The Dalai Lama once said that the purpose of life is to be happy. But I argue that the purpose of life is to cringe through really awkward moments until you lose all grasp of social cues and then die. Therefore, I’ve compiled a series of recommendations and stepby-step instructions for the really uncomfortable snapshots in our lives.
SCREWING THE CREW You wake up one morning stinking of a heady mixture of vodka, goon, and sex. You groan upright and glance at your partner for the night. It’s your flatmate. FREAK THE FUCK OUT At this point, it’s important that you freak the fuck out. To turn one night’s poor decision into one year’s awkward clusterfuck, let these baseless generalisations screw with your mind. “Oh god, they’ve probably fallen in love with me.” “The sexual tension will tear this flat apart!” “The rest of the flat is going to hate me for this!” Ignore that they wouldn’t have been true until you let them control your actions. Rationality shouldn’t cross your mind at this point; you’ve got a flat to screw up. DON’T SAY ANYTHING TO ONE ANOTHER Conversing is a gateway to bringing events that need to be talked about into a space where they can be worked out. Because of this, it is imperative that you don’t talk to the person you slept with. I understand that it is sometimes a bit hard to confront things that you don’t want to talk about. This is why you don’t want to talk about it. This is why you should never, ever confront any of your problems. Ignoring problems makes them disappear.
AVOID Now that you have ceased speaking to one another, try to avoid contact with your lover. Locking yourself in your room and eating alone should be enough. If it crosses your mind that you are acting a little insane and should just talk reasonably with the person, you are obviously thinking rationally, and you must stop it immediately. ATTACK CRITICISM If anyone in the flat tells you that you are overreacting, immediately overreact. Shout at them that they do not understand how you feel and completely ignore the possibility that they just want to help. If they tell you that your behaviour is the reason this is all going wrong, slap them. ACT LIKE THIS ALL YEAR Holding a grudge about something that wasn’t a problem until you made it one will help precisely on one. As such, if you make it to the end of the year and you are still thinking about a onenight stand you had at the beginning of the year, congratulations! You’ve turned a fun night into a year-long horror story.
33
