Natural Geographics

Natural Geographics

April 2015

HUMANS OF UBC That kid you thought you saw last week, but when you went up to him to say hi you realized it wasn’t him.

tracking carter The elusive beast.

recked at Wreck The hike of a lifetime.

behind the lens we’re better than you.

BC Scrub-jay (Homo milk) Size: dick, 26 - 28 cm (10.2 - 11.0 inches); batwing span, 34 - 41 cm (13.4 - 16.0 inches); tail, none Weight: Enough to party (cute love handles) Habitat: Tall grass and wet moss, also your mom’s house Surviving number: Estimated at one in a million.

WILDLIFE AS CANNON SEES IT “All I can say is wow.”

Staff photographer Pikachu Naked was dumbfounded at the clarity and silence of our new 7E Dave XVI. “I mean, the guy didn’t even notice me and I was shooting him for at least six hours, between masturbation breaks.”

The Dave XVI features a new XMAS sensor,

multi-point genital focus, and a revolutionary portability created specifically for tree climbing.

“I got up and down that oak with almost no effort, thanks to the light-weight, portable Dave XVI.” Cannon sees this as part of a whole new type of photography, one that no one, specifically the subjects, will see coming.

VOL. XCVI • NO. L.5

Natural Geographics

Our staff photographer performs a proverbial jerk-off photoshoot.

April 2015 Tracking Carter

The Steam Tunnels

Recked at Wreck

Staff Photographer

People of UBC

Squirrels

Our fearless staff follow the legendary squirrel hunter.

By Peter de Mansbridge Photographs by Johnson Tea

A valiant climb up a dangerous ocean-side cliff.

By Drew P. Balls Photographs by Hoggan’s Zeroes

The faces and places that make the university.

By Rockstar Photodick and Hoggan’s Zeroes

Where to zig and where not to zag in the underworld.

Graphics by Clay Aiken & Nocholus Wheatus

Our staff photographer is amazeballs.

Words and Photographs by Rockstar Prophotodick

These furry little creatures will tear your heart out.

Words and Photographs by David Bearheart

Goopta in the Wild

Goopta in his natural environment.

Text and Photographs by BillBillBillBillBillBillBill

I’ll never forget the first time I picked up my Cannon™ 7E Dave XVI and went outside to photograph the natural world and make fun of poor kids. I was 14 and I had a new superpower. I could freeze time. I was happy. I was important. I mean, I was important before, but I was like, super important after I bought a camera.

I learned so much in my first afternoon. There’s a lot that goes into good photography. The angle of your foot, the speed of the kick, the density of the sand flying into your subject’s eyes all have to come together in exactly the right way to produce the kind of framed perfection you can get off to.

Not that you would understand. Our level of photographic

supremecy is far beyond what any non-Natural Geographics photographer could ever hope to achieve.

Our team of photographers is the best in the world. I mean how many nude photoshoots have you done in your lifetime? None? That’s what I thought. My friend Dave has done like 20. Holy shit, right? That’s pretty fuckin’ impressive.

Dave here. I did that.

Hey it’s Steve again lol. This is the point where I’d tell you all about the content in this issue, but I’ll save you the trouble and just say the tits are on page eight.

-Steve out

page 20

ON CAMPUS

Photograph by Johnson Tea

Tracking Carter

By Peter de Mansbridge

Crouched in the darkness, two field technicians squint at land Coyote Project, using GPS collars and cameras to a laptop, hoping to catch a glimpse of Point Grey’s most track coyotes’ movements near B.C.’s largest metropolitan area. Scientists at the Lower Mainland Coyote Projelusive creature.

“Squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrel,” Jason Perkins says, flip- ect are hoping to learn everything they can about these ping through photos. “Oh — racoon.” creatures: what they eat, when they mate, and why they Perkins is studying images from a camera stashed even exist in the first place. These are the kinds of obseveral hundred metres south of the UBC fountain, servations that can most effectively inform conservation efforts like the occasional email amongst a cropping of bushes alert or safety bulletin. below a large oak tree. Scientists guess that the UBC coyote, “Coyotes are fairly import“They aren’t even ant,” says Sarah McMaster, known popularly as Carter, dangerous, I don’t president of the Kerrisdale often prowls this area. But tothink. Sometimes I wish night, the animal is nowhere to Conservation Fund, which be seen. operates the Lower Mainland I specialized in wolves That isn’t always the case.

Coyote Project. because they are, like, As UBC’s sprawling campus actually pretty cool.”

A rather boring animal creeps further into the surrounding ecological reserve, Solitary and stealthy, coyotes more and more coyotes are finding themselves living close to bus stops, high rises live in roughly half the province. But unlike cougars, and obnoxiously loud first-years. Occasionally, they end bears or wolves, coyotes are not particularly interesting up right in the middle of campus, but rarely do they stay or exciting. Apart from eating the occasional squirrel for any long periods of time. Carter, however, has decid- and chasing small dogs, they have very little impact on ed to make UBC his home. the ecosystem.

This is why Perkins and his colleague, David Hadley, “They aren’t even dangerous, I don’t think,” says Mcare laying silently in a tent on a grassy outlook at the end Master. “Sometimes I wish I specialized in wolves beof Main Mall. They’re working with the Lower Main- cause they are, like, actually pretty cool.”

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Natural Geographics • April 2015

Putting Carter on the map This map shows Carter’s known locations over the past year, using data gathered from Instagram and Twitter.

Nov 10 2014

Jan 6 2015

Dec 1 2014 Nov 21 2014

Jan 14 2015

Dec 16 2014

Nov 8 2014

Mar 4 2015

Jason Perkins camps out on Main Mall, hoping to snap a photograph of UBC’s most famous coyote.

Despite their well-known boringness, coyotes are being studied closely by Perkins and Hadley. The pair of scientists have been following the creatures for the past 25 years, often going to great measures just to find them.

One time, several years ago, they trekked as far as Langley to study a group of coyotes living near a farmer’s field.

Their most recent expedition brings them to Point Grey campus, where they have been tracking Carter for the past three days. After two unsuccessful nights, they are hoping to finally catch a glimpse of its scrawny, doglike figure.

“Why does it choose to live here? That’s what I’m most interested in,” says Hadley. “I mean, of all the other places it could go, why here?”

Hadley hypothesizes that Carter was attracted to the campus due to its abundant squirrel population, as well as the fact that nobody seems to care that there is a wild animal roaming around. Unlike coyotes in other

urban areas, Carter did not receive any opposition from UBC’s human population. In fact, Carter has become an adored, almost celebrity-like figure on campus.

A new strategy Perkins and Hadley’s stake out once again proved to be unsuccessful. However, while checking their Twitter feeds the next morning, they saw 14 different photos and three videos of Carter on campus. After seeing the amount of attention the creature was attracting on social media, they decided to switch to a different method of tracking.

“It’s safe to say we’ll be adjusting our strategies,” says Perkins. “From now on we’re just going to watch the ‘ubccoyote’ hashtag on Twitter. No more cameras, no more fancy GPS gear. All we need is our MacBooks and some Wi-Fi.”

MORE ONLINE INTERACTIVE

Track Carter’s whereabouts in realtime using data collected from social networks. bit.ly/19yAsTy

6 Natural Geographics • April 2015

Recked at

Wreck

The harrowing tale of a brave soul spat into the depths of the nastiest climb on campus.

T

Drew P. Balls, Age 21 (1993-2017)

he way down was smooth. The moss cushioning the edge of each step provided a cloud of green schmaltz, lessening the impact of the weight of my body on my knees as I descended the stairs to the starting point of what has been called ‘man’s greatest adventure.’

The weather was mediocre. I had packed enough for the expected journey, plus several more layers, magazines, carabiners, mirrors, condoms, floodlights, endangered mammals, sherpas, and some disposable cameras in the event of losing my photographer. I had saved my favourite Instagram filters for emergency experience sharing, and my Snapchat was preloaded and ready to go. I was ready.

We began on the Tuesday, after a couple of false starts. There was an abundance of distractions on the beach, so as we explored, we collected leaves, mud samples and photographs of the ebbing waves. Yet nothing can recreate the experiences we had.

The first hours were pleasant. The methodical, metronomic plodding of our feet was the only sound, aside from our breath, my iPod and the other travellers taking on the challenge for exercise. As we turned around, we could barely see the bottom of the stairs or the beach.

But we knew it was there.

Wreck Beach, UBC This 336-mile-long beach is home to a bunch of naked people in the summer.

continued from previous page

It was comforting, in the dark of the first night on the stairs, to know that our inner indecisiveness was as wide and as wavering as the ocean.

The serene brutality of the waves we could hear in the back of our minds was our incentive to keep going on this journey.

The second day was harder. There was rain and the moss no longer felt like a cushion to our weary feet. It felt like a mocking trampoline or foam mat, with its beauty hiding its destructiveness.

We passed, on our way, others who had tried and failed to take the same path as we. We saw men, we saw women, and all tried to make us surrender.

“There are other ways,” one called out, reaching her shrivelled, pruney hand out towards us. “There are other stairs. There are other paths. Why are you subjecting yourself to this horror?”

But so we continued.

“Man, unlike any other thing organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work and dreams. He walks up the stairs of his concepts, and emerges ahead of others.” This was a mantra we learned from some of the beach-dwellers. That seemed so long ago now. How simple our life had seemed before embarking on this journey of the stairs. The rest of the night was a blur. I remember groups of youths travelling downwards, past us. We tried to warn them, but to no avail.

On the third day, our journey continued. We were worryingly low on food, but had gathered an abundance of water in our boots, which we had left out overnight to collect rain and dew.

“What is the point of climbing these stairs,” I asked Jim, a man who had been lost at the midway bench stop since St. Patrick’s Day. “If we cannot reach the ultimate roof by the end?”

His response, I know, will stay with me long after the chill from the trip has left my bones. “Never look backwards,” he said. “Or you’ll fall down the stairs.”

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Natural Geographics • April 2015

These words gave us a sense of renewal, revitalization and rejuvenation. The moss, the damp and the other struggling travellers no longer were a worry. The sounds of the birds became a comfort after the silence following the death of my iPod battery. When the sun came out at the time of our midday meal, we could appreciate the dappled light through the trees, and came to acknowledge the ease at which we might learn to love the Stairs.

That afternoon we met a man, recognizable as a seasoned veteran of the Stairs. “I started out on trail 3 back in June,” he said. “Planning to complete trail 7 by May, and after that, I’m set to discover more routes.”

Now on our third day, our route certainly seemed a challenge.

“This is the gnarliest trail I’ve seen yet,” said the unnamed veteran.

“You guys are champions.” This was cheering. I just wish I hadn’t lost my cameras, and that there was 4G in this remote area. It would have been hashtag-worthy.

Hashtag-worthy experiences, however memorable we desire them to be, are not forever. Just as my phone battery and our food, all adventures must come to an end. We reached the top of the Stairs at dawn on the fifth day. Never before had bicycle racks, washrooms and the back view of a residence looked so alien. After 120 hours of toil, sweat and pain, we had reached the top.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to adjust back to civilian life.

Walking on horizontal earth was disorienting and puzzling, making us realize how much the Stairs had changed us. Unable to walk for extended periods of time, we found our way to the C18, and made our way to the Point Grill. Sitting in front of my platter of pancakes and eggs Benedict, I could finally reflect upon the enormity of what had been accomplished.

Only at this moment did I realize: I will do this again. Maybe even sober.

Serenity The tranquility of rocks and water are enjoyed by many sad, stressed students throughout the year.

Luckily, I was professional enough to handle this very dangerous climb. I’m, like, really good at climbing.

Photos by Rockstar Prophotodick & Hoggan’s Zeroes Recked at wreck

9

An Inside Look: Termites at Saunder

After giant, flesh-eating termites are discovered within the confines of the Henry Angus Building, undercover writer J-dawg Zazou reports on what he saw.

As if it wasn’t hard enough to get into it already, the Saunder School of Business has become completely overrun by giant flesh-eating termites bent on world domination. We promise this isn’t a metaphor.

Although they generally feast on wood, the termites built colonies in the Henry Angus Building instead of the Forestry building because, like all of us, they agree that the Forestry building is just too fucking far away. As a result of the invasion, thousands of Saunder students have been forced to take refuge in Buchanan, where they have had to share classes with those poorly-dressed Arts students.

“They don’t even wear suits to class,” said Saunder refugee Robert Carter. “Peasants, all of them.”

Since the invasion, the termites have been feasting on first-years, ramen noodles, Blue-Chip cookies, that suit that your mother spent way too much money on, your homework and the construction site of the new SUB (yeah, you were wondering why it was taking so long to complete).

Unfortunately, UBC has not been able to afford an exterminator, as budget cuts from the provincial government have forced the university to cut back on any forms of extraneous spending. Before UBC can liberate Saunder, their initiative is to first focus on completing more-crucial areas of spending, such as the renovation of every single building on campus.

Despite their human-eating nature, the termites have slowly but surely begun to fit into the campus community. In adapting to their environment, they’ve started to behave like regular university students: they drink too much coffee, they watch a lot of Netflix and they’re just as heartbroken over Zayn Malik leaving One Direction as you are.

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Natural Geographics • April 2015

The termites even threw a toga party in the Saunder lobby for all to attend. Although the students were pretty confused why the termites played Carl Douglas’ “Kung-Fu Fighting” on repeat the entire night, the general consensus was that the party was a success.

“I tell you man, those termites have some pretty strong weed,” said fifth-year geography student Wolf Powers. “They did the greatest prank ever last night: instead of spray-painting the Engineering cairn, they ate the whole E! It was wicked, man.”

However, Goopta has been getting pretty fed up with the Termites’ weed smoke, so we requested an interview with their leader. They accepted, as long as we brought them Mercantes.

Turns out even termites love Mercantes.

The termites led me through a dark hallway towards a staircase.

They directed me into the penthouse office, leaving me alone with their termite leader who sat with his back turned to me and a cigar in his mouth.

“Hold on, I need to assume my human form” the leader said, and within a matter of seconds he had shapeshifted into his true identity: Drake — because of fucking course Drake is in this article somewhere.

“Drake! You took over Saunder?” I asked.

“Indeed,” he said. “You see, world domination has been my goal from the start. Pop radio just doesn’t satisfy my hunger anymore. I need to control Canadian schools with my termites in order to spread my influence to Canadian youth. Today, Saunder; tomorrow, Sprott Shaw Community College! But first, I need to feast on liberal arts students.”

It is still unconfirmed whether or not the termites reached Sprott Shaw Community College, probably because nobody actually goes there.

domination After staking their claim to the walls and hallways of Saunder, the insects will continue to rise in power. As of now, there is no counter to their rememarkable inability to be squashed. If their climb continues, the whole of UBC may be next. And then, the world.

a bit of history

VILLAGE FOODCOURT

REBEL RISE The basement

1947 The roots of the invasion begin. Rebels rise.

takeover Finally

2010 Fall of conservative government due to coup.

Supremacy All hail

2015 The overlords reign supreme and liberal arts students fall.

The

H um ans of UBC The University of British Columbia is home to many “humans.”

Luckily for you, our crack team of photographers took some time off from climbing Mt. Everest to capture them in their full glory.

Did we mention how good these photos are? They’ll probably win, like, at least three awards.

Photographs by Rockstar Prophotodick and Hoggan’s Zeroes

HELL Amidst the sea of rabid, studious academics are students awaking from hangovers.

They are as much a part of campus as you are — maybe more so — but the construction worker (Detour Maximus) often goes unnoticed among the wide variety of devious traps they lay. This specimen has just finished tearing up a perfectly mediocre sidewalk, and now lies in wait for first years to trip on the gravel.

This student politician (Magnus Mouthus) strikes a powerful pose as he celebrates a recent victory over a worthy competitor. Confident in his strength, this student politician enjoys the moment’s stillness before returning to “work.�

14

The Engineering student (Tunica Rufus Prankus) has been hardened by his tough course load and is indulging in his favorite alcoholic beverage.

He seems lost in his space, unaware of his surroundings and the threats that surround him.

After a long day of networking and updating her LinkedIn profile, this magnificent Saunder student (Conceitus Pecunia) prepares for a night of rest and relaxation before sending her resume to every financial firm in Vancouver.

The Science student (Dorkus Dorkus) displays a beautiful array of skills and a mastery of her craft. Until recently, it was undetermined whether Science students could stay in the sun for extended periods of time.

This tenured professor (Nofux Givvun) is unfazed by the camera. Boldly standing in the parking lot, the casual demeanor carried by this professor is one of job security and not giving two shits about “learning outcomes.”

Natural Geographics • April 2015

After a thrilling work out in the Bird Coop, this Kin student (Hominus Lanista) demonstrates power and determination through her show of athletic prowess.

The Arts student (Laborious Retailii) appears to be startled by the camera as she anxiously protects her most prized possessions – her MacBook and fresh cup of Starbucks. It’s truly thrilling to see such a display of emotion as she reeled in a defensive disposition after having her major discovered.

It’s quite a surprise to see such a young first year (Alcohus Pitnox) out in the wild like this one. However, sporting a poorly fitted UBC sweater and a lanyard around his neck, this fledgling struts around with pride as his first tequila bottle and his new iClicker betray his inexperience during his first wanderings on campus.

The common sorority sister (Peppis Selfieii) told us not be mean.

humans of ubc

15

HARD

Goopta in the Wild

UBC president Alvin Goopta made an intrepid journey across his property, the Norman McMoney House. The epic trek saw him traverse the expansive lawns for a gruelling three days. He set up a tent each night, not sure how far he had gone, or when he’d ever reach the end of this property. The only thing that kept him going through all those long days was the appealing sound emanating from the tennis courts, and promise of increased international rankings acheived through research funding and higher tuition.

When alone at night, he reflected upon his whole outlook on life. He came to the realization that university rankings are irrelevant, as long as the university brings in enough money to maintain the lawns of the presidential manor and refinish the tennis courts every few years.

Tent Talk

This image traces the path Goopta and his tent took on his soul-searching journey. While he didn’t make it completely to the edge of his lawn, it was no small feat.

Goopta made use of this tent to stay sheltered during the cold, lonely nights. A staple item for all outdoor enthusiasts, this model costs a mere $20,000, or less than five per cent of Goopta’s annual salary. In addition to being fully weather-proof, it sports a kitchen, bathroom, and lounge area. The next model of the tent, currently commisioned for development by Goopta, will be a high-rise version, complete with condos and several graduate research facilities. Due to a lack of funding from the province, the project will be financed with money drawn directly from students’ bank accounts.

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Natural Geographics • April 2015

TimeXXX Watches On the wrist of any successful executive or explorer, you’ll find an equally successful watch.

Crafted from only the finest mercury, our Timeless watch is a crucial addtion to your wardrobe.

You want this. Buy it. Now.

LEGAL NOTICE

If you’ve purchased a TimeXXX watch you may be entitled to payment from a class action settlement Para recibir información en español, diríjase a www.killer-watches.com A settlement has been reached in class action lawsuits against The TimeXXX Watch Co (“Defendants”) regarding the TimeXXX Timeless watch. The lawsuit claims the Defendants’ TimeXXX watch induced mental health problems, sickness, and in some cases, death. The Defendants have falsely marketed the watch. They continue to stand by their products and advertising.

Who’s Included? The settlement includes all Persons in the United States (including U.S. Territories and Puerto Rico) and Canada who purchased the TimeXXX timeless watch anytime after June 2009. You are not included in the settlement if you purchased more than one of theses watches, because then, you are obviously an idiot and deserve what you got.

What does the settlement provide? People included in the settlement (if still living) who submit a valid Claim Form will receive $3,000 as reimbursement for the watch and up to $20,000 per lost limb, or $500 for each finger that lost dexterity. Skin grafts may also be covered if proper

documentation of the exact amount of flesh lost is provided.

How do you get benefits? You must submit a valid Claim Form by April 10, 2015. Claim forms may be submitted online or at the Norman Mackenize House in person.

Your Other Options If you do nothing, your rights will be affected and you will not get a settlement payment. If you do not want to be legally bound by the settlement, you must exclude yourself from it. Unless you exclude yourself (or are already deceased) you will not be able to sue or continue to sue the Defendants for any claim resolved by this settlement or released in the Class Action Settlement Agreement.

The Court’s Fairness Hearing The U.N. district Court for the middle district of Florida, located at 6138 Student Union Boulevard, will hold a hearing in the case on March 20, 2016 to consider whether approve (1) the settlement; (2) Class Counsel’s request for an award of attorney’s fees, costs and expenses up to $678,000,000,000 (3) Alvin Goopta’s request for a new car. If approved, these will be awarded immediately.

You

ain

n’t

shit.

Our staff photographers climb mountains, track ligers, eat shit you can’t pronounce, and live in penthouse suites all because of one simple fact: they’re better than you. And not just at taking pictures, they’re better looking, better dressed, smarter, and funnier. You’ll never achieve their level of greatness. Never.

A flesh-eating devil squirrel (Satanus Carnivorious) imitates its distant cousin — the eastern grey squirrel — by pretending to eat a hazelnut. It lures in would-be predators through its similarities to its herbivorous relative before brandishing its talons and revealing the hellish spirit within it.

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Natural Geographics • April 2015

SEXY

Picture Perfect

One of the most iconic images of all time combines two of the best elements of our magazine — our photographers and our photographers at work. On this date, Rockstar Prophotodick took a few moments out of his busy day filled with artistic vision, adventure, exploration, and self indulgence to pose for one of our still amazing, but lesser photographers.

Just before this shot, he captured an iconic image of a lion the only way possible — through a $12,000 Cannon lens. Just after this shot was taken, he took off in a helicopter to shoot photos of a previously uncontacted group of people. Upon arriving there, he immediately asserted his dominance by slaughtering a zebra with his bare hands.

Our photographers have always been a staple of our publication since it launched in 1888. This April 1, 2015 issue will go down as the first time this artist showed his perfect face in our pages from the other side of the Cannon camera.

NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS (ISSN 1918-2015) PUBLISHED MONTHLY BY THE NATURAL GEOGRAPHICS SELF INDULGENT SOCIETY, 6138 STUDENT UNION BOULEVARD. ONE YEAR MEMBERSHIP $10,000. DELIVERY TO CANADA $50 PER ISSUE. $300 IF A PONDEROSA ELEVATOR IS INVOLVED. ACCOUNTS PAYABLE TO JACK-OFF HOW-THEN, SENIOR SELF-MASTURBATORY STAFF OF THE SOCIETY. ALL IMAGES CONTAINED HEREIN ARE SOLEY FOR SELF-MASTURBATORY PURPOSES OR TO INSPIRE YOUNG PHOTOGRAPHERS TO GROW TO NEW HEIGHTS OF EGO TRIPS AND PRODUCE ART FOR ART’S SAKE (AS LONG AS IT PAYS WELL).

We don’t get service anywhere. Not even on Broadway. Mad?

Cry about it.

Real Customer Experience “I mean, I get service but only if I don’t leave my Gastown loft. I took it to Richmond once and nothing. Just nothing. You wouldn’t believe how little you can do with these things without a connection.”

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