2018 Spoof: Oh-No Magazine

THE SATAN OH- NO M AGAZIN E

some. motto. about. life.

Contentious Topics

What to say when people ask you the hard questions without pissing them off

HEALTH TIPS

How to surgically optimize your body for social media

Why the cello actually gets you LAID A LOT IF YOU CAN READ...

Fiction!

Fiction! Lust!

Lust!

Self-help!

Self-help!

April 2018 $19.18 ubyssey.ca/oh-no

OhNo!

Neutral Positions on

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Hello all, Thanks for picking up our first ever edition of OhNo! Magazine, the lifestyle magazine for wealthy university presidents like me, Satan Oh-No. Inside you’ll find some of my fashion tips, favourite books and pieces of wisdom to pump up your social media game, all written by our expert columnists and, most importantly, me.

This publication will shed some light on the struggles that I have on a daily basis.

You’ll find out how I choose my bowties and how I decide if I want to post on Instagram every two minutes or every three minutes.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “How much did this cost?” and, “Why was this necessary?” to which I’ll reply, “Wow, that’s a lot of thinking!” I’m sure after you peruse these well-crafted

pages you’ll be fine with the massive amount of tuition money and government subsidies that went into its production.

Thank you all for being a part of this journey, and I hope you learn more about running a university than I have.

Regards, Satan Oh-no

Writers: Anjaleh Irishname, Mai Boetye, Fjørk Knievenspoon, Andy Roo, Ernst Emingwhat, Kaz Mascara, Pisstain Weiner, Pepe Sylvia, Kale MacLachlan, Josh Is Easy, Joolia Burntham, Kon Jay, Poopie Buttcliffe. Photos: Bearstone Kleine, Latina Mami, Chestnut Wong, Pooptrick Villain.

Illustrators: Dylan Audrey, Pnurb, Wormyfood. Designer: Ua Lins. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 2 april 2018

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Oh-YES! 5 The best bowties to make people forget you haven’t apologized for residential schools

9 Oh-No’s Twitter Tips: Building your online brand to excavate yourself from the crushing reality of late capitalism

6 How to surgically optimize your body for social media

The Best For You 10 Oh-No’s favourite things

Satan Tips 7 How to make Marles Chenzies feel heard

11 What’s in Satan Oh-No’s bag?

8 Budget tips for sessional lecturers

12 Three alumni start-ups that I use that you should too

16

Reading Room 14 Oh-No’s book club Satan Says 15 What students really mean when they talk about fall reading break 16 Why the cello actually gets you laid, a lot

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19 Neutral positions on contentious topics 20 Five mottos I thought were way cooler than “A Place of Mind” Features 22 Finally: Satan Oh-No apologizes for making other universites look bad

17 20 Questions with 23 Question of the month Satan Oh-No 18 Why I’m militarizing my photography drone

ubyssey.ca/oh-no 3 april 2018

23 Ask Satan

Oh-YES!

The Best Bow Ties to make people forget that you still haven’t apologized for residential schools

by Fjørk Knievenspoon

Steal t he look!

Getting dressed in the morning for a long day of busking in the TrySkain, schmoozing with donors and paying lip service to institutional racism against Indigenous people at UBC requires a level of versatility that only a bowtie can provide. These fancy bow ties scream “No comment!” to all those pesky journalists, students and survivors. You will go from dusk to dawn without a single person bringing up the fact that you still haven’t resolved the “scheduling conflicts” that caused you to cancel your apology for UBC’s involvement in the Indian Residential School System.

The “Trudeau Sock” Just like our Prime Minister, Indigenous people matter to you only when you can snap a quick selfie for your Insta and swiftly cancel your public acknowledgement of the intergenerational trauma in which UBC was complicit, so why not go for a bowtie as bold as his socks? It works for him!

Studded Sensation

Classic & Conservative Not feeling so bold about your alltalk-no-action Indigenous reconciliation strategy? The classic, conservative navy bow tie is the demure choice that subtly asks people to forget that UBC invited, disinvited, apologized to and then reinstated an alleged abuser of Indigenous children to speak at an event in the same year that you cancelled an official apology for your university’s support of institutional racism. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 5 april 2018

Nothing says “edgy and relatable” and “putting the final nail in the coffin of UBC’s reconciliation effort” like a metal-studded bowtie emulating a cool rockstar!

While it could symbolize the nails in the reconciliation pole that represent each child subjected to the abusive system, at a glance the studs are simply another ornament of the UBC PR machine that fuels your popularity and has so far successfully distracted people from the fact that your apology is now VERY overdue.

Oh-YES!

How to surgically optimize your body for social media

So you’ve been hired as president of a university! This position comes with a lot of responsibility, and chief among them is stocking up your social media with lots of photos of your adorable face doing things! It’s hard to keep that up over the years of stress and unaddressed faults in your institution, so I’ve compiled a list of procedures to keep you looking tight

by Pepe Sylvia and Insta-ready!

Facelift The ravages of aging are inescapable. So, until next year’s inevitable tuition increase, I’ve elected to get a face lift! My surgeon says that by this time next week, my eyebrows will be indistinguishable from my hairline!

Botox As university president, you’re going to face a lot of questions that you find strange, confusing and nonsensical. They’ll probably be ones that you’ll just want to emote at in some way. So, when a student asks why UBC just put up a reconciliation pole rather than actually apologizing for residential schools, try Botox! It’s how I keep my face completely expressionless when a gaunt, sallowfaced student asks me why he has to pay $800 more in tuition this year if he ever hopes to get an unpaid internship after he graduates!

Fake abs Hilarious.

Microchips I can now telepathically know when I gain or lose Twitter followers. When I lose a follower, I get a mild electric shock. When I gain one? Well, I’ll leave that up to the imagination. I can also turn my lights off by thinking about the cello and given the campus seagulls tumours. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 6 april 2018

Satan`s Tips

How to make Marles Chenzies feel heard WE ALL HAVE to work with people we just don’t see eye to eye with, but making them feel heard before you use the corporate power of the Board of Governors to quash them is essential to a healthy working relationship. Here are some ways to make your colleague and outspoken professor of anthropology or something, Marles Chenzies, feel like you’re listening to his opinion before you go ahead and vote to raise tuition by two per cent again. by Fjørk Knievenspoon

outfit will listen as much as the real you would (if not more!) when Chenzies has something on his mind.

OPTION 2 A Twitter bot to tweet him back at the speed of light

illustration by Pnurb

them at next month’s Board session.

OPTION 3 A tin can phone between your offices

From your perch OPTION 1 A cardatop Koerner Library, board cut-out of you can juuuust yourself in his office make out the top of Chenzies’s office Chenzies would No one knows how in ANSO, but the certainly feel more Chenzies manages to walk is too far and included in decision- tweet his every wak- his tweets indicate making processes ing thought during he probably doesn’t if you were always Board meetings with- trust phones. A tin around to silently out even using his can phone is the only listen to a quick rant hands, but you’re not communication soluagainst building going to get caughttion for you two that more private housing up in the physics of is both low-tech and on campus with a it all. Set a bot to feasibly derailed by a smile on your face. automatically reply to misguided tree-trimA life-size cut-out of all of his tweets and mer who is definitely yourself wearing your acknowledge his con- not your assistant in most community cerns as robotically coveralls. consultation-friendly as you will dismiss ubyssey.ca/oh-no 7 april 2018

Satan’s Tips

t e g d u b s ’ o N h l O a n o i s s e s r o f tips s r o t c u instr

photo by Chestnut Wong

Being ruthlessly ground by the machine of higher education’s contract-teaching fetish amid decades of neoliberal education cuts is no fun. But don’t fret!

Aside from your Fiverr gig as a wealthy aristocrat’s footstool, there are a number of ways you can save an extra couple bucks on the side. Hey, pretty soon you might have enough for a two-zone transit pass!

by Pisstain Weiner and Kon Jay

Pasta stir sticks and ketchup make a healthful meal While everyone loves a good spaghetti dinner, pasta and tomato sauce are simply a luxury that not everyone can afford!

Our campus cafes and eateries are full of free ingredients to make a bolognese that would make any Italian nonna say, “Mangia!”

Pass a hat around after lectures It works for street magicians and lord

knows they’re making more money than you. Hell, their parents might actually respect their career choices. Ask students at the end of the lecture if they learned anything today and what knowledge is worth to them (suggest that it’s worth around $5).

Plug your Patreon Lifelong research just not cutting it? Find an angry group of conservative-leaning young men and pander, pander, pander!

Take advantage of the new ARC recreational space to shower We created a new showering facility so you don’t need to install one in your car!

Work for an exam cheating service for your own course Ethics and moral principles fly out the window in the funnest way when you’re strapped for cash. Imagine how invaluable you’d be to the students of your course when you shamefully hand

ubyssey.ca/oh-no 8 april 2018

over the answer to the only thing that you’ve ever loved.

Write a Medium post defending “campus free speech” and get a perpetual column in the Globe and Mail The only way 90 per cent of the male population over 40 can get hard is if they hear about the “PC hellscapes” of university campuses.

That’s a big, sweaty audience, so find your own “novel” take and start writing!

s ’ o N Oh s p i T r Twitte

illustration by Dylan Audrey

Building your online brand to distance yourself from the crushing realities of late capitalism

Inequality is rising throughout BC, dangerous pipelines are proposed as an economic boost and rising tuition costs are turning higher education into excursions for the rich valuable learning experiences. If you happen to be complicit in any of those phenomena — particularly the last one — cool! With a snazzy Twitter profile that displays your charismatic personality and progressive politics that are about as deep as an oil spill, you can successfully conceal your ill-fated role as a pawn of late capitalism!

America around. Diversity is the future — let it enrich the campus as your students become young cosmopolitans.

Don’t bother asking them how much they’re paying to be here.

Satan’s Tips

Promote the work of scholars Research and intellectual pursuits are some of the most boring goals of universities.

They help us not only understand all the complex phenomena of our world, but also to figure out how many ways we can scare away readers. So smash that mf retweet button and give them the publicity they deserve! After all, it’s much easier to do that than to adequately pay your underemployed sessional lecturers who have to take two teaching jobs to afford their basic needs.

Be kind, open and agreeable to everyone Twitter can be a cruel, bilefilled place. Be better than that. Be a beacon of kindness Post cute pictures of your and tweet your support to doggo everyone at your universiEveryone likes doggos, even ty. Professors, University of destitute students! If you’re Cincinnati athletes, activfeeling fuzzy, tweet a picture ists, University of Cincinnati of your beautiful dog Fido. donors, actors, memorable

by Josh Is Easy The kids will eat that shit guests, University of Cincinup — and the more doggo Show off the diversity of nati faculty, pundits, people pics you send out, the more that have nothing to do with your university campus, just not your international likely people will forget that your institution and even the you caved to alumni donors common student! Even if it’s tuition fees If you happen to run a universi- who threatened to stop their just for a brief moment, your ty with one of the most diverse donations after you disinkindness will give them the joy vited a speaker accused of student populations in North and support that your univerabusing multiple Indigenous America, show that off! Realsity’s horrendously backed-up children. ly parade those people from psychiatry service could never Asia, Africa, Europe and South give them. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 9 april 2018

The Best For You

Oh-No’s Favourite Things 2018 Here’s our annual list of gifts that have been tested and approved by Oh-No!

A UBC rocking chair “This is the perfect gift for any alumni or distinguished faculty members who are eager to throw away even more money at this institution. At a cool $1,075.95, this chair will let everyone know you’ve got tenure.”

A shadow tree “This holiday season, spoil the people you love by throwing excessive amounts of money at something literally no one asked for.

They’ll be so touched by your generosity!”

A birthday cake in the shape of a moon “When I was 11 years old, I said I wanted to have a birthday cake in the shape of the moon and my mother made me a birthday cake in the shape of the moon.”

A house that was given to me by a university “I like this house. I get to live in this house with my dog Fido. Sometimes, I let students come to my house for breakfast and take selfies with me. It’s a great house. You should get a house like this too.”

A car that was given to me by a university “I like this car. I get to drive this car around the university. Sometimes, I drive it along Main Mall when I feel sad. It’s a great car.

You should get a car like this too.”

A university that was given to me by a university “I like this university. I get to lead this university with the assistance of stressed out Public Affairs personnel who monitor my tweets. Sometimes, I even ignore student pleas for increased mental health services by posting photos of them on my Instagram. It’s a great university. You should get a university like this too.” ubyssey.ca/oh-no 10 april 2018

The Best For You

What’s in Satan Oh-No’s bag?

Best of Yo-Yo Ma

As a fellow cellist, it’s always good to keep track of my contemporaries. While Ma may not have the academic authority that I do, he does — somehow — draw bigger crowds than I. At least for now. I’m coming for you, you son of a bitch.

Red Vines

I miss Cincinnati and we can’t get Red Vines in Canada. Which is bullshit.

Copy of The Ubyssey

I always like to keep up with each week’s issue, and the issues that people want me to care about on campus. I mean, I’m not going to do anything about them, but it’s nice to think that people want me to care about them. Oh, I guess I HAVE circled the names of all the editors. Does that say “Kill List”?

That can’t be my handwriting.

Beaten-up Cincinnati tourism brochure

Polaroid photo of UC with a saucy note

Oh wow, this must be one of those pranks I've heard so much about! That’s the only way that could have gotten in there. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 11 april 2018

I like to keep a memento of things from my past with me sometimes. Any other day you’d catch me with either a shirt from Harvard, a mug from McGill or a lock of hair from UC.

The Best For You

Three alumni start-ups I use that you should too

by Kale MacLachlam

UBC is a world-class hotbed of inMcDonald’s novation, entrepreneurial spirit and, of course, start-ups. If you’re walking down Main Mall and see a student wearing business casual clothes, odds are they have a start-up that they’d love to have you invest in. Around Sauder, they congregate with the tenacity of Jehovah’s Witnesses outside of my door on a Saturday morning I don’t know if when I just want to fucking watch they’re an alumni wrestling and be alone! start-up, but they are everywhere! Go I selected three of my favourites to out and treat yourshare with students who should self to a burger. support local student businesses!

BioVibe Harvested from UBC’s own farms — organic, natural and phallic-shaped.

You’ll never have to worry about the murky origins of your dildos, anal beads or cock rings ever again, because it’s the UBC Farm. Get down and dirty with produce that was actually grown down in the dirt, and which will produce the dirtiest orgasms you’ve ever had, hands down. The best part is, when you’re done, everything is compostable! Prices start at $14. Please check the product to make sure you aren’t allergic to it (we’ve had issues in the past). ubyssey.ca/oh-no 12 april 2018

Calculatzr This new software start-up promises to disrupt the calculator industry by putting a fully-functional scientific calculator in all your dating apps. Using a simple, elegant design inspired by the old greats, this new app offers a free suite of incredibly reliable functions to help calculate whether or not to send a dick pic without all of the needless hassle of a physical calculator!

Keep your eyes out for this one when its beta version launches in a few months.

It’s revolutionary. You’ll have so much fun doing tan and sin functions, you’ll forget to show off your log.

Desperate?

Perfect.

Apply now for Generic Millennial Start-up’s unpaid internship program.

Trust us: it’ll, uh, pay off later.

Reading Room

Satan Oh-No’s Book Club If I could read, here’s what’d be top on my list:

Patriot Hearts: Inside the Olympics that Changed a Country A very fun read! I learned a lot about how perseverance and historical erasure can do a whole lot for a man. I hope to have this guy over sometime!

$600 Biology Textbook So much information in these puppies! And when you do the math, you’re probably only paying like $1 a fact, so when you think about it you’re actually getting a really good deal.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (first edition, $47,000) Sure, you could go to any bookstore in the world and buy a copy of the first Harry Potter book, but the story is so much better when you know the pages it’s printed on could have fully subsidized two low-income students’ tuitions for their entire degrees.

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists This book has taught me a lot about human interactions. The ideas of dominance, distraction and being ‘an Alpha’ have really gotten me to where I am today – and a big reason I got this gig.

The Little Engine That Could This is a beautiful story for people of all ages with a beautiful moral: if you just hang around long enough, good things will happen to you.

Beat-up Cincinnati tourism pamphlet I really do miss Cincinnati.

Images of its bland streets and uninteresting boulevards really get me nostalgic. Not to mention the lack of hard things to do. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 14 april 2018

Satan Says!

What students really mean when they talk about fall reading break If you’re an employee of UBC, chances are you’ve been asked at least once about fall reading break by a haggard, irritable student. Unless it’s got the word “donor” in front of it, things like “mental wellbeing,” “long-overdue” and “no, I don’t want to hear another TED Talk” start to sound like

“Can we have fall reading break?”

complete gibberish.

So to help you interpret the strange jibber-jabber that students use when trying to advocate for completely reasonable and fairly straightforward changes, here are some sample phrases and their meanings to get you through. by Kale MacLachlan

What they mean “Fall reading break? That would be an organizational nightmare! You’d have to be a multi-million dollar organization capable of coordinating thousands of events and meetings to be able to do that. We’re fine as is.”

Photos by Bearstone Kleine

“It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if UBC had decent support for students.”

What they mean

“That stress ball you handed out on Imagine Day solved my crippling depression!”

“I’ve been on the waitlist for UBC Psychiatry for six months.”

What they mean

“You know what’s a really important issue? The lack of Rain or Shines on campus.”

“Why isn’t there any “This is actually a really fall reading break yet?” important issue.”

What they mean

What they mean

“I find the increase in international tuition to be completely agreeable.”

“Ono’s Instagram solves all of my problems! I wish I had that much time for social media every day.”

“I really need a few days to not think about the over whelming possibility that my degree won’t get me a career in my field and I’ll have to move back in with my parents while working part-time at Red Robin to try to scrape together enough money for a basement suite in New West filled with rats.”

“Why can’t you people figure this out?”

What they really mean

“Take your time. We understand that you have massive investment portfolios to oversee.”

What they mean ubyssey.ca/oh-no 15 april 2018

“I would like to play with therapy dogs for 15 minutes.”

Satan Says!

Why the cello actually gets you laid A LOT

by Pisstain Weiner

illustration by Wormyfood

,,

At parties I have always been the cello guy. You know the one — in the dark corner, wraparound Oakleys, hordes of girls watching in awe.

You probably think that the cello is super fucking lame and that the people who play it are boring, sexless and bad at running a university — well, I’m not. I’m no Hef, but I have had my fair share of carnal, all thanks to my big, sad violin. There have been many times where, after making my cello moan and groan at a woman, she has said something like, “Oh, God, it’s so loud.” Then, I swoop in for the finishing blow — a sultry rendition of “In The Hall of The Mountain King” with full eye contact.

Have you ever seen the curves on a cello? It’s shaped exactly like a woman. As a matter of fact, I prefer the soft feminine curves of my cello to human interaction. What could be more erotic than an hourglass figure, a long,

ubyssey.ca/oh-no 16 april 2018

slender neck and four metal strings you play with a reed? It is the musical embodiment of eroticism!

At parties, I have always been the cello guy.

You know the one — in the dark corner, wraparound Oakleys, hordes of girls watching in awe.

First you hear the music — the Jaws theme, or the bassline to the Pirates of the Caribbean theme — then you look and feel true jealousy.

“Man, this guy’s cleaning up tonight,” you’ll all say. And I do.

I sometimes do.

Just try it one day.

Whip out that 200-yearold piece of gnarled, well-fingered wood — ha ha, hey, not that one!

You’ll be surprised at the raw, sexual dynamism of the favoured instrument of people whose hands are too meaty for the violin.

Satan Says!

20 questions with Satan Oh-no

1. Hi Dr. Oh-No — first of all, thanks so much for sitting down WE ALL KNOW the with me today. most important issue That counts as a quesat universities these tion. days is whether or not they serve as a podi- 2. Seriously? um for middle-aged That too. men to yell about how Marxists made their 3. Fuck. Okay — what dicks not work. And is your idea of perfect since learning about happiness? policy shit would Being the president of require actual effort, the University of CinCanada’s thinkpiece cinnati. generators respected university reporters 4. Which living person are in a bind whenev- do you most admire? er Lindsay Shepherd Hahaha, what? What isn’t palling around kind of a dumbass with Nazis. question is that? I most admire… fuckin’ ...

The content mines are Yo-Yo Ma, how about running dry and clicks that? Now you have to don’t come easy, baby. print that the person I most admire in the At last, a solution! entire world is Yo-Yo Guest Globe and Mail Ma. Feeling like a fool reporter Andy Roo now, little man? was kind enough to take time away from 5. Which living person quote-tweeting Jardon do you most despise?

Perterson to pen a Adolf Hitler. gleefully sycophantic fluff piece on one of 6. Oh, I said, “Living the most powerful person.” people in the country. Oh! Then Joseph Stalin.

UBC president?

Pass.

15. What’s your number one goal for the upcoming year?

Pass.

7. What’s the best present you’ve ever been given? 16. What’s your favourite Thunderbirds team?

The presidency of the University of Cincinnati. The Cincin– wait. Uh, pass.

8. What is your most 17. On what occasion do prized possession? you lie?

My wife.

Whenever anyone asks me how it’s going.

9. Your wife is your– I named my cello “my 18. That’s dark. wife.”

Yeah. I guess also to my actual wife, when she 10. Oh. asks why my cello lessons Yeah. take so long.

11. If you could change one thing about yourself, 19. What is your motto?

People will forget what what would it be?

I’ve always wanted to be you’ve said and what the president of the Uni- you’ve done, but they will never forget that you versity of Cincinnati. were the president of the 12.What are your thoughts University of Cincinnati. on the UBC strategic plan?

It’s cute that you think I 20. One last question here. What do you want read that. people to – We’re still doing this?

13. What are your perAlright I’m out of here. sonal politics?

Good luck with your I’m a diehard supporter of — and then could little journalism thing. you just put the current Keep an eye on the president of BC there?

Globe Sunday edition Thanks. for Roo’s 10,000-word

14. What is your proudest accomplishment as

ubyssey.ca/oh-no 17 april 2018

feature about how bike lanes encourage sexual deviancy.

Satan Says!

Why I’m militarizing my photography drone

It’s also — and this goes without saying — an incredible move for the university’s international reputation. Q University Rankings ONE OF MY greatest came up with a lot more likely to fill out recently deemed the Oh-nomatron (we’re joys in life is photog- of them. I realized my housing issues still working on the raphy. Recently, I’ve now that I was in fact survey when they name) Canada’s #1 been taking more looking at a list of have 2,000 rounds University robotic fear shots with my DJI high-ranking US air of armour-piercing Mavic Pro Drone to force commanders, semiautomatic pain machine, putting us just barely above Porcapture the splendour but interdisciplinary pointed at them. dan Jeterson’s Twitter of this gorgeous cam- learning is something account. pus we call home. we like to highlight at The drone’s first this institution. mission, Operation So now I’m miliSatan’s Sled, is an on- If you see the Bowtie Butterfly around tarizing it.

Thanks to these going security miscampus, be sure to snap upgrades, the Satan- sion on campus to That’s right! With just nator will provide protect students from a picture and upload to the small investment a range of valuable dangerous opinions, Insta with the hastag: of a whole damn duties on campus. such as not wanting #UBCDeathMachine.

I figure we only have lot of international Research from our tuition increases or about three weeks tuition money (or as engagement team, objecting to militabefore it becomes senI like to call it, pro for example, shows rized photography tient. b-oh-no!) I’ve tricked that students are a lot drones. out the Mavic with an infrared camera, several rocket launchers, a chainsaw and a spring loaded boxing glove. That’s how you take it from Mavic to Magic!

Why? I recently had a look at the qualities of some of our greatest presidents, and militarized drones ubyssey.ca/oh-no 18 april 2018

Satan Says!

Neutral Positions on Contentious Topics As the president of a perfect university, it is my duty to respond to controversy on behalf of the administration. It’s crucial to make sure everyone knows UBC is truly “a place of mind” where every opinion that doesn’t sway too far from the milquetoast norms of higher education is welcomed.

Here I have outlined my strategy for remaining strategically neutral to ensure I remain the millennial-friendly president my publicist proclaims me to be.

Tuition increases I’m told I should look like the cool president who advocates for affordability. But I also need to keep the donors happy by constantly building things, so I find it’s best to just say we won’t break the law and hope people assume that’s meaningful.

Existence of Bigfoot

With our campus being in the Pacific Northwest, the forest creature known as Bigfoot is hotly debated. People say that he’s a myth, but there could very well be Big“UBC will continue to foot sympathizers respect the provincial- on campus. Always ly-mandated two per have to be careful! cent limit on tuition increases. We will also “I have never seen continue to respect the Bigfoot with my laws on racketeering, own eyes, but I dairy farming and wouldn’t be surhomicide.” prised if it existed.”

Housing Affordability

There may be not enough beds on campus for Abortion Protests students, and many more are struggling to commute from whatever Once a year, when is outside of UBC. But the anti-abortion I’ve been told to remind displays go up outside the Nest, people people that I don’t control hang out and get mad the housing market and at each other. Some make sure to say “stratesay it’s unnecessary gic action plan.” Again, try just saying a fact, foland should not be allowed, and others lowed by something that’s impossible to prove. That argue whatever the opposite of that is. I way no one can say you’re address the issues by wrong! saying they’re both “The Vancouver rentimportant points al market affects all of with a vague stateus, but UBC remains ment that doesn’t committed to affordable promise action on student housing. UBC is either side. really broken up that you “Freedom of speech is can’t afford to pay rent a fundamental aspect and eat, but at the end of of UBC, and so is, uh, the day, that’s not UBC’s problem.” being a woman.”

ubyssey.ca/oh-no 19 april 2018

Satan Says!

Five mottos I thought would be way cooler than “A Place of Mind” While “A Place of Mind” is fun, snappy and cool, it was not our first choice when it was time to pick a motto. Here are a few options that I advocated for before they were all unfairly voted down by the Board of Governors:

UBC: #1 University for Earth and Ocean Sciences

Highlighting UBC’s second-cutest department of study is a longtime priority for my administration since its arbitrary promotion to number one. We passed on this because some former Board members felt that UBC might not remain the #1 school forever.

Which it will. Always. Forever.

UBC: A Place to grind

UBC: North Wesbrook Village

After getting our first ever Subway, we realized we’re quickly becoming a luxury destination for people who don’t know how to make their own sandwiches. We want potential UBC donors to know that the campus is a place of serene luxury, if places of serene luxury occasionally had small herds of drunk first-year students migrating from the Greek Village on the weekends.

During the ’90s I thought we could attract more cooler kids to the university — not the regular dweebs we always get — and realized skateboarding was the best image for unadulterated “cool.”

UBC: A Place of Resigned

UBC: Hey! I’m walkin’ here!

What better way to show other universities that we are not to be trifled with than quoting Dustin Hoffman’s famous improvised line from 1969’s Best Picture-winner The Midnight Cowboy?

This idea was floated after Armpit Goomba left to let everyone know it was safe to come back. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 20 april 2018

CiTR is a Tesla dealership now.

Listen, we got drunk the other day and we’re honestly not sure how it happened, but it did. The guy sold it really well. Oh god, it cost so much money. Oh, fuck. Why did we do this? Please help. oh-no.com.ca 24 april 2018

Finally

Satan Oh-No apologizes for making other universities look bad Photo by Pooptrick Villain

Dear everyone, It is time to apologize for and address a long, long historical issue.

I’m sorry you’re not UBC, and I’m sorry we make you look bad.

University of Toronto, you’re killing it! — but you’re not quite at our level. Have you tried installing a $400,000 sidewalk art piece? The Douglas fir is already taken, so maybe you could go with something that represents the city of Toronto? Like Drake, or sad people?

McGill, you used to be top dog! I’m sorry we stole your thunder. Maybe try harder!

Have you looked into being elitist? Oh! You have. What about being super annoying about everything? Oh, you’ve tried that too, eh? Well I’m at a loss here.

‘‘

I’m sorry you’re not UBC, and I’m sorry we make you look bad.

And to Berkeley, Harvard and all you other American schools, yes, you’ve got some fancy “prestige” and “nobel laureates,” but you just don’t have the same adorable inferiority complex that we

ubyssey.ca/oh-no 22 april 2018

here at UBC are truly proud of.

I’ve been hearing rumours of a place called SFU. I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure they’re doing their best.

Sincerely, Satan Oh-No

This month’s question

illustration by Dylan Audrey

Ask Satan Q: I want to have sex with the words “social media,” but my wife won’t let me. Help!

A: First and foremost, I just want to say that having sex with the words “social media” is a wonderful and life-altering experience that I would recommend to all. If your wife has been resistant to the idea, you can try reframing it as a professional necessity. Since I copulated with “social media,” I have gained a mastery over Twitter and Instagram that allows me to engage with university stakeholders on a completely tantric level. I would expect similar results if you do the same!

Q: Can we interview you? - Ubyssey staff A: No. ubyssey.ca/oh-no 23 april 2018

What do you like about UBC? [Answer redacted] - FOURTH-YEAR SCIENCE STUDENT “I love UBC because Fohn Jurlong is oppressed and can only speak at brave institutions, like ours, that protect my — er, I mean his — freedoms.”

- TOTALLY NOT FOHN JURLONG I really really think that we should not think live our university is a place that we should like.

It is merely and institution. UBC is not that great.

- SESSIONAL ENGLISH LECTURER SQUACK! - A SMALL, NAKED, FEATHERED STUDENT

YOU CAN LIVE AT UBC unless you’re poor or some shit

ACTING OSPREY DEVELOPMENT CO. commi ed to profitable social justice principles