March 28, 2012

THE INDEPENDENT VOICE OF UT AUSTIN

MAR 28, 2012

WWW.UWEEKLYATX.COM

VOL 4 ISSUE 08

MARCH 28, 2012

07

Good Deeds: Boost Your Karma Points With Any of These Charity Events.

12

Peyton Manning Was It the Right Choice?

16

Huge Raid in Downtown Austin Bars leads to 10 Arrests

27

UWeekly Sits Down with Tactic

Photo: Eli Watson

Living paycheck to paycheck How to survive on little to nothing In order to avoid having over $15,000 in student loans you’ve got to be money savvy. Bargain shoppers and coupon clippers may sound crazy, but they’re secretly laughing at how much money you’re wasting away. And no this doesn’t mean you have to eat ramen every day like the stereotypical college kid. You can be smart about your money through using a few nifty apps and shopping in other places.

99-cent stores Instead of shopping for cleaning supplies at HEB or Walmart, you can get them cheaper at dollar stores. Some dollar stores even have produce, and it doesn’t taste any different than other produce. The produce just expires a little bit quicker, as stores like Walmart send produce to dollar stores because it’s about to expire. If you’re not one for cheap produce, you can stock up on pasta and marinara sauce. Most stores even have the same canned food that you’d find at a major grocery store. Plus, you can estimate how much money you’re going to spend just by counting the items. Some items will definitely be cheaper than a dollar.

Docs which allows you to import, create and edit documents. It has nearly all the features of Microsoft Office and it doesn’t cost you a dime. Best of all, it even has substitutes for Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint. All of these great programs can be saved as a Microsoftcompatible file, pdf or html. If you don’t want to sign up for Gmail, you can always download Open Office. This is a copycat of Microsoft Office, but I find it tends to crash a lot more than Google Docs. You also get to save space on your computer by saving your Google Docs on the Cloud. Oh, and did I mention it saves every five seconds so that way your computer can’t destroy your lastminute essay you’re working on at 4 AM?

GasBuddy

Electronics

This app will show you the cheapest gas station closest to you. It relies on other users to update gas prices on going up, so it isn’t always effective, but when it works it’s heaven. If you decide to update the prices yourself, you can get entered into a contest to win free gas. That’s plenty of incentive for me. The app is for multiple platforms, so you can download it for your iPhone, Blackberry or Android. If you don’t have a smartphone, you can always go to gasbuddy.com and plan out where to get your gas. The website is nicer sometimes just because you can see where the cheapest gas is in Austin, not just your zip code.

Speaking of computers, you simply cannot survive in school without some sort of electronic device. Whether it’s a cell phone, laptop or desktop, you need one (or all) of these devices to stay connected and to stay on top of your game.

But, damnit, they take up so much electricity! That’s where your crafty skills can come in handy and save you an assload of money. I’m sure at this point in your college career that you’re familiar with those places tons of kids go to study. What are they called?

Oh, yeah. Coffee shops.

Any good coffee shop will have ample electrical outlets for their hard-working patrons. Why let all of that free electricity go to waste? I mean, you’re paying for it after all. Believe me, it does not cost $3.75 plus tax and tip for a small iced Chai latte.

Google Docs/Open Office Don’t ever pay for Microsoft Office again. If you have a Gmail account you can use Google

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March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

Next time you’re downing your third cup of joe while trying to crank out that midterm essay, charge up all of your electronic devices, not just your laptop. Yep, you heard me right. All of them. Phone, camera, tablet, laptop, MP3 player, the works. But only charge them one at a time, that way you don’t look like a cheap, mooching asshole.

Also, if you’re on the market for a good

whatever’s handed to you.

If you’ve ever been grocery shopping at, say, 5-7 PM during the weeknights, you know that’s when all the working stiffs get released from their fluorescent prisons and go grocery shopping.

To appease their tried, hungry customers, many grocery stores like HEB and Central Market will offer a plethora of samples

“And no this doesn’t mean you have to eat ramen every day like the stereotypical college kid.” portable working station, opt for a tablet instead of that new MacBook Air. It’s smaller, cheaper and has the exact same capabilities as all the other laptops on the market these days.

Food and drink

throughout their store. Eat enough samples, and you’ll find you don’t need dinner after all.

Start in produce and work your way around the store. Stop at each stand and have a sample of whatever it is they’re giving away.

Feel free to go to more than one grocery store during this time of day. Don’t forget to hit up the bakery at Whole Foods. You can literally ask them for samples of each different type

This might be the hardest to pull off, but it can be done. You just have to learn to survive off of less caloric intake and be satisfied with

of bread they have, and they’ll give it to you.

Also, there are many bars and restaurants that offer free happy hour appetizers with the purchase of a drink. So for the price of one beverage, you can fill up on grub like nachos and tacos. At the very least, they offer steep discounts on appetizers. Figure out which of your favorite eating establishments does this and start coming in for happy hour. Even if you don’t want to drink, it will be worth the bottomless chips and queso.

Coupons Last but not least, look for coupons at the store when shopping! They are everywhere, usually offering amazing deals on things you’ll actually want to purchase. For instance, HEB always has small newspapers with that week’s hot items at the front near the carts. Take two seconds to flip through it and see what’s on sale. Believe me, you will find something you want to buy, and for a lot cheaper, too.

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5

Sunset Report Cites Issues With Student Loan Program In fiscal 2011, more than $32 million of a pool of money set aside for a college loan program created by the state — more than one-third of the program’s total funding — was left on the table without ever reaching Texas students.

That eye-popping finding was noted in the Sunset Advisory Commission’s report released this month on the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board.

The commission periodically conducts reviews of each state agency, determining the need for the organization and offering recommendations for improvement.

One of the major issues identified in the report was a need to revamp the B-On-Time Loan Program, which offers students nointerest loans that can be forgiven if they

additional loans, appear to prevent many Texas students from participating.

Additionally, inconsistent funding from year to year (in the last four years, funding has ranged from $27 million to $90 million) and federal regulations that prevent packaging federal financial aid with state loans may prevent some school officials from encouraging students to apply.

The net result is more than $32 million being left on the table. But the problems don’t end there.

Fewer than 40 percent of students who participate in the program are able to meet the requirements for forgiveness. And the default rate on the loan is close to triple that of the coordinating board’s other loan programs — the Sunset Commission speculates that it may

Grady Giffin, who graduated from Texas A&M University in 2007 and subsequently had his B-On-Time loan forgiven, said he would recommend it to other students. “I was hoping to finish in four years,” he said, “but that made me really commit to doing it.”

Though federal rules require B-On-Time to be reported as taxable income, Giffin said he was happy to pay that rather than have to pay back the whole loan plus interest.

In its response to the Sunset Commission, the coordinating board proposed repurposing the set-asides used for program to fund a rebate program that would provide an incentive to all students.

Battles said this would solve a number of problems. Currently, some public universities lose millions of dollars by putting more

Fewer than 40 percent of students who participate in the program are able to meet the requirements for forgiveness.

And the default rate on the loan is close to triple that of the coordinating board’s other loan programs — the Sunset Commission speculates that it may be because the lack of interest rate ironically removes the incentive to repay quickly. graduate within four years (or two at a twoyear institution) with at least a B average and do not earn more than six credit hours more than their degree requirements.

The program is funded through a combination of general revenue and the controversial practice of tuition set-asides, in which a small portion of tuition at public universities is pooled and then redistributed.

The Sunset Commission did not tackle the issue of set-asides but cited other issues with the B-On-Time program.

General lack of awareness about the program, combined with a lack of clarity about whether the award constitutes a loan or a grant (it is the former), strict requirements for forgiveness, and small loan amounts (the maximum for four-year students is $7,100 per year) that may need to be supplemented with

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March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

be because the lack of interest rate ironically removes the incentive to repay quickly.

State Sen. Judith Zaffirini, D-Laredo, who authored the legislation that created the program, said she is aware of the issues created by a lack of consistent funding for and promotion of the program. But, she said, “B-On-Time is a wonderful program. It has an impressive and important purpose.”

The coordinating board agreed with the commission’s analysis. Linda Battles, an associate commissioner with the board, said it has developed a way to promote “the same concept with a slightly different approach.”

Students who have participated in the loan program — a group with a four-year graduation rate that is more than double those in other financial aid programs — expressed appreciation for the loan.

set-aside money into the B-On-Time pool than their students receive in loans. In the proposed rebate program, set-asides would not leave the institution. Also, by no longer structuring it as a state loan program, the conflicts with federal rules would disappear.

Such a dramatic restructuring would require a legislative fix, but Zaffirini has fought past proposals to switch to B-OnTime to a rebate program. “Then what does the student do for money during those four years?” she asked. “That’s the beauty of the B-On-Time, which has been overlooked by some people. Those students who did not complete their degrees timely still had a nointerest loan. That’s phenomenal!”

Both the coordinating board and Zaffirini disagree with the commission’s suggestion that the provisions for loan forgiveness

be loosened to allow more students, such as those who took slightly more than four years to graduate, to be eligible. “Certainly that would be counter to the spirit of the program,” Zaffirini said.

Although she acknowledged that the program’s issues must to be addressed and said she has been trying to bring key players together to address them, Zaffirini said the priority should be on making sure the B-OnTime program is fully funded. “If you want an incentive program, put your money where your mouth is,” she said.

As for the rest of the coordinating board’s review, the Sunset Commission also found that the agency needs to allow for more public input, require that more board members have higher-education experience, and tweak outdated and unnecessary provisions in state law to allow it to operate more efficiently.

The coordinating board also concurred with these findings but disagreed with the Sunset Commission’s assertion that the agency that its overly focused on its “Closing the Gaps” program, which seeks to bring the state’s higher-ed performance to a level comparable with other key states by 2015.

In its official response, the coordinating board contends that the goals of closing the gap are integrated into the agencies’ core functions and are necessary for the agency to achieve its mission.

Battles said they were generally pleased with the results of their review. “We have to remember what the sunset review process is all about,” she said. “The staff is not going to make recommendations on things that they think are working, and their report is not going to be a shining depiction of the positive things we do.”

Some observers wondered whether the Sunset Commission would suggest combining the coordinating board with the Texas Education Agency or another agency, as some lawmakers have sought to do in the past.

In the report, the commission examined options for consolidation, but found that no potential combination created “significant benefits to the state.”

Rather, they recommended continuing the agency for at least another 12 years.

Reeve Hamilton *The rest of this interview can be found on the Texas Tribune website where it was originally published or in the campus section of our website.

Good Deeds

Publisher Michael Huereque Account Executives Nick Lorges Emily Faeth Art Director Jessica Caraway Ad Designer Terry Kennedy

Pick a card, any card.

A few selections to choose from for this week’s Good Deeds Austin is a famously busy place. On any given day there are tons of things to do and events to go to. Being bored in Austin is usually a conscious choice. This week is no exception. With so many great charity events going on, it’s hard to pick just one.

With UT’s Roundup of sorority and fraternity parties out of the way, now it’s time to concentrate on others. Here are just a few events going on this week that will definitely count as your good deed for the day.

Amanda Chappel

Editor–in–Chief Sarah Neve Copy Editor Daniel J. Frimpter Campus Writers Amanda Chappel Luke Winkie Sports Writers Brian Bogart Entertainment Writers William M. Bass Sarah Vasquez Karissa Rodriguez Brett Thorne Elijah Watson Arryn Zech Circulation Jeremy Tooker CONTACT uweeklyatx.com michael@uweeklyaustin.com facebook.com/uweeklyaustin PUBLISHER Highbrow LLC ABOUT UWeekly Austin

UWeekly Austin is an independent publication and is not affiliated with the University of Texas at Austin. One free copy per person. Additional copies may be picked up at our office for .50 each. Opinions expressed are those of the writers/authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff or publishers of UWeekly. Not liable for omissions, misprints, or typographical errors. No part of this publication may be reproduced without the written consent of the publisher. © Copyright 2012 Highbrow, LLC

Fotos de Mi Alma

Whosie-whatsit? Fotos de Mi Alma is Spanish for “photos of my soul.” As the biggest fundraiser of the year for Latinita’s, a non-profit magazine that focuses on empowering young Latinas, Fotos de Mi Alma will be hosting celebrated national and international photographers and their stunning work.

Come, be inspired and know that your admissions ticket will go towards helping

The Great Griffin Give Spokes ’n Spurs If you don’t know, the Griffin School is the super awesome high school you never went to. With a focus on art, innovation and creativity, it’s an outsider’s dream. While boring literature classes and difficult-to-memorize math formulas might still be on the syllabus for Griffin academics, the school focuses on fine arts ranging from screen printing to digital film production.

With these real-life creative skills being honed at such a young and tender age, it’s hard not to be

Calling all cyclists! Now this one will take a little bit more effort (and money) to attend, but if you’re behind the cause of the Spirit Reins Ranch, which is a 501c3 that helps abused and neglected kids find therapy through the care and riding of horses, you won’t want to miss this chance to ride.

This premier cycling event will take place in beautiful Liberty Hill. Participants of all ages will be offered several different

“With so many great charity events going on, it’s hard to pick just one.” the organization cover costs that aren’t funded by grants. Such things would include vital equipment needed to continue daily operations such as laptops, cameras, printers and the like. Although it’s being held at the Mexican American Cultural Center, the event is fully hosted by Latinitas.

Mexican American Cultural Center 600 River Street March 29 6-9 PM, $15-20

jealous of these little fuckers. While your high school didn’t have the super badass curriculum that Griffin does, that doesn’t mean you should shun them.

That’s exactly why you should join them for their Great Griffin Give, where you will be wined and dined while enjoying music as Griffin graduate James Thomas unveils his marvelous sculpture of a Griffin, the school’s mascot and a mythical creature with the head of an eagle and body of a lion. It was also Harry Potter’s mascot.

Coincidence? I think not.

distances to choose from. You can choose from a longer, harder “workout” ride or shorter scenic peddle through the hill country. Either way, there will be after-ride fun and games as well as fruit, water and homemade cookies along your trail. Not to mention, a police motorcade will be escorting you along your merry way. Added bonus: there will be a cash prize to the top three men and women who finish the 62.5 mile distance challenge.

The Griffin School 5001 Evans Avenue March 31 6-8 PM, $15

The Spirit Reins Ranch Liberty Hill, TX 8:30 AM-3:00 PM March 31, $35-45 UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

7

Wednesday, Mar 28

Events on or around campus

Baseball UT-Pan American, Austin, TX, 6 PM

Softball Houston, Houston, TX, 6 PM

Texas Relays 2012 85th Clyde Littlefield Texas Relays, Austin, TX, All Day

Thursday, Mar 29 Texas Relays 2012 85th Clyde Littlefield Texas Relays, Austin, TX, All Day

Friday, Mar 30 Baseball California, Round Rock, TX, 7 PM

Women’s Golf

Softball

PING ASU Invitational, Tempe, AZ, All Day

New Mexico, Austin, TX, 5 PM

Texas Relays

Women’s Tennis

2012 85th Clyde Littlefield Texas Relays, Austin, TX, All Day

Kansas, Austin, TX, 2 PM

Men’s Tennis Oklahoma, Austin, TX, 6 PM

Women’s Golf PING ASU Invitational, Tempe, AZ, All Day

Women’s Volleyball F.A.S.T. Collegiate Invitational, Houston, TX TBA

Sunday, Apr 1 Baseball

Texas Relays

California, Round Rock, TX, 1 PM

2012 85th Clyde Littlefield Texas Relays, Austin, TX, All Day

Softball

Saturday, Mar 31

Women’s Tennis

Baseball

California, Round Rock, TX, 3:30 PM

Softball Tulsa, Austin, TX, 11 AM

Softball New Mexico, Austin, TX, 1:30 PM

Men’s Golf

New Mexico, Austin, TX, 11 AM

Kansas State, Austin, TX, 12 PM

Men’s Tennis Oklahoma State, Austin, TX, 1 PM

Men’s Golf Augusta State Invitational, Augusta, GA, All Day

Women’s Rowing

Augusta State Invitational, Augusta, GA, All Day

San Diego Crew Classic, San Diego, CA (Mission Bay), All Day

Women’s Rowing

Women’s Golf

San Diego Crew Classic, San Diego, CA (Mission Bay), All Day

PING ASU Invitational, Tempe, AZ, All Day

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March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

Art21, season six coming at ya

Good, old-fashioned family values

March 28 No, it’s not quite like 21 Jump Street. There will be no annoying Jonah Hill or abilicious Channing Tatum. Instead, you will get to preview an episode of the new season of said series. Light refreshments will be provided for your gluttonous convenience.

Doty Fine Arts Building (DFA) 2.204, 4-5 PM

March 30 It’s not just a line from the Family Guy theme song, these things actually used to exist. To prove it, the VAC will be hosting an opening reception of the marvelously talented student work focusing on such a topic.

Art Building, Visual Arts Center, 6-8PM

You’re the one

April 1 C’mon. Admit it. You loved dodgeball in high school and secretly reveled in the opportunity to hurl big, red, bouncy balls at the most popular kids in gym class. Dodgeball Dan loves dodgeball so much, he’s dedicated his life to it.

You don’t have to go that far, but you definitely should gather a team together and come out to the largest dodgeball tournament on campus.

RecSports (RSC) gym, 11AM-4PM, $60/team Amanda Chappel

March 29 You’re the one. Or, you could potentially be the one to stop suicide. Now, people are going to do what they’re going to do, and there’s not much you can do to stop them. But things like this usually have ample warning signs attached to them. That’s where you can step in and make a huge difference. Learn how to detect the signs and prevent suicide.

Student Activity Center (SAC) 3.116, 7-8 PM

Water, water everywhere March 29 In America, people piss and shit in a big bowl of water every day. In other countries, you would be hung from a tree for disrespecting such a lifesaving and precious commodity.

Seriously, people are dying of thirst all around the world. Learn about the growing water crisis and how to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Student Activity Center (SAC) 2.302, 10:45AM-2 PM

Dodgeball Dan and his silly games

Opinion

Air It Out

Photos and Interviews by Brian Bogart

That’s what she said.

Who is your personal hero and why?

“Albert Einstein because he dared to challenge the accepted rules of his generation, resulting in invention which shape our world today. He also has cool hair.”

Dear Women in their late thirties who loved Hunger Games.

I’m sorry, but any adult women who acts fanatical about a teen/tween book or movie weirds me out. Unless you were chaperoning your 13-year-old, you shouldn’t have been in that theater. When I’m in a nice restaurant I do not want to listen to you talk about how awesome Hunger Games (or god forbid) Twilight was, or how hot the lead actor is. He’s

SUBMIT TO AIR IT OUT! 1. Everything Anonymous – Not only are we giving you an opportunity to publicly air your grievances, we’re allowing you to hide behind the cowardly mask of anonymity to do it. So we don’t want your name. But we’re also extending that same courtesy to whomever you’re complaining about. If a wasted girl spilled food on you at Kerbey Lane, then call her “a girl.” We don’t need her name, date of birth, or UTEID. 2. Be Brief – Short and not–so–sweet is key. If you can’t say what you need in less than 250 words, than you’re rambling, not ranting.

3. Stay Specific – There’s a lot to be annoyed about on campus. We know. But please pick one issue, not seven, and avoid digressing. An open letter to whoever keeps shaving their pubes in the communal sink is good; a list of things you don’t like about living in the dorms is less so.

Tasha Gorel

“Santa Clause because he brings presents to the children...and he likes cookies and milk and I like cookies and milk.”

Elissa Castles

young enough to be your son. You have a problem and should see a psychiatrist. Also. Stop stealing your daughters clothes. She hates you.

Sincerely, Would it kill you to age gracefully?

4. Powerful Language – At UWeekly, we write our own rules. We’re down to say a naughty word now and again. But there is a huge difference between the rare, well–placed profanity and a barely literate Youtube comment. Your critiques should be at least a little bit more cutting than “blah blah blah is a *@#&!!!”

5. To Whom It May Concern – Air It Out is publishing your open letters, so don’t forget to address them as such. Did some douche lose his lunch the last time you rode the E–Bus? Then open with “Dear Dude Who Barfed on the Bus.” And just because we’re not giving out your name doesn’t mean you can’t let him know who it’s from. Just sign it, “Sincerely, Everyone Else on the Bus.”

airitout@uweeklyatx.com

“My personal hero is probably my older sister because she has gone really far in following her dreams and she works really hard and she’s a very good role model and inspiration for me.”

“My personal hero is my dad because he’s been through anything and everything...he lost his parents when he was young and he still brought us here from India and I’m not who I am today without him.”

Christina Toth

Farhana Khaja

“I’m gonna go with my dad because he’s really chill and all my friends like him and he inspires me.”

“Chris Lilley because there’s no one who is better.”

Kirby Orosco

Nikki Werner UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

9

Shootin’ the shit “What are the odds that Tim Tebow can take the starting job from Marc Sanchez in NY?” — Nick Schwartz Fantastic question, Nick.

Thanks in large part to the fact that the New York Jets now have two incompetent quarterbacks instead of just one, the question really is who will ultimately suck less than their teammate. So here’s what we do know: the Jets recently made a commitment to Mark Sanchez giving him a fiveyear/$58.25 million contract, doing just about everything they could in their power to reinforce the notion that Sanchez is their guy. But then again, that’s what makes the timing of the Tebow acquisition so confusing. Forget the fact that Tim Tebow is a walking media circus and, in a place like New York that has distractions

galore, you’re basically asking for it by bringing him on board. But head coach Rex Ryan has made it clear that, as far as they know, Sanchez is the Jets’ quarterback, but that they will utilize Tim Tebow in any way fashionable to help them win games.

Bow!” After all, it didn’t take folks in Denver that long to call for Tebow’s services and it sure as hell didn’t take Denver management that long to skip right over second-string QB Brady Quinn to give Tebow a shot on the field. If anything, it almost became a problem when Tebow started

If anything, it almost became a problem when Tebow started winning games, seeing as how it was pretty clear Denver management never thought of him as a long-term solution.

While a quote like that screams that Tebow will be used heavily as a Wildcat QB/Halfback hybrid, who knows what’s going to happen when Sanchez starts throwing interceptions and the crowd starts chanting “Te-Bow! Te-

winning games, seeing as how it was pretty clear Denver management never thought of him as a long-term solution. But one year and one playoff win later and here we are: Tim Tebow has established he can win football games, he has

established that he has some difficulty throwing the football and he’s established that he’s willing to do anything to help his team win (i.e. play second-fiddle to Mark Sanchez in order to be sporadically used as a specialty QB). But who knows how long that’s gonna last.

Things are changing faster and faster in the football world these days and in the football world, no place goes through as many changes on a consistent basis than New York City. So for now, Sanchez clearly has the upper hand and management is gonna ride the Sanchez train until it derails, but if (or when) that time comes, it’ll be hard to drown out the cheers for the second-string QB. When that happens, it will be up to the former Florida star to once again prove the doubters wrong.

Brian Bogart Want to Shoot the Shit with me?

Email your questions to brian@bogart.us

In addition to the Historic Down town 5k, we will now be offering a Scenic Lake & Park 10k, Austin Music History 5k, and UT Camp us 5k.

Saturday March 31 Downtown Austin Historic 5K Run - 10 AM Scenic Parks 10K Run - 10 AM Austin Music 5K Run - 3 PM

Sunday April 1 For more info, check out:

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CityRunningTours.com/Austin

March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

Downtown Austin Historic 5K Run - 12 PM Scenic Parks 10K Run - 3 PM UT 5K Run - 3 PM

Photo Phelan M. Ebenhack, Original publication: Associated Press

The

Highlight

Reel

Anyone who was looking for an NBA Finals preview certainly got one on Sunday when the Heat squared off against the Thunder in Oklahoma City in what could easily be a match-up fans will be watching over the course of a seven-game series this summer. If that is indeed the case, it could be a long post-season for the Heat, who not only got their ass whooped by Kevin Durant and the Thunder on Sunday, but are also having their own problems with the Bulls, who are also doing their fair share to stand between the Heat and their playoff aspirations.

Speaking of teams that can potentially stand in the way of title aspirations, the Spurs are doing a fantastic job of being a thorn in Oklahoma City’s side. Maybe it has something to do with the Spurs’ caginess as a team, maybe it’s Gregg Popovich’s general brilliance as a coach, maybe they just match up well against OKC or maybe it’s just a combination of all three. All I know is if I’m the Thunder, figuring out how to tangle with San Antonio is my number one priority.

After a lackluster start to the NCAA Baseball season, the Longhorns have really picked up their game ever since conference play started. After losing eight of their first 13 games, Texas has picked up a lot of steam winning eight of their last nine and capturing a number 22 ranking in the national polls. If there was ever a time to get hot, conference play is the time to do it and it looks like these Longhorns are beginning to get it.

Just when it started to look like it might have stopped raining absolute shit on the New York Knicks in the midst of their surprise winning streak after letting go of Mike D’Antoni, Amari Stoudemire gets knocked out indefinitely with a bulging disk in his lower back. Oh yeah, and Jeremy Lin is also inactive with a sore right knee.

Forecast for New York’s near future: shitty with a 100% chance of absolute shit.

It happened folks, it happened!

Tiger Woods is back, ladies and gentlemen, and he’s better than ever! It’s like the ’90s all over again! OK, so maybe only a fraction of the preceding three exclamations are true, but Tiger Woods has finally won his first PGA Tour since 2009 and appears to be playing better golf these days than he has at any point in the last 2.5 years. Now the stage is officially set for what could potentially be the greatest showdown at Augusta that the world of professional golf has ever seen with Tiger, Phil and Rory all looking to extend their legacies in golf history. And just about all of that preceding sentence was true.

Lamar Odom called the boos from fans in LA “confusing and hurtful” when the former Laker showed up with his new team, the Dallas Mavericks, and, truth be told, he’s totally right. That was fucked up LA. Real fucked up.

Brian Bogart

Photo: Ytoyoda

Peyton Manning

vs. Everyone A pro and con for Pey ton Manning’s decision Now that Peyton is a Bronco, did he make the right choice?

Brian and Luke duke it out to determine whether or not Denver was the right fit for Manning. Hilarity ensues.

Brian: Pro

Luke, you’re an idiot. Don’t get me wrong, Peyton Manning had his share of teams he could choose from and, chances are, couple he could have gone to that would have worked out just fine for him. But why don’t we take a look at what made Denver such a great choice for ol’ number 18. First of all, he’s staying in the AFC, a league he’s all too familiar with when it comes to reading defenses and, seeing as how he’s forgotten more football than you and I will ever know, that in itself is an invaluable asset to have for a field general of Peyton’s caliber.

Oh yeah, and he also has a guy named John Elway as the GM doing literally everything in his power to ensure he wins another championship, and if I’m not mistaken, that Elway guy knows what it’s like to win a Super Bowl in your mid-30s.

Then, of course there’s the elephant in the room: The fact that the Denver Broncos were a one-win playoff team with Tim Tebow at the helm. Someone who maybe stacks up

It’s still far too early to call that, especially given the fact that they have an absolutely brutal schedule heading into this year. But in Peyton’s eyes, this isn’t just a one and done.

Denver seems to be where he wants to finish his career, and, given the resources at his disposal, who can blame him? And whether he plays for two more years or six more years, it’s clear he’s in it to win another ring. Even if it doesn’t come this year or the next, he will ultimately be validated once it happens.

Luke: Con

Look, I’m a Chargers fan, so anything I’m going to say about Peyton’s decision to sign with the Broncos is going to have a nasty bite. Elite quarterbacks are hard to find, and it sucks when you have to play them twice in a season. But even at my most biased, it seems pretty objectively ridiculous that Peyton, a guy who could play pretty much anywhere, is headed to Colorado.

quarterback. And then, of course, there are the 49ers, whose defensive stoutness and rigid offensive persistence brought them a few fumbled punts short of a Super Bowl

In Peyton’s eyes, this isn’t just a one and done.

Denver seems to be where he wants to finish his career. with Peyton Manning in terms of leadership, but is light years behind him when it comes to ability on the football field. Given the fact that Denver is a pretty young team with good top-to-bottom talent in the first place that should only be getting better heading into next year, they can really benefit with a veteran presence like Peyton Manning in the locker room.

Now look, I’m not saying Denver is automatically bound for the Super Bowl or even a really deep playoff run this year.

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His other primary suitors included Tennessee, San Francisco, and Miami, three teams that offer the kind of championshipminting potential that Denver doesn’t quite have right now. The Titans are rolling with a solid receiving core that brought them to the brink of playoff contention with the skeletal remains of Matt Hasselback; the Dolphins, despite their record, showed a bewildering amount of talent and youth, enough to make Reggie Bush look like an every-down back and Matt Moore like an ascending

birth. That’s before the Randy Moss and Mario Manningham signing a few weeks ago.

No. Instead, Peyton Manning, arguably the greatest quarterback of all time, signed with a Denver team built on perennial underachiever Willis McGahee, the promising but unrefined receiving talents of Eric Decker and Demaryius Thomas, and a young defense that, while ascending, got completely ravaged by Matthew Stafford, Tom Brady and Ryan Fitzpatrick. They were nobody’s dark-horse Super Bowl pick. I don’t

know many who even had them winning the west with what’s been brewing in Oakland and Kansas City. It just doesn’t add up. I mean, come on, Brian. He could’ve been in a city like San Francisco, with a 49ers team that could seriously be on some Joe Montana shit with how that defense is playing. How do the Broncos even enter the conversation?

Manning picked the path less travelled.

Perhaps he sees something we don’t, perhaps he’s interested in rebuilding a franchise left in the dust after Elway retired, perhaps he just has a connection to Denver.

He could’ve gone quietly and happily to plenty of uncontroversial spots, but instead he kicked out the Tebow circus, inevitably sparking a media maelstrom, and is now attempting to fix a pretty mediocre football team. It’s a difficult thing to quantify when you’ve got a pedigree like Peyton does.

Brian Bogart and Luke Winkie

A fan from a distance How to pick your Premiership squad Intercontinental fandom is a strange thing. The best soccer leagues in the world are an ocean away, and as Americans have become more and more interested in the beautiful game, we start picking our teams for incredibly arbitrary reasons. No geographic or cultural implications, just a sense of “I don’t know, I just decided to go with them.” We’ll never weather a lonely Mancunian winter to catch United make another victory lap, but we can watch it all go down in a Plucker’s. So how about you? Have you always wanted to be a Premiership-head but never had the right team to get behind? No worries. Here’s our guide to the English soccer team that best suits you.

Chelsea Chelsea makes a lot of sense for Austin for the simple fact that one of the biggest Chelsea fan clubs gathers right here in town.

We are of course talking about the Austin Blues, an organization we’ve written about in these very pages. Essentially the Chelsea ilk come together at Cuatros to chant, hiss and

you prefer to spend your nights alone and anonymous, you ought to go with the mythical Wolverhampton Wolves. You know how Canadiens fans or Cubs fans get really smitten and glassy-eyed when they talk about their team’s ancient successes? That’s kinda how Wolverhampton people are. The last time the team did anything incredibly significant predates World War One. They’ve been kicking around mediocrity ever since, and they sport some of the ugliest jerseys in a sport known for ugly jerseys. Recommended if you have an allergic reaction to success; any and all Cleveland fans ought to apply.

Arsenal Picking Arsenal makes a lot of aesthetic sense. Firstly, they’re one of the most traditionally successful teams in the league, and they sport a goddamn cannon in their insignia. A lot of the difficulty Americans have with engaging in British sports comes with the stuffy nondescript names. Chelsea F.C., Manchester United, etc. Well, here’s

A lot of the difficulty Americans have with engaging in British sports comes with the stuffy nondescript names. Well, here’s a team called Arsenal with a cannon. revel in traditional warm-blooded festivities.

What that means for you is you’ll have an immediate community to associate yourself with, and you’ll get to drink with your friends at six in the morning. What could be better?

Wolverhampton Of course if an immediate community of friends isn’t what you’re looking for, and

a team called Arsenal with a cannon.

Americans should be lined around the block.

Manchester City Let’s say you’re not looking for anything serious. Let’s say you want to bandwagon for a brief, adulterous affair with the Premiership with a hip team with some colorful characters in the same way everyone became a Clippers

Ryan Giggs of Manchester United is the most decorated player in English football history. Photo: Gordon Flood

fan after Chris Paul showed up and Blake Griffin became a minor celebrity. Well, here’s Manchester City. No longer in the shadow of its powerful older brother (Manchester United might as well be the Lakers), they’ve got an FA Cup and an upbeat style of play.

They also have a ridiculous Italian named Mario Balotelli who’s near-constant flow of antics rivals early 2011 Charlie Sheen.

Manchester United But screw all that. You just want to shoot for the stars. You’re the Texan who’s the Yankees fan, the

Steelers fan, the Habs fan and the Celtics fan. Give me a constant stream of puffed-up smarm or I’m not buying. Then Manchester United is the team for you. Easily the most branded and public club in the history of English soccer, Manchester United was winning championships before anyone alive right now could remember. They are one of those teams. Almost boring by how successful they are. You know how no matter where you go in America you’ll always find another Cowboys fan?

That’s kinda how Man U works. Welcome to the party, your trophy is waiting.

Luke Winkie UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

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Photo: Staff Sgt. Bradley Lail, USAF

The Saints go marching out Was the harshest punishment in NFL history fair?

It’s the 21st century, folks. Hell, not just that, but we’re in the 2010s these days and no entity is more aware of that fact than the NFL. The game has changed, and in this day in age the National Football League is sending a message that is loud and clear: Player safety is the number one priority.

If there was any doubt in people’s minds that the league was talking the talk more than they were walking the walk, that was quickly erased when Roger Goodell came down on the Saints harder than Vince Wilfork at a 24-hour buffet. When the dust settled, the results spoke for themselves: a full year of suspension without pay for head coach Sean Payton, an eight-game suspension and $500,000 fine for general manager Mickey Loomis, a $50,000 penalty for the Saints themselves, and the loss of two second-round draft picks. Oh, yeah, and the former Saints defensive coordinator who orchestrated the bounty program in the first place? Suspended indefinitely from professional football.

particular case with heavy scrutiny. He even went as far as to say that he viewed this Saints bounty program as an opportunity to clearly ring in the new era of the NFL. In an interview Goodell mentioned that “this is a seminal moment in the culture change we have to make... This has to stop now. Every team needs to hear the message that we’re in a different era now, where this appalling behavior is going to end.” Well, the message was heard and now the city of New Orleans is in total flux.

But, like many famous scandals, much of the punishment has as much to do with the initial denial of the bounty program as it did the bounty program itself. While Goodell made it clear he does not like bounty hunters, he made it even clearer that he also hates liars. He also made it

like the blink of an eye. But that’s the cruel, unforgiving nature of the NFL. At least that’s the story these days and Roger Goodell is sticking to it, and now that he’s walking the walk, it will be interesting to see how this shifts the culture of the league, if at all.

If Roger gets his way, the road will be paved with sunshine and rainbows as teams all over the place realize that safety is the number

It was clear from the beginning that the punishment was going to be severe.

While the entire city of New Orleans (nay, the entire cajun southeast) continues to protest, hoot and holler over the severity of the punishment, we are left with one question: Does the punishment fit the crime? Like just about anything that requires close examination, the answer is not just black and white. While safety is always the most important rule of any institution, it’s pretty clear that Goodell is doing everything in his power to send a message. Seeing as how this is the first case of its kind and it’s coming on the heels of the “new and improved” National Football League, it was clear from the beginning that the punishment was going to be severe. Besides, it’s hardly like Goodell made it a secret that he handled this

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March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

clear he hates lawsuits against his league ever since the flooding of subpoenas started breaking through the NFL’s walls the more and more former players find out about the long-term effects of head injuries. Ever since Goodell has made a more concerted effort to put his money where his mouth is, it really is not all that surprising that the Saints got punished so severely.

Even in the midst of all the bounty program nonsense, which was a dumb mistake for the Saints to make in the first place, one can’t help but feel kind of bad for New Orleans. For a franchise that was so bad for so long (the better part of half a century, to be honest), it certainly hurts to see the Saints have everything they worked so hard for taken away in what seemed

one priority of the game, even if the point of football is to inflict punishment on the other team. At this point, however, we all know that if a change is going to happen, it won’t happen overnight. It has been clear, though, that for the last two years there’s already been a dramatic shift in the game’s culture and as long as that trend continues, football as we know it will become a completely different game.

Now only time will tell just how farreaching these consequences will be, but context is ultimately what will reveal just how fair this punishment was. So stay tuned, because it’s a new era in the NFL and just about everyone is watching.

Brian Bogart

UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

WIN TICKETS

People arrested in FBI raid and list of charges Hussein Ali Yassine age 40

Sami Derder age 38

• conspiracy to launder monetary instruments • three counts of money laundering

• conspiracy to distribute 500 grams or more of cocaine • distribution of cocaine

Mohammed Ali Yassine age 38

See The Dream live at The Beauty Ballroom

with CJ Hilton & Sterling Simms

Saturday, March 31 Doors: 8:00pm Show: 9:00pm

• money laundering • two counts of conspiracy to distribute 500 grams or more of cocaine • transferring a firearm knowing it is to be used in a drug trafficking crime

Edgar Orsini age 40

Hadi Ali Yassine age 35

Nizar Hakiki age 32

• conspiracy to launder monetary instruments • two counts of money laundering

• conspiracy to distribute 500 grams or more of cocaine • distribution of 500 grams or more of cocaine • transferring a firearm knowing it is to be used in a drug trafficking crime

Marisse Marthe Ruales age 33 • conspiracy to launder monetary instruments • four counts of money laundering

Alejandro Melendrez age 42 • two counts of distribution of cocaine

Amar Thabet Araf age 29 • conspiracy to distribute 500 grams or more of cocaine • distribution of 500 grams or more of cocaine

Visit the UWEEKLY Facebook Page for details on how to enter

• conspiracy to distribute 500 grams or more of cocaine • distribution of cocaine

Karim Faiq age 29 • conspiracy to distribute 500 grams or more of cocaine • distribution of 500 grams or more of cocaine • conspiracy to distribute 5 kilograms or more of cocaine

*500 Grams = a little over a pound **5 kilograms = a little over 11 pounds Photos: Bastrop County Sheriff’s Office, Caldwell County Sheriff’s Office

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Several Austin bars close after FBI, Austin Police Department raid Ten arrests made for multiple accounts of money laundering, possession, distribution of cocaine Money laundering and possession of a whole lot of cocaine led to the FBI raid of four Austin bars last week. The detention hearing for the 10 people arrested during the raid was held early March 27.

The FBI, in conjunction with the Austin Police Department and the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, raided Pure, Treasure Island, Kiss & Fly and Fuel. All of these bars as well as several others in Austin are owned by the Yassine family.

Hussein Ali Yassine, who also goes by Mike, his two brothers and their sister, as well as Roial General Manager Sami Derder were all arrested and appeared in court Tuesday in green jumpsuits and handcuffs.

Derder and two other suspects posted bond and were allowed to leave the courtroom.

All four bars in the raid have been closed and their licenses suspended.

Sarah Neve

On your mark, get set...

Texas Relays coming to Austin this weekend Is there really any good that comes out of the annual track and field event we all know as Texas Relays? The question is often answered half-heartedly. The event is like a SXSW for running junkies and, just like the Austin festival, shares a love-hate relationship between out-of-towners and Austinites.

Although the Texas Relays bring in over 40,000 people each year, and generates an estimated $8 million for local businesses, the amount of road closures and obnoxious cheers and chants can be overbearing.

Multiple streets were partially or completely closed during last year’s 83rd Texas Relays, and in 2007 there were unconfirmed reports of fights at Highland Mall.

Although the spectator sport has often been praised for its impact on young AfricanAmericans, the event has caused much controversy throughout the years. Such was the case when Highland Mall closed their doors early after the fights that occurred.

Many saw the move as racist; Austin NAACP President Nelson Linder spoke with the city council shortly after it happened and protested the mall’s closure.

Although the spectator sport has often been praised for its impact on young African-Americans, the event has caused much controversy throughout the years.

“The city has never really embraced the relays,” said Linder in a 2010 article with The Statesman. “They have not promoted the event like they have Austin City Limits, the Republic of Texas Rally or South By Southwest.”

A lot happens in Austin, and in order for these events to continue, profit must be made

off of them. Part of this is why festivals like ACL and SXSW are promoted so much: SXSW brings in $98.8 million dollars, 10 times that of Texas Relays.

Along with safety issues, many also believed that the closure was due to profiting issues as well.

“I think it was about commerce,” said Urban Music Festival organizer Donnell Creech in the same article.

Like all of the other events that occur in Austin, the Texas Relays will have to shape itself in order to become a more prevalent voice in the city, which it seems to be doing this year. The after parties offer an array of different entertainment: there will be artists performing throughout downtown, and this year’s Urban Music Festival happens to land around the end of the Texas Relays. Along with that is yourrelays.com, a website made to put the spotlight on events happening throughout the same time as the Texas Relays.

UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

The move hopes to make visitors feel more welcome, and to make the event much larger for following years.

Do the Texas Relays suck? Some say yes; some say no. Like all mid-to-large events in Austin, the Texas Relays have to deal with those who support and oppose it, but considering that they’re still here, they’re doing something right.

Eli Watson

UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

17

Have you tried

turning it off and on again?

Tips on dealing with nightmare customers In order to keep up with expenses, most college students need part-time jobs.

Unfortunately, most of those jobs lie in the service industry. Whether you’re a waiter, in retail or a delivery driver, you learn very quickly that customers are assholes. These jerks are a dime a dozen and you’re just going to have to stick it out. Why? Because the customer is always right.

The one thing you should take away from these jobs is that the customer is almost never right. You still have to suck their dick for money (metaphorically of course) because you need to pay rent. If you’re fresh into the service world, let’s hope your spirit hasn’t been broken yet. In the meantime here’s a few tips on how to deal with grumpy customers.

Leave them to the manager Even though yours is the lowest job on the food chain, most people seem to think you and the CEO are BFFs. Because you wear the shirt, you represent the company. If you’re like most of us in the service industry, you probably don’t give a shit if they’ve been customers for years. If any customer starts giving you a hard time for just wearing the company logo, hand them over to the manager. Let them deal with the headache.

Once customers get to some kind of figure of authority, they have this crazy idea that they’re actually making a difference.

Most customers are scumbags and have figured out that if you throw a tantrum for long enough, you can get what you want. It’s an unfortunate truth, just because most service workers will give these customers what they want to get rid of them.

Smile and kill them with kindness A lot of workers deal with difficult customers by being extra nice to them. It’s our way of being an asshole to them while not actually being an asshole at all. If you smirk at them, it’s one of the quickest ways to raise their temper, but if you smile then you give off the appearance that nothing is wrong at all.

You can give the impression that you’re a professional at dealing with problems. The secret is that you’re cursing them on the inside and by smiling you are politely saying “fuck you.” If you gain the ability to smile in the face of adversity, you can do pretty much anything. You don’t have to feel happy, but if you can fake it you’re in. Learn what the corporate personality is and adapt it whenever you deal with customers. They don’t think you’re a human being anyway.

Give them a sideways insult Most customers are idiots. They wander into your store or restaurant like helpless animals, needing direction for ever y thing and wanting someone to hold their hand.

Guess who gets to help them for hours on end?

Yep, that ’s right.

Welcome to the world of stupid people asking stupid questions.

You can actually insult them if you word things correctly and use the right tone. Most people even admit to being stupid, at that point you just laugh, say yes, and change topics quickly. There’s an ar t to how you can tell customers

Most customers are idiots. They wander into your store or restaurant like helpless animals, needing direction for everything and wanting someone to hold their hand.

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that their intelligence is inadequate. Of course it all depends on where you work.

An insult at an of f ice retail store might be dif ferent from an insult at a French restaurant. The key is to keep smiling, change topics, and continue on. Your low tolerance for idiots will be satisf ied and you get to keep your job without getting in trouble.

Don’t take it personally So maybe your job entails having to sign up customers for membership cards. It’s a pain in the ass, but membership cards give customers a false sense of entitlement and community. It makes them think they’re more special than all the other customers that shop there. We all know that it doesn’t, but your boss has a quota you need to fill. The customers that come into your store and refuse membership are just trying to avoid getting spammed.

Even though you’re just doing your job, you got to learn how to brush off constant rejection. You can even use this tip with the customers that come in screaming that the return policy is bogus. Remember that you represent a corporation or a bigger name. You don’t have to feel bad if you can’t fulfill a customer’s request because it goes against policy.

The most important thing to remember is that this job is temporary. Even if you get stuck there, you have to keep thinking that there’s a better job out there for you somewhere. These people see you as a servant, and you may not always be able to correct them. If anything, working in the service industry gives you a better perspective on people who do work at McDonalds or Dillard’s. You understand that they’re just doing their jobs, and that they’re not corporate robots. Although, replacing us with robots does sound like a better idea.

Celine Suarez

How to Tip: Sit down dinner: 18-25 percent after tax. Waiters make $2.13 and hour. Don’t be an asshole.

Take-out: 10-15 percent after Tax. Cab Ride: At least 10 percent. More if it’s over 15 miles, your friends are drunken idiots, or you have several stops.

Delivery: At Least 15 percent. Lazy ass.

Haircuts: 20 percent. Unless you really hate the cut, then you should ask them to fix it and still leave at least 10 percent.

It’s also nice to give the person who washes your hair a couple dollars if it’s a different employee than your stylist.

Mani/pedicure: 20-25 Percent. This may not be standard, but come on.

They have to touch your nasty feet. And for god’s sake, take a shower and shave your legs before you go in. Heathen.

Bar tabs: 20 percent at least.

Cash Bar: At least a dollar a drink for beer and wine. Two dollars or more for mixed drinks.

Coffee to go: $1 Coffee shop: $2. More if you get food.

Please consider that while you are sucking down free refills and frantically typing up that paper you put off all weekend, someone else is cleaning that store, paying that electric bill, and brewing you fresh coffee.

General rules: • Tipping less than a dollar is tacky.

• Over-tipping someone you are sleeping with is really tacky.

• When you split checks, make sure the collective total tip is appropriate for the total of the bill. It’s basic math, and you can do it on your iPhone if you’re and idiot.

• It’s acceptable to call your friends out for being shitty tippers

Kim Kardashian flour-bombed

The inner circle Making gay and lesbian friends Once you’ve finally taken the plunge While at first it may seem like you have to (pun intended) and come out of the closet, just hang with the first gays that come along, the first thing many of us do is try to find you do have options. And those options others who share our same “interests.” This usually involve putting yourself out there occurs for many reasons. One is to try to get and spreading yourself thin, so to speak. laid; a second is to actually make some friends.

While the line between friends and fuck Location, location, location buddies is notoriously blurry in the gay What do I mean by that? I mean that you have community, some of us like to keep those lines to do the leg work. You have to research and distinct. For those of you who want to make find other gays in your area that are interested in things that don’t involve being gay. Pick friends who are gay, and not gay friends whom any area of life that interests you secretly lust after, you have you. It could be politics or your work cut out for you. sports. It could be charity But there’s hope! While or spirituality. Any of gay bars are usually the “While gay bars are these common areas first step in seeking usually the first step in of interest invariably refuge in the storm of have a sub-group a hetero-normative seeking refuge in the storm of gays that also world, it should be support them. considered just that: of a hetero-normative world, Do you want to The first step. A baby it should be considered just know a secret? The step, if you will. Gay best place to find other bars are by no means that: The first step.” gay people to hang with the beginning and the is on the Internet. I know. end of one’s gay clique. But, You’re saying that meeting if you are at a loss as to how to people online is for old, lonely, pathetic find some queer folk you can hang with, losers. Not so! The Internet is a powerful tool never fear; Prism is here! to use in launching your personal gay war.

Type and kind As with most things in college, you have to The first thing you have to do when trying to do the research. You have to be the one to seek out and make new, awesome gay and research what groups exist and when they lesbian friends is to identify what kinds of meet. Then you have to make a sincere effort friends you want to make. Do you want to to get involved and stay involved. meet other gays and lesbians that you can Disclaimer: the Internet is also a place where go out and drink with? Do you want to make you can, if you want, find sexual and romantic LGBTQ school allies? Do you want to meet partners. While that’s fine and dandy, that isn’t healthy and fit queers? exactly what we’re talking about here. We’re Just like in everyday life, the type and talking about finding other gays on sites such quality of people you surround yourself as MeetUp.com, not horny lesbos on OkCupid. with is up to you. Furthermore, the type and quality of gay friend you surround yourself Do not troll with is also up to you, since it takes so much One of the great things about branching effort to reach out and meet these people. out and making new gay friends is that you’re

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March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

Last week on Thursday in West Hollywood, entertainer Kim Kardashian was drenched in flour by a young woman. The incident happened on the red carpet after Kardashian finished posing for photographers for her new fragrance, True Reflection. The flourbomber went between Kardashian and her publicist, and began dumping the contents on the reality TV star. Reports indicated that the assailant did it for Kris Humphries, Kardashian’s ex. Kardashian played it off cool though, even making jokes about the incident after getting cleaned up. One of the possible jokes: “This isn’t the first time I’ve been covered in something white.”

Photo:Luigi Novi

“Survivor” star hopes to be next Indiana governor

Fox News has never been at the top of people’s go-to list for information. Fox News commentator Geraldo Rivera is now part of that problem, as the TV personality made this opinion on “Fox and Friends” regarding the Trayvon Martin shooting: “I’ll bet you money that if he didn’t have that hoodie on, that nutty neighborhood watch guy wouldn’t have responded in that violent and aggressive way.” Of course, shit hit the fan soon after, with many individuals taking to Rivera’s Facebook page to criticize his opinion. This would not be the first time a Fox News commentator has flopped; Fox analyst Juan Williams was fired

by National Public Radio in 2010 for saying that he gets nervous when he sees people on a plane with clothing that identifies them as Muslim. Way to go, Rivera; way to go.

First there was the Governator, now there may just be the Survivornator. Originally a part of the 2004 group of “Survivor,” Rupert Boneham now hopes to survive against competition to be Indiana’s next governor.

After being nominated as a third-party choice Saturday, the former reality TV star is confident that he’ll succeed. “I really feel I have a strong chance of pulling not just the Libertarian vote, but the independent vote, the undecided vote, and maybe even some votes from Democrats and Republicans,” said Boneham in an interview with the Associated Press. Having been a Libertarian for more than 20 years, Boneham feels prepared for the job. Seriously though, maybe there should be a requirement for governorship: Only apply if you’ve ever been an actor. Would it lead the U.S. into ruin?

Absolutely, but it’d be amusing to see.

Eli Watson

surrounded by gay people. Hooray! What could possibly be wrong with this equation?

Well, let’s see. There’s group inbreeding.

That’s where members of a group swap partners and change relationship status with each other every other week. Then there’s posing/lurking.

This is when you pretend to be interested in the group, but you’re actually looking for someone or something more. Wink, wink.

Do not join gay-oriented groups in the hopes of landing a date because, for some reason, this always backfires. It’s as if the other

in the group can sense your true motivations and that automatically marks you as someone who can’t be trusted for the simple fact that you’re hiding your true intentions. If there’s one thing that you need to keep clear, it’s who you consider a friend and who you consider a potential lover. You have to put yourself out there to attain both, but you can’t approach all gays you meet the same way. Decide who you want to befriend and who you want to fuck.

Then go from there.

Amanda Chappel

Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera: Hoodie had role in death

celine suarez consoles coming out in the next two years, I’d really prefer to only buy one. FPS games are great, but you can only get Mario and The Legend of Zelda on one console. Then again, you just can’t beat those Xbox 360 controls. Motionactivated controls with Assassin’s Creed III may just make you look like an idiot. There’s a reason why there aren’t too many FPS games for the Kinect.

Wasteland will get sequel thanks to Kickstarter

New Xbox announcement delayed Microsoft has no problem dangling its new toy in front of its millions of customers.

They built tension high with that faux advertisement for the Xbox 720 in the movie Real Steel. Sadly enough, the advertisement was probably the most exciting part about that movie (it’s disappointing that fighting robots weren’t enough). Xbox gamers will have to wait longer than expected for Microsoft’s official announcement to be released. Most people were expecting for some kind of announcement to be held at this year’s E3 convention in June. Microsoft spokesperson David Dennis told Bloomberg. com that “There will be no talk of new Xbox hardware at E3 or anytime soon. For us, 2012 is all about Xbox 360.”

Well, thanks a lot for the over-hyped bullshit.

Apparently they’re going to announce the new system in 2013. They could just be blowing steam, but I think they’re actually waiting to see how Nintendo does with its upcoming release

Less than a month ago, Double Fine Game Studio managed to raise over $800,000 for video game production through Kickstarter. com. Wasteland, the famous RPG that dates back to 1988, has taken on this challenge of gaining money through Kickstarter for a sequel. Achievement unlocked: Raise $1,500,000. It’s unbelievable how much money these game developers are raising. Fan funding combined with digital distribution may just create a new era of gaming. Instead of depending on publishers, of the Wii U. Nintendo will lead the way, then we can actually fund the games we want Sony and Microsoft will play the waiting game to fund. Kickstarter allows artists like Brian Fargo, creator of Wasteland, to gain funding and see who has the balls to go first. from anyone who’s willing to donate.

Brian Fargo, founder of Interplay Entertainment, demonstrated in his Kickstarter video how ridiculous game With Nintendo’s 3DS blunder, many publishers can be. I can’t even begin to people are excited for the understand why publishers release of the Wii U just wouldn’t fund the creator of to see the console fail.

Fallout and Fallout 2. If you There will be Of the many things haven’t played Wasteland, that the Wii U has you can download it no talk of new Xbox advertised, it boasts for free practically hardware at E3 or that it would be able anywhere. It’s fantastic to run video games in all of it’s 8-bit anytime soon. For with 1080p high apocalyptic glory. Once us 2012 is all about definition graphics. you get hooked, you This opens the door for can donate $15 and get a Xbox 360. a lot of third party games, copy of the sequel for digital like the Assassin’s Creed download once it comes out. series. Ubisoft made an official Wasteland II will be a turn-based announcement that the latest installment RPG and will be available for download of the series is in development for the Wii U. October 2013 (or, hopefully, sooner).

This is really exciting. With all the new Celine Suarez

Assassin’s Creed III in development for Wii U

UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

21

The

battle of ROUnd-up This week on Versus, we do the incredibly obvious thing and talk about Round Up. Is it a neon diarrhea shat out on the otherwise lovely population of Austin? Or can you actually find some glitter in the garbage? We take to the streets to find out.

Luke Winkie

Where’s your neon at?

• I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t in neon this weekend. —Annie Welsh

• Never. Look at me. N-E-V-E-R. —Linda Kipp

• The neon makes me wish I went to A&M. —Samuel Westbrooks • I keep it under my shirt at all times. —Raymond Rivera • To think our parents are paying thousands of dollars for us to dress like fucking howler monkeys. —Harry Vice • I had neon socks! —Edna Duda

Did you wake up in a frat house this weekend?

• No comment. —Claire Escobedo

• God. Never again. —Jessica Francis

• That’s like an every week thing for me. —Ernest Ray

• Please, I’m not a freshman anymore. —Elaine Hartman

• There’s no shame in that, frat houses are comfy!

—Melanie Canton

• That’s kind of the low-point of the college experience.

—Willie Bryant

Are you really a greek person, or are you just here for the drinks?

• There’s nothing wrong with being greek! —Scott Baca

• Let’s not be judgmental now. —Delores Saul

• Please. I smoke American Spirits. You think I’m involved in the greek system? —Fred Lampkin • Shh! You’ll break my cover. —Esther Cowan • I’m actually kind of ashamed to be here right now.

—Joseph Palumbo

Seriously, isn’t Round Up kind of awful?

• Drinks are free, don’t care. —Jessica Countryman • Yes, but that’s what makes it wonderful! —Juan Bodnar • It beats sitting on my ass playing MLB 12. —Charles Wicks

22

March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

• It is pretty fucking unbelievable that this is a place of education. —Antoinette Beech • It makes Austin look bad. —Christopher Valentine • I’d go so far to say that it’s worse than Relay week. —Cindy Maples

n

Photos: Eli Watso

DALUPE 2610 GUA NE) KERBY LA O T T X E (N

2

4.14.12

YEAR ANNIVERSARY

TONS OF SPECIALS & PRIZES

ALL DAY EVENT

UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

23

nkfurt Photos:Tweety Fra

chupacabra

The local

400 East Sixth Street

2610 Guadalupe Street

VARSITY BAR

2324 Guadalupe Street

Beauty Ballroom 2015 E. Riverside Drive

You’re this week’s winner!

Contact us on Facebook to collect $25!*

the stage

508 East Sixth Street

24

March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

chupacabra 400 East Sixth Street

nkfurt Photos: Tweety Fra

the stage

508 East Sixth Street

VARSITY BAR

Beauty Ballroom

2324 Guadalupe Street

2015 E. Riverside Drive

chupacabra 400 East Sixth Street

The local

2610 Guadalupe Street *If your face is circled, you’re this week’s winner of Barstars! Contact us Mon through Wed (9–5 p.m.) to collect $25 cash! (Be sure to Facebook us to let us know you won!)

For more party pics, go to uweeklyATX.com.

UWeeklyATX.com | March 28. 2012

25

Super Crossword

Crypto Quip This is a simple substitution cipher in which each letter used stands for another. If you think that X equals O, it will equal O throughout the puzzle. Solution is accomplished by trial and error.

26

March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

ART WORK

Clue: W EQUALS F

Sudoku

tactics

Local instrumental band to perform live score to Nosferatu

It’s a common staple at the Alamo Drafthouse for a band to perform a live score during a silent film. Local instrumental band My Education did it with Sunset. Now Tactics will try their hand at it at 7 PM on March 28 with a live score to Nosferatu hosted by New Flesh at The Vortex Repertory Theater. The band took time from their rehearsal to chat with UWeekly to talk about the approach on a performance like this.

How did this idea come about? How did you get approached to do this?

Brett Thorne: Well, Vince, who works with New Flesh, he apparently was watching Nosferatu a couple of weeks ago and had some Tactics on in his bedroom. Then he said from his bedroom he could hear the music while he was watching the silent movie and it synced up perfectly, so that’s how he got the idea. So it was like destiny, basically. You can put destiny. Just put destiny.

So what made you decide to do this?

Logan Wexler: It was a no-brainer.

Ross Bennett: There was a message that said you’re doing this.

LW: And then we were.

Daniel Vega: Brett doesn’t say no to anything.

BT: It’s true. For better or for worse.

OK, so how do you prepare for something like this?

BT: Ugh. RB: Not very well. Three hours of practice time all at once?

BT: Yeah. That’s one way.

Was there a game plan going into this?

LW: Me, Glynn and Brett watched it and sorta wrote stuff down and played stuff.

BT: Got some ideas.

RB: More like a pick-up game going into this.

LW: This is very quick. Next time, I want to plot it out better.

BT: Yeah, he pitched the idea two weeks ago, maybe. So there hasn’t been a whole lot of preparation time.

Photo: Sarah Vasquez

made into songs and just cramming it into this movie.

BT: And we’re going to be playing some of our stuff too, so it’ll be a mix of new stuff with the old, the hits.

LW: There’ll be a Tactics song you’ve heard. Yeah, one of the hits will be in there.

BT: It’ll find its way in there. But it’s a creepy movie, so we’re trying to make it kind of creepy. But we’re trying not to be heavy-handed about it with no

“I think a lot of times the best stuff comes out whenever you’re just winging it in some way.”

LW: Well, I’ve never seen people do live score. I know they do it, but, like, not a lot.

DV: This is our audition for the Drafthouse. First, we’re doing the live score for Nosferatu. Then we’re gonna do a live score for Toy Story 2.

Glynn Jordan: I feel like this also works because we’ve always been looking for something to enhance our live performance. I think this is something that definitely works to that end.

LW: Post-rock’s boring without visuals.

DV: No, just feel the music, man.

LW: It’s like you can think about anything when you’re listening to instrumental music, and when you’re watching a movie, you can’t necessarily.

BT: It’s about the cues.

LW: Yeah, it’s like you’re watching this. This is what the song’s about. It’s about Nosferatu.

GJ: Yeah, I think music and visual things go together a lot, so that’s why they have scores for movies.

BT: Yeah, it just seemed like something fun to do.

DV: We’d also like to get into the scoring business, any of you independent filmmakers.

RB: We had to gear up for South By (Southwest Music Festival) so we really couldn’t prepare earlier than that.

DV: And then the week after South By, you don’t want to touch your instrument.

GJ: I think a lot of times the best stuff comes out whenever you’re just winging it in some way.

LW: I feel like this will be a good preparation for when we do it the next time, and we’ll plot it out and write down stuff.

BT: When we’re getting paid millions to do it, it’ll be awesome. Jurassic Park 4. In theaters this summer. Tactics.

DV: Wait, it’s almost summer now.

BT: Yeah, I know. It’s gonna be crazy.

DV: So, no, it’ll be the same thing. We have two weeks to score Jurassic Park 4.

What kind of tone or mood are you going with this score?

BT: As you can see, we’re very serious about everything.

Because with Tactics, the music is a little lighthearted, I guess.

DV: We’re basically taking all the riffs we haven’t

diminished chords apparently. We’re trying to be subtle, but we’re also trying to stay true to the tone of the film.

GJ: I think it’s pretty difficult, though, because it’s an older movie. So the format of it is a little different, I feel like. I think it’s been a difficult part of it, but I think we’re getting it. Getting it down all right.

DV: It’s not that hard. There’s a scene with a werewolf, and we play music that’s heavy when there’s a wolf on camera. When there are no wolves, then we don’t play heavy.

GJ: Yeah, I wish we would have had more time to do everything, but it’s just the way it is, and we’re gonna do our best. It’s gonna be good.

DV: Can’t always be ideal. Is there a common phrase that has that sentiment?

LW: You can’t always get what you want.

DV: You try it sometimes. You might find you have two weeks. Just get it done.

GJ: I’ll be down for doing Nosferatu again sometimes.

BT: Give it another go, yeah.

Sarah Vasquez UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

27

Wednesday

thursday

The Jiggy Crunk Sing-Along

Texas Stars

@ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

@ Cedar Park Center, 2100 Avenue of the Stars

There are very few options these days for the more white and nerdy of us to get either jiggy, crunk or maybe both at the same time.

It seems that society has conspired against the geekier of us from either occasionally being “Big Pimpin’” or having the chance to be caught “Riding Dirty,” forcing us to come to the existentially absurd fact that capitalism is thwarted by the harsh reality that “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” Now is your opportunity to do all of the above, with others, at the Jiggy Crunk Sing-Along. Puff Daddy costumes are encouraged.

Tickets: www.originalalamo.com

The top events & shows in Austin this week Will bass 28

Wait a minute, we have a hockey team?

While they may be minor league, you still get some of the grizzliest outlaws on ice this side of the Canadian border. Outlaws who won’t hesitate to elbow an opponent in the face when the ref isn’t looking or bring the goalie out of the net to shoot a knuckle puck from half ice to win the game. In addition, there seems to be a mandatory quota of fights per game. So if you’re into that, they’ve got it. Bonus: You get to ride the train out there. Toot Toot!

Tickets: www.ticketmaster.com

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

Easy Tiger

Heaven for Betsy

Digital Antique

Codename Boris

Mario DiGiorgia

Capitalist Kids

Girlie Night: Bring it on

Thursday Night Social Ride

Todd Rundgren

The Preservation

Red Eyed Fly, 715 Red River

Beerland, 711 Red River

Skinny’s Ballroom, 115 San Jacinto

Mohawk, 912 Red River

Beerland, 711 Red River

Cap City Comedy Club, 8120 Research Blvd Alamo Drafthouse Village, 2700 Anderson Ln La Zona Rosa, 612 W 4th

Fiesta Gardens

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe

friday

Master Pancake:

Sex and the City

@ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

Make Friday a guys’ night out. However, instead of heading down to dirty Sixth and seeing who can get arrested the fastest or staying in at your bro’s and seeing who can drink the most Natural Lights with a time bomb strapped to their chest, take the boys down to see Sex and the City. Master Pancake are providing the perfect opportunity to enjoy all the schlock and awe of this film. The Pancake crew give a running comedy commentary of the movie, providing zingers, one-liners and all sorts of comedy relief for this atrocity.

Tickets: www.originalalamo.com

►►Also Worthy

Heart and Soul Soundsystem Mohawk, 912 Red River

ATX Comedy Jam

Austin Music Hall, 208 Nueces

Seth Sherman

Hole in the Wall, 253 Guadalupe

Reckless Kelly

Gruene Hall, 1238 Gruene Rd (New Braunfels)

Traditional Family Values (Exhibit) Visual Arts Center, 2300 Trinity

March 28, 2012 | UWeeklyATX.com

T R E NYDETY CLASSY

OPEN 7

AFFORDABLE ITALIAN CLOTHING

DAYS A

2815 GU

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E ST

saturday

sunday

monday Funniest Person in Austin Contest @ Cap City Comedy, 8120 Research Blvd

Everyone thinks they are funny, but who is the funniest in Austin? If you think you are, then bring it on; or, you can just come out and watch people who think they have got the stuff make an ass of themselves.

Austin Urban Music Festival @ Auditorium Shores

If you are a child of the ’90s, you no doubt had some sort of relationship with some of the artists on this bill.

They’ll take you back to a time when putting on a mix CD of your favorite top 40 R&B slow-jams and cracking open a couple of Smirnoff Ices for your lady-friend that you picked up at Warped Tour was all you needed to do get laid.

Jerry Jeff Walker @ Gruene Hall, 1238 Gruene Rd (New Braunfels)

A pilgrimage to Gruene is a requisite for Texans, native or not. Now you have no excuses to make the short drive and catch this Texas Outlaw and Sangria Wine enthusiast before he is hanging with Mr. Bojangles in the afterlife.

►►Also Worthy

Harry and the Potters Mohawk, 912 Red River

Mount Carmel

Beerland, 711 Red River

Fools Follies (Play) Vortex, 2307 Manor

Tickets: www.jerryjeff.com

tuesday Terror Tuesday: Shakma @ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

There usually isn’t much to do on Tuesday, except perhaps see a crazed baboon kill people for a dollar at Terror Tuesday.

►►Also Worthy

►►Also Worthy

ESG

Super Creeps (David Bowie Tribute)

Three Bad Jacks

Danny Malone

Hotel Vegas, 1500 E 6th

►►Also Worthy

Johnny Legend

Zilker Garden Festival

Alejandro Escavedo

Zilker Park Botanical Gardens

Continental Club, 1315 S Congress

Afternoon Tea: Elizabeth

AMOA Talking Art

Tittie Bingo

Arthouse Austin, 700 Congress

The Highball, 1120 S Lamar

Soul Train Party

Brannen Temple Group

Smithers

Red 7, 611 E 7th Beerland, 711 Red River Continental Club, 1315 S Congress Alamo Drafthouse South, 1120 S Lamar The Highball, 1120 S Lamar

Tickets: www.originalalamo.com

Mohawk, 912 Red River

315 Congress

Beerland, 711 Red River

UWeeklyATX.com | March 28, 2012

29

►►Pluckers

►►Cain and Abel’s

2222 Rio Grande

2313 Rio Grande

Mother Plucker Mugs

$8 32 oz. Texas Teas from 7 PM-close

►►Tiniest Bar in Texas

►►Touche

$3 Jack, Jim, and Jager

$1 Schnapps

►►Chuggin’ Monkey

►►The Library

817 W 5th

417 E 6th

Shangri-La 1016 East 6th Street

219 E 6th

407 E 6th

$2 Wells/Domestics

$1 Domestcis/Wells, $2 Imported Bottles

►►Chuggin’ Monkey

►►Sapphire

219 E 6th

411 E 6th

$2 wells/domestics til 10 PM

$2 You Call It til 11 PM

►►Mother Egan’s

►►Shakespeare’s Pub

715 W 6th

317 E 6th

$3 Guinness

$4 Bombs

►►Trudy’s

►►Mooseknuckle Pub

409 W 30th

406 E 6th

$4.95 Sangria ritas

$2 Wells/Domestics til 11 PM

►►Agave

►►Dizzy Rooster

Whenever you’re venturing through the annals of Dirty Sixth, do you ever look across the 35 overpass and think “what could possibly be on that other side?” If you’re a hipster reading this, chances are you already know. If you aren’t, however, let me introduce you to what we like to call “East Sixth,” a region littered with notable bars such as Cheer Up Charlie’s, Icenhauer’s, and Logan’s.

On the upper echelon of these bars stands Shangri-La, a nifty little joint that boasts a full bar, swanky patio, and even a jukebox to crank out all your favorite tunes. Besides being one of the nicer bars on the East side, Shangri-La also offers cheap drinks and even hosts a trivia night on Mondays. Plus, the bar is also named after a mythical Himalayan utopia and, more recently, a female doo-wop group from the ’60s. If that doesn’t scream “good time” to you, then you clearly don’t know what a good time is.

Brian Bogart

►►Rain on 4th

607 Trinity

306 E 6th

217 W 4th

.50¢ wells, $2 any beers, $3 mixed shots, $3 bombs

$2 Domestic/Wells/Jello Shots

$1.50 Lite Beers, $2.50 Wells

►►Treasure Island

►►Lavaca Street Bar

►►Cuatros

413 E 6th

405 Lavaca

1004 W 24th

.25¢ wells, $1 triples and kamikaze shots, $4 bombs

Big Beer Mondays. $6 25oz

$2 Tecates and Modelo Esp. $5 Deer and Beer

►►The Ginger Man

►►Bikini’s Sports Bar & Grill

►►Maggie Mae’s

301 Lavaca

6901 I-35

323 E 6th

Service Industry Night

$4 Big Daddy Drafts

$2 Wells

WIN TICKETS

Saturday March, 31

To see The Dream live a The Beauty Ballroom with CJ Hilton & Sterling Simms

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