Uni2know Degree Edition Birmingham by Simon Jacobs

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Welcome SIMON JACOBS DIRECTOR

Hi there, as I’m going to graduate in a few months’ time (hopefully), this edition is themed as ‘The Degree’ in my honour. At my graduation I'm only allowed two tickets for my family, however I'm determined to make sure that thousands more people know of my brilliance and my ability to run a company and also complete a 'full time' course at university. I realise that this is all presumptuous, and I could very possibly end up not graduating, leaving me with all kinds of egg on my face. Oh well, at least the magazine is a corker. Enjoy the read and wish me luck!

DANIEL FINE HEAD EDITOR This marks the end of the second full year of Uni2Know, and my first year as head editor. I hope you’ll agree that we’ve come a long way since the first issue was released back in March 2012. This is the first edition to go beyond the city of Nottingham, expanding to both Birmingham and Leeds, the next step in our bid for world domination. Use this mag as an excuse to procrastinate from working (as if you needed one) and check out our website: www.uni-2.co.uk We’re hiring two editors at each city we distribute in, if you’re interested or just want to write email me at daniel@uni2know.com @DanielFine4 ANNA BROADBENT DEPUTY EDITOR Hello! So you’ve picked up a shiny new magazine, very possibly on the basis that it has been handed to you and is FREE. Well you’re in luck because this isn’t another crappy flier that goes straight from your hand to the bin. This is a top-notch independent student magazine, born and raised in Nottingham and brand new to Leeds. I’m the Leeds editor and an English lit student at Uni of. The wonderful writers and I have been immersing ourselves in all things Leeds (along with a couple of digressions…) to entertain and maybe even enlighten you about our home away from home. Reviews, interviews, guides and satire; we’ve got it all. Enjoy the read, and good luck for your exams! If you’re studying at Leeds and want to get involved email: anna@uni2know.com NED WILSON HEAD DESIGNER Welcome all you brummies and loiners (Leeds)! I got my degree in brum town myself, big up BCU and all that. Leeds, I love the jazz scene out there. This magazine…is it better than the last edition? Yes! Is it bigger than the last edition? No! It is exactly the same length, but we’re pros at cramming in masses of relevant, exciting culture, music and everything else studenty. If you’re interested in designing/illustrating or getting involved please let me know: designer@uni2know.com @WhimsyWoods

Contributors EDITORS

WRITERS

DESIGERS/ILLUSTRATION

Daniel Fine – Head Editor

Alex Knight Anna Bridgeman Ellen McHale Ellie Field Enya Quin-Jarvis Eve Thompson Gemma Brown Georgia Adderley Georgia-May Collings Imogen Ramsden Jennifer Lau Johnny Lawrence Kate Parker Katie Bird Lauren Eglen Luke Svarc Lydia Scott Malcolm Remedios Mila Budeva Natalie Kelter Nicola Gartenberg Olivia Jecel Oscar Berkhout Rachel Peacock Rod Ardehali Saphia Kharaz Suzi Collins Tania Brown

Ned Wilson - Head Designer whimsywoods.tumblr.com

Allie-May Redmond – Fashion and Beauty Editor Anna Broadbent – Leeds Editor Hannah Jackson – Birmingham Editor PHOTO-SHOOT Organised by: Allie-May Redmond Photographer: Neil Kates – keepingitneilphotography.com MODELS Anna Williams Jake Barker Jake Roome Laura Adamson, Mila Budeva

Emily Nuttall Pete Heyes peteheyes.tumblr.com Nick Walker knico.tumblr.com MEDIA TEAM Alex Esden Olivia Naismith Zac Pickin

Oli Saffell

Uni2Know needs YOU! Uni2Known magazine is always out scouting for new talent. It’s an exciting time at Uni2! We have an app on the way very shortly, our newly refurbished website is online and loads of job and work experience opportunities! Don’t hesitate to get in touch if you want to be involved. Contact: simon@uni2know.com

@uni2knowmagazine

facebook.com/Uni2Know

@Uni_2_Know

Music Interviews and Reviews Haim 7 Bombay Bicycle Club 10 Nick Mulvey 22 Mø 50 July Child 51 One Bomb 66 The Jezabels 78

Student Lifestyle and Culture

Only for students 14 Trash TV for guys and girls 18 The survival guide for student housing 29

Student Experiences

An idiot’s guide to recruitment days 8 Horrors of sexual escapades 16 Taking the plunge 33 The Graduate 40 Interning, is it worth it? 52

Columnists

The Graduate 40 The Inner Child 42 Aunty E 44

Birmingham

Where to take the parents 34 Guide to Birmingham nightlife 36 Digbeth Dining Club review 38

Fashion

Dress for Success 53 Photo-shoot 54 Girl Meets Dress 62 Hair and skincare 64 Add sparkle to your wardrobe 65

Sport

The UK’s own bodybuilding world champion 26 The worst hour of my week 27 Varsity around the UK 72

Satire

The Continuing Disappointment 46 Who the fuck is David Cameron? 48 Food and Drink How to make a damn fine cocktail 68 The science of hangovers 69

Entertainment

Inspiration day 74 Hidden gems of the PS3 and 360 era 76 Miranda 80 Horoscopes, jokes and riddles 82 The Third Knipple: The Uni2 mobile 83

HAIM Haim are a truly unique band, and just what the music industry has been missing. The three sisters from LA, recently embarked on a tour around UK and Ireland, playing at sold out venues around the country. The sisters who perform under their surname, Haim (pronounced ‘hime’ rhyming with ‘time’), grew up surrounded by music. Their parents formed an amateur covers band, and the whole family would perform for charity. The past 12 months have seen them play Glastonbury festival, earn a top ranking in BBC’s Sound of 2013 poll, play countless sellout shows, and sign with Jay Z’s Roc Nation management group. They’ve toured with Mumford & Sons and opened for Florence + the Machine, but the band are no overnight success, having played together for over 15 years and formed Haim six years ago. The three Haim sisters: Danielle, Alana and Este pride themselves on being multi-genre - mixing Californian soft rock, folk rock and R&B. Having such a unique sound with influences from different eras made for a live show like no other. Each of the sisters play at least two instruments, Danielle (lead guitar and vocals), Alana (rhythm guitar and

vocals) and Este (bass and vocals) proved that their musical talent infused with their seemingly perfect harmonies sets them as a definite ‘one to watch’ With centre-parted hair, skinny jeans and leather accessories, the Haim sisters looked the definition of rock ‘n’ roll cool, and their sexual stage presence and copious swearing made the fans go crazy. There is something effortless about their music and the scruffy-sexy trio are often compared to Fleetwood Mac and the catchy ‘Don’t Save Me’ had the sold out crowd dancing. The band’s excellence lies in songwriting, something which they have been doing since they were old enough to hold a guitar, their latest album ‘Days Are Gone’ reflects this beautifully. The band performed their recent cover of Beyoncé’s ‘XO’, putting their own twist on the song, as if it were written for them. To end the show the girls all took to the drums to play ‘Let Me Go’ ending the show with a literal ‘bang’. I was a fan of their most well-known songs before going to the gig, after seeing them live, I am now a full-fledged fan and would happily see them again in a heartbeat! Georgia Adderly

An Idiot’s Guide to Assessment Ellie Days BYField Alarm set for 6am? Check. Train ticket to London in bag? Check. Smart sufficiently-looks-likethey’ve-been-ironed clothes at the ready? Check. Right. What the hell do I do now?

I had no idea what to expect. However I did live to tell the tale, and didn’t cock up the exercises. (Too badly) So I thought a bit of insight might help a couple of you in my position.

Like many of you final years, I’m starting to wonder what on earth I’m going to do with my life after I graduate. This job malarkey sounds a bit like hard work but apparently getting one is the done thing, so I applied for a couple of graduate schemes. Much to my surprise, I managed to blag my way through the online applications and phone interview and was asked to attend an assessment day.

Bricking it. One of the best tips I was given was to get there a bit early (pretty obvious), and make fwends with some other candidates. Although there will always be the token arrogant twat, chances are that most of

8.45am:

the other people there will be feeling the same as you, and getting to know a few of them before the day began massively helped when it came to doing group tasks.

Nervous sweating just about under control. Assessment days inevitably involve baffling group tasks, in which no-one ever seems to know how to act. Completely taking over as leader more often than not turns out to be a risk. A better way of showing your tekkers is to assume the role of time-keeper, quality controller or some similar organisational role, without contradicting the “team-player” that you claimed to be on your application. However, don’t be afraid to speak up if you’re confident of your input - you want the team to do well, after all.

11am:

Free lunch? Winning! Rather than being that guy who uses lunch to read through extra notes and decide who to screw over in the next group task, relax and chat with the other candidates. Last year’s grad employees ate with us and they were on the lookout for people who would fit into the existing team.

1pm:

What do you mean, where do I see myself in five years?! Most assessment days will also involve some kind of individual interview. This will no doubt include some hideous, abstract questions about demonstrating examples of your leadership, team-work and initiative qualities, so prepare in advance with answers to wow them. Big up any example you can use, even stuff like

3pm:

being a prefect at school, or on uni society committees. Use it well and they lap it up. Another aspect - which is fairly self-explanatory - is to learn about the company: financial performance over the last few years, the company profile (ethos, number of employees etc.), acquisitions and other press releases, as well the challenges the business might face over the coming months or years. I managed to bag myself some kudos by knowing some details of an advertising campaign that no-one knew about, so that extra half-hour of research will give you the edge! Always ask them insightful questions at the end too! Done. Thank f*ck for that! It will be a long day, perhaps with some waiting around, but fill as much of this time as you can by chatting to other candidates, asking the staff interesting questions (and for God’s sake listen to the answers), and looking super enthusiastic. At the end of the day, thank them for their time and have a smile on your face rather than a yawn/grimace/tears.

5pm:

So, top tips to round this off: •Get on with the other candidates, you help them out and they’ll help you out. •Remember people’s names! Sounds obvious but a guy at my assessment day forgot the name of the woman who had just interviewed him (who happened to be the Head of Marketing) and it looked so bad. This goes both for staff and other candidates.

“Nervous sweating just about under control” •Appearance counts for a lot, and this applies to how you present yourself overall. Always better to dress too smart than too casual if you’re not sure about the dress code, and a confident smile gets you a long way even if you’re not feeling it. •Know you stuff, extra details will razzle dazzle ‘em. So all that remains is for me to confess is that the assessment day I went to was for the Graduate Development Programme at Fuller’s brewery, so it ended with beer-tasting in the pub… (Don’t worry, I put this together with the help of friends who have had banking, law and other days!) Granted not all assessments will have this kind of tone, but the most important thing is to not let nerves get the better of you. Don’t be intimidated, you’ve got to that stage because you’re good enough to be there so work it! Good luck! Hoping I get this job now…

Bombay Bicycle Club are a four-piece indie rock band. Formed in 2005 since then they have released four albums. During the tour to promote their newest album “So Long, See You Tomorrow” we sent Alex Esden to meet BBC’s drummer Suren de Saram; to get the story behind the bicycle club.

Uni2 Intervie

B ombay Bicycle Club

WHY BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB? When people actually hear why we’re called BBC they’re usually disappointed. It’s the name of a chain of Indian restaurants in London, and we needed a name for our first gig; so we thought we’d steal it. YOU SHOULD MAKE STORIES UP! We used to. Apparently there’s a painting called Bombay Bicycle Club, and it’s the name of a cult as well. We used to say we really loved the painting. HOW DID YOU MEET? We were all in the same class, and our head of year knew that we all played instruments, and asked us to play in a school assembly. And that’s how the band started. The assembly went really badly so I don’t know why we carried on, but luckily we did.

WHAT’S DIFFERENT ABOUT THE NEW ALBUM COMPARED TO THE PREVIOUS THREE? We hinted at the path we might take with the previous album ‘A Different Kind Of Fix’. A lot of people have been saying that this album is very different from the ones before but I’m not sure I see it that way. I think we hinted at the path we might take using samples, in songs like ‘Shuffle’. It’s more mood-based, more kind-of groovy as opposed to our choppier first album. This new album is taking this all to the next level. WHERE DO YOU GET THE SAMPLES FROM? Mainly from Jack fucking around on his computer. A lot of the album was written around the world. Jack did a lot of travelling, and one of the places he spent a lot of time in was Mumbai. He was doing a lot of record shopping there and we ended up sampling little

bits of those. There are some very obvious samples on the album. I’ve read some reviews saying it sounds like a group of students who’ve just returned from their gap year. THE INTERACTIVE VIDEO FOR “CARRY ME” WAS A VERY ORIGINAL IDEA. WHY DID YOU DO IT? I can’t remember whose idea it was, but an influence for the artwork of the album was this guy called Edward Muybridge, who was a pioneer in stop-motion photography. This whole idea of loops kept popping up and the album is one big loop because the first melody you hear is the same one you hear at the very end. We started looking at his work a lot and the video is kind of a continuation of that, in that you’re essentially the user who is animating us. It was a cool thing to do, but it was quite tedious to make because you had to do every shot with nine different frames - nine different times in a different position.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING ABOUT PLAYING COACHELLA? We’ve never done that before, and that’s actually part of a pretty mammoth US tour, it’s going to be the longest tour we’ve ever done. HOW LONG IS THAT? That’s six weeks. So hopefully we’ll still be speaking to each other. But I’m looking forward to Coachella in particular. WHAT’S THE CRAZIEST THING YOU’VE SEEN AT A GIG? One thing has always stuck in my memory, there must be crazier things but this one stuck. We did a few shows with Rae Morris - who’s supporting us tonight - on our last UK tour. She’s from Blackpool, so when we played in Blackpool, it was like her homecoming gig. Her dad, who’s like this total legend, like the funniest guy ever, he was so into our set that he just started crowd-surfing. I remember just looking out and there he was crowd-surfing. I found that very funny. HOW DOES PLAYING ABROAD COMPARED TO THE UK? We’ve just finished playing a European tour, and in general people are more polite, a bit less raucous - less drunk maybe. They both have their pros and

cons, but our set now is quite dynamic with some quite loud bits and other quieter moments. There are times when we want the crowd to shut up but also to be jumping up and having fun for the loud moments. I think we’re quite demanding in what we want from the crowd. But in general, it’s like the fifth day of the UK tour, and the other four have been pretty wild.

as possible. Play to whoever you can, take as many opportunities as you can. I think a lot of bands start and want to sign really quickly, and I don't think that ever leads to anything good. You’ve got to be patient and take your time. Without sounding too cheesy, find your sound and find yourselves. We gave ourselves time to grow. IF YOU COULD HAVE A NIGHT OUT WITH ANYONE, WHO WOULD IT BE?

GOOD RECEPTION? Yeah, definitely. The extreme though is Japan. They’re ridiculously polite. No noise, no movement when you play a song and then in-between the songs just a polite applause. It’s really bizarre. WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR FAVOURITE UK VENUE TO PLAY? Scottish gigs tend to be pretty wild. Glasgow the other night was pretty insane, then Aberdeen the night after. I find the further north you go the crazier people get.

Nelson Mandela, would be cool. Pretty obvious one I guess. IF YOU HAD A SUPER POWER WHAT WOULD IT BE? The ability to chat up any woman, because I’m shit at that sort of thing. IF YOU WEREN’T IN A BAND, WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING? I’m quite interested in Psychology. So maybe something to do with that. I don’t know how deep I would go, but maybe a counsellor or something. That would be cool.

WHAT WOULD YOUR ADVICE BE TO YOUNG BANDS TRYING TO MAKE IT?

AND FINALLY, WHAT ARE BBC’S PLANS FOR THE FUTURE?

We get this question a lot. I think it’s important to not make “making it” your primary aim. You’ve got to focus on the songs. You need to get out there and get yourself heard as much

Hopefully we’re just going to be touring this album for as long as possible. Then we’re doing Latitude, and I think that’s the only one I can say right now, but there are some others in the UK.

! n o o S g n i m o C pp -

Uni 2 A

UNI2 ARE GOING DIGITAL!

We’ve put all your favorite products and services into one, easy to use stylish app. Free from the app stores and available on both iOS and Android devices, the app allows you to access all our articles and incredible discounts; look for houses; meet new friends; and sync all of this into a simple and interactive calendar.

The Profile

Each user of the app with have a unique profile. This will display a picture along with your university, course and year. Your profile also houses the news feed, which will show you what your friends are up to; discounts they’ve used, events they are going to, and jobs they’ve applied for. You can join in with your connection’s activity; see a discount you like…add it to your calendar!

Calendar

The calendar will be your hub for everything ‘uni’. Allowing you to sync all your other calendars – be it for uni, phone or exams - together into one, easy to use and convenient portal. On the calendar you’ll also be able to check daily deals, events, open houses and much, much more.

Save

The Save category of the app will be populated with exclusive discounts from both local and national companies. Our extensive offers include money off entry into Oceana and Just the Tonic comedy club, discounts at clothing stores such as Ann Summers and deals for restaurants including Hooters, Bella Italia and Toby Carvery. You’ll be offered new discounts on a daily basis, which you can send onto friends.

Know

The Know section of the app will feature a live feed from our website. There you will be able to view more of our great content daily. It will contain loads of engaging articles detailing the quirkier aspects of student life, as well as more from our great columnists and music interviews with huge bands likes Rudimental and Bastille, as well as local and student bands. Articles will be uploaded daily, giving you something to do while pretending to listen to your morning lecture.

Rent

The Rent section will provide you with up to date and specific accommodation for your needs. Uni2 inspects all the landlords and properties that we let for, so only trusted properties will be advertised. Using your location, the app will only display available accommodation near you. It’s really simple to book a viewing, which you can add to the calendar so you won’t forget.

Work We’ve teamed up with the graduate recruitment site Milkround to bring you some incredible job opportunities. This section will list; part time, full time, internships, summer ajobs and graduate jobs. Simply look through the listings and apply, this makes finding a job during and after uni a really simply and easy process.

Only for Students!

You can’t act like this outside university.

“

Start experimenting, lower your standards and get a pedometer for the walk home.

”

The life of a student is not a sustainable one. Entire days are spent watching Jeremy Kyle followed by one too many Snakebites in an evening at the SU, there are a lot of things we students can do that we can’t once we join the real world. Who says going out three times a week isn’t normal? The lifestyle you embark on at campus is a far cry from your post-uni lifestyle, so here are some of the best things you can get away with now, that you should be taking full advantage of: BEING A BORDERLINE ALCOHOLIC

last time you didn’t feel tired or the last time you actually made a 9am.

You’ve found yourself on your third night out of the week and it’s not even Friday yet. Instead of keeping to your promise of writing “at least 500 words” of that ever looming assignment due next week, you’re on your umpteenth beer and the days and nights have all blurred into one. Before you can actually think about whether going out again is a good idea, you’ve been ordered to drink two fingers. Who keeps count of alcohol units anyway?

BEING LATE

BEING THE ‘EXHIBITIONIST’ AT SOCIAL EVENTS You’ve had a few drinks, you ‘know’ you’re hot, so why not share that with everyone else? Although girls may not appreciate the opposite sex pointing their scrotum at them, it’s usually pretty funny if it’s happening to a total stranger and all lads appreciate a female flashing their tits. You’ve got genitals, might as well show them.

STEALING ROAD SIGNS You were drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time? The holy grail for defending stupid actions, and the only answer you have after wake up cradling a traffic cone or finding a ‘House for Sale sign” slumped in the corner of your room. Every student house must feature some décor stolen from the streets.

SLEEPING AROUND Free condoms, free STI checks, free cinema tickets, you name it. With all this on offer to stop you from becoming a walking disease, university really is the time to sleep around. Start experimenting, lower your standards and get a pedometer for the walk home.

ABNORMAL SLEEPING PATTERNS 2am is considered an early night and getting up before midday is a miracle. The Life of a student is a nocturnal one where you can’t remember the

Everyone needs those extra 10/20/30/40 minutes in bed, until you finally realise, FUCK you’re late. After throwing on some clothes, plan your route from the door to where you’ll sit in the lecture theatre, preferably the nearest seat. Hold your head high, if you believe that you’ve done nothing wrong, then so will everyone else. In most cases, lecturers will simply shrug and carry on, shockingly this is unacceptable in post-uni life.

BINGE STREAMING Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Breaking Bad, Scrubs, Friends, The Vampire Diaries – you’ve seen them all. What started with just a few quick episodes before the library rapidly escalated to the entirety of series 3 and somehow it’s now 10pm. You’re not sure how it happened but it’s probably time to do something productive with your day or at least make some food before you settle down for yet more TV. Sadly, not all potential employers will be impressed that you can get the tea time teaser on Countdown correct.

PROCRASTINATION Got a full day of lectures or a 5,000 word essay? Well now is as good a time as any to do your weekly shop and perhaps tackle the mould that’s been festering in your lounge since you first moved in. Chances are you’ve opened your fridge more times than your textbook. The majority of uni work is done in the evil necessity that is the library all-nighter, where’ll you find yourself desperately downing Red Bull and sobbing into your keyboard.

ACTING LIKE A CHILD Everyone wants to be a kid again, but without the rules and regulations. This is basically the description of a student. Now is your prime opportunity to build pillow forts, buy nerf guns and antique each other in the showers

(for those of you who don’t know – this is when you attack your flat mates with flour in the shower). And if there is a bouncy castle up in the city, it’s not weird if a bunch of students pile in. But after you graduate, it’s a bunch of young professionals in a bouncy castle – not OK.

WEARING FANCY DRESS Fancy dress is fab, if you think differently then you are a terrible student. Shame on you! However, making fancy dress is not always a good idea, some people have the vision – others sadly do not. If you’re able to make a lobster costume from the detritus you have lying around the house, then you’re a pro (welcome to the club). For those of you who can’t, it is acceptable to look crap, it’s the thought that counts.

HAVING AN AWFUL DIET Far too often you’ll find yourself staring bleakly into your fridge hoping to find “nice food”. Instead you are confronted with half a jar of mayonnaise, stale milk and a half eaten courgette. Hardly appetising! Your diet is now a steady balance between Super Noodles, Coco pops (the supermarket branded stuff, mind) and greasy kebab bought from the night before.

DRINKING FROM BOWLS AND EATING FROM SAUCEPANS. You’ve gone to serve dinner, but of course you don’t have any clean plates. You are faced with two options, wash up or improvise. The latter always wins. Ignore that ever mounting pile of washing up and eat your pasta straight from the saucepan, you’ll clean your dirty plates tomorrow. Maybe.

GETTING FREE MCDONALDS We all know the deal, buy a meal then simply whip out your student card for a free burger or McFlurry. Amazing!

Olivia Naismith and Georgia-May Collings

I’M A STUDENT Get me out of here HORROR STORIES OF SEXUAL ESCAPADES So, you’ve done it. You’ve cracked the code and invited someone back to your place, and they’ve accepted. Well done! But, wait, your flat is a mess. What will they think when they see the bombsite that is your room? Why didn’t you tidy? I’m sure this is a familiar predicament to many of you, and although you managed to stop yourself getting laid, tidying your whole house isn’t something that’s going to happen any time soon. So we asked a guy and girl to recount some of their worst experiences when entering the realm of the opposite sex. Avoid these and you’ll be OK. What you really don’t want to see on entering a boy’s boudoir… The first time going round a boy’s house is daunting for anyone. “Will their flat mates like me?” “What if it’s awkward?!” are probably thoughts that will run through your mind. So what happens when all your nightmares come true and you enter the chamber of no return? Here are a few of the worst encounters I have experienced, that I shudder just thinking about. Firstly, and most recently, I entered the flat of a boy with a rather, ahem, excitable household. After getting over having bread and other food thrown at me, I then witnessed the most excitable of all the flat mates itch his bottom and pick his noseall whilst I tried to enjoy the meal cooked for me. And it only got worse as we later progressed to the bedroom and tried to end the night on a much more enjoyable note - whilst hearing the unnamed excitable flat mate bang on the door shouting ‘stick it in her arsehole’. I later found out that this particular flat mate has a girlfriend- (HOW?!). As you can imagine, I haven’t been back many times. Sadly, this awful episode is not the only gross incident I have also found myself in. Let me give you a piece of valuable advice; NEVER USE A BOY’S TOILET. Cleaning products aren’t at the top of their shopping list and when a communal bathroom is shared by 5+ nineteen year old lads, spring cleaning is not a priority. Think hairs - yes pubic hairs- on toilet seats, no toilet paper, odd brown marks on walls and overall disgustingness. I ran home and showered… for 30 minutes. But one of the worst has got be entering the room of a boy who seemingly forgot to throw away his empty condom wrappers. And it gets worse, past the wrappers were long blonde hairs on the pillow and the overall scent of girl- and not the perfume I was wearing. Boys, if you ask a girl round at least have some common sense and disguise your slutty ways. Tania Brown

I REALLY DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! I’d been gifted the chance to go back to a girl’s flat. (God knows what she saw in me) I was buzzing and trying to hold back the excitement. I got through the front door and was greeted by the entire contents of her flat. It’s fair to say it wasn’t good and it didn’t improve once I was in her bedroom either. Immediately I was hit by a funky smell - to this day I still can’t place what it was – but it wasn’t wholesome. That put me off straightaway, but being the persistent type that I am, I powered through. I was then presented with a difficult sight, I saw several pairs of ‘granny panties’ drying on the radiator. As a final nail in the coffin, I saw her enormous male flat mate staring me down, all of a sudden I felt very whimpish and wasn’t too sure about the activities that were soon to follow. I prevailed through these hurdles and moved on up to her bedroom, I am not pleased to tell you that it matched the rest of the house of horrors. For starters she had countless posters of people, bands and cartoons that would make any self-respecting twelve-year-old chunder. There were posters of One Direction, some weird cartoon horse, Enrique Iglesias and a few others I’ve repressed. After I had managed to pull my glare away from the posters I assessed the bed situation, it was pretty bleak. There were fucking teddies everywhere! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a human being, I know people like teddies, I do however draw the line at over ten. There was more stuffed animal than there was bed. They were all looking at me. The final few things all come under one category, manly products. I witnessed some male boxer shorts, I brushed them off, then I caught a glimpse of a used condom - at least she’s been safe. I then went for a quick piss and saw a large collection of used tampons – the final straw. Just when I thought I’d lost it, I came back into her bedroom and saw another guy in there. Joking! But it wouldn’t have shocked me. Simon Jacobs

Jim White or Sam Faiers?

Trash TV for guys and girls Student life is hard – we have to deal with dull lecturers, debt, and horrific hangovers. When it comes to our TV viewing, we want easy and uncomplicated - basically dolled up shit. Although we may all be in the same boat when it comes to procrastinating in front of the box, men and women stereotypically have very different ideas of the perfect time-wasting TV programme. In a mixed gender Uni house with one living room and one TV, this can be the cause of many arguments. Trash TV is a vital part of student life, but if you are completely outnumbered on the gender front, you will likely have little choice in what trash you’re watching. If you find yourself in this situation, this is what will likely be blaring out from the living room throughout the day, and what you can offer as an olive branch to allow you to join your housemates relaxing in front of some of the simplest entertainment, TV has to offer.

B OY S Now, it may seem like a fantasy myth to be the only man around the house, with four girls running to you either a) topless or b) in very small clothes, begging for your help changing a bulb, or fixing their shelves. But it’s not. There’s very rarely naked pillow fights and eating cookie dough from the tub. There is however a lot of horrified disgust over Celebrity Surgery Shockers, and endless reruns of Snog Mary Avoid. Some days you’ll hear blood-curdling

screaming coming from the lounge, don’t poke your head round the door, or you’ll be greeted by the miracle of birth in all its terror due to ‘One Born Every Minute’. After this you’ll struggle to think about sex for at least the next fortnight. But there is a middle ground to fight for. The idea of watching Made in Chelsea, or TOWiE may have repelled you in the past, but when the options are sitting in your room by yourself, or chilling with your housemates and mocking

the ridiculous people featured, you’ll soon give in. And before you know it you’ll be in balls deep, shouting at Louise or Fern for crying again and sobbing when Arg breaks Gemma’s heart. But when it all gets too much, and you start to feel yourself growing a vagina, why not suggest the nation’s most beloved dating show ‘Take Me Out’. There are 30 girls that you can play the ‘would I bang you’ game with, and comparing yourself to the idiots that come down the lift of love will only enhance your manliness.

GIR LS The solitary girl in the all-male house, is a much rarer situation. It maybe that she’s just one of those girls who ‘doesn’t have a lot of girls as friends’, or maybe her friends turned out to be bitches and got a house without her, forcing her to reluctantly turn to the guys in the group, who agreed to add her to the house out of pity. She’ll likely have to smile through the ‘banter’ thrown around about her mum and sisters and will probably spend the majority of her days cleaning up after the boys. The TV timetable in a male dominated house goes a little something like this –

football, rugby, football, Babe station, football. Basically if you don’t have a deep love of football, or are a lesbian, you are screwed. Watching rugby or football just to stare at the men in their shorts is totally acceptable. After a few months you may even find yourself cheering along with the boys or considering going into Ladbrokes to place a bet. However if this constant diet of sport, sport, and sports news is starting to make you resent everyone with a penis, it’s time to suggest an alternative. Dave (the TV channel) can be your saviour. Man vs Food will make you feel

miles better about the large Domino’s pizza, plus twisted dough balls, plus chicken strips, plus cookies you ate earlier, and Top Gear can be funny, if you can get past all the car jargon. Hopefully this will help you all to cohabit peacefully. And if not, get a Netflix account, some noise-cancelling headphones and go hide away from the shite TV your housemates love so much. Kate Parker

Pimp My Summer Ball For the past few months, 18 Univer sities across the UK have been competing in what has become the Biggest inter-UK Univer sity competition ever. The prize, put together by Club MT V and Lucozade Energy, is simple - a Pimped Summer Ball - the Ultimate End of Year par ty for the winning Univer sity.

The competition has been fierce with almost 7 million votes cast via Twitter, but today, we fi nally crowned a winner. CONGRATUL ATIONS to Teesside Univer sity. With over 2 million of the votes, the prize is definitely well deser ved!!

The date for this event has now been announced as Friday 30th May 2014. If you are lucky enough to be a Teesside student, get your tickets now, and get your selves prepared for an amazing day and night. We have loads planned, including a little feature from Tim Westwood

Don’t be disappointed if your uni didn’t win, as Club MT V and Lucozade Energy will still be coming to selected summer balls for a mini pimping experience.

As well as the usual big Club MT V soundtrack, we'll be bringing loads of giveaways, and a couple of special surprises. Here's some of the Unis we'll be attending,

09.05.14 - ABERYSTWYTH UNI 16.05.14 - HERTFORDSHIRE UNI 31.05.14 - BATH UNI 04.06.14 - KEELE UNI 07.06.14 - ESSEX UNI 07.06.14 - KENT UNI 13.06.14 - CARDIFF UNI 14.06.14 - READING UNI 20.06.14 - LOUGHBOROUGH UNI 22.06.14 - WARWICK UNI

There'll be nounced in

more to be anthe coming weeks.

Once again, on behalf of ever yone at MT V and Lucozade, we would like to thank all the Unis for taking par t, and each and ever y one of you that voted!! Keep an eye on Facebook and Twitter for all the latest videos and p hotos from the campaign.

Uni2 Meet

NICK MULVEY

Nick Mulvey is an English singer – songwriter. Originally part of the band ‘Portico Quartet’, Nick has gone solo. He has released two EPs and multiple singles which have been played on Radio One. With an album on the way, Uni2 had a quick chat with Nick, to get the lowdown

When did you first start playing music? I’ve been playing music all my life. I grew up in a musical family, my mum was a professional singer and my dad used to play a lot of guitar around the house. Then as a teenager, I became interested in different instruments and began playing in bands.

You studied music in Cuba, how was that, what was the course like? Yeah, it was a phenomenal experience. I studied for 6 months at The Institute of Higher Art in Havana at 18 years old. It was difficult, because I had never been a formal student of my instrument, I’d just played it for fun but they are very serious over there. But there were people my age from all across the world, and we’d just play music every night. It was so much fun.

You studied ethnomusicology in London at SOAS, how did that influence your music? The course was just perfectly suited for me as I was really interested in different sounds from across the world. It was the most flexible path I could have taken as a young musician, because I was learning about music from different centuries, continents and cultures.

How has that influenced your music? It exposed me to lots of different sounds and I started to absorb influences from Islamic, African, Brazilian and Cuban music. On a deeper level, it really impressed upon me that every music utterance is full of meaning.

What did you learn being part of the band ‘Portico Quartet’ and why did you leave? I could talk about the band all day. Being in a band is like a

four way marriage and it was an insane amount of fun. We started really innocently, and didn’t realise we were a band until we got booked for a festival in Italy. We then got interest from the music industry and met with labels, so I learnt a lot about being a professional musician.

I hear you had a ‘sink or swim moment’ on a beach in Honduras, can you tell us a bit about that? In Portico Quartet I was playing a new instrument called the Hang (a kind of drum), which was great for a couple of years, but after being in the band for five years I wanted to return to the guitar. I was on holiday in Central America and I knew I wanted to leave the band, but I hadn’t decided if I had the courage to go solo. That night on the beach, I decided to perform some half-finished songs in front of a crowd of people, and it went really well. I realised that it was confidence I was missing and that I had pretty much a whole album ready to go.

You recently released your new single ‘Cucurucu’, what’s the song about? The song is essentially an adaptation of a poem by D.H Lawrence called Piano. Which is a poem I’ve loved for a long time and wanted to turn into music, and eventually it became ‘Cucurucu’.

Segway, Pogo Stick, Space Hopper? Space hopper! Segway’s are stupid and pogo sticks are really hard.

If there was a film about your life who would play you and what genre would it be? I think Jonny Depp would play me in a suspense thriller.

What are your plans for the next few months? Is that the album you have been working on then? Yeah. Eventually, two years later, that became my album ‘First Mind’. Which comes out May 12th.

I’ll be touring and I’m also looking forward to the album release. I’m in the process of putting a band together, so that’s the main thing. By the time I get into the festival circuit this summer I’ll have a full band around me. Daniel Fine and Olivia Naismith

You’ve released two EP’s now and some singles that have been played on Radio 1. How did you feel about the reaction to them? I was very excited to release ‘Fever to the Form’ and get feedback from the public. It was taken to heart by a lot of people, I was really touched because that song meant a lot to me. It’s about leaving the band and it says a lot about how I feel about music and life. It was a very significant moment for me.

I understand you’ve been jetting off to Thailand and you’re going to Europe later today, is that part of a tour? Yeah my European tour starts today. It’s two weeks around Europe in different cities through France, Belgium, Holland and Germany. Then I return to the UK and I’ve got a days rest before I head off for two weeks around the UK.

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OLIVER SCOTT Can he lift it? YES HE CAN!

Miami Pro is a fitness modelling competition that’s been defined as a new breed of bodybuilding, that’s a bit less intense than what bodybuilding used to be. It has quickly become one of the most popular competitions with over 300 competitors, and the UK boasts its very own world champion, in the form of the Nottingham born, Oliver Scott. When I met Oliver a few weeks ago and asked him when he started bodybuilding, he replied that he’d “always been to the gym” starting before he hit 16, and had always trained since then: “I’ve only had about a week off in the whole time”. It seems that bodybuilding was something that he started quite naturally, rather than being a specific decision, however it was only in 2012 that he started entering competitions, coming fifth in Miami Pro: “After that I was a little bit more dedicated and I thought I really want to do well, and I managed to win the year after.” I asked Oliver if he was shocked when he won and he replied that while he was “slightly surprised and pleased” he had been confident beforehand: “You create your own fate in these things, and I had good feedback going into the competition.” The Miami Pro event takes place over a day with several different classes for both sexes. Oliver’s victory came in the male fitness category, which is the largest class with around 70 competitors. Competitors must strike soft poses in a relaxed manner: “Open hands, no clenching. Like you’d see on the front cover of a magazine”, rather than the stereotypical image of bodybuilders. The athletes first pose in swimwear before donning theme wear - fancy dress. According to Oliver this gives the competition more spectator appeal: “That’s what fuels the sport, getting the spectators in”. The models are then judged by a panel of professional models. Maintaining a bodybuilder’s physique requires a huge amount of dedication. Oliver stated that “90%” of it comes down to diet, which is based on a limited amount of carbs, a lot of veg and protein, he also stressed the importance of eating at the right time. “Eat something easy to digest in the morning, some Vitamin C, I usually have half a grapefruit, egg whites, a piece of brown bread”, and eating something high in protein in the evening. Oliver also adheres to a very strict exercise regime of around one hour a day in the gym which he describes as “very intense” and “eye-watering”. “You focus on individual body parts. When you’re going for aesthetics the aim is to fill your muscle with as much blood as possible, that’s what creates the look”. Despite this rigorous training schedule, Oliver would not define himself as a professional bodybuilder. “I’d say to define yourself as a professional athlete, you need to be earning what you would consider to be a wage. Are you living off that solely?” Although this is isn’t the case at the minute, he said that it could be within the next few years. Oliver offered some advice to those attempting to bulk up: “It’s very very simple, there’s no quick route to doing it. The main things are eating whole foods, don’t be lazy, get to the gym, it’s just simply monotonously going over and over and over, and just being dedicated to it.” Oliver’s new personal training website lifestyledynasty.com is launching soon and will offer supplements, gym wear and more from leading companies. You can also find them on Facebook under Life Style Dynasty. Daniel Fine

r U N N I N G

THE WORST HOUR OF MY WEEK -

Peer pressure can force you to make some bad decisions. The ‘hobby’ I took up under the strong influence of a housemate is not unhealthy at all. However, it puts me in great emotional distress and makes me regret my choice every single week. Running. My housemate would go for a run full of enthusiasm and would return energised and satisfied by his new record. He managed to convince me it was great fun and was just a little effort that paid off tenfold. And I fell for it.

We went for a run together. It was great! The wind was playing with my hair, my feet were barely touching the ground, and I felt like I could run for days. This refreshing sensation lasted less than a couple of minutes. Then reality stormed in. I experienced the literal meaning of being out of breath. My arse went south and I felt the weight of my dietary mistakes. While struggling with the severe lack of oxygen and bitterly regretting the pancakes I had for breakfast, I was also trying to keep up appearances. My friend, participant in several marathons, was trotting beside me gracefully, not a drop of sweat on his face. When we finally reached the park all hell broke loose. The sound of my breathing suggested the need for an experienced exorcist. My head was throbbing; my legs felt numb, even my ears were sweating. My embarrassment grew as other runners overtook me. They were simply more experienced than me my friend reassured me. He had almost convinced me when I heard the pitter-patter of small steps catching up with me. A moment later I was overtaken by a toddler. Absolute humiliation added to the physical discomfort. No air, strength, and dignity, I decided to stop. I lay on the closest bench and moaned. As my friend was trying to lift my spirits an elderly man walked past, looked straight at me and shook his head in disapproval. At this point, I probably should have given up on running, but I did not. My breathing, distance, and time have improved significantly and I now feel great respect for all the people who have chosen to maintain a healthy and active lifestyle. I realise what great dedication it requires. But I still hate running. It is still the most dreaded hour of my week, even worse than sitting an exam. Every time I go for a run I wonder why I choose to do this to myself. Maybe I will find the answers on my next run… but I doubt it. Mila Budeva

A Survival Guide to Student Housing Student housing is hardly known for being the pinnacle of luxury living. In most cases, your house is an absolute tip, falling apart at the seams, and your landlord frankly couldn’t care less. Fear not though, with this guide you can get down to some DIY and fix any house glitches yourself.

1.) Fill in the house inventory Most agencies and landlords should provide this and it must be filled in on first day of your tenancy. Note down and get photographic evidence of any damage you see when you move in to save having to fork out at the end of the year.

2.) Have a tool kit We’re not talking a builder’s 36 piece tool kit, but a little hammer, maybe a screwdriver will come in handy when you least expect it. In fact, keep any kind of implement handy, sellotape, string, Blu-Tack or superglue, anything that will hold something together for a temporary fix. If it can keep the problem at bay until the maintenance man comes over, then it’ll do.

3.) Know how to change a light bulb Come on guys, it’s not rocket science, I promise. First make sure you have turned off the power and allowed the bulb to cool before touching it. Then, take the bulb out of the socket by pushing upwards gently and turning anticlockwise until it is released from the socket. Finally, insert a replacement bulb lightly but firmly into the socket and Bob’s your uncle.

4.) Getting rid of mould A grim one that unfortunately a lot of students are faced with. There is no quick fix guide to this. The only thing you should do here is pester the life out of your landlord to get rid of it. I’ve heard horror stories of students having to throw away clothing as the mould has spread so badly, do not allow this to happen, contact your landlord ASAP!

5.) Make a bin rota Long gone are the days of halls of residence where a cleaner would come once a week to deal with the ever-growing pile of rubbish in the kitchen. With a house, you’re on your own, which you’ll probably only realise after the bins haven’t been taken out for a good week and the mountain of waste is steadily piling its way up to the ceiling. To avoid this and to make it fair, a bin rota is a good way to keep on top of the rubbish. Two people are assigned a week and it’s their duty to maintain tidy bins.

6.) Be creative As a student chances are you’re not a DIY expert so get a little creative and improvise. In my first year at halls we were not given blinds for the bedrooms of our ground floor flat (great logic) so I invested in a plain net curtain, cheap as chips from Wilkinson’s. As I went to put it up, I discovered I did not have a rail. Instead, I used two hangers to attach my net curtain and hooked this on the rail of my curtain.

7.) Blocked drains If you share a bathroom with girls, at some point you’ll inevitably be greeted by the sight of hair round the plughole. Eventually this will build up till every shower results in an almighty flood. A plumber or landlord will not do anything about this, so it’s down to you to head to the supermarket and get some drain un-blocker. At around £3-5 a bottle you can split this very cheaply between your housemates. Simply pour the solution down the plughole, leave overnight, and then before showering in the morning, pour boiling hot water down the plug.

8.) Befriend your neighbours Neighbours can be your best friend or your worst enemy. If you avoid having mental house parties that go on until 7am, chances are they won’t mind helping you if you ever have a house issue. In the words of Outkast “lend me some sugar, I am your neighbour”. Living next door to locals instead of students can be a real reassurance, especially if you still can’t grasp how to change that light bulb.

9.) Tester pots Chances are you’ve decorated your bedroom and plastered photos all over your walls, not realising the damage Blu-Tack does until it’s time to move out and the paintwork has peeled off. You can remove any evidence by buying a magnolia (uni houses are always magnolia) paint test pot for something silly like a £1 and paint over any patches.

10.) Emergency contact numbers It’s probably an obvious one to end on, but having your landlord/letting agency’s number is essential when problems occur. Not to mention having the code to the burglar and fire alarm because trying to figure out how to switch them off at 3am without the code is not fun - trust me. Georgia-May Collings

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How To Make A Damn Jãgermeister Fine Cocktail THE

EDITION

Jägermeister is an herbal liqueur that’s unanimous with shots, Jägerbombs and sweaty, student-filled clubs and bars. It’s got a strong reputation within the rock/metal community, even having songs written about it (check out “Jägermeister Love Song” by Psychostick). But many don’t know that it’s also very good to mix in cocktails, when done right of course. The full recipe of Jägermeister is a secret, reportedly not having changed at all in 80 years. The business that created Jäger was originally a vinegar and wine company, founded in 1878 by Wilhelm Mast. When Mast’s son joined the fledgling company in the early 1930s, he set it upon himself to create an herbal liquor that would help the company. At that time, the town in which Jäger was first created (Wolfenbüttel) was very popular with the Nazi party, with Hermann Göring supposedly knowing the founder of Jäger. When the Nazis came to power, Göring created laws that allowed regional Jägermeister (or “Masters of the Hunt”) to operate throughout the country. Seeing a perfect way of marketing the drink, since the Jägermeister (the men) used to gather for expensive parties, Mast decided to name the drink after them, and gave the bottle a gothic typeface. The label features a reference to the Christian patron saints of hunters, Saint Eustace and Saint Hubertus, who were supposedly prompted to convert to Christianity after witnessing a vision of a stag with a Christian cross between its antlers. This image has been used as the symbol for Jägermeister for almost eighty years. After the war, the British forgave Mast his Nazi background, and Jägermeister continued with some popularity, although it gained a reputation for being an old man’s drink. That is, until American publicist Sidney Frank, bought batches of the liqueur in 1974, attached saleswomen wearing skimpy outfits to the brand and started sponsoring rock shows. This sales tactic was tremendously effective and - in 2012 - around 4.4 million litres of Jäger were consumed in the UK alone. Only Jack Daniels and Smirnoff Red Vodka sell more. Eventually the spirit made its way back to bars, and with the recent creation of energy drinks as a spring board, Jägerbombs have become a runaway success. Jägerbombs are usually drunk quickly and in excess, which is an image Jägermeister have tried to distance themselves. Adverts for the spirit stress authenticity and sharing memories - not something you likely associate Jäger with.

DAGGER MAESTRO: 50ml Jägermeister 75ml Cranberry juice 25 lemon juice 25 ml sugar 2 strawberries, crushed 2 blackberries, crushed 3 mint leaves

Put all the liquid ingredients into a mixing glass, fill with ice and shake vigorously. Crush the strawberries and the blackberries in the glass, clap the mint (put in your palm and clap on the mint) and pour the mixture.

A JÄGER DELIGHT: 50ml Jägermeister 75ml pineapple juice Top up with lemonade

This one is simple, yet just really nice to sip at the end of a long day. You can shake it up if you’d like, but it’s not really necessary as long as there’s ice involved, but it would be better to mix it all in.

Jägermeister is one of those brands that makes little sense; its bottle hasn’t been updated for decades and it’s an herbal liqueur in a market dominated by rum, vodka and whiskey. Herbal liqueurs had more or less been considered a niche market (and in many respects, it still is). Though its branding is everywhere on everything, especially at festivals. I myself own a flag and several bandanas - yet you can also buy toasters, bed linen and more. Jägermeister has clearly come a long way from its beginnings in a small town in Germany. From club nights to festivals, with energy drink or neat and chilled, it’s likely to be a popular choice for a good few years to come. Alex Knight

e g n u l P Taking the

Bungee Jumping

Last A pril , my boyf r i e n d g ave me a n ' E xperi en c e Day f o r Two' w i t h t he choi ce of thr ee a ct iv it ies ; zo r b i n g , Se g w ay to u r s o r b ungee j ump i ng. Unwr a p p i ng i t , my eyes f licke d over t h e a c t i v i t i e s a n d a n “o o t ha n k you” ca me out a s I i ma gi ned hur tl i ng d own a hi l l i n a zo rb ball. M u ch to my d i sm ay, my b oy f r i e n d l a ughed a nd tol d me tha t we wer e goi ng b ungee jumping. Af ter pu t t in g off b o o k i n g f o r a b o u t f o u r m o nths, I f i na l l y d eci d ed to ta ke the p l unge. I r a ng up UK Bunge e Clu b - vou ch er in h a n d . I w a s to l d t ha t , a s i t w a s comi ng to the end of the yea r, i t wa s a l r ea d y q ui te b oo ke d up. I crossed my fingers and hoped there wouldn't be any more places available… Then he said: “Oh wait , we have a slo t av a il a bl e t h is Su n d ay i n B i r m i n g ha m . ” G r e a t , so i n f our d ays I wa s goi ng to thr ow mysel f of f a 160ft c rane .

THE DAY On the morning of the bungee jump I woke up a bundle of nerves, eating was out of the question. My breakfast consisted of one spoonful of Weetabix before I felt too sick to eat anymore. Lunch was much the same - the sick feeling in my stomach would not go away.

that are fastened extremely tightly around your angles. With only about 10cm between them, it meant I either had to waddle or jump two footed towards the cage – all dignity out the window. A harness was then put round my waist which was attached to the backup bungee cord.

As we pulled up to Tamworth Water-ski Centre amongst the beautiful lakes and scenery, all I could look at was the giant crane. That was the first time of many that I said, “I can't do this.” At the check in tent, we saw loads of really excited couples and families waiting to do the bungee jump. My emotions and my boyfriend’s went the complete opposite way; his excitement grew as did my dread and fear.

THE JUMP

Being practically pushed in to the tent, I reluctantly signed the form and read the safety brief. I stood on the weighing scales so they could determine which bungee cord would be the most suitable for me. We walked out of the tent and sat down with the other eight people allocated for that time. The first person had their ankle straps put on and the bungee cord attached, before getting into the cage and being hoisted up. After watched eight other people jump my nerves had slightly settled, as each person came down with smiles on their faces ecstatically expressing how good it was. My ankle straps were put on. They are essentially material handcuffs

The journey up was tense. The cage lifted off the ground and I knew there was no going back. I needed reassuring so I asked the two staff members, “Have you done this before?” hoping they'd tell me how much they loved it. The response was: “No way. It looks terrifying.” Not the answer I was looking for. The crane slowly lifted the cage and I said to myself, “Don't look down.” We got to the top and I instantly looked down. People looked like ants, and trees were the size of toothpicks. I was absolutely terrified. The little door in the cage opened and I could feel the cage rocking in the wind as I moved to the edge. I was asked to stand with my toes over the edge and hold onto either side. My face drained of colour, and I felt myself gulp as the realisation of what I was about to do kicked in. I was told that they would count down from three and then I had to jump but nothing in my body was telling me that purposefully throwing myself off a 160ft crane was a good idea.

I heard “three, two, one, bungee” and amazingly I did it! It's incredible how fast I fell. Before I knew it the ground was a lot closer than it was three seconds ago. I could feel my heart racing until the bungee cord kicked in and the ground receded again as I bounced back up. Screaming as I fell the second time, I found that it was a bit slower and more enjoyable this time. Bungee jumping is definitely a once in a lifetime experience and although it's probably the most terrifying thing I've ever done, it's also one of the most exhilarating. Gemma Brown

Where to take the Parents

Now that you’ve settled nicely into student life, it’s about time all that freedom and independence was snatched back off you with the arrival of the visiting parents. Having been away for several months in a big new city, they will expect you to be an expert in the cultural activities Birmingham has to offer. And you probably are (if cultural means puking up your cheesy chips outside Snobs and wondering what you did to deserve this). But never fear young students, I have complied a list of folk-friendly destinations across the city which will appease the parents and are also interesting enough not to bore you to death. Without a doubt Birmingham’s most iconic building. Boasting more than 160 shops over three shopping levels, including high street favourites and designer boutiques, you could easily spend a whole day trawling through all the different stores. If you’re from a small town like me, you and your parents will relish the feeling of being utterly spoilt for choice. After working up an appetite shopping, convince your parents to treat your skint, student self to lunch at one of the fantastic restaurants in the food quarter section of the shopping centre. While there, you must have a family photograph alongside the Bullring Bull - the 7 foot 3 inch tall bronze statue of a turning bull that stands at the front of the shopping centre. Sure it’s cliché and touristy but it will put a smile on your ‘rents faces and will be a nice little memento for them to take back home (aww).

THE BULLRING THE MAILBOX is perfect for those looking for a little luxury in the city. The historic building is home to high-end fashion chains such as Emporio Armani and Harvey Nichols and boasts a wide variety of dining choices, from Italian to Thai and other international delicacies. The Mailbox also houses the BBC Birmingham studios, so who knows, maybe you could spot a few famous faces sipping champers in one of the exquisite bars housed in and around The Mailbox.

This gorgeous art deco cinema is a must see for film fans. Opening in 1909 the venue has been entertaining movie patrons for over a century and is the oldest working cinema in the UK. Showcasing a “relaxed, grown up cinema environment”, THE ELECTRIC provides something a little different than just popping down to the ODEON and having your feet stick to the carpet. Unique and classy, ideal if you and your parents love a movie night together but fancy experiencing something new. Playing a mix of current blockbuster hits and timeless cinematic classics. The Electric is bound to have something to please your parents.

The new Library only recently opened its doors to us book lovers. Upon opening in September last year, it seems to have attracted more tourists from around the West Midlands than those actually looking for a book, source or collection to study.

LIBRARY OF BIRMINGHAM

The modern architecture really makes it stand out in the newly formed Birmingham skyline and amazing 360 degree views make it a great place to take your parents during the day or in the evening, especially if they’ve never been to the city before. The building has been described as a ‘people’s palace’ by the architect Francine Houben and hosts a café and shop, as well as the chance to have a guided tour around its ten floors. You and your family can explore the wonderful “treasures” and collections that the library is now home to, including those written by Shakespeare and JRR Tolkien, while relaxing in the reading zones and cushioned areas that are scattered around some of the floors. And after climbing up the hundreds of steps to the top, you’ll be rewarded with a well-deserved rest in the outdoor roof terrace looking out at the spectacular Birmingham views.

Probably one of Birmingham’s best known exports, Cadburys chocolate is not only a national favourite, but a global one too. Particularly appropriate if your parents are bringing little ones with them (or if you’re just all massive chocoholics), CADBURY WORLD gives its visitors the unique opportunity to preview how the world famous Cadbury flavour is made. Interactive gaming areas, advertising avenues and a brief history of the brand will fully immerse you into the chocolaty experience. There is also a full-to-life scale of Bull Street, where John Cadbury opened his very first shop back in 1824. And of course, don’t forget to treat yourself at the largest Cadbury chocolate shop in the world.

You may be slap bang in the middle of England but you can still pretend to be in an exotic ocean at this aquarium. More grown up than the zoo, ideal if you and your parents love nature. A full day itinerary allows visitors to see a huge array of sea creature, watch feedings and listen to fascinating and informative talks. One of the highlights is the huge glass tunnel in which sea creatures including hammerhead sharks and giant turtles, swim all around you. Humbling and awe inspiring, a trip to the NATIONAL SEA LIFE CENTRE BIRMINGHAM will undoubtedly be a highlight of your parents’ visit. (The aquarium is about £19 entry but if you do your research and have a look online there are loads of 2 for 1 offers, and buying your ticket online from their website is significantly cheaper.)

So I hope these give you at least a few ideas for where to take your parents when they come to visit - if not then maybe take them down to Broad Street on a Saturday night and show them what your new student life is really like! Gemma Brown & Sarah Dyer

The Best of Birmingham Nightlife: WE’VE GOT EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK COVERED! Monday - GB Mondays at Gatecrasher £3 advance tickets or £5 on door. Open 22:00 – 03:30. 82 Broad Street, West Midlands B15 1DA The Birmingham Universities unite for the prestigious Gatecrasher student loving Monday nights. The labyrinth of a nightclub situated on the corner of Broad Street is guaranteed to be overflowing with a mix of students. Previously known as ‘Loaded’ the night presents four of Gatecrasher’s best rooms in a pursuit to provide all students with a mix of music they’ll love. With a collaboration of student anthems and floor fillers alongside a fusion of R&B and Drum & Base, there’s music to fit every Monday night mood. On top of the great location and music variety, Gatecrasher presents a range of student cheap drink prices to help fuel your moves.

Tuesday - 90’s Night at Tunnel Club £10 entry for 10 free drinks. Open 22:30 – 03:30. Livery Street, B3 1HL

The newly renovated ‘Tunnel Club’ takes over the grotty remains of ‘Subway City’ yet manages to leave behind the infamous 90’s night. Known for its great drink deals and casual atmosphere, the 90’s night will catapult you through a tunnel of 90’s nostalgia. With its broad range of music spanning across the decade, the club night brings in a wide range of students where everyone will feel at home. The DJ’s will provide you with a variety of 90’s classics, glistened with blasts of more modern noughties favourites. Their rooms encapsulate everything from R&B and rock to chart pop and dance, there really is something for everyone. Think Spice Girls meets Kanye West and collaborating with The Killers, you are bound to find something you’ll love. What’s more, you don’t need to splurge out on drinks! The £10 entry fee provides you with a voucher to supply you with 10 free drinks. And with the casual attire and relaxed atmosphere shared by your fellow students, Tunnel Club has all the main ingredients to make Tuesday’s your favourite night of the week.

Wednesday - I Love Tom’s Mum at Walkabout £3 advance ticket. Open 12:00 – 3:00. Langly Building, Regency Wharf, 266a 271 Broad Street, B1 2DS One of the more unique club nights, Walkabout adds a strange twist to a standard student night out. Is your name Tom? Then lucky for you, you get free entry! Better yet, if you regularly go on night outs with your mum, then it is your lucky day, because you will get free drinks! What better way to take a well-earned mid-week break from your studies then to soak up all your free drinks from Tom’s mum? Okay, it probably won’t help your street cred, but whether you’re Tom or not, the chart music and outrageous stage games will ensure you have a great time revelling in Birmingham’s little piece of Aussie.

Thursday - VodBull/Jägerbomb at Risa £4 for advance tickets. Open 22:30 – 04:00. Quayside Tower, 259 Broad Street, B1 2HF What is the student’s favourite combination for a night out? Vodka and Red Bull. And their second favourite combo? Jäger and Red Bull. Then what better way to celebrate these matches made in heaven then at their very own club night! Birmingham’s Risa strikes the familiar student faces every Thursday for these legendary nights. Your favourite R&B and Grime tracks will fill your ears whilst you fill your boots with Risa’s great drink deals. And with all that Red Bull, you’ll be energised enough to stick to that dance floor right up until the doors are closed. What better way to get rid of them mid-week blues!

Friday

Propaganda at O2 Academy

£4 admission for students before 23:30. Open 22:00 – 03:30. 16-18, Horsefair, Bristol St B1 1DB Propaganda presents the highlights of your all-time favourite indie rock ‘n’ roll playlist. You are guaranteed to hear all your favourite sing along tracks, from ‘Mr Brightside’ to ‘Little Lion Man’, these familiar tunes will ensure you are up on your feet in no time. The club night, as made famous for students around the UK, is the number one stop for a failsafe good night. And with a variety of different rooms allowing a mash up of indie classics with the best R&B anthems, Propaganda can ensure that you will be partying along to the music we all know and love. If that isn’t enough, the frequent musical guest DJ’s will add the cherry on top of the indie embellished, chart music cake.

Saturday - Popworld Party at Popworld Door prices vary, usually £3-£4. Open 20:00 – 03:00. Popworld, 55 Broad Street, B1 2HJ Prepare to relive your past and indulge in all things cheesy pop on your weekend at Popworld. New to the Birmingham ‘entertainment quarter’, Popworld is situated in the heart of Birmingham’s nightlife. Taken over from Flares, Popworld’s respected brand doesn’t disappoint. The nightclub is your inner child’s dream, where you can spend your night posing with Girls Aloud, or dancing to S Club 7 with a Partini in hand. Popworld’s Saturday night party allows you to do just that, with retro drinks and tunes which will guarantee to take you back in time.

Sunday - 02:31 at Rainbow

Usually £8 entry fee with NUS card Open 02:31 – 6:30 160 Rainbow Venues, 160 Digbeth High Street, B12 0LD

Don’t you just hate that feeling when the night has ended but you’re not ready to go home?! Well 02:31 is the answer for all you partying night owls. The after-hours event takes place every Sunday morning at 02:31am, hence the name, and allows you to continue you’re night right up until breakfast. Who needs sleep anyway? The Rainbow is one of Digbeth’s number one hot spots, with DJ’s playing all the best of Dance, Techno, Dubstep and Indie you’re ready for your cornflakes. Dance music lovers, this will be the highlight of your week. Katie Bird

Digbeth Dining Club. It’s not just the food, it’s the experience.

Digbeth Dining Club captures the essence of what modern dining should be about. A small intimate dining experience where food snobbery is left at the door and Birmingham’s food fanatics are welcomed for an experience which will get you talking. When people speak of street food the image which comes to mind is plastic-looking sausages, stale buns and fat laden kebabs, so you can imagine I didn’t really set my standards high for a new street food event in Digbeth. But how wrong I was! Located in the heart of Birmingham’s cultural quarter and situated just a stone’s throw away from the famously quirky Custard Factory, Digbeth Dining Club started back in 2012, taking inspiration from the success of street food events worldwide and showcasing some of Britain’s finest street food vendors as they travel from all over the UK to host at the club. Since then Digbeth Dining Club (more commonly known as DDC by its loyal followers) has gone on to win ‘best street food event in the UK’ in the British Street food awards 2013. Richard Johnson, ambassador of the street food revolution said, “At British Street Food we were delighted to see the Digbeth Dining Club coming home from the Awards with some proper silverware.” I knew Spotlight bar would embrace its unique surroundings. However, pulling up to Spotlight It was hard to make out if I was at the bar or at my uncle’s car garage as the storage-unit based club resembled – well, a storage unit. However, stepping into the club the dingy unit transformed with quirky décor, mood lighting and a general aura of swankiness which clearly attracts Digbeth’s most trend-setting individuals.

Once I got over the unexpected interior it was the combined smells of roasted pork and Mexican food which drew me to the other side of the room. The set-up of the Dining club allows for about four to five street food vans to park up under the heated sheltered marquee with the likes of ‘Low and Slow’ and ‘The Mexican Bean’ taking centre stage when I tried it out, although with so much choice it was hard to know what to try first. I tasted the pulled pork buns from ‘Low and Slow’. Watching the burger crafted in front of me, it became clear why they tell you to get down early, to avoid the queues, as the care put into making the food can often be time consuming. But it’s oh so worth it. Marinated with sauces, and topped with coleslaw and gherkins, this becomes more than just a burger; it’s a meal in a bun. The warmth of the bun and its doughy texture makes it taste almost cake-like whilst the tenderness of the pork allows for the combination to almost melt in your mouth, with no chance of finding those fatty strands which most fairground vendors offer. I had heard rave reviews for the burritos from ‘The Mexican Bean’, so I had to try them myself. Packed with meat and an array of sauces and spices, the burrito is a combination of spiceful delight, but not something which should be ordered whilst on a date as its oozing filling can lead to a messy situation. It’s not just the food at DDC which makes it stand out as one of the best Friday night events In Digbeth, but also the overall experience; it allows for people from all walks of life to mingle in a warm vibrant environment. The hot topic at the event is all about the food – you’ll find yourself talking to people you never

“Watching the burger crafted in front of me, it became clear why they tell you to get down early” would have before about your mutual love for the food, a perfect way to meet new people. The price is yet another winner for DDC; the food tastes even better knowing you spent a mere £5 for that burger. It makes for a cheap Friday night in comparison to what’s on offer in the Mailbox where high prices for small portions can leave a bad taste in your mouth. Overall, I am sold at the concept of this new, street food experience; it’s out with the dodgy funfair vendors and in with the gourmet kings of the road as DDC paves the way for a new Friday night experience.

Enya Quin-Jarvis

G R A D E H U

ATE

When Suzi Collins graduated from University last July she had no idea what she wanted to do. At first she worked in a hostel in Holland before becoming an Au Pair in Spain - in this column she’ll share her experiences and insights from her first year of post-Uni life.

ONE YEAR ON It’s coming up to my one-year anniversary of graduation, so I figured I’d have a little think about what I’ve learnt whilst living my life in a climate where it’s (apparently) impossible to get a job. I won’t pretend to be a qualified careers adviser, but I feel like my status as a REAL LIVE GRADUATE gives me some authority to SPREAD MY SEEDS OF WISDOM. Please use these seeds to grow beautiful TREES OF LIFE. Or sunflowers or something. I dunno.

1. POST-GRADUATION LIFE IS NOT AS BAD AS YOU MIGHT THINK. The minute I decided that I wanted to study an open-ended subject (English) I started panicking about my mystical future ‘career’. This panic continued to grow throughout my time at university until finally last summer my worst nightmare came true: I graduated with no job and absolutely no idea what career I wanted to go into. As it turned out, the anticipation was a lot worse than the reality of the situation. Sure, I was bored at home for a few weeks before finding work, but other than that it wasn’t really that bad. I feel like if a person is motivated enough to graduate university, then they’re probably motivated enough to find some kind of work afterwards. Plus, if you’re not job-hunting during your final year then you have more time to focus on your degree work, and drinking wine whilst watching re-runs of Doctor Who.

2. GRADUATE RECRUITMENT SITES ARE A NICE IDEA, BUT ARE THEY REALLY THAT USEFUL? Every single day I’m inundated with emails from the graduate recruitment websites which my university recommends to every single student. Sure, I could unsubscribe to them and live the rest of my graduate days in peace, but I’ve forgotten all of my passwords and besides, what if my perfect job pops up in my inbox? I’ve probably received around 3 million emails from these websites since signing up at Refresher’s Fair 2 years ago. Out of these 3 million I’ve found around 3 or 4 of the advertised jobs mildly interesting, and I’ve applied to precisely 0. If you already know what sector you want to work in and are prepared to fight for stupidly popular (though admittedly, exceedingly well-paid) graduate schemes, then by all means signup to these sites. But in terms of career advice and the range of jobs offered, I’ve found most of them pretty useless. I feel like there’s no point trying to

get onto a graduate scheme when you have no real idea about the sector it involves (this is coming from someone who decided to apply for an MI5 graduate scheme, purely because I’d actually heard of the company and have watched ‘Johnny English’ more times than I can count). I’d recommend signing up to a couple, just for some inspiration, but don’t assume (like I did) that they’re the Holy Grail and that you’ll definitely find work through them.

3. AS MUCH AS I HATE TO SAY IT, SOCIAL MEDIA IS YOUR FRIEND. Despite the fact that I spend at least 80% of my day on the internet, I still try to kid myself that I’m ‘above’ being a social media addict. Sure, my most visited pages are Facebook and Twitter but I’m ONLY HUMAN, GUYS. If, like me, you’re a Twitter fiend then I’d definitely recommend following some ac-

counts which post job vacancies. There are thousands of twitter accounts which post vacancies from specific sectors, and it takes next to no effort on your part, because their posts will just pop up alongside tweets from Harry Styles and Cher (I LIKE pop music okay? And I’m DAMN WELL PROUD OF IT). Then there’s LinkedIn, which has taken me well over a year to figure out. In fact, I still have no idea what it’s about but you can have a cheeky stalk of your old school friends to see what they’re up to nowadays, plus it’s basically an online CV so when you get around to writing your REAL CV (which I am yet to do), you can just base it on your profile.

4. YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALSO YOUR, ERM, FRIENDS. … But they’re also CONNECTIONS. If you have employed friends then a) lucky you and b) USE THEIR EMPLOYMENT TO YOUR BENEFIT. Ask them if they know of any vacancies in their company, or even just ask them what their job involves if you’re still working out exactly what you want to do. I know, I know, you risk coming off as desperate, but you know what isn’t desperate? HAVING A JOB. On a similar note, try to keep in contact with people you’ve worked with, add them on LinkedIn or Facebook, because you never know when you might need a reference or a little bit of help with job hunting. Hopefully you’ve found some of this useful- maybe even mildly interestingbut if not, I’ll leave you with some wisdom from a handy-man I worked with in Holland: ‘Never take a chicken on a boat. The swaying freaks them out and they’ll try to escape’.

Happy post-graduation lives, people!

The

You know that ‘inner child’ that everyone has? If that concept was to be personified, it would probably act a lot like Malcolm Remedios. An English student who’s in his element at university, where superhero costumes and pillow forts experience a resurgence among students with too much time on their hands. In this column he’ll walk us through his childish experiences and encourage you to embrace your inner child.

inner child

WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN DATING

Before I dated my first girlfriend – although untested - I naively thought of myself as quite the romantic. However, as an unapologetic man child and generally incompetent human being, my attempts to be debonair were often quite misguided, and usually ended in disaster for my first year girlfriend (FYG). The below series of "Don'ts" detail eight things to avoid doing on a date that I devised, based on several things I did do... I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

RULE 1 - "DON'T DO MAGIC" Ever since I entered a Year 4 talent contest as 'Malcolm the Magnificent', I've been partial to magic and the theatrical. Which perhaps gives you a little insight as to why I thought revealing a bouquet of roses from my sleeve would be a suave move that would impress FYG. Unfortunately, I failed to take into account that roses have thorns, and bled throughout the date. Fortunately, FYG failed to notice and the light-headedness that resulted from the blood loss made ‘Definitely Maybe’ a much more emotional experience.

RULE 2 - "DON'T DISCUSS WORLD DOMINATION" At the time my plans for world domination featured a solution for overpopulation that revolved around a more extreme form of the TV show, ‘Hole in the Wall’ (get through the wall, live another day) and painting all the countries so that the world would more accurately resemble a globe from out of space. I'll admit it wasn't the lightest of dinner conversations… This was our first date.

RULE 3 - “DON’T ATTEMPT A FIRST KISS IN THE DARK” Having waited for the perfect moment, which I decided was our post-formal night out. Suited up, with my afro slicked back (which over the course of the night “melted” into something truly horrible). As the last song started, I closed my eyes and decided to make my move. Unfortunately, as it was obviously quite early into our relationship I didn’t quite have my bearings, and ...erm...kissed her in the eye. Having partially blinded FYG, I panicked and took the first opportunity to consult my mates on how I could turn the night around. They choose to ‘help’ by ambushing me and stealing my shoes, which made the walk back to FYG all the more difficult.

RULE 4 - “DON’T THROW FOOD” As she was a little stressed about coursework in the library at gone midnight, I thought FYG might appreciate a chocolate chip cookie from the vending machine. However, she didn’t anticipate me throwing it her from across the café, and it smashed into her face. She didn’t talk to me for two days after that. Although, I do think FYG was partly at fault for not making the catch.

RULE 5 - “DON’T TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR SUSHI IF SHE’S TERRIFIED OF FISH” FYG had embarrassingly admitted to having a phobia of fish when I originally suggested Yo! Sushi for our next date. She had been expecting me to offer somewhere else, instead I told her that the only way to get past her ridiculous fear was to face it head-on. This resulted in one of the most painfully awkward meals I’ve ever experienced, as FYG nervously fidgeted and had to try not to gag every time a fish dish passed us on the conveyor belt. She couldn’t stomach food for the next day.

RULE 6 - “DON’T SUGGEST ROLE PLAY” I didn’t have anything sordid in mind, I was just trying to suggest that we play the ‘Strangers at a party’ game that is always played by couples in sitcoms (my alias would have been Dr Tiberius Shadowclaw). From the disgust etched across her face, I think her mind jumped straight to twisted sex games.

RULE 7 - “DON’T ACCIDENTALLY GIVE FLOWERS TO HER FLATMATE” In another one of my attempted grand romantic gestures. I bought a very costly bouquet of roses, and left them outside the door of her flat unaddressed. I knocked on her door, and sprinted round the corner, ready to surprise her. The door opened, FYG’s flatmate stepped out, looked down at the flowers and decided they were for her. Then her neighbours came out to find out why there was a weird kid crouched in the hallway.

RULE 8 - “DON’T LOSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN A MAZE” Apparently girls don’t find it funny when you decide to hide from them and subsequently lose them in a maze. The same also goes for large cities.

E y t n Au

THE ANTI - RELATIONSHIPS

University is a hectic time of life, with a ridiculous amount of work, socialising and growing up to be done. So who would want to complicate all that by throwing a relationship into the mix? Yes, consistent, safe sex and intimacy may seem appealing - but the arguments, lack of social life and long distance issues, almost always outweigh the benefits of having a beau to go home with after Ocean. But taking home a stranger when your judgement is impaired by alcohol and desperation isn’t trouble-free either. You need something in between the two. So here are four types of casual relationships to fill the lonely single hole inside you, without the messy complication of dreaded 'feelings', or the awkward morning after.

THE SEX BUDDY

THE SUGAR MOMMA/DADDY

I'm sure some of you have already had a sex buddy. But not everyone can manage this without developing feelings, so here are a few tips: go for someone that you're physically attracted to (obviously) - but that's it. Someone you aren't drawn to personality wise who you have very few common interests with - if you actively dislike them even better (I've had some of the best sex with people I hate). The perfect scenario is to know them on first name basis only, meet up, have as little small talk as possible, get down to business, and then leave as soon as possible. No cuddles and no sharing intimate details. Keep your distance and use each other purely for your bodies, but make sure the other party is always on the same wavelength - you don't want to go breaking any hearts or creating any lovesick stalkers.

This one may seem slightly immoral but - let's face it - we've all done it. I'm not suggesting that you have sex with a rich person in exchange for presents (unless you feel like it) but a well off, generous friend who enjoys taking you out is never a bad person to have around. Someone who is older, a local with a career, is always a good way to go. They’ll likely have plenty of spare cash, and a thorough knowledge of Nottingham, so they'll take you to places that are more exciting and up-

However, do make sure to find out the essential information. I was sleeping with a man that turned out to be 31 years old (he told me he was 24) and had a family. His wife wasn't particularly happy when she discovered him texting me on a cosy Centre Parcs holiday.

market than the usual student haunts. They're also quite useful at giving university and career advice. Be careful though and check out how they became well off. A man I met online had quite a bit of money, but didn't have a bank account… and I eventually found out that he'd been in prison and had two children he wasn't allowed to see. AWKWARD.

THE CUDDLE COMPANION A friend who is always around for a cheeky spoon. But make sure your relationship is purely platonic, because we all know where spooning can lead! Almost like a sexless partner, they're there to fulfil your emotional intimacy needs. Feeling depressed and need a hug? Call your cuddle buddy. Choose someone you get on well with, but are definitely not attracted to, almost like a sibling. Someone with a love of junk food, wine and a big bed perfect for TV show binges. Make sure they're single though, as –whether gay or straight - their partner may not understand you ringing them at 3am to demand a drunken cuddle. I personally thought my ex-boyfriend would make a great cuddle companion. Well turns out he still liked me, and when drunk I may have made some bad decisions. The worst part was the morning after when he confessed his love to me and I had to explain I wasn't attracted to him (despite the night before). An experience I'd recommend you to avoid.

THE CHEEKY CHAPPY/CHAPETTE A good looking, flirty friend who you can banter with. Close to a cuddle companion, except there might be a little bit of attraction between you - but you're too close to ever go there. They're very useful for getting into the minds of the opposite sex, because they've probably been through most of them (another reason it'd never happen). They're most useful for their wing-manning ability, and their knack for picking out potential sex buddies when your last one ends up in a relationship, or worse, falls for you. Be careful though, the mixture of friendship and attraction makes them very easy to fall for. The last time I did this I ended up in a three year relationship, definitely what I'm trying to avoid now. University is a short, once in a lifetime experience, so why waste it by settling down and missing all the good parts? When you're old and boring you won't remember about the night in you spent with your partner, you'll remember the night you got with 17 different people then got kicked out for falling asleep on a table. Get the perfect combination of these ‘relationships’ and you won't be missing anything. And if you do stay single - not to worry - there'll be plenty of time for soul-mate searching after uni. In the meantime, have as much fun as you can. Happy humping! X

The Continuing Disappointment: Hard-Hitting-Plagiarism Notorious PHD

Lecturers to settle philosophical differences over rap battle Feuds between lecturers have been escalating dramatically over the last few months. At the University of Birmingham one theology lecturer re-enacted the ten plagues of Egypt on unwilling admin staff for the Biology department, while, in Nottingham a Politics professor and a History lecturer ended up in a Cold-War-style standoff involving two lambs, a pig and a plant pot. To deal with the tense atmosphere that has enveloped campuses as a result of these feuds, The University and Colleges Union (UCU) is organising a series of ‘rap battles’ between academics. According to an official UCU statement this will “create an environment where academics can air their grievances without causing any damage to university property”. The battles will take place in the same style as the popular rap battle league Don’t Flop, will three rounds of 60-90 seconds (plus 30 seconds for reciting bibliography). Participants must deal only with the relevant academic debate and provide a full list of references. The first rap battle will take place in Birmingham on the 5th June between ‘Dizzee Pascal' and ‘The Notorious PhD’ and, if successful, will form the basis of a new reality TV show tentatively titled ‘Get cited, or die tryin’ to be broadcast on Channel 5 at 2:30 am on Tuesdays.

VS Dizzee Pascal

R eferend um to joi n Russia to be held in The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea Russia has announced that following Crimea’s controversial referendum to secede from Ukraine and join Russia, it will be holding referendums across the globe in any location which shows a vague affinity with the country. The first area to be announced was the London borough of Kensington and Chelsea, which is home to many Russian oligarchs and expats. With the Crimea referendum returning a huge majority in support of joining Russia (93%), experts are certainly not ruling out the likelihood of the London borough turning out a similar landslide. A representative from the Russian consulate commented, “Kensington is a beautiful part of London which displays some very Russian characteristics, for example a striking separation between the extremely wealthy and very poor.” In preparation for the vote, the well-known reality TV show ‘Made in Chelsea’ will be airing a Russia special, in which the stars will be taught about Russian culture and food, as well as attempting their trademark banal and tedious conversations in the language.

UN deploys force of professional finger-waggers In response to increasing criticism of the UN’s current peacekeepers, officials have approved a new elite force of finger-waggers to operate in high-conflict areas. The widely known gesture of wagging one’s finger, is expected to have a huge physiological impact on armies and militias accused of human rights violations. The professional finger-waggers will undergo strenuous training before being deployed, including tournaments of ‘thumb wars’ - although excessive force could lead to a formal disciplinary hearing. The finger wagers will not be dressed in the distinctive blue uniforms of standard peacekeepers, but instead in an inoffensive beige. This will help to distinguish those specially trained in the new finger wagging technique and to minimise its misuse.

Alcohol abuse on the rise A survey run by a leading pub chain has found that every Friday and Saturday night, an average of 200 drinks are left abandoned in their establishments. This rise unfinished alcohol is likely linked to the government’s ongoing campaign to limit peoples’ alcohol intake. We can exclusively reveal that increasing numbers of bar staff are suffering from depression as a result of witnessing such a rise in alcohol abuse. A bartender from Nottingham, who wished to remain anonymous, commented; “It’s devastating having to pour all these abandoned drinks away at the end of the night. The abusers must be stopped.” The Continuing Disappointment would like to hereby initiate a campaign to ‘give a pint a home’, urging readers that if - for some obscure reason – you are unable to finish your drink, it is entirely acceptable to offer it to a fellow drinker, thus minimising the abandonment of drinks. Or just stop being silly and drink it all.

50% of charity donations sent to 'Africa’ A recent investigation into charitable donations from the UK has found that over 50% were addressed simply to ‘Africa’. The vast majority of donors were not aware that Africa is the second largest continent with over 50 countries. Many simply cited television adverts portraying starving children in Africa and felt compelled to help them. One Leeds-based participant in the survey responded, “I just keep seeing these people in Africa that have no water. It just looks like an awful place, so I send a cheque every month. It’s nice to know that I’m helping someone”. Every year the royal mail receives millions of envelopes addressed to ‘Africa’ with cheques and cash inside. That money is simply airlifted over and dropped at various, random locations across the continent. A spokesman from the Royal Mail commented, “By dumping the money we ensure that it is distributed fairly to the intended recipients. As the old saying goes ‘teach a man to fish and he’ll waste the day; buy a man a fish and he can just eat.’” Lydia Scott and Daniel Fine

Who the Fuck is D a v i d Cameron? Politics these days; no one says what they mean and no one means what they say. Well that’s what most people believe, right? But there’s more differences between politicians and parties than you might think. So for the politically apathetic amongst you, who know they should vote but can’t be bothered to actually read the whole bloody manifesto, I’ve put together this little series of bios to give you a solid idea of which box to cross when the time comes. And who better to begin with than current prime minister and Tory Big- Don David Cameron. He’s 5th cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, he went to Eton and studied at Oxford. But don’t let that fool you, Cameron is keen to let everyone know he’s down with the kids, after all it was his policy to ‘Hug a Hoodie’. But how did Dave get to where he is today? The Past: The year is 2005 and New Labour are dominant. A new Conservative leader is needed — a modern leader for a modern age — and up steps scarcely known David Cameron. He’s young, his suit fits, and he even has hair! He’s practically Tony Blair – except he’s a Tory (wait, he IS Tony Blair!) Skip forward to the 2010 elections: Blair is but a memory and his main rival Gordon Brown has been thrashed worse than the mobile phones he was known to hurl at his assistants. It’s Cameron’s time now.

K E Y S T AT S AMBITION METER: 7/10 – he’s already made it to the top so maybe the champ isn’t as hungry as he once was, but no one gets to lead the Tory party without having balls of steel (foreign, imported steel thanks to Thatcher mind you). SCANDAL RATING: 6/10 – Criticised for being too close with Rebecca Brooks (the one who allowed all the hacking).

POSH-O-METER: 8/10 – This Bourgeois baby descends from King William IV. SORTING HAT SAYS: RAVENCLAW! His blue blooded ancestry may make him ripe for Slytherin, but his Eton and Oxford schooling makes him bookish enough to wear the Blue and Bronze robe.

IF HE WERE A POKÉMON: Squirtle. His face is round, his colour is blue and he was actually born with a protective shell on his back. VOTE CAMERON IF: You went to Les Arcs and Val Thorens in your First Year. DON’T VOTE CAMERON IF: That vintage Umbro jumper you wear is actually a hand me down.

Illustration: Pete Heyes

Is Wine served at a

Political Party? T h e

C o n s e r v a t i v e s

Cameron doesn’t work alone; he needs his party behind him too. He isn’t a solo singer, he’s in a band, and the band needs to be pulling together in one direction if they’re going to be wanted by the voters (see what I did there?). You see, when Cameron came along, the band was in tatters. Their image was old and dated. Just look at those who were in charge before him: William Hague, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Howard. Do any of those names mean anything to you? They shouldn’t – these were men so boring I actually fell asleep typing their names. The Tories were a red phone box in a world full of smart phones. They needed to modernise; and so they did. They’re not exactly the latest iPhone, but at the very least they’re a mid-range Nokia. They’ve progressed, but they’re still the Tories. But is that just an image, or have the Tories actually started helping the paupers as well as the princes? So Far: Since Cameron became Prime Minister we’ve had benefits cut to stop the scroungers (that’s good) but we’ve also had benefits cut to millions in need (not so good). They’ve pledged to give us the ‘In or Out’ vote on Europe, but we have to vote Conservative again first (sneaky, sneaky Mr Cameron). They’ve also reduced crime by 10% and cut the deficit by a third, but tell that to your granny who couldn’t afford the heating and lost her big toe to frostbite. The Future: David promises no more National Insurance Tax for the under 21’s, further benefits caps and no benefits at all if you refuse to Sprechen sie Englisch. He also plans to introduce a citizenship test with “British values at its heart” and maybe even a few more apprenticeship schemes if you’re lucky. The Big Issue: Plans are underway to sell the Student Loan book to private firms. This means our tuition fee and maintenance loans will no longer be controlled by the government. As a result, interest rates will be raised, lumbering us further into debts which we did not agree to. Selling off public assets means they reduce public-sector debt making the national balance sheet look better. So in essence the Tories look good on paper at the expense of our future earnings. Who would have thought it: a Conservative Party out to take your money, wonders never cease. Rod Ardehali

Uni2 Interviews...

MØ

Danish singer Karen Marie Ørsted, known as Mø, recently graced the stage of The Cockpit in Leeds. Jumping around the stage, in and out of the audience, from sexy dancing to air-guitar, Mø’s energy is remarkable. An amalgamation of pop, electro and hip-hop, Mø’s music has caught the critics’ attention, dubbing her the “next big thing”. Anna Broadbent met the woman behind the hype. YOUR FIRST SINGLE WAS RELEASED IN 2012 BUT I PRESUME YOU WERE CREATING MUSIC LONG BEFORE THAT; WHEN DID YOU FIRST START WRITING SONGS?

what kind of genre. We only stopped the punk band because I got too busy with Mø. If I had the time I would still be doing activist stuff, and playing the punk band.

I started when I was about seven or eight and have been very passionate about it, always. But you know when it comes to making a career you never know; so many people are struggling to get anywhere. Then suddenly when things with Mø started to take off that’s when I was like: “Oh maybe I could make a career, maybe my dreams will come true”, because it’s been a big dream of mine for so many years.

I’M CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR NAME, ‘MØ’ [I BADLY ATTEMPT THE DANISH PRONUNCIATION], APPARENTLY IT MEANS ‘MAIDEN’ OR ‘VIRGIN’…?

DOES WRITING IN ENGLISH COME NATURALLY TO YOU OR IS THAT SOMETHING YOU’VE CHOSEN TO DO FOR COMMERCIAL REASONS? No, it does! And I think that’s because - like I said - when I was seven or eight I started making music, because of the Spice Girls actually, and they were singing in English and I wanted to be like them. I was in a punk band for five years and we were actually singing in Danish, but besides that every band I’ve been in has been in English, so it just seems so natural to me. WHY DID YOU MOVE AWAY FROM THE PUNK SCENE AND THE ACTIVISM OF YOUR TEENS TO MORE MAINSTREAM MUSIC? When I was a child I was totally into pop, and so I think I have never been against it; I’ve been against the way that people were projected in pop, but the idea of a good song, something that’s easy to relate to, that’s something I really adore no matter

Yeah, because ‘Mø’ in old Nordic lan-

guage means, yeah, ‘maiden’ or like, a virgin but not necessarily in the sexual form, but more like an unspoiled, pure young woman. A lot of my songs are about the teen years, this period of time in your life when you try out all these things and everything is new, and you’re at the step of becoming an adult. So it’s like a middle; a middle age between being a pure, young child and being a boring adult. DO YOU THINK AS YOU GET OLDER THAT TONE MIGHT CHANGE, OR IS THAT ALWAYS GOING TO BE A PART OF YOU? I think I will always be a very restless person. Of course when I was in the middle of my teens I was even more restless than I am now, but I’m still very restless. And I think you will always be searching, no matter how old you get, you will be searching for some kind of answer. WOULD YOU RATHER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS TOP-HALF FISH, BOTTOM-HALF MAN, OR TOPHALF MAN, BOTTOM-HALF FISH? I think I actually prefer the top half of a man more, even though we wouldn’t be able to reproduce… AND FINALLY, ARE THERE MORE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, OR CHAIRS? Oh well, seriously. It’s a world problem! I think there are more people. There are not enough chairs. Read the full interview on our website: uni-2.co.uk

Uni2 INTRODUCING…

J U LY C H I L D While studying Politics at the University of Nottingham, Kiyon Samavat became more and more involved with the underground music scene and started DJing under the title ‘DJ Kiks’. After graduating, he wanted to continue making music, and so he joined up with childhood friend and long-time collaborator Amber Clara, to form the ambient music duo ‘July Child’. Their fantastic first single ‘Liquid Form’ was released at the beginning of the year, quickly followed by a cover of Le Youth’s ‘C O O L’ and their second single ‘When you Call’, all to rave reviews. Before their first headlined show, Saphia Kharaz went backstage, to find out more. In years to come we'll look back at this day and say hey, we got to be backstage and interview Amber Clara and Kiks at their very first gig as July Child. The pair are clearly destined for success and are so unintentionally cool it's great, as they sit backstage calmly waiting for their slot. I'm offered a beer, I obviously take it. You can immediately see that Amber Clara and Kiks are so comfortable with each other, all three of us head to a big comfy sofa and the interview begins. We start off by talking about the most important meal of the day - breakfast. Amber went for scrambled eggs and toast, and while Kiks admitted he wanted to say something cool, he went down the honest route and said 'your boring, average muesli, and I enjoyed it.' So, unimpressed I ended the interview there and went home, the entire evening was a disaster and Kiks and Amber never spoke again, the end. Juuuuust kidding. We went back to basics and found out how this adorable duo met. At the sweet and innocent age of around 13, they got talking at an after-school music club. At this point in the interview, Kiks makes us picture a teenage guitarist with long shaggy hair, Amber says Kiks was geeky, he says he wasn't, our conclusion… clearly geeky. Amber was the vocalist and admits neither of them were ever cool. Amber also lets us into a little secret, it wasn't until around this age

that she developed her singing voice despite coming from a very musical family. So this great friendship began, and when Kiks started up a band, his first port of call for the main singer was Amber. But the really serious chats started a few years back, when they realised they're a pretty talented pair and could really make something of their musical careers. Sound-wise, July Child have been described as ambient pop with many of their tracks having a haunting feel about them. The songs are written on acoustic guitars, but with the insertion of the electronic side, it makes it a little difficult for them to label their sound. They would put themselves under the pop music category. Despite the pair not intending to be commercial, the ambient pop vibe is a popular sound in today's mainstream singles chart. London Grammar, Jessie Ware and Clean Bandits are just a few names they would compare their sound to. We move on to the subject of festivals, Amber admits that her dream would be to perform on the main stage at Glastonbury, saying she gets a feeling like she wants to be on stage whenever she watches someone else perform there. For the time being, they acknowledge the amount of festivals around at the moment and say they would love to get involved in some, so watch this space. We then go on to talk about dream collaborations. Kiks goes for Kanye West, saying "I know he would want to work with me", I tell him my boy Kanye often talks about his amazing talent.

He goes on to say the best collaborations are often the ones that shouldn't work but do, so someone completely different, maybe with a hip-hop or urban vibe such as Kendrick Lamar. Next I bring up the subject of embarrassing stories and if they have any great ones about each other. Worried this gig won't happen if he lets anything too bad slip, Kiks opts to describe Amber instead, "she has a fun side, but is careful, sensible and respectful". Amber’s response "you make me sound like a nun". Kiks asks Amber to "hit me back with some complements". It takes her a while to respond and eventually comes up with "you're probably the opposite of me… but in a good way". Phew, nailed it Amber, the gig shall continue. She goes on to explain that she's not always good at meeting new people and finds it quite funny how Kiks can chat to anyone. In their first interview together Amber doesn't think she said a word and Kiks even answered the questions aimed at her. Well, we're glad we got to hear Amber’s side of the story today.

Interning: IS IT WORTH IT?

When I was handed my 2:1 in English and Journalism I really felt like I could quite literally conquer the world, I had a good degree with honours and gained some valuable work experience whilst at university. Sadly, no one was there to tell me the harsh reality of life after university; it can be hard, a struggle and by no means easy or fun. It was the end of January before I got my first 'proper' job - the sad thing is that I’m by no means alone and I, probably along with everyone else, was definitely not warned about the struggle it would take for me to get to this point. I've achieved some amazing things since graduating in July 2013. I've relocated to London 3 times, firstly I interned at ‘Now’ magazine as an Online Intern, during this time I became a Fashion and Features Writer for online start-up Pillow Magazine. From there I went on to intern for Entertainment Wise as a Showbiz Writer and my most recent internship was at Look magazine as a News Writer and Researcher. Through these experiences, I learnt that the world of interning is a tricky one. On one hand I gained valuable advice and experiences that will aid me in my future career. However, the general view is often that you are 'just' an intern, to do the coffee runs and the donkey work that no one else wants to do.

That isn't to say that it was this way all the time. If you work hard and the work you produce is good, privileges are available. I covered the red carpet premiere for ‘Thor: The Dark World’ and was allowed to do larger pieces than interns were generally 'allowed' to do. I stopped applying for internships after Look because I simply couldn't afford it and it wasn't worth the hassle again. As great as internships are for portfolio purposes, I wanted a full time job, to be settled and to actually be paid for the hard work I do. (Thankfully the views on unpaid internships are changing and interns should soon be getting minimum wage - finally!) I'm an East Midlands girl, so uprooting and relocating to London 3 times was exhausting. Thankfully we have family down there which made it a bit easier, but no one prepared me for how exhausted, physically and emotionally, I would be. Not only was I doing these internships, I was also interviewing continually for 'proper' jobs. I attended interviews around 3 times a week for a few months - that doesn't include the applications prior to the interviews or the fact I had been doing these internships and moving throughout. It was by no means as quick and easy to get a job as I had previously thought and assumed.

When 2014 rolled around I couldn't help but be disappointed in myself, I hadn't got a 'proper' job, something that seems so basic, that so many people take for granted. I have worked incredibly hard and only now do I have a job - PR related not magazine writing. Looking back on it now I have learnt so much about myself and have to come to realise what my own priorities are and what career I want to do. I feel like I've grown up so much and become a real 'adult', I've realised what real pressure is (not just last minute deadlines!) and that I actually can cope and deal with it all better than I thought. But most of all I think it would have been so much easier if someone had have told or warned me before I graduated that things aren't always easy. That University in no way prepares you for real life, and that if, like I did, you do struggle - you aren't alone. So for those writing dissertations or beginning to think about life after university, take it as a challenge not as a given. If you are lucky enough to walk into a job after graduating, I seriously cannot stress enough how lucky you are, but sadly for the majority like myself, things aren't always that easy. Getting a job is to some degree, down to luck, and I hope you are lucky enough to be picked pretty quickly.

I’m a firm believer in dressing for success. If you feel good in what you’re wearing you’ll radiate that confidence, it’ll be written over your face and will allow you to leave behind waft of feistiness and determination. For me, interviews are the most important. Get yourself an interview and work-ready wardrobe. Fill it with things that empower you and make you feel good. Get yourself a suit that fits well and makes you look the part. It seriously helps, not to mention it’s professional. You’ll be surprised at the amount of interviews I’ve arrived at where people wear jeans, it just isn’t interview or work appropriate. Similarly if you’re on a first date, if you’re constantly feeling conscious of what you’re wearing, you aren’t going to come over very well. It’s an old cliché, but you should wear your clothes, your clothes shouldn’t wear you. If you’re constantly tugging, shifting and messing around with the outfit you’re wearing, it’s not only annoying for you, but annoying for the people having to watch you. My first tip is invest in some staples. A good midi skirt (we’re talking professional not Primark) a good blazer and some shoes that you can actually walk and be comfortable in. Get yourself some work trousers, New Look are a godsend for this. They do work appropriate trousers but put a stylish spin on them - win win. Handbags are also a must. Get yourself a sturdy bag that can carry your CV and Portfolio in, as well as the emergency bottle of deodorant/perfume/tampons/make up... You know the drill. Topshop stock some great ones, I’d suggest an adaptable colour; a nude, tan or pale pink and preferably in a tote.

It saves you having to open a million

Perfume, again something that I have

pockets and divulge handbag secrets

refined for myself. I always go for a

you’d prefer your potential future

light and floral number, my staple

boss not to see.

being Lacoste Touch of Pink or Marc Jacobs Daisy - it smells of ‘happy’

A good make-up bag is essential.

and will leave you bouncing along all

Get some foundation that you don’t

day. There’s no point wearing a deep

need to worry about or touch up that

and musky seductive scent, it isn’t

often. There’s nothing worse than

appropriate, especially not in the

feeling your make-up slide and not be

day time - leave the seduction to the

able to do anything about it! Invest in

work parties.

a good lippy. I like going bold (that’s a personal preference) because I feel it

This also doesn’t just have to apply to

gives me that extra confidence boost

interviews (it’s just my most recent

and compliments my outfit (I always

and usable example) first dates,

coordinate my lippy to my outfit/ac-

meeting the parents, nights out,

cessories). I also find having my hair

first days at work, events… All of the

up always makes me feel more pro-

things that require you to look your

fessional, and I’ll often shake up my

best, you should always start by mak-

style, sometimes a slicked back huge

ing sure you feel your best.

bun, or sometimes a curly messy-butnot-messy pony tail. Find what styles work for you.

Anna Bridgeman

Oli wears a suit by Zara

GIRL MEETS DRESS: Th e U K ’ s b es t d r es s r e n ta l s e r v i c e

We all want to look fab for Grad Ball. It’s a huge night, you’ve done three years of a degree and it’s now the time to celebrate with all the friends you’ve made. You want an amazing dress – yes - but 9/10 times we probably won’t wear the £100-200 special occasion dress again, because it reminds us too much of the event. I know I’ve got dresses in my wardrobe that I’ve only worn once. I HAVE THE SOLUTION! A giant wardrobe that you can browse through and choose a perfect dress that you can wear once, return and leave someone else the dry cleaning to do. Sounds too good to be true, right? Wrong! This is where Girl Meets Dress, a UK dress rental service for all the special occasions on your life calendar.

Simply log on to: www.girlmeetsdress.com and browse their huge selection of dresses, choose your dress, size, event date and rent a dress for a fraction of the price that it’s worth! You can choose more than one dress and you only get charged for the ones that you wear and you can even get a discount code for your birthday.

Recently I spoke to Anna Bance (pictured overleaf) the co-Founder of Girls Meet Dress – to get the inside story... WHERE DID THE IDEA FOR GIRL MEETS DRESS COME FROM? The Girl Meets Dress story began in 2009 when I was working as UK PR Manager for French Luxury brand Hermes, which - like my previous roles in the fashion industry - involved lending the collection of dresses and accessories out on a daily basis to fashion magazines, shoots, celebrities and journalists. I thought to myself "wouldn't it be amazing if we could all borrow dresses for just one event?” My co-founder and I looked into the market and saw that no one was doing it. We were the first company to rent luxury fashion online and it is wonderful that Girl Meets Dress is now pioneering the way for rental as a new and exciting ecommerce category of its own. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHAT GOES ON THE SITE? As with any multi-brand retailer, the clothes are bought from the designers at the start of the season, and then sold (or in our case rented) until the following season. Our relationship with the designers is very important and we look to expand the variety of brands from every country in the world. Currently we have over 150 UK and International designers stocked. WHAT’S YOUR WORK WEAR WARDROBE LIKE? DO YOU HAVE ANY STAPLE ITEMS? My signature style is usually a dress, with tights and boots in the winter, flat pumps or wedges in the summer. People always ask if I am wearing a designer dress from the website and most of the time I try to live the brand and it is my responsibility to be familiar with the designers we stock, so I try to wear at least 2 GMD dresses per week. DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR BUDDING FASHION ENTREPRENEURS WANTING TO START THEIR OWN BUSINESS? Although not 100% necessary, I recommend choosing an area that you know something about. There are exciting ways to pioneer every market, whichever field you love. Of course, you can learn about any new topic – but will you be able to compete with people with years of knowledge and expertise?

Find a Co-Founder with different skill sets to you. This is a brilliant way to launch without needing to hire a full team on day 1. If you can split the main areas of the business between you, then you can launch with minimal cost. Don’t overthink it. There will never be a perfect time to leave your secure job, risk a salary decrease and take a chance on an idea which might not work – but what’s the worst that can happen? You’ll go back to your previous role until you come up with the next idea! Girl Meets Dress kindly lent us three dresses from their amazing collection for our photo shoot. Allie-May Redmond

Hair & Skincare Tips for Busy Uni Days! HAIR

Busy days, blurry nights out, Hagrid hair the next day. Having to vigorously brush your hair the morning after a night out, eyelids drooping and already late for the morning lecture is a huge stress on every uni girl’s life. I used to literally jump in the shower and grab whatever shampoo was to hand. But then I was recommended the Aussie 3 minute Miracle Reconstructor Deep Conditioner (Superdrug 250ml £4.99 or 2 for £7/Boots 250ml £4.99 or 3 items for £10) and now, I take that extra 3 minutes (that’s all it takes) and letting the soothing hot water embrace my back for those extra few moments. All for the good of my hair of course! Now, my hair looks much shinier, feels healthier, and smells amazing too! They say pretty hair is the one thing that can make a girl feel really feminine, but it must be healthy as well.

Happy with your shampoo and conditioner but need some help with styling? If flat and limp hair is your problem and you want to give it a boost, try the L’Oreal Paris Studioline #TXT volume Supersizing Spray. (Superdrug 200ml £3.79) This convenient little spray is very easy to use and gives volume all day long until the night.

SKINCARE

There are two possible reasons that your eyes look tired and people always greet you by exclaiming ‘You look knackered!’ Either, you haven’t got enough sleep, in which case get back on the 8 hours routine, the other is that your eyes are lacking hydration. Protect the delicate area around the eyes by using Obagi Professional-C Serum 15% for Eyes (EBay £19.74) which contains ingredients that fade signs of aging. Its lightweight formula makes it ideal for wearing foundation as well and it doesn’t create a feel of oil or greasiness to the skin.

If you’ve planned a lazy girl night in (with pizza, ice cream and good company i.e. the TV), then why not try Indeed Hydraluron Moisture Boosting Mask. (Boots £19.99) It’s a great way to moisturise your face while having a gossip.

Finally, start investing in some vitamin C facial products! OK, we all know that vitamin C is great for health but its anti-oxidant properties give special benefits to the skin. It provides protection against environmental damage, reduces the chances of inflammation and brightens dark spots, especially acne scarring. Try a simple serum boost with the Super Facialist Vitamin C+ Glow Boost Skin Serum for only a tenner! (Boots 30ml £15.99)

Better start nurturing your skin now ready for the summer! Jennifer Lau

It’s one of those days where your body is shapeless, your hair is limp, and every item of clothing resembles a bin bag. You scour your wardrobe for something that you didn’t wear last week, hoping for a sudden revelation. Wearing the same outfit a second time round - no matter how stylish - feels unmistakably underwhelming. It is on these days when I severely question why fashion and the clothes I wear have such importance to me.

A d d S p a r k l e to Your Wardrobe

However, despite these trials and tribulations, my love for fashion has enabled me to discover the best ways to make the most of what I have. My advice to you when you wake up on a cold, grey, miserable morning and feel completely demotivated and lacking in creativity, is to brighten up your outfit with a piece of jewellery. Be it a simple pendant, a statement necklace, or those beaded earrings that add the finishing touch, jewellery can transform any outfit. I THINK IT’S FAIR TO SAY I LOVE JEWELLERY ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE CLOTHES! Here are a few reasons why:

1 For students, going shopping for a new item of

clothing each week is an impossibility. Instead, opt for a simple and affordable chiffon vest top; essentially a blank canvas. Combine it with a statement necklace and your outfit will instantly be transformed with a look distinctive to you. The same piece of jewellery can then be worn with multiple items of clothing creating a different look each time, and, most importantly, saving you money.

2 A simple pendant often adds the finishing touch to an outfit. A delicate gold or silver chain with a tiny, no-fuss pendant is all that is required. And the best thing? This is the kind of jewellery often given as a gift, otherwise sitting unused in a draw. No need for any additional investment.

3 Not only can jewellery be used as a fashion statement, it can also be personalised to you. One of my favourite items of jewellery is a bracelet my flatmate made for me when we first met six months ago. The simplicity of “Immie” spelt out on in white beads on a thin black thread holds a certain significance. What’s more, it goes with everything I wear!

HERE ARE SOME OF THE BEST WAYS TO INDIVIDUALISE YOUR JEWELLERY:

Make it yourself! It may sound daunting but it is so easy to do. I study in Manchester and recently discovered a bead shop selling an array of bead types, threads and tools for jewellery making; I have set myself the goal of attempting to make at least one piece. This way you can design any style of jewellery you want, no one else will have it, and you can have fun too!

Markets are a great way to find one of a kind pieces. My favourite market is located back home in Devon. I would estimate 50% of my jewellery comes from there. It is vintage, old fashioned jewellery that you will never find on the high street, and it feels good to know your jewellery has a history. Most cities and towns hold regular markets, so go along and see what you can find.

Layer up! Have the confidence to wear more than one necklace or bracelet at a time, and choose colours or shapes that complement one another. This is an easy way to experiment with your creativity. So, next time you have a mad panic in the morning, take a moment to consider how a piece of jewellery might create that look you are trying to achieve. It might just work. Imogen Ramsden

Uni 2’s LOCAL ARTISTS CORNER:

Si and Shookz, the two creators of electronic dance sensation One Bomb, have seen their success grow and grow in the last year. Their music ranges from chilled-out House to fast beating Garage and it’s because of this diversity that the duo are now becoming a hit. I managed to catch some time with them during their busy schedule. Si explained how One Bomb first started: “Me and Shookz did a workshop with kids where we taught them how to play electronic music and because we come from different music backgrounds, we thought it would be a good idea to form a band.” Shookz: “It was hard finding time to create a new project because we’re both busy people. It wasn’t hard to collaborate though, it was like a hand sliding into a glove.” If you check out One Bomb on YouTube or SoundCloud, you’ll find that a lot of their music features other artists from different genres. I was keen to find out how the band got these artists to appear on their tracks:

Shookz: “Overtime we’ve been scowling the local scene for artists we really want to work with, who we see potential in, and we’ve had a great range of talent working with us.” I was blown away by the connections these guys have made. Both were firing names at me from their projects. It proves that their idea of combining local talent with their exceptional production techniques has led to them becoming one of the most credited acts to come from this year’s music scene. The band first gained the spotlight when they managed to grab a 1Xtra playlist and the momentum mounted from there. Their tune ‘Good Times Roll,’ featuring Georgia Copeland, has been play-listed by BBC Radio 1. They mentioned that they were grateful for Dean Jackson, a DJ at BBC Radio Nottingham who

constantly played their hits, which ultimately caught BBC Radio 1’s attention. The duo’s music has a very wide range in sound. There are a variety of elements coming from different ends of the music spectrum, which Shookz was eager to highlight: “The influences we have are from totally different fields. For example I’ve got DJ Zinc from his old drum n bass days”. Si: “And I write kind of chilled out, slowed down tempo music, which Shookz calls old man music (laughs) but I’ve got influences from people like Bonobo. But the elements all come together to create One Bomb and I suppose that’s why we get categorised in the same bracket as

someone like Disclosure.” Having circulated the East Midlands gig venues, the band have also got a big following in London, but Shookz is keen to broaden their horizons and play some big festivals: Shookz: “We want to play Glastonbury, or just any big stage because obviously we’re a live act and we want to show people exactly what we can do.” Si: “We played Creamfields last year and the stage was massive. It was a great setup, and it was just perfect because our music is made to be played live and we are both animated when we play, especially our percussionist who’s the nuttiest guy you’ll meet (laughs), and so it was the perfect gig.”

them speak so enthusiastically about their live performances, it’s clear that One Bomb definitely fit the bill for a Bestival slot and even the London gigs like Found and Eastern Electrics. When I asked them both where they want to be in a couple months’ time, Si was quick to reply that they wanted to be in the sun on a big stage performing to millions of people.

project works is because we are both hardworking people, and we want to get things done.”

The duo informed me they had an incredibly busy schedule for the next couple months and I wondered if their busy calendar has ever been an issue:

It appears that being play-listed on Radio 1 is just their starting point, as the goal now for One Bomb is to release a track which gains huge support and catapults them into the limelight. We’re behind them 100%.

Si: “It’s hard in the sense that you have to juggle things about. But then it’s like, hold on, we’ve got to get from here to here - we can’t stop. But it’s never really hard as such, because it’s what you want to be doing”.

Si: “Writing music is fun obviously, but it’s the other bits around it that make it work. Like your meetings, the paperwork and such. So you want to get that all done so that you can come back to the music.”

Check out One Bomb’s Facebook page for upcoming gigs in the North and the Midlands. Louis Antoniou

Listening to their music and hearing

Shookz: “One of the reasons why this

d n u o r milk of an artist, h c u m t o n e ’r u Even if yo king for a o lo n e h w y e k ill t creativity is s

GRADUATE JOB!

•Even if you’re not much of an artist, creativity is still key when looking for a graduate job.

•At Milkround, we advertise thousands of graduate job roles across every industry, and one word that can appear on almost every job description is ‘creative’. Whether you are looking for roles in Accounting or Engineering, Law or HR and all that is in between, our employers want to find graduates with creative minds.

•Creativity can mean thinking outside of the box with how to present your CV or approach an employer to set yourself aside from your peers.

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•It can be finding a solution to a logistics problem that no one else on your team would have thought of, or presenting information in a new, interesting way to make it easier to digest.

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The Science of Hangovers

WHAT FOOD CAN CURE YOU?

Hangovers are actually much more complex than you might think. There’s a lot of science behind that blinding headache, churning stomach and questioning of life.

So the big questions of the day arise – what to eat, and will it make me feel better, or much, much worse? And in your weakened state you may feel like a McDonalds or Full English is the only solution, but answer these few questions and you may find you’ve been curing that hangover wrong since your first house party too many years ago.

1 – HOW’S THE HEAD FEELING? A – It’s a bit of a strain to string to-

gether the pieces from last night, but apart from that nothing a paracetamol won’t fix. B – I feel like it’s trapped in a vice that’s not letting go any time soon. C – It appears someone is stabbing it with a machete like object. D – My heads come off okay this time, the pain is concentrated on my insides. E – A bomb has exploded in my brain.

2 – HOW ABOUT YOUR STOMACH? A – Fine actually, hadn’t really

thought about it. B – It’s up and down, still too early to judge. C – Hollow, like it’s been empty for weeks. D – The sharp object stabbing my head has now turned to my insides. E – It’s churning. I’m not even sure food is possible at this moment in time.

4 – WHAT WOULD YOUR IDEAL ACTIVITY BE RIGHT NOW? A –I want to look at pictures from last night and do something sociable. B – Watching my TV from bed, that’s about all I can manage C – I need to work out what I’m doing with my life before I can think about doing anything productive. D – I’m pretty sure I’m starving, or maybe I’m just sick. E – If I had a coffin, I’d go and lie in it in preparation for the inevitable.

3 – HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR MOOD? A – I wouldn’t say joyful, but not too

bad. B – A bit strange, and dizzy. Very dizzy. C – Damaged, empty and hungry. D – Uneasy. E – I feel completely destroyed, mentally and physically.

5 – FINALLY, WHAT WAS THE WORST THING ABOUT LAST NIGHT? A – Nothing, I’m still laughing about it now!

B – My new (incredibly sad) bank balance.

C –I offended everyone I spoke to. D –That deadly mix of whatever was

handed to me – vodka, rum, cocktails – who knows what else. E – Couldn’t tell you, don’t remember a thing.

IF YOU ANSWERED: Mostly A - You’ve come out alright, you can function relatively well but you just need a little pick me up. Go make yourself some easiest pancakes Mostly B - Your hangover isn’t the worst you’ve had, but attending any lectures or doing any work seems unlikely - your attention span is that of a two year old – a peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich will sort you out. Mostly C - You’ve got a blinding headache that not even painkillers will soothe, but you’ll be out of bed by 3pm by which time you’ll want some serious feeding – Full English Omelette Mostly D - Your stomach is churning from that horrendous concoction of spirits and 4am kebab. Something soothing is in order – cue a soothing smoothie Mostly E - You think you may throw up just thinking about eating – there is no recipe for this hangover! In the meantime pints of water and a few slices of toast are the only thing that will get you through this torturous day.

? ? ?

A - Easiest pancakes You’re feeling pretty good, so having a heavy, savoury breakfast might actually make you feel worse. Something sweet with some complex carbs is what you need right now. Get a small mug, fill with flour and pour into a bowl. Fill the same mug with milk and add to the bowl. Mix in 1 egg and a dash of sugar and that’s it – perfect pancake mix. Cook up into a big stack, and top with some sliced banana and lots of honey/Nutella/ your favourite sugary topping.

B - Peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwich Sweet, salty, doughy heaven. This might sound like a dubious combination but eating a banana when you’re hung-over will replace vital potassium that you sweated out the night before, and what can be bad about bacon and peanut butter? Just think of it like sweet pancakes with crispy bacon and it will make more sense in your fragile state. Thickly spread two pieces of white bread with crunchy peanut butter, 1 mashed banana and a drizzle of honey. Fry 2 slices bacon and place on top of the banana. Top with another slice of white bread and there you have it. The ‘Elvis Presley’ hangover sandwich!

C - Full English omelette: Eggs are one of the best things for a hangover, easy on the stomach and contain the amino acids you need to break down those toxins in your stomach. Bacon is also packed with some much needed salt. Match with some buttery toast. In a bowl, beat 2 large eggs. In a frying pan, fry up 2 bacon rashers, 1 tomato sliced into rings and some mushroom. Add some chunks of sausage if you’re lucky enough to have some. Once cooked, place it all on a plate. Add the eggs to the pan and leave to cook for 1 minute. Place the other ingredients on one side, fold in half and voila.

D - Soothing smoothie: You may think you want a plate of greasy breakfast but that fat is going to make your stomach worse with this hangover, so save the heavy meal for a bit later and whip up this smoothie. Packed with potassium and sugars, it’s going to settle your stomach and give you some much needed energy. Using a smoothie maker or hand blender (electric whisk will work at a push) mix together 2 very ripe bananas, some ice cold milk, a shot of expresso and 2 tsp sugar melted into the coffee shot. Add some ice if you’ve got some.

We’ve all had awful hangover days. Hopefully these tips will make your day more bearable, and if not, I feel for you. Laura Reynolds Illustration: Ruth Porter

u l t i m a t e v a r s i t y The biggest matches in the UK Whichever University you go to, no matter if it is a ‘Uni of’ or a former poly, everyone understands the importance of varsity. Every year Universities go head to head in a battle for pride, dignity and sports excellence. It’s not just on the pitches that shit goes down; twitter wars rage, nightclubs are filled with abusive chants, and when meeting someone from the enemy camp, it is common practise to scream an abusive and run away. Right from the word go unsuspecting 1st years have hate for their rivals drummed into them; chants are taught, lines are drawn and girls are made to promise not to give it up to a member of the opposing party. Each city has a slightly different approach to its varsity series. Whilst here in mighty Nottingham our varsity lasts throughout the year, in Bristol they have one jam-packed day of 19 sporting events. Southampton has a fierce rivalry against Portsmouth in pole-dancing (a highly attended event by all males), and whilst you may not have a clue what futsal is, Sheffield Hallam and Uni of Sheffield go head to head to be crowned the top dog. Most cities will have one event which everyone has to attend. These are some of the best:

Ice Hockey - Nottingham The biggest varsity event in Nottingham is the Ice Hockey. Kick starting the fierce rivalry each year at the Capital FM arena, the match is the most highly attended ice hockey match outside of North America. Over 10,000 students pile into the ice centre, pink on one side, green on the other and shout abuse at each other or a solid 60 minutes. The past two years have seen Trent walk away in defeat after extremely close matches.

Rugby – Leeds and South Wales Rugby is consistently featured in Varsity competitions throughout the country. In Leeds, Met and Uni of compete in 50 plus fixtures over one day in early October - Met have won the trophy nine years in a row. By far the biggest event is the rugby finale which takes place at Headingley Carnegie Stadium, the last fixture had a record attendance of 11,791 and Met won 25-15. Moving across the border to South Wales, there is a varsity rugby match that dwarfs Leeds. In one of the highest attended varsity events in the UK, Cardiff University go up against Swansea University for the final match of the Welsh varsity series at the Millennium Stadium. Over 30,000 tickets are sold every single year, and the teams are very competitive, 2012 saw the Cardiff reds lift the cup whereas in 2013 it was the green boys from Swansea with the glory.

"Varsity is about so mu ch more than t he sport. It’s about proving tha t your university is the aLpha a nd theirs is t he little bitch .”"

Football - Sheffield Up north in the land of the gravy lovers and grey clouds, lies Sheffield, where the match that gets the students pissed and rowdy, is football. 2013 saw Sheffield Hallam give the University of Sheffield fans reason to sit down and shut up after they won for the first time in ten years. The luck continued through to 2014, when burgundy Hallam continued their winning streak beating Uni of yellows 4-2 , at a packed out Hillsborough stadium.

Boat Race The West Midlands and Oxbridge The University of Birmingham’s Varsity is unusual in that, rather than competing against Birmingham City, their rivals are the University of Warwick. The main competition is the Varsity boat race, which takes place on the River Severn, over 12 different events. Venturing across the social divide and into an altogether more prestigious boat race. Oxford and Cambridge’s rowing match is so much more than just a university game – the fact it’s shown on BBC1 says it all. The Boat Race is one of the oldest varsity sporting events, and although it’s difficult to imagine the toffs and boffs at Oxford and Cambridge getting down and dirty with their chanting and foam fingers, it’s undeniable that their rivalry is one of the most aggressive.

26 sports, 1 day – The North East University of Newcastle’s varsity against Northumbria is unusual; on one day over 1200 competitors play in 26 sports, known as the Stan Calvert Cup (named after the University of Newcastle’s first Director of Sport). The fans that cheer the whole day are a wonder and inspiration to us all; remaining absolutely smashed for the entire day and night is a prestigious skill. Basketball, cricket, fencing, and badminton are just a few of the sports that take place, however the best, highest attended, and most boozy events are the men’s rugby and 100m athletics.

Is that a sport? Now, all the above events are pretty standard fare; the girls know they will get to see fit boys in shorts, and the boys have enough sports knowledge to act like a coach on the side-lines. But some universities like to break away from the sporting norms of our society, and attempt to educate its students in some of the lesser-known sports. Each year Sheffield rolls out korfball – a Dutch sport which is a cross between netball and basketball with mixed gender teams, as well as canoe polo, which is – unsurprisingly - polo in a canoe. Oxford and Cambridge prove their posh boys’ status by competing in clay pigeon shooting, caving, croquet, fencing and pistol small bore. At the other end of the spectrum, Southampton and Portsmouth enter a brutal battle to be crowned the victors of roller hockey. No matter the sport or the city, students all know what’s at stake. We know our responsibilities and ensure each year they are undertaken with passion. Chanting whilst holding a beer and a foam finger is a difficult task, but somehow we all manage to pull it off with dignity… well, sort of.

Kate Parker

y a D n y h io w

u t o y a d n r i i m p re

l s l ’ In s that ing.

Revising for exams or writing essays can be an incredibly boring task. Students probably spend longer procrastinating than we do actually working. If you’re lacking motivation the lure of internet streaming can often be too much, but you need to choose what you watch wisely. Here, we’ve assembled a list of films that will get you pumped for your course, so that when the end credits roll, you’ll be ready and raring to get back to work… well, you might be.

y m d l u t Fi s e r ’ u o y

Politics Independence Day “In less than an hour, you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. ‘Mankind.’ That word should

have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore” – President Thomas J. Whitmore Usually when politicians are depicted in films or TV shows they are seen as conniving and treacherous. The exception to this rule is the American President, who’s often portrayed as the heroic embodiment of the American dream, never more entertainingly than

in Independence Day (ID4). ID4 was released in 1996, and is remembered for Will Smith twatting aliens in the face, and the chest-beatingly awesome speech President Thomas J. Whitmore gives to rally the troops before launching the final offensive against the alien ships. Maybe if you finish your degree you can be as cool as him. See also: In the Loop, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

BusinessWolf of Wall Street “Let me tell you something. There’s no nobility in poverty. I’ve been a poor man, and I’ve been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time” – Jordan Belfort The Wolf of Wall Street follows the life of Jordan Belfort, an incredibly astute and cunning businessman, unfortunately all of his on-goings were illegal. The film displays his attempts to climb up the ladder of broking, often leading to some quite spectacular scenes of drug use, sex with a variety of prostitutes, and Jonah Hill wanking in public pilled off his face. The film highlights the importance of not getting caught. Jordan eventually ends up being locked up, but prior to that he definitely spends the money right. Imagine, if you prosper in the future, you too could be smashing coke out of a prostitute’s arsehole.

to the reactor. Sure, it was a one in a million shot, but, it should still take more than two proton torpedoes to destroy the largest and most expensive weapon ever built. This will motivate the engineers among you to get working, so that when you design super-weapons, you don’t make similar mistakes. See also: Pacific Rim, Weird Science

Medicine - Contagion “Someone doesn’t have to weaponise the bird flu. The birds are doing that.” – Dr. Cheever Contagion, released in 2011, stars Matt Damon among a strong ensemble including Jude Law and Kate Winslet. A seemingly incurable virus escapes containment, quickly mutating and infecting millions of people globally, causing the world to enter an apocalyptic state with people killing and looting to survive. Contagion realistically portrays the spread of the disease, and the doctors trying to find a cure. Proving that doctors can be the hero… but you best study - to make sure you’re prepared See also: Evolution, The Human Centipede

See also: Boiler Room, The Pursuit of Happyness

Psychology - Inception

Engineering - Star Wars

“That many dreams within dreams is too unstable!” - Yusuf

“The target area is only two meters wide. It’s a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system” - General Dodonna In ‘Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope’ Luke Skywalker leads a ragtag strike force in an attack against the Empire’s devastating new weapon - the Death Star. A huge facility that can literally blow up planets, you’d have thought that the engineers that designed it would have made sure that it had no weaknesses. Like – I don’t know - a thermal exhaust port, which for no real reason leads directly

Inception was released in 2010 and directed by Christopher Nolan, the man behind the Dark Knight Trilogy. The story focuses on the power of the subconscious, following the events of Leonardo Di Caprio’s journey through a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream to help the government do the opposite of what he’s a specialist at, I think. My mind has never been so aggressively fucked. Work hard and you might be able to figure it out. See also: K-Pax, A Beautiful Mind

“...scenes of drug use, sex with a variety of prostitutes, and Jonah Hill wanking in public pilled off his face.” Philosophy - The Matrix “Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program” - Agent Smith The Matrix was a revolutionary concept in the sci-fi genre. Released in 1999, it follows a hacker who learns that the world is actually a computer program and that he is the chosen one, destined to liberate humans from the cruel grip of machines. The film deals with many philosophical concepts and leaves the viewer questioning their own existence, and whether Keanu Reeves truly understands the concept of acting. Just don’t get too distracted thinking about the implications of the film… and for the love of God don’t watch the sequels. See also: Conan the Barbarian, 12 Angry Men

Alex Esden and Daniel Fine

360 and PS3: The Games you Alex By Esden missed The PS4 and Xbox One have been on store shelves for a few months now. Billed as a huge step forward for gaming, the next generation of consoles are at the forefront of entertainment. But, with each console weighing in at over £400 and games costing £45 a pop, let’s be honest, very few of us have bought one. It may be tempting to stretch your student budget to try to cover it, but it’s not necessary. We had the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 for 8 years, and you could be forgiven for thinking you’re finished with them. But with almost 1,500 titles released across both consoles, it’s unlikely that you’ve experienced everything the last generation had to offer. Amidst all the huge game releases and the behemoth franchises, there were many games that slipped through the cracks. They may not have had such a big marketing budget or could have lacked the hype machine that goes with the next instalment of a long running series, but these games are true hidden gems that are well worth a spin. And they’ll only cost you a tenner!

Dishonored

The Darkness

Brutal Legend

You play as Corvo Attano, the former bodyguard of the Empress, who is framed for her murder, who pledges vengeance. Published by the creators of Fallout 3 and Skyrim, Bethesda, the game incorporates a dynamic 1st person view, with a combination of ranged and melee weapons and supernatural powers. The game takes place over 9 missions, all of which are completely unique from one another and can be completed in many different ways. This allows for a lot of replay value as the game can be completed in a number of ways. You can even finish the game without killing anyone, but given that the game allows you to take control of a rat, strap an explosive onto it and then run into enemies, I doubt many players took this option.

The Darkness is a first-person horror-shooter released in 2007 and the sequel was released five years later. You play as Jackie, who harbours an ancient demonic evil as a family curse. While being chased by the mafia, the evil awakens and precedes to rip the mafia members to shreds. Throughout the games Jackie learns to control his powers. You might not expect a game so brutally focused on first person mutilation and violence to have a great story, but the Darkness series follows a surprisingly deep narrative, involving characters you come to care for, elements of psychological horror and shocking death scenes.

When Brutal Legend was first released in 2009, many scoffed at for being nothing more than that Jack Black game. On the contrary, Brutal Legend is a well-written title, with fantastic art design and voice acting. The gameplay spans several genres, combining an action beat ‘em up with real-time-strategy battles, along with aspects of racing. You play as Eddie Riggs, voiced and modelled by Jack Black, a roadie who is transported to fantasy worlds by traveling through heavy metal album covers. He becomes the world’s saviour by liberating the humans and destroying the world’s overlord with his Flying V guitar and Battle-axe combo. Yes it’s as cool as it sounds, and yes you can literally melt people’s faces off.

“ Yes it’s as cool as it sounds, and yes you can literally melt people’s faces off ”

Crackdown Crackdown is an open-world 3rd person superhero game, from the creator of GTA. Released in 2007, many people bought it simply as it was released with the Halo 3 multiplayer beta and paid no attention to the disc in the box. They missed out on a great game. Set in a massive city, split over 3 islands each controlled by different crime syndicates, you play a super soldier who was created to free the city from the tyrannical grip of crime bosses. Whether youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re jumping across the roofs of buildings, hurling cars at enemies or setting off huge explosions, the game is an absolute blast to play.

The Witcher 2 The Witcher 2 was the first of the series to be released on consoles, allowing Xbox 360 owners to experience the innovative combat system and impressive visuals. You play as Geralt of Rivia, one of the few remaining Witchers â&#x20AC;&#x201C; men trained to be monster hunters from an early age. The game boasts an intelligent, complex story that forces players to make tough choices which have a huge impact on the narrative. This is an RPG for adults, where the developers want you to care about the politics and history of the brilliant world they crafted, and all comes along with acclaimed battle mechanics, and legendary enemies. A must for any self-respecting gamer!

The F.E.A.R. Series When F.E.A.R. was released in 2005, it gave the then fledgling survival horror genre a shot in the arm, and along with its subsequent sequels has become one of the most beloved series in the genre. A 1st person shooter in which you control a First Encounter Assault Recon member (I see what they did there), who is sent in alone to investigate Paxton Fettel, a man with similar tendencies as Hannibal Lector. But all is not what it seems, and soon the player finds themselves embroiled in a paranormal mystery. The game was praised for its focus on atmosphere, using both audio and visuals to create a truly terrifying experience. Simply the mention of the ghost girl Alma will send seasoned gamers into panic sweats.

Split/Second Split/Second is a racing game like no other. Each race allows you to build up stunt points that, when used, cause huge alterations to the course. This could be as simple as crumbling a wall to create an obstacle, or bringing down a plane to wipe out all the drivers ahead of you. This feature sets Split/ Second apart from the crowd, making for a highly enjoyable multiplayer game, with plenty of cars to unlock, a variety of courses, and a number of unique modes.

YOUR NEW FAVOURITE BAND The Jezabels are an Australian four-piece band. Anchored by the extraordinary voice of lead singer, Hayley Mary, and Heather Shannon on keyboard, their dramatic music - described as “intense indie” – has seen them gain a large cult following across Europe. During their European tour to promote their second album ‘The Brink’, I sat down with drummer Nik Kaloper, to discuss all things Jezabel. HOW DID YOU FORM AS A BAND?

WHAT DID YOU ALL STUDY?

We met at the University of Sydney; Sam, Heather and Hayley were all playing music together in a folk outfit. I met Sam when I was working at a café on campus and he mentioned they were looking for a drummer and then the four of us got together and we started to write songs.

Sam did a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English & History and Hayley did a Bachelor of Arts too with English and sort of Gender Studies. I did Maths and Physics and Heather was studying classical piano.

WHERE DOES THE NAME ‘THE JEZABELS’ COME FROM? Well, it’s a biblical reference. And I suppose it’s some sort of attempted reclamation of that term because it’s used rather disparagingly, as a term for a promiscuous woman or a prostitute. If you read the story a certain way, she was really just a powerful,

head-strong woman that was persecuted for that very reason. The fact that we still use that name as a disparaging remark these days, means that maybe we’ve got that story wrong. HAS YOUR SONGWRITING PROCESS CHANGED AT ALL BETWEEN PRISONER (THE FIRST ALBUM) AND BRINK (THE SECOND)? Yeah! With the second album we very deliberately wanted to go back to a style of writing that was more like our EPs. For that we would write together in a rehearsal room, while for the first album we wrote a lot of stuff while we were recording, and what we didn’t anticipate was how hard that would be to reproduce in a live atmosphere. Ideally what we wanted to do was make sure that the songs we wrote felt good to play live and could work without the bells and whistles. So for the second album we really wrote just the four of us in a rehearsal room. A LOT OF YOUR SONGS ARE VERY GUT WRENCHING AND POWERFUL. IS THIS BECAUSE THEY COME FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE? Well, we all have an inclination to write in favour of the grandiose and things that hopefully sound larger than life. What motivates us to write that kind of music is derived from personal experiences, in some shape or form. When it comes down to Hayley’s lyrics she can be just as cryptic as she can be honest, the problem is you just don’t know when she is being which. SO YOU DON’T KNOW EITHER? Well no, not really to be honest. I don’t think she writes songs from very precise certain experiences. I think she explores ideas that might come from a multitude of her own or other people’s experiences. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO DESCRIBE YOUR MUSIC TO PEOPLE AND I’M KIND OF STRUGGLING, HOW WOULD YOU PERSONALLY DESCRIBE IT? I struggle too with that, I really don’t know at all. Sometimes I find it annoying - if we knew what type of music we were we’d probably find it easier to write songs. When people ask I say it’s sort of hopefully comes across as pop music with a bit of an edge to it.

YOU RECENTLY SUPPORTED THE PIXIES IN THE UK, HOW WAS THAT? It was incredible! I have to admit, I didn’t even get to say hi to Black Francis because when you’re a support band, next to a big band you almost purposely hide. You don’t want to say the wrong thing or get in anyone’s way. You’re just very humbled and happy to be on the tour at all. When we were sound checking on the last show at the Hammersmith Apollo Dave the drummer came down and we had a brief chat with him. He actually mentioned he liked my drumming, which was a bit of a career high for me. WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST FAN EXPERIENCE YOU’VE HAD AT A SHOW? Erm, sometimes we have meet and greets where people have won a competition to meet us - why they’d want that I have no idea – and they come into the room just sit there in silence and we don’t really know what to say. It’s not because we don’t want to hang out with them, of course we want to say hi and stuff. It’s just I’m a bit socially awkward anyway, so I find it hard to break through that. I WAS AT YOUR SHOW IN NOTTINGHAM, AND THERE WAS GIRL AT THE FRONT WHO KEPT GRABBING HAYLEY, HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THINGS LIKE THAT? That was pretty awkward, she was pretty full-on. I’m quite peripheral to that because I’m just the drummer. But it is all quite flattering and it’s nice that people are that connected to the music. Though sometimes in your head you’re going, you don’t really know me, so let’s have a conversation before you decide I’m a cool person. YOU SPENT 2013 LIVING IN LONDON, HOW DID YOU FIND THAT? I quite liked it really; it can feel quite cold and isolated at times. But it’s London, it’s a capital of the world and you’ve got the entirety of Europe on your doorstep and there is no part of me which didn’t want to know what that’s like. The thing I’ve discovered about London is it’s as good as

the amount of effort you put into it. You can’t just walk around and have a good time. You’ve really got to start digging around and find some favourite venues and cool places that you feel comfortable in, and then it turns into a really cool city - you just can’t tell from the surface. IS 2014 MOSTLY GOING TO BE SPENT TOURING? Ideally yes. We are going to book as many shows and festivals as we possibly can in 2014, just to tour the album. We wrote Prisoner and we toured for about 15 months, we did about 200 shows, and then we gave ourselves one month off and then started writing this album in 2013. Now we are going to tour in 2014 - so I definitely think we might be able to use a couple of months off between the end of this tour cycle and the start of writing the next album. Daniel Fine

Hip-Hop and Education The rise of the Uni Rapper Hip-hop: the raw, gritty genre of the music world. Originating from the lower classes of America - the music of ghettos. Many of the pioneers of rap music, like Tupac or Notorious B.I.G, didn’t have a high level of education– they didn’t really have the opportunity. Being an educated rapper is something of the ‘new school’; hip-hop was accustomed to artists coming from the hoods and then climbing up the ladder of success. Has the better education received by today’s artists changed the genre significantly? Today’s tracks have much more complexity than early hip-hop, but lyricism was just as prominent. Nas, a renowned artists of the 90s era, didn’t go to university, but is labeled as one of the most exceptional lyricists of all time. However, after dropping out of high school, Nas was said to study independently to try and broaden his vocabulary. Throughout his career, Nas coined some of most iconic lines in hip-hop music, so maybe his studying paid off effectively. In his ‘N.Y State of Mind’, Nas raps, "I never sleep 'cause sleep is the cousin of death”, which is one of the most quoted rap lyrics ever. One of my favourite Nas lyrics features in the song ‘The Message’: "There's one life, one love, so there can only be one king." From the 2000s onwards education really came into play – artists that had gone to university started gaining ground in the industry. Kanye West went to Chicago State University, where he majored in English. Diddy, Ludacris, 2 Chainz and amazingly, Lil’ Wayne are also amongst the rappers to have gone to university. Ironically, Lil’ Wayne and 2 Chainz are two of the poorest lyricists in the industry. Hey ho, not everyone is made for songwriting; the game needed some club-hits. As the backgrounds and lifestyles of hip-hop artists has changed, so have the topics they rap about. Tunes mainly focused on the rappers lives prior to fame, hustling and struggling. Now - for the most part – lyrics focus on money and women. Yes, that’s a stereotype, but for the most prominently played hip-hop tracks, it’s true. The ‘new school’ of rappers that are stepping out and making moves right now aren’t overpopulated with university graduates, but J. Cole and Wale also went to University. They both exemplify higher education, with their lyrical ability exceeding most others right now. However, neither Kendrick Lamar nor Drake went to university. Kendrick didn’t go any further than high school, and Drake dropped out of high school at 16 without graduating to focus on his acting career. Recently though, he went back to finish off his high school education and passed with exceptional grades. Over the space of just a few decades hip-hop has gone from being an underground genre to one of the most prominent genres in world music. Despite this rise in popularity and educated artists, one thing has remained constant… lyrical ability isn’t taught, it’s natural. Those who can rap – can rap. Oscar Berkhout

When you attend one of Miranda Hart’s shows, you must abandon all forms of skepticism, intellectual snobbery and pretenses of sophistication. With any of the above intact, you are not going to enjoy yourself. Luckily none of the 10 or so thousand people there had brought any such thing - if they had it to begin with - and as a result we all had a thoroughly (upper) middle class, ridiculous, wonderful time. The show was framed as an incredibly camp children’s party, which Miranda was hosting for the ginormous audience that faced her. The premise was her intolerance for the polite adult world, telling us she hadn’t enjoyed a party since her 6th birthday. She was therefore going to show us her ideal party, which included snacks (for the lucky few in the front row), sing-alongs, and even some match-making. The sincerity of her excitement won the crowd over immediately. A million miles away from the Jack Dee-style air of disapproval and general pessimism; Miranda isn’t afraid to have fun with the audience. An expert in social awkwardness, one of the highlights of the show was when she played match-maker on two 16-year old strangers, who were invited to come on stage, giggling

and blushing, and then sent off on a date during the interval. I have since been disappointed to learn that a suspiciously similar thing happened at the London show, with two 14-year olds. I fear now that it was rather planned, but it was nevertheless hilarious when, having sought out the only single man in the arena and given him her famous lunge of flirtation, he revealed his age as 16. Of course, the old classics from her self-titled sitcom were wheeled out; asides to the camera (even more effective due to the giant screens behind her), her relish for words such as ‘plunge’ and ‘moist’, and her fictional (or possibly not) mother’s catchphrase, ‘such fun!’ I was pleasantly surprised by the new energy she managed to bring to these well-worn jokes, and overall the show seemed much more like a traditional stand-up performance than I had expected it to. Although many people may scorn Miranda for being no more than farting and falling over, I would argue that what it really provides is an opportunity for us all to laugh at ourselves, and a suggestion that we should care a lot less than we do. The close to her show was spectacular: a video montage which enacted previous jokes was followed by Miranda’s reappearance on stage in a Beyoncé-esque glittering gold dress, strutting down the stage surrounded by golden explosions. Just because she can. Let’s face it, regardless of your politics or your keen interest in deconstructionist literary theory, acting like a child and/or Beyoncé is invariably more fun than being a regular adult. I left the Leeds Arena with a smile on my face and a new approach to life. Such fun! Anna Broadbent

HOROSCOPES

Uni2’s resident astrologer Mystic Ned gives the forecast for the next month. ARIES: Next Tuesday, at half past 2, you will meet a woman dressed in a zebra onesie at a set of traffic lights. She will give you a weird look before walking away.

TAURUS: You know that thing you've been thinking of doing? That thing you wanted to do for a while now but it’s kind of weird and you haven't told anyone about it? Do it!

GEMINI: The moon will be pointing away from you this month. Stay indoors.

CANCER: Beware of falling objects

LEO: Neptune will play tricks on you this month, adopt a pet goat, it will fix everything.

VIRGO: Keep it secret! Keep it safe!

LIBRA: You will be caught in a compromising position, in a car park.

SCORPIO: Someone in a black duffle coat will hand you a toaster. IT’S A TRAP!

SAGITTARIUS: Oh no, not again!

AQUARIUS: This month you will read a horoscope you think is rubbish

PISCES: This will be the last horoscope you ever read.

MUFASA: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of life. Remember who you are. Remember!

JOKES: How many landlords does it take to change a light bulb in a student house? 1… and a £300 call out fee Parents, if you love something, set it free. If it returns it probably can't repay its student loan. So what if Jesus turned water into wine? Once I turned my whole student loan into Vodka - your move Jesus. An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman go into a bar and each order a beer. The Englishman goes into debt, the Scotsman gets it for free and the Welshman pays half. As exam leave begins, male students across the country are faced with the same dilemma. How many wanks do I have today?

SHIT JOKE OF THE MONTH: What do you call a monkey that’s just finished university? A graduape… We’ll let ourselves out

Riddles: 1) You must keep this thing, its loss will affect your brothers. For once yours is lost, it will soon be lost by others. 2) What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Sometimes is written with 9 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5. 3) We love it more than life. We fear it more than death. The wealthy want for it. The poor have it in plenty. 4) Today he is there to trip you up and he will torture you tomorrow. Yet he is also there to ease the pain, when you are lost in grief and sorrow. 5) If you break me, I'll not stop working. If you can touch me, my work is done. If you lose me, you must find me with a ring soon after. What am I?

Answers: 1) Your Temper 2) What=4 letters, yet=3, sometimes=9, then=4, rarely=6, never=5 3) Nothing 4) Alcohol 5) A heart

(The K is silent)

The 3rd Knipple

This section will allow you a peek into our insular and daft world – in-jokes, irreverent articles and our attempt at wit, lie inside… Don’t think any less of us.

The Uni2 Mobile You may have seen me cruising around the city in my deathtrap of a car. A forty year old MG painted in bright purple and splattered with Uni2. (For those of you who haven’t, see the picture at the bottom) Buying a classic car seemed like a great idea at the time but has led to more break downs, ‘bosh’ fixes and near death experiences than I care to recount. So here are the best ones: Two’s company, three’s a crowd The car is blessed with two perfectly adequate front seats (and one working seatbelt); there is another ‘seat’ in the ‘back’ which resembles a long windowsill. I don’t think it was designed to be sat on, yet somehow this allowed MG to class the GT as a four seater. Soon after buying the car

I agreed to take two of my flat mates for a drive. Neither of them were of a svelte build, nor were they short. You’ll never see anything less majestic than a 17st, 6ft 3 male attempting to squeeze himself into the back of a tiny car. He tried several entry angles and numerous seating positions, none of which were successful. Suddenly an idea struck me; I could open the roof! I popped it open and all of a sudden my mate had his head sticking out of the car like a meerkat on the lookout. Imagine seeing someone whose shirt doesn’t fit, except it’s the car that doesn’t fit. He looked ridiculous, everyone we passed waved and gave us a thumbs up. Though I’m not sure the ‘meerkat’ enjoyed it, he keeps refusing my offer of a second drive. Throttled it I had just finished up at the office, and went to my car, I had offered Dan (our fantastically talented editor) a lift home. I put the key in the ignition, got it started, put my foot down and… snap. I looked over at Dan with wide eyes. He just asked

“is that supposed to happen?” I got out of the car to find that the accelerator pedal had snapped off. We walked home. 70 mile an hour rain On the way back from a meeting in Leeds, Dan and I were on the motorway when it started to pour down with rain. I flicked the windscreen wipers on, they promptly stuck in the middle of the windscreen. It was pouring it down and I couldn’t see anything. Dan attempted to fix this while I was driving. He zipped his coat up and wound down the window, then attempted to reach round and give the wipers a push. No dice. He opened the roof and tried to reach over and push them from there, but they still wouldn’t budge. I got my multitasking hat on and grabbed onto the steering wheel tight with my right hand, focusing as much as possible on the road ahead. I then reached up with my left hand, pushed back the roof, reached over the windscreen, gave the wipers a good flick and they finally started moving again. We were both soaked but at least now I could see the road and we were still alive.