Colours of Family

BY HEATHER BAIN Behavioural Teaching Assistant

SEEING RED

Transforming the dragon

A flying dragon is roaring, raining fire and smoke, creating havoc and destruction! People below are scrambling to get out of the way and prevent damage. A Knight in silver armour steps up to skillfully deflect the dragon’s fire and smoke, calm it and thus stop further damage. The Knight befriends the Dragon once peace is restored, sharing wisdom and teaching it to when use its fire. The term “seeing red” has me envisioning people in “dragon mode”. They are out of control, often verbally or physically aggressive, temporarily unable to problem solve effectively because of fight or flight response hormones, which are flooding their bodies. Getting angry is normal. Handling anger and teaching your children to deal with it can be complex. Behaviour is learned and children need clear strategies and practice navigating the expression of anger.

When my family was quite young, I read two books that saved my sanity as a parent and later, as an educator. The concepts made sense, were well explained and easy to apply. “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy- Kurcinka discussed having clear expectations, setting children up for success by talking through situations before they occur, possible consequences and the importance of established predictable routines.

“The Explosive Child” by Dr. Ross Greene PhD explained the mindset “children do as well as they can when lacking skills”, anger management can be learned, trigger events that may lead to an explosion can be identified and the Basket A, B and C method of problem solving can help children negotiate, learn and practice new strategies. I highly recommend both of them.

When a child is in extreme emotional distress at school, attempting to hurt others, themselves or damage property, I strap on my figurative armour and assist de-escalating tense situations and supporting students in “dragon mode”.

My armour includes a blend of strategies and approaches.

• Mentally I repeat “I am calm, cool, collected and in control.” Children who are out of control need adults who are calm and can assume control of a situation. Speak calmly, but firmly, in a clear low voice.

• Remember that children in “dragon mode” need simple language with 1 step instructions. Use the broken record method which is to repeat the phrase calmly, as many times as necessary, until the instruction is followed. Ignore attempts to engage you in a power struggle. Phrase instructions in a positive fashion. Tell what you want to see, not what you want them to stop. Say “Put the blocks down!” instead of “Don’t throw blocks at your brother!” Only give the next instruction after the preceding one has been completed. Keep them clear, simple and easy to follow.

• Separate adversaries and send them to neutral spots for time and space to cool down. Remove any audience after reassuring them that you are taking care of it, people get angry and need time to calm themselves.

• Offer choices, once the child starts to follow instructions. “You still seem angry/upset. Would you like to bounce a ball on the stairs or walk off your feelings to help calm down?” Others ways of calming themselves down can include deep belly breathing, drawing, working on a puzzle, building with Lego or some other type of physical activity. Wait for the child to engage in the activity, focus and settle down. Watch and note what works for your child so you can suggest it as a choice later as necessary. .

• Let them know that you will be talking over the incident once they are calm and ready to chat. People recover selfcontrol at their own pace. Allow some time, then ask your child if they are ready to discuss the situation. If not, set a clear timeline and expectation that the situation will be discussed.

Use the “Restorative Mindset Questions” to guide the conversation. They are an effective, prescribed set of questions that are asked in sequence to focus on understanding the other person’s point of view and repairing relationships and harm.

When speaking to someone who has caused harm…

(*It can be one or more depending on the situation. People can cause harm and then receive it.)

• What happened?

• What were you thinking at the time?

• Is there anything else you want to tell me?

• Who do you think has been affected by what you did? How were they affected?

• How do you think you can make things right?

When speaking to a person who was harmed...

(*It can be more than one person depending on the situation. Sometimes people receive harm and then cause it.)

• What happened?

• What did you think when you realized what had happened?

• What impact has this had on you? Was anyone else affected? In what ways?

• What has been the hardest thing for you?

• What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Have an open, respectful, turn taking discussion that encourages children to safely admit to and take responsibility for their choices, decisions and actions. Acknowledge their courage and honesty. Young children may need adult guidance but school aged children can identify positive options and create a plan to deal with similar circumstances in future. Children can use the plan next time, then reflect upon its effectiveness, evaluate and refine it and try again.

The first time is the hardest. It’s an ongoing process but it works once children get used to it. If you need more information, google the bolded titles or feel free to reach out with questions.