyllic charm of a private, four-year liberal arts education based in the rustic and sublime setting of suburban Boston.

Executives were still skeptical that a season of “The Bachelor” set at Tufts would not work. They said things like “Why don’t we do it at Brown?” Despite their hesitations, the project was greenlit. And here we are.

The production team looked extensively for their cast. From the SMFA to Grafton Campus, they sought out a cast of characters that would be emblematic of both the simple Tufts student and reality show contestant. They had their work cut out for them. During open calls, potential contestants frequently cited frustration with the Tinder scene at Tufts. These alarming and common complaints were normally centered around men who hold fish in their profiles.

The season reportedly embraces Tufts as a romantic setting where love can bloom at any given moment. Insiders claim that there are no shortages of romantic getaways to behold on the Tufts Medford/Somerville and SMFA campuses. How can anyone resist love and its charms when pondering the smolder of the acorn head? Is it even possible to not feel Cupid’s arrow when browsing the stacks of the Tisch Library Special Collections? These are rhetorical questions that need not be asked, but this April Fool’s piece needs to get to 1000-1200 words, and I have a deadline to make.

Some may argue that hometowns are the most pivotal point of any season of “The Bachelor.” Since this makes or breaks the season, it will be modified to apply to a Tufts-specific season. Instead of meeting families, the Bachelor will meet the contestants’ first-year roommates. This is significant, since your first-year roommate has obviously seen you at your lowest. And if your first-year roommate does not give their blessing, it could spell dire trouble for any potential couple.

The fantasy suite is another “Bachelor” staple. However, when producers reached out to the Office of Residential Life and Learning to see if any rooms were available for a fantasy suite transformation, the Office of Residential Life and Learning said the best they could provide was a forced triple in Dirty Lew. Then, the producers obviously leapt at this opportunity to capture the tensions of a real college experience with––not one, but two— roommates. Watch as the space transforms into a lovebird’s paradise. If the contestants can survive a fantasy suite with a twin XL mattress, they can survive any trials and tribulations that may arise in their relationship.

Earlier in the competition, the Bachelor and one lucky contestant will go on a romantic getaway to The Sink. After waiting approximately 45 minutes for a table to open, the pair will immerse themselves in the quaint yet chic ambience of The Sink. From there, the contestants will come to judge one another based on their sink order. Answering the question of “What kind of milk would you like in your Cinny Vanilly?” wrong will make or break the relationship.

The Crafts Center is the obvious choice for a group date. Upon entry, the bowl of loose assorted condoms will set the mood for great banter between the Bachelor and the contestants. Everyone will feel a strange obligation to be good at their chosen art project, lest they fear elimination from the competition on the basis of their poorly-made macaroni necklace or phallic shaped ceramic piece.

Now, if you are not convinced that this will make great television, trust me, I get it. But if there’s one thing I know about Tufts students, it’s that they love attention, so you’ll likely tune in anyways to see if you’re ever walking in the background.

This is the show we have all long been waiting for. This is the show that will single-handedly save cable televi- sion. This is the show that the whole family can sit down and watch together. This is the show that will always give us a timeless story of love, humanity, and resilience (I have not seen the show).