January 25, 2012 by Jess Pendleton

THE INDEPENDENT VOICE OF UT AUSTIN

Photo: Eli Watson

JAN 25, 2012

WWW.UWEEKLYAUSTIN.COM

VOL 4 ISSUE 02

JANUARY 25, 2012

To Drop

Take it Easy Tiger:

Now we know

UWeekly sits down

FREE 5 da

or not to Drop

For a

The people behind 24 Dinner open a bakery & beer garden on Sixth

A look at who’s playing in this year’s Super Bowl

with Delicate Cutters

PLUS ACACIA BLACK LIGHT & BETA KAPPA GAMMA PARTY PHOTOS

fer of

Limited q uan tity /

CRUIS

y/4 n

ll new

ight

lease

Pop, lock, and drop it

Nobody looks forward to this point of the semester. The moment where you’re dangerously teetering on the borderlands of being able to drop with a refund, debating all the intangible worth of sticking to the Astronomy class you half-heartedly registered for the night before classes start. Don’t worry, we all have that kind of class, and we’re all struggling. There’s no hard and fast rule when it comes to preemptive, loss-cutting class dropping, but here are a few of UWeekly’s suggestions.

Look at the other classes in the section Recently I found myself sorted in a lecturehall government class at three in the afternoon. I had a feeling I was in trouble when the professor was proclaiming his difficulty in a ratty pair of Wranglers, but I knew there was a problem when I realized that every other class was completely full except for his. Even the ones at 8 AM. When you’re sorted in a class with a teacher that kids are willing to wake up at 7 in the morning to avoid, you’re treading dangerous territory. There’s absolutely no reason to rot with a tenured, drill-sergeant prof for a general requirement, so drop it and register for tennis or something.

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Gauge the attractiveness of everyone around you

This one kinda works both ways. On the one hand, if you’re really passionate about a specific subject and surrounded by other interesting people similarly passionate about the same specific subject, it might serve as some great motivation. Flexing your hard-asnails knowledge about Colonial Latin America and making all the girls swoon is probably the easiest path to an A. However, if you’re sitting listlessly in Burdine’s auditorium staring at that Mediterranean girl’s thigh-highs, or that Peruvian boy’s triceps, you’re probably not going to retain too much information about “Gulliver’s Travels.” It’s hard, I know, but it’s for your own good.

Just how bad is the accent? If your rhetoric professor has a silky, Europeanflecked west-Arabic accent, that’s nothing to complain about. In fact, getting hypnotized in those sorts of things is what makes comparative rhetoric go down smoothly. But if you’re straining with all your might to decipher the complexities of Vietnamese pronunciation with a TA that’s only had her visa for a week (no lie, that’s actually happened to me), it ain’t gonna be smooth sailing. They’re likely wonderful people,

UWeekly’s tips on deciding which classes to cut

with incredibly interesting perspectives on human geography, but the awkward struggle with intercontinental language divisions is certainly going to inconvenience your day. Get over that American guilt and drop the class.

Will you be able to use it at parties? Recently I used my knowledge of the Qing empire to impress a few people at a social

you’re debating. The ladies might not respond to computer programming zingers, but being able to recite “Ode to Autumn?” That’s worth at least one group project.

Don’t feel bad for dropping a class that starts too early Let me tell you something, as a 20-year-old peer, that your mom refuses to tell you. It is okay to drop a class that starts at 11 because you don’t want to wake up at 10. I know, I get it. If you’re not waking up past noon you’re going to be using your backpack as a pillow by four. We all know the groggy logic we use to justify skipping class in the morning, and the hours of guilt that follow. We went through 12 grades of waking up impossibly early; I think we owe ourselves a little refuge. So set that alarm, wake up at lunchtime, and start your day the college way.

However, if you’re sitting listlessly staring at that Mediterranean girl’s thigh-highs, or that Peruvian boy’s triceps, you’re probably not going to retain too much information about “Gulliver’s Travels.” gathering I unwittingly stumbled into. If you can’t use knowledge of the Qing empire to get pussy, you’re going to the wrong parties. Was that sole moment of success worth the C+, 10 AM start time, and three blue book exams? Well, I’m not sure, but I certainly feel good about it now. Use this method with the class

Luke Winkie

Good Deeds

Protesting SOPA and PIPA

Round one in the battle of intellectual property

Recently, many US citizens became aware of the controversial bills SOPA and PIPA through online protests by sites like Wikipedia and Reddit. In response an internet-wide uproar, the Stop Online Piracy Act, which would have given the government more tools to combat intellectual piracy but to also stifle freedom of expression, has been removed from the floor. Although lawmakers have abandoned the controversial SOPA and PIPA bills, that doesn’t mean the fight is over. We must not forget that the majority of the protests to the SOPA and PIPA bills were conducted online, which is the very forum that would have been muffled if these bills had passed. Without the internet, how many of us would have known about these society-altering bills? My guess is not many. Now that we know that bills like SOPA and PIPA are in existence and that lawmakers have these libertycrushing ideas in mind, we must keep an evervigilant eye out for legislation that would cripple not only our individual rights but our country’s sovereignty as well.

“Without the internet, how many of us would have known about these society-altering bills?”

What are SOPA and PIPA, and where did they come from? The Stop Online Piracy Act was introduced by House Judiciary Committee Chairman Lamar Smith. US Representative Lamar Smith (R) of Texas’ 21st congressional district, which includes the majority of Austin and San Antonio, penned the SOPA act in an attempt to continue his fight against the misuses of the internet. Smith also penned the Protecting Children from Internet Predators (PCIP) Act, which passed in the summer of 2011.

The Protect IP Act is a proposed law that gives the US government all but free reign to decrease the presence of sites that promote copyright infringement as well as the sale of counterfeit goods. File sharing sites like MegaUpload.com have already been ceased by the government on suspicion of conspiracy to commit copyright infringement, among other things. Opponents of SOPA, which include Google, Yahoo!, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, AOL, Mozilla and eBay, point out that “deep packet inspection” would have involved privacyinvading analysis of user information. It would also affect the location of IP servers and may cause a large shift of US internet domain service providers to move their operations

Photo: Jesse Chan-Norris

offshore. These are just a couple of flaws in the long list of kinks in the SOPA and PIPA bills. It’s also ironic to note that the majority of the content that SOPA and PIPA intended to target was largely entertainment in value and purpose, while leaving underground online cyber systems like BitCoin and Silk Road off its radar.

Fightin’ the Man There are many different things you can do to protest the SOPA and PIPA initiatives and any other censorship bills that the government proposes. As of now, there are many websites that offer free banners that you can put on your website, if you have one, that directly protest these proposals. You can also use old-fashioned paper by writing your congressmen as well as state senators. Don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and give them a piece of your mind, either. For those of you who don’t know (but should), your congressman is Lloyd Dogget and your US Sentaor is Kirk Watson. Amanda ChappeL

Congressman Lloyd Dogget: 300 East 8th St #763 Federal Building Austin, TX 78701 Phone: 512-916-5921 1-866-916-5921 Texas State Senator Kirk Watson Capitol Office: EXT E1.810 Capitol Phone: (512) 463-0114 Capitol Address: P.O. Box 12068, Capitol Station Austin, TX 78711 Texas State Representative Elliot Naishtat Capitol Office: CAP GW.16 Capitol Phone: (512) 463-0668 Capitol Address: P.O. Box 2910 Austin, TX 78768 District Address: P.O. Box 2910 Austin TX 78768 UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

Photos Courtesy: Easy Tiger

Take it Easy, Tiger New eatery on Sixth wants customers to slow down, stay awhile Easy Tiger opened on Monday to much Koltuniak who has worked as a designer for fanfare and many clinking pint glasses. The Madonna, Courtney Cox and, closer to home, new eatery, which is owned and operated by 24 Diner. Her touch can be seen in the pink and the same minds behind 24 Diner on Lamar, black cameo wallpaper and the hand lettered got started early in the morning for those windows that face Sixth Street. wishing to start their day with a freshly On Monday night, diners snacked on a variety baked pastry, and stayed open late for those of artisan sausages and pastries and washed wishing to end their day with a cold beer. them down with a selection from Easy Tiger’s vast Evelyn Sher, a partner of ELM, the collection of craft beers. The menu is moderately group which started 24 Diner, said priced with sausages running for abut $7 and her group hadn’t even considered the most beers falling between $4 and $7. possibility of opening a combination Yvonne Shakir, Easy Tiger’s general bakeshop and beer garden. manager, said she was pleased with “We hadn’t planned to the first day’s turn out. merge the two ideas “Anticipation for this until we saw the place to open has been “Having a bake shop space on East long-coming,” Shakir Sixth Street,” said. “We had a at the street level and Sher said. regular following the beer garden below, “Having a at 24 Diner which with its immense patio bake shop has been really at the street amazing. really overlooking Waller level and the good word of Creek, just fit the spot— beer garden mouth has gotten and the two ideas below, with its us out there and immense patio where we are now.” really came together overlooking The restaurant’s at that point” Waller Creek, just launch was not without fit the spot—and the its share of obstacles two ideas really came though. The building that together at that point” houses Easy Tiger is one of the The restaurant is headed up by oldest on Sixth Street and is a historically David Norman, the artisan baker whose work preserved site, so before any hammers could has taken him all over the country. Billy Caruso, be swung or screws turned, there were plenty the drink slinger who has unparched many of hoops to jump through. Downstairs, where palettes at 24 Diner. Andrew Curran, a Culinary the beer garden sits, one can see the massive Institute of Austin valedictorian whom some braces that support the ceiling right where the may recognize from a run on last fall’s Top two huge ovens sit upstairs. Chef: Texas, and rounding out the cast of The ovens are put to good use by Norman characters behind the new eatery is Veronica and his team, whose work day usually begins

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

at 10 p.m. and doesn’t wrap up until about 10 a.m. the next day. This means freshly baked bread for the morning crowd and one twisted sleep schedule for Norman. “It’s kind of crazy because we have two young kids at home,” Norman said. “I’ve done this before with night shifts but right now is kind of crazy.” Easy Tiger’s bakery is open from 7 a.m.-2 a.m. and the beer garden is open from 11 a.m. - 2 a.m. Brett Thorne

Texas State Relishes New Status, Focuses on Future The view of the Texas State University campus from its president’s 10th-floor office windows in San Marcos may be the same as it was last week, but the institution has fundamentally changed. The difference is a seemingly minor word change in the records held by the Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board. In mid-January, Texas State was classified as an emerging research institution. Texas State joins seven other public Texas universities that are a step below the research university status held by the University of Texas at Austin and Texas A&M University. Denise Trauth, Texas State’s president, expects the classification to enhance her university’s reputation and to help recruit students and faculty. More tangibly, the new classification is a ticket to participate in a race to become the state’s next great public research university. Though being named a research university brings significant infusions of money, entry into the competition does not guarantee the reward. But Trauth said Texas State had been building momentum for years to reach this point, which she called — quoting Winston Churchill —“the end of the beginning.” In 2004, Gov. Rick Perry called for the establishment of a statewide accountability system for higher education. As part of the effort, the coordinating board divided

institutions into five groups: research, emerging research, doctoral, comprehensive and master’s. At the time, the categories were deliberately not tied to financing. But that changed five years later, when legislators passed a bill establishing incentive funds meant to create more top-tier universities in the state and restricted eligibility to the emerging research institutions. Although Texas State had fewer doctoral

the last decade. Research expenditures in the last fiscal year were about $33.5 million, more than double the amount required to be considered an emerging research university. Starting in fiscal year 2014, Texas State will be eligible for payouts from a matching-fund program that has already granted more than $80 million to the seven other institutions. If the budget allows legislators to put money back in the program—an open question—it matches only new gifts of at least $100,000. There is fierce competition among the universities for the limited money. University administrators are adding development officers to help and are working on a strategic plan for further growth. Even more money awaits campuses that are able to meet the state’s definition of a tier-one university, which requires even higher levels of research output and endowment funds. Trauth said Texas State was still far from meeting those criteria. “It’s going to be a stretch for us to get that far in 10 years, but are we going to push, push, push?” she said. “Absolutely.” Reeve Hamilton This article originally appeared in The Texas Tribune http://trib.it/zaVM1P.

the new classification is a ticket to participate in a race to become the state’s next great public research university. graduates and smaller annual research expenditures than the original emerging research universities, it had higher enrollment, graduation and retention rates than many other schools. “I think we were miscategorized from the beginning,” Trauth said. This year, the university projects that it will award 78 doctoral degrees, compared with the 15 it conferred six years ago. Doctoral enrollments are up to 404 students — an increase of more than 580 percent in

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

Dayplanner

Amanda Chappel

Events on or around campus Wicked January 25-February 12 The wickedly popular musical Wicked comes to town and graces Austin with its presence. It will be in town for less than a month, so get off the fence soon about attending. Unless, of course, you’d rather travel to Chicago or NY the next time it’s performing there. Bass Concert Hall Learnin’ bout the environment

January 25-May 2 Yearn to make a bigger impact in our society’s quest for sustainability and green living? Well here’s your chance. Learn more about the campuswide initiatives to reduce, reuse and recycle. Parlin Hall 6-7:30 PM

Free pizza! January 26 Attend the inaugural meeting of the Texas Freedom Network Student Chapter and unite with fellow freedom fighters. Raise your fists and your voices in a battle cry to keep church and state separate in Texas politics. Austin’s Pizza (2324 Guadalupe) 7-8 PM Row, row, row your boat January 26 Join the UT Row team just in time to beef up for summer. No experience

Publisher Michael Huereque needed.Sculpted arms required. University Teaching Center (UTC) 2.112A 7-8 PM

Under da sea

January 26 Up where they walk! Up where they run! Up where they stay all day in the sun... Can you hold your breath underwater for a long time? Me neither. That’s why God invented scuba tanks, snorkels and a whole host of expensive yet magical underwater breathing equipment. Come join the UT Scuba Club as it holds its first meeting. Beginners welcome. Student Activity Center (SAC) 3.112 7-8 PM

Light becomes sound January 29 NYC’s Patrick Resing will lead you on an enchanted daytime tour through campus while you wear earphones that transform light into sound. I wonder what you’ll hear. Contact Xochi Solis (xochisolis@ utvac.org) to reserve your headset. Art Building (ART) 1-3 PM

Art Director Jessica Caraway Ad Designer Terry Kennedy Editor–in–Chief Sarah Neve Copy Editor Daniel J. Frimpter Campus Writers Amanda Chappel Luke Winkie Sports Writers Ryan Betori Brian Bogart Entertainment Writers William M. Bass Devon Tincknell Sarah Vasquez Karissa Rodriguez Brett Thorne Elijah Watson Arryn Zech Circulation Jeremy Tooker

Wednesday, Jan 25 W Basketball , Missouri

CONTACT uweeklyaustin.com editor@uweeklyaustin.com facebook.com/uweeklyaustin Austin, Texas

7:00 PM

Friday, Jan 27 M Track, Arkansas Invitational Fayetteville, Ark. 11:00 AM W Track , Houston Invitational & Multi’s Houston, Texas TBA Saturday, Jan 28 M Basketball , Baylor Waco, Texas 12:00 PM W Basketball , Texas Tech Lubbock, Texas 2:00 PM W Tennis, Alabama (ITA Kick-Off Weekend) Nashville, Tenn. 10:00 AM M Tennis, Maryland (ITA Kick-Off Weekend) Austin, Texas 10:00 AM

M Track, Arkansas Invitational Fayetteville, Ark.

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

11:00 AM

PUBLISHER Highbrow LLC

Saturday, Jan 28 (cont.) M Swim & Dive , Arizona Tucson, Ariz. 12:00 PM W Swim & Dive , Arizona Tucson, Ariz. 12:00 PM W Track , Houston Invitational & Multi’s Houston, Texas TBA

ABOUT UWeekly Austin

Sunday, Jan 29 M Tennis, Michigan or Texas Tech (ITA Kick-Off Weekend) Austin, Texas TBA W Tennis, Vanderbilt or Arizona (ITA Kick-Off Weekend) Nashville, Tenn. TBA Monday, Jan 30 M Basketball , Missouri

Austin, Texas

8:00 PM BRIAN BOGART

UWeekly Austin is an independent publication and is not affiliated with the University of Texas at Austin. One free copy per person. Additional copies may be picked up at our office for .50 each. Opinions expressed are those of the writers/authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff or publishers of UWeekly. Not liable for omissions, misprints, or typographical errors. No part of this publication may be reproduced without the written consent of the publisher. © Copyright 2011 Highbrow, LLC

Opinion Air It Out

That’s what she said.

Photos and Interviews by Brian Bogart

What are you looking forward to most in the new semester?

Dear guy playing flash games in the middle of class, Look, I doubt we’re that different. We both probably grew up on Newgrounds, we both have an affinity for stripped down tower defense games, and we both have, at best, a tertiary interest in this Intro Psych section. But seriously, if I see one more fucking pixel flash through the corner of my eye I’m going to smash your laptop so fucking hard on your hands you’ll have the WASD keys permanently grafted on your fingertips. I do hope those letters have some familial relevance, for your sake at least. This is college, not summercamp, the least you could do is

“I’m looking forward to the American College Dance Festival that I’m choreographing for and graduating!”

“My job, which is working at a daycare, cause I love kids.”

“I’m mostly looking forward to my Thirsty Thursdays because I have Fridays off!”

“I’m looking forward to getting A’s in my 20 hours this semester and doing volunteer work.”

Aly DelCueto

Sydni Kipp

goof off on something innocuous like Facebook, at least then I can judge you passively, rather than actively. Just please tune down the flashiness for both of our sakes. Just pretend like I’m your mother behind your shoulder.

Sincerely, 300+ streak in Fruit Ninja

Melissa Brown

“I got a new job as an administrator for Young Life, so I’m super stoked about that.”

Trish Durham

Lauren Murphey

“Graduating. And I’m also excited to perform in Curtain Up, a musical revue we’re working on for the end of the semester.”

Melissa Rosko

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

Playoffs. You wanna talk about playoffs?! Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Well, boys and girls, it’s finally happening. It comes around once every year and yet sometimes it seems so magical that you wonder if it’s ever going to come again. I’m talking, of course, about the Super Bowl. Even though we find ourselves at just about the end of the 2011 football season, we saw a lot of compelling story lines play out over the course of this playoff season. As we wait in anticipation for the Patriots and the Giants to square off in the Super Bowl for the second time in five years if Giants are in, what better time to reflect on the playoff season that was than now? Obviously there is none, so read on and relive the glorious road to the Super Bowl that saw some incredible heights as well as some deplorable depths.

Alex Smith beating Drew Brees in a shootout In a game that was destined to prove whether the 49ers were real or not, Drew Brees and Alex Smith engaged in a quarterback duel that saw both quarterbacks make big plays when their team demanded it from them. The only problem for the Saints, however, was that when they got their chance to respond to Smith’s late-game touchdown pass to Vernon Davis, there were only nine seconds on the clock and the game was all but over. After essentially being labeled a “bust” for the better part of his career, Alex Smith finally delivered on an enormous stage for

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

a franchise that had been yearning for the days of Joe Montana and Steve Young. Given the successful marriage thus far between Jim Harbaugh and Alex Smith, it may only be a matter of time before 49ers fans start remembering their names in the same way.

Lights, camera, Tebow Was he one of the greatest college football players of all time? Absolutely. Is he one of the most polarizing figures? Certainly not. Is he one of the most over-publicized figures in not just sports, but pop culture as well? You bet your ass he is. But whatever your opinion of Tim Tebow may be (and I know you have one), there’s no way in hell you could tell me that his 80-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas to beat the Steelers in overtime was anything short of thrilling. Sure, the stigma that has followed Tebow ever since he’s become a highly publicized athlete had a little something to do with just how exciting that play was. But it was one everyone got to experience as one nation, fixated on the Bronco quarterback and, for one glorious moment, Tim Tebow proved he could win big at the NFL level.

Wide left Seriously, what is this? A Florida State national championship game or something? After Joe Flacco’s would-be go-ahead touchdown pass to Lee Evans got batted out at the last moment, all the Ravens had to

do was kick a 32-yard field goal to send the game into overtime. But kicks aren’t made on paper, and all Ravens fans nationwide could do was cringe as the football cruelly sailed left, setting up Tom Brady to take the victory pose once the Patriots repossessed the ball. Was it something of an anti-climactic ending? Maybe. But the Ravens and Patriots

and lows that go on in the course of the season, and no team experienced the vast levels of those extremes quite like the Green Bay Packers. After going 14-0 to begin the season, the Packers hobbled into the playoffs just about as much as any 15-1 overall first seed could, but it was apparent heading into

Alex Smith finally delivered on an enormous stage for a franchise that had been yearning for the days of Joe Montana and Steve Young. delivered the goods on both sides of the ball for much of the game that it was a shame to see it end on a note like that. Even sadder was that Ricky Williams was denied a chance to go to the Super Bowl after he had performed so admirably at his advanced running back age of 34. Ricky did so well, in fact, in averaging over four yards a carry that the Ravens might see fit to bring him back next year, for what could easily be his last rodeo. As long as Williams is doing his thing, though, I’ll keep on cheering.

The Pack-Attack get tamed There’s something poetic about the enormous disparity between the highs

the postseason that the Packers just weren’t quite the Packers in the final few weeks of the season. Did it have anything to do with the mental and physical pressure that came with being the team to beat for essentially the entire length of the football season? It would be hard to think not. When Green Bay squared off against the Giants in the divisional round of the playoffs, however, it was clear the Pack-Attack was all out of sorts and played themselves out of the championship at home. Don’t get me wrong, the Packers will be back, but this playoff run is one Cheeseheads will want to forget sooner rather than later.

Houston Texans win their first playoff game After a decade of wallowing around in relative obscurity, the Houston Texans set their sights on one thing and one thing only this year: make it to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. What ensued was an admirable 10-6 campaign, even at the heels of losing their top two quarterbacks and their number one receiver for a lot of the season. Even though third-string QB T.J. Yates performed well, and even now currently holds as many playoff wins as Tony Romo, with one, Texans everywhere would love to know how Houston’s season would’ve shaken out if Matt Schaub stayed healthy all year. The good news, however, is that they should find that out again next year, as they are currently the primary power in the AFC South. Brian Bogart

The

Highlight

Reel

After a series of health complications involving a bout with cancer, coaching juggernaut Joe Paterno passed away at the age of 85. After some time and reflection, I think history will see Paterno with more favor than distaste, as someone who probably did what he thought was right. After all, it was a pretty blatant injustice that Paterno was fired by the very institution he informed of Sandusky’s wrongdoing. But whatever your opinion may be of JoePa amidst the scandal that clouded the final part of his career, at least have sympathy over the fact that the last two months of his life were probably his most tumultuous and troubled and neither the public nor the media did him any favors in that regard. Rest in peace, JoePa. I don’t care if it’s the selfish thing to do, but this is my section, dammit, and I’m putting myself in this week’s highlight reel. That’s right. After not playing laser tag since I was a wee lad, I got 3rd and 1st place respectively at the two games I played at Blazer Tag with the staff of UWeekly last Friday. My highlights included tagging editor-in-chief Sarah Neve 16 times in a game to her one tag on me as well as holding a slight, but clear, one-on-one advantage against our general manager, Michael Huereque. Anyone who dares to challenge, you know where to find me: at the top of the results sheet.

The stage is set for the NFL rematch of the decade as the Patriots and Giants square off in the second edition of their 2008 classic when the Giants eked out a win over the “Greatest Team of All Time.” Even if this year’s Patriots team probably isn’t as good as their 07-08 counterparts, they are one of the most determined squads I’ve seen in a long time and Tom Brady has that “eye of the tiger” look about him opponents just hate to see. Now that the Patriots have revenge on their mind as well as a Super Bowl, not to mention the late wife of team owner Robert Kraft who the team had dedicated this entire season to, it’s clear that this is going to be one tough team to beat. Already close to 20 games so far in the NBA season and the only thing that’s been clear so far is that, well, no one knows what the fuck is going to happen. With these crazy shortened schedules some teams are caught on off-days, some of the younger and more well-rested squads have their days of utter dominance against more savvy veteran teams, and no one knows how this is going to affect certain players down the stretch. My guess: it gets harder for the older players the longer the season drags on. Now THAT’S a bold prediction. Brian Bogart

Now we know who goes A look at the two that made it past the playoffs We were all hoping for the Harbaugh bowl. The idea of two brothers going headto-head in a Super Bowl is so utterly pumped with storylines, we could probably fill our entire sports section with alternate angles. Instead, we get the second most newsworthy match-up: the rematch. It’s almost like we’ve been in a storybook football universe over the past few weeks with the emergence of the Giants’ defense and Eli Manning looking more and more like a grown-up. It’s 2007 all over again, or at least that’s what ESPN will be running for the next two weeks. The differences? Both teams look fairly flawed on the defensive side. Both teams sort of fell into a Super Bowl berth, with New England benefiting from an easy missed kick and a dubious incompletion call and the Giants watching a certain 49er kick returner give up two crucial possessions. And lastly, neither team has historical implications to live up to. The Patriots aren’t undefeated and the Giants aren’t concerned about being the team immortalized as the last to fall to a legendary 19-0 season. The battlefield has been evened, at least on the psychological side. We’re two weeks from Super Bowl XLVI, so here are some things to look out for on first impression.

Which defense is going to be more reliable? Deion Sanders called New England’s defense “hot garbage” halfway through the season, and honestly it might be an understatement. The team has been gashed by everyone; they’re last in the league in yards allowed; and just let Joe Flacco, a quarterback best known for crumpling when forced to put

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Photo: Josh Hallett

up more than 20 points, pick them apart for more than 400 yards. It hasn’t looked good, but Tom Brady, Aaron Hernandez, Wes Welker, and Rob Gronkowski have all been great enough to build a 13-3 record. Sure, Nose Tackle Vince Wilfork has looked unstoppable lately, but seeing Eli Manning hold his own against a bludgeoning San Francisco rush last Sunday isn’t exactly reassuring: he was hit a boggling 14 times. Meanwhile the Giants’ D, while clearly better on paper, completely disintegrated against such embarrassing opponents as the

How will New England’s offensive line react to New York’s front four? The formula to beating Tom Brady, or Pey ton Manning, or any other reputable quar terback has always been simple: get af ter them, jostle the pocket, force a bad throw. Of course, Tom Brady has had a rock-solid line for most of his career, which makes the games he gets beat up in that much more jarring. However, the Giants’ D -line have really emerged late in the season,

It’s almost like we’ve been in a storybook football universe over the past few weeks with the emergence of the Giants’ defense and Eli Manning looking more and more like a grown-up. Seahawks, Cardinals, and Redskins, but also managed to hold the Packers and Patriots to under 21 points. What they’re going to look like in February remains a mystery. It should be said that the Patriots are more mediocre than bad in terms of points allowed, but when lining up against receivers like Manningham, Cruz and Nicks, it’s hard to see that mattering. By either the Patriots’ sheer ineptitude or Tom Brady’s ridiculous level of play, one defense is going to falter in a very important way.

especially with the return of Osi Umenyiora. You may remember them being the primar y wrecking ball to the ’07 Patriots’ resolve, and if that can continue, it ’s hard seeing New England winning. But it ’s even harder seeing the Giants’ secondar y competent enough to handle Welker, Branch, Hernandez and Gronkowski all game. Their def iciencies outside the numbers will have to be controlled by the pressure up front.

How spiteful will Tom Brady be? I’m not a psychic, but it seems pretty clear that Tom Brady is pretty eager to dismantle the Giants after they ruined his pristine perfect season and everlasting mark in history. Hedging on intangibles is reserved for people like Skip Bayless, but this is Tom Brady we’re talking about, God’s second-favorite son. If the storm gathers on his command the Giants are going to end up looking very, very silly. Even worse, New York has been making bold predictions and strutting with confidence in the exact sort of way Bill Belichick loves to tear down. They’re cruising for a bruising, and may God have mercy on the Giants’ souls if Brady is capable of delivering on that bruising.

Who is Eli Manning? Peyton’s younger brother has been good long enough this year that people have been shelving all of the complaints. He’s in a pro bowl, he’s unironically talked about as a top quarterback in the league, he’s made his receiving staff a lot better, and he’s competing for his second Super Bowl. Still, this is the same Eli who, this year, threw three picks against the Redskins at home without much of an excuse. He certainly does look good now, but it almost feels like he’s overdue for a collapse. What better place for that than the Super Bowl? Luke Winkie

Messi, Maradona, and the one they call Pelé With Messi garnering a lot of “all-time” talk given his current form, all-time greats mouth off on the Tiny Magician and each other. Photo: Joan Gamper Trophy

As far as egos go, it’s no secret that a fair amount of athletes can possess a head that’s probably several times the size of whatever ball it is they play with. Such is the way of life. But as bad as the ego of a Ben Roethlisberger or a Tiger Woods might be, they pale in comparison to the inflated sense of self often associated with many soccer players. As is typically the case, the bigger the star, the bigger the head, and no two all-time greats have proven that quite like Diego Maradona and Pelé. Maradona, with his flamboyant personality, flashy jewelery, and penchant for spending money; Pelé for claiming that Maradona must be in love with him after the former Argentinean manager vocalized his feelings that the Brazilian icon was doubting South Africa’s abilities to host a World Cup. Typically after rivalries have had a few, well, decades to simmer down, players usually end up taking the high road and often praise even the bitterest of rivals after hindsight does its due diligence. At least, that’s what we’ve come to expect in the US. After all, if Ali and Frazier could find a way to not speak ill of each other publicly by the time they reached their later years, who on earth couldn’t? I’ll tell you where on earth: just about everywhere that soccer

matters. With soccer’s former stars still fighting for their place in history amongst each other, they now have a new batch of competition to talk down to. Enter Lionel Messi, the greatest player on earth this side of Cristiano Ronaldo. After recently snagging the coveted FIFA World Player of the Year Award for the third year in a row (kind of like soccer’s version of the MVP but for, you know, the world), Messi has

of success: “When Messi’s scored 1,283 goals like me, when he’s won three World Cups, we’ll talk about it.” Not necessarily subtle words from the Brazilian legend, but the message was clear enough. Pelé went on to say, “People always ask me: ‘When is the new Pelé going to be born?’ Never. My father and mother have closed the factory,” asserting his heartfelt belief that there will always be one and only Pelé, no matter what Messi may end up

Messi has now entered that rare territory of being a name that could be stamped in the annals of soccer history for all of time. now entered that rare territory of being a name that could be stamped in the annals of soccer history for all of time. While Messi has been on an otherworldly tear these last few years, he seems to perform better for his club team of Barcelona than when he plays for his country of Argentina. This is a fact that is certainly not lost on Pelé, who won three world cups himself and recently spoke out about Messi’s recent string

accomplishing in his still-blossoming career. Still, Messi is far from being the only soccer star that doesn’t shine as bright for his country as he does for his club team. Lest we forget, that’s the same stigma that has followed Cristiano Ronaldo for the better part of his career, and he’s the only striker in the game right now who comes even close to being in the same ballpark as Messi. After all, it’s only natural: players

play more often with their club teams and are able to develop more chemistry with their teammates. Not to mention the fact that the international stage as a whole has just flat-out gotten more competitive in recent decades. It is hard to deny, however, that Maradona and Pelé’s World Cup medals put them in an elite stratosphere of players when it comes to career accolades and accomplishments, but Messi still has a long way to go before the sun sets on his career. Hell, he’s in great position to keep boosting his resume this season, as Barcelona is currently tied with Real Madrid for the leading spot in the La Liga rankings and there’s nothing to indicate that Barcelona is slowing down any time soon, thanks in large part to Messi. As for the all-time greats, they’ll always hold a special place in our hearts no matter how brilliantly some players are currently performing. But when the time comes that you think back on your life and reflect on who were the premiere guys to watch on the pitch on any given day, Lionel Messi will be on an extremely short list. Brian Bogart UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

this week in face punchin’

UFC debuts on FX with solid fights The UFC on made its debut on FX as part of its new multi-year deal with FOX, and the night provided multiple solid fights to welcome the UFC into its new home. In the main event, former title contender Jim Miller bounced back from a lopsided loss to Ben Henderson, as he submitted fellow contender Melvin Guillard in the first round of their bout. Guillard blasted Miller early in the first round, but Miller was able to survive, and once he got the fight to the ground, Guillard was like a fish out of water, and he eventually fell victim to the rear naked choke. In the co-main event, Josh Neer survived an onslaught from slugger Duane Ludwig to get the fight into his comfort zone on the ground, where he submitted Ludwig with a guillotine choke. Neer appeared interested

Photo: Miller vs. Guillard - courtesy UFC

Morecraft, who opened up the main card with their slugfest. After nearly being submitted in the first round, the striker Barry showed improved submission defense and was able to eventually land a big shot that dropped Morecraft early in the second stanza. The entire preliminary card aired on FX sister channel FUEL TV, and it featured a mix of veterans and newcomers in the spotlight on the night. Veteran Jorge Rivera exited the sport of mixed martial arts on his own terms, as he retired after earning a second round TKO over Eric Schafer in his final bout inside the Octagon. Newcomer Khabib Nurmagomedov advanced his impressive unbeaten record to 17-0, as he submitted former Olympic wrestler

Neer appeared interested in striking with Ludwig early in the fight, but when his face showed that he was clearly losing that battle, he took the fight to the ground and easily dispatched of Ludwig.

Meet us at The Local Pub & Patio every Friday at 4:00pm (2610 Guadalupe) and introduce yourself!

in striking with Ludwig early in the fight, but when his face showed that he was clearly losing that battle, he took the fight to the ground and easily dispatched of Ludwig. In another main card bout, bantamweight prospects Mike Easton and Jared Papazian put on an exciting show for fans that saw Easton come out victorious with the unanimous decision win after he controlled much of the fight. While many felt that Easton and Papazian deserved the “fight of the night” award, that honor was given to heavyweights Pat Barry and Christian

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Kamal Shalorus in the third round of their bout. Two other newcomers picked up their first UFC victories, as featherweight Daniel Pineda and bantamweight Nick Denis both picked up early first round stoppages in their respective debuts. Fabricio Camoes and Charlie Brennaman were also victorious on the night. End of night bonuses of $45,000 went to Barry and Morecraft (fight of the night), Jim Miller (submission of the night), and Nick Denis (knockout of the night). The UFC returns this weekend with its second appearance on FOX, as the event will showcase three fights

that could have title implications. Rashad Evans and Phil Davis will square off in the light heavyweight main event, Chael Sonnen will take on Michael Bisping in the co-headliner, and former middleweight title challenger Demian Maia will round out the main card against undefeated prospect Chris Weidman. ProElite held its third card over the weekend, as former UFC fighter Kendall Grove squared off with Japanese legend Ikuhisa Minowa at ProElite 3 in Hawaii. Grove earned a decision over Minowa in the main event, picking up his his second win in a row. Former Olympic wrestler Sara McMann kept her perfect MMA record intact, as she earned a unanimous decision over fellow top-ten fighter Hitomi Akano. Heavyweights Richard Odoms and Ryan Martinez set up a date in the finals of the ProElite heavyweight tournament, as both fighters were victorious on the night. Odoms extended his unblemished record to 7-0 with a submission victory over Jake Heun, and Ryan Martinez won his fifth in a row with a unanimous decision over Cody Griffin. The UFC is set to return to Atlanta in April, and the event is expected to feature Jon Jones’ next light heavyweight title defense. He could face Rashad Evans if he is victorious over Phil Davis at UFC on FOX 2 this weekend, or Dan Henderson could get the title shot if Evans isn’t ready. With the new Atlanta date, the UFC canceled its trip to Montreal in March, and the Atlanta card will be known as UFC 145. David McKinney

LIVE AT THE STAGE DOORS OPEN AT 7PM

MARCH 28TH

NO COVER

508 E. SIXTH ST. THESTAGEONSIXTH.COM UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

Well Zuckerberg, you really screwed me this time. I would have been perfectly fine going the rest of my life without being reminded of the painted-on Express jeans that may have come from the wrong side of the store but I still wore for an entire sweaty, cramped summer. I’ll admit there’s a certain kitsch to being able to go back and look (confusedly) at all the conversations I had with people who haven’t crept into my consciousness since Tom Anderson was still calling the shots at MySpace HQ and Rupert Murdoch was merely drooling and tapping his fingers together at the prospect of how far he could drive that site into the ground. I’ll even go so far as to say there are some redeeming qualities to your little experiment. The feature that allows you to edit your timeline for an entire week before it goes public is nice (who has made so many Facebook mistakes that they need a week to sanitize their profile?) and will no doubt appeal to anyone who has ever had a brief fling in a past life with someone they’re less than eager to show off. Obviously you’re happy. The Timeline will now

allow you to present advertisements on people’s pages. You can even dress them up to look like events on the Timeline. Well played, sir. The Winklevoss twins probably had to row out like 2000 jealousy meters when they heard about the money-making potential of this new model. I’m not going to turn this into one of those half-baked complaints against the new features or appearance of a social media channel (“Dude, WTF is up with the new Twitter layout. Totes sux!”). We’ve heard enough of those. Remember the outcry when the news feed was introduced? There was weeping. There was gnashing of teeth. Petitions went up asking you to remove the “creepy” and “stalkerish” feature from your site. Now I can’t even think of what Facebook would be without a news feed. Some sort of crappier Google+. That’s pretty crappy. No, this isn’t a protest. Rather, this is a eulogy for a time when information had a lifespan on the Internet. There existed a time when, if you removed Creed from your favorite bands and replaced it with Belle & Sebastian, your new friends would always assume you grew up as

a runny-nosed hipster. I’m not exactly racing to show off my Xanga to all my collegiate and post-collegiate friends. The Express jeans and decidedly uncool musical tastes aside, it’s not out of embarrassment that I wish for a world where the past can remain outside of the present, but out of dislike for the imperfect picture Facebook paints. The Timeline is like having a distant friend, someone you talk to for maybe one hour

“This is a eulogy for a time when information had a lifespan on the Internet.” a week and, very superficially, reconstruct the last four or five years of your life. Now when I look back on, say, 2006, I’m confronted by the fact that I experienced a bit of a serial dater phase. I became “Facebook official” with, like, at least 15 people that year. My romantic conquests were pretty amazing, but even more amazing is the big round hole where that memory should be. Selective memory? Maybe. But when I actually think back about it, I remember that some friends and I used to have a good lark becoming Facebook official with each

other. This explains all the indiscretions and why they crisscrossed gender lines so often. But that’s a pretty broad example. When I read back on conversations with friends from 2006 or 2007, people I hardly keep up with anymore, there are all sorts of things missing. Namely, context. I have conversations popping up on my Timeline from five years ago and I have only vague recollections of what we were referencing or why I used the word “rowdy” so much. Why were these things so important that Facebook is showing them to me again? Then I remember, it wasn’t important. It wasn’t important when we were saying it and the meaning of that “Napoleon Dynamite” allusion that I wrote on Wes Thompson’s wall in 2006 hasn’t snowballed into something of massive import six years later. That’s why we said it on Facebook. The fact is, Mark—and I hope you don’t mind if I call you Mark—your website has never really been anything more than a superficial friend to me and, I would imagine, most of the people reading this, save for those poor souls who find it kosher to post webcam videos of themselves pouring their hearts out to the world and my news feed. So Mark, while the Timeline might prove to be the shot in the arm your company needs before its IPO in May, it’s served only to remind me of how rarely I turn to your site to broadcast the information that matters. The anniversaries, birthdays, graduation days and holidays will be spent with living, breathing human beings. Because five years from now, they’ll probably remember the story better than your site ever could. Brett Thorne

The final frontier FronteraFest is the place to witness some of Austin’s most creative artwork Austin has always been a laboratory of sorts, even if it is run by mad scientists. People aren’t afraid to try new things, ideas, outfits, or sexual identities in this town, always looking to push culture towards towards the liminal and unknown. There is no better incubator in which to see and perform your own artistic experiments than FronteraFest.

FronteraFest is a five-week, multi-venue extravaganza of fringe theatre. The programming at Frontera is bold and inventive, mixing and mingling performance art, puppetry, monologues, improv comedy, and “WTF?” in a blender and seeing what comes out. One of the most striking features of the festival

Annie Laganga, Photo: Big Poppa E

is its fervent support of artistic adventure, offering theater in years, or have never attended at all.” producers, directors, writers, choreographers, If you’ve always wanted to dip your toes in and maybe even yourself a space to tread new the performing arts scene in Austin, Frontera artistic territory. is definitely the place to figure out what “FronteraFest offers the most you do and don’t like. The Short Fringe shows are no longer economical way for new and than 25 minutes, and the established producers, “I am really Long Fringe no more writers, actors, dancers, excited about than an hour. choreographers, and “Especially at improv artists to try exploring the darker the popular Short out new work in front side of pop culture. What Fringe, this underof an audience,” said better way to explore the served audience is Hyde Park Theatre exposed to a wide Artistic Director Ken murky territory of desire variety of styles, Webster. “But just than through the writers, performers, as important as this lens of reality and media in each critical recognition that evening’s performance, Frontera has received is television!” increasing the chance that the fact that FronteraFest’s they’ll see something that $40 Short Fringe entry fee draws them into further exploring continues to make it possible for the local arts scene,” said Webster. Austin artists with limited financial resources Ostensibly, Frontera is an outlet for artists of or from traditionally excluded groups to produce all ilks in Austin to experiment with their crafts. their work in front of audiences.” Frontera’s low overhead allows it to be such At the same time, its low-budget, no-frills, D.I.Y a dynamic festival, cracking open the skull productions seem to be furtively inviting the of what performing arts should be in Austin audience to explore their own artistic fantasies and rearranging the brains inside. Through its for twenty-five minutes or less. radical and adventurous programming, Frontera appeals to an audience that you usually wouldn’t One of the most promising shows that use see at the theatre. “FronteraFest also draws new audiences the more traditional theatre format at Frontera to see theater and dance,” said Webster. is “Holier Than Thou.” Imagine the seamier “Every year, hundreds of people attend underbelly of reality shows. The side of the reality Continued on Page 18 FronteraFest who have not attended the television that

Holier Than Thou

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

the camera is unable to capture. The seething desires, jealousy and contempt, those strange and dangerous emotions that are unable to make their way out of the editing room. “Holier Than Thou” reveals these unsanctioned emotions through a funny and perverse premise where the contestants compete for the powers of Jesus. “It is a dark comedy about what we want, why we want it, and why wanting it isn’t so great,” said the show’s creator Bastion Carboni. The show takes a sort of mixed media format. Structured like an actual reality show, the piece will be intermingled with candid video interviews of the characters. “Holier Than Thou” turns reality television inside-out in order to reveal the innards of

popular culture at large. “I am really excited about exploring the darker side of pop culture. What better way to explore the murky territory of desire than through the lens of reality television!” said Carboni. Nevertheless, while the piece does explore some cavernous recesses, its dark humor will tickle your funny bones just as much as your brain. “With all my plays I want people to be provoked and have something to talk about; I have succeeded if I foster a conversation,” said Carboni. “At the same time, I want people to walk away and think, ‘Wow, theatre is amazing, and I want to see more of it!’”

The Crapstall Street Boys Presented by Trouble Puppet Theatre, “The Crapstall Street Boys” is a Dickens-like tale of monsters, evil parents, and little boys who are put in precarious positions by their parents. Trouble Puppet are Austin’s only all-puppet theatre troupe. While they traditionally wow audiences with Japanese-style table puppets, this show sees them stepping out into new territory with Marionettes. The ways in which Trouble Puppet tells a story with puppets is a sight to behold. One often finds themselves reincarnated into their childhood selves at Trouble Puppet shows. A sense of awe mingles with an eager enthusiasm for life, even if it is only for an hour.

Drawing A Paycheck No one tells stories anymore. Living in an age that is dominated by glowing screens and earbuds, the ritual of gathering in a circle to hear tall and short tales alike is unfortunately relegated to your Grandpa’s underwear drawer. However, performance artist, comedianne and monologist Annie LaGanga deftly reinvents the form for the 21st century. Having performed spontaneous improvised monologues on a boat, in a Hummer limo, and in other weird locations, LaGanga is a queen of her craft. For this Frontera show, LaGanga will

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Lovely Lincoln Lumps: The Story of Slutty Abraham Lincoln

Photo: Brett Brookshire

Continued from frontera fest Page 17

Probably one of the most provocative shows of Frontera Fest is “Lovely Lincoln Lumps: The Story of Slutty Abraham Lincoln.” Sure to draw a large crowd, “Lincoln Lumps” is a one-woman show about the trials and travails of one of our nation’s sluttiest presidents, outside of Bill Clinton. Performance artist Stefany Wood will sing, dance and regale the audience with tales of this storied president. Through the technological power of our time machine here at UWeekly (it is really just a kiddie pool filled with Kentucky Deluxe and paint chips) we had the opportunity to speak to slutty Abraham Lincoln and find out a little more about this licentious leader of the free world. UWeekly: Abraham, why are you so slutty? Slutty Abraham Lincoln: That’s absurd! I’m a married man. I just dress like this so you won’t notice my hideous mole. I have what you might call “low self-esteem.” UW: Do you think we should re-write history? SAL: Overall I disagree with changing history. Except for the time I got shot in the head. I’d change that if I could. UW: What do you hope the audience will take away from your show? SAL: An encyclopedic knowledge of the intricacies of the Civil War, a childlike sense of wonder, thicker and more lustrous hair, and dick jokes. Lots of dick jokes.

UW: What is the show all about? SAL: Imagine if Scarface and Amelie had a baby. Now imagine that baby had sex with one of the Transformers and they had a cyborg baby. Now imagine that baby is a real life Robocop, battling street crime. That was fun! The show’s about dick jokes, mostly. Will Bass

regale the audience with tales of the myriad of strange jobs and failed entrepreneurial ventures that she has taken on throughout her technicolor life while, at the same time, doing portraits of audience members. For those unfamiliar with her personality, LaGanga’s shows are filled with tragedy, comedy, and everything in between, all while functioning as a sort of alternative life coach. At the end of the day, though, LaGanga’s bottom line will always be entertainment. “I want to make an entertaining show, that’s what I hope to accomplish,” said LaGanga. “And I want to experiment with adding visual art-making

to my usual improv storytelling/conversation in order to see what it brings to the show.” Whatever LaGanga brings to the show, the audience will no doubt be inspired to do their own thing. However strange, awful, or uncreative that thing might turn out to be, her message, and FronteraFest itself, is all about just going for it, no matter what that pesky Jiminy Cricket might have to say about it. “I hope the audience will feel encouraged to draw or try drawing from life or just give in to their own strange creative urges more often, to feel excited to experiment.” Will Bass

3016 Guadalupe Street www.frockonvintage.com UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

Top 5 gay dating mistakes Avoid these pitfalls when trying to land your next mate With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, we all have love (and sex) on the brain. Whether you’re dating, single or on the prowl, we all could use some redirection when it comes for searching for love or rekindling the flame. But things aren’t always cut and dry when it comes queer dating, as there are countless ways to fuck it up. Here are the top five.

Dating your fantasy We all create the vision of the perfect person in our head. They are tall, blonde and have stark green eyes. Or maybe they’re exotic and from another country. They have a thick accent so you have to lean in really closely to hear them. You can also assign this person idealistic attributes: they are a painter traveler. They are rebellious, or they are philanthropic. Either way, when you finally do come across your fantasy fuck, you’re likely to only see their physical characteristics and other fantasy attributes rather than the real them. The lure of having a dream come true can turn into a nightmare fast. Not only are you cheating yourself, you’re also setting yourself up for failure. By hooking up with someone who is the real-life version of a life-long fantasy, you’re not giving yourself the opportunity to see the real them, and chances are, they aren’t the Prince Charming you thought they were. Get your head out of the clouds and your feet on the ground. Look at what’s really in front of you.

person is because they remind you of someone else (hint, hint). First things first: If you’re not over your ex, you shouldn’t be dating. It’s not fair to anyone involved. End of story.

Too close too fast

Dating your ex’s twin

Not to exclude gay men, but this seems to affect lesbians more often. While the scientific reasons behind the “U-haul” phenomena are still unknown, one thing is certain: it happens often. Perhaps it’s the physical affection and copious amounts of foreplay. Perhaps it’s our feminine bonding instinct kicked into high gear. Perhaps it’s too much estrogen in one relationship. Who knows why it happens, but it’s got to stop. By rushing your relationship past the best parts (arguably the courting and honeymoon part) right to the declarations of life-long attachment, you’re also rushing it straight towards the breakup. When you rush a relationship into a firmly committed state too soon, it shows that you are insecure and don’t trust that the relationship has staying power. It is also a sign of neediness and codependency. Are “needy” and “codependent” really words you want to use to describe yourself?

This happens when you date someone who looks just like your ex. In this case, two things are obvious: One, that you’re not over your ex; and, two, the only reason you’re with that

What are your expectations when it comes to dating? Are you more detached

“There are countless ways to fuck it up.”

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Unrealistic expectations

SOPA and PIPA do not pass; Wikipedia secretly plots world domination The Stop Online Piracy Act and Protect IP Act were postponed from becoming active this past week due to extreme opposition from online protests. The bills, aimed at foreign websites that infringe copyrighted material, have undergone scrutiny from internet users and companies alike; Wikipedia, Craigslist and Reddit were blacked-out, providing various sources for users to petition the two bills. The funniest and most absurd part of this fiasco? People freaking out over Wikipedia. In forgetting that libraries exist and actually do serve a purpose, people took to the Wikipedia page, many of them finding alternatives to still use the website, regardless of its black-out.

Obama sings Al Green, considers cover album if re-election fails President Obama recently showed the world his soulful side this past week, when singing a few words from Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together.” There were gasps, applause and laughter throughout as the usually reserved leader showed off his falsetto and First Lady Michelle Obama probably flustered (among other things) off-camera. During his

and carefree, or do you need hourly updates and grand gestures of love from your main squeeze? Figure out your attachment style and be up-front about it, even at the risk of losing an opportunity.

Being fake We all want to look and feel our best when trying to bag that hottie we’ve been chatting up. But there’s a difference between showcasing your best features and downright lying about them. Sooner or later, the other person is going to find

campaign rallies you can expect to hear at least one supporter yell, “Let’s Stay Together,” like that one jackass who yells “Freebird” at every rock concert. And, if all else fails, Obama could possibly make a career out of covering songs. Suggestions: Genuwine’s “Pony” or Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s “Got Your Money.” Done.

The death of a legend: Etta James When blues singer Etta James first sung those beginning words to “At Last,” you knew she was a godsend. She oozed a confidence and sex appeal that has since been emulated from soulful divas Beyonce and Erykah Badu to pop queens Madonna and Lady Gaga. The songstress will always be remembered for giving us timeless works of art that transcended anything that was going on during her time. Here’s to you Etta James; may your music continue to inspire, bring people together and console the hearts of many for years to come. Eli Watson

out that you weren’t valedictorian, your family isn’t loaded and you really didn’t save a little kid from drowning the last time you went tubing. Deception can kill desire faster than infidelity. If you learn to be honest about your shortcomings, or just keep them to yourself, there’s a higher probability that the person you’re dating will like the real you and not the fake you. Keeping up a facade is hard work. You’re bound to get tired, slip up and fuck up everything. Just don’t do it. Amanda Chappel

ARRYN ZECH 5. Kill the bad guy. 6. Go back to bureau and be like “Yo, I just killed that guy you said I could.” 7. Go home.

This week we’re going to step it back in time just a little bit with a couple of original game reviews. We’re talking five and ten years ago. That’s, like, ages ago, man….

The first Assassin’s Creed. Or, as I like to call it, Asscreed. After putting the disc into my Xbox, the game opens with a short scene to introduce the our main character and all his badassery. The assassin, who still remains nameless, breaks through a crowd of people to swiftly kill an executioner and races into the crowd, only to disappear in a sea of white-robed scholars. What an entrance. Story: The games is said to be based off of real people and events, which is clearly seen considering the game is set primarily in the time of the Crusades, Templars and all. The actual story is a simple one, though, pretty easy to follow. You begin the game as Desmund Miles, a man who ran away from home after believing his parents were crazy hippies after being told he is an assassin by blood and must follow his lineage when the time comes. A company named Abstergo, who is aware of his history, later finds Desmund and holds him captive. Desmund is put into a machine called the Animus where he must relive the memories of his ancestor, Altair. Altair is a member of the assassins

brotherhood who are currently on the hunt for treasures they call “Pieces of Eden.” You’re sent off to kill a group of men in neighboring cities for their various wrongdoings by the leader of the assassins, Al Mualim, to further your search for the treasure, or so you’re told. After all of the assassinations you learn that, spoiler alert, Al Mualim is actually a Templar and you were sent to kill his competition. I won’t give away any more spoilers, but after all the assassinations (the bulk of the game), the game does kind of get better. Gameplay: The first assassination that you commit is actually pretty cool, as it’s the first one that you do. But it’s the following assassinations that get pretty redundant. The formula is pretty much as follows: 1. Ride horse to city that’s far and forces you to go through cities where everyone hates you. 2. Save a citizen, who will help you sneak into the city.

If you think that’s a lot of steps, try doing it seven times in a row. I almost didn’t finish this game because of how completely repetitive it gets, but I hear the next game gets better. 3. Pickpocket this guy, eavesdrop on that guy, and interrogate that other guy, all while saving a few citizens here and there. 4. Go to assassin’s bureau to get assassination green light.

If you think that’s a lot of steps, try doing it seven times in a row. I almost didn’t finish this game because of how completely repetitive it gets, but I hear the next game gets better. Graphics: The game’s graphics are great, especially when you first enter a city’s boundaries. Altair pauses for a moment at each city’s entrance to let you take in the beauty of the location. Ubisoft spent four years creating the world you wander in as Altair and it clearly shows in the details of the cities you enter. Each city has its own character and feel to it. Jerusalem has a mosque and houses with curved roofs while the English city of Acre is complete with a church and stone buildings with steep, pointed rooftops. It’s interesting to see the different styles of architecture in each city as well as the different types of people and clothing that each city holds. I think Ubisoft really did some research with this game, as they should. Replay value: I won’t play this game again. No matter how many secret flags you hide for me to find, no matter how many citizens I can potentially save, I won’t do it. It was fun, mostly, the first go around, but it took too much effort to even want to finish the game, let alone play it again. Final decision: Overall the game was good, aside from the obvious issues I had with the game. I’d recommend it to friends, but only so they can start the Assassin’s Creed games as a whole. I honestly wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t finish it though.

Halo: Combat Evolved, anniversary style The new Anniversary Edition of the classic Halo game came out a couple of months ago, though the original game came out in 2001. The game itself is the exact same with the only major difference being the graphics overlay that 343 applied. Now, as a preteen in the near beginning of graphics evolution, Halo: Combat Evolved was gorgeous. The realistic qualities of the sky and

land formations were insane to your 11-yearold mind. The Anniversary Edition lets you switch back to this now-primitive state, and you’re able to really appreciate how far we’ve come in technology and gaming graphics. By pressing the “Back” button on your controller you can see the vast difference in the two settings, because you’ve probably forgotten what the original game looked like. The switch goes from a flat and undetailed cockpit with marines with heads that resemble a multi-colored square to a room filled with blinking lights, scrolling text, 3D models of Spartans and a captain who definitely looks sexier than he did before. It’s incredibly amazing how simple some of the changes that were made are. Lighting effects in one room to either make sight easier or casting shadows in places that weren’t there before to hide packs of the Flood from initial view. The details incorporated into this game are beyond words. Rocks have more depth, the sky is a deeper blue or purple, the swamps glow neon green. The graphics change is, to say the least, more than impressive. One of the cool features that the Anniversary Edition presents are terminals. These terminals are little easter eggs around the entire game that give a little backstory or show you things that you missed while you were out shooting up the Flood or the Covenant scum. You gain a much better understanding of the halo ring and its inhabitants as well as, my favorite terminal, shows you what happened to Captain John Keys when he didn’t abandon ship. That was one of the most intense scenes I’ve ever seen in a game, because not only do you have a relationship with the character, it shows you the struggle that he endured to be a great captain. I could watch that terminal over and over again. Mind-blowing stuff there. The most important detail about Combat Evolved: Anniversary is that the pistol is still completely overpowered in both distance range and fire power. Perfect for one shot kills to those pesky hunters. For nostalgia’s sake and just to be able to experience the new and improved graphics is reason enough for me to suggest this game to anyone who already loved the Halo games. Perfect for any collector’s collection. UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

THE BATTLE OF

FIVE GUYS Last issue I mentioned

on you. A large order of fries, and a bacon cheeseburger,

about

and a drink, and a handful of peanuts, before you know

spending a stupid amount

it you’ve dropped 20 bucks. So we ask you, UT, is it worth

of money on a greasy,

the revenue-hit? Is Five Guys always justifiable? Or is it

delicious lunch from Five

reserved for that erstwhile one percent who get mommy-

Guys.

deposits every Friday? Here’s what you had to say.

semi-offhandedly

The

restaurant

has a way of snowballing

Luke Winkie

Does anything taste better than Five Guys? • Yes, the immediate satisfaction you get after finishing a Five Guys. –John James • Absolutely not. It’s the most justifiable 10 dollars in the entire universe. –Eric Grandy • I bet I taste pretty good after I eat Five Guys. –Sarah Randolph

• Yes. I live in Dallas, we have an In-N-Out there now. –Tom Wilson • You could get 20 Jack in the Box tacos for that kind of money. –Luke Winkie • The feeling of actual, healthy nutrition tastes better in the long run. –Syd Tolson

Does Five Guys taste better naked? • I don’t know, I’ve never tried it clothed. –John James • Especially when the hot sauce drips down your chest. –Eric Grandy

• You don’t ask a lady that question. –Sarah Randolph

• It’s better when you look down at your naked body knowing you’re taking care of it correctly. –Tom Wilson

• I usually take it into the bathroom with me. –Gary Nelson

What’s your limit on spending on an individual meal? • However much it takes to purge my self-esteem issues. –John James • I try not to think about that. I’ve got an old-fashioned girlfriend, okay? –Eric Grandy

• I’ve got a rice cooker and a can of black beans, as far as I’m concerned I’m set. –Luke Winkie

• Now that I think about it, Ambien might be cheaper! –Anonymous

• You can’t put a price on stress relief! –Sarah Randolph

You realize you won’t be able to eat Five Guys forever, right? • Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! –John James

• And the world will be a better place. –Syd Tolson

• I know, it’s inspired nightmares. –Sarah Randolph • It’s a more depressing thought than thinking about graduating. –Eric Grandy

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

• Seriously, they’re going to unearth burger joints in a thousand years and they’ll talk about them like the places the Romans used to go to throw up. –Tom Wilson

CAMPUSPHOTOS n Photos: Eli Watso

BE TA KAPPA GAMMA PART Y Affordable Italian Clothing

Acacia Black Light Party Acacia Black light party

BETA KAPPA GAMMA PARTY Acacia Black light party

BETA KAPPA GAMMA PARTY UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

. Austin t S e p lu a d a u G 5 1 28 Open 7 days a week

Photos:Arryn Ze

UPE 2610 GUADALLA NE) (NEXT TO KERBY

WE’VE GOT TH

NFL TICKET

SEVERAL GAMES WITH SOUND

The stage2

chupacabra

508 East Six th Street

400 East Sixth Street

THS”

SS TRU OINTLE

“P

HT DAY NIG

TRIV

Y TUES IA EVER

the local

beso cantina

2610 Guadalupe Street

307 B West 5th Street

CHUPACABRA 400 East Sixth Street

the stage 508 East Sixth Street *If your face is circled, you’re this week’s winner of Barstars! Contact us Mon through Wed (9–5 p.m.) to collect $25 cash! (Be sure to Facebook us to let us know you won!)

ch Photos:Arryn Ze

You’re this week’s winner! Come to our office to collect $25!*

The local 2610 Guadalupe Street

the stage 508 East Sixth Street

beso cantina 307 B West 5th Street

the local

chupacabra

2610 Guadalupe Street

400 East Sixth Street

For more party pics, go to uweeklyaustin.com. UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25. 2012 25

Super Crossword

Crypto Quip

Clue: Q Equals L

This is a simple substitution cipher in which each letter used stands for another. If you think that X equals O, it will equal O throughout the puzzle. Solution is accomplished by trial and error.

i witness

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

Sudoku

Delicate Cutters Alabama rock band prepare to release third album A conversation about The Replacements started Delicate Cutters. The story goes that vocalist/guitarist Janet Simpson’s and drummer Chance Shirley’s conversation about music eventually started an argument about which Replacements album was the best one. Then they decided to just start a band, which include members bassist Brian Moon and fiddle player Kevin Nicholson. This band from Birmingham, Ala., is currently on tour with an Austin stop on Jan. 25 at Beauty Bar. Simpson chatted with UWeekly about their upcoming album “Ring” and how they incorporate a fiddle player into the music.

You’ve been together for almost ten years? Janet Simpson: Almost ten years.

Oh wow. What do you think is your secret to stay together for so long? JS: We hadn’t had any reason not to. We keep writing new music. We keep enjoying playing. There’s just no reason not to play. I couldn’t think of life without the Delicate Cutters at this point.

“When I’m singing, I feel like I’m singing with his violin.” You have a fiddle player. I’m assuming when you write a song, it’s like another instrument to add to the mix. It’s not like rock band and fiddle player. How organic is the writing process? JS: It feels really natural to us. The only challenge we have sometimes is having a good PA so he can hear himself on stage. But in terms of songwriting, he’s almost like another vocalist to me and not just another instrument. When I’m singing, I feel like I’m singing with his violin. I guess that’s the best way to describe it.

I read on your website that you are in the mixing stage of your upcoming album “Ring.” JS: Yeah. Actually it just got sent off to be mastered this week, so we’re done with all of our hard work and

now it’s in somebody else’s hands. This is great.

How long ago did you start recording that? JS: I think we started officially in late October. We finished recording in December and finished mixing just last week.

Oh wow, that was quick. And this is your third release, did you notice a change in your songwriting style? JS: Um, yeah, a little bit. The first album is about half songs that I wrote before Delicate Cutters and half songs that I wrote while Delicate Cutters was trying to be a band together, and so it’s just a collection of songs. This is a group of songs that I wrote from a very specific time in my life about a very specific thing that was happening. Those songs are really cohesive, and I think “Some Creatures” works really well at telling this one particular story. It really just tells a story musically as a band as that’s really where we found our sound. But in both of those cases, we were doing everything ourselves in terms of recording. Brian did all of the engineering. He did a great job, but it took us a really long time. It was really hard. So this time, we found ourselves over to someone else. The songs are very different, much more straight-ahead rock and roll. I don’t know, it’s just a very different feeling. It’s much more honest and raw, I think. Less romantic.

Do you feel having someone else record it instead of one of you do it

Photo: Brandon Brown

had an influence on it or was that just the direction you were going? JS: I think it’s a little bit of both. The songs that I had been writing for the last year had a different feeling. I’ve been in less of a nostalgic mood and just a different mood. But also I think that recording with Les Nuby in Ol Elegante Studios, we really just heard ourselves differently. Hear ourselves through his ears, which was nice. Allowed us to let go a little bit and have fun. So we recorded all of the tracks live, and it sounds like a much more bare, exposed version of ourselves. It’s very appropriate, I think, for where we’re headed.

How did you pick the producer? JS: Les actually came to me one night when I was playing a solo show. After I got done, he had taken notes on every song I played. He was like, “I want to record you. I really want to record your band. I know that you and I like the same music, and so I’m really into it.” I had recorded with him a little bit with another band that I was in, and I really liked working with him. So I went to him and said, “Yes, let’s definitely do it.” Sarah Vasquez

Delicate Cutters will be playing Wednesday, Jan 25 at Beauty Bar UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

Wednesday

Thursday

Weird Wednesday:

Jeff lofTon and his eleCTriC ThanG

Messiah of evil

@ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

The top events & shows in Austin this week Will bass 28

Lurking deep within the recesses of the collective film unconscious is some strange, awful and highly entertaining material. In this land of exploitation, low-budget and just plain bonkers movies, there are some quite amazing films that are hidden amongst all of the detritus. Luckily, us Austinites have our very own Virgil to guide us through the dangerous land of pimps, serial killers, and erotic Proclaimed as one of the best cult horror movies of all time, Messiah is one Weird Wednesday that you don’t want to miss. Besides, it only costs a dollar.

@ Flamingo Cantina, 515 E 6th

In the early ’70s Miles Davis was making a peanut butter sandwich. As the jellied bread sat there, Miles puzzled as he spread the peanut butter on the other slice. “You know what,” he whispered in his ever-hoarse voice, “putting jazz and rock and roll together would be even better than this peanut butter sandwich.” On that fateful day, Miles Davis plugged in his peanut butter sandwich, err, trumpet and went electric. Jeff Lofton continues that same delicious journey with his thoughtful take on the electric Miles Davis catalogue.

friday

a MaGiCal eveninG

aT The frenCh leGaTion MuseuM @ French legation Museum, 802 san Marcos st

Is the magic gone from your relationship? No, not the sexual kind. The making the statue of liberty disappear kind of magic. The kind of magic that keeps your head spinning, even if a masked weirdo tried to suck all of the fun out of them by revealing the secrets behind them. Rabbits, top hats, and fire-breathing vixens should be a necessary part of anyone’s life. Head down to the French Legation Museum this Friday for some “oohs” and “ahhs” that won’t leave your wallet going “ouch.” Tickets: At the door

Tickets: www.originalalamo.com

Tickets: At the door

► Also WoRthy

John Wesley Coleman

electric Touch

Tia Carrera

Graveyard

Teenage news

Theophilius london

The Kills

ashes of Babylon

White Ghost shivers

Cause in effect

Zach attack (Zach anner show)

Mutemath

Mau Mau Chaplains

lola Cola

Churchwood

Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th

Mohawk, 912 Red River Stubb’s, 601 Red River Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe Flamingo Cantina, 515 E 6th

Mohawk, 912 Red River Trailer Space, 1301 Rosewood Antone’s, 213 W 5th

Alamo S Lamar, 1120 S Lamar Beerland, 711 Red River

Beerland, 711 Red River Beauty Bar Ballroom, 2015 Riverside Continental Club, 1315 S Congress Stubb’s, 601 Red River Hole in the wall, 2538 Guadalupe

January 25, 2012 | UWeeklyAustin.com

COMING SOON THURSDAYS

for more details visit: UWEEKLYAUSTIN.com

saturday

sunday

monday

musiC monday:

the Love We make

@ Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th

The Love We Make gives you an intimate glimpse of the 9/11 charity concert that Paul McCartney organized. The concert includes Jay-Z, David Bowie, Bill Clinton, and a litany of other artists and celebrities. Tickets: www.originalalamo.com

a night For esme:

CraCk PiPes, ted Leo, goLden Boys @ Beerland, 711 Red River

As you might have noticed through the media cycle or the ubiquitous fliers around the campus area, a horrible tragedy struck the N. Campus neighborhood as one of Austin’s finest left the earth at the hands of another. By all accounts, Esme was gentle force in the Austin. You could find her volunteering at the girl’s rock camp or front row at Beerland with an infectious grin on her face. Her relentless enthusiasm for music, life, and helping others will hopefully live on in Austin. Come check out some amazing local garage acts, and Ted Leo, for the benefit of Esme’s family

year oF the dragon CeLeBration @ Chinatown Center, 10901 N lamar

So you’ve already violated your New Year’s resolution. You can start all over again by switching calenders and celebrating the Chinese New Year. This year’s festivities will take place in north Austin at the Chinatown Center. Firecrackers, martial arts displays, and of course the obligatory dragon dance will be some of the Chinese culture you can savor. Even better, there are a number of Asian culinary options to karate chop any gourmand’s palate.

► Also WoRthy

mike and the moonpies

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe

a Lull

Mohawk, 912 Red River

rock n roll karaoke Beerland, 711 Red River

tuesday

tittie Bingo @ the highball, 1120 s lamar

Tickets: At the door

Bingo and breasts? It seems like a natural combination.

► Also WoRthy

the ataris

twin sister (Free show)

midnight magic (dance dJs)

ghosts of texas

Beerland, 711 Red River

► Also WoRthy

muchos Backflips

me talk Pretty

terror tuesday

the derailers

occupy Comedy

tuezgayz

Puppet show: no tooth no Quarter

Beverly hills Cop

moonlight towers

Red 7, 611 E 7th Beauty Bar, 617 E 7th

Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe Broken Spoke, 3201 S Lamar Bookpeople, 603 N Lamar

Waterloo Records, 600 N Lamar

Antone’s, 213 W 5th Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe Paramount Theatre, 713 Congress

Alamo Ritz, 320 E 6th Barbarella, 615 Red River Hole in the Wall, 2538 Guadalupe

UWeeklyAustin.com | January 25, 2012

►►Mi Casa Cantina

►►The Library

503 E 6th

407 E 6th

$0.50 wells, $2.50 margaritas until 11 PM

$1 domestics/wells, $2 imported bottles

►►Mooseknuckle Pub

►►Cain and Abel’s

406 E 6th

2313 Rio Grande

$2 Pint Night

$8 32 oz. Texas Teas from 7 PM-close

►►Soho Lounge

►►Pure

217 E 6th

419 E 6th

$2 wells/domestics

$1 any beer til midnight

►►Chuggin’ Monkey

►►Tiniest Bar in Texas

219 E 6th

817 W 5th

$2 wells/domestics til 10 PM

$1 Bud Light and Bud

►►Paradise

►►Sapphire

401 E 6th

411 E 6th

$3 LIT/$2 Red Snapper/$2.50 LS TallBoys

$2 You Call It til 11 PM

►►Thirsty Nickel

►►Trudy’s

325 E 6th

409 W 30th

$2 wells/domestics til 11pm, $3 House Shots

$4.50 Ritas

►►Agave

►►Blind Pig

kingdom 103 east 5th street If you’re looking for a good ol’ nnn-tss nnn-tss nnn-tss, crankup-the-dubstep-and-let-me-grind-on-some-random-stranger kind of time, Kingdom is where you wanna find yourself. Located in an alley on the corner of 5th and Congress, Kingdom has a surprisingly good selection of beers on tap for being the type of bar that’s typically only suited for serving mixed drinks and overpriced domestic bottles. As for the environment, well, it’s just flat-out rockin’ on the right night and typically the right nights happen more often than not. Though it may be hidden well, it will smack you in the face once you enter and at that point, you better hope you’re ready.

Brian Bogart

►►Cuatros

607 Trinity

317 E 6th

1004 W 24th

.50¢wells, $2 any beers, $3 mixed shots, $3 bombs

$2.50 Wells/Domestics

$2 Tecates and Modelo Esp. $5 Deer and Beer

►►Treasure Island

►►Ginger Man

►►Friends

413 E 6th

301 Lavaca

208 E 6th

.25¢ wells, $1 triples & kamikaze shots, $4 bombs

Logo Pint Night

$2 Vodka Bombs

►►Spill

►►Dizzy Rooster

►►Maggie Mae’s

212 E 6th

306 E 6th

323 E 6th

$1 Wells/Miller High Life

$2 Domestic/Wells/Jello Shots

$2 Wells

Advertise wit

h us today!

307B West 5th Street www.besocantina.com

ADUWEEKLY michael@uweeklyaustin.com or call 512.705.7350

TIC

T KE

W O N

E L A

The Venue is

PRE-LEASING for

FALL2012!

Stop by our leasing office to inquire about pricing & available floor plans.

512.473.3706 Venu eO n Gu ad alu p e. c om 2815 Gu ad alu pe S t.