January 18, 2012

the InDePenDent VoICe oF Ut aUstIn

Jan 18, 2012

www.UweeklyaUstIn.Com

Vol 4 IssUe 01

January 18, 2012

05

occuPy:

10

How to get your girl

17

How badly do you want

27

uWeekly sits down

university of texas

to watch the game

to go to coachella

with nooner

pLus first party of the seMester at the austin Music haLL

top

doomsday theories

PLANET X Planet X is believed by many to be on a collision course with this rock of a planet that we call home. Somehow, this planet will soar its way past Neptune, Jupiter and Uranus all the way past the moon and smack right into us, killing us all. This will fulfill the totally logical and scientific deduction that, since the ancient people known as the Mayans didn’t make a calendar past 2012, we would all die and the world will end.

eND OF tIMe

preparing for 2012 there Was a tiMe When this stuff Was actually kind of scary.

It’s here. It’s finally here. 2012. This is the year we’ve all been waiting for; this is the year that the world will end. Yes, sir. Yes ma’am. This is it. The final days are among us. God has unleashed his apocalyptic horsemen, and they’re coming after you. On December 21, 2012 the sky will open up and rain fire upon us all, killing every last one of us. Hope you’re ready.

Now, there was a time when this stuff was actually kind of scary. TV and movies didn’t help, either, but lately doomsday prophecies seem laughable. Like most fears, now that we actually have to face it, the absurdity of it is all too clear. But if you’re still worried, upset and looking over your shoulder for God’s wrath, let’s go over the top five ways you’re going to perish this December 21.

From dorm room to bunker When the end comes, make sure you’re having a good time. Here are some quick and easy ways to prepare for your fiery grave.

thrOW a Party If this really is the end of times, might as well celebrate. If you don’t care about meeting your maker with Maker’s Mark on your breath, go for it. Make it big, loud and worthy of the last thing you’ll ever get to do on Earth.

KNOCK UP yOUr GIrLFrIeND

Fuck watches, clocks and alarms. After December 21, Earth will have reached “Infinite Complexity” and you will have no need for time, as it will have disappeared. Much like when Superman flew around the earth in the opposite direction of its rotation, somehow, magically, the clock stops and time will cease to exist. While this might actually reduce some of our society’s stress about time, we would have to survive the flaming balls of fire pouring from the sky first.

Since the main function of the human body is to reproduce, this is the perfect time to fertilize an egg. What if, by chance, your girlfriend is the last woman on Earth? She somehow manages to survive Planet X crashing into Earth, dodges alien probing, and makes due with the catastrophic pole shift. Wouldn’t you want to know that she’s carrying your baby who will then repopulate the Earth? I would. But you also have to be prepared to feed and clothe that little thing in case the world, for some strange reason, doesn’t end.

“if you don’t care about Meeting your Maker With Maker’s Mark on your breath, go for it.”

KILLer GeOMaGNetIC ShIFtS A popular amongst Doomsdayers, the theory that the north and south poles will switch positions actually seems to have some science behind it, but little else. At the very least, all of our technological communications will go haywire, and we just won’t be able to survive without them. Just like Y2K.

aLIeN INVaSION Now, since our government has had contact with aliens since Area 51, would this really be an invasion? It would be more like a homecoming, except this time, everyone’s invited. Get ready to get probed!

GOD’S hatreD It’s time to pay. Last time He drowned us, this time He’ll roast us. Say your Hail Marys and your Our Fathers, because this is it.

LIVe IN the WOODS If the woods were good enough for our ancestors, they’re good enough for you.

Throw away all your earthly possessions, and head out to the Green Belt. There’s sure to be other hippies and homeless people out there who will be happy to show you the ropes.

StOCK UP While you might be used to stocking up on beer and Ramen noodles, this is the perfect time to stock up on survival gear. You can buy thermal blankets, Swiss army knives, astronaut food and water filters (not the Brita kind). Now’s not the time to be cheap. Go for the Berkey. amanDa cHaPPEl

occupy ut activists ceLebrate Martin Luther king, Jr. day with Justice for education foruM Photo: karissa rodriguez

In an eFFort to Follow in the footsteps of Martin Luther King, Jr., Occupy UT members helped organize an education forum open to the public to re-expose what Occupy protesters have said is reminiscent of MLK Jr.’s message: society is fundamentally organized the wrong way.

As the opening speaker of Occupy UT’s forum, Robert King, a former political prisoner and member of the Angola 3, praised the small group of students and community members who gathered at Kealing Park following the MLK Day celebration march for choosing to raise awareness about the importance of changing today’s education system.

“This is something that should have happened decades ago,” said King during his speech. “[Marting Luther King, Jr.’s] principles and his ideas were very appealing. His idea for justice for everyone is the same idea which I have. It is the same idea that is worth fighting for.”

Occupy UT members focus on fighting for

justice for public and higher education. “[Occupy UT] continues the fight against budget cuts and tuition cuts [at UT],” said Bernadino Villaseñor, who identified himself as a member of Occupy UT. “We are trying to bring together some of the progressive groups because we learned that as we try to fight these single-battle issues in our own little groups we found that we weren’t really making any gains, and so the plan is to start building coalitions, working together and trying to build a cohesive student voice on campus.”

Currently Occupy UT’s immediate goal is to increase their membership. Students interested in attending one of the organization’s general assembly meetings can do so at 5 pm every Thursday in front of the UT Tower’s south steps.

In addition to protesting or raising awareness about education issues occurring at UT, at the Jan. 16 forum, Occupy UT partnered with Protect, Recognize, Innovate, Defend, Educate (PRIDE) of

the east side to boycott the Austin Independent School District board of trustees’ recent decision to partner with IDEA Charter Schools to operate Allan Elementary in East Austin.

Occupy UT partnered with PRIDE at the AISD board meeting on Dec. 20 to speak against partnering with IDEA Charter Schools,

Although the forum started later than originally scheduled, students who attended the event felt that what was being discussed at the forum was important and provided a healthy discussion of what could be done better in society.

“I came to Occupy UT’s forum because I agree with their message that the system is broken and we—average citizens—should take charge and stop letting the man control us and begin controlling them,” said UT student David Marks. “I just think that everyone understands that education is important, but there is an underlying corporate greed that is taking over our education system and I’m glad that there are groups like Occupy UT who are pushing education reform.” karissa roDriguEZ

“the Plan is to start building coalitions, Working together and trying to build a cohesive student voice on caMPus.” according to Villaseñor.

“The board ignored the community,” said Villaseñor. “This event is being held to keep up the momentum and energy that came out of that board meeting to show that ‘No, we are still fighting against this.’”

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

5

good deeds

there Is somethIng aesthetically rewarding about seeing thousands of grown men and women sprint through an American city dressed as gorillas. Aside from the thoughtful charity, the awareness initiatives, and, you know, the actual race, the core foundation behind the Austin Gorilla Run is that it seemed like a lot of fun.

“They had a Gorilla Run in Denver,” said Jordan Allen, one of the race’s creators. “It just seemed like something that needed to be in Austin.”

Yes, in the grand tradition of “let’s do something silly that also does good for something serious,” Austin’s Gorilla Run asks for a nominal donation to run a 5K race in a full gorilla suit to benefit the Mountain

This is only the second year of the Gorilla Run’s existence. Last year it gathered 800 runners, but things are looking even better this year.

“We’re hoping to break the Guinness Book of World Records, which is 1200 people in gorilla suits,” said Allen.

If there’s anything I’m sure Austin is capable of, it’s getting a monumental amount of people dressed in gorilla suits, running through downtown.

If anything, the Gorilla Run proves to me that any small idea coming from any level of resources can make a true resonance. Perhaps it’s Austin, but the fact that an organization only in its third year of existence and anchored by a guy as unassuming as Jordan

“We’re hoPing to break the guinness book of World records, Which is 1200 PeoPle in gorilla suits.”

Photo: Julie Patterson

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January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Gorilla Conservation Fund, an organization built to protect mountain gorillas in Rwanda, Uganda, and the Republic of Congo. Since 1985 they’ve raised the number of mountain gorillas in the region from 248 to 723.

“Once we learned more about the cause it was pretty clear we were doing the right thing,” said Allen. “It’s not even just saving gorillas, it’s educating people and funding veterinarians. It’s like people and planet.”

Plenty of Austinites want to do something communal and fun, and Austin is quite possibly the perfect city to have such an event.

“There are a lot of people really passionate about the cause, and there are so many causes in Austin and so many of them are civilly engaged,” said Allen. “I didn’t know anyone before the race who was really passionate about gorillas, but everyone is still happy to help.”

Allen is proof that even the underdogs can do some true good in this world. Something as silly and wonderful as the Gorilla Run deserves our respect and thanks. It keeps the spirit of this city alive, it makes for a good, happy distraction for the observer, and some undying memories for the participants. If we truly do live in a cynical world, the fact that next week a bunch of men, women and children will don gorilla suits and run a 5K to benefit our distant evolution ancestors a full ocean away should offer some respite.

The Gorilla Run will take place Jan 21. You can register online at austingorillarun.com/ registration, or visit the following locations: Hopfields, Jan 19, 6:30-8 pm; Runtex on Riverside, Jan 20, 11:30 am-6:30 pm; Austin City Hall, Jan 21, 7-8:55 am. lukE WinkiE

assayIng the oUtPUt oF hIgher education in Texas, Michael Bettersworth evoked the image of a crippled Apollo 13 craft hurtling into space, its future uncertain.

“Houston, we have a problem, and it’s not that too few people are going to college,” said Bettersworth, an associate vice chancellor at the Texas State Technical College System. “It’s that too many people are getting degrees with limited value in the job market.”

Students throughout Texas are amassing college credits without knowing whether they will lead to employment, and many face serious debt when they graduate.

Meanwhile, the state’s population of skilled laborers is aging and approaching retirement, and there is a dearth of recent graduates with two-year vocational degrees who can take on those jobs.

Experts say a retooling is in order if the state hopes to expand its manufacturing industry.

As the economy begins to show signs of life, efforts are under way at two-year colleges across the state to make programs more responsive to the labor market. Some Texas leaders are trying to reverse the trend toward encouraging students to attain the highest degree possible.

“It’s not that we don’t need engineers and Ph.D.’s and research scientists,” said Joe Arnold, a government affairs manager with BASF, a chemical company. “We do, but that’s not all we need. We need skilled craftsmen. We need operators.”

The Texas State Technical College System was established in 1969 with the mission of supplementing the state’s work force. Recently, the four-campus system joined Credentials That Work, a new project run by the Boston-based nonprofit Jobs for the Future, which uses new technology that scrapes information from

online job postings and provides real-time labor market information. The technology also offers information on which skills — in addition to simply which degrees—employers are seeking.

“Schools have to nail it pretty much in terms of producing graduates that respond to the needs of the marketplace,” said John Dorrer, the director of the Credentials That Work program.

However, even when degrees can be tailormade to fit companies’ needs, students still must be persuaded to pursue them. Mike Reeser, the TSTC chancellor, said there was “a

on employers for more support,” said Bettersworth, the associate vice chancellor.

Increasingly, manufacturing companies are taking the initiative by investing in community colleges in order to produce the workers they need.

This year, for example, BASF will give Brazosport College in Lake Jackson the final installment of a $1 million grant for the creation of a new facility devoted to the petrochemical, energy and nuclear industries. This academic year was also the first of five years in which the company would provide $50,000 in scholarships.

“Community colleges are workhorses for us,” Arnold said. “The problem is there aren’t enough people going to them seeking education that will put them to work for us.”

Arnold is on a Texas Association of Manufacturers committee that is looking into the causes. So far, he said, there certainly seems to be an image issue.

“People know that we need more manufacturing, but they don’t think of those jobs as something they want to send their kids to go do—or to do themselves,” he said.

But Leo Danna, 20, who enrolled at the TSTC campus in Waco after two years at Tarleton State University in Stephenville, said the switch has worked for him.

“That kind of college wasn’t right for me,” he said. “I couldn’t focus and didn’t understand what I was going to do when I graduated. Here, in the first semester, you’re already talking to companies in your field.” rEEvE Hamilton This article originally appeared in The Texas Tribune

“We’ve gotten coMPletely aWay froM the idea that We’ve got different talents and there are different aPProaches in terMs of education.” misperception in the country that the worst bachelor’s degree is more valuable than the best associate’s degree.”

Tom Pauken, the chairman of the Texas Workforce Commission, said one of his top priorities this year would be countering that notion. “I think we’ve got to revisit this entire issue,” he said. “We’ve gotten completely away from the idea that we’ve got different talents and there are different approaches in terms of education.”

Should Pauken’s campaign be successful, there will remain the matter of financing. With budgets being slashed at all levels of education, resources are tight, and more highly specified training is expensive.

“We have to be more efficient, we have to be more effective, and we have to rely

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

7

daypLanner

amanDa cHaPPEl

Publisher Michael Huereque

EvEnts on or arounD camPus try BeFore you Buy

January 17-23 Just in time for your New Year’s resolution of dropping that freshman five, the UT RecSports center is offering students the chance to try out any fitness class without a pass. This is, of course, in the hopes that you’ll love it so much that you’ll rush to buy one.

JoIn the Peace corPs January 18 If lately you’ve been thinking about ditching the whole college thing and doing something else with your life but not sure what, the Peace Corps might be for you. It’s a great way to stave off the “real world” for a bit while still making a positive difference in the lives of those around you Starbucks at 504 W 24th, 5:30-6:30 PM elIe wIesel: nIGht

January 19 Revisit sophomore year English class with the iconic story of the Holocaust with Night by Elie Wiesel. Warning: There is a 50 percent chance you will leave more depressed than when you arrived.

Blanton Museum of Art, 7-8 PM

thIrd thursday

January 19 It’s that time of the month again. No, not the time where you go out and buy Midol and crank up the heating pad. It’s that time where you bust a move over to the Blanton and partake in their righteous festivities. Yoga, books and art. What more could you want?

Blanton Museum of Art, 5-9 PM

wIcked January 25-Feb 12 The wickedly popular musical Wicked comes to town and graces Austin with its presence.

It will be in town for less than a month, so get off the fence soon about attending. Unless, of course, you’d rather travel to Chicago or NY the next time it’s performing there.

Bass Concert Hall

the scheduLe

WeDNeSDay, JaN 18

Kansas State, Manhattan, Kan., 8:00 PM

w Basketball Iowa State, Austin, Texas, 8:00 PM

FrIDay, JaN 20

entertainment Writers William M. Bass Devon Tincknell Sarah Vasquez Karissa Rodriguez Brett Thorne Elijah Watson Circulation Jeremy Tooker

w tennis Virginia, New York, N.Y., 6:00 PM

w track Auburn Indoor Meet, Birmingham, Ala., TBA

SUNDay, JaN 22

North Carolina, New York, N.Y., 12:00 PM

w Basketball Oklahoma, Norman, Okla., 11:00 AM

January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Sports Writers Ryan Betori Brian Bogart

Rice, Houston, Texas, 6:00 PM

Kansas, Austin, Texas, 3:00 PM

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Campus Writers Amanda Chappel Luke Winkie

w tennis

SatUrDay, JaN 21

ad Designer Terry Kennedy

Copy editor Daniel J. Frimpter

m tennis

m Basketball

art Director Jessica Caraway

editor–in–Chief Sarah Neve

your guide to aLL things burnt orange.

m Basketball

account executives David Avalos

tUeSDay, JaN 24

m Basketball

Iowa State, Austin, Texas, 8:00 PM

Brian Bogart

Intern Arryn Zech CONtaCt uweeklyaustin.com editor@uweeklyaustin.com facebook.com/uweeklyaustin PUbLISher Highbrow LLC abOUt UWeekly Austin

UWeekly Austin is an independent publication and is not affiliated with the University of Texas at Austin. One free copy per person.

Additional copies may be picked up at our office for .50 each. Opinions expressed are those of the writers/authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff or publishers of UWeekly. Not liable for omissions, misprints, or typographical errors. No part of this publication may be reproduced without the written consent of the publisher. © Copyright 2011 Highbrow, LLC

oPinion

that’s what SHE said.

Photos and interviews by Brian Bogart

what was the highlight of your winter break?

air it out

dear university of teXas student body, no oFFense, but you college students are f*cking annoying. We hear you bitching into your iPhones about how hard life is and we just want to scream, “Wait until you see the real world!” What is it exactly that you think makes your life so difficult? Skipping class and sleeping till noon? Blowing your parents Bevo’s bucks? Trying to figure out which frat you should black out at this weekend? Give us a break. Sure, studying sucks but trust us, things could be a lot worse. At least you’re still young, attractive and able to get falling down drunk without waking up to an apocalyptic hangover. That doesn’t last forever, you know.

Sorry. We didn’t mean to unload on you like that. We know you’re a good bunch of kids working hard to get an education. It’s just that college can be pretty frustrating sometimes.

From sadistic professors to snoring roommates, there’s a lot on campus that can get under your skin. And without a chance to bitch about it, a person can go insane. That’s why we’re introducing Air It Out. Starting after spring break, Air It Out is a UWeekly column where we hand the a part of this page over to you, our loyal readers, to let you gripe about whatever it is that’s getting you hot under the collar. Anything goes. We want to hear about your beef with the UT bureaucracy, how you feel about your neighbor’s 3AM weeknight parties, or just your general thoughts on drag rats. If it’s irritating and you’re angry, then you need to let us know.

But before you fire up your word processor to write 1,700 words on campus cuisine, let us explain the difference between “whining” and “ranting.” Whining is complaining that’s just as obnoxious as whatever you’re bitching about. Whining is life’s-not-fair moaning about how your professor gave you a B+ when you should have gotten an A and he’s mean and you worked really hard and... no one cares.

Ranting, on the other hand, should be both angry and entertaining. We want to hear apoplectic screeds about the indignities of everyday life, but we want other people to enjoy reading them as well. If you want to write a dry analysis of how UT ought to handle their budget, see if The Daily Texan has any room for it in The Firing Line. Because that’s not what Air It Out’s looking for.

So have a great spring break everyone. Try to relax, maybe a party a little, and let out all that mid-semester stress. But if when you get back you find that you’re still just as irritated as ever, let us know. We’ll help you Air It Out.

“Moving to a new apartment...then flying home to Austin, and [going to] all the New Years Eve parties.”

“I went to Africa to volunteer for two weeks and teach kids and old people physical education.”

“Went snowboarding, celebrated my birthday and ate my weight in desserts. Boom!”

“Traveling! Went back to Dallas for a bit, Chicago for Christmas and Shangai for New Years to visit my sister.”

taylor mcPhail

Felicia Fitzpatrick

erica hui

liz wasem

Sincerely, UWeekly “I worked as a medical assistant, studied for the MCAT, and traveled to California.”

Please send all Air It Out submissions to editor@UWeeklyaustin.com

Jennifer nordhauser

“Pfft, garbage. You’ve asked me like three questions today and I’ve come up with nothing. You tease me.”

ann-marie wold

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

9

staying inbounds getting your girlfriend invested in sPorts

she really could not give less of a sh*t.

Photo: Eli Watson

e are not only PrImates, we are men. I used to pretend like I didn’t like sports through high school because it seemed so unfashionable with all my gawking, fashionista friends. Thank god I grew out of that. Boys like sports. We just do; it’s in our nature. Lots of girls like sports too, but that’s a much riskier proposition. Earlier I got a text from a disappointed girlfriend who couldn’t rationalize why I’d be cooped up in a wing bar watching the Packers/Giants game instead of pregaming for the Golden Globes. I’m sure I’m not the only one. Getting a girlfriend into sports is not an exact science, but it is a noble cause. If only to prove to just one more female that it isn’t just a bunch of aimless machismo. Sure, a lot of it is, but there’s true poetry to such a boyish pastime. So here’s a breakdown of how to get your girlfriend into the wonderful world of watching sports.

Author’s Note: I’m obviously not talking to every girl here; plenty of intelligent women speak thoroughly and intelligently about sports, more eloquently than most men, really. This is more directed to guys like me who have girlfriends like mine.

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January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

footbaLL difficulty 6/10

Football has the problem of being easily the most masculine and douche-attracting sport on this list. Men are at their most animalistic in the depths of an important 4th quarter drive, and in those moments all the stereotypes about us are sadly, sadly true. I mean, we’re talking about a game where everyone on the field is facing a shockingly realistic threat of shredding their ACL and MCL in a span of four seconds. It’s also excruciatingly slow-paced, and utterly boring in some cases. Sure it’s America’s most popular sport, but that might be

because it’s easy to eat nachos to.

So how do you get your girlfriend into it? Well, the aforementioned nachos are a good place to start. Sure your girlfriend might hate football, but there’s no way she hates football food. Wings, chips, cheese puffs, deep fried pickles? These things transcend gender. Humankind has been known to travel far outside their comfort zone to eat fried pickles. So while you and your girl are munching off a few IQ points, go ahead and start deciphering the game for her. She might even find your dedication cute. Hopefully that will be enough to generate the momentum required to stick it out for an entire game,

but if not there’s always the intangibles.

Maybe she’ll be enamored with Clay Matthews’ statuesque mane, or relax in the striking eyes of Tom Brady. If all else fails you can hope she gets caught up in the pandemonium of a game-winning touchdown celebration in a homer bar. It’s like a Flaming Lips show: you don’t know you like them until you’re surrounded by their fans.

basebaLL difficulty 9/10

Talk about slow-paced! America’s Favorite Pastime should come with a pulse monitor. Endless pitcher stare-downs, meaningless batter rituals, disengaged

basketbaLL difficulty 5/10

Basketball seems like a fairly engaging sport. It’s got a relatively low learning curve, it’s fast-paced without being blinding, it’s got a lot of characters who aren’t hidden away in baseball caps or football helmets— by all accounts it should be a good place to start. However, like most sports, it’s pretty meaningless without context. So how do you fix that? Put it in context! Get a basketball, take your girl to the park, and run some 2-man post-up drills. Teach her how to sink a jump shot, or if she’s really daring, how to throw a lay-up. Not only will she find it cute (if you’re a good boyfriend, that is), but she’ll have a solid, if playful, foundation to go on next time you put on

“there’s gonna coMe a tiMe in the distant future Where scientists discover the gene that causes soMe otherWise sensible huMan beings to enJoy gaMes like baseball and cricket.” pop-flys, the fact that the best players in the world are only expected to hit the ball a third of the time they’re at bat—this sport turns off girls for the complete opposite reason football does. However that didn’t stop me and a girl sitting on a floral couch, splitting a veggie pizza, and watching the Rangers drop Game 2 on a tiny, out-ofplace plasma screen. It can happen.

However, there’s basically no way to teach it. There’s gonna come a time in the distant future where scientists discover the gene that causes some otherwise sensible human beings to enjoy games like baseball and cricket. It honestly doesn’t make much sense, but for me, the sound of a baseball game as the background noise of whatever I’m doing is weirdly comforting. If your girlfriend isn’t already one of these people, you may be out of luck. Perhaps try rubbing her feet while a pitcher goes through his rotation and create a feel-good Pavlovian reaction?

a basketball game. She might even try to impress you with her newfound knowledge.

With luck that might develop into an actual appreciation for the game.

hockey

difficulty 6/10 I am a child of the sun-kissed hills of suburban San Diego. I had literally no reason to know anything about hockey. I got into the sport via brute force, by watching L.A. Kings games until I figured out the rules and had a cursory understanding of line strategy.

I did this not just because I’m insane, but I felt a dedication to my self-proclaimed worldliness. There’s a certain elitism that comes with being a hockey fan who’s not from the Northeast or Canada. And guess what? Your girlfriend probably wants that elitism too, and that’s how you’ll get her.

In reality hockey might be the bro-iest sport of all of these listed, but only north of the border. Getting your girl into hockey is entirely dependent on your ability to sell the sport as a chic invention of the thoughtful, polite, and intelligent Canadians. Separate it entirely from the dude-bro stigma that makes her sick of football and basketball, and she might have enough invested interest. Enough invested interest to get over the annoyances of not being able to track the puck and to bite her tongue when she witnesses her first brawl.

soccer

difficulty 5/10 Soccer is long, arduous, low-scoring and often frustrating. We’re talking about a sport that airs misses as highlights. If you had a dad like mine (which is to say, a dad who was from London) you were watching the World Cup when you were 12. I used to think that something like

soccer took an organic, from-birth process, like how every kid born in Brazil is kicking a ball before they can walk. But the recent renaissance and interest in European football has obviously proven me wrong.

There is a way, perhaps, for your girlfriend to fall in love with the beautiful game.

You could try the hockey process of selling it as a worldly, classy game, but there have been enough YouTube videos of enough young English hooligans smashing each other with bricks after an Arsenal loss that they probably know better by now. Your best bet? Ronaldo’s face. Unlike the padded monstrosities of football and hockey players, the dumpiness of baseball players, or the lanky goliath of basketball players, soccer athletes are well-rounded sex-machines. Every shred of fat is shredded off into a lean, muscled machine. Let’s not forget that they all have accents. It may be shallow, but it might make your girl the biggest Premiership fan in Texas, even if she picks her team based on abs. lukE WinkiE

(NEXT TO 2610 GUADALUPE

KERBY LANE)

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We’ve only made it to the championship round thus far into the NFL postseason and, already, it has proven to be quite a juicy run to the Lombardi trophy. So far we’ve seen the Broncos’ shocking upset of the Pittsburgh Steelers, as well as subsequent pounding from the New England Patriots. We’ve seen the San Francisco 49ers prove they are for real against the Saints in an absolute shootout, and we watched the Houston Texans make franchise history by merely making into the postseason in the first place. Do I know who’s going to win it all in the end? Hell no. Is that gonna stop me from predicting who the winner will be? See the previous answer. Ravens win it all against the Niners, 21-17.

OK, I’m just going to come out and say it: This year’s UT basketball team is just not as good as we’ve been used to in the last couple years. I know Texas basketball is synonymous with the many shortcomings that involve elite talent paired with not-so-elite execution, but fans have at least had the feeling that Texas could beat any team it was facing on a given night.

That feeling just isn’t as apparent this year as it has been in years past.

Sure, the talent is there— it always is—but some of the errors this team is making are just inexcusable for a squad that is trying to break past the first couple of rounds in the NCAA tournament like this group of Longhorns are. But hey, that’s just what happens when your three best players declare for the draft.

their programs: Baylor, Stanford, Oklahoma State, and Oregon.

Football programs that are seriously benefiting from the talent that is staying: Wisconsin, Michigan, Texas, and Arkansas.

I don’t think I’ve addressed this in any of the prior articles so I’m just gonna go ahead and get it out of the way: The Baylor athletic department is on a serious tear. Apparently whenever they say “winning is contagious,” they actually mean it, especially when you consider that Baylor football is coming off of the best season it’s ever experienced since it became a member of the Big 12, and that Baylor men’s basketball is still one of three teams that remains undefeated. At least now we know what it’s like for other schools in the conference to compete with Texas year-in and year-out, huh? For what it’s worth, I fully expect this surge of athletic greatness to be more of a flash-in-the-pan than a sustained string of longstanding accomplishments, but my hat goes off to the Bears of Baylor nonetheless.

Slowly but surely, the changing of the guard is taking place in the world of the NBA and, appropriately enough, it comes on the heels of a lockoutshortened season. While this frantic pace of basketball games only serves to accelerate the retirement of a handful of older players, it’s also been paramount in providing a stage for tomorrow’s stars to take over the basketball world.

Brian Bogart

Football programs that are screwed for next year given the talent that is leaving

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January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

What Have We Learned?

My top five takeaways from the football season that was I know there are only 16 games in a season, and I know we always clamor that we want more, but let’s face it: the football season is long. So long, in fact, that when it started, Rick Perry was still a viable presidential candidate, Tim Tebow was still a 3rd string quarterback, and Kim Jong-Il was still the dictator of North Korea.

These days, things are looking quite different.

Rick Perry’s presidential nomination is dead in the water, Tim Tebow managed to win the starting job in Denver and become a winning postseason quarterback, and the now-late Korean dictator has put a lot of impersonators out of business. But most importantly, dear reader, I have learned this football season, and in learning I hope to impart to you some of the knowledge I have gathered. So without further ado, I present the five most important things I have learned from the 2011 regular season.

surpass the mark for highest passer rating in a season with 122.5.

All of this fantastic quarterback play and yet one crucial piece to the puzzle was missing: Peyton Manning. Even with Manning on the sidelines for the entire year (even with the future of his career very much in question to many), plenty of QBs still managed to pick up the slack and give us an aerial display every Sunday, hence why 2011 was dubbed by many as the “Year of the Quarterback.”

2

Vince Young can still play ball

I know I know, he only started in three games all year and lost two of them in shaky performances, but there were also times where you saw flashes in Young’s play that indicated that he knew exactly where

The 2011 Packers were just about as close to perfection as you could get it, yet only ended up proving that no team is immune to the injury bug.

1

This is the greatest era for quarterbacks we have ever encountered in the NFL.

Granted, over the last few years the rules of the NFL have gradually shifted in favor towards signal-callers everywhere, allowing teams to accumulate more throwing stats over the course of the game. But Tom Bradys, Drew Breeses, and Aaron Rodgerses just don’t grow on trees. That was clearly reflected by all the records we saw shattered by this damn impressive crop of elite quarterbacks currently in the NFL. We saw Dan Marino’s single-season passing record broken by the kid from Westlake, Texas. We witnessed Cam Newton completely shatter the rookie single-season record for most passing and rushing touchdowns from a quarterback. We even got to see Aaron Rodgers

he was on the football field and was having fun with it. His squeaker of a win against the Giants on the big stage was another testament to his lifelong affinity for “clutchness” and his combination of a cannon arm and freak athleticism still makes him a viable candidate to maybe getting a starting job after his season with Philly is all said and done.

3

Going undefeated is really fucking hard.

There’s a reason why no team has yet to go 19-0 and there’s a reason why the only time an NFL team did go undefeated, they still only played 17 games. Like the Patriots of 2007, the Green Bay Packers came oh-so-close to obtaining perfection, but ultimately slipped at the hands of the Kansas City Chiefs. The fact that Green

Bay lost to such an average team only serves as a testament to the level of competition in this league, and when you have a bull’s-eye on your back week-in and week-out for having such a sparkling record, you’re going to get every team’s best shot.

Will we ever see a team go 19-0? Well, that depends on whether or not the league ever decides to extend the regular season by another two games. But the 2011 Packers were just about as close to perfection as you could get it, yet only ended up proving that no team is immune to the injury bug and that, well, winning 19 games in a season is really fucking hard.

4

Hits to the head are destined to be a thing of the past.

No matter what stories develop over the course of a season, the underlying plot in recent years has been about player safety, especially when it comes to head injuries. It was no coincidence that this season we saw refs throwing more flags at tackles that merely gave the impression of looking dirty rather than actually being illegal hits than ever before, and that trend doesn’t appear to be going away any time soon.

With the way the NFL is trying to shape the game, it’s only a matter of time before players become more savvy to the continuously developing rules of football and turn it into a different product than the one we’re used to seeing. I’m not saying it’s a change that will happen overnight, but it’s a movement that has already started whether we like it or not.

5

The Cowboys will continue to be perennial underachievers as long as Jerry Jones is running the show.

I mean, I think that one explains itself.

Remember when the Cowboys were winning Super Bowls? Yeah, I hardly do too, because I was five. Jerry has done a great job turning the Dallas Cowboys into one of the most commercially viable brands in professional sports worldwide, but when it has come to fielding good teams, JJ has whiffed and then some.

Hand over the reins, Jerry. I don’t even care if you keep making it look like you’re the one making all the decisions, just do it.

Brian Bogart UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

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this Week in face punchin’

talk is cheaP cheaP, twitter is free

Why verbal sParring is all We’ve yet to gain froM the longstanding feud betWeen Manny PacQuiao and floyd MayWeather wIth new teChnologICal InnoVatIons like twitter bridging the gap between people of renown and their fans, the internet is now becoming the new medium for people to shoot themselves in the foot right in the public eye. while stories about twitter on tV and the news @FloydMayweather: “Manny Pacquiao I’m calling you out let’s fight May 5th and give the world what they want to see.”

Remember when fighters called each other out over a microphone in the ring they just fought in instead of hiding behind a computer monitor and a keyboard (or smart phone)? Man those were the days. At least this tweet is something we haven’t seen at all between Pacquiao and Mayweather in the last two years and that is one of the fighters making a direct attempt to call the other one out. Whatever you do in the Twitterverse, however, just don’t piss off Jason Ferra, who eloquently typed out this response to the former pound-forpound king: “ur a dirty knuckle draggin pussy, manny’s gunna rape u in the ring then ur gunna get raped in prison.” And you wonder why I think the news pays too much attention to Twitter?

@cytrum: “Maybe if Manny Pacquiao grew out his hair, @ FloydMayweather would have a chance at beating him.#Dom esticViolenceAintCool#TheMo neyTeam” Maybe figuring that a domestic abuse joke was the best course of action to show that that “#domesticviolenceaintcool,” user Charlie Trum reminds us of one of the biggest roadblocks standing in the way of this fight: Mayweather’s criminal record. Since pleading guilty and receiving a three-month sentence for domestic dispute charges, a judge has granted Mayweather one more fighting date before he has to report to jail in early summer: May 5th. While that’s a date both Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao are used to fighting on, there only appears to be one clear shot at this before Mayweather goes to jail and Pacquiao goes on to pursue a political career in the Philippines. Even though the window of opportunity is clear as day, that still doesn’t mean both sides are going to put enough of their egos aside to come to terms. We can sure as hell hope, though, and at least @cytrum came up with the suggestion of Manny Pacquiao growing out his hair so Mayweather will fight him.

@TristenShortUSJ: “Floyd Mayweather Jr. And 50 Cent Took Pictures Of Themselves With Stacks Of Cash In A Vegas Hotel Room “ 14

January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

are far more frequent than I would like to see, twitter does provide at least one useful service for a sports writer looking to compose a story about the standing feud between boxers Floyd mayweather and manny Pacquiao: limitless ammunition and a whole lot of entertainment.

Now that’s just wrong.

@danrafaelespn: “FYI: While #Giants game is going on I couldn’t care less about Pacquiao-Mayweather possibilities.”

Well that may be true, ESPN boxing writer Dan Rafael, but that game is only temporary relief for what has been a two-and-a-half-year-long headache in trying to get this fight signed. Plus, you’re a Giants fan and ever since they ripped the souls out of Cowboys fans everywhere (ahem), I’m eager for their playoff departure at the hands of the 49ers.

At least we can agree that thinking about whether or not this fight gets made is something that perpetually occupies the back of our minds, so good for us.

@manfr0mmanila: “I’m getting tired of this pacquiao vs may weather jr. Drama. Let’s stop talking and just get in the ring for the sake of boxing.”

Oh “manfr0mmanila,” you truly are a king amongst men . . . from Manila. Even as an unabashed Pacquiao fan, who would check in as a slight underdog, you want nothing more than for boxing to be like any other sport where the best fight the best on a regular basis. I’m right there with you man, and if you have any suggestions you should let me know and we can combine our resources and see what we come up with. You’re right about one thing, though: This fight truly is “for the sake of boxing” in just about every sense of the word. Let’s hope the athletes themselves do what they can to support the best interest of their own sport. I don’t think that’s a sentence I should ever have to type, but maybe I’m taking crazy pills here. Then again, maybe the crazy pills are the only thing that can keep me sane when it comes to covering the crazy world of professional boxing.

Have a sports related question you want answered in UWeekly? Tweet it to me @ brianebogart or email brian@bogart.us and you just may be lucky enough to make it into next week’s issue.

Brian Bogart

turning a Leaf It’s a new year! A new semester! You have every excuse in the world to turn over a new leaf, make some qualified investments, clean your act up, and dust yourself off. The early days of January should be your motivational peak, and UWeekly has your best interests in mind. As you take your first gentle steps into this bold new horizon, here’s our guide to make your dorm room, and yourself, a better, more sustainable, less grotesque machine going forward. Consider them New Year resolutions for a generation that eats Big Bite more than three times a week.

buy a rice cooker We deal in classic square meals in college.

Mainly because exceeding anything beyond basic necessities tends to hurt our wallets pretty badly. From ancient Sumeria, imperial China, and locked-down North Korea, a bowl

of rice has been the way to go. Sustainable, delicious, and humbling; as you scrape the last bits of soy sauce-soaked grain from a bowl you haven’t washed since 2009, you’ll feel strangely at peace. Nothing beats getting full on the last vestiges of your resources.

get a dumbbell I estimate I waste somewhere between 4 to 8 hours aimlessly wandering through the internet each day. The scary thing is that I know I’m not the only one. So the next time you’re on your 9th YouTube video of the night, why not do some curls? You don’t even really have to, you know, work out. Just do enough so you don’t feel like a sunlight-allergic sexless slob.

Trust me, it’s good for you to not feel that way.

stop hanging out with the same people every friday Are you depressed? Anxious? Feeling displaced and discomforted? Are your friends’ quirks mutating from being charming and engaging to astoundingly annoying? We all have periods like this, and generally it means you need to start hanging out with some other fucking people. There’s nothing sadder than isolating yourself in the corner of a party,

roll-calling the exact same faces as usual. All the girls are still dating the same guys; you’re treading water. Join a club, go to a show, or just talk to that dude who makes the good jokes in class. Nobody wants to crash on the same couch for a college career.

stop letting your bedtime get out of hand A few nights ago I slept from 5 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. I was not out partying, or drinking, or doing anything of great importance; in fact I was watching videos of a dude play through

all of Donkey Kong Country 3. There are no excuses for that. If we could make a collective effort to stop abusing ourselves with our sleeping schedules, we very well might be able to change the world.

buy something to make your silverware drawer somewhat manageable We don’t know each other, but I’m going to guess that your forks, knives, spoons, ladles, and token pizza cutter is all sprawled out in some generic heap, probably in the most convenient drawer under the sink. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all imagined our mom’s resentful eyes as we pulled it open. Maybe this semester invest in one of those plastic molds to keep the area at least somewhat respectable. A world where all the forks are neatly next to all the spoons is a happier place for all of us.

take care of that outstanding credit balance before you go to the mall “But UWeekly!” you cry. “It’s so easy just to make the minimum $25 dollar payments! I mean, whenever I log on to my account it’s a selectable option, and there’s obviously no way it might come back to bite me in the ass. I can afford everything given enough time!”

Oh these justifications are familiar to many of us trying to avoid the looming realities of credit debt. Just pay it off and bite down hard for a month and breath easily. Teetering on the edge of financial Armageddon is no way to go through college. I mean, it’s pretty common for kids like us, but that doesn’t make it any more reassuring. lukE WinkiE

get your ass to indio!

a feW tiPs to Make those coachella dreaMs slightly More feasible I’m goIng to go aheaD and assume you were one of the couple thousand kids who blew 300 bucks this weekend after Coachella tickets went on sale. As you probably know, they are now completely sold out. Good for you! You beat the rush. Now you have to deal with the looming, lopsided balance you put on your “emergency” credit card. It’s all justifiable, of course. Youthful odysseys to the wonderful deserts of eastern California to see hundreds of bands and do hundreds of drugs is clearly what we’re put on this earth for. But we ought to be somewhat responsible, so here are a few tips to keep your financial situation somewhat sane in the months leading up to your journey.

cut down on the shows Austin has an issue of having too many shows.

Literally every weekend is just beckoning for your money thanks to a convenient spot on the map for a tour schedule, and a lot of clubs willing to book your average road band. This leads to a lot of problems, mainly because we often feel obligated to go out on a Tuesday, because if we don’t, well, we’re clearly not taking advantage of our city. Coachella could be your perfect solution: the ideal excuse to avoid a gig, you’re just saving up energy and funds for the looming live show mecca in April! I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to any shows—that wouldn’t be keeping Austin real—but here’s my rule: Only buy tickets for a band who has 3 or more plays in your iTunes.

figure out a car pool So you could feasibly buy tickets to San Diego, hook up with some friends, grab a communal car, and make the two-hour drive out to Indio in mid-April. But we ought to be realists. If Coachella is going to happen, we know full well it’ll emerge out of a multi-day road trip crammed in the back of a dark brown Toyota. Nobody wants to make that trip alone, especially when you consider the gas money. Gas money is literally the bane of every hopeful attempt at a road trip. If you’re lucky, you might have some friends who were crazy enough who bought passes like you, but it’s far more likely you’ll be forced to find some opportunistic road-trippers on the internet. That’s okay, some of the most lasting relationships are built on the internet.

“the Post-coital WarMth that coMes froM having a five guys Patty deeP in your abdoMen is a haZy nirvana for at least tWo hours. but if We continue to Pay 12 dollars for lunch every day, We’ll never coMe close to Making it out to indio in sPring.” stop showering Think of all the money that goes into a shower.

The water bill, the hair-product, the soap, the deodorant—what a waste! You’re not going to be taking a shower for three days when you head out to Coachella, so why not start now? You’ll save money, and by the time April rolls around you’ll have such a crusty exterior you’ll be impervious to all elements. That’s the way to prepare for an extended amount of time in the desert. Maybe

you’ll evolve into such a shaman that you’ll be able to sleep right on the sand.

stop going to five guys I know, I know, they dish up so many fries and they actually put green peppers on their burgers. It’s pretty hard not to drop in every time you drive by. And the post-coital warmth that comes from having a Five Guys patty deep in your abdomen Is a hazy nirvana for at least two hours. But if we as a people continue to pay 12 dollars for lunch every day, we’ll never come close to making it out to Indio in spring. So next time you drive by Five Guys, think not of their delicious, juicy burgers and beautifully spiced fries; instead, think of Radiohead and Dr. Dre.

get paid money to write silly things about going to coachella I’ve actually crunched the numbers, and my usual contributions to UWeekly will actually add up to enough cash to cover the travel expenses necessary to get me back west for Coachella. Also, we’re hiring. You could use UWeekly like a part-time job built to pay off a traffic ticket, but a traffic ticket that involves seeing Pulp in their first U.S. show in over ten years. Good luck! lukE WinkiE UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

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blue ivy carter droPs hot fire; eXpect MiXtape in near future The soon-to-be week-old Blue Ivy Carter, daughter of power couple Jay-Z and Beyonce, has unintentionally made herself a part of the music game. Featured in her father’s song “Glory,” Blue makes her debut towards the end of the song with a definitive cry. “Glory,” now a viral sensation, has even put the newborn on the Billboard’s chart at number 74. If Blue follows through with her budding musical career, she could easily be endorsed by the event planning firm, cake baking company and medical marijuana that shares her name (success is only defined by the strain of medical marijuana named after yourself, after all). Borrowing and altering a few lyrics from momma Beyonce’s “Bootylicious,” I don’t think any of us are ready for the jelly that baby-licious Blue has to offer. soon. “I think you have to have so much trust in who you support...because if that person or company does something [bad], it reflects on you,” Tebow told the Associated Press. So for those hoping for a Tebow-endorsed Rick Perry comeback after the candidate’s undeniable fuck-up known as “Strong,” keep dreaming.

coLbert for President!

coacheLLa seLLs out in two hours, becoMes 2012’s first MaJor World ProbleM

problem, both weekends immediately sold out as soon as tickets were available. I’ll leave it at this: If 2012 is truly the end of the world, those who partook upon the events of Coachella will have plenty of bragging rights.

“Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre? I am getting so high.” “Justice? AVICII? I am going to roll and shuffle until the sun rises.” “At the Drive-In? Refused?” You get the idea. Coachella has done it again; people from around the world will be making a journey to one of the year’s first music festivals, and considering the lineup, there is plenty to be excited about. As if expanding the event to an additional weekend would be a

tebow and the gop?

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January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

The GOP presidential candidates have Tebow fever; at least every candidate except Jon Huntsman has, at one time or another, made a reference to Tebow or had such a reference made for him by a supporter. Although sought by most Republican candidates, Tebow does not plan on endorsing any of them any time

Political news satirist Stephen Colbert announced on his show, “The Colbert Report,” that he will be running for “President of the United States of South Carolina.” Yes, Colbert is a genius.

He’s already proving to be a promising candidate: He has a PAC run by fellow henchman Jon Stewart (the group’s name is the “Definitely Not Coordinating with Stephen Colbert Super PAC”), attacked rival Mitt Romney, gained the trust of South Carolinians by simply sharing the “state’s initials,” and even polled ahead of Jon Huntsman.

His motives for causing such an orchestrated scheme? To show some of the absurdities of the 2012 race, but, more importantly, to prove one thing: He is a straight-up badass.

Eli Watson

3016 Guadalupe Street www.frockonvintage.com UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

neW year’s hoMoLutions it’s never too late to start tWeaking your neW year’s resolutions we all Do It, and you’ve probably done it too. You’ve probably made a list of the things you want to change during 2012.

From losing weight to getting straight As, no perceived flaw escapes the scrutiny that New Year’s resolutions bring. It’s during this time of year that we are the most hopeful about our future, and the hardest on ourselves about our shortcomings.

In our quest for external perfection, we might overlook much of the internal work that needs to be done by believing that if external conditions are perfect, we’ll be happy, whole and peaceful. But that’s simply not true.

As homosexuals, our work is cut out for us. Not only do we have to navigate a heterosexist world that merely tolerates gays, we also have to look within ourselves to figure out and erase our own destructive tendencies. Although being gay has its own set of perks ranging from hot, forbidden sex to being automatically accepted into a tightknit and supportive family-like community, it can come with steep price and steep learning curve to go along with it.

As we review the year that’s past and the year that’s coming up in all of its homolicious glory, we can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Let’s just hope that, as a community, we can learn from each other’s mistakes and forge ahead in our pursuit for inner and outer tranquility.

In that vein, let’s make some new New Year’s resolutions, homo-style.

new year’s homolutions for 2012: don’ts this year, I will not crush on straight people.

This is a tough one for many of us. Since we are attracted to the same sex, it’s normal to desire straight-looking people. The only problem is

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January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

that the majority of straight-looking people are, indeed, straight. While gender presentation does not equal sexual orientation, it’s a tricky game.

Unless the object of your lust is actually gay, and you know this to be a fact, it’s best just to stay away. As gays, it’s fun and exciting to exploit a person’s bisexual curiosity, to test the waters and tempt a lamb into the lion’s den. It can make you feel potent and desired. The only problem is that the only person you’re fucking, is yourself.

A straight person is a straight person, even if they do allow you to be their experimental guinea pig. As kryptonite is to Superman, straights are to gays. They can bring even the most liberated,

At the time, it seems like no big deal. It can even be life affirming. But when the buzz wears off, the hangover sets in and the sun starts to creep in through the mini-blinds, you look over at the person you just slept with and you realize you fucked up, big time.

This particular behavior has led to countless broken relationships and countless deaths via sexually transmitted diseases. Any way you slice it, it’s self-abuse and self-abandonment.

It shows that you don’t care about yourself enough to have protected sex with someone whose name you can recall on command. Even if you are just looking for a quick lay, you can at least know the person for more than twelve hours before going down on them.

“This year, I will not get belligerently drunk and sleep with the first person that comes along, especially if I met that person in a dark, crowded bar.” this year, I will stay away from cougars, pumas and daddies. Age differences are hot, and the lure of someone older, wiser and more sexually experienced is intoxicating. Add a dash of liquid courage and—ta

“a straight Person is a straight Person, even if they do alloW you to be their exPeriMental guinea Pig.” loud-and-proud queer to their knees.

“This year, I will not allow myself to crush on straight people because I love myself too much to go after someone who will only cause my emotions to roller coaster without giving me an orgasm.” this year, I will not drunk fuck. Another favorite practice amongst gays is to fuck while drunk because it’s easy to take home someone you just met on the dance floor or at your favorite bar. Or simply because the only time you have the courage to approach another person of the same sex is when you’ve been drinking.

The magical combination of flashing lights, dance beats, whiskey and a hot, sweaty body grinding up against you can be enough to knock sense and judgment right out of your head. This can often lead to engaging in the most risky sexual behavior out there: sleeping with someone you just met while you’re hammered.

da!—you have a recipe for an affair with an older gent or lady.

If all you want is a casual sexual relationship with someone who can teach you a thing or two in bed, then go for it. If you’re looking for love, commitment, a house, kids or marriage, this probably isn’t the best option.

Think of why they might want such a younger lover. Is it to be a rescuer, to feel superior or to feel young and desired again? Why might you be attracted to someone decades older? Are you working out an issue you have with one of your parents or feel validated by their attention? Check your motivations and theirs before proceeding. If you’re still unsure, just walk away.

“This year, I will not enter into a sexual or romantic relationship with anyone 10 years or older than myself without fully weighing the consequences and motivations first.”

new year’s homolutions for 2012: dos this year, I will improve my gaydar with great skill and accuracy. Guessing, wondering, hoping, and speculating can be amusing. The mystery involved in the “are they or aren’t they” game can be quite addicting, but, at some point, the game has to end.

How many hours of your life will you spend wondering, casually flirting and obsessively Facebook stalking the person in question until your circle of friends tell you to shut the fuck up about it?

Not all people who are gay look gay. Not all people who look straight are straight. In 2012, it’s more important than ever to look past stereotypes and gender presentation and be upfront with one another. Dare to be bold and ask the question, “Are you gay?” The only way to have perfect gaydar is to remove the guesswork from the game. The more gay people you know, the easier it will be to spot them in a crowd, even if they don’t know they are yet.

“This year, I will improve my gaydar with the great skill and accuracy that comes from being honest and upfront about who I am and expecting others to do the same.” this year, I will stay broken up with my ex.

It’s tempting to get back with your ex, even if for a night. The familiarity of your ex, the drama, the forged bond and sexual chemistry can be hard to let go of. At any rate, they’re an easy Plan B when your new crush doesn’t work out.

But like a wise man once said, getting back together with your ex is like taking a shower and putting on yesterday’s underwear: it’s just gross.

There’s a reason you two didn’t work out the first time, and chances are things won’t work out this time either. Do both of you a favor and move on.

“This year, I will stay broken up with my ex, forgive any hurt I experienced and allow new love interests to come into my life.” this year, I will find alternative ways to connect with the gay community. Believe it or not, there are plenty of other ways to meet and connect with other gays that don’t involve strobe lights or Brittany’s latest single. You can even, gasp, get to know other gays without the uniting forces of alcohol and drugs.

There are plenty of groups, associations and causes that involve gays. There are even churches and spiritual centers that have a place that gays can come together in a positive way and build community. Find some and get involved. amanDa cHaPPEl

ARRYN ZECH

What better way to begin a new year than to talk about all the kick-ass and not so kick-ass games of yesteryear?

Fus-Ro-Dah bitches Naturally Skyrim will be on the list of pretty cool games. I’ve finally been able to play the game and enjoy it like everyone else. I hate myself for getting the extremely nerdy jokes and wanting to punch everyone who mentions taking an arrow to the knee. So, naturally, much as it pains me to say it, Skyrim is a great game. Slaying dragons, picking locks, and running around the beautiful world that was created for you to explore.

Attack of the Sequels Let us not forget about the sequels that came out this last year, Dead Space 2 and Mass Effect 2.

Dead Space returned with Issac Clarke in an all new scary-as-shit adventure. Though I didn’t play the game myself, I got the pleasure of watching a friend play. I don’t handle scary games very well. One thing that is noteworthy for any of the Dead Space games is its amazing sound design.

In January, Mass Effect 2 was also released.

Along with the awesome story line and even better group of characters, each with their own unique personalities. GLaDOS, great fight scenes, I’ve never seen so Cave Johnson, Wheatley, and the evermany loaded saves in my exciting duo of Atlas and P-Body life. The game gives make Aperture Labs the you the ability to perfect place for testing. create love lives What you do Unlike the first, Portal with any of the is, save the game, 2 includes a co-op run characters in through to play with your the game. have sex with one friends, which is a pretty What you do character, then reload sweet added bonus to is, save the that save to have the already cool game. game, have Too bad there won’t be sex with one sex with a different a third installment. character, then character. reload that save to have sex with a different character. I hear it’s fun to see all the I’m sorry to the circle jerks out there, different combinations of things you can do. but Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield Makes for a great replay value.

3 were ok. I shan’t lie, they were good games, but that’s really all they were: 3s.

Hands-down, the best game of 2011 They had little fixes and additions here was Portal 2. I couldn’t combine it with and there but you get what you get with the other sequels for obvious reasons. the generic FPSs. It’s SO much better. Portal 2 has the most The glitches in Battlefield made it a little fantastic story line, great puzzles that keep better than Modern Warfare, but I’m still you involved and on your toes, and has an sticking to the guns that they were only ok.

The 3s that aren’t so great

For Science!

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

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the

battle of coLd piZZ a VersUs Is reemergIng like an

people, and plenty of other wholesome things for a top-30

unfortunate red bump after the

school. this week? we learn what you all have to say about

false reassurance of Proactive!

cold pizza, the breakfast of choice for strung-out bachelors

once again I’ll be scouring the

too groggy to even work a microwave. Is it gross? charming? a

cesspool of west Campus to figure out what some of our

turn-off? indisputable evidence of addiction? let’s take a look!

fine young undergrads have to say about important topics. we’ve talked about world of warcraft, Big Bite, and judging

LUKE WINKIE

wouLd you ever eat coLd piZZa by choice?

• I mean generally I’ve passed out, and I wake up with a slice of pizza in my hand. It’s just fate. –rodney rigg

• If I’m ever in a place where I’m too lazy to heat up my pizza, just kill me. –harry reed

• To me I’m just doing it for the good of the environment.

–Francisco hernandez • Yeah totally, it tastes really good with flat beer. –Marcus Leder

• I barely tolerate myself when I’m eating warm pizza.

–thomas Utley

what’s the best kind of coLd piZZa? • Something with a lot of onions, you know, for that fresh morning smell. –Oliver Park • What you do is you put all your cold pizza slices on top of each other, eat it, and then go back to bed. –rodney rigg • The best is when you get to pry the frozen cheese from the cardboard of the pizza box. –Clarence evans

• You think people who eat cold pizza actually care about how it tastes? –thomas Utley

• The best kind of cold pizza is when you make cereal instead.

–harry reed

what does eating coLd piZZa say about a Man? • That they’ve got their shit together. –Clarence evans

• That they have a very liberal care about what goes in their mouth. –thomas Utley

• That I want to hang out with them. –rodney rigg • That they probably listen to First Take in the morning. –Luke Winkie

• That they have some amazing stories about how they were the best running back in their high school. –terry hawk

• That they’re probably pretty good at Madden. –Marcus Leder

• That they didn’t get any numbers the night before. –harry reed

coLd piZZa or warM beer?

• Cold pizza, sustenance over alcoholism every time. –Marcus Leder

• Warm beer at least implies that I’m socializing. –thomas Utley

• Cold pizza, I can go at my own pace and I’m don’t feel guilty when I do it alone. –Clarence evans

• Warm beer, but just out of spite for those Coors Light commercials.

–harry reed

• Cold pizza, because I like to start my day right. –rodney rigg

22

January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Photos: Eli Watson

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

23

A

LL

Barstars Photos: shannon grant

CALLING GREEKS EVENTS on shiner’s saLo e 422 congress avenu

taIlGatorZ

:30 for sunday Football complimentary buffet 11-12

2828 rio grande street

fundrai

sers

ropy

th philan

advertise with

the lIBrary

Beso

407 East sixth street

307 B West 5th street

toulouse

the staGe

402 East sixth street

508 East sixth street

*if your face is circled, you’re this week’s winner of Barstars! come to our office at 2608 East sixth street, unit 3 mon through Wed (9–5 p.m.) to collect $25 cash! (Be sure to Facebook us to let us know you won!)

you’re this week’s winner! come to our office to collect $25!*

the LocaL 2610 guadalupe street

shIner’s saloon 422 congress ave.

chuPacaBra 400 East sixth street

the Library

the staGe

407 East sixth street

508 East sixth street

for More party pics, go to uweekLyaustin.coM. UWeeklyAustin.com | Janurary 18. 2012 25

super crossword

crypto quip

CLUE: B EQUALS S

This is a simple substitution cipher in which each letter used stands for another. If you think that X equals O, it will equal O throughout the puzzle. Solution is accomplished by trial and error.

26

COOL CHARACTERS

January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

sudoku

nooner power pop band to reunite after five years the LaSt ShOW aUStIN-baSeD band Nooner performed on stage was two years ago. even then, that reunion show included every official member on stage (three guitar players, etc). but for the original four members, guitarist Greg Massouh, bassist tim Seymour, drummer ben Mills and vocalist Chris telles, their upcoming show on Jan. 21 at Stubb’s bbQ is their first reunion show with just the four of them in five years.

Nooner was a power-pop band in the early 2000s, enchanting music fans with their feel-good lyrics and party vibe. after Mills left Nooner for another project, the band performed their last show and went their separate ways. UWeekly sat down with Mills to discuss the reunion show and what it was like playing those tunes all over again.

So what brought the band together for this show? Why another reunion show? ben Mills: We were talking about bands that (Squint) had played with through the years to bring into the show, and Nooner came up. Well, I’ll ask. Maybe we’ll do a reunion show. So yeah, we decided to put something together. We did a lot of shows with them through the years.

“When We Put together the band, that Was the idea.

We Just Wanted it to be a fun tiMe for everybody.”

they got together and put together a new project.

Greg plays in a band with a friend of ours called Call Me Sensei. And Chris hasn’t really done much of anything in music, but he’s gotten involved more in film and television type stuff in the last five years.

Do you feel it’s pretty easy to pump out the tunes? Or are you relearning? bM: It’s more of watching me play the songs. We’re like, oh yeah, that’s how that goes, and it came together pretty quick. But we’ve played those songs together for so long that they are kind of ingrained in the brain. You just gotta figure out how to remember those parts again.

One of the members doesn’t even live in austin, correct?

how do you select the songs for the show? Do you have an ideal set list?

bM: Yeah, Chris now lives in Dallas. He’s been up there for about two years working on TV and films.

What has everybody been up to since you last played? you mentioned you’re in a new band (Waiting for august) and Chris is in acting stuff.

What about the other guys?

bM: Yeah, when we decided to get back together, there are certain songs that we always played at every show, no matter what. “Kids” is one, and “Richard Pryor” is another. We just decided to build around those and go, hey, we haven’t played together in a while and we don’t know if we’re gonna play together again, which ones do you want to play? Which ones do we like? And just put together a list through that.

bM: Jim, the bassist, and I were together in She Craves for about two years. Then Jim left to start a band called Righteous Brisket with Aaron Seymour, who also used to be in Nooner back in the day, but

and you said that you guys separated and are playing in different groups and doing different

things. What is it like playing together again after so long? bM: It’s great. It’s, like, once a little bit of the rust got knocked off, it’s like we never stopped playing.

Everybody had a good time at the first rehearsal.

Looking forward to the show. It should be a lot of fun.

What I like about your band is that it’s just a reminder that, oh, I just need to have fun at a show sometimes. I just need to be a fan again. bM: Well when we put together the band, that was the idea. We just wanted it to be a fun time for everybody. We weren’t trying to overcompensate for things and make it too political or anything like that. It was supposed to be “here’s an escape for you to just come out and have a good time,” and all of our favorite bands, like Cheap Trick, that’s all they ever wanted to do. They just want to play good fun music that people had a good time to come listen to.

Do you think there will be any more reunions in the future? bM: Nothing’s on the books, but never say never.

SARAH VASQUEZ UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

27

wednesday

thursday

FrIday

mo mandel

thursday nIGht socIal rIde

two tons oF steel

@ cap city comedy, 8120 research Blvd

@ Festival Beach Park

@ Broken spoke, 3201 s lamar

There is nothing more un-funny than going back to school: Having to look all haggard from too much eggnog, wearing that stupid sweater your mother gave you, and having to sell sperm just to buy a Bevo pencil case at the Co-Op. The only thing worth chuckling at is probably your G.P.A. If you need cheering up, head over to ye olde comedy house, Cap City Comedy. Chelsea Lately peanut gallery member Mo Mandel will be making his Austin debut. Check him out before he fades into the wasteland of VH1 reality shows.

Time to saddle up and ride. Dust off that old huffy, place some baseball cards in those spokes, or shine up that new fixed gear that your grandma gave you for Christmas, there is no better way to work off that gingerbread house weight than the TNSR. Grab some of your closest brahs, or that girl that thinks you’re a creep in your nutrition class, and head down to Festival Beach Park.

tickets: www.capcitycomedy.com

The top events & shows in Austin this week Will bass 28

Every Austinite should eventually make a pilgrimage down to the Broken Spoke. The Spoke is an Austin institution and probably will be till Rick Perry burns this city down in a defeated rage. The Lone Stars are cold, the cowgirls are washed, and the music is always spectacular at the Spoke. Don’t get the wrong idea, this isn’t Roadhouse, so please don’t break any pool cues over anyone’s head. Two Tons of Steel are holding it down this Friday. These honkytonkers can make you cry into your beer and rock your jorts off in the same song. tickets: at the door

► also WortHy

► also WortHy

► also WortHy

tedeschi trucks Band

Gangster rainbow

whitman

weird wednesday: the Erotic nose of Pinocchio

skinemax: last call

nazi Gold

hayden karchmer

soul track mind

charlie hunter

Ghost Planet

Gabe dixon

kendrick lamar

these are words

led Zeppelin II

river Ghost

ACL Live, 2504 Whitis Ave Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe Red Eyed Fly, 715 Red River Beerland, 711 Red River

Beerland, 711 Red River

Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th

Alamo at the Ritz, 320 E 6th

Beerland, 711 Red River

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe

Continental Club, 1315 S Congress

Stubb’s, 601 Red River

Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th

La Zona Rosa, 612 W 4th

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe

January 18, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

&CLASSY

TRENDY

AFFORDABLE ITALIAN CLOTHING

2815 Guadalupe St. Austin Open7 days a week

saturday

sunday

monday

Ready Steady Go @ Rio Rita, 1308 E 6th

There is no better way to work those Monday woes away than with dancing.

Rio Rita will have you shaking, shimmying, and shouting with their ’60s-themed dance party. No case of the Mondays here.

Back to School Showcase:

Zlam Dunk, Equals, & Henry and the Invisibles @ Trinity Hall, 401 E 6th

This lineup is stacked higher than a successful, drunken attempt at Jenga. If you aren’t familiar with the above bands, then you haven’t been doing your homework.

Imagine if you drank seven Rockstar Energy drinks and you heard weird and inviting music; that is Zlam Dunk.

The Equals cool you down a bit with some groovy, electronic-tinged psych explorations. Getting the party started is the one-man funk show of Henry and the Invisibles. This party can’t be stopped!

Action Pack Presents:

The Anchorman Quote-Along

@ Alamo Lake Creek, 13729 Lake Creek Blvd

This movie was no doubt made for quoting. Now you can show off your skills (there will also be subtitles for the best lines) of movie memorization. However, this isn’t just a zany trip to the movies, it’s an experience: moustaches and “yazz” flutes will be provided for all, drinking contests will ensue before the movie, and a theater-wide harmony will be orchestrated during “Afternoon Delight”.

Tickets: www.originalalamo.com

Tickets: At the door

►►Also Worthy

The Ragbirds

Cactus Cafe, 2247 Guadalupe

TransSamW.Natas(Dubstep) Ruta Maya, 3601 S Congress

Motown Mondays

The Highball, 1120 S Lamar

tuesday

Austin Roasters Club @ The Highball, 1120 S. Lamar

Austin’s funniest will get together to roast (i.e, make fun of) Austin’s finest. Jokes will be made, toasts will be had, and guts will be busted.

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

Mudphonic

Gospel Brunch: Shields of Faith

In Flames

Reagan Jones of Iris Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th

►►Also Worthy

Don Chani

Master Pancake: Choose your own pancake

Terror Tuesday

Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Austin Gorilla Run

Sweet Pea

Young Savages

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe

Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th

Dana Daniels and his psychic Parrot

Weird! True Hollywood Tales

The Sweet Nuthin

Continental Club, 1315 S Congress Emo’s East, 2015 E Riversie Flamingo Cantina, 515 E 6th Downtown Austin

One World Theatre, 7701 Bee Caves Rd

Stubb’s, 601 Red River

Salvage Vanguard Theatre, 2803 Manor

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 18, 2012

29

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► FriEnDs

817 w 5th

208 e 6th

$3 Jack, Jim, and Jager

$2 Vodka Bombs

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219 e 6th

407 e 6th

$2 wells/domestics

$1 Domestics, wells $2 Import Bottles

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317 e 6th

417 e 6th

$2.50 wells/domestics

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► tiniEst Bar in tEXas

409 w 30th

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$4.95 sangria ritas

$1 Bud light and Bud

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2313 rio grande

214 e 6th

$3.50 bombs

$12 beer buckets

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300 e 6th

317 e 6th

$2 Domestic Beers, $2 wells til 11 pm

$4 bombs

► DiZZy roostEr

► BlinD Pig

suLLy’s sidebar 300 colorado street rIght on the BorDer of “west” and “dirty” Sixth are some of the nicer restaurants you’ll find in Austin for a night on the town.

Among these establishments is Sullivan’s Steakhouse, a well known spot for patrons to stop by and enjoy a more upscale meal than your general run-of-the-mill bar food.

What many may not know about Sullivan’s, however, is that the establishment also hosts a nifty little watering hole on the side of the building known as “Sully’s Side Bar.” With live music just about every night, house specials like Florida Stone Crab Claws, and a restaurant logo shaped like a martini glass, Sullivan’s is where you want to go next time you happen upon Sixth Street and want to spend money on a steak and cocktail.

Brian Bogart

► cuatros

306 e 6th

317 e 6th

1004 w 24th

$2 Domestic/wells/Jello shots

$2.50 wells/Domestics

$2 tecates and modelo esp. $5 Deer and Beer

► trEasurE islanD

► gingEr man

► FriEnDs

413 e 6th

301 lavaca

208 e 6th

25¢ wells, $1 triples and kamikaze shots, $4 bombs

logo Pint night

$2 Vodka Bombs

► sPill

► lavaca st. Bar

► maggiE maE’s

212 e 6th

405 lavaca

323 e 6th

$1 wells/miller high life

Big Beer mondays. $6 25oz.

$2 wells

Advertise wit

h us today!

307B West 5th Street www.besocantina.com

ADUWEEKLY michael@uweeklyaustin.com or call 512.705.7350