UNIMON

The Dalai Lama once said that the purpose of life is to be happy. But I argue that the purpose of life is to cringe through really awkward moments until you lose all grasp of social cues and then die. Therefore, I’ve compiled a series of recommendations and stepby-step instructions for the really uncomfortable snapshots in our lives.

SCREWING THE CREW

You wake up one morning stinking of a heady mixture of vodka, goon, and sex. You groan upright and glance at your partner for the night. It’s your flatmate.

FREAK THE FUCK OUT At this point, it’s important that you freak the fuck out. To turn one night’s poor decision into one year’s awkward clusterfuck, let these baseless generalisations screw with your mind.

“Oh god, they’ve probably fallen in love with me.” “The sexual tension will tear this flat apart!” “The rest of the flat is going to hate me for this!” Ignore that they wouldn’t have been true until you let them control your actions. Rationality shouldn’t cross your mind at this point; you’ve got a flat to screw up.

DON’T SAY ANYTHING TO ONE ANOTHER Conversing is a gateway to bringing events that need to be talked about into a space where they can be worked out. Because of this, it is imperative that you don’t talk to the person you slept with. I understand that it is sometimes a bit hard to confront things that you don’t want to talk about. This is why you don’t want to talk about it. This is why you should never, ever confront any of your problems. Ignoring problems makes them disappear. AVOID Now that you have ceased speaking to one another, try to avoid contact with your lover. Locking yourself in your room and eating alone should be enough. If it crosses your mind that you are acting a little insane and should just talk reasonably with the person, you are obviously thinking rationally, and you must stop it immediately.

ATTACK CRITICISM If anyone in the flat tells you that you are overreacting, immediately overreact. Shout at them that they do not understand how you feel and completely ignore the possibility that they just want to help. If they tell you that your behaviour is the reason this is all going wrong, slap them.

ACT LIKE THIS ALL YEAR Holding a grudge about something that wasn’t a problem until you made it one will help precisely on one. As such, if you make it to the end of the year and you are still thinking about a onenight stand you had at the beginning of the year, congratulations! You’ve turned a fun night into a year-long horror story.

A BAD KISSER

You’ve been out having a great night. You lock eyes with that hottie you’ve been building chemistry with all night. You know what’s about to happen.

RE-EVALUATE THE SITUATION Is this person really worth kissing? Well… if you think they are worth it, then let’s press on.

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE? Okay.

FIRST, WE NEED TO PERFORM AN ALLERGY CHECK Carrying swabs for this purpose is useful. If swabs are not at hand, then proceed on a line of inquiry as follows: “Allergies…?” A sufferer of nuts does not want to sample a mouth full of chicken satay, no matter how delicious it is. KISS AROUND THEIR FACE Avoid that tongue that is being used in such nasty ways.

MAKE A GENTLE APPROACH Ease into their mouth, slow and steady like. This way, technique can be corrected. Reward good mouth-work. Say “Mmm” or “well done!”

IF THEY’RE NOT TERRIBLY ATTRACTIVE... Use your hands to cover as much of their face as possible. This will lessen the embarrassment and provide a more fulfilling kiss.

FINALLY, IF NOTHING HELPS Drink more alcoholic beverages and stuff as many mints into their face as possible; the combined sensation should overcome any bad kiss.

DITCHING A WEIRDO WITHOUT ASKING THEM TO LEAVE

Got a socially awkward Creepy McCreepster hanging around you like a bad smell? Here are some things that may help you kick them to the kerb.

PLAY HIDE AND SEEK Just don’t do the seeking part when they hide. Maybe even lock that cupboard they’re in (but not for too long, Josef Fritzl).

FAKE A PHONE CALL Just pick up your phone and start talking into it, then walk off, never to return. You can even do this if you don’t have a phone, just stick your finger in your ear and pretend you’ve got a Bluetooth earpiece.

OUT-WEIRDO THE WEIRDO Just totally get all freaky. Start telling them about your undying love for salamanders, perhaps moonwalk everywhere, maybe even start speaking in tongues.

FLIRTING

Flirting is hilarious because it’s essentially the skill of holding a normal conversation but trying to make it sexy. It’s also – for the benefit of this article – incredibly cringe and uncomfortable when it doesn’t go well.

THE TEASER Remember when we were all kids, and some little punk at kindergarten started picking on you, and your parents would assure you that they’re acting that way because they actually have a crush on you? The Teaser acts on this sort of logic, using carefully phrased insults as forms of endearment and flirtation. Be cautious not to take the teasing too far, as you run the risk of actually offending the other person.

THE COOL ONE This requires you to get rid of any hint of desperation in your flirtation technique. Adopt an air of nonchalance and don’t pay too much attention to your target of affection. Also, if you don’t have some badass life story, try and spend the next five minutes coming up with one in your head -- added points for possessing chewing gum or an ability to sing in tune and play the guitar. THE MONEY Only advisable if you have a well-paying job and/or live with your parents. As the name suggests, using “The Money” means just that… using your money to win someone over. Start by having money, then continue to pay for everything. This is a pretty easy way to impress someone, but once you start, it’s pretty hard to stop.

THE AVOIDER People? Flirting? Thanks, but no thanks! ‘The Avoider’ defines bypassing social interaction at all costs because people are gross, and why would you want to be around them? If you’re using this flirting method, I assume you were dragged along to some place you don’t want to be. Be careful; you might attract those people who like quiet types.

WAKING UP NEXT TO SOMEONE YOU DON’T REMEMBER

You wake up one morning stinking of a heady mixture of vodka, goon, and sex. You groan upright and glance at your partner for the night. It’s a complete stranger.

DON’T PANIC Keep yourself calm and composed. If you panic, they will figure out that something is wrong.

PRETEND TO SLEEP Keep pretending to sleep until they leave. If they attempt to wake you up, then snore extra loudly and hope they get the hint. If this doesn’t work (boy, they’re persistent), resort to playing dead. Laugh inwardly as they freak out. Foam at the mouth if necessary.

USE PET NAMES When waking up and they’re still there, the first thing to say is, “Morning sunshine”. Who says you need to know their name anyway? The use of the endearing nickname means you get to bypass all that without seeming rude. Suggestions for nicknames include, but are not limited to Buddy, Pal, Darling, Sweetie, Sugarpie, Honey, Pumpkin, Boo. OWN UP If you’re lucky, they’ll have forgotten your name too, which leaves you in the clear. Either that or they will go apeshit. Tread carefully.

COOK THEM BREAKFAST Throw some extra tasty shit in that mix, and they’re more likely to forgive you for your faulty memory. Have you got bacon lying around that you were saving for a rainy day? Well, my friend, today is your rainy day.

PRETEND IT’S NOT YOUR HOUSE Alternatively, if you don’t want them hanging around, you could get up, put your clothes on, kiss them on the cheek, and say, “Thanks for letting me stay”. Then hide around the side of your house and watch them panic and get the hell out of there. They know it’s not their house; they think it’s not yours, so they are panicking to get out of there ASAP. The plan works.

HOW TO VOMIT CORRECTLY

Hey, it’s got to happen sometimes, we overestimate what our bodies can handle, and it comes out in un-classy ways. But that’s okay.

THE CLASSY VOM Politely excuse yourself and make haste to the toilet; aim carefully, rinse your mouth out, freshen your breath and return to your scintillating conversation. Repeat as desired.

THE SNEAKY VOM Channel the silent agility of a ninja and spew with stealth. Behind the couch, the nearest pot plant, and an unfortunate handbag are just some of your options. Tiptoe at your discretion. THE PHANTOM VOM The phantom vomer leaves absolutely no trace – remove all liquid, lumps, and other spew detritus. Deny all knowledge if the residual odour attempts to betray your sins.

THE CHEEKY VOM Raise your hand to your mouth and turn your head as if you’re about to whisper. Deposit unwanted stomach contents off to the side and return to your original position. Smile and act as if nothing has happened.

THE X-FACTOR VOM Take centre stage. Do the helicopter, recreate the Tivoli fountain, burp the alphabet when you’re done, whatever. Be creative. It will be a “yes” from someone, I promise.

SPLOOSH!

WORD WHEEL

Make as many REAL words as you can, using the centre letter.

THE MR BEAN SANDWICH

YOU WILL NEED: HOW TO:

In celebration of our Human Resources edition, I bring to you perhaps the most unique recipe featured in these pages by one of the most resourceful characters in recent history, Mr Bean.

This recipe comes from the episode The Curse of Mr Bean. Alongside visiting the local swimming pool where he realises that he is scared of diving, trying to find a way to leave the car park without paying, and taking his girlfriend to a scary movie, Bean visits the park for a lunchtime snack. It is here where the infamous sandwich first appeared on our screens. Bean uses everything on his person to construct a sandwich that is a worthy competitor to his fellow park luncher.

Despite success in constructing his lunch, everything goes wrong at the last minute, creating one of Bean’s most classic sketches.

One loaf of white bread – rustic style.

Butter

Iceberg lettuce

Sardines

Black peppercorns – whole Take out your trusty pair of scissors from your coat and cut two slices of bread – about one inch thick. Throw end crust into the nearest bin.

Using an Eftpos card or student ID, spread butter on each slice. Remove lettuce from a snap-lock bag, also kept in your jacket. Wash in a nearby water fountain and use a sock to spin lettuce, removing water.

Place lettuce on a piece of buttered bread. Get a jar of sardines out of your jacket. Take a sardine or two out of the jar and bash on something solid to ensure they’re dead.

Take whole black peppercorns and sprinkle them into a handkerchief. Fold over the handkerchief and use a hard-healed shoe to crack pepper. Sprinkle onto sardines and place the piece of bread on top.

For a side, take a hot water bottle and dip a teabag in. Add milk to taste.

Make sure you don’t flick pepper into the air or use the handkerchief, or you will sneeze and lose your creation.