So Much To Tell You

C/W: mentions of child abuse

There is so much I want to tell you

But how do I even begin? How would you even take it? How can I say the words I want to say so that you understand? At our best times, I wish that I could hug you and say to you I love you. But in our culture, in our family that’s just not how things are. At our worst times, I want to scream at you and hurt you back by telling you how much you’ve hurt me. Instead I say nothing, go back to my room, rage and cry; that’s the way our culture is so that’s how our family is.

When I was depressed, when I felt worthless and tired and defeated and stayed home all day hating myself, you called me lazy. You argued with me constantly, you belittled me and only made me feel worse. There was so much I wanted to say; there was so much I wanted you to understand. Why can’t you give me a little bit of sympathy? Why can’t you support me?

I know you were raised like that too; I know your parents treated you worse, I know they loved your brother more than you, I know your life is infinitely harder than mine. I know it’s not really your fault you treat me like this and you did the best you could. But even with all that knowledge, it still hurts when you treat me the way you do. I wish I didn’t but I still cry when you do this. I thought I’m stronger now, I thought I’m colder now. You were the one who made me these things. You were the one who made me able to detach myself and hold my tears back. But you still break me even now.

I wish we could have a mother daughter relationship like the ones we saw on television, like the ones my friends tell me about. But that’s not how our culture is, that’s not how your mother raised you.

I

It’s hard to hate you when I told you I liked the peaches you brought home and the next day you bought me an entire tray of them. But it's hard to love you when in your worst moment you told me you wish you strangled me as a baby. But I think I still do love you (even if it’s hard to tell a lot of times). And I think you also love me (even if sometimes I think you don’t know how to). Maybe one day when circumstances are better, life a little easier, things will change (you will change) and I can say to you all the things I want to tell you. Not tomorrow but maybe one day? Maybe one day.

One day.