CONSPIRACY THEORIES In the fake news era, it is important to fact check your information. This week, we look into some of the most popular conspiracy theories relating to the resort and see which ones hold any truth. One of the biggest mysteries in resort is where exactly all the missing coats end up. The seasonaire page is littered with all but hopeless posts from people who have lost their coats in the Dicks black hole. The most reasonable explanation is that they end up in another seasonaire’s apartment who is too embarrassed/too much of a low life to return it. However, after much sleuthing, we have uncovered the real answer. The murder of crows you see prowling the town are actually a highly trained jacket stealing task force funded by the skiwear industry. The crows swoop into the bars under the cover of darkness and fly the coats back to their lair where they are re-purposed into the very same jackets people buy to replace their lost ones. There are a lot of theories on why it seems to rain or blow a gale after every single snowfall. The prevailing explanation is that climate change has made our winters less reliable. However, we talked to a very reliable source found propping up a bar who explained the truth to us and as it turns out, climate change isn’t real and it is actually an inside job. The French have (understandably) had enough of the Brits ruining their lovely town and Emmanuel Macron has signed the executive order to enact a confidential operation to put Brits off Val D. When it snows, the French seasonaires are all in secret cahoots to turn on their hobs and open their windows. This warms everything up a couple of degrees,
turning any fresh pow into slush. With Brexit and this being the rainiest season in years, next winter is shaping up to be very French in resort.
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Particularly after a late night out, many of us wonder how we manage to be so frivolous with our money when most seasonaire wages are rather tragic. It is easy to check your Monzo after a large week with the squad and wonder how you have ended up in an overdraft you didn’t realise you had. People blame it on FOMO and alcohol induced carelessness, but a leak from an internal source has spilled the real beans. When the bars and restaurants are short on cash, they get the resort to turn on the snow cannons. You’ve heard of chem trails right? Well it’s the same thing, except for the mind control fumes produced by the cannons make everyone get rid of their hard earned cash as if it causes coronavirus. We all know that the moon landing was faked, but did you know that all land based animal prints are too? When you see little footprints under the chair lift, you expect them to be those of foxes and hares. It is well established amongst conspiracists that this is not in fact true and that the Val d’Isère tourist board makes them in the night to please the punters. Sadly, they have to do this because there are no foxes and hares left from eating all the cigarette butts. Talking of animals, one very common conspiracy theory that you may have heard is that of the marmot. This theory has become so commonplace that people actually claim to see them in late spring. Marmots are supposedly these furry little creatures that bumble about under the lifts, we have no idea how this ludicrous idea has taken a hold of the community. They are simply not real.
