Uni2 Know Jan edition by Simon Jacobs

The Revolution 1

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Welcome

Hey guys, as you return from the Christmas break we thought we’d give you something a bit different to get you through the painful exam period. The theme of this issue is ‘revolution’ - not because we’re giving you some half-arsed, lazy idea for overthrowing the political system *cough* Russell Brand *cough* - but due to our awesome photoshoot/ comic-book which depicts rebels trying to escape a draconian system. It’s the most ambitious thing we’ve attempted and your feedback will influence whether we do anything like it again, so let us know if you love it or loath it. In terms of articles, we’ve got tons of interviews and reviews, the return of our columnists and the introduction of ‘The Philosopher’, along with some of the wackiest student stories you could ever imagine. Enjoy!

The Philosopher - Johnny Lawrence

The Uni2 Crew

Hi I’m Jon. I have hobbies and about 60 years left if I’m lucky. I want to be a cat and sit around all day being stroked, but it’s too late for that, I’m human now. I’d rather be on the dole than a prostitute to the current economic system, where I sell my body to do some menial task day in, day out so I can get money to buy food to eat, to survive, so that I can wake up tomorrow and do the same pointless, demeaning, miserable job… Well something like that anyway.

The Graduate - Suzi Collins Hi! My name’s Suzi, I’m an English graduate from Uni of Nottingham, and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I like superheroes, coffee and tiny dogs. I’m the most interesting person I know. You can find Suzi’s blog at http://suzilikestorant.blogspot.co.uk/ and on twitter @suzi_collins

The Gaffer - Darius Wainwright Intellectualista and all round, proper fella, seeking a fledging student magazine where he can vent his spleen on anything that takes his fancy. Tolerance of appalling metaphors, Jimmy Kebe and all things Reading FC necessary. A devil-may-care, do-what-I-want ethos, ideal. My ramblings may make even the naughtiest of little chaffinches blush. Twitter: @DazWainwright

The Inner Child - Malcolm Remedios UoN graduate, aspiring writer and film/comic book geek. Prone to indulging in my own fantasy. I am incapable of taking anything seriously and as such, I highly doubt I’ll be able to function out in the real world. I am still undecided whether to use this column for good or evil. For now, just think of me as your spiritual guide through the regression and immaturity that will be your years at university. Twitter: @MalRemedios1138

Aunty E - ??? Hello guys and gals. I’m Aunty E and I’ll be writing as your resident sex and relationship advisor. I hope to bring my own brand of unscrupulous advice to all your vodka-triggered love triangles, as well as a few personal anecdotes to brighten your day. (Name changed to protect the shameful)

Contributors

Writers

Designers

Photography

Mila Budeva Nathan Jacobs Georgia May-Collings Georgia Adderly Francois Keon Ellie Field Gareth Bachman Oscar Berkhout Hannah Jackson Eve Thompson Olivia Jecel Alex Knight Tania Brown Aatish Thakerer Katherine Parker Laura Reynolds Zack Fox Hannah Coleman Kelly Whybrow Esme Lawrence Simon Jacobs Natalie Kelter Liliana Enescu

Head Designer: Ned Wilson Ruth Porter:

Keeping it Neil Photography

Carolina Vega:

www.keepingitneilphotography.com

Want to write or edit articles for us? Email: daniel@uni2know.com

facebook.com/RuthPorter.Illustration www.createodds.com

Mark Hughes:

www.marksart.co.uk

Instagram: kinphotography

Katie Miller:

www.katierubyillustration.com

Andy Wears:

www.andywears.com

Lisa Harper:

facebook.com/LisaRoseIllustration

Ian Upcott:

www.ianupcott.com

Sarah Dalley Natalie Kelter George Maddison Urvashi Kander Yasmin Issaka Amy Morgan

Uni2know needs YOU

Uni2Know magazine is always out scouting for new talent. It’s an exciting time at Uni2. We’ve got an app on the way very shortly, a newly refurbished website coming and loads of exciting job and work experience opportunities. Don’t hesitate to get in touch and help us, contact: simon@uni2know.com

@uni2knowmagazine

facebook.com/Uni2Know

@Uni_2_Know

Contents Uni2 interviews The 1975

The Academy

The New Yorkers

24 & 52

Columnists:

Music Interviews:

The Graduate - 18 The Philosopher - 44 Aunty E - 70 The Inner Child - 74 The Gaffer - 92 The Third Knipple - 119

The 1975 - 11 Neon Jungle - 64 San Cisco - 106

Revolution:

Warehouse Project - 8 London Grammar - 10 DJ Zedd – 63 Jessie J - 66 Lawson - 78 The Lumberjacks - 93 Tom Odell - 109 Hip-hop Artists – 110

Revolutions around the World – 22 The Academy: Part One – 24 Part Two - 52 The Philosopher - 44 Fictional Revolutions - 50

Live Reviews:

Student Experiences and Activities: The Graduate - 18 A Romanian Student in the UK - 20 The New Yorkers - 46 The Inner Child - 74 The House hunting Checklist - 79 A student’s guide to making Pizza 99 Uni2 Try… Capoeira – 100 Uni2 Try… Dance – 104

Aunty E: Taking out the trash

Goodbye old friends

Hip Hop artists for 2014

110

All about Nottingham: The Fishman Cometh - 40 Where to take your Parents in Nottingham - 42 Food out on the cheap(ish) Downloadable Content – Another- 98

result of Sports: the increased online connectivity of consoles. Most Thewill English Football Fan – 90 developers nowBosnian make DLC for their The Gaffer At – 92 titles post-release. its best, DLC can Drinking Games around the World: add new Gelande levels, allowing Quaffingplayers – 118 to dust off old games (e.g. Borderlands). At worst, content will be removed from the disc and is instead released as day one DLC, which costs extra (e.g. Mass Effect 3). The ability to download

Sex and Relationships:

Drinking and Nights out:

A Cautionary Tale: The Legend of the Runaway Man – 68 Aunty E - 70

Go Home You’re Drunk - 14 Goody Bags for a Night out - 72 How to make a Damn Fine Cocktail 101 It’s never dull in Hull – 112 Drinking Games from around the World - 118 The Third Knipple: How to make Chunch - 119

Achievements - When Xbox Live Gaming and Tech: introduced achievements, and PSN introduced theyour similar trophy system, Throw away Smartphones - 49 I Xbox Oneanyone vs. PS4 could’ve – 88 don’t think predicted Old Friends: RIPhow Xbox 360 theGoodbye effect they’d have on we and PS3 – 94 play. The system works by rewarding gamers for completing specific tasks set out by the developers. This could be for something as simple as finding an Easter egg, or as complicated as 7 on the highest finishing the campaign

Seasonal Section: Naff New Years - 76 Best places for Christmas - 114 Top Tips to survive the holidays - 116

The Warehouse Project

Seven years into the Warehouse Project and it is still a favourite for fans of the underground music scene. Last month, I journeyed up to Manchester to experience a night of some of the best house and techno music around. Infinity Ink, Jamie Jones, Lee Foss, Maya Jane Cole and Art Department, to name but a few of the producers and DJs who played in front of hundreds of music hungry fans who had swarmed the venue. The Warehouse Project has a stigma for being a drug-fuelled event. There are countless news reports of fans taking drugs there and suffering bad side effects. At the end of September, one man died after taking what he thought was ecstasy. And while the event still has a long way to go to combat the drug problem, I only witnessed a handful of people getting carried out by security guards due to their over-indulged fun. Whatever the situation with illegal substances, the music at the Warehouse Project is always amazing, and the night I was there was no different. It was all of the best, in one building, on the same night. Infinity Ink were uber cool, not just through their distinctive sounds but also through the style of Italian born Luca Cazal, who was smoking on stage in his shades. Something which, because he’s Italian, he can automatically get away with. They ended their set with the fantastic “Infinity”, which sent the crowd onto a whole new high. The hugely talented Maya Jane Cole, kept the party atmosphere going strong with her heavy bass sounds. Although she wasn’t the most ‘exciting’ of DJ’s, she kept the pace going in the wait for the highly anticipated Jamie Jones. London born Cole is most known for her mix ‘What they Say’ and has only made it big in the last couple of years, but she is definitely someone house and techno fans are warming to. As well as Infinity Ink’s live set, Jamie Jones and Lee Foss were the highlights of the night, both bringing their hugely talented fingers to the decks and wowing the crowd. Lee Foss’ ability to choose tracks tailored to the crowd, kept the fans grooving along in admiration for his talent. By the time Jamie Jones finally took his place on stage, the crowd of bodies were waving, ﬂoating and hugging with gleaming smiles giddily awaiting his presence. The room was electric when we were treated to successful tracks ‘Benediction’ and ‘Forward Motion’. Warehouse Project is a night that you simply have to experience. There’s very little else like it within UK nightlife, although WHP will be taking a break this year, when it returns you should go.

“The crowd of bodies were waving, ﬂoating and hugging with gleaming smiles ...” Written by Tania Brown. Design by Ruth Porter.

At Rescue Rooms Having formed at the University of Nottingham in 2009, it was no surprise that London Grammar’s homecoming gig sold out weeks in advance. After debut album ‘If You Wait’ peaked at No 2 in the charts and a hugely successful summer touring the festival circuit, the hype around the London trio was enough to fuel a hipster’s wet dream. The eclectic mush of people queuing at the door was proof that the band have risen well above their underground status. When you see your philosophy lecturer buying Desperados at the bar, you know you’ve happened across something pretty big. Even with this weight of expectation, London Grammar didn’t disappoint. Opening the set with the album track ‘Hey, Now’, singer Hannah Reid’s soaring voice silenced the awestruck crowd. Reid’s ethereal vocals have often led to comparisons with ‘Florence + the Machine’ or ‘Bats for Lashes’. However, with Dan Rothman’s melodic guitar play and Dot Major’s original percussion, London Grammar proved themselves to have their own style, more laidback than their contemporaries. Highlights included the band’s bestselling single to date, ‘Strong’, which had the

reticent crowd belting out the chorus. London Grammar provided the perfect mixture of tones, combining euphonious melodies with upbeat banter about university life in Nottingham. They also paid homage to their early days, playing to empty rooms across the Nottingham music scene, when, mid-set, Hannah herself took time to educate us on the band’s formation: “We formed in this very building and used to play gigs with a crowd of five or less, to see this venue so full, is heart-warming to say the least”. The atmosphere was only enhanced by the sparse black backdrop, leaving the trio looking oddly exposed. This worked to their advantage, as there were no distractions to the static yet faultless performance. Contemporary is a term thrown around a lot these days, but this trio really are ahead of the game in modern British music. Their bare performance and the dressed down aesthetics of both stage and artists, left all attention to both vocals and instrumentals. The stillness of the crowd,

while unusual for Rescue Rooms, was an incredibly enjoyable change to the typical atmosphere at their mid-week gigs. The crowd were completely captivated and transfixed by Hannah’s diverse instrument. It’s difficult to choose the stand out moment from the ﬂawless set. However, the climax of ‘Metal and Dust’ finished off the concert in brilliant style. Exiting the stage quietly, with no return for an encore despite the baying audience, London Grammar proved why their understated performances are thrilling the critics everywhere. Esme Lawrence

It’s been a big year for The 1975. The Manchester-based rock band have had numerous hit singles and - in early September - released their eponymous debut album, which shot to Number 1 in the U.K. albums chart. Uni2 went to their recent show in Nottingham, and after the gig spoke to frontman Matthew Healy, to find out more.

The Review This band really knows how to cause a stir. They’re regularly played on Radio1 and have had several hits in the charts. They performed at the infamous Rock City and the crowd was a good mix: hundreds of underage teenagers, a fair few university students and an assortment of balding ‘adults’. The 1975 have yet to really target their music to one specific demographic. We arrived slightly late to the gig and struggled to get a really good position, however after some heavily jostling and impressive eagle-eyed viewing, we found a space upstairs with a good view. The band were fashionably late to arrive on stage. They came out to massive applause as the place erupted and Matt (the leader singer) oozed staged presence, opening with a seductive; “evenin’ Nottingham.” They opened with their well-known hit ‘Chocolate’, which really got the crowd going and the mosh pit in full swing. These guys certainly seem to be of the ‘rock star’ creed; instead of bottles of water for refreshment on stage they had bottles of wine. The lead singer went to town on the head banging and with his ‘Skrillex’ style hair it looked pretty dramatic. They played a few songs I hadn’t heard before, however unlike other acts this only made me want to hear more and download their full album. They sprinkled some of their better-known songs in between which really held the crowd; Matt regularly held the mike out to the enthusiastic mob that seemed to know every line. All in all it was a very good gig, they had a great stage presence and were full of energy.

The Interview Lets start at the beginning, how did the band form? We started at school when we were about 13. Just because, that was the only thing we knew how to do. Music was our only real form of creative expression. It was just, a very natural evolution through our years, where we played music with each other and we’ve never stopped really. And now we find ourselves here. When did you realise that there’s something here, we can get big? We were always waiting for the rest of the world to catch up. We weren’t rushing anything. We always knew we weren’t going to put out a record until we were 100% happy with it. In our world, it was the best record of the past twenty years, and that’s all that really mattered. So once we started getting embraced by people, it was due to music that we’d made for ourselves. It validated our attitude of making music, just because we wanted to.

Congratulations on the album getting to Number 1 in the charts, were you surprised by that response? Yeah, I’ve been surprised by everything man. I mean, yeah it’s cool, it’s really nice. But, I didn’t need any validation of that record to make me more proud of it. I’m as proud of it now as I was the day we finished it. And I think those statistical and material things that you acquire, they are quite brittle really, they don’t really mean anything. I think a lot of creative people are trying to fill this eternal malady, and all of the material things we’ve acquired this year, they haven’t quite aided me in that way. I think it’s a spiritual revelation that I’m looking for, but we’ll see what it is. It’s not a number one record, that’s for sure.

What’s the weirdest question you’ve been asked in an interview? I don’t know and to be honest with you, I should really know, because those are my favourite kind of questions. We’ve got a couple here for you. For instance, if you could have one more of any body part, what would it be? (Laughter) I like that one, am I only allowed one more? Can I have another pair of something? No, that’s pushing it. (Laughter) Erm… I’d have another heart. Maybe then I’d be a bit happier. (Laughter) I’m doing Morrissey there, that’s me doing Morrissey. That’s a good impression… What’s the strangest request you got from a fan? To do things with a group of like, seven. Which sounds to me like a Benny Hill sketch. It doesn’t sound enticing at all, it sounds like a farce. But you get all those kinds of things being in this band.

Do you ever find that attention a bit much? Yeh, I do to be honest with you. It’s funny as an anecdote. But we were like, an experimental ambient band for years. We were like ‘Explosions in the Sky’. Our hair covered the majority of our face for, I’d say 60% of our career as a band. We never thought of ourselves as being figures of sexual desire due to our band. It wasn’t even in our realm of understanding. We were always geeky. We always got the nerdy girls, because everyone always viewed us as “oh they’re a bit like Seth Cohen”. We were never sexy pop star dudes ever. Not saying that we are now, but you can see in the crowds we draw, it’s like 90% girls. I do find it weird.

Your music has a very 80s vibe, is that reflective of your musical influences? Yeah, totally. It’s reflective, mainly of the fact that I have, like everybody, a very romanticised, antiquated view of my teenage years. I think my obsession with John Hughes movies and the music in them, which framed that youthful desire, that reckless abandon. That spilled into everything. Add in my obsession with Michael Jackson and Phil Collins, and it’s quite obvious that it would translate into our music. Why are you called the 1975? I got a book off an artist when I was 19 in Majorca. Someone had used it as a diary and written all over this book previously, and they dated it 1st of June the 1975. And it was the use of the word the, that I found really interesting. I like it because,

there’s never been a band where the word ‘the’ has more importance than what precedes it. ‘Artic Monkeys’, ‘Arcade Fire’, ‘Rolling Stones’, ‘Beatles’, you don’t say the ‘the’ normally. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you since becoming a band? Well. I fell off the drums at SoundCity. I normally jump on the drums on stage. I fully, parallel, fell backwards off the drums, broke all of the basest pedals, then made up for it by taking my guitar and running into the crowd. I was embraced by people, apart from one guy, who just fully emptied his beer over my head. Where does the 1975 go from here? What’s the plan? The plan is to do exactly what we always did, make music for ourselves. This year has really catalysed the progression in our understanding of who we are, and what we want to achieve. Records that are more dramatic and a distillation of everything that came before it. More of a sonic expression and more of an honest expression. It just needs to be more of what everyone’s invested in so far, and that includes about another 400 fucking gigs in the next year. Daniel Fine and Simon Jacobs

Go Home...

You’re Drunk!

There’s about 41 pence (at a push) remaining in your wallet. The stale remains of a donner kebab are silently rotting on your bedside table and you’ve somehow acquired a road sign from your walk home. This sight will be familiar to pretty much every student, as the sign that you drank a bit too much the night before. When you’re very drunk, you rarely have enough self-awareness to stop drinking, and it is times like this that we need our friends to look out for us, to force us away from the club. To help you know when to shove your friend in a cab, we’ve made a handy list of the situations that prove it’s time to tell them: “Go home, you’re drunk”.

•If they’ve pulled off the infamous; “this is my song” stint. This results in them screaming as if they’re being attacked, after hearing the first few lines of a One Direction song. But remember, it’s OK, because it’s “their song.” They’ll grab anyone close to them, march straight to the dance ﬂoor and will then proceed to dance insanely whilst singing every word. Note; girls are notorious for this. If this is the reaction to seemingly every, damn, song, on the playlist. Then they should definitely go home, for they are beyond drunk. •When karaoke becomes a good idea. It is not and never will be, especially when they take to the microphone to sing “Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing. •Money is no object to the drunk. You could be forgiven for taking advantage of the first, second, or even third rounds of JagerBombs your plastered friend buys for everyone. But when they start to rack up a bar tab that would make Charlie Sheen blush, it’s time to intervene and get them home. Especially after they tell the barmaid “and one for yourself”. Cringe.

•If they start to reveal their most intimate secrets. You know, the one about their ‘ex-boyfriend and that thing he used to...’ Never. Ever. Let your friend share that old chestnut with the world. Get her in a cab, stat! She’ll thank you in the morning. •Their reaction to the local greasy chicken shop, is also a good gauge of drunkenness. If they are actually enjoying tucking into a family-sized, chicken bucket meal, un-phased by the side portion of grease that’s come with it; then it’s time for bed. Watch them walk past this establishment when sober, and ask them again just how good that chicken really was. •When they try to become best mates with the taxi driver, they need to go home. If you don’t intervene now, the next thing you know, they’ve asked the driver to play the radio and have proceeded to sing along to Taylor Swift. Knowing every. Single. Word. I guarantee the taxi driver didn’t choose this job in order to learn the lyrics to ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’. •When they no longer have a volume button, resorting to shouting everything. Perhaps the music is too loud or, as is more likely, they’ve just become increasingly annoying the more vodka they consumed. Either way, it’s never going to be “just a few quiet drinks”. •Uncontrollable sobbing is another sign. Especially, when you really don’t know why, and frankly neither do they. If they remind you of ‘Friends’, when Monica tells Rachel that she’s moving in with Chandler, and they both sit there in a teary mess, speaking Illustration: Ruth Porter 15

in some weird, cry language only very few can understand. Then, it is definitely home time. •Territory: Drunk texting (a possible explanation to number 8 for why they are crying). Messages to their ex read: “call me”, “I need to see you”, “what are you doing?”, “I miss you”. This is the worst kind of drunk and it’s the duty of any friend to put a stop to this. Otherwise, they’ll wake up to the horror of checking an inbox ﬂooded with messages from their ex. Most reading something along the lines of; “leave me alone”, “don’t contact me again”. Then, they will find only shame to accompany their equally horrific hangover. •When, to put it simply, they refer to Justin Bieber as “the saviour of our generation”. Send them home… and maybe delete their number from your phone. Georgia May-Collings

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Graduate... u A s t p m e Att Pairing Sometimes life takes you to the strangest places. A few years back, I spent the hottest day of the year wandering around an abandoned mental hospital with a disposable camera. A month ago, I visited a museum dedicated entirely to automatically playing music machines (I was lost, it looked interesting. It was TERRIFYING.)

Something that I was absolutely ADAMANT I would never even CONSIDER.

Three weeks ago, I found myself on a ﬂight to Spain, after agreeing to do something which I NEVER thought I’d do.

As in, a child’s life is NOW IN MY HANDS.

I agreed to be an au pair. An au pair. As in, I agreed to look after a small child.

I’ve never made a secret of my general disdain for young children. The noise,

the mess, the HORROR. It’s never greatly appealed to me. However, my 2 months of working in Holland had come to an end and I was at a total loss as to what to do next. I didn’t want to stay in England and au pairing seemed like a quick and easy (ha) option. So now I spend my days yelling ‘NO! You do NOT throw tractors at people!’ and pretending to be utterly fascinated by lawnmowers and motorbikes. The kid I look after (who’s almost 3 years old) acts a bit like a 14 year old girl. He has no qualms about MAKING HIS FEELINGS KNOWN and, by god does he have a LOT of feelings. He threw the mother of all tantrums when I wouldn’t let him stick cello tape on the walls of his grandmother’s house, and he bit me when I confiscated a bottle of laundry detergent from him. He has also attempted to forcibly remove me from the kitchen on numerous mornings (he’s really not a morning person). Normally, such behaviour would cause me to hold a grudge and start plotting revenge, but within 5 minutes he’s all butter wouldn’t melt, and I have to pretend that he hasn’t spent the majority of the morning kicking me in the stomach.

Then there’s his little brother, who just turned 5 months old. For some reason he really doesn’t like dummies, instead preferring to chew on either people’s fingers, or any kind of hard plastic. He’s insanely strong, so if he grabs your hand and puts it in his mouth then you just have to sit and wait for him to loosen his frickin’ IRON GRIP because there is LITERALLY NO ESCAPE. I think he was exposed to some sort of gamma radiation when he was younger, because he’s some kind of super-strength baby. I saw him head-butt a table once and I swear he left an imprint of his head in the wood. Au pairing has taught me many things, from the powers of a humble dinosaur sticker (the promise of which will get a kid to tidy up their toys and get dressed within 5 seconds ﬂat), to the fragility of the young mind (I used the word ‘twat’ ONCE two weeks ago and he STILL repeats it sometimes. I’ve told the parents that he’s mispronouncing ‘cat’). Above all, it’s taught me that, though I’m not exactly a ‘natural caregiver’, children can actually be pretty fun to hang out with. Last week the kid told me that, during the night, a whale had entered his room and he had to ask it to leave and knock on the door if it wanted to re-enter. I’m not entirely convinced that it actually happened, but I wasn’t present at the time of the incident so it may well be an accurate relay of information. I can’t think of any other job which would involve the occurrence of such events. It’s pretty bloody awesome!

P.S. - NEVER TAKE A SMALL CHILD INTO A MAZE. The other day, in an attempt to ward off a tantrum, I let the kid run into a maze. Within 2 seconds he had managed to wiggle through a little hole in one of the hedges and I spent a good 10 minutes running around trying to find him. He had a whale of a time, but I had to start thinking about finding a similar-looking, replacement child to hand back to the parents, because I honestly thought I’d never get him back.

A Romanian student in the UK Studying Abroad is never an easy thing to do, but it’s always supposed to be an exciting experience. However, as a Romanian student in the UK, I faced a whole range of unexpected and unpleasant situations.

When I first moved to the UK 3 years ago, I was completely unaware of the treatment of Romanians and Bulgarians here. I had a couple of friends who had been living here for a few years, but they were all supported by their parents and hadn’t really ever needed to work. I wasn’t so lucky, due to lack of funds I needed to work. I never thought that moving across the European Union it could ever be so diﬃcult to simply obtain the right to work.

be that. But as more time passed without hearing anything back, I started to get worried. I called the UKBA numerous times, but infuriatingly, all they kept saying was that there was “special circumstances”. I never got a proper explanation.

In the end, it took 7 months before I received a yellow card. That’s 7 months where I couldn’t work and 7 months where they held on to my passport. And I was the lucky one. I’ve met many fellow Romanians who, after 3 years, have still failed to get a work permit. Their applications were turned down with no explanation whatsoever and many of their papers and IDs were lost. When you put it all

To be able to work as a foreign student in the UK, the UK Border Agency has to grant you a student work permit (also known as a yellow card). This allows you to work part-time during term and full-time during university holidays. I sent my passport, along with other important papers to the UKBA at the beginning of my first year, and thought that would

in perspective, having to wait 7 months doesn’t seem like such a big deal. However, at the time, it took a toll on my experience as a “fresher”. After finally getting my yellow card, I thought that I could relax and start looking for work. But as it turns out, most employers don’t really understand what the yellow card is, no matter how much you try to explain it to them. I lived in America for a number of years, during my time there I picked up a strong American accent. As a result, employers often didn’t realise I was Romanian until after I was offered the job, when

we started discussing paperwork. At which point, I was politely informed that the position hadn’t been vacant to begin with. Things got worse when the anti-immigration campaign launched last January. The campaign attempted to put the UK in a bad light by stating: ‘The weather here is always cold’, ‘There are no jobs’ and ‘The salaries are small’. The purpose of it was to try and make the UK seem less appealing to immigrants. One huge anti-immigration banner was placed outside the centre where I volunteer. Having to pass that sign every week, seriously made me consider whether this country was worth the hassle. What’s the point trying to make a future for yourself in a country that clearly doesn’t want you? I can understand why the British government might be

seeking ways to control the number of Easter European immigrants entering the country. But placing massive red banners with the message “Stop Romanians and Bulgarians from coming to the UK”, is a disgraceful way to do it. In a multicultural country, they shouldn’t be trying to make people feel that unwelcome. At the end of the day, I think living as an expat is never an easy thing to do, no matter where you go or where you come from. I’ve decided that I’m here, because I want to be, and that’s something that I have to take responsibility for. The diﬃculties that come with this, are just part of the journey and experience of trying to make a life for myself in a foreign country. I’ve been living in England for 3 years now, and while it may not quite be home, it is definitely the closest thing

to it. While I’ve been here, despite all the diﬃculties, I’ve also met lots of amazing people and have been offered plenty of opportunities that weren’t available for me in Romania. I don’t take living here for granted, but rather as a privilege that I’ve had to fight for. I can only hope that people in similar situations can also see beyond the obstacles, and appreciate the benefits that come with being an expat in the UK. Liliana Enescu

Revolutions around the world They say that nothing is as powerful as an idea whose time has come. There have been many revolutions in the course of history- political, social, sexual, and technological. Nowadays we often think that people are incapable of joining together behind a cause, as we did in the past. However, events such as the Arab Spring, the Occupy movement, and recent protests in Turkey, prove that we still have the capacity to unite and devote ourselves to an idea. The Arab Spring The Arab Spring was a revolutionary wave. Starting in 2010 in Tunisia, it spread to Egypt, Libya, Yemen and Syria, where the conflict between rebels and government continues. It is a quest for justice and the protection of inalienable human rights that have been denied for too long. The Arab Spring is a regional revolution that has had a global

impact. Western intervention (or lack of) raised questions of self-interest and imposition of values between states. Apart from its rather complicated political aspect, the Arab Spring also has a human face. The uprisings resulted in an outburst of state oppression. Men and women came out in the streets as equals and shared the bloody price of rebellion. It will probably take a few decades to completely understand the consequences of the Arab Spring, but it has undoubtedly changed the face of the region and the wider world.

Communication and Technology Revolutionary ideas are not strictly political. The development of technology has become the defining point of our generation. Communication is now quick, easy, and cheap or even free. It has changed the shape of societies, right across the globe. The smartphones most of us now take for granted, offer an instant connection to any part of the world and access to any piece of information. Relations, whether business or personal, can be maintained effortlessly online. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s influenced the growth of world trade, changed the nature of international relations and has also had a huge social impact. Twitter, and Instagram have almost become part of peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s personality, and we have all seen (and stalked) people we do not really know on their Facebook profiles. Our grandparents are still overwhelmed by the idea of a touch screen, to them Skyping is more intimidating than the Cold War. We are the last non-wireless generation, older than Google and smartphones. We witnessed the rise and fall of the CD and played the first PlayStation and Xbox. Our generation is like the original iPhone, there at the beginning of these changes, but the pace of the developments has left us outdated already. But hell, sometimes the original is the best.

Illustration: Ned Wilson

The Occupy Movement Today’s world is global. As consumers we share the same products, whether technological (your iPod), cultural (the songs on your iPod), or educational (the audiobooks on your iPod). A global world suggests global issues. Global issues suggest global counteraction. This was the case with the Occupy movement. It began in New York City in 2011, when thousands of protestors set up camp in Zuccotti Park in the Wall Street district, as a protest against economic inequality and political hierarchy. The slogan “We are the 99%” expressed disgust at the exploitative and shockingly unequal system in which 1% hold greater wealth than all the rest. This resonated with people around the world, and protests quickly spread. Occupy showed how contagious a revolution can be. There are no borders or restraints for ideas in today’s global world.

Taksim Square Protests, Turkey These protests started in May 2013, as peaceful demonstrations against the removal of Gezi Park, one of the few remaining green spaces in the centre of Istanbul. Excessive force was used to scatter the protesters, as their right to assembly was denied by the authorities. This brought to the surface issues of Turkish government rigidity, and highlighted violations of human rights in the country. The government deprives citizens of personal choice through restrictions on Caesarean section, and on the sale and consumption of alcohol. The brutality used to suppress the protests (tear gas, water cannons, arrests) resulted in thousands of injuries and 11 deaths. Taksim Square revealed the crude reality underneath the surface of a seemingly modern and free society.

Mila Budeva

The Academy Faced with totalitarian rule at his academy, a young man partners with an idealistic rebel to rally against the system.

PART 1: PG 24

PART 2: PG 52

Crew

Cast

Head Writer and Producer: Daniel Fine

Rebel Scum:

Narrative and Scripting: Daniel Fine/ Aatish Thakerar/Malcolm Remedios Photos by: Neil Kates

Tom Shaw - Tom Greenwood Evie Carter - Georgia Adderly Benz - Simon Jacobs Wedge Antilles - Daniel Fine

Design and Layout: Ned Wilson

Fascist thugs:

Costumes and Props from: Anchor Supplies/The Golden Cage

Winston - Michael Woods Transport Guard - Harry Silverstein Aggressive Guard #1 - Edward Henderson Aggressive Guard #2 - Ben White Saucy Guard - Ned Wilson (at your service)

I arrived at the academy expecting great things...

..but I quickly found out nothing was as it seemed.

We were forced to study every day.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t lose focus subject! Explain this to me!

err rrrm

I SAID EXPLAIN THIS TO ME SUBJECT!

Testing subject.

Remember subject..

..it only takes one slip and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll end up like those rats squirming about the Carter girlâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sewer.

For the first time in weeks I found myself alone...

..with nobody watching..

..or so I thought.

Can I help you?

Who the hell is that?

Hey, wait!

This is nuts, what am i doing?

Where are we?

Sorry about that,

but it was necessary,

this is the one place they canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hear us

I’m Evie, Evie Carter ...Tom

So who are you? Why did you bring me here?

Why are they so scared of you? I don’t understand ...

The guards Tom. There are fewer of them than there are of us. But they rule us through fear. If we can get people to realise that, we could scrub away that fear and replace it… with something else.

It’s a hive, and the guards are the workers. The muscle. It’s not them I’m afraid of. It’s their leader. Winston’s been spotted more and more recently. He’s planning something – I just don’t know what yet.

But What can I do?

There’s something about you that gives me hope Tom.

Help

What’s this?

It means you’re one of us now.

Who’s that?

It’s ok! This is Benz, he’s with us.

We’ll be in touch.

You need to stop worrying,

That was a huge risk! What if you’d been seen?

If you’re taken..this rebellion needs you! This rebellion needs people,

I can’t keep doing this alone.

Four weeks later

KNOCK..KNOCK..

Hi Tom

Evie? What are you doing here?

This is dangerous Evie.. We’ve always met in the tunnels before

This was the only way I could get to you without them knowing, we’re moving on Winston tomorrow, be ready.

I better go.

It’s not safe out there, you can’t leave now. Stay with me.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

GET BACK IN YOUR ROOMS SUBJECTS!

Did you hear that?

!EVIE CARTER!

YOU’RE COMING WITH US!

Whoa! What the fuck?

Stay down subject! STAY! DOWN!

Get back inside subject!

TOM HELP!

GET BACK INSIDE!

Oh shit ...

END OF PART 1 CONT’D PG 52

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The

an FishCom meth He’s somewhat of a local legend. An urban myth. Before seeing him with my own eyes, I didn’t believe he really existed, but Dave Bartram is quite possibly the coolest guy in Notts. He started at the age of 17 and has worked 7 days a week for the past 50 years, and he told us there’s no chance of him stopping any time soon.

dents for most of his life. In that time, he’s made many fans, along with his regular customers, and is still fighting fit, patrolling through around 15 pubs and clubs a night around the city centre. A local documentary crew recently tried to follow him around for a night, but they “couldn’t keep up”. He credits his good complexion and health on his mainly fish diet, and he eats

He goes by many names: The Fish Man, The Prawn Star, The Cod Father, The legend that is, Dave. He’s been selling fish around Nottingham to locals and stu-

much of his own produce. Although, he does admits to loving “a good steak with a beer to wash it down”, every once in a while. Dave works with numerous charitable causes around Nottingham, to raise money; “I’ve been involved with Gay Pride, The Royal Concert Hall, Marie Curie charity, Nottingham Beer Festival and I’ve even dressed up as a woman on stage with Johnny Vegas.” Students have tried to knick fish off Dave before, but he’s always one step ahead. Although he

to have a drink in; ‘Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem’, is where he’ll be, if you ever want to say “Hi”.

admits he’s never slapped anyone with a fish, he’s not afraid to protect his produce by giving thieves a whack with his 37 year old basket. Dave is unperturbed by this, he won’t allow a few idiots stop him getting his goods to those in need. He’s definitely a hit with the students in the city, and has even started selling Peperamis due to high demand from them. The Fish Man has a unique tip for preventing a hangover, which he has sworn by his whole adult life. If you’re going on an, in his words “good session”, Dave advises a pint of milk and a raw egg beforehand, to line your stomach, and the same again when you get in. Not to mention, stick to one type of drink. If you don’t follow Dave’s advice and find yourself with a dodgy stomach the next day, he says: “Oysters are the best thing, crack ‘em open and swallow the bugger, don’t chew it, because they’re alive, they clear your stomach. Oh, and have a pint next to you to wash it down.”

Dave is definitely a peoples’ person, he’s a great guy with a cracking sense of humour and, working on his own, he’s constantly being greeted by friends, old and new, throughout his evenings work. He’s often asked for photos when he’s out on the streets, and said: “I love it, it keeps me young and active.” But Dave finds people can be hot and cold these days: “I’ve met people who will be as happy as 9 pence, and then when you meet them again they’re grumpy as hell.” He spends two to three hours a day preparing his produce and works 7 days a week. Although, like most of us, he hates the wet and cold weather, he’ll be out and about in the city centre every evening, rain or shine. He’s built up a highly respected, fish-selling reputation all by himself and has never had to advertise. Where can you find this hero of the night? Well, when he’s not out selling his wares in the city centre. The first pub he ever walked in and his favourite

Dave ‘The Fish Man’ Bartram, is definitely one of Nottingham’s local heroes, and he’s well deserving of his fame, friends and loyal customers. Keep your eyes peeled next time you’re out and be sure to check out his famous produce, from prawns, to Peperamis, it’s definitely worth giving a go. Georgia Adderley

Where to take the Parents

Last weekend - with my little brother also recently back at uni - my poor, lonely parents were actually bored enough of each other’s company to come and see me. The only other time they’d been up before - helping me move out last year - they couldn’t believe I’d lived in Nottingham for two years and had no suggestions as to where to go for the day. Seeing as Crisis appear not to do discounted parents’ tickets I was out of ideas. So I subsequently went on an adventure around Nottingham (thank you Google) to scout out the parent-friendly places.

Places to go and things to do 1. Nottingham Castle Now I have to say, from a History student’s perspective, the castle was a bit of a let-down. The original castle burnt down and what now stands in its place is more like a stately home on the inside. But it does have some pretty gardens and interesting exhibitions (a particularly good war one last time I was there) so it’s still worth a visit. Student tickets are discounted too. A great view of the, er, beautiful Nottingham city centre from the top, and, of course, a café to keep your Mum happy. Built into the walls is Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem, England’s oldest inn - a great spot for a post-castle pint.

2. Wollaton Park Somehow, I spent the whole of my first year in Nottingham pretty much oblivious as to what was behind the mysterious wall opposite University Park. Luckily, I found out and visited last year, and Wollaton Park really is lovely. A great place for a walk in summer and a coffee in winter, and there are a few different council-run events over the course of the year. Wollaton Hall itself is worth a quick peek, the range of stuffed animals in there is weirdly fascinating. And, of course, going with your parents, means you’ve got someone to take a photo of you outside Wayne Manor.

3. Sherwood Forest A little further afield, about 40 minutes drive from central Nottingham, lies Sherwood Forest. For my birthday, I went for a weekend trip with friends, where we stayed in luxury log cabins with hot tubs (#studentliving). A lovely way to enjoy the natural surroundings. For days out, the forest is great for walking, picnicking and biking (you can rent bikes there). The forest is home to the Major Oak, the tree that was supposedly Robin Hood’s main hideout, as well as a couple interesting museums and, for the more adventurous parents, there’s a Go Ape high ropes course. Seeing my dad stack it into a pile of bark at the end of the zip wire, was worth the embarrassment of accepting I was related to him. If you’re an outdoorsy family, Sherwood is a day trip not to be missed in your time at Nottingham!

4. Theatres/Comedy Clubs If your parents are around for an evening, it’s worth taking them to see a show rather than just going for a meal. There’s a big comedy scene in Nottingham, with some big names playing at the Capital FM Arena (I’m seeing Jack Whitehall in March), as well as smaller names on at the Glee Club on the Waterfront or Just the Tonic, which transforms The Forum into a great little comedy venue at weekends. With a range of musicals, plays and dance performances also on at the Theatre Royal and the Playhouse, you’ll definitely find something that takes your fancy, for a more interesting night out. Most shows at smaller venues also do discounted NUS tickets. Sorted.

Eating and Drinkin

1. The Malt Cross Café-bar by day and bar-music venue by night, the Malt Cross on St James’s Street is a great little place to go for a lunch or evening meal. Serving good homemade pub grub and great beer (as well as coffee), this old music hall has a laid-back feel, thanks in large part to its friendly staff. My mother approved and, trust me, she is hard to please.

2. Saltwater

3. Aubrey’s Traditional Creperie

If you want to make the most out of the parents paying for dinner and their guilt at not being with you on your actual birthday. Saltwater is the place. A stylish restaurant and bar with really good food and cocktails. A bit more up-market than your average Italian chain, the menu offers a variety of dishes at a reasonable price - I recommend the fishcakes washed down with a generous Margarita.

My housemate and I stumbled across this gem looking for hangover breakfast one morning last year, and it certainly did the job. It’s a tiny little place down the West End Arcade that does (the name gives it away), a tasty range of crepes. With some old-school china tea-sets and grandma-style tablecloths it has a homey, vintage vibe. A really great place to go for brunch before a wander round town.

So, next time your parents are missing you so much they decide to drive up. You can wow them with your local knowledge and range of suggestions as to how to spend the day. You’re welcome. Ellie Field

THE PHILOSOPHER Staring modern society in the face and telling it to fuck off Why is everyone a douchebag? “Everyone seems to be a dick” – Aristotle, 330BC At least this is what current legislation assumes. It really does seem strange that we have to be told not to kill each other or steal each other’s bikes. We shouldn’t have to legislate against such douchebaggery. To me, it just seems intuitive to not treat other people like shit. And yet, every time I switch on the news, someone else has killed a hooker, or stolen some rugs from an old woman too decrepit to even know they went missing. We just seem completely incapable of being able to trust each other. Many aspects of our society are built on the predication that there are douchebags, living among us. We create a police force, because it seems I can’t trust people who live on the same part of rock as me, to not come and steal my cheese or kill my rabbit. I don’t even own a rabbit, and that’s because of this douchebag epidemic. Then we found out that people lived on other parts of this rock, so we went one step further and made armies. And just to make sure they weren’t douchebags, we went and killed most of them. A very ironic checkmate indeed. But we had to tell them how not to act, before they could tell us. There’s no better way to make friends, than to assume that those people are going to: kill you, steal your things, and eat you, purely because they come from a different place to you.

Chelsea douche

‘I came in like a douchebag’

‘I’m gonna let you ﬁnish, but I’m the biggest douchebag of all time!’

What the shit is Nationalism? Why does everyone seem to care where they were born? It’s not like they had any choice in the matter. They were just born there. “Hey you! You over there in the beret with the baguette, stripy shirt and thin cigarette.”

Yes, there’s history and religion and culture, but these things really are just arbitrary. There’s no real objectivity to any of it. Some people are just left of the line and others are to the right. If you turn the map upside down it all changes. If the lines had fallen somewhere else, this might’ve been typed in German.

“Oui?” “This rock I didn’t choose, is better than that rock you didn’t choose, you fucking douche. Now prepare to die for it.” Who even came up with these ‘borders’? Britain’s make sense (I guess…), because it’s an island surrounded by water. But who took a marker pen, scribbled lines all over Europe, and then told people either side of these lines, that they were ‘different’?

Every time I cross one of these sacred lines, I have to take a passport to prove who I am, which is really ridiculous. It must be so they can check me out, and see that I’m not a dick or an idiot. I get why you need them. I understand the fiction that we spread around. But it still seems stupid that, simply because I’ve been born on this part of rock, I can’t go over to a different part of rock without identification.

The Monarchy Fetish? ‘God save our gracious Queen’. Brilliant. Asking someone I don’t believe in, to save someone we didn’t vote for, and I don’t care about. The way the media peers into their lives with such voyeuristic approval, epitomizes this fetish. It really does look like our great human thinking has failed us when it comes to the monarchy. These arbitrarily special humans, have really managed to linger around for a long time. What a bizarre remnant of the feudal system! Why does the fact that my ancestors were worse at fighting than their ancestors, hold any weight whatsoever in today’s society?

A lot of people say they are ‘mostly harmless’, or that ‘they do a lot of good’. Well in their position anyone could some good, so long as they weren’t a pre-ordained douche. It’s not like they do anything, which we couldn’t do perfectly well without them.

Basically what I’m trying to say is...Don’t be a douchebag.

Everyone in our society, seems inclined to care about equality and equal opportunity. But if we are all truly equal, then we should all get to be Queen for about 5 minutes a day, or perhaps none of us should. There’s a whole lot of Orwellian ‘doublethink’ going on here.

I refrained from saying ‘their bit of the rock’ because, how on earth can anyone own a bit of a rock? The reason is usually because they were there first, and drew a circle around themselves before anyone else had the chance. Then killed anyone who disputed their circle, so that their children’s children can rule illegitimately over other people’s children. Hmm…

: s r e k r o Y w e N e h T EXTRACT ONE Olivia and her boyfriend, Lucas, moved to New York last year. They returned with a whole host of stories about some of the weirdest experiences you could imagine. Here, Olivia Jecel talks us through her time in the craziest city in the world.

confirmation of an interview there… the day before my flight. Lucas picked me up at the airport out of which we were immediately kicked out due to the “inappropriate length of time” it took us to “reunite in a place unfit for a show of emotions”. Welcome to America, the land of rules and regulations.

Vienna, Austria, September 2012. A particularly loony couple – let’s call them Lucas and Olivia – have set their minds on moving to New York City, looking for nothing more than the simple delight of adventure. This plan would have sounded not only ridiculous, but far from possible had you met us beforehand. In fact, our friends made bets on how long we would last - the most optimistic marking a pathetic 6 months. There were convincing reasons for this discouraging number: we were as poor as two church mice and the Big Apple had made us no promises. There was little to nothing waiting for us on the other side of the Atlantic.

surrounding his character) unquestioned passages of his life. The only thing I can recount, is, during one of our Skype sessions, seeing a highly alarmed chicken wriggle from his grip and flee across the lawn into the distance. I recall admiring it´s speed (and I´m greatly tempted to say, elegance). This story may come across as unbelievably ludicrous, but I assure you: pass this legend on to any New Yorker and they will be a great deal more suspicious of the existence of a grassy backyard in Manhattan, than that of a nimble chicken. As for me, I had applied for a job at a film production company a few months in advance, an finally got

Lucas had been accepted to Stella Adler, a “notable” acting academy. Yet, apart from praising itself to be the best of its kind and guaranteeing to drive its applicants into financial ruin, it ironically forbade its students to take up any jobs during their first year. (Lucas was later offered a full scholarship at the academy, but declined due to their “limitless arrogance”). Anyway, said lunatic left for New York a week and a half earlier under the pretense of “scouting life´s situation”. Up to this day, nobody knows what he did during that time – it remains one of many untold, unrecorded, and (by some personal miracle

Let’s fly forward in time, and land clumsily on the following Monday. It´s the day of my interview, and I´ve arrived sweating from head to toe due to the fact that Lucas has entered us into a violent, dangerous (and secret) race against every person heading in our general direction. I left him to wait outside and entered the office. In short, my job was to be reading and analyzing film scripts. If I liked what I read, the script would be passed on to my boss, and if he liked them, voila - you have yourself a movie. The interview seemed to be going well, until his assistant popped in and said (thankfully with an air of amusement): “There´s a young man sprawled in front of our office door, ear pressed up against it, staring at his tongue in a tiny mirror”. I knew the described phenomena to be a certain individual’s speech and pronunciation exercises. More than

wich simply looked too deliciously mouth-watering to turn down. Thus, we adopted an unusual lifestyle. After spending four weeks living off nothing but rice and “borrowing” toilet paper from restaurants, we would lay aside one evening for what we liked to call “wonderfully unnecessary money flow”. This usually involved a bottle or two of port and ended in extravagant adventures – one evening, in the most outrageous example, we left our apartment in our pyjamas, carrying only a credit card and keys. Ten minutes later, and only three blocks away, a disgruntled clerk led a questionably dressed couple into the hotel´s most over-priced suite. once he had retired to our bathroom to stare at his tongue for a questionable amount of hours. Silently cursing intercoms, I excused myself to “remove” him, and by some miracle, a contract was waiting for me upon my return. If I did well, I was promised work as a production assistant on the set of a movie starring David Duchovny (the smoking, drinking, half-dead and dying star of Californication) and Hope Davis. This was enough to send me flying through Manhattan, analyzing up to 3 scripts a day and pouring through script analysis books in my free time.

the now baffled guests, reloaded his plates, complimented the chef on his squash soup, and left. He repeated this process twice more, sporting a different outfit each time. Yet, no matter how little money we had, sometimes an over-priced sand-

While loving our jobs, we earned very little money. Thankfully, we were in New York: a city where people share food on the subway (on which I made more than half of my friends and was taught several old-school Harlem songs), restaurants give out free meals to those in earnest financial rut, and there is always a bag full of perfectly good bagels being thrown out on the sidewalk. Additionally, New York is full of opportunities: once, a man in the elevator of our apartment building turned to us and whispered: “party on the roof”. That was all. Clearly, this would be enough to send even the shyest individual scurrying to the roof. One hour later, “it” turned out to be our food supply for the week: ranging from steak to chocolate fountains and champagne. The buffet was longer than 10 grown men lying down in a line. Lucas took one look at it, piled three plates with food, reached for a bottle of red wine, bowed deeply to the cook, and disappeared. He returned five minutes later, wearing a suit and top hat. Pretending to be a new guest, the man in the top hat introduced himself to

A few weeks later, I finally got my onset job, but this was disrupted almost immediately, by a visitor from out of town… named Hurricane Sandy. Find out what happened next to Olivia and Lucas, in the next issue of Uni2Know.

We’ve all been to a meal where everyone’s sat around on their phones rather than talking to each other. Tania Brown has had enough. So watch out Apple, Samsung and HTC, Tania’s coming for you. Put your iPhones, Samsungs and Blackberries away. No, throw them away. Take yourself back to a world when playing ‘Snake’ on your Nokia 3210 was literally the most tech-savvy you could be and talking face to face was the norm. It’s time we bring this back. This should be the future, its NEEDS to be the future. The first mobile phone hit stores in 1983 in the form of the ‘Analog Motorola DynaTAC 8000X mobile phone system’. It was a hideous, bulky piece of machinery. Phones slowly started to evolve and the design improved until finally, in 1999, the beautiful Nokia 3210 invaded our lives. Its internal antenna and predictive text messaging made it incredibly usable for the average person. As a result, it became one of the most popular and successful phones in history, owned by over 160 million people.

But the phone market soon became saturated with useless, unnecessary accessories. There were interchangeable covers, poly-bloodyphonic ringtones, ﬂashing lights and Sony even brought out a phone with a clip on camera. Now it’s even worse. The evil technology devils at Apple, Samsung et al, have evolved and bought us phones which contain our whole livesphotos, intimate texts, to do lists and private messages. We quite literally spend our whole lives on them. Something needs to change, and soon. Remember the days where the only way you could meet new people was to, you know, talk to them? Bliss. We all need to put our digital handsets away, listen to some dolphin music and stroll through a field barefoot, hugging trees and appreciating our real life friends, leaving our online persona behind. There are countless people on my course who’ve messaged me on Twitter or Facebook and yet, appear to have lost their powers of conversation in ‘real’ life. It’s frustrating and quite frankly annoying. Is it really that hard to approach someone in person, rather than poking them on Facebook?

It’s time we sit around a fire and talk to each other, face to face, without the constant need to check any updates on Twitter, just in case someone’s retweeted your incredibly inane tweet about what you had for breakfast. Before we all turn into complete robots, action needs to be taken. We need to demand the Nokia 3210 makes a comeback, so we can relive the exhilarating feeling of being stuck at school and not having any credit left. Not forgetting the anticipation of playing the best phone game ever invented, Snake. Leaving your phone at home was the norm and we didn’t have anxiety attacks over not having our phones glued to our right hand. Carrying our ‘brick’ phones around, ringing landlines and writing letters are the way forward. So if you find your old 3210 covered in dust at the bottom of a draw somewhere, give it a polish, prepare your fingers for some manic button tapping and start using the thing.

Fictional Revolutions Revolutions have proved to be fertile ground for storytellers, dating back as far as Shakespeare all genres of entertainment have depicted the usurping of power. The plotting, politics, and danger involved in revolutions will continue to transfix audiences for many years to come. Here, we’ve listed our favourite revolutions from throughout fiction: The Hunger Games trilogy “You can torture us and bomb us and burn our districts to the ground. But fire is catching! And if we burn, you burn with us!” – Katniss Everdeen In this hugely popular series of dystopian novels; citizens of the Capitol live decadent, extravagant lifestyles, while the people in the surrounding Districts struggle simply to feed themselves. To keep the districts under control, the Capitol forces each of the 12 Districts to submit two tributes - a boy and a girl – to participate in the Hunger Games; a contest where they must fight to the death, till only one remains. When Katniss Everdeen becomes the District 12 Tribute for, and subsequent victor of, the 74th Hunger Games, she unwittingly becomes the figurehead of the Districts’ rebellion against the Capitol. However, she starts to suspect her would-be allies may not be as good as they seem.

Star Wars “From here, you will witness the final destruction of the Alliance and the end of your insignificant rebellion.”- The Emperor The quintessential story of a small group of rebels overcoming all the odds to defeat an evil government. The Empire rules the galaxy with an iron fist, killing all who oppose them. In ‘Episode IV: A New Hope’, Luke Skywalker joins the rebellion. Then, in ‘Episode VI: Return of the Jedi’, Luke, Han, Leia, Lando and of course, Admiral Ackbar, lead the rebels in the final battle above the moon of Endor. With the help of the native Ewoks (who doesn’t love them?), they kill the Emperor and destroy the second Death Star, liberating the galaxy from the tyrannical grip of the Empire… well, until Episode VII is released in 2015.

Game of Thrones “Rhaegar lost on the Trident. He lost the battle, he lost the war, he lost the kingdom, and he lost his life. Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought nobly, Rhaegar fought honourably. And Rhaegar died.” – Jorah Mormont This dark fantasy series set in Westeros, a fictional country based on War of the Roses era England, features lots of politicking, backstabbing and usurpers of the throne. However, the most traditional example of a revolution happens before the series starts. When Lyanna Stark is abducted by the son of the ‘Mad King’ Aerys, Rhaegar Targaryen; her brother, Eddard, and fiancée, Robert Baratheon, stage a revolution. Eventually, Robert slays Rhaegar at the Battle of the Trident, Eddard finds Lyanna dying at the Tower of Joy and Aerys is killed by one of his guards. The audience only hear about Robert’s Rebellion third hand, and there are bucket loads of fan theories that it was not as black and white as it first appears (R+L=J). Fifteen years later, when the series starts, Westeros is still feeling the repercussions and it’s this that sets the plot in motion.

V For Vendetta “Tonight, you must choose what comes next. Lives of our own, or a return to chains. Choose carefully.” - V This sensational graphic novel comes from the mind of the legendary Alan Moore. Written against the backdrop of the Thatcher government, V is set in a post-apocalyptic London controlled by a fascist, white supremacist political party, which has exterminated ethnic minorities in concentration camps and turned England into a police state. Their rule is threatened by the mysterious, masked anarchist ‘V’ who begins the story by blowing up the Houses of Parliament. With the help of the 16 year old Evey Hammond, V manages to cause a general insurrection. A truly fascinating character that subverts many superhero clichés, V’s mask has become a cultural symbol used by the the hacker group Anonymous and the protest movement Occupy.

Bioshock Infinite “You see, The Founders ain’t nothing but weeds: Cut’em down, they’ll just grow back. If you wanna get rid of the weed, you got to pull it up from the root.” – Daisy Fitzroy This video game takes place in an alternate version of 1912, in the fictional city of Columbia, which is suspended in the air through a combination of “quantum levitation”, giant blimps and balloons. The city is run by the “Founders”, an ultra-nationalist, xenophobic group led by the ‘prophet’ Zachary Comstock. Opposed to them is the Vox Populi, a militant left-wing organisation made up of working class and ethnic minority citizens, led by Daisy Fitzroy. During the course of the game, the Vox lead a revolt causing a full scale war. At first the Vox appear to be the saviours of Columbia, but it quickly becomes apparent that they’re just as dangerous as the Founders.

Daniel Fine

PART 2 find Evie clutches dastardly

And we in the of the Winston

PART 2

You know ...

..I should thank you.

When the students see you bleeding out in the dirt, your rebellion will bleed out with you.

This rebellion is bigger than me Winston!

Do you know what you little rebels are?

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re cockroaches!

And however tough the cockroach ... .. however resilient ..

All it takes to kill,

Is one wellplaced step.

It’s all my fault.

It’s my fault...

CALM DOWN! WHAT’S WRONG?

They took her.

Shit.

OK here’s what we do. Winston will want to make an example of her..

He’ll insist on a public execution..

If we ambush them on the way, we might have a chance.

But weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll need a signal

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got an idea

What’s that?

The necklace! Tom’s here

She’s getting away

GRAB HER!

I need her alive!

I can’t believe you came for me

It’s alright, it’s over now

Not yet ..

We can end this tonight!

Stay with him

All it takes ...

is one wellplaced step.

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www.facebook.com/Invasion

MUSIC PROFILE : Last year, DJ Zedd released his first studio album ‘Clarity’. Since then he’s produced tracks for the likes of Justin Bieber and produced Lady Gaga’s new album Artpop, which was released at the beginning of November. You may not know much about this new exciting artist, so HANNAH JACKSON gives you the lowdown. DJ Zedd, real name Anton Zaslavski, was born on September 2nd 1989 and was raised in Kaiserslautern, Germany by two classically trained musicians, he began playing the piano aged four. Aged 12, Anton started to explore other genres of music. He began to play drums in the rock band Dioramic, as well as composing and producing tracks for the band. His interest in electronic music was sparked in 2009 after hearing French electronic duo Justice. With his classically trained background and experience in his band, the transition into this very different genre seemed natural to him. It only took a few months for Zedd to get his name heard. He won two Beatport remix contests, it was then that Skrillex took notice and signed him to his label. Zedd has released remixes for Lady Gaga, Black Eyed Peas,

and Swedish House Mafia amongst others. Gaga even featured his remix of ‘Marry the Night’ on her album. From there, his stature and popularity continued to rise.

on the music scene, with rave reviews for the song. I suggest giving it a listen if you haven’t already, you’ll find yourself singing along without even realising.

Zedd ft. Hayley Williams

Zedd in action

His most recent release is a collaboration with Paramore’s lead singer Hayley Williams. “Stay the night” is far from Paramore’s usual rock genre. The song has a likeness to David Guetta and a real club vibe. Williams is no stranger to collaborations. In 2010, she appeared on the UK No. 1 single “Airplanes”, with rapper B.o.B. The Paramore singer’s popularity coupled with fantastic vocals is proving to be her route to success and collaborating with Zedd, could well result in an increase of publicity for him.

The Birmingham O2 Academy welcomed DJ Zedd last month. He recently tweeted: “The Moment of Clarity tour REALLY is all about the experience.” Keeping with this claim, Zedd put on a great show for the audience. With strobe lighting, ﬂowing drinks, hard club beats and the well-known “Clarity”, the audience really did have a great night.

The track is a lot more upbeat than Airplanes and is already making waves

Zedd’s ability to dip into different music genres and create a great set from such a variety of tracks is what makes him stand out from the crowd. At only 23, I think we can expect to hear a lot more from him.

e l g n n Ju

Neo and

What were you doing before joining Neon Jungle? Asami: I was studying music in college, but if I wasn’t doing this, I’d want to have gone to university as well.

Jessie J

at the

Shereen: I was just singing away, travelling back and forth to London to recording studios, trying to get to where I am today.

LG Arena Birmingham

Amira: I was studying music and dance. Jess: I had about a million jobs, but directly before this I was acting. You’re all from a musical, performance background. Do you think you’d be continuing on that path if Neon Jungle hadn’t have happened? Amira: If I’m honest, I was never really going to give up singing. But just before this, I was leaning towards the dancing side of things, because it’s just so hard to get out there. It’s something I didn’t ever think would be possible. But look at us now. Asami: I would obviously keep trying, but I think if I couldn’t be a performer I would probably end up teaching music or being a singing teacher or anything to do with music. It’s just what I’ve always wanted to do.

Neon Jungle Neon Jungle are set to be the next big thing in the world of girl bands. The 4 piece band is made up of Londoners, Amira McCarthy (17) and Jess Plummer (20). Asami Zdrenka (17) from Suﬀolk and Shereen Cutkelvin (16) from Scotland. I was lucky enough to interview the girls before they went on stage to support Jessie J, at the LG arena in Birmingham. With my press pass and trusty recorder in hand, I went backstage to have a chat with the ladies.

You all have your own individual styles, give me an insight into your wardrobes. Do you like to shop at any high street shops? Amira: I don’t like one shop in particular, if I like something, I might just buy it. Topshop, Urban Outfitters, small boutiques. Asami: Bershka, that’s a small shop I really like. I thought it was going to be really expensive, but I walked in and saw £16.99 and thought aw yeah, I’ll have that. Shereen: I kind of like Primark. Like lots of the stuff looks like Urban Outfitters. I’m wearing a Primark Jumper.

I enter to be greeted by three of the girls huddled around a giant dressing table, doing their makeup. Asami notices me enter and comes to shake my hand, explaining that “Jess is in the loo”. I’m struck immediately by how normal these girls are. Joking “Jessie J’s in the loo?” I couldn’t help but join in with the friendly chatter.

Shereen: Yeah, you’re rocking that Primarni!

After makeup was applied, costumes discussed and Jess had appeared, we sat down to get into the interview.

Shereen: We never get put in anything we don’t like. If we think it’s not our

How much say do you get in your stage outﬁts?

style, we can always say no.

band?

Amira: Most times we get to style ourselves and pick what we want to wear.

Shereen: My boobie fell out (delirious laughter).

Who are your music icons? Jess: As I said before, I did acting. I really like Jennifer Lopez, I think it’s great that she sings and acts and also has her own fashion line and perfume. She has everything! She has the whole package going on. Amira: Beyonce. Love her.

Yeah, it was right out on stage and there was a group of boys watching and laughing at me. I had no idea what was going on until my mum came running from the crowd shouting “Shereen, pull down your bra.” Then I was in the toilet after, and some girls came in going “Oh my god, that girl with the curly hair, did you see her boob?” I was in the cubicle and had to wait until they’d left. I was mortiﬁed!

Jess: The album, then World domination...Oh, Neon nation sounds good. Asami: Yeah, we just want to have fun with it all really. Jess: Continuing to make music, but also continuing to remain who we are. I think if I was somebody looking in on us, I’d think we were all just four normal girls and I think that shows in our music. How we perform, how we interact with fans and we just want to stay true to that.

Asami: One direction (the other girls giggle). I could just see Jess knew I was going to say a guy or a boy band. Have you met any stars yet? A chorus of voices: Connor Maynard, Union J, Wretch 32, James Arthur, Lawson Asami: All the boy bands. If a movie was made about Neon Jungle. Which actress would play each of you? Shereen: I think I would say Jennifer Hudson or Beyonce. Amira: (Gasp) Beyonce was mine. Shereen: But I like Beyonce too, man. Amira: Nah, Jennifer Hudson’s playing you. Asami: I’d say Mr Chow {from the Hangover}. Not just because he’s Asian, just because he’s so funny. I just love him.

Review

At this, Jess starts to impersonate Mr Chow Jess: Mr Chow’s best friend would play me. (Laughter) Asami: You can be the little monkey. Jess: Yeah, I’ll be the little monkey. You all get along so well! Amira: It’s just an act… (Laughter) Jess: To be honest, when we all met it was never really awkward, there was never that polite stage you go through. It was just like we were sisters. What embarrassing things have happened to you since becoming a

Amira: This didn’t happen on stage, but it very nearly could have. About ten minutes before we were set to go on stage in Manchester, I had platform shoes on and we were just walking up onto the stage when the heel separated from the shoe. My ankle cracked and I just dropped. It was a dramatic fall. So, what’s Neon Jungle got in the pipeline? Group chatter: An album. Well, a second single ﬁrst.

The girls had the not so easy task, of warming up the crowd for Jessie J. The band made an impact with their individual, edgy style and fantastic vocals. Since they’ve only been together since February, I think they did a pretty good job and received a warm response from the audience. Alongside debut track ‘Trouble’ they performed ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and gave a short introduction to the band. They exuded conﬁdence and sass, making the crowd pay attention to this new talent, and they succeeded in getting everyone in the mood for the evening’s entertainment.

Jessie J Jessie J never fails to keep her fans on their toes. The Alive tour proved that she is better than ever and her “Heartbeats”, as she calls her fans, were treated to a spectacular night. The dazzling performance included songs from her new album ‘Alive’ and crowd pleasers such as “Money”. Four outfit changes, two backing vocalists and a fantastic band brilliantly supported the fiery, “Sexy Lady” on stage, and made for a great show. The second she stepped onto stage the arena filled with deafening roars from the crowd. She opened with ‘Big White Room’, which she wrote at the age of 17, which silenced the arena. ‘Laser light’ and ‘Domino’ followed this, while ‘Thunder’ and ‘Sexy Lady’, made the crowd get up and dance. The powerful performance showcased her true talent and love of music. The third part of the show surrounded Jessie’s heartfelt speech to her fans where she told them to “be who you are” and “You’re perfect”. The singer got visibly emotional whilst introducing her track ‘Conquer the world’, written about her relationship with best friend Holly. Not one person in the stands was seated as she ended with some crowd favourites, joking that the dads’ in the crowd would at least recognise these. ‘Price Tag’, ‘Nobody’s Perfect’ and ‘Alive’ finished up the show, accompanied by fire, deafening cheers from the audience and more glitter and streamers than I’ve ever seen. Jessie J always manages to make me come out of her shows loving her even more than when I went in. A true entertainer, performer and lover of her fans and music alike. Hannah Jackson

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A Cautionary Tale:

The Legend of the

Runaway Man I

t was the day before Valentine’s Day, and I had been single for almost two years. Half way through my first year at university, I was disappointed with the men that university had offered so far, and wasn’t looking forward to enduring all of my smug, coupled up friends the next day. That was how I found myself at a ‘traffic light party’ with three single girlfriends, on Desperation Day, all dressed in green - signifying our availability - and acting just a little unruly. By 2am, two of us had managed to bag ourselves a man (me included) and the other girl had managed to convince quite a few people that she was Welsh (despite being a raging cockney), so, all in all, it was a successful night. We returned home - two men in tow - to our student halls. A spontaneous bout of enthusiastic karaoke soon followed, but when we received multiple complaints from the flat below, I decided it was time to take my guest and entertain him alone. Unsurprisingly, some amorous activities ensued and after a somewhat disappointing half hour, he withdrew to the toilet and I promptly fell asleep. The next thing I knew, I was being woken by the ear-splitting chimes of the fire alarm. As I scrambled out of bed, it dawned on me that my guest had never returned from the toilet. I went out into the corridor to find him, but he seemed to have disappeared. Not one of my flatmates had seen him either. The fire alarm stopped blaring, and I returned to my room to investigate. Ryan (as I found out from his provisional driver’s licence), had left in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and a pair of socks: his clothes, shoes, keys, mobile phone and wallet were all still littered around my room. I voiced my concerns to my flatmate, but she seemed unperturbed. She said this was probably a game played by guys at university, and Ryan had ten pounds in his wallet, would I like a takeaway later? My friend then left, telling me to go to sleep as Ryan probably wasn’t coming back. Tired and still intoxicated, I followed her advice. A few hours later, my slumber was again interrupted by a loud knock at the door. The Residence Manager of the student halls hesitantly popped her head around the door and tentatively asked: “Have you lost a boyfriend?” “I’ve lost somebody,” was my vague and rather embarrassed response, and on this cue the door opened and in walked Ryan. He was dressed still in his boxer shorts, but now also in a shirt and a body warmer. The Residence Manager, suppressing laughter, quickly struggled to make her excuses and left.

Ryan then shared his side of the story. On the way to the toilet, slightly more intoxicated than he’d first thought, he managed to go through the front door of the flat, which locked behind him. After knocking on the door for ten minutes, he suddenly had a brainwave. If he activated the fire alarm, then everyone would leave the flat and allow him to enter. However, after he activated it, it dawned on him that the residents may not be very happy to be awoken at 3am by a stranger in his underwear and, in a fit of panic, ran out of the building. Now he was not only trapped outside of the flat, but also outside of the block building in the freezing cold. With no other options, he approached the halls reception. When he entered, he was met by the most disliked member of the residency staff - Stephanie. As he had no proof on him that he was a student at the university (obviously), she refused to help him find my room, and said that he would have to see the Residency Manager, who would not be available until 9am. However, she couldn’t really ignore the almost naked man standing before her. So she kindly offered him a selection of clothing from the laundry lost property and informed him that he could sleep on the sofa in the draughty common room. She also offered him two bags of crisps. Luckily, he survived the night in the freezing conditions of the common room, and when the Residency Manager arrived in the morning, she helped him to find my room. He had forgotten my name, and therefore had to go through photographs of all two hundred residents at the halls to find me. When he finally arrived back at my room, he revealed that he was actually a Loughborough University student who’d been on a coach trip to Nottingham. His coach home had been at 2am, and he had to now get back there in his hungover and damaged state. He collected his clothing, and went on his way. Later on in the day, I also found out that my flatmate’s gentleman guest was also a student from Loughborough University, and had missed the same coach home. They could have gone home together, but instead we unknowingly, heartlessly sent them away separately, to brave the journey alone. The moral of the story? Don’t go home with somebody in a different city if you have to get a coach home at 2am. Unless you want the story recounted in a magazine.

Natalie Kelter

Aunty E’s Guide to. . Taking out the trash!

Hello boys and girls How are you doing?

Still got a clean bill of sexual health?

Congratulations, you’ve obviously steered clear of Ocean this term. Having attracted a fair few admirers/ stalkers (delete as applicable) myself over the last few rum-soaked weeks, I felt inspired to write about how best to shake em off. It’s getting to that

time of year, when the terminally clingy come searching for a warm body to bed down with for winter. Follow this guide, and stick to sharing the bed with your teddy bears over the next few months. They are far less demanding.

Do not respond to any form of communication. Ever! We’ve all been there. Drunk and alone. Desperately needing affirmation that you are Princess E, the most beautiful girl in all of Hockley. At this point, just

go home and listen to some Beyoncé. This is not the time to ring up the besotted fresher you tongue-raped in Ocean and have been dodging calls from since. Oh Wally, I’m sorry but I could never love a man with a Birmingham accent. If properly ignored, a sex pest will eventually fade away in a cloud of Lynx Africa and tears. One phone call later however, and he’ll be back, like the Terminator with a hard-on, and no night of spooning is worth that.

can-eat wings at Hooters, is a genuinely morbid experience. At that moment, I’d have done nearly anything to dull that sucker’s pain (apart from you know, actually go on the date), so I know it’s tempting to offer the conciliatory hand of friendship. There are several reasons why this is stupid. Especially as, it’s probably not just your suitor’s dandruff that you find off-putting. That can be fixed with a dose of Head and Shoulders and a good scrub. Sadly though, there is no such thing as a personality shampoo. So tread carefully.

Don’t even attempt friendship. There was a time when it broke my heart to say no to a date. Looking at the disappointment spread across a boy’s face as you decline an all-you-

That is, unless Saturday afternoons of Jenga and Teenage Mutant Turtles are your thing. In which case, let me know girls, and I can give you his number. I have a hunch he’s still single.

Change yourself Every Oprah style, self-help book is going to tell you that you can’t change a person, and sadly I have to agree. No amount of TLC is going to make your partner start shaving their back, however many times you tell them it’s like fucking a brillo pad (some scars will never fade). However, you can change yourself, or at least yourself whilst you’re around your admirer. It’s easy. He calls himself ‘the Pokémon guru’, and you call Pikachu a cunt. She says she enjoys the dulcet tones of Robbie Williams, tell her that Gary Barlow was the lynchpin of Take That. You get the picture. They’ll soon realise that rather than their Juliet, you’re actually just a bit of a bell end.

The Fake partner Desperate times, call for desperate measures. When a young fellow’s love for you is so deep, he gate-crashes feminist t-shirt making to be near to you, shit is going to have to go down. A quick, easy solution is to dig up one of your better looking mates, bribe them with a Nandos, then spend an afternoon showing them off as your new soul mate. Make sure you choose your faux lover with care though. It’s all very well for your best mate to offer, but when he’s half a foot shorter than you and ranks Cher as his idol, it’s not going to look very convincing, is it? You need to find a man who could win a duel blind-folded or a girl with nails so long that no bunny boiler would dream of taking her on. Essentially, you need to find the Chuck Norris of all fake life partners, and your stalker will soon disappear into the ether, hopes and self-esteem in tatters. So that’s all folks. And one last piece of advice, nothing good ever comes out of Ocean, hook ups included. TILL NEXT TIME. HAPPY HUMPING! x

goody bag Take a minute and think back to your 10th birthday party. A crappy DJ blaring out 5ive and Steps has undoubtedly sprung to mind, along with your friends running around hyper off fizzy drinks, whilst your dad busts out moves below the multi-coloured disco ball. Back then we didn’t think about bills or if week old chicken is edible, but that’s not to say we were completely worriless. There came a time when every child in the disco had the same aim: getting the best party bag of the lot. The quality of goody bag would make or break the party. Get one with a yo-yo instead of a ball and the biggest slice of cake, and I’d remember the party for a long time; but a disappointing party bag would send me into a sulk for the next week.

So if we were given a magical bag full of exciting things every time we entered Ocean, Forum or Rock City, this is what we’d want inside: • A Bottle of Water. We may be adults now and can ‘handle our drink’, but there will always be someone slouched in the corner, looking green and in need of H20.

• Plasters. Too much fizzy pop and you’ll be falling over everywhere. Blood running down your leg/arms is not attractive. • Deodorant. No-one wants to dance with someone who smells like they haven’t showered in days or even months (a constant problem in Rock City).

• A hipflask full of alcohol.

• A pair of flat shoes (ladies only)

If you are feeling sober, and all your friends are spending a lot of time testing the hardness of the ﬂoor, a splash or even a slug more vodka in your drink is wonderfully uplifting.

Boys you don’t understand the pain we go through, a pair of ﬂats would save us the ordeal of going barefoot in Maccies. • Condoms.

We may have grown up since then, but the nights out we go on as students are not that different from those discos. The crappy DJ, fizzy drinks (+ vodka), the promise of junk food (hello Trent Kebabs), and the chance of kissing the girl/boy you fancy the pants off (+ a chance you might actually get their pants off ). Yet sadly, one element has not survived through puberty; party bags. No cake, no yo-yo and not even a balloon to play with when the lights turn on.

• Tissues. Never rely on there being usable toilet paper, a pack of tissues would save asking the dreaded ‘have you still got the bar receipt?’ • Hand sanitiser. You will never know what’s happened in toilets across Nottingham, repeatedly sterilising your hands is a necessity. • A takeaway voucher. A night out that doesn’t end in you falling asleep in greasy food, doesn’t count as a night out.

You don’t want to end up with Jeremy Kyle yelling at you “why didn’t you stick something on the end of it?” • And of course the most important: a slice of birthday cake, a yo-yo and a balloon. Without them, it’s just not a party bag. Katherine Parker

Open Every

Playing Indie D ance Party A nthems All Nigh t

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The

inner child “The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules” THE JOKER During the summer holidays, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I found myself watching The Dark Knight at eight o’clock in the morning. Whilst this left me exhausted for the rest of the day, I did gain a kind of sadistic joy from my sister’s complaints about how whilst I was watching a movie, she had to get ready for school. It was in this particular situation that The Joker’s line (quoted above), took on a new resonance with me. Looking back on my first two years at university, it suddenly occurred to me that this is how I lived my life. Well okay, I’m not saying that I’m some psychotic self-proclaimed “Agent of Chaos” but, as I’m sure is the case for most students, going to university was the first time I had total independence. For the first time there was no one telling me what to do. University is a world without rules. In keeping with The Joker’s world view, my first few weeks at University could only be described as anarchic, and over the two years I noticeably regressed to a more childlike state. This has not only continued but picked up speed this year. Without teachers looking over my shoulder, my lecture notes have been reduced to cartoon drawings and a substantial part of my day consists of watching daytime TV

in my pyjamas. Without adult supervision, my concept of a healthy diet quickly deteriorated and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream is now a common breakfast food. I swiftly discovered that I’m an incompetent cook and unsurprisingly, a lot of food has been burnt and/or exploded, including a jacket potato I was forced to hurl out of our four-story ﬂat window after I somehow set it alight (inadvertently starting a food fight with our next door neighbours, who saw the ﬂaming potato comet as a declaration of war). This regression hasn’t been helped by my student loan, which begs me to make as many stupid purchases

as possible. During my first month in Nottingham, I decided to buy an incredibly expensive, and incredibly tight-fitting leather jacket. At the time, I was convinced I looked like a rock star, but with a physical appearance that has been likened to Moss from the IT Crowd, a leather jacket was clearly a very bad look for me. However, this kind of irrational behaviour seems to be commonplace, as my friends have sacrificed their rent for snowboards, popcorn machines and other such ridiculous items. With my housemates also falling victim to the student finance spending spree, our once clean, respectable student ﬂat has become a children’s playground, adorned by our collection of remote helicopters, space hoppers and Nerf guns. The constant threat of ambush from my fellow housemates, means that a simple trip to the kitchen for a cup of tea is fraught with danger, an early incident leaving me trapped in a giant piece of cling film for a good half hour. Even outside of my student accommodation, life has become increasingly surreal. On my daily walk into campus I often have to dodge one guy who seems to think a unicycle is an acceptable mode of transport, and once there I’m besieged by face-painted

students with sweets hoping to sign me up to something or another. Nights out are no different. One night last year started with a trip round Sainsbury’s in a penguin onesie and ended in Wollaton Park at 5am, watching one of my mates fail in an attempt to kidnap a deer (he didn’t come close). This is a fairly standard night for me. Now in my final year, I look back on all that chaos, and I can quite easily say I’ve enjoyed every second of it. I’m not saying University is all fun and games, but it’s quite easy to forget all the mundane things like paying bills and doing coursework when you’ve swam in the fountain in Market Square or eaten a burger in McDonalds while dressed as Captain America. So for now I’m just going to embrace the childish, arbitrary nature of student life and hope I somehow manage to grow up in time for graduation…

Home Improvements

A prominent feature of our playground-like ﬂat in first year, was a blanket fort I constructed in the middle of the living room. University gives you a free pass to reject social convention, so why sleep in a bed when you can camp in an epic fortress of your own design? I’m not going to give you a run through on how to actually build a fort, as, quite frankly, you’re a grown adult and you should already know how to do it. However, some essential items you will need are:

•blankets, •pillows, •clothes pegs, •something to erect your fort around i.e. some chairs, •Nerf guns or similar projectile weapon for defence. •An intimidating name like “Fort Kickass” or “The United States of [Insert name here]” is also important. Additionally, it’s probably a good idea to make the rules of the fort clearly visible, for example in my second year I lived in a house with four girls, so my fort had a clear “No Girls Allowed” sign hanging above the entrance. I

would also advise building your fort in the most obnoxious place possible to make things difficult for those who would be opposed to such a great feat of architecture, i.e. around your television, an office space or a supermarket. Warning: While a mattress might seem like a good material for fortifying your blanket stronghold, forts made up of several mattresses are prone to collapsing and can be quite difficult to escape from. Think the end of Inception but slightly less dramatic.

How to Survive The naff New Year’s Eve party It’s New Year’s Eve. The wildest night of the year. It’s time to bring in 2014 with a BANG. Or, as is more likely, you’ve been invited to a New Year’s Eve party by someone within your friendship group, this friend is not known for throwing wild parties – unfortunately, it’s your only choice, and rather than spending New Year’s by yourself whimpering into your pillow, you’ve decided to go anyway. To save your night from being as boring as the first Hobbit movie, we’ve made a guide on how to enjoy yourself at, what would otherwise be, the standard naff New Year’s Eve party: ly boring, resort back to the bin and play a drinking game, hopefully this will take your mind off the party for a while. Another game you can play is Kitchen hockey – using a mop, a broom and a ball… you can guess the rest. Avoid the BBC (or any other televised fireworks) Just before Midnight the host will insist on watching the fireworks on TV. Stay away, it will just compound how distinctly average, your celebration has been. There’s nothing worse than realising some people are actually enjoying themselves. Don’t get excited

Assess the guests

Stock up

Most importantly, make sure a best friend is going. Many people go away over this period, so there is a chance they won’t be there. If this happens, hopefully you’ll still have a collection of good friends to share the misery with. Remember, we’re British – we enjoy nothing more than complaining.

Never trust the host when they declare: “alcohol will be provided”. It’s always much safer to assume that there won’t be any, so bring your own. Make sure you’ve got enough to space out the evening, remember, this has to last the arduous ‘drinking games’, the boring small talk, and the slow, anti-climactic come-down from the BBC fireworks. Watch out for the ‘snipers’. Those people who are either too cheap, or not forward-thinking enough to get their own booze. They will therefore constantly be asking for some of your’s. Set out a plan to deal with them – for instance, give them a forfeit every time they take some of your drink. This way you get them to entertain you in exchange for alcohol. Everybody wins!

Check the list again Your best friend may be there, but you could be joined by some undesirables. These could be ex’s; the strange kid who no one really talks to, ‘the slightly depressing one’, who just mopes all night and ends up crying because of something that happened a few months ago – if these guys are attending, avoid them like the plague. On the list there may also be some nice surprises. Someone you haven’t seen in a while; an attractive member of the other sex you’ve not met before; or even that guy who gets far too drunk and blurts out brilliant insults about the whole group. These guys could add some excitement to the night.

Find some props Upon entering the house, immediately scout the best projectile receptacle (a bin or box), this will form a goal. Now find a spherical object to use as a ball. This will be your fall back for the evening. If things ever get to painful-

This is the response of an amateur to the New Year’s Eve party. I can’t stress this enough, under no circumstances get excited about New Year’s Eve. Even if you’re going to a rooftop swimming pool party – it will NOT meet your expectations. Expect to be bitterly disappointed, that way you might have a mildly enjoyable night. Have a decent year. Love Uni2. SJ

Arriving at Manchester Apollo towards the end of last month, I was quite looking forward to one of my first concerts in a few years. I mean, free ticket, thank you very much. I took a friend, also of the male gender, with me. Which created a very sweaty and awkward evening for the two of us. After collecting our tickets from the office, we were told to go to the back of the main queue. It was stretched down one, very long, arduous road, which (to our displeasure and embarrassment), was filled almost exclusively by groups of girls, ranging from 8 years old to middle aged. Amidst this vast sea of women, there were very few men or boys, and certainly none who had come together. I had dressed fairly smartly, as had my friend. As a result, we looked every bit like an (admittedly very cute) gay couple. The next one or two hours was spent purely deliberating what we could do. For instance, we could move to the very far back where no

o l l o p A r e t s e h c Man

one could see us. Maybe we could separate from each other, or simply introduce ourselves to a number of girls and join them. However, being the awkward souls that we are, we chose none of these options and remained tightly stood in one spot for the whole concert, trying to avoid the frequent glances of people wondering: “Look at those two guys, do you reckon they’re gay?” But anyway, this is supposed to be a concert review. All three acts, including the two back-up artists (Paighton and Room 94) were very impressive. Barring the incident where a member of Room 94 decided twerking was appropriate, the performances were very entertaining and their songs, particularly “Superstar” and “Chasing Summer” (Room 94) were keenly listened to.

dressed in skinny jeans and plain vest tops, and opened with one of their biggest singles, “Juliet.” They continued to perform many of their wellknown songs such as “Learn to Love Again” and “When She Was Mine” with style and confidence. As well as introducing some new singles such as “Parachutes”, which was a personal highlight. They looked as if they belonged on stage, proving themselves to be a top boy-band, although I get the distinct feeling they don’t want to be branded as such. As far as I’m concerned, Lawson are too good a band for the tag of “standard boy-band”. But with their good looks and style, guys like my friend and I, will continue to be ridiculed for attending their concerts together. Nathan Jacobs

The biggest roar of the night came when Lawson took to the stage,

House Hunting Checklist House-Hunting season is about to start. Over the next two to three months you’ll be stumbling around numerous houses, ferried by landlords trying to get you round as quickly as possible, before you see something you don’t like. If you’re anything like me, you’ll have absolutely no idea what to look for, or what to ask the landlord. So, to help you out and make sure you don’t miss anything vital, Uni2Rent’s Lettings Manager Francois Keon has provided this checklist. Happy hunting!

Gas and electricity

Furniture

�Check the heating is adequate. □ �Make sure the cooker works and, if it runs on gas, check the thermostat as well. □ �Ask to see the Gas Safe Register safety record and the Electrical Periodic Safety report. □

�Of the existing furniture, find out what’s the property of the current tenants. □ �Ensure the furniture is fire retardant. □ •Appliances (e.g. Washing Machine, Fridge) □ �What’s provided with the house and are there instructions on how to use them? □

Plumbing �Try all the taps. □ �Check that the sinks drain. □ �Does the toilet flush properly? Does it leak? □ �Be on the lookout for any signs of pests (mouse droppings, slug trails, fleas). □

Security �Is there a burglar alarm that works? (You’d be amazed how often this isn’t the case) □ �Find out what kind of lock the external door is fitted with, (five-lever mortise lock is preferable). □ �Ground floor windows should be equipped with security catches, along with thick curtains. □

Money �How much is the rent? Compare this to other rents in the area. □ �Get a receipt for your deposit. □ �Find out who’s responsible for the water bill, you or the owner. □ �How much will heating cost? □

Agreements �Always talk to previous occupants, their opinions are invaluable (especially in regards to the landlord). □ �Find out what your contract means and get a copy of it. □ �Will you be jointly liable with the other tenants? □

How did you score? 28-32: Spot on 24-28: Good 20-24: OK, I guess

Owner �Always get your owner’s name and address. This will make it easier to contact them in emergencies. □

Outside the property •Does the roof look sound? (Check for damp inside the house too) □ �Check for plants growing out of the gutters. (This would be bad) □ �Are the drains clear? □ �Be on the lookout for rotting woodwork. (Also bad) □

Safety �Check that, in the event of a fire in the main hallways, you can get out. (This would be good) □ �Ensure that smoke detectors or fire alarms are fitted. □ �Find out if the house is equipped with fire doors. (Also good) □

Repairs �If any repairs need doing, tell the owner in writing. □

Environmental issues �Is the water heated economically? □ �Ask if the hot water tank is insulated and if it has a BSA approved insulation jacket. □

And ﬁnally

Hi I’m Francois. Come in to Uni2 so we can arrange a viewing.

�Is the house Uni2 Accredited? If not, you deserve better ;) □

16-20: A bit shit

This is an advisory list, but at the end of the day, use your common sense. If a house looks shit, it most probably is. And even if it gets 31, but is missing something vital, keep looking.

12-16: Get out as fast as you can 8-12: Seriously, run 4-8: It’s a death-trap 0-4: Stop trying to steal that tramp’s home

d e B e e r h T o t One

Great space!

Noel Street

Stylish bedroom!

Large kitchen!

Great bedroom!

£95

£80

Lenton Boulevard

Lovely house

Great price

Great site

Central heating

Amazing kitchen

Walking distance

Large rooms

Top quality

Modern living!

Bard House

Great kitchen!

Stylish setting!

£110

Wellington Square

lovely room!

£110

Perfect location

Top quality

Fantastic property

Popular site

Excellent price

Ultra modern

Amazing price

Great location

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Four Beds!

Lovely Space!

Great bedrooms!

Rolleston Drive

£76

Loads of room!

Noel Street

Plenty of space!

£75

Big rooms

Central heating

All bills inclusive

Brilliant location

Great Location

Double glazing

Large rooms

Modern

Bags of character!

Tudor Grove

Nice living room!

Mordern kitchen!

£68

Cromwell Street

Stylish rooms!

£60

Popular site

Great price

Lovely house

Uon or NTU

Double glazing

Nicely ﬁnished

Superb location

Walking distance

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Four Beds!

Lovely Space!

Palin Street

Great kitchen!

Fully furnished!

£80

Rothersay Avenue

Large bedrooms!

£70

Huge rooms

All bills included

Great site

Brilliant location

Super Location

Top quality

Large rooms

Fully furnished

Bags of character!

Six Degrees

Nice living room!

Mordern kitchen!

£100

Peveril Street

Stylish rooms!

£75

Popular site

All bills included

Lovely house

Great price

Modern

Top quality

Superb location

Walking distance

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Five Beds!

Lovely Space!

Bute Avenue

Great kitchen!

Modern kitchen!

£70

Park Avenue

Large bedrooms!

£65

Lovely house

Popular site

Great site

West Bridgeford

Superb location

Modern

Large rooms

Character

Bags of character!

Nice living room!

Stylish rooms!

Stylish kitchen!

Lenton Boulevard

£70

Matlock Court

Central heating

Brilliant location

Lovely house

Great price

Top quality

Fully furnished

Superb location

42” TV included

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£80

s d e B x i S & e Fiv

Lovely Space!

Lenton Boulevard

Great kitchen!

Large bedrooms!

Fully furnished!

£70

£80

Park Road

Lovely house

Great price

Great site

Central heating

Superb location

Walking distance

Large rooms

Top quality

Bags of character!

Dunlop Avenue

Nice living room!

Stylish rooms!

£75

Kimbolton Avenue

Stylish kitchen!

£74

Pefect for UoN

Brilliant location

Super location

Popular site

Character

Fully furnished

Great price

Modern

0115 870 8069 8045

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d e B n e v e S & Six

Great space!

Rushworth Avenue

Stylish kitchen!

Lovely kitchen!

£85

Balfour Road

Large bathroom!

£80

Lovely house

Great price

Great site

Central heating

Amazing kitchen

Walking distance

Large rooms

Top quality

Modern living!

Midland Avenue

Huge bedroom!

Stylish setting!

£85

Seely Road

large living room!

£80

NTU or UoN

Brilliant location

Fantastic property

Popular site

Character

Fully furnished

Great price

Ultra Modern

8069 0115 870 8079 8045

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Six Beds!

Lovely kitchen!

Johnson Road

Stylish space!

Fully furnished!

£110

Gamble Street

Large bedrooms!

£80

Lovely house

Great price

Great site

Central heating

Superb location

Walking distance

Large rooms

Top quality

Modern living!

Albert Square

Huge bedroom!

Stylish setting!

£85

Six Degrees

large kitchen!

£100

NTU or UoN

Brilliant location

Super location

Popular site

Character

Fully furnished

Ultra modern

All bills included

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! s d e B t h g i E Seven &

Great kitchen!

Stylish space!

Russell Street

£85

Lovely living room!

Harrington Drive

Large bedroom!

£80

Lovely house

Great price

Great site

Central heating

Amazing kitchen

Walking distance

Large rooms

Top quality

Modern living!

Lenton Boulevard

Huge bedroom!

Stylish setting!

£82

Harrington Drive

Huge bedroom!

£80

NTU or UoN

Brilliant location

Fantastic property

Popular site

Character

Fully furnished

Great price

Ultra Modern

0115 870 8069 8045

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Dead Rising 3 The Xbox exclusive Dead Rising series has always maintained a special place in my heart. Wonderfully over-the-top, incredibly gory and utterly outrageous, those who enjoyed the first two games in the franchise would be foolish not to come back. Serious gamers beware, you don’t belong here. Moving with the trend of the series, Dead Rising 3 puts you in the shoes of new character Nick Ramos, escaping the fictional Californian city of Los Perdidos before a scheduled military wipe-out to erase the city’s undead.

Here, characterisation takes a back seat. This is more Evil Dead than The Walking Dead, with the core of the gameplay encouraging gleeful violence, a loose narrative and lots of choice in how you play. Most notably, Dead Rising 3 seeks to continue its tradition of unique innovation, providing the player with an enormous open environment to explore and a system of combining absurd numbers of items into tools and weaponry. Feel like facing the undead with an axe-chainsaw? Or perhaps a full suit of armour and a machine gun? In fact, why risk being on foot at all when you can drive a car-tractor-flamethrower through a hoard of zombies? In Dead Rising 3, the choice is entirely yours.

The Order: 1866 With The Order: 1866, developers Ready-At-Dawn (the creative team behind the God of War games for the PlayStation Portable) have been given their chance to shine with this new intellectual property exclusive to the PS4. Looking like a cross between Bioshock: Infinite and the steampunk world of Dishonoured, the game is set in a re-imagined London in the year 1886, featuring ‘The Order,’ the nineteenth century descendants of King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table. While little has been revealed about the plot so far, it is known that gameplay will feature some elements of free roaming and creature hunting, as you look to protect the streets of London from shadowy threats which lurk around every corner.

The game has taken an interesting twist on mythology too, with names such as Lady Igraine and Malory taken from Arthurian literature and adapted to this strange and unique story. While The Order 1866’s story looks to break new ground, it’s the world the game takes place in, which is set to steal the show. With popular London landmarks such as Big Ben and St Paul’s marking out the city’s skyline, the designers have made several subtle and bold attempts at re-inventing London. The London Underground now runs through buildings and connects crucial city locations, providing a convenient means of transportation. More subtle changes include the use of electricity throughout the city, as you hear the hum of street lighting when exploring. While there’s much to be excited about, there’s also plenty yet to be revealed about the game. If The Order: 1866 can deliver on its potential though, we may have the PlayStation’s next big title sooner than we think.

Watch Dogs Developed by Ubisoft Montreal, the studio responsible for the oncevisionary Assassin’s Creed franchise and the recent Far Cry 3, Watch Dogs marks the studio’s first attempt at making a game for the next generation of consoles. Set in Chicago, Illinois, Watch Dogs puts the player in control of Aidan Pearce, a hacker-assassin in a city controlled by an advanced, futuristic supercomputer. Inspired by the actual events of the North-east US blackout of 2003, the supercomputer of the game world now links all vital electronics signals of infrastructure, telecommunications and portable technology together. This is where the unique nature of Watch Dogs cuts in above other gaming concepts of late, allowing Pearce to control, exploit and manipulate digital signals with his hand held device.

A demo of Watch Dogs’ gameplay debuted at the E3 2012 conference, depicting the various ways in which the game world would be crucial to the player’s style of gameplay Sent to assassinate a high profile target, Pearce approaches the man’s ‘digital gallery’ launch, luring his target to him. The demo illustrated the highly detailed nature of the world’s environment, from waiters serving cocktails while wearing scannable bar codes, to the ability to glean highly personal information from people’s tablets and mobiles, such as their name, income and occupation. Also popping up is an interesting fact about each person, for example, ‘Teaches Krav Maga’ or ‘Home mortgage declined twice.’ Whether this remains a gimmick or an actionable fact influencing the way you’ll approach people, remains to be seen.

To assassinate your target, you can infer multiple methods of interception. In the demo, Pearce jumbles traffic light signals to do so, causing a massive car pile-up. In the game’s grungy, realistic and gritty approach, Pearce acts as both hacker and assassin, from listening in on calls, to slowing down or speeding up public transport so he can escape a crime scene. This is the first game that has me this excited since 2007’s Assassin’s Creed. While the possibilities seem enormous, and have attracted widespread attention in the gaming world, Watch Dogs has unfortunately been delayed from its Q4 release in 2013 to the second quarter of 2014. However, if the finished product is half as good as what we’ve seen so far, then we’ll have something on our hands when Watch Dogs is released next year. Graphics: George Maddison Written by: Aatish Thakerar

, h s li g n E ’m I , h a n n a H My name’s . n a f ll a b t o o f n ia n s o B a and I’m One of the best things about supporting Bosnia, is the fans. They’re warm, welcoming and generous, and their passion runs deep. My first real experience of this involved sitting outside on a stuffy summer’s eve in Sarajevo, watching Bosnia stick it to France - until they conceded a penalty. Had Bosnia won that match, they would have qualified for the Euro 2012 tournament. Instead, they entered the playoffs against Portugal, who had smashed their dreams in the 2010 World Cup playoffs. And they proceeded to do so again. Fuckers.

Bosnia and Herzegovina. Not a name typically synonymous with football. But dig a little deeper, and you unearth some true treasures. Most people will be familiar with the Bosnian Diamond (Dijamante) Edin Dzeko, but as Bosnia proved in their recent World Cup Qualifiers; they’re more than just one star player. Striker Vedad Ibišević (Ibi-sh-vich), has already racked up numerous goals for VfB Stuttgart this season. Attacking midfielder Miralem Pjanić (Pyan-ich) is making waves for Roma, and is integral to Bosnia’s high-risk, playmaking strategy. The safe hands of Stoke’s Asmir Begović, also deserve a mention. They were especially welcome during the tense final minutes of Bosnia’s last qualifying match - against Lithuania - in Kaunas on 15th October 2013. I should know, I was there. However, I am English. So, why am I more concerned about the national team of an Eastern European country, than I am with the highs and lows of England, home of the beautiful game? Well, mostly because England are boring. I’ve fallen out of love with them, not completely, but very close.

I could never fully detach myself from England, but I’ve been smitten with Bosnia since first visiting in 2011, when Sarajevo stole my heart. Bosnia is my illicit lover, whereas England is my faithful, but dull consort. The spark that once existed between us has gone. England may still have my soul, but Bosnia has my heart. Bosnian fans are incredibly passionate, they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Kaunas became Little Bosnia in the run up to the final encounter. The Lithuanian locals, who are more concerned with basketball, had no idea what had hit them. My very simple grasp of the Bosnian language and football paraphernalia, was all I needed to take my place amongst the BH Fanaticos, converging on this small city. And boy, did the beer and whiskey ﬂow. After the final whistle blew, jubilation spread amongst even the most passive Bosnian football fans. As we walked back to the centre of Kaunas, we joined masses of other Bosnian supporters in song. In Sarajevo, 50, 000 fans hit the streets to greet the players, who arrived back in the capital at 2:00am. The party continued long into the night.

This is where things differ from supporting England. Despite the defeat, it didn’t matter, because Bosnia had played fantastically. Yes, they gave away a silly penalty, but you couldn’t fault them otherwise. The pure frustration that comes with watching England is their lack of presence. They mostly rock up, run about a bit and go home. Don’t get me wrong, we have some great players, but rarely do they gel. Bosnia, in contrast, are greater than the sum of their parts. And when they’re on fire, they’re unstoppable.

gs e best thin “One of th nia, orting Bos about supp arm, . They’re w s n fa e h t is us, and genero welcoming

assion runs deep.”

and their p

The away match against Slovakia is a good example. They’d already lost at home (and thrown away precious points) a few days before, and here they were, sitting 1-0 down after the first half. What the hell was happening? And then it switched, the passion kicked in. They played brilliantly and turned it round. I’ve never shouted at a laptop so much before in my life. The fans are always in strong voice, even when the tide is against them. Even across my crappy internet stream of the game, I’ve never heard fans sing with so much spirit. Or a commentator wail so much with happiness. Having a ‘second team’ for international tournaments is nothing new, but I urge you to look beyond Spain and Germany, to the diamonds in the rough. It was so much more exciting (and heartbreaking) watching Ghana during the last world cup, and this is what Bosnia could offer in Brazil next year. Although I hope without a Suarez-style tragedy. I doubt my budget will allow me to make the pilgrimage to Brazil, but I’ll be taking my seat alongside the BH Fanaticos on the streets of Sarajevo in June. I hope you’ll join me. Hannah Coleman

The Gaffer I dunno. Something about clubbing and Reading. of post-GCSEs exuberance, I was taken home in a police van after being caught in a bush, getting up to no good with a lady friend. My mum didn’t leave the house for weeks and to this day I am still taunted by various members of my year group. Or the legendary night when my friends and I broke into a local golf club to liberate the course of its ﬂags. These were then placed on our school roof, to the chagrin of the caretakers.

Reading FC’s underwhelming start to life back in the second tier, has compelled me to hark back to the 2005/2006 vintage, who steamrollered their way to the Championship title, amassing a record 106 points. Contrary to the assertions of current manager Nigel Adkins - who claimed that the current crop of players could emulate Steve Coppell’s side - this will never be bettered. The same, sadly, can be said about my nocturnal activities. Despite turning eighteen a good few years ago, after-dark ventures were far more enjoyable when I was forced to consume alcohol underage in the woods, fields and parks of Berkshire. Moments of hilarity were commonplace. Take the time when, in a bout

Moreover, when consuming alcohol in the great outdoors, you can avoid the irritating aspects of city centre venues. Here, there is no toilet attendant chanting crude rhymes ad nauseasum, no bouncers denying you entry because you’re wearing the wrong shoes, and no obnoxious DJ playing the songs championed by Capital FM. Instead, it’s like a cheaper version of the VIP section - no background noise, no riff raff, just you and your friends drinking to your heart’s content. Yet one aspect of clubbing is far more agreeable. Unless you want to get together with your friends - which, take it from me, is a bad idea - opportunities for female procurement are few and far between, in a muddy field. In contrast, the sticky dance ﬂoors of Rock City and Ocean, provide an excellent environment from which to sound out potential candidates. Indeed, the best way to do this is through doing an Adam Le Fondre, the Reading FC striker who often scores in the dying minutes of matches. The best time to pester the opposite sex is late on, preferably after 2am, giving the ladies less time to realise just what a loser I actually am. Such tactics have had varying levels of success. Hidden within an album on Facebook is photographic evidence of me with a ridiculously attractive, blonde woman. There is, however, similar

evidence of me hooking up with many ladies who, quite frankly, make Vanessa Feltz appear athletic. And of course, there is the most infamous romantic conquest of them all: the Swedish minx with a perchance for naughty 3am phone calls. I won’t divulge most of the stories from this brief ﬂing (a gentleman never tells), but I will share one that gives you an idea of the lady in question. Naughty Swedish Sort: “I am convinced that we’re in the midst of a wanking renaissance. There’s just so much out there on the World Wide Web when I’m feeling naughty!” Me: “Renaissance? I think you mean zenith. Julius Caesar and Marc Anthony were hardly bashing one out over You-porn videos.” Hilarious? Probably. Crude and Crass? Absolutely. A 2005/2006 Reading FC team managed by Steve Coppell? Not even close.

The

Review

Lumber jacks

Last month, the Canadian three-piece comedy act ‘The Lumberjacks’ performed at Just the Tonic comedy club (located in the Forum). The venue was packed with an eager crowd, many likely attracted by frontman Stewart Francis, whose quick-fire, one-liner style of comedy has seen his popularity skyrocket in recent years. The Mock the Week stalwart acted as host for the group, introducing the set with a few jokes poking fun at his fame compared to his compatriots. Then Glenn Wool came out with an enjoyable set. His style of comedy is quite different to Francis’s. Best described as ‘drunk comedy’ he slurred his way through his half an hour slot. Wool has warmly received with an especially great routine on different cultures. The show then broke to intermission by poking fun at the recent controversy surrounding fellow Canadian, Robin Thicke’s song ‘Blurred Lines’. The comedians danced provocative-

ly to it while declaring “we don’t objectify women… men on the other hand”. Then, in a moment that will be seared onto my brain for all entirety, Craig Campbell appeared wearing women’s underwear. Which, shall we say, didn’t cover everything. After the intermission, Francis came out with some more fantastic one-liners before leaving the stage, unfortunately for the last time, to make way for Campbell. Campbell’s brand of hyperactive comedy, involving a lot of screaming and exaggerated facial expressions, contrasted nicely with Wool and Francis. Most of his act was spent comparing his home Canada with Britain, along with some, always welcome, ribbing on Americans. While it made for some nice ego-massaging for the British crowd, Campbell, who has lived in Devon since 1998, should know that there’s only so long Brits can take being complimented and after a while this grew a bit stale. I also couldn’t help thinking that the Britain Campbell lives in,

and so loves, is maybe a bit different from Nottingham. He joked about having nice conversations with cops who’d pulled him over for a chat, and buying meat off a neighbour, something which I doubt many of us can really identify with. Having said this, Campbell still achieved a great deal of laughs, especially with his mocking of Canadian driving skills. Campbell finished quite abruptly and most of the audience waited around, expecting Francis to come out again to finish the show, before realising that had in fact been the end. So all in all, a very enjoyable show. I would have liked to have seen more of Francis and maybe a little less of Campbell, but all three comedians complemented each other well as each has their own distinct styles. Highly recommended. DF

Five Changes to the Industry: The growth of online gaming - Online multiplayer was a feature available to both the Xbox and the PS2,and games, such as Halo 2, were played online by millions. But for the first time, almost all of this generation’s titles came with some form of online capability and it is assumed that if you play, you play online. This has resulted in a longer lifespan for games, but in shorter single-player campaigns.

Downloadable Content – Another result of the increased online connectivity of consoles. Most developers will now make DLC for their titles post-release. At its best, DLC can add new levels, allowing players to dust off old games (e.g. Borderlands). At worst, content will be removed from the disc and is instead released as day one DLC, which costs extra (e.g. Mass Effect 3). The ability to download games has also led to a huge increase in indie developed titles, such as the fantastic Journey. This has resulted in a wider variety within the market, and gives developers an easier path into the industry.

Achievements - When Xbox Live introduced achievements, and PSN introduced the similar trophy system, I don’t think anyone could’ve predicted the effect they’d have on how we play. The system works by rewarding gamers for completing specific tasks set out by the developers. This could be for something as simple as finding an Easter egg, or as complicated as finishing the campaign on the highest difficulty. As a result, people will now spend hours trying to complete achievements, and there are even multiple websites dedicated to showing players how to gain trophies.

Our highlights The rise of COD – It’s strange to think that six years ago, Call of Duty was not a huge franchise. It was popular, but not massively so. That all changed in 2007 when Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare came out. Set in the near future, rather than World War 2 like past additions, it gained the attention of gamers worldwide and made COD the behemoth it is today.

In Chronological Order:

Motion Control – With the launch of the Nintendo Wii, for the first time, motion control was at the forefront of a console. Hard-core gamers were (and remain) suspicious of motion control, but it was lapped up by millions of all ages, resulting in Wii Fit and Wii Sports being amongst the best-selling games of this generation. This has created a new breed of gamer - the casual. Sony and Microsoft tried to capitalise on this new market by releasing the PlayStation Move and the Xbox Kinect respectively. Critical reception was lukewarm, but Kinect is integral to the upcoming Xbox One and Move is also being released for the PS4, so it appears motion control is here to stay.

Gears of War – The first Gears was released in 2006 and two sequels and one spin-off followed. Combining intense action with elements of space horror, it was lauded by critics, with its innovative cover system singled out for praise. You control Marcus Fenix as he, and Dominic Santiago, fight back against the evil Locusts. It’s not a franchise that’s particularly remembered for its story, but Dom’s always doomed search for his missing wife and it’s tragic conclusion, has stayed with me ever since. “Never thought that it would end like this, huh? Huh, Maria?” *Sob*

Super Mario Galaxy – The only Wiiexclusive on this list, Super Mario Galaxy is probably also the most ground-breaking game I’ve singled out. Galaxy catapults the Italian plumber to outer space, where he must collect stars in order to save Princess Peach from Bowser. In a fantastic design choice, the changing gravity is a tool to use, which made for some challenging levels and mind-bending puzzles. The two Galaxy games are, quite simply, the best platformers I’ve ever played.

Assassins Creed – Assassins Creed was released in 2007 and, within a few years spawned one of the most successful video game franchises of all time. The story follows members of a secret society of assassins throughout different historical periods. The first is set in 12th century Egypt, the second in Italy during the Renaissance, and the third during the American Revolution. The mixed stealth elements (with parkour and swordplay) offered a gameplay experience like no other. It’s obvious why this franchise has become so popular, so quickly. A must for any self-respecting gamer.

by the light before adjusting and looks out at the beautiful world Bethesda created.

Mass Effect – This trilogy played out entirely in this generation, and proved that video games are capable of the very best storytelling. You control Commander Shepard, as she (or he) is plunged into a galaxy filled with rich, diverse alien species and complicated characters. Mass Effect 2, in which you have to prepare for a suicide mission, is most definitely the highlight of the series. Your choices throughout the game determines who lives and dies, making for a truly nerve-wracking finale.

Uncharted – Another trilogy that’s entirely of this generation. Uncharted puts you in the shoes of Nathan Drake as he searches for lost treasures while pursued by pirates, Serbian war criminals, and secret societies. The series improved with each release, finishing with the phenomenal Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, the focus on a more personal story about Drake, elevating the third instalment above its predecessors.

Fallout 3 – The Fallout franchise had lain dormant for ten years before developer Bethesda released Fallout 3. To the outrage of fanboys, Bethesda ditched the top-down view of Fallout 1 and 2 for a first-person perspective and boy did it pay off. Its visuals were a thing to behold, particularly when your character first leaves their underground vault, is overwhelmed

Red Dead Redemption – Rockstar games, most famous for the GTA series, delivered this incredible, openworld Western. Set in 1911, during the decline of the American frontier. The plot follows former outlaw John Marston, who’s forced to track down his old gang by the FBI, who’ve kidnapped his wife and son. RDR combines exhilarating gunfights, with a complex story and an unforgettable ending that punches you in the gut. The stand out moment is, undoubtedly, riding into Mexico for the first time, as Jose Gonzalez’s haunting song ‘Far Away’ starts to play. Few moments not just in video games, but in media in general - manage to capture the harsh beauty of the Old West as skilfully as this.

The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim – With the 360 and the PS3, this ambitious, open-world franchise finally had the hardware to match its ambition. Oblivion was released in 2006 and Skyrim followed five years later. The game sports incredible art design and visuals as you traverse one of the best realised worlds ever created. Skyrim also offered one of the most exhilarating experiences of this generation, random dragon attacks. Every so often, while roaming the wilderness, you’ll hear the dreaded roar, and see a dragon swoop towards you, leading to terrifying and difficult battles.

Halo Reach – After nine years and five games, developer Bungie finally passed on the Halo torch to 343 Studios. But not before they left us with this beautiful swansong. The single player campaign focuses on Noble Team, as they mount a last defence of the planet Reach. The multiplayer improved and refined on Halo 3’s introducing new equipment such as the Jetpack which resulted in much gleeful trolling of opposition players.

The Last of Us – This zombie survival game delivered the closing standard for this generation. Praised for its slow, deliberate storytelling, along with terrifying gameplay that gives you only minimal weapons. The story follows Joel, a ruthless survivor, as he protects the fourteen year old Ellie from zombies and humans alike. The ending is one of the most powerful, not just of this generation, but of all time. Bioshock Infinite – The third game in the sensational Bioshock franchise; Bioshock Infinite was the first to venture away from the underwater city of Rapture, to the awe-inspiring, airborne Columbia. You control Booker DeWitt, a veteran scarred by his actions at the Battle of Wounded Knee, who’s enlisted to rescue the mysterious Elizabeth from the clutches of the religious zealot, Comstock. The plot deals with many complicated concepts, such as alternative dimensions, and delivers many twists and turns. The alternate history setting is fascinating and the visuals are gorgeous. But what makes Infinite truly stand out is Elizabeth. Arguably the best realised video game character of all time, her reactions to the world around her, and to Booker himself, make it impossible not to care for her. The new consoles have big shoes to fill… Author: DF Graphics: George Maddison

F*ck it, go to Cash Shop.

MASSIVE PRIZE GIVEAWAYS Keep an eye out for !GREAT DEALS!

www.thecashshop.net 0115 941 2783 1 Kings Walk, Nottingham, NG1 2AE 97 Just a short walk from Blue Bell

Food out on the Cheap..(ish)

Eating out can be expensive and often leaves a lot to be desired if you’re on a budget. The prospect of being disappointed after going somewhere new could put you off trying, or maybe you just can’t be bothered to waste time looking around for somewhere to eat. Either way, we’ve tested some restaurants for you, and these three are perfect if you’re counting your pennies this term.

Brown Betty’s If you’re looking for a change to the monotony of Wetherspoons and Tesco meal deals, then you’ll want to head over to Brown Betty’s on James Street. It’s a friendly, family-run business, which shows in the unusual take on opening hours“We’re open when we’re open!” If you’re lucky enough to get a seat in the tiny lunchtime deli, then eat-in and pick from the vast menu, which ranges from filled ciabattas, salads, pastas and curries all cooked fresh that day. Most of their filled ciabattas are under £5 and with over 50 to choose from you’ll struggle to decide. I recommend the Club Ciabatta - a full plate of turkey breast, warm bacon, salad, mayonnaise, black pepper and melted cheese, all for just a fiver. Be warned though, the portion sizes are unlike any other lunchtime stop in Nottingham Brown Betty’s is the place to go if you want quality, home-cooked food at student prices.

Barburrito

Barburrito is the latest chain to open a store in Nottingham. A Mexican fast food restaurant where you construct your perfect burrito, taco or nachos at the Subway-style food counter. The restaurant, which sits next to Pizza Express just off Market Square, rarely has a queue and has a cosy atmosphere that will make you want to keep re-filling your ‘bottomless soda’ for long after you’ve finished eating. Start by choosing your base, or a box if you don’t think you can handle the triple layer of carbohydrates. Then choose from the selection of rice, refried beans, meat, salsas and extras including mixed peppers, guacamole and sour cream. Even with all the extras, a side of nachos and a drink you’re unlikely to pay more than £10, and with 10% student discount on food and an appealing 30% off alcohol it’s definitely one to try out. I recommend going for the spicier options even if you’re not one for hot food, and order some nachos and salsa on the side. This is another quick stop-off where you’ll leave feeling you’ve eaten more than your money’s worth.

Hungry Pumpkin

Finally, the highly recommended Hungry Pumpkin sits just up from the Contemporary Museum on High Pavement, Lace Market. This tiny, hidden cafe is perfect for a breakfast or lunch for less than £5, serving home-made food that is far better than any chain restaurant in Nottingham. The staff are extremely friendly and welcoming, and will happily make you any sandwich or jacket potato combination you want, as long as the ingredients are on the menu. Their cooked breakfast, which includes: two sausages, bacon, eggs, toast, beans, mushrooms and a hash brown the size of a small plate, comes highly rated. The menu includes salads and baguettes, sandwiches and soups - what you would normally expect from any deli or cafe - but when a jacket potato with three huge toppings costs just £3.60 you’ll soon find yourself a regular there. Finish off with a speciality cup of tea, a coffee or a creamy milkshake and a slice of home-made cake. The Hungry Pumpkin is perfect for any hangover, serving the simple kind of food that you’re craving but can’t be bothered to make. And you certainly will not leave hungry, generous portions being the selling point for any meal out. Laura Reynolds

The Students Guide to...

Making a Pizza

It’s hard not to be tempted by the endless Dominos two-for-one offers and countless pizza takeaways, but the toll they take on our waistlines and student loans is something we all could do without. Thankfully, it’s one of the easiest fast foods to re-create at home, and as you don’t need to wait for this dough mixture to rise, you’ll have it in-front of you in less time than any takeaway delivery.

Ingredients: (makes enough for 4, or 2 very hungry people)

Dough

Tomato sauce

Toppings

300g strong bread ﬂour 1tsp instant yeast (from a sachet) 1tsp salt 1tbsp olive oil, plus a bit extra for drizzling

100ml passata (thick tomato sauce)

125g mozzarella ball Cherry tomatoes, halved

1 garlic clove, chopped Anything else you want 1tsp dried basil or mixed herbs

Method: 1. In a large bowl, mix togeth-

er the ﬂour, salt and yeast and make a well in the centre. Pour in 200ml warm water along with the olive oil. Mix together with a wooden spoon. It should be a fairly wet dough. Turn out onto a ﬂoured work surface and knead for 5 minutes. If you want a thin crust pizza you won’t need to let the dough rise, but if you want a thicker crust, place the dough into a clean, lightly-oiled bowl, cover, and leave in a warm place for a few hours.

2. To make the tomato sauce,

pour the passata into a saucepan with the garlic and herbs and cook on a low temperature for 15 minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

3. Pre-heat your oven to 240C/ fan 220C /gas 8. Place two baking sheets in the oven to heat up. 4. If you have left your dough

to rise, you will need to knock it back at this point, which means kneading it for a few minutes. If not, split the dough into two balls, and roll out on a ﬂoured surface with a rolling pin to the shape of the baking sheets in the oven. The thinner you roll it, the better it will cook.

5. Place the two rolled bases

onto pieces of baking paper. Top with the tomato sauce and your toppings of choice. Don’t add too many toppings though, or your pizza base won’t cook! 6. Take the hot baking sheets out of the oven, place the pizzas with the baking paper on top of them and put back into the oven for 8-10 minutes until crisp. Take out and enjoy!

Laura Reynolds

Uni2Try...

Capoeira Brazilian martial arts University gives you the opportunity to try all kinds of strange and diﬀerent sports. Over the next few issues Uni2 will be outlining some of the most interesting. First up, Mila Budeva talks Capoeira. Inspiration to do sport normally strikes after an unreasonable amount of food. It was at the bottom of another Ben and Jerry’s tub, that my friends and I found determination to get active, and took up Capoeira classes.

“Capoeira is a Brazilian martial art combining elements of dance and music.”

n in an joi c e n h o , whic “Any s p o h orks eira the w Capo y b he d avel t are le r t o h of rs, w adors s s maste a b ing as am tness i world W me. is the ga rformance e p ” their iring! p s n i truly

Created as an illegal fighting style by victims of the Portuguese slave trade, it was the 1930s before Mestre Bimba, a former coal miner, convinced the authorities to overturn the ban on the sport. Bimba then set up the first academy, formalising the game. Since then, Capoeira has become a symbol of Brazilian culture and of resistance to oppression. It is even considered an integral part of the cultural heritage of Brazil. Capoeira is not simply about mastering a combination of steps. It requires a lot of perseverance and is quite a workout, as my friends and I quickly discovered. The ﬂexibility and skills of the advanced students is amazing and so is their patience with complete beginners. Teachers come onto University Park campus twice a week, and there are also classes and workshops in the city centre for Trent Students.

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A regular class begins with warm-up exercises that stretch all your muscles (even those you never knew existed). The second part is about mastering balance, between the moves and the music, between communicating with and outplaying the opponent,

“Balance is the word that best describes Capoeira.” Movements ﬂow and complete each other in the rhythm of the music which sets the style of play, and the energy of the game. At the end of each session, all participants form a circle and sing the traditional song, which tells the story of Capoeira’s foundation. Capoeira is a gateway to another culture and its philosophy reﬂects this. It merges grace and strength, the physical and spiritual, and the connection between people. It is so much fun when shared with friends and a great opportunity to meet interesting people. Besides, a tub of Ben and Jerry’s is well deserved after a session of Capoeira.

A Damn Fine Cocktail: The Gin Edition

Gin isn’t a spirit that is often drunk by students. I think the reason is that people simply don’t know how to drink it. As gin generally has around 40% abv, drinking it neat is a rather unpleasant experience. The most common way of drinking gin is with tonic and while there’s nothing wrong with a G and T if there’s nothing else to hand, with a little effort, you can make a much more exciting drink. Before getting into recipes and ingredients though, delving into the history of gin shows why it is a favourite for bartenders and cocktail snobs alike. Like most origins of spirits and alcoholic drinks, there are several different stories about how gin was invented. It is thought that initially, gin started off as essentially a flavoured vodka in Holland, infusing

juniper berries and other botanicals in order to make it more enjoyable. It was originally used to treat medical ailments like gallstones, gout and stomach complaints. After gin was given to British sailors during the Thirty Years’ War, the calming effects of the spirit before battle gave birth to the phrase “Dutch courage”. When the soldiers returned to Britain with gin, its popularity began to spread, though the quality was poor and for a couple of centuries it was associated with the poverty stricken. After attempts at curbing the consumption of gin failed, reforms made the quality of the gin more refined, which led to a renaissance in the 1920s. London dry gin came into its own, crossed the Atlantic and became very popular; over 7000 cocktails were registered with the Bartenders’ Guild by 1951.

White Lady Cucumber Collins 40ml gin (50 if preferred) 25 ml sugar syrup (1:1 ratio, sugar to water) 25 lemon juice 6-8 cubes of cucumber, crushed.

But what gin cocktails are worth drinking? First, you should decide which kind of gin you want to use as the base. Personally, the brands I appreciate the most are Gordon’s gin and Bombay Sapphire, but if I have a bit of cash to blow, Hendrick’s gin has to be the top choice. Cocktail wise, the ones that I recommend below have simple flavours, yet taste really refreshing and are completely worth the extra effort. If you don’t own a cocktail kit, as I’ve said in past issues, I highly recommend you buy a cheap one off Amazon. These cocktails are some that I regularly make for myself and friends. They measurements of the alcohol/ mixer are my own personal preference, so feel free to adjust and play alcoholic chemist for your own taste buds.

40 ml gin 12.5 ml Cointreau 1 egg white 25 ml sugar syrup 25ml lemon juice Separate the egg white into the mixing glass and add all the other ingredients except the ice. Place the tin over the glass and carefully shake enough to mix the egg white with the rest of the ingredients. Then carefully break the seal, add ice to the glass and shake properly. Single strain into a glass of ice and serve up.

Fill the glass with ice, shake, single strain the shaken liquid into a glass of ice and top up with soda water.

The one gin cocktail that you should completely avoid (unless you drink neat spirit on a habitual basis and enjoy having your oesophagus ruined) would be a gin martini. Typically, this is made with just gin and vermouth. The gin martini actually outdates the vodka martini, though by the time the James Bond novels had been publicised, gin martinis were pretty much swept under the rug in favour of vodka, due to a Smirnoff advert that cleverly stated that vodka “left you breathless” owing to its ‘clean’ taste. Gin is a spirit that should be handled carefully, and when treated properly can result in some scrumptious afternoon and evening drinks. Whilst it may not be overwhelmingly popular amongst students, it is long overdue a resurgence. Interestingly though, the country gin is most popular in, isn’t actually the UK, or anywhere in Europe. Over half the gin consumption in the world is centred in the Philippines. Even still, I urge whoever is reading to try experimenting with gin. Do a quick Google search beforehand, though, as no one likes wasting alcohol on something that’s going to taste horrible. As always, drink responsibly. Alex Knight

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. . . y r t 2 i n U

e c n a D

From the moment you start University and attend fresher’s fair, you realise the scale of the amazing opportunities your university provides. It’s easy to forget that the city you’re in can also offer new, innovative opportunities. The Nottingham dance scene delivers this and more. It’s a community of students and locals of all abilities, enabling you to connect with new people who have the same passion and drive as you do.

To see the timetable of classes available, look on their Facebook: ‘Qmx StreetTeam’. Take1 Studios delivers teachers that can instruct, perform and compete just about anywhere. They specialise in House and Hip-hop with Willis Rose as their main choreographer. Classes are on a Thursday evening and Saturday midday, although there are plans to broaden the styles that are taught. Take1 videos are available to view on YouTube and you can check out their website: http://www.take1studios.co.uk.

The Nottingham dance scene is forever expanding. Whether you want to just experience the social aspect or if you’re serious about dance, there are loads of opportunities; local classes, workshops and events, or even participating in local and national jams. The dance scene is a world many don’t know about, and it’s been right under your nose the whole time, you’ve just got to know where to look.

Signature studios offer a whole range of styles, from belly dancing, to ballet, Hip-Hop, to popping. Signature hosts lots of different choreographers that can be hired by dance groups for rehearsals. There are always new styles and opportunities available, and classes take place almost every day, offering a great chance to train in a new style or perfect your own. For more information visit their Facebook: ‘Signature dance studios’.

Nottingham is filled with amazing studios based around the city. QMX Studios offers classes taught by award-winning professional choreographers from across the globe. They provide classes in street-dance for beginners, who want to perfect their style and build confidence. There is also a challenging, street-dance intermediate class, which helps prepare dancers for auditions and professional work. QMX also provide weekly popping classes for beginners that focus on the foundations of the style and technique, as well as breakdance lessons, which teach the four main elements of breaking.

Aside from these amazing classes, the Dogma jam sessions, which take place every Monday, 9pm-2am, perfectly capture the positive vibe of the Nottingham dance scene. All are welcome, whether you just want to watch, listen to some great DJ’s, train at the side or get involved in the cypher. The dancers involved come from right across the spectrum of styles. Even tap dancers have thrown down. So get involved, there’s lots on offer.

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Dance Events Whether dance is something you simply enjoy or admire, or something you live and breathe, Nottingham dance scene is providing you with big dance events and workshops to watch. There are one-off workshops with professional dancers from around the world, as well as upcoming local dance shows that showcase Nottingham talent. Here’s a couple upcoming events: The much anticipated ‘Unite the Scene’ returns to the Nottingham Arts Theatre soon. In its third successive year, the platform will bring together Nottingham's dance scene for a night of entertainment that you do not want to miss. The show features the work of a variety of schools, crews & companies from all areas of the community, as well as guest performances on both nights. The atmosphere is always electric and it’s variety of styles will suit all tastes. QMX studios are providing a one off workshop with ‘Holland StreetKingdom: UK Krump Tour’. It’s aimed at all levels, so don’t worry if you’ve never tried Krump before. Ques Zaalman, a worldwide pioneer of Krump, will be teaching the workshop. He is a part of the Badd Guy Company along with Tight Eyez, the founder of Krump. It’s a powerful, energy releasing style that will definitely test your stamina. It’s a great chance to learn from the best and it’s sure to be amazing. For more information check out their websites Kelly Whybrow

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San Cisco

YOUR NEW FAVOURITE BAND

SAN CISCO are an Australian, four-piece, indie pop band. Their self-titled debut album was released last year to rave reviews. With a huge fan base in their home country and a steadily increasing presence in the US, the band came to European shores to repeat these feats. They’ve spent the last year touring around the globe, and when I met lead singer Jordi Davieson and drummer Scarlett Stevens at the tail end of their tour, before their gig in Nottingham last month, they admitted to having “had enough of touring”. Not surprising considering they’ve only been home for “like, two months of this year”. For the band, whose members range from 18 to 21, this was “a big change”. They admit that, at ﬁrst, it was hard spending so much time together: “you just get bored and tired, and start provoking, looking for something to do”. Given they’ve known each other since childhood (Jordi and Scarlett since the age of 2), they knew how to annoy each other, but have now “learned how to live with each other”.

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as “full on”, before being doused in ‘petrol’ (“coloured water”) and set alight. While filming this video was “as painful as it looked” and they’ll “never do anything like that again”, they have no regrets over the experience: “It definitely opened our eyes to what it would be like to be on set, so much waiting around”. Despite the effort they put into their videos, they don’t read YouTube comments. Scarlett was particularly dismissive of commenters: “The kind of person who comments on a YouTube video has something wrong with them. You know, if you have the time to sit at your computer and troll the internet.”

They’ve toured the US and Europe multiple times, but as most of their time in a city is spent setting up for the gig, they don’t really leave the venue. While Scarlett told me that she wishes they could spend longer in each place, this is not in order to experience the nightlife: “When most of your job is playing in bars and nightclubs, you kind of look forward to going home”. Of the places they’ve visited, Jordi said that Brighton stood out as: “it’s a bit eerie, it reminded me a bit of, like, an abandoned theme park”. But his favourite place was the US. I suspect this is partly because, on that leg of the tour, they supported the Vaccines. This gave them a big “step up” in America: “We went back to America headlining, and did the same circuit again. Half of the crowds there, said they came because of the Vaccines tour.” Their eponymous debut album is extremely varied: from the trippy ‘Wild Things’, to the soothing ‘Beach’, through to the upbeat ‘Fred Astaire’. Scarlett says this wasn’t done on purpose: “Some of those songs we’d been playing for two years when the album was recorded. And you sorta change your tastes all the time, especially when you’re in the early stages of being a band, and you want to explore all genres. So I think the first album was always going to be a bit confused in that sense.” To accompany their fantastic album, San Cisco also have some entertaining music videos. The most notable of these is the terrifying video for ‘Wild Things’. This required both Jordi and Scarlett to be tied to a pole, a process which they described

let fame get to their heads. Throughout the interview, Jordi and Scarlett poked fun at each other. Scarlett jokingly declared that Jordi is the butt of all jokes because, “we’re all just really jealous of him”. Then, after she said if she could have an extra body part, she’d have “another boob”, Jordi spent the next minute dissuading her. “Your boobs give your back enough stress, never mind a third one. And you’d have too much weight on your front”. She then decided that no, she would not have another boob, but an eye on the back of her head “for security reasons”. Their downto-earth nature was also in evidence when Scarlett - trying to explain the question “What actor would play you in a movie?” to Jordi - stated: “So say we all died in a plane crash, and they wanted to make a biopic about us.” When I responded that I didn’t have anything that dark in mind, she said: “But why would they make a movie about us? Unless we all died and they want to celebrate our lives”, before assigning Jennifer Lawrence for herself and Zac Efron for Jordi (he was not pleased). San Cisco are a hidden gem, a great band that many won’t have heard off. Their first album, and the concert we attended, prove them to be an extremely talented group of musicians. Likeable, down-to-earth and fantastic to listen to, we wish them all the best… and we really hope they aren’t in a plane crash. DF

Having said this, she is clearly very appreciative of their fans, claiming that “whatever the crowd’s enjoying is my favourite song”, to play live. At their gig in Rescue Rooms, they played through a highly enjoyable set, with ‘Awkward’ and ‘Beach’ transfixing the crowd. But it was their final track ‘Fred Astaire’ which the audience most enjoyed. A brilliant song, which would get even the most timid person dancing. From their friendly conversation manner, it was clear that they haven’t

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WE WANT We Want You! YOUR DESIGN We want new designs for anEditors, excitingbloggers summer&festival! videographers fancy getting involved Think youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re up to the challenge? in the UKâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fastest growing student company? Send designs to the email below: EmailSimon@uni-2.co.uk Dan: daniel@uni2know.com 108

s l l e d O d n a Odells Tom Odell WOWs of talent Rock City On the eve of the ‘devastating’ St Jude storm, Tom Odell visited RockCity to perform a stellar set to a diverse crowd. We arrived late, and as soon as we stepped into the main room of RockCity, I realised that I had vastly underestimated Odell’s popularity. It was packed, quite literally to the rafters, as people were clambering up onto the railings to get a better view. Meanwhile, we perched on some steps towards the back. I’ve reviewed a few gigs for this magazine, all of which had been attended almost entirely by fourteen year old girls, so I was surprised to find an incredibly diverse crowd awaiting Odell’s appearance. This was highlighted when ‘Come on Eileen’ was played over the speakers, and I realised most of the people singing along around us, probably remembered when it was first released.

by Odell’s powerful rendition of ‘Long Way Down’. He finished his set by repeating ‘Grow old with me’, which was even better the second time around, before departing the stage. He returned to encore with some new songs and a couple covers and at one point, he ran along the stage to be closer to his fans. It was clear from this gig, that Odell is no one-hit wonder. His hit debut album was just the beginning. With music that appeals to all age groups and brilliant stage presence, he’ll go far.

Tom Odell came out, bang on time at 9pm, to rapturous applause and took his position on a raised platform at the centre of the stage. He started his set with the fantastic ‘Grow old with me’ which set the mood beautifully. One of the things that immediately stuck me about Odell, was that, for someone who spends the entire concert simply sat at his piano, he has great stage presence. This was helped by the sparse lighting and the bright white shirt he wore, contrasted with the dark clothes of his backing band. Throughout the show, Odell subtly played the crowd, at one point remarking that, due to the storm, “we may all have to sleep here tonight” and it was clear throughout that he enjoyed playing the gig. Odell has that indefinably something that holds your eye and, by the end of the concert, I had something of a man crush developing. From the screaming girls near the front of the stage, to the much older attendees towards the back, the crowd lapped up his set. Singing along to ‘Hold Me’ and then hushed

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7 Hip-Hop Artists To Keep An Eye On in 2014: Logic Notable tracks: “5AM”; “Nasty”; “Ballin” and “Walk on By”. After dropping his fourth mix tape with “Young Sinatra: Welcome to Forever”, the anticipation for his first studio album is rising. Logic is amongst the ‘new school’ that is rebirthing lyricism; with his clever wordplay and meaningful words, he manages to paint a picture with rhymes. This year, Logic supported Kid Cudi and Big Sean on tour, which brought him to the attention of a whole new group of fans. The Def Jam signee’s album is set to be released soon. He has stated that he has been working on it for a few years, to make sure it is the perfect debut album.

Ab-Soul Notable tracks: “Track Two”; “Illuminate”; “Terrorist Threats”; “Smoke Again” Soul is part of Kendrick Lamar’s Top Dawg Entertainment, under Interscope Records. Known for his infamous vocals, literal rhymes and interesting flows, the 26-year-old Cali native is slowly moving out of Lamar’s shadow. Fans, as well as the rest of the hip-hop culture (including Jay-Z, who has admitted to being a big fan), eagerly await his next project. His upcoming album Unit 6 is set to drop soon but, as of yet, has no official release date.

Joey Fatts Notable tracks: “Bricks”; “Choppa”, “Turn Up” and “Remy Martin”. If you enjoy listening to hard rap, reminiscent of classic, head-bumping, mean mugging Los Angeles music - Joey Fatts is for you. Fatts, as well as Aston Matthews and Vince Staples (another rapper to take note of) form a rap group named ‘Cutthroat Boyz’, who have been working closely with the A$AP Mob, specifically under Yamborghini Records; so success is a definite possibility.

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Travi$ Scott Notable Tracks: “Upper Echelon”, “Quintana”, “Uptown” and “Hell of a Night” Travis Scott is signed to Kanye West’s G.O.O.D Music’s production side, otherwise known as Very G.O.O.D Beats. Travis released his first solo project this year, entitled “Owl Pharaoh”, which shows just how quickly an artist can elevate themselves in the rap industry. Travis’ music features beats that could be played by themselves, they could run in a club just as an instrumental, they’re that good. With rapid drum fire and gun shots featuring on various beats, this music is definitely for those that like to feel as if they’re tripping. Although some songs sound similar, they don’t get boring; all beats are innovative and exemplify the complexity of mixing layers together to form one solo instrumental.

Rich Homie Quan Notable tracks: “Type of Way”; “My N***a”. After having one of the hip-hop hits of the summer with, “Type of Way”, Quan has established a firm status in the game. What may be evident when listening is that - vocally - Quan sounds similar to Future. However, Quan does not use auto tune, just his natural voice. Only recently, did Quan release a diss track to Future - obviously the comparison was not flattering. Another melodic rapper has appeared and yet another hit has been produced. So, we have a lot more to expect from this young, promising artist.

A$AP Nast Notable tracks: “Trillmatic”; “The Way It Go” and “Full Metal Jacket”. As a member of the well-renowned A$AP Mob, Nast proved his worth on the “Lord$ Never Worry” Mob tape, and continues to impress whenever the Mob drop into a radio station. The A$AP Mob incorporate various styles of music, but they tend to mainly mimic Southern music; whereas Nast’s skews towards classic New York East Coast rap which is preferred by many, as he is from Harlem, so he ‘should’ sound like that. It is unknown whether a solo project is on the horizon, but if the talk of another collective A$AP Mob mix tape pans out, Nast will definitely be featured on most tracks. Rocky and Ferg have had their time, so Nast may well be up next.

Isaiah Rashad Notable Tracks include: “I Shot you Down” and “Gusto” The Tennessee native has just joined one of the most powerful movements in hip-hop, Top Dawg Entertainment, alongside such rappers as Kendrick Lamar, Schoolboy Q, Jay Rock and Ab-Soul. His pen game mimics Lamar’s, with intellectual and innovative lyrics. Every bar Isaiah spits could catch a fan or intrigue another listener. Having gained a huge reception from the game already, the new TDE signee looks set to impress.

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l l u d r e v It’s ne in HHuowllnot to act

when visiting Uni mates

Meeting lots of new friends at university has not only been a fantastic experience, but it’s also given me the opportunity to venture out of Nottingham during the summer months, to visit my adopted family in their native hometowns. The first ‘exotic’ place I went to, was Hull (YORKSHIRE!). I got to see my flatmate’s family, her friends and their funny little northern quirks that I found so hilarious, strange and sometimes irritating when I first met her. Her family had heard a lot about me, and I had to make a good impression on them, as their treasured daughter was living with me for another year. I’m not sure I quite achieved that, the trip ended up being a bit of a disaster. Here’s some tips on how to avoid this catastrophe, hopefully you can learn from my mistakes:

Pace yourself Although the reason for your travels is probably a special occasion, try not to start celebrating by drinking alcohol straight away. It was my friend’s birthday, and the one glass of wine with my lunch seemed harmless, as did the one post lunch, and the celebratory glass of fizz with dinner, and the drinks while getting ready, then the official pre-drinks… it all adds up. And, trust me when I say, this isn’t a recipe for a good night out, it’s a recipe for destruction.

Drink Responsibly

If it’s a special occasion, there’s a high probability that there will be free booze available to you. Try and restrain yourself. If there’s free alcohol, students seem to react like panic buyers on the eve of a storm, and grab EVERYTHING. We managed to consume an entire litre bottle of vodka, a bottle of Corky’s, three bottles of wine, and two litres of cider between five of us. This resulted in two of the group being kicked out of the club (one was me), and one person taking part in some indecent activities in the smoking area (surprisingly, not me).

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Mingle with care By the end of first year, you’ve probably got through half the student population in Nottingham (or was that just me?) So good news: A new city means a new hunting ground. Lots of fit guys/girls for you to get to know, and the best thing is, you don’t have to worry that you’ve already slept with one of their ﬂatmates/ friends. But don’t get lulled into a false sense of security, you still need to be careful. Somehow, I managed to end up getting with my ﬂatmate’s family friend who, I found out in the morning, was two years younger than me and hadn’t kissed anybody before. Now every time I see her family, I’m the butt of their jokes.

Safety in numbers Being in a new club, in a new city, may give you the urge to explore. Make sure you stay with at least one friend, preferably a sensible one, at all times. My friends left me with the irresponsible, male, Geordie in our group, and when they eventually found me again, I was missing my bag (containing my purse, money and all of my I.D.) one of my shoes and said Geordie. He has no explanation for how this happened as he was too busy snogging the face off a local girl, in his typical style. I’ll probably stick with a more responsible friend next time.

Never leave alone This one may be obvious, but when you’re intoxicated, it probably won’t matter to you, that you’re in a strange city with nowhere to stay without your ﬂatmate. You may just decide that you’re bored and want to leave, or you may be so drunk that you get kicked out, I’m still not sure why I left that night. But what I do know, is that I found myself sat on the pavement outside the club, at only 12.00am (seriously pace yourself), vomiting, wearing only one shoe, and missing my bag. A kindly stranger was cycling past on his way home from work, and stopped to ask me how I was. Shockingly, he couldn’t get any sense out of me. So, as a kind gesture, he put me in a taxi to his house. Which I didn’t find out till I woke up in the morning, on a stranger’s sofa, in Hull. With a glass of water, a bucket, and a note next to me which said his name was ‘Simon’, and to ‘shout if you need anything’. Simon then came in with his middle-aged partner, clutching both of my shoes (one had miraculously reappeared), saying he had cleaned the sick off them. They then offered to take me for some breakfast, but I

had 14 missed calls and one voicemail from my very angry ﬂatmate, demanding that I get in contact immediately. I then had to pay £14.60 for a taxi (well my ﬂatmate had to), as I had ended up on the other side of the city, in a council estate with a rather bad reputation. Luckily, her family are legendary and found my escapades hilarious. But still, I wouldn’t suggest copying my actions. Other families might not find it as amusing. I have to reattempt the whole night again this year, so I just hope I can follow my own advice and avoid repeating the horror show of last year. But if not, I’m sure you’ll read about it here. Natalie Kelter

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Top Tips To Survive The Holidays (according to the movies)

Love it or loath it, Christmas, or ‘the holidays’ as we have to call it now (thanks America), is a dangerous time of year. Physically and emotionally it can, and probably will, ruin you. And your bank account. But never fear, there’s always a movie or two (or a gazillion as the case may be) that can help you on your way to survival. But to save you from sitting through a thousand hours of Tim Allen movies, here are the 8 dos and don’ts you need to know to get through this mineﬁeld of a holiday:

Don’t Visit the Family (4 Christmases)

2. Do Embrace the Christmas spirit (Christmas Carol, Wonderful Life, Grinch)

Christmas movies love showing us how face-meltingly awful families are; especially in-laws. No casual visit to old ma and pa back home will go smoothly, and you’ll almost certainly come down with a serious case of the ‘hijinks.’ While it normally ends up all okay in the end (it is crimbo after all), it’s all way too much effort. Clearly, the ﬁrst and most vital step towards surviving the holidays is to ignore the wretched outside world, lock yourself in your house and live the glorious hermit life till spring emerges to save us all.

Christmas is a needy holiday. It has to be loved. It needs to be loved. And if you don’t reciprocate its’ gushy affections…holy Jesus help you. Nothing will stop Christmas getting the peace and goodwill high it needs. Even if it means sending a hoard of temporally-inclined ghouls after an innocent (albeit miserly) old man because he, y’know, was a bit of a grumpy bugger. So learn from poor old Scrooge and just accept the Christmas spirit. It’s the easiest way to get to the New Year intact.

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3. Don’t Stay Home Alone (…I think you can figure this one out yourselves)

Do be friends with Zooey Deschanel (Elf)

If movies have taught us anything it’s that, if you’re aged 12 years or under and you’re in your house alone at Christmas time, Joe Pesci WILL turn up to break all your stuff. The solution is simple: hire a servant to stay with you at all times throughout the festive period. That or wangle yourself a friend or three. Either way, you’d best learn how to weaponise Hot Wheels and Lego. Just in case.

Zooey Deschanel is cool. She’s also kinda annoying. But as Will Ferrell found out in Elf she’s always down for a sing-a-long in the shower, and we should all be so lucky. The message of the ﬁlm boils down to ‘being friends with Zooey Deschanel means you’ll one day get to shake Santa’s pudgy hand and/or realise your true destiny.’ Frankly, is there any better way to survive the holidays than to befriend the big-daddy himself?

5. Don’t hang out with Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jingle All the Way)

6. Do be That Kid from Matilda (Miracle on 34th St)

Jingle All the Way is a ﬁlm with innumerable layers of nuance and depth. Ostensibly it’s just Arnie gurning his way through a weirdly racially insensitive, family friendly, Christmas ﬂick. But aren’t we really watching the workingman’s struggle against the society that damns him so? Aren’t we all, deep down, battling Sinbad for our own Turbo Man doll?

You know the one. She was randomly super-mega-famous in the early 90s then disappeared into the netherworld, appearing only to write Cracked articles about the horrors of childhood acting. Ah, Hollywood. Seriously though, not only did this child get to meet Santa, she got to save his jelly ass. The only thing better than being best buds with the big man, is to have him in your debt.

Well, either that or it’s a PSA against the seasonal dangers of all things Schwarzenegger. Seriously, all the dude has to do is buy a doll and he somehow ends up wrestling a team of crime-lord Santas. Truly, if you want to get through the holidays, stay well away from the Governator

“Christmas is more fun when there are German terrorist to murder.”

Don’t go to Finland (Rare Exports)

Ever wondered what Santa would be like if he was actually a part of a feral Scandinavian species of child-snatching murder beasties? No? Well, Rare Exports tells you anyway, and there’s literally no better warning against going to Finland. Ever.

Do Wear a White Vest (Die Hard)

P.S.

Die Hard teaches us that Christmas is more fun when there are German terrorists to murder. It also proves that there is no defence greater than the white vest. So if you truly want to survive the holiday season, there's only one thing to do: get yourself a white vest from your local Primark, pick up a couple of AK47s and welcome the new year with a raucous 'yipee-ki-yay motherfucker'.

Do you want to look cool 20 years ago? Do you want to kick Alan Rickman's ass? Do you want to live forever? Then you should probably wear a white vest.

Don’t be Brian (Life of Brian) Or better yet: don’t be born in general. If Christmas day is around the corner, just hang on in that cozy womb of yours and wait till one of those obscure days between Crimbo and New Years that kind of bleed into one long hangover. Poor Brian, he was never the Messiah…just a very naughty boy. Zack Fox

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The Best places to spend christmas Reykjavik, Iceland

The turkey, the tree, and the disappointment of another year which fails to deliver that blanket of snow fit for a white Christmas. The big day at home is all too familiar. With that in mind, you wouldn’t be blamed for wanting to ditch tradition and flee the nest for something a little more adventurous. The only question is where to go? Whether you’re after a Christmas in the sun or eager to explore the best of the European Christmas markets, we’ve got you covered:

If one destination will guarantee you that white Christmas, it’s Iceland. And if there’s one thing you must do there, it’s see the Northern Lights. There’s no better way to search the sky for Santa Claus, than doing so whilst underneath one of nature’s finest displays. Occurring only in the Arctic Circle, seeing the Northern Lights is guaranteed to be a magical experience, especially over Christmas time. Iceland also caters for the adventurer, so explore in style and go dog sledging. Only a forty minute drive from the capital city Reykjavik, the tour promises to show you the real Iceland whilst also providing an adrenaline rush powered by a team of Huskies pulling you through the snow.

San Juan, Puerto Rico If you’re fed up of the British chill and fancy Christmas in the sun, then Puerto Rico is the place to be. Though a small island, what it lacks in size it certainly makes up for in spirit. Christmas gets going in early December and lasts until Three Kings Day on January 6th, so expect plenty of parties, food and drink. On Christmas Eve, a huge feast is held followed by a Midnight Mass. Here, you can ditch the turkey dinner and embrace the vibrant local delicacy of salsa, spice-filled pastries known as pasteles, and spit-roasted pig. Then wash it down with a Coquito, a rum and coconut drink similar to eggnog.

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New York

New York at Christmas time is like a scene from a movie. Of course, hitting the shops is an essential way to start your holiday, so head to Fifth Avenue to do some last minute gift buying. Next, a trip to Central Park is a must. There you can ice skate at Wollman rink to the backdrop of the infamous New York sky line, or be chauffeured around the entire park in a horse drawn carriage complete with blankets. Finally, explore the reason that New York is called ‘the city that never sleeps’ by visiting Times Square in the early hours of the morning. Visiting Times Square on Christmas Eve is bound to be something special. Also be sure to find the enormous Christmas tree standing tall at the world famous Rockefeller Centre, with up to 30,000 lights glistening away in the winter sky.

Amsterdam The Dutch take Christmas well and truly by the horns. It all kicks off with Sinterklaas, their traditional holiday figure. Sinterklaas is a Dutch character with an uncanny resemblance to Santa Claus, who sails into Amsterdam every mid-November, bringing with him a parade of floats and festive traditions. He then takes to the streets on a white horse. His arrival often attracts up to 400,000 spectators who line the canals and are thrown cookies and sweets by his helpers. After you’ve become acquainted with Sinterklaas, next on the list is a visit to Amsterdam’s Christmas markets, renowned for being the place to find that perfect, one-of-a-kind gift. Head straight to the Albert Cuypstraat street market, one of the busiest in town, which holds a special winter market on a Sunday during the lead up to Christmas.

Bondi Beach, Australia

Who says Christmas need to be traditional? Swap the scarves for shades and head down under to Bondi Beach in Australia for a great festival vibe. Bondi is the complete antithesis to any British traditions for celebrating Christmas. It plays host to a festival called Sunburnt Christmas. With 4,000 party goers descending on the beach, you can rave all day to over 24 DJs and dance acts on a setting of sun, sand and sea. Artists this year include DJ Yoda, Ember, Nukewood, Helena, Johnny B, DJ Pooch, Social Hooliganz and many more. Georgia May-Collings

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Drinking Games from around the world...

Gelande Quaffing Gelande Quaﬃng was born almost thirty years ago, in the town of Jackson, Wyoming, USA. In 1986 the Jackson Hole Mountain Resort, one of the best known ski resorts in the US, was closed due to a 14 foot storm. Members of the Jackson Hole air force were waiting out the storm in the local Bear Claw Café, when the bartender slid a full mug of beer down the bar to his customer. The mug dropped off the end of the bar, and was caught before it hit the ground… and Gelande Quaffing was born. The game takes its name from Gelande Ski Jumping and requires good hand-eye coordination, quick reﬂexes and the ability to down a beer quickly.

To play the game you’ll need:

The rules are quite simple:

•A long slippery surface

•One player ‘pitches’ the beer from two feet behind the bar, while another player, the ‘quaffer’, stands at the opposite end and must pluck it out of the air and gulp it down. The quaffer must then run back round the bar to take a turn pitching. •The scoring system works by giving one point for a simple catch, two points for catching the beer by the handle and three for a skill catch (e.g. catching between your legs). •In a Gelande tournament, each game in the first three rounds lasts one minute, and the finals last two. •If anyone vomits, their team is disqualified.

•Two teams of four •Copious amounts of beer •And a lot of beer mugs (you’ll lose a few)

LISA ROSE ILLUSTRATIONV

The game is very popular in the US, and there have even been (unconfirmed) reports that Barack Obama and Joe Biden are regular quaffers and during the 2008 election campaign played a game against John McCain and Sarah Palin (the Republicans won, no one outdrinks Palin). In keeping with the American culture that spawned it, Gelande is a sport that involves lots of showing off and far more destruction than really necessary for a drinking games. It’s not for the fainthearted. Those who panic at the sight of a football heading in their general direction, cannot be trusted to catch a full mug of beer speeding towards them. But for those who like their drinking games challenging, fast-paced and a little bit dangerous; Gelande Quaffing is the game for you. PLEASE QUAFF RESPONSIBLY DF

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The Third (The K is Knipple silent) The 3rd Knipple was the precursor to Uni2Know. It started at the back of an incredibly important English lesson. Oh well! It’s not like you need English to run a magazine. This section will allow you a peek into our insular and daft world – in-jokes, irreverent articles and our attempt at wit, lie inside… Don’t think any less of us. Chunch. What the Fuck?

To recreate this absurd drink, you’ll need:

We’re not sure either. ‘It’ started one fateful night at a rather tame society party. There were few guests, low volume music and some awkward milling about, until the alcohol came out. The president produced a bubbling cauldron of liquid he referred to as ‘punch’. This concoction masked the taste of alcohol, which meant we drank copious amounts of it over the next few hours. The next morning, I remembered very little other than the beautiful taste of punch. Later that week an Ocean night descended, and we knew we had to recreate the punch masterpiece. Instead we created a monster, the punch’s evil step-brother; Chunder punch - Chunch for short.

1 Litre of Vodka 2 Bottles of Jaeger (or a ‘preferred’ brand) 1 Bottle of Caribbean Twist 2 Litres of Kick Energy 2 Litres of KA Black Grape That’s roughly 8 litres of liquid, so you’ll need a big container. A large mopping bucket or plant pot is perfect, along with a metal ladle (wood will corrode) to serve. These can be found for quite cheap and should last you a while. The concoction tastes great (ish). It masks the taste of the ridiculous amount of alcohol and, I guarantee you, after 2 hours of drinking this, you won’t need to buy any drinks in the club.

That first night of chunch drinking resulted in something monumental. We met a new friend. His name was Steve.

Steve-ing. What the Fuck? We’re not sure either. You’ve seen Planking, milking and owling, but you’ve never seen anything quite like Steve-ing. Steve was conceived on that fateful first night of Chunch. After drinking, let’s be honest, far more than any individual should, we were preparing to go out when I noticed some marker pens sitting on the side. The idea hit me: ‘we should draw a face on Joel’s (round and hairy) belly’. OF COURSE, why hadn’t I thought of this before? It was a tremendously crude design, with eyes, ears, a nose and a mouth

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placed over the belly button. At Rock City, we whipped his shirt up in front of the bouncer who declared (without missing a beat): “You’ll have to pay double for him”. In the club we showed Steve off to everyone – much to his drunken displeasure. Steve caused a real stir, and everyone who witnessed ‘him’ asked for a picture. It has become so popular, that Steve is now better known than the actual belly owner. Several people have already created their own Steve, and we want more people to get involved. So next time you’re on a night out, and you just happen to have a marker pen with you. You know what to do.

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