Getting Over Yourself
Self -help is an inside job.
A Very Simple Guide A brief study in words and photos by Todd Vogel
At some point we need assume responsibility for our own happiness. There may even be some debris to clear away first.
It might as well be now. Keep in mind Happiness is the goal here. ODAT Books Warwick, NY odatbooks.com
The hardest part will be getting past why the things in this book do not apply to you. Take notes though... Useless arguments are hard to give up and you might need some data. This book is written from experience. I, the author, have spent much time trapped behind enemy lines...Alone inside my head. This book is written from experience. I am working at climbing out of the hole I dug for myself (with rented heavy machinery.) The sky I see may not be quite the same as yours, But maybe I can help show you how to look up. Begin with the notion that you just might have choices. That the only thing you have immediate control over is Your Attitude.
Misery is optional and self induced.
Section 1 Who you ARE Section 2 Breaking the chain Section 3 Link by Link Section 4 Avoiding the same traps
Section 5 But... Section 6 What do you want to be when you grow up? Section 7 Getting real and finding that it’s exactly where you are supposed to be
Section 1 Who You Are I know what made me prowl the self-help aisles. I was unhappy, discontent, searching, unfulfilled, or some combination thereof . I was the victim of circumstances, unlucky, occasionally very stupid, and very, very angry. I was my own worst enemy. I could blame everybody but myself, except when I was beating myself up. It was not pretty.
It all started when I stopped at the ego store two minutes before closing and in a fit of disinterest went to the sale rack and picked one that didn’t fit. There were signs. “Too big for your britches, too smart for your own good� (I considered this a compliment for years), emotionally sensitive, childish, occasionally, and very secretly, grandiose, There were forces which compounded this and enabled me to take this to a place where it was very dark and I was very, very much alone.
In my twenties I went to a therapist hoping for a fairy godmother who would make me happy. Turns out, she didn’t have a clue. This brings up Unreasonable Expectations Of both myself - and others. The marriage, the job, the hobbies, the vacations, the acting out, and the anger did not make me happy either. I rented heavy equipment so I could dig the hole deeper. At the bottom it was muddy, dark, cold and very solitary. Just the way I wanted it.
Section 2 Breaking the Chain The chain did not begin with you. The links were forged before your parents were born. Civilization is only a few thousand years old, We still have a lot to learn. Indeed, that may be why you are reading this book. The chains are real, but they can be broken. First, they must be seen and understood, but not focused on or lived in; escape is the goal.
Chains lose much of their power and strength when we see where they are coming from. Sometimes though, we are reluctant to let go. I, for one, saw my anger as an attribute giving me drive and, because I Was Right, a noble purpose. I drove that one right into a wall repeatedly again and again.
Aggressive actions are required. They can include, Acceptance And Forgiveness Accepting my inability to change anyone other than myself freed me to do exactly that. Forgiveness beginning with myself. Allowed me to put down the whips and find more appropriate tools with which I could begin this transformation. This is radical thinking it went against much I had learned and all of my instincts.
Section 3 Link by Link Our chains may be subtly different in size, weight, material, but they all want to do the same thing, trap us in ourselves and ultimately drag us under. The complex beauty of these chains is that one link, for example, fear, can draw us into relationships with exactly the wrong people. On some levels I sought to recreate a failed relationship with my mother in my marriage. I really hate being so damned Psych 101. But there it is.
Being on the defensive, even when it was me against the world, made me see things with a warped perspective and kept me from owning my part in the trainwreck. This was a particularly difficult link for me. Being convinced I was right made it all the harder. Unreasonable Expectations was another link which fed my bitterness. I expected people to understand me, when I myself did not have a clue. I expected myself to...
Struggling violently just tightened the coils. Seeking refuge in substances. people, work, things (including money), did a lot more damage and even added some new links. Isolation was the bunker to which I retreated. No one understood, I was alone and unique in my plight. Until one day I realized that was a lie I had been telling myself. and believing.
Section 4 Avoiding the same traps. I had to stop believing the lies I was so good at telling myself. Moderation is a concept I never quite grasped. I was unsatisfied unless I had all of it - yesterday. I saw happiness as something that came to you from outside. The lottery, an inheritance, having someone recognize my genius. It did not happen. Not then - not now. Happiness is, I now see, an inside job.
First I had to clear away enough of the wreckage to have room for happiness. This involved some forgiveness, and a whole lot of letting go. Next, I had to focus on what I had which in my case was a whole lot more than I was ready to admit. Not having a Porsche in my garage is not a valid benchmark. Learning how to love myself -appropriatelyis. Again, this requires not listening to the doubting and denegrating voices that by now have developed amazing harmony.
Section 5
But.....
Discovering there was a term for what I was thinking and feeling, TERMINAL UNIQUENESS, was a very humbling moment. Not one I accepted with grace or without a struggle.
I so much wanted to be so very special. I wanted to be like everybody else, just a little better.
Then I came to understand that no matter what I did I could never be as amazing as this moth.
What do you Want to be when you grow up?
Section 6
It’s probably time to start thinking about it.
The Chains have been holding us back. By manufacturing my own unhappiness I was able to restrict my horizons to the inside of my head. That turned out to be much smaller than I had thought. It was only by finding a handle with which to lift the blame from myself and others that I could clear a space for healing light to shine in.
I had been pounding on what I thought was the door to happiness demanding to be let in. I learned not that the door was locked but that it opened inwards rather than outwards. All I need do was reverse my direction. This was not as easy as it sounds. Being Right is very hard to overcome.
Section 7 Getting real and finding that it’s exactly where you are supposed to be. I am not in charge of the universe, of life on this planet, of the country, of my wife - husband - child - friend - sister - brother or anybody else, for that matter. It’s probably just as well. That leaves me, with limited time in residence on this planet. Somewhere in all this I came to see that being happy sure beat the alternatives.
Tomorrow the sun is going to rise. Your participation in the event is optional.
You do not have to be alone in this.
Text and images copyright Todd Vogel 2011 all rights reserved. more info at
odatbooks.com