VL - Issue 32 - July 2019 by VICTORIOUS LIVING Magazine

R E AL PEO PLE

R E AL STO R IE S

R E AL H O PE

A B AT T L E WO N W H AT A R E YO U L I V I N G F O R? F O R G I V E YO U R S E L F PE R D Ã&#x201C;NAT E A T I M ISMO

Freedom from pain, fear, and disappointment

Issue 03 / 2019

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V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

I S S U E 3, J U LY 2 019 Letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. Romans 8:6

Publisher & Executive Director Kristi Overton Johnson

Director of Partner Care & Development

Chief Photographer

Pat Avery

Jomarys Leon–Lorenzo

Editor Rachel Overton

Contributing Writers

Cover Photography

Roy A. Borges

Jomarys Leon-Lorenzo

Tina V. Brown

Spanish Editors Debby Ramirez Karissa Anderson Creative Designer Lauren Jones Executive Project Manager Amber Katynski Social Media Manager Jomarys Leon–Lorenzo

Michael Clark

Photography

Linda Cubbedge-Smith

Amber Katynski

Kristi Dews Dale

Jomarys Leon-Lorenzo

Ayub Fleming

Spencer Schultz

Augie Ghilarducci

Geri Simpkins Photography

Norine Hodder

Alfredo Valentine/Couture Bridal Photography

Kristi Overton Johnson Amber Katynski

Artwork

Philip Latislaw

Jared Emerson, Jesus Café

Stasha Marcinkowski David McKenzie III Kenny Munds

Digital Content Manager Tymothy Johnson

Chris Ogden Nicole Solomon Joe Taylor

Director of Prison Correspondence Linda Cubbedge-Smith Accounting Manager Gizella Guba

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Victorious Living magazine is a publication of Kristi Overton Johnson Ministries, a 501c3 organization. Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message, copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. Scripture marked NASB is taken from the New American Standard Bible, copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Scripture marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®, copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Scripture marked NKJV is taken from the New King James Version®, copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Scripture marked NVI is taken from la Santa Biblia, Nueva Versión Internacional® NVI®, copyright © 1999, 2015 por Biblica, Inc. Usado con permiso de Biblica, Inc. Reservados todos los derechos en todo el mundo. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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Issue 03 / 2019

M U L T I P L I E D Restoring Hope. Transforming Lives.

Mercy Multiplied is a nonprofit Christian organization that equips people to live free and stay free through Jesus Christ. Mercy offers a free-of-charge residential counseling program for young women ages 13 to 32 and Outreach services to train and resource Christian leaders and helpers to minister to men and women who are struggling.

VISIT MERCYMULTIPLIED.COM TO LEARN MORE OR APPLY.

I SSU E 3 , J U LY 201 9

CO N T E N T S STEPPING FORWARD 8

Which Way to Go? BY KRISTI OVERTON JOHNSON

FEATURES

Trusting God in the Fiery Furnace BY ROY A. BORGES

BY AMBER K ATYNSKI

When It’s Hard, Press on!

No battle is too big for God. He is on your side and ready to go to war for you. Take a step of faith, ask for His help, and give your battles to Him.

BY CHRIS OGDEN

Prayer: A Parent’s Secret Weapon

TRANSFORMED LIVES

BY LINDA CUBBEDGE-SMITH

Forgive Yourself and Move On

BY AUGIE GHILARDUCCI

PHOTO COURTESY OF ALFREDO VALENTINE

BY MICHAEL CLARK

Dealing with Difficulties BY AYUB FLEMING

Need Peace? Get Jesus BY KRISTI DEWS DALE

BY NICOLE ADAMS

Holding fast to God’s promise is the only thing that kept Tina and her family on solid ground as their world crumbled around them.

BY STASHA MARCINKOWSKI WITH KRISTI OVERTON JOHNSON

My Father and Me BY NORINE HODDER

Norine’s abusive father was also her pastor. Believing in God became increasingly difficult for her as she grew older, until her heavenly Father brought healing to her broken heart.

ON THE COVER Pictured here with her husband, Jason, Nicole Adams found freedom when she surrendered the pain of an abusive marriage, the fear of her cancer diagnosis, and the hopelessness of a loved one’s drug addiction to Jesus Christ.

What Faith Can Do BY TINA V. BROWN

Never Too Far Away

“Satan taunted me for years with names I could not move past. But God calls me beloved. Worthy. Enough. Clean. Forgiven. Useful. I am His.”

A New Life God doesn’t send pain into our lives to punish us. He will, however, use the pain that Satan means for our destruction to bring us to the life-giving power of Jesus Christ.

BY DAVID MCKENZIE III

Perdónate y Sigue Adelante

What Are You Living For?

COVER STORY 20

Want to Get It Right? Listen to God “I am not in prison because I trafficked cocaine. I’m here because I disobeyed God. Even so, God has been faithful to turn my mistakes into blessings.”

BY AUGIE GHILARDUCCI

A Battle Won

Welcome Home BY PHILIP LATISLAW

Many are seeking sexual wholeness in alignment with God’s Word. Philip’s story reminds us people need Christ’s love, not judgment.

IN EVERY ISSUE 6

Publisher’s Note Just Try!

From the Father

You Are a Champion

Help Me Understand

When Your Heart Is Broken BY KENNY MUNDS

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

Issue 03 / 2019

PUBLISHER’S NOTE

elcome to the third issue of

I felt like I had been given a spiritual

Victorious Living, 2019. A year

spanking. He was right. I needed to stop

ago, we made some big chang-

complaining, quit saying “I can’t,” and

es to our organization, changes that led to

Over 100,000 copies of VL will be sent behind prison bars in 2019, where they will deliver hope for years to come. Your financial support makes this happen. Visit vlmag.org for more info.

just try.

a complete rebranding of this magazine.

No one who has ever stopped at “I can’t”

If you’ve been reading VL for a while, I’m

has ever made a difference in this world.

sure you’ve noticed our new look. It’s mod-

And I will not be one of those people.

ern, clean, and has lots of space for the eye

I asked God to forgive my attitude,

to rest. It’s purposely more edgy to attract

asked for His help, and went back to the

a younger generation that is looking for

drawing board. With the help of my team,

truth, hope, and life.

we shaved off those 50 words…and a few

To be completely transparent, the

more. A month later, I held a beautiful,

changes weren’t easy for me to make. I

newly designed magazine that showcased

fought what I knew God was leading me

our authors’ God-stories in fresh, powerful

to do. He was moving me way out of my

ways. I smiled as I looked over the articles,

comfort zone and asking me to do things

knowing that every word had been prayer-

that even brought criticism. I had to make

fully and purposefully chosen.

some hard decisions—like letting go of

Today, I am thankful for Lauren’s push.

people and things that were (and still are)

Yes, it was uncomfortable in the beginning,

precious to me. I had to embrace new ways

but making those changes has made the

of doing things with a young, adventur-

publishing process for the last two issues

ous team that frankly, often seemed plain

much easier, and it has led to a more im-

backwards to this Gen Xer.

pactful magazine. It also helped me be-

One of the biggest challenges with the

come a better, less wordy writer.

magazine rebrand came when my new

Somebody might be pushing you out

creative designer, Lauren, informed me

of your comfort zone too, and your first

I would have to cut hundreds of words

inclination has been to scream, “I can’t.”

from just about every article. I was not

Can I just say, with God’s help and a new

happy. Didn’t she understand how pre-

attitude, you can.

cious those words were? Reluctantly, I

Yes. You. Can.

went back through and dissected those articles I had worked on so hard.

Ask God for His help and then go for it. Take it one step—or one word—at a time

I was relieved as I sent the trimmed-

and watch what God can help you do.

down versions off to my editor, Rachel.

Perhaps it’s overcoming an addiction. Re-

I had done it! Rachel made her revisions

building a relationship. Overcoming debt.

and forwarded the articles to Lauren.

Passing a test. Writing a book. Starting a

And then came Lauren’s next text. “Hey,

business. Whatever it is, if God has brought

Kristi, I need you to cut another 50 words

you to it, He will see you through it. He just

off this article.”

needs your cooperation.

She has no idea, but I actually yelled at

Trust me, as you step out bravely with

my phone, “I can’t!” As far as I was con-

Him, one day soon you’ll look back and be

cerned, I had already cut that article down

amazed, just as I am. Enjoy this issue!

to its bare bones. I didn’t stew in my frustration for long before I heard the sharp correction of God’s Holy Spirit. “Quit saying you can’t, Kristi, and try!”

Issue 03 / 2019

Kristi Overton Johnson Publisher & Executive Director

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

PHOTO COURTESY OF SPENCER SCHULT Z

Just Try!

YOUR DAILY SOURCE OF HOPE

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Issue 03 / 2019

STEPPING FORWARD

Which Way to Go? BY KRISTI OVERTON JOHNSON

In 1988,

I faced the

train year-round with top athletes on a daily basis. I’d been

tough decision of where to attend college. Part of me wanted

offered a full scholarship at the University of Central Florida

to stay home. I loved North Carolina and had been accept-

in Orlando. Maybe a change of scenery would do me good.

ed by several colleges there. I also treasured being with my

For months, I struggled with that decision—stay home or

family and friends. I was so grateful for the sacrifices my

move south? It’s all I could think about. I was so afraid that

family had made for me to be a world champion water skier

making one decision over the other would negatively impact

someday. They had even built me my own private lake, for

the course of my life. I just wanted to make the right decision

goodness sakes, so I could train in protected conditions. How

for my future.

could I leave? But then, there was Florida—a place where I’d be able to

Issue 03 / 2019

This was the first time in my life that I realized I needed God’s wisdom. Until then, I had simply followed the decisions

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

STEPPING FORWARD

and direction of my parents. But they were leaving the deci-

incredible desires in my heart, desires that rise from deep

sion of where I would attend college up to me.

within my spirit and nudge me in one direction or another.

One day as I was out for a drive, I decided it was time to stop

Every time I have acknowledged my need for His wisdom and

worrying and simply ask God to help me (Philippians 4:6–7).

desired His will above my own, He has directed my footsteps

So I began to pray, “God, I need to know where I should go to

(Proverbs 3:6).

college. I want Your wisdom, and I need Your help.” It was a

Yet, even after decades of seeking God and knowing His

simple prayer, but one backed by faith. I knew that only God

solid track record of faithfulness, I still often struggle with

knew my future and what would be best for my life.

making decisions. I’m still afraid that my decision will some-

Now, I don’t know if you’ll believe that what happened next

how screw up God’s plan for my life. More than once, paralyzed

God knows the hearts of those who follow Him. He knows whether we desire to follow His will or our own. As long as our hearts desire Him, God will gently move us forward. was truly a sign from God or not, but within seconds of those

with fear, I’ve cried, “Help me, Lord. I don’t want to mess up!”

words coming out of my mouth, right there on that country

And then, the Holy Spirit led me to James 1:5–8:

road in North Carolina, a car with a Florida license plate sped past me and pulled right in front of my car.

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will

A sign from above? Maybe not for some, but for me, that

give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when

small green, orange, and white license plate settled the issue.

you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not

I immediately felt peace in my spirit and soon sent in my

waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a

acceptance letter to the University of Central Florida.

wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such

I have to smile as I think back to this time. I was 18 when I

people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

asked for that help. I had little knowledge of the Word, and my

Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and

faith was small. Yet God gave me a bold, in-my-face license

they are unstable in everything they do.

plate, just like He gave Moses a burning bush in the wilderness. He got my attention; His direction couldn’t be missed. It was amazing—but experiences like that have been rare. God hasn’t sent a lot of literal signs like that license plate my way. More often than not, when I ask for direction, I hear

I suddenly realized that, while I wanted God’s wisdom and His will for my life, I wasn’t trusting Him to lead me. I wasn’t trusting Him to give me wisdom to make the right decision. As a result, I was living in a world of doubt and instability.

very little, if anything at all. That still, small voice the Bible

Unstable is a perfect description of how I felt emotionally,

refers to in 1 Kings 19:12 is just that—still and small. It’s hard

mentally, spiritually, and physically. Doubt has a tendency

to hear that gentle whisper over the noise of the world and

to keep me sidelined or cause me to run around in circles

the noise of my emotions.

when I should be moving forward in confidence that God is

Yet at every stage of my life, when I have quieted my spirit

not going to let me go astray.

and asked God to direct my footsteps, He has been faithful to

I’ve been learning to lay aside my doubt and trust that as I

show me the way to go. He’s met me at every stage of my faith

seek God, He will be at work behind the scenes, directing my

walk and given me exactly what I needed to move forward.

footsteps and orchestrating my life according to His will. God

The primary way God leads me in my decisions is through His Word, the Bible. As I’ve searched the Scriptures, I have

knows the hearts of those who follow Him. He knows whether we desire to follow His will or our own.

found direction for every issue of life. His Word has taught

As long as our hearts desire Him, God will gently move us

me how to interact with people, how to think, how to give,

forward. If we need correction, He’ll gently bring that too. He

and how to act and react. It has shown me how to be a good

did it for me as a girl, praying over my future, and He faithfully

steward of my finances and of other things, like my children

leads me as a wife, mother, and ministry leader today. I know

and the ministries He has entrusted to me.

that He will do it for you, too!

When I face decisions not specifically addressed in the Bible, God uses His Spirit to confirm the direction I should go through circumstances and people. He has also placed

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

KRISTI OVERTON JOHNSON encourages and equips people for victory through her writings, speaking engagements, and prison ministry. To learn more, go to www.kojministries.org.

Issue 03 / 2019

STEPPING FORWARD

PRAYER: A PARENT’S SECRET WEAPON

for our children, then His mighty warrior angels are released to do battle on their behalf. This is so powerful. Our words, our prayers, can ensure victory, both in our own lives and those of our children. And when we speak God’s powerful, sinkilling, devil-defeating, life-giving words, they take us to a new level of joy and pur-

BY LINDA CUBBEDGE-SMITH

pose. We can find rest in our Savior, knowing He is in control and that He loves our

PSALM 127:3 SAYS, “CHILDREN ARE

over the years, and many of them—much

a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from

about myself—I’ve learned from my chil-

Are you facing a difficult season with

him.” But that doesn’t mean raising chil-

dren. They taught me that I needed pa-

your child or another loved one? Does

dren is an easy task. It is a wonderful yet

tience. So much patience. They taught me

the situation you or they are facing seem

demanding thing to be a parent. I know—I

that I must extend to my children the same

impossible? Pray. Speak God’s Word over

have four adult children. Each of them

grace that my heavenly Father extends to

them and their situation. Pray for their sal-

has different personality traits, as well

me. They taught me I wasn’t perfect.

vation. Pray for them to know and receive

as unique gifts and skills. And each has

kids more than we do.

There aren’t any perfect parents or any

the unconditional love of Jesus. Pray that

perfect children on this planet. Our heav-

they would find an intimate relationship

I love my children unconditionally. Even

enly Father, who is perfect in all His ways,

with Him.

when I knew they were making unhealthy

knows this, and He offers us help. He has

You may feel powerless, but you aren’t.

choices, I still reached out in love to give

promised that when we give His Son, Jesus

There is tremendous power in prayer. It’s

them godly advice because of the grace

Christ, His rightful place in our lives, we

your secret weapon. There is no situation

God has extended to me. Of course, that

will miss the pitfalls along the way.

or person that is out of prayer’s reach. Re-

challenged me in different ways.

was easier when my children were babies

It’s tempting as a parent to want to

gardless of your current challenges, God’s

and toddlers; I had so much control over

speak our minds to our children when

love will keep you strong, and it will pro-

their young lives. As they matured, I found

they are going down a wrong path. But

tect, provide for, and guide your children.

myself having to release my tight hold. I

here’s the thing: our words can either

Don’t ever quit or lose hope. Our heavenly

had to allow my kids to make their own de-

build up or tear down. We must be care-

Father is faithful.

cisions in this world. And that wasn’t easy.

ful with what we say, when we say it, and

As I continued to follow Christ and my

how we say it. We must pay attention to

own faith grew, I wanted my children to

our words, and we must know that, some-

find the unconditional love of God that

times, it’s best not to say anything.

would lead them into their own personal

But our silence doesn’t signify that we

relationship with Him. So even while they

are doing nothing. When we pray God’s

were very young, I poured the Word of God

Word over our children, we are doing

into my kids. When they needed direction,

much. Praying for them in this way

I pointed them to His truth. I asked God to

releases God’s power to target

give each of them a light-bulb moment in

the destructive forces of hell that

which they would realize that the Creator

seek to destroy, distract, and

of the universe loves them unreservedly. I

divert them from God’s way.

wanted them to know that no matter what

Psalm 103:20 says, “Praise

they had done or might do, if they turned

the Lord, you his angels,

to Him, He would help them overcome the

you mighty ones who car-

destructive things that held them captive.

ry out his plans, listening

That simple realization changes every-

for each of his commands.”

thing, and I wanted them to know it. I’ve learned so many things as a mother

Issue 03 / 2019

LINDA CUBBEDGE-SMITH is Victorious Living’s Prison Correspondence Director. She is passionate about the Lord and leading others to Him.

When you and I come into agreement with God’s Word

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

TR ANSFORMED LIVES

the rest of my life. I was also

downs of life. In fact, God gave

told that if I didn’t lose weight,

me back my life.

I would die.

Behind bars, God showed

How was I going to lose

me how to regain my health.

weight and maintain the need-

He gave me a plan to lose the

ed shots in prison? My life

weight I needed to lose and

without God was a real mess!

keep it off. I lost 150 pounds,

A friend of mind had been

and God healed me of diabetes.

G O D H A S B E E N FA I T H F U L T O T U R N M Y M I S TA K E S INTO BLESSINGS.

Want to Get It Right? Listen to God BY DAVID MCKENZIE III

bugging me about going to

I haven’t had an insulin shot

church. Church was the last

since 2001. I give thanks to God

place I wanted to go. I had

for saving my soul and my life.

been sure I could figure out

I’ve been in prison for many

my situation all on my own. But

years now, and I look forward

with this new development—I

to the day I will be released.

couldn’t.

In the meantime, however, I

Thankfully, God hadn’t giv-

continue to give God thanks

en up on me. I heard His voice

for what He has done in my

calling out to me. He showed

life. I am alive, I am well, and

me how I’d been hiding from

I’m learning more about Him

my friend and avoiding church.

every day.

In fact, I’d hidden from him so

One thing I’ve learned is that

long, he had stopped coming

I am not in prison because I

around. So I decided I’d go,

was trafficking cocaine. I am

even without my friend.

in prison because I disobeyed

My only intention that day

God. If I had walked with Him

was to go to church. But God

and listened to His voice, I

had other plans. While I was

would never have gone down

there, He got hold of my heart,

this path. Even so, God has

A LL M Y LI FE , G O D WA S

long before my disobedience

and I gave my life to Him. It was

been faithful to turn my mis-

calling out to me. Yet for a long

to God caught up with me, and

the greatest day of my life!

takes into blessings.

time, I would not listen. To tell

I got in trouble with the law.

Did I expect God to make ev-

Learn from my story. Don’t

you the truth, I didn’t want to

When the dust settled, I was

erything better? If I did, I soon

run from God. Stop. Listen.

hear from God. I was having

facing 25 years in prison.

learned differently. As much as

Obey. Whatever it is He’s tell-

At the same time, I became

I might have liked Him to, He

ing you to do, do it. Then every-

very ill. The doctor told me

didn’t do away with my 25-year

thing else in your life will line up just fine.

too much fun. I thought I had it all—whatever all was. So I left home as a young

I was going into a diabetic

prison sentence. What He did

man, joined the navy, and left

coma. I was treated for this

instead was prepare me for the

God behind. I didn’t know it

life-threatening condition and

journey. Because of Him, I’ve

then, but I was headed down a

told that I’d need to take three

made it through the good and

rough road of failure. It wasn’t

shots of insulin, every day for

the bad, the many ups and the

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

DAVID MCKENZIE III is serving time at Avon Park Correctional, where he shares the hope and power of Jesus.

Issue 03 / 2019

STEPPING FORWARD

Forgive Yourself and Move on BY AUGIE GHILARDUCCI

How do you handle a life changing event? We’ve all experienced them in some form or another—events that change the trajectory of our lives. In fact, if you’re alive, you’ve probably got another one coming. Life changing events (LCEs) can either make us or break us. Life changing events can be either positive or negative. Positive LCEs include getting married, having children, being promoted at work, and buying a home. We celebrate positive events. Negative LCEs, on the other hand, are harder to deal with. These can include losing a loved one, getting divorced, losing a job, or being addicted to drugs or alcohol. Negative LCEs come in two categories—those that are beyond our control and those for which we bear some or all of the responsibility.

A AVANZAR

Perdónate y Sigue Adelante

de mis padres, habría sucedido aunque no estuviera encarcelado. Su muerte ha dejado un gran vacío en mi vida que sólo mi fe puede llenar. ¿Pero la prisión? Eso fue totalmente culpa mía. Ver nuestras propias faltas y defectos en el espejo proverbial no es fácil. De hecho, la mayoría de nosotros preferimos

POR AUGIE GHILARDUCCI

culpar a otros por lo que vemos en ese espejo, antes que tomar responsabilidad por

¿Cómo manejas un evento que cambia tu

negativos son más difíciles de sobrellevar.

lo que sabemos que hicimos. Si logramos

vida? Todos hemos vivido, de una forma u

Estos pueden incluir la pérdida de un ser

convencernos a nosotros mismo (y a otros)

otra—eventos que cambian la trayectoria

querido, el divorcio, la pérdida de un buen

que lo que haya pasado no fue nuestra

de nuestras vidas. De hecho, si estás vivo,

trabajo, o la adicción a las drogas o el al-

culpa, entonces podemos jugar el papel

es probable que haya otro esperándote.

cohol. Hay dos categorías de los EE.C.V.

de víctima.

Eventos que cambian la vida (EE.C.V.) o

negativos—los que están fuera de nuestro

Y cuando ya no funciona el culpar a

nos matan o nos fortalecen.

control y aquellos por los cuales tenemos

otros, comenzamos a justificarnos. Protes-

toda o parte de la culpa.

tamos, “Todo mundo lo hace.” “Nadie se va

Eventos que cambian la vida pueden ser tanto positivos como negativos. Los

Puedo identificar dos EE.C.V. negativos

a enterar, y como quiera no le hago daño a

EE.C.V. positivos incluyen eventos como

que han impactado profundamente el des-

nadie.” Pero esto no beneficia a nadie. Peor

casarse, tener hijos, un acenso en el traba-

arrollo de mi persona. Soy culpable del

aún, nos engañamos a nosotros mismos.

jo, y comprar una casa. Celebramos estos

primero—mis propios actos me mandaron

Mientras apuntamos dedos y nos auto

eventos positivos. Por otro lado, los EE.C.V.

a prisión por 12 años. El segundo, la muerte

justificamos, por dentro nos estamos

Issue 03 / 2019

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

STEPPING FORWARD

I can identify two specific negative LCEs

While we shift blame and justify our

was still staring at a long prison sentence.

that have had an especially profound im-

actions, inside, we are building negativ-

Suddenly, the anger I had been projecting

pact on who I am. I am responsible for

ity. It took many years before I looked at

on others by blaming and justifying my

the first one—my actions resulted in my

myself truthfully and admitted to my own

actions, turned inward.

going to prison for 12 years. The second

culpability for the circumstances of my

I became angry with myself for the

one, the death of my parents during that

life. My pride, my ego, my misguided prior-

things I had done. The weight of guilt for

time, would have happened whether I was

ities—these led me to think I was above the

the hurt I had caused threatened to crush

incarcerated or not. Their death has left a hole in my life that only my faith can fill. But prison? That was all my own doing. Looking in the proverbial mirror at our own faults and shortcomings isn’t easy. In fact, most of us find it far easier to blame others for what we see there than to take responsibility for what we know we did. If we can convince ourselves (and others) that whatever happened wasn’t our fault,

me. I was ashamed of how I had lived my

Jesus was crucified so that the sins of all believers could be forgiven. And if He forgives me, how can I not forgive myself?

life. And I was consumed. All I could think of were the mistakes I had made and the consequences of those actions. I could no longer see any of the good things I had ever done. I had been a good businessman, a good son, father, friend. But all of that was gone. All that was left in my mind were those few monumentally bad choices.

then we can play the victim. When blaming

law. My actions betrayed my upbringing

I had to learn that the only way to get

no longer works, then we move on to justi-

and the values I thought were my own. As

past the negativity those feelings caused

fying. “Everybody’s doing it,” we protest.

a result, I served 12 years in prison.

was to forgive myself for what I had done.

“No one’s going to find out, and it’s not

When I did finally look at my life hon-

It was impossible to change the past, but

like I’m hurting anyone, anyway.” But this

estly, the reality was overwhelming. I was

I could not live with the self-hatred that

does no one any good. Worse, we are lying

separated from my family, I had lost the

was threatening to undo me.

to ourselves.

respect of the people I cared about, and I

But did I deserve forgiveness?

A AVANZAR

llenando de negatividad. Tardé muchos

Lo único que pasaba por mi mente eran

recluido de los demás…en esos momentos

años para poder analizarme honestamente

los errores que había cometido y las conse-

y aceptar mi propia culpa por las circun-

cuencias de mis actos. Ya no me acordaba

La esencia de ser cristiano está en reco-

stancias en mi vida. Mi orgullo, mi ego, mis

de las cosas buenas que había hecho. Yo

nocer que Jesús fue crucificado para otorgar

prioridades—éstos me llevaron a creer que

había sido un buen empresario, un buen

el perdón de pecados de todo aquel que

estaba por encima de la ley. Mis hechos

hijo, padre, amigo. Pero todo eso ya no e-

cree en él. Y si él me perdona, ¿cómo no

traicionaron mi crianza y los valores que

xistía. Lo que quedaba en mi mente eran

perdonarme a mí mismo?

pensaba eran propios. Como resultado,

las pocas decisiones monumentalmente

pasé 12 años en prisión.

malas que había tomado.

oscuros, volví a descubrir mi fe.

Un pasaje que me sostuvo durante este tiempo fue Mateo 9:13, donde Jesús dijo,

Cuando por fin analicé mi vida con ho-

Tuve que aprender que la única forma de

“Lo que pido de ustedes es misericordia y

nestidad, la realidad era abrumadora. Esta-

superar estos sentimientos y la negatividad

no sacrificios. Porque no he venido a llamar

ba separado de mi familia, había perdido

que producían en mí era perdonándome a

a justos, sino a pecadores” (NVI). Refle-

el respeto de la gente que me importaba,

mí mismo por lo que había hecho. Era im-

xiono sobre este pasaje todos los días. El

y aún me quedaba una larga condena

posible volver atrás y cambiar los eventos,

perdón de Cristo es lo que más importa en

en prisión. De repente, la ira que había

pero tampoco podía vivir con el odio hacia

mi vida. Me permite realizar el propósito

estado proyectando al culpar a otros y

mí mismo que amenazaba con destruirme.

que él tiene para mí.

justificando mis propios actos, se tornó

¿Pero, merecía yo el perdón?

Mi vida cambió cuando tomé respon

interno. Me enfurecí conmigo mismo por

Al reflexionar sobre mi vida para ver lo

sabilidad de mis propios actos, confesé

las cosas que había hecho. El peso del dolor

que me faltaba, poco a poco me di cuenta

mi pecado y mi necesidad de Cristo, y le

que había causado a otros amenazó con

de que le había dado la espalda a mi fe.

entregué el control de mi vida. Aún tenía

polvorizarme. Estaba avergonzado de la

Neciamente había permitido que mi éxito

que cumplir mi condena, pero ahora tenía

forma en que había vivido mi vida. Esto

externo se convirtiera en el sustituto de

un propósito. Podía enseñarle a otros lo

me estaba consumiendo.

mi relación con Cristo. Encarcelado, solo,

que había aprendido a través de mis expe-

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

Issue 03 / 2019

STEPPING FORWARD

As I examined myself, I realized I had

had a purpose. I could teach others what

My bad choices put me in a dreadful

turned my back on my faith. I had allowed

I had learned and help them better pre-

place, but God used them to bring me back

my outward success to replace my rela-

pare to return to society with a positive

to Him. I’m a fallible human being, yet I

tionship with Jesus. It wasn’t until I was

mindset, a spiritual foundation, and a

do not have to allow my mistakes to define

locked in segregation that I rediscovered

functional plan to gain employment and

who and what I am.

my faith.

housing and restore family relationships.

I accept responsibility for what I did,

The essence of being a Christian is in re-

I developed a program called Values-

and I am deeply sorry for those I hurt. But

alizing that Jesus was crucified to provide

Aligned Goal Setting©, that teaches those

my faith is rooted in forgiveness, and that

forgiveness for the sins of all believers. So

who have experienced a life changing

allows me to move forward and do more

if God had already forgiven my sins, why

event to successfully overcome the chal-

with my life.

could I not forgive myself?

lenges and barriers that lie ahead.

We all live with regret, but with faith and

A passage that sustained me through

During my last five years in prison, I

self-forgiveness, we can forge ahead with

this time was Matthew 9:13. Jesus said, “I

was privileged to present that program to

purpose, determination, and a commit-

want you to show mercy, not offer sacrific-

hundreds of my fellow inmates. In the two

ment to be better versions of ourselves.

es. For I have come to call not those who

years that I have been back in free society,

think they are righteous, but those who

God continues to give me the opportuni-

know they are sinners.” I reflect on this

ty to help others through the programs

passage every day. Jesus’s forgiveness is

I conduct and by sharing my testimony.

what matters most in my life. It allows me

I still mourn the loss of my parents. I

to fulfill the purpose He has in store for me.

still wish I had behaved differently in 1996

My life changed when I took responsi-

when I committed my crime. And I strug-

bility for my actions, confessed my sin and

gle with knowing that there are some who

my need for Christ, and gave Him control

have not forgiven me for what I did.

of my life. I was still in prison, but now I

But I can’t change any of that.

AUGIE GHILARDUCCI was a successful principal of a financial planning firm in the Chicago area. Through a series of bad decisions and poor choices, he landed himself in federal prison for 12 years. He regained his liberty in 2017 and now provides life skill and employment readiness programming inside jails and prisons, in substance abuse recovery centers, and with at-risk youth. He works in a network that removes employment and housing barriers for formerly incarcerated individuals.

A AVANZAR

riencias vividas y ayudarles a estar mejor preparados para volver a la sociedad con una mentalidad positiva, un buen fundamento espiritual, un plan significativo de empleo y vivienda, y restauración de relaciones familiares.

Jesús fue crucificado para que pudieran ser perdonados los pecados de todos los que creen en él. Y si él me perdona, ¿cómo no perdonarme a mí mismo?

Desarrollé un programa llamado Values Aligned Goal Setting© (establecer los objetivos con valores alineados), la cual

en 1996 cuando cometí mi crimen. Lucho

Todos vivimos con algún grado de

enseña a aquellos que han experimentado

con el hecho de que hay personas que no

lamento; sin embargo, a través de la fe y

un evento que cambia la vida cómo su-

me han perdonado. Pero estas son cosas

el perdón a uno mismo, podemos seguir

perar los retos y las barreras que quedan

que no puedo cambiar.

adelante con propósito, determinación,

por delante.

Mis malas decisiones me pusieron en

Tuve el privilegio de presentar el pro-

un lugar terrible, pero Dios las usó para

grama a cientos de mis compañeros de

traerme devuelta a él. Soy un ser humano

prisión durante los últimos cinco años que

falible, pero los errores que cometí no de-

estuve en prisión. En los dos años que lle-

finen mi persona ni mi carácter.

vo de integración en la sociedad, Dios me

Acepto la responsabilidad de mis hechos

sigue dando la oportunidad de ayudar a

y estoy profundamente arrepentido de

otros a través de los programas que dirijo

haber lastimado a otras personas. Pero

y al compartir mi testimonio.

mi fe tiene sus raíces en el perdón, y eso

Aún lloro la pérdida de mis padres. Aún quisiera haberme comportado diferente

Issue 03 / 2019

me permite avanzar y alcanzar muchas cosas en mi vida.

y compromiso de ser la mejor versión de uno mismo. AUGIE GHILARDUCCI era un director exitoso de una agencia de planificación financiera en el área de Chicago. A través de una serie de malas decisiones, se encontró en prisión federal por 12 años. Salió libre en el 2017, y ahora provee programas de preparación para la vida diaria y el reingreso de empleo en cárceles y prisiones, en centros de rehabilitación del abuso de substancias y con jóvenes en riesgo. Trabaja en una red que elimina barreras de empleo y vivienda para individuos previamente encarcelados.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

STEPPING FORWARD

What Are You Living For? BY MICHAEL CLARK

EIGHT YEARS AGO, I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH LATE-STAGE rectal cancer. I wasn’t given much hope. The tumor they found was well developed, in the lymph system, and malignant. My head swam from the news. My wife and kids were strong but crushed. Life as we knew it had just fallen off a cliff, and we were being dragged along for the ride. I faced imminent and confusing decisions. Would I do treatment? If so, what kind would I opt for? Surgery? Which

I had to define for myself why I would fight through this diagnosis. What was it that I wanted to live for?

one? Was my will in order? Would I like to be an organ donor and/or donate my body to science? Well-meaning people bombarded me with so many questions, but I had questions of my own—and no one seemed to have the answers.

up and God proved His faithfulness firsthand. The tumor that

The answers they did provide were limited and vague. Not

had been there a month before was gone. The area where they

even the upbeat versions offered me any real quality of life.

planned to do a colostomy was completely healed. The surgeon

As I processed all that was happening, I asked myself this

pulled 21 lymph nodes from what had been the cancerous area,

question: What am I living for?

and every one was negative for cancer.

It wasn’t a philosophical debate. It was a life-and-death

When my life headed over the cliff, Jesus reached out and

determination. I had to define for myself why I would fight

caught my hand. And I was able to grab it because I had been

through this diagnosis. What was it that I wanted to live for?

looking for it.

If you can identify and establish a reason to continue, to

What are you going through? What are you living for and look-

fight your way to the other side, then facing hard times be-

ing forward to? What you are living for can override how you are

comes, not easier, but more doable. You must have a goal; you

living now. Some people live for the wrong things and experience

must be actively reaching for something on the other side.

emptiness. If you are living for revenge, you’ll never be satisfied.

Just hoping you make it won’t get you through.

If you are living for happiness, you’ll need to define what true

I had to look to the other side of cancer and determine what

happiness is; otherwise, you will never attain it.

I wanted to be doing after I beat it. I was going to grow old with

God’s grace has enabled me to attain all the things I had de-

my wife, who is my best friend. I was going to see my children

termined I would live for. Twenty-five years of marriage, seeing

graduate. I was going to walk my daughters down the aisle

my children graduate, walking my daughters down the aisle,

at their weddings. I was going to write several books. I was

publishing books, ministering, and now, I’m a grandfather!

going to continue in God’s call on my life and do the things

I fought long and hard to get here. The scars on both my body

He had spoken to my heart that I had not yet had a chance to

and my mind are proof—but with God’s help, I’ve made it through.

do. I was going to see and enjoy my grandchildren.

We may have to go through hard times, but we don’t have to

I was determined—no, I was confident that I would see the

let them steal our future. Don’t just exist through your trial. Live

Lord’s goodness while I was still here in the land of the living

for something! With your focus and God’s faithfulness, the things

(Psalm 27:13). I chose to live for these things the day I was di-

you are living for can become the things you enjoy firsthand.

agnosed with cancer, and I have lived for them every day since. The journey included 7 weeks of chemo and 28 radiation treatments. And it culminated when the surgeon opened me

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

MICHAEL CLARK is a minister and author who thrives on sharing hope from God’s Word so that others can know God and experience His presence in their lives. Learn more at michaelclarkministries.org.

Issue 03 / 2019

A Battle Won BY AMBER K ATYNSKI

lost my little brother recent-

ture dreams of ministry and becoming

this water-loving, blue-eyed, wonder-filled

ly. We had a mutual admira-

entrepreneurs.

boy had made in my heart until he was

tion for each other and our

When our family lost Vlad, we lost a

gone. His infectious smile could win over

life stories. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re stories so

piece of the Katynski puzzle. There is no

the hardest of hearts. He always held space

painful, only family could see

way to place a Band-Aid over this wound.

for those he loved.

the humor in them. We shared

We can only expose it and let light shine

our faith and our hidden fears.

into the darkness and bring healing.

Better yet, we shared our fu-

Issue 03 / 2019

I never realized how much of a home

Inside of Vlad was strength, light, and laughter that lit up his eyes, even in his darkest moments. But sharing that light

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

PHOTOS BY AMBER K AT YNSKI

Below: Amber and Vlad often found joy even in the midst of the battles.

with others only to have it rejected was too

adopted and loved these

much for Vlad to bear, so he built walls of

boys as their sons, and my

protection for himself.

three sisters and I loved

With Vlad there was no room for a mask;

them as our brothers. But

he always exposed the truth. He didn’t al-

we were all unprepared for

low relationships to remain on the surface

the depth of brokenness

with those he loved. And he had no capac-

Vlad harbored within.

ity to fake what he was feeling. He wasn’t

I watched for years as my

afraid to speak up and speak out when he

brother, whom I loved like

felt strongly about something. For that, I

blood, wrestled with bat-

am eternally grateful.

tles from which he longed

But Vlad also had a way of making a

to be free. Drugs, alcohol,

room feel lighter. At his funeral, I smiled

and mental illness took him

as I imagined him saying, “Stop crying! I’m

down many dark roads. Lo-

home. I’m at peace. The wakeboarding up

cal jails and rehab facilities

here is unreal, and Jesus is the coolest!”

became his regular place

I came to know my baby brother as a

of residence, instead of a

close friend while he was in jail. Those

home with loved ones who longed for his

Vlad was loving, hilarious, and goofy, the

15-minute collect calls he made to me

return with open arms and hope-filled

life and depth of the party. Yet he thought

from behind bars challenged me more in

hearts. We prayed relentlessly that he

he was invincible. He believed he could

my faith and my understanding of God’s

would find healing for the wounds that

take on the battles of this world in his

goodness than any church service or con-

he was using drugs to numb.

own might, never once considering that

ference ever has. He helped me experience

Vlad was as deep as the ocean, but his

his battles might overpower him and take

the authenticity of Jesus through a whole

brokenness was deeper. He fought the pain

with them pieces of the hearts of those who

new lens.

of his past with numbing agents that had

loved him most.

Vlad showed me it was

I know for certain Vlad

okay to cry out to God, to ask

accepted Jesus as his Lord

Him questions like, “Why? Where were You? How could this happen?” Vlad had many questions as he battled earthly addictions that led him down a difficult road. I believe these

We don’t get to choose the battles we face, but we can choose how we respond and who will help us through them.

battles stemmed from his

and Savior, and I believe that when he passed from this life, heaven gained a beautiful soul. However, I also know Vlad did not fully grasp the truth that Jesus could free him from his earthly battles. Neither did

troubled upbringing. He was born and

no intention of letting him go. His wasn’t

he surround himself with people who

raised by a Russian heroin addict until

just a physical battle; it was spiritual

wanted God’s purpose for his life. My

the age of 8, then lived in a Russian or-

torment. On occasion, Vlad would give

brother needed people who would help

phanage for a couple of years before he

me a glance into his pain. When he did,

him fight the demons of addiction; instead,

came to America, where he faced unimag-

I listened, whether it was face to face or

he surrounded himself with people who

inable trauma prior to being adopted by

during those calls from jail. I was hopeful

took him down. He tried to save himself,

my parents.

yet heartbroken as I listened to my little

but by the end, he was too strung out and

When Vlad was 10, God brought him

brother bare his soul. I felt the weight of his

exhausted from the fight.

and another remarkable young Russian

brokenness and the yearning for freedom

boy, Kola, into our family. My parents

he so desperately wanted.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

As he was leaving our home one day, he told me, “I know I’ve put this whole

Issue 03 / 2019

Vlad (third from right), with his family on Father’s Day 2018. Today, Vlad is with his heavenly Father, free from his earthly battles.

family through hell.” I replied, “We’d do it

a battle. I believe each of us have specific

we choose to fight with God by our side

all over again for you, Vlad.” Then we said

susceptibilities—some more than others.

and surround ourselves with life-giving

our goodbyes—which always included an

These struggles may be spiritual, genetic,

people, we can conquer any battle.

“I love you!”—and he walked out the door.

or self-imposed. But no matter the source,

I did not know that would be the last time

God’s Word tells us how to fight.

I would see my brother or hear his voice this side of heaven. Three days before Christmas of 2018, 12 nanograms of fentanyl stole the life of my brother. He was 22. As I delicately picked up his urn, I was shocked by the unexpected weight of his ashes and the heavier loss of his absence. As his sister, I don’t want Vlad’s life to be in vain. I believe we can all learn from it. His life has inspired me to take a deeper look into my own life. It’s challenged me to allow people to help me in my times of weakness; to allow them the opportunity to help carry the weight of my burdens so I am not overcome by them. It’s challenged me to remove the people and things from my life that hurt me and replace them with

blood pumping through your veins, there’s

Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out (Ephesians 6:13–18 MSG).

hope! You can win any battle with Jesus.

We don’t get to choose the battles we

AMBER K ATYNSKI is a Jesus-loving writer, creator, licensed cosmetologist, and the executive project manager at Victorious Living magazine. She believes every person’s story deserves to be heard.

life-giving people and activities that move me toward the plans God has for me. I pray Vlad’s story will challenge you to

face, but we can choose how we respond

do the same. Maybe like Vlad, you are in

and who will help us through them. If

Issue 03 / 2019

Maybe you’re thinking it’s too late for you. I’m here to tell you, if there is still

He is on your side and ready to go to war for you. He’s just waiting for you to take a step of faith toward Him, to ask for His help, and to hand Him your battles. As I grieve the loss of my brother, I look toward the certainty of a heavenly reunion with Vlad in our true home. In the meantime, I will remember him when I am on the waves, as they remind me of his love for the water and wakeboarding. I will see his reflection in the smile of our nephews, because “Uncle Glad” was always up for one last Nerf battle. I will celebrate him in prayer because he was always willing to receive them. And I will feel the nearness of his presence in those he loved.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

STEPPING FORWARD

Dealing with Difficulties BY AYUB FLEMING

I WA S I N C O L L E G E A N D W O R K I N G F O R A L A R G E

or the lives of others are at stake. What I didn’t know at 20 was

organization in Orlando. At 20 years old, I was a security director

that my life was not all about me. I had purpose beyond my nar-

with a lot of responsibility. It was my job to interact with every

cissistic tendencies and needs. God wanted to use me to impact

person who walked through the front door of that organization.

the lives of others.

I often complained to my mother that the people I encountered each day were crazy. Her response? She’d remind me to pray. But I didn’t want to pray. I wanted to quit! Fortunately, God,

God wanted me to season the lives around me, to be a light for those who are lost, and to deliver hope to the hopeless. That’s His desire for all of us. But for me to do that required my “it’s

the Master Potter, began

all about me” mindset to di-

molding me into a different

minish so that others could

man, one who was no longer

gain significance. At times,

caught up in himself and his

it required my discomfort.

desires, but instead, who

But isn’t that what Christ did

had compassion for people

in His sacrifice for all man-

and welcomed the challenge

kind? If we are to be like

of various personalities.

Him, then this is the path

That wasn’t an easy pro-

we must walk with Him.

cess, however. God used

So many times, I asked

trials, hard work, and dif-

God to ease the pain in my

ficult people to smooth out

life, without realizing He

my rough edges and teach

was using it to teach me, to

me how to relate to others

mold me, and to put me on

as He intends. Today, I am

display in my brokenness

a mentor to many because

so that others could see Him

God loved me enough to

through me. I had to take

change my perspective.

up my cross—that thing of

For years, I prayed to God

weakness—lay down my de-

for self-justification—only to discover that God did not see things

sires, and yield to God so that I could learn to live His will and

from my perspective. Neither was He interested in my point of

not my own.

view or my desire for a quick fix. God’s concern was and always

When our perspective aligns to God’s, we gain knowledge. When

will be His boundless love song toward man called redemption.

we accept His greatness, we gain wisdom and understanding.

He wants to save us from our sin, to save us from ourselves. So

When we trust Him in the midst of our sufferings instead of

He comforts and teaches us. Sometimes He uses short-term

taking the easy way out, we gain peace and joy.

suffering to teach us a long-term perspective of His plan. He

God desires to make you whole. But that process starts and ends

offers us not only eternal life with Him in heaven but abundant

with submission to the will of God, with accepting His thoughts

life here on earth as well.

concerning yourself and your situation. That hard person or

God isn’t out to rob us of a happy life. He doesn’t hurl circum-

situation you’re encountering right now may be the very thing

stances and people in our way to cause us pain. Everything God

God will use to bring you closer to Him, to correct you as needed,

allows in our lives is meant for good, to bring us into a full life.

and to give you new direction. Surrender, so that He can usher

There is meaning in everything He does and everything He allows.

in the freedom you desire most.

To gain God’s perspective, we must learn to look at situations from His viewpoint. That means we must understand that our happiness isn’t God’s objective when our character and integrity

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

AYUB FLEMING is a real estate and business professional in Central Florida, a former pastor, and the author of a growing number of published works.

Issue 03 / 2019

A NEW LIFE BY N I C O L E A DA M S

When I think about my story, I think of my life

place. Toxic emotional environments have a way

before Jesus and my life now. Before, my life was

of adversely affecting our physical health.

empty and chaotic, and I needed Jesus desper-

My high school sweetheart and I had been mar-

ately. Now, it is complete in Him and full of love,

ried for eight years. We’d started out well, but over

happiness, and peace. It’s a life spent walking

time, he became mentally, physically, and emo-

daily in God’s plan and shining His light so others

tionally abusive. I lived a double life, dealing with

can find the new, abundant life that only Jesus

him but making sure everyone thought we were

Christ offers.

a perfect, happy family. His behavior affected me

That’s pretty deep stuff, I know. Trust me, if I’d

and our children in so many ways.

read those words six years ago, I would’ve laughed

Night after night, I asked God to save me from

at them. They would have sounded like crazy talk.

my abusive marriage. “Help me and my children,

The things of God had no meaning to me. Jesus

please,” I would cry. And I wondered where God

was nothing more than a figure hanging on a cross

was in all our mess. But no matter how many Hail

at the center of a Catholic church. God was like a

Marys, Our Fathers, or other prayers I said, there I

big puppet master in the sky, doling out events

was, still trapped—and now I was facing a possible

and circumstances with little care or concern

cancer diagnosis too.

for the recipient. I gave Him credit (or blame)

Thanks a lot, God!

for everything that happened in my life, good or

When I got home that day from the radiologist

bad. It was a messed-up theology.

and told my now ex-husband that I might have

Before I share about my new life, however, I

cancer, he belittled me for even being concerned.

want to tell you a little about my old one. I’ll start

Something snapped inside me. I’d had enough. I

with a late spring day in May 2013. I had gone to

called my parents and within minutes, they were

my doctor to discuss some female issues, and I

at the door. They’d had some knowledge of the

unexpectedly found myself in an isolated room

abuse and were glad I was finally willing to leave

in a thin, mauve, paper gown, waiting for a mam-

that situation. They took me and the kids to safety.

mogram. I was 29 years old, alone, and complete-

A week later, my doctor called me at work to tell

ly unsure of what was happening. After several

me that, yes, I had cancer. We made an appoint-

tests, the radiologist told me he was “concerned”

ment to discuss the next part of the process. I left

and sent me home. And that was the start of the

work, and as I walked to my car, I cried harder

process. I say process, because how else do you

than I ever had before.

describe a journey with cancer?

Over the next year, I underwent a double mas-

Oddly enough, cancer wasn’t my biggest prob-

tectomy, 7 rounds of chemo that left me as bald as

lem. The miserable, abusive marriage that I was

can be, 34 radiation treatments, 3 reconstructive

hiding from the world was killing me faster than

surgeries, and a divorce. It was an unbelievable

any cancer ever could. It was my bigger problem

year that stretched me in ways I never dreamed

and probably the reason I had cancer in the first

possible. But I made it.

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V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

Just about the time my bald head began growing peach fuzz, a friend set me up on a blind date. Some guy she knew wanted to take me out on his boat. Um, was she crazy? I had no hair, a freshly marred body, and was just out of a horrible relationship. Not to mention, I hated boats! With some heavy convincing, I went. If nothing else, I’d at least get a much-needed night out and a free meal. I was unprepared for the man I was about to meet. One glance at Jason Adams—tall, ridiculously handsome, unbelievably sweet—and I was in love. He swept me off my feet and took me to a place of happiness I’d never known before. “Oh, God,” I prayed, “I guess You aren’t so bad after all. I knew You’d have to bless me with something amazing after all You’ve put me through. Thank You!” There was that blame-game theology again. For two years, Jason and I enjoyed a beautiful relationship fueled by a make-your-heart-skipa-beat kind of love. But then, he started acting strange. Subtle changes in his behavior and personality made me think he might be seeing someone else or that he no longer wanted me. Stronger changes came, and before long, I hardly knew him anymore. Something was very wrong. I was unequipped to handle the new world I was facing—the world of addiction. Drugs, alcohol, and bad influences were changing him dramatically. Some days he was still the Jason I knew and loved, but the very next day he’d seem more like a devil than a man. I kept thinking, “He’s got this. We’ve got this. We’ll be okay. Jason is strong; I’m strong. We can control this thing!” How wrong I was. His parents had been down this road before, and now they took the hard line of tough love. They warned me how bad and ugly things could become. I refused to turn my back on him. I would remain bravely by his side. I would save him. But I couldn’t save him. His addiction was an uncontrollable beast, and it dragged us both away into a deep, dark place. All I could ask God was, why? I considered myself a good person—a good mother, daughter, sister, friend. I loved well and aimed to make everyone happy. Yet I kept encountering these hardships. Was God punishing me? Why? Hadn’t I suffered enough? I mean, really?! Abuse. Cancer.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

Issue 03 / 2019

older couple walking deliberately toward me. I half expected them to scold me for wearing silk coral shorts to church. That certainly would have happened at my childhood church. But Joe had another message, one he said God had impressed on his heart to give to me, and there wasn’t an ounce of judgment in it. Through tears, he told me that God wanted me to know that He loved me and that He loved the man I had been standing beside. Then Joe told me that God said we would be okay. Joe had no idea the fear I was living in because of Jason’s addiction. Nor could he have known how much I needed those words of encouragement. I thanked him, and before they left, Joe gave me his email. He said if I ever needed prayer, to let him know, and he and his beautiful wife would pray for me. The next day I emailed Joe, thanking him for his encouraging message. He responded with a simple but kind reply. A few weeks later, I received another email from Joe. It was 3:00 a.m., and Joe said the Lord had awakened him and put me on his mind. He’d been praying for me and decided to send me an email with some Scripture he’d read. I didn’t understand how Joe could know I needed those words at that moment, but they spoke directly to my situation. I now understand that it was the Holy Spirit speaking to Joe’s heart on my behalf. Thankfully, Joe listened and obeyed. As that early-morning email arrived, I was on Nicole and Jason have found freedom through Christ and are helping others do the same.

Treatments. Surgeries. Divorce. And now, Jason’s

my knees crying out to the Lord, begging Him to

addiction. Why was I losing the man I loved so

save Jason and our relationship, to bring him back

deeply to drugs? I couldn’t understand it.

to me. Jason had relapsed, and I was in a darker

It was during this dark season that God, in His

place than I had been before I met him. I was sur-

grace, began to turn my story into His story. In

rounded by fear, hurt, denial, and abandonment.

May 2016, Jason’s family invited us to visit their

Joe’s email was a ray of light in my darkness. In

church, Christ Fellowship, in Boynton Beach,

the weeks that followed, I clung to Joe’s words,

Florida. Jason had entered a detox facility and

as Jason’s addiction progressed from horrible

was staying sober. He and his family were com-

to worse, and then to near death. He lost every-

municating again. So we decided to go to church

thing—his house, boat, money, business, as well

with them. What could it hurt?

as his son, health, and family.

The decision changed our lives forever. That

“Dear God,” I cried. “Why would You give me

morning, God used a couple named Joe and Grace

such an unbelievable man and then tortuously

Taylor to deliver a message straight to me from

take him away from me like this? What have I

the heart of Father God. Joe and Grace were just

done to deserve this? Why can’t I help him?”

visiting Christ Fellowship that Sunday. They lived 300 miles away!

Issue 03 / 2019

There I was, always blaming God. Joe and I continued to exchange emails. I would

They approached me after the service ended.

tell him the happenings of my life. He would re-

The pastor had preached a powerful sermon,

ply with loving encouragement, Scripture, and

and Jason had gone to the altar to pray. I was

even lyrics from songs. In every message, he

alone at the back of the church when I saw this

shared his and Grace’s love for God and His Son,

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

Jesus. Over the next three years, our emails numbered more than a thousand. It’s amazing to look back now and see how God used Joe as a spiritual mentor in my life, teaching me about the love, grace, and ways of God. To be honest, at first all the faith talk seemed weird to me. I had no knowledge of the Bible, so I

I GOT ON MY KNEES AND SURRENDERED TO GOD, RE ALIZING FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT MY LIFE WASN’T MY OWN.

was completely lost as to what the verses he sent me meant. But even in my ignorance, I knew they

with Christ, found true freedom from the cycle

were from God. They were just so timely. Even-

of addiction.

tually, with the help of the Holy Spirit, my heart and mind opened to their meaning.

I found freedom, too. In faith, I was released from the fearful, anxious thoughts caused by my

One of Joe’s emails contained the best advice

desire to control my situations. When I gave my

I’ve ever received, advice that changed my life.

life to God, when I began to trust His love for me

He said, “Nicole, you have to give it all to God—

and my loved ones, my life changed. Everything

Jason and his addiction. Lay it all at His feet and

was better once I placed it in God’s hands. And

say to Him, ‘Thy will be done.’ Trust Him and be

it keeps getting better, especially sharing it with

obedient to whatever He is telling you to do. If

friends like Joe and Grace. I praise God for them.

you keep holding on to Jason and this situation, then God doesn’t have it. You do.”

It’s been three years since that night Jason and I separately surrendered our lives to Christ. Jason

These words finally got through, and I got on

has remained clean and sober. He serves God

my knees and surrendered everything to God,

daily and helps others find freedom in Christ by

realizing for the first time that my life wasn’t my

sharing his story and leading men’s groups at our

own. “Please, God,” I cried. “Take it all. Take my

church, including Celebrate Recovery, a biblical

relationship with Jason, his addiction, and the

program of recovery based on Jesus’s teachings.

anxiety I am carrying. I trust You.”

My surrender to God has also brought healing

That simple prayer brought real change to my

between me and my ex-husband. My relation-

heart and life. Unbelievably, Jason was on his

ship with Jesus gave me the strength I needed to

knees at the same time, surrendering His life to

pray for my ex, even after the torment he put us

Jesus too. The next day, he reentered rehab and,

through. Sometimes it was hard to pray for him,

An Invitation You Won’t Want to Refuse It was May 15, 2016, when Grace and I had our God-appointment with Nicole. Since then, we’ve watched God move mightily in her life. Nicole’s smiling face on the cover of this magazine is a reminder that we serve an abundant God. When I approached Nicole at the church that day, I had no idea the trials she and Jason were facing. All I knew was that God wanted me to tell her that He loved them and they’d be okay. So I did it. And that simple message has had a profound impact, both on her life and ours. Grace and I have had many experiences like

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

BY J O E TAY L O R

the one with Nicole, and I’ll tell you, it’s not always easy to step out and speak to a total stranger. But I’ve learned that when the Holy Spirit prompts me to do this, He’s at work in someone’s life. I’ve had to overcome fear, discomfort, and even tears to do what He’s asking, but I always know He’s up to something, and He’s inviting me to be part of His glorious plan. So much is at stake, and I don’t ever want to reject God’s invitation to be part of what He’s doing. Next time a God-inspired prompting to say or do something rises in your heart, respond. It will not be in vain.

Joe and Grace Taylor with Nicole and two of her children as they celebrate Nicole’s baptism.

Issue 03 / 2019

SURRENDER IS THE KEY TO LIFE. IT’S THE KEY TO FREED OM. GIVE GOD EVERY CONCERN YOU HAVE— BIG AND SMALL—RIGHT NOW. to ask God to give him the love, peace, and light I now possess in Jesus, but I prayed anyway. The harder it got, the harder I prayed. Today, I see those prayers being answered. My ex and I are now cordial, and he encourages our children’s relationship with Jason. There is no longer strife. Only God could have done such a thing. What was the difference between my prayer the night I surrendered and all the others? It was the condition of my heart. Before that moment, my prayers had consisted of my telling God what I wanted Him to do for me. I begged Him for good things and blamed Him for the bad. But that night, I wasn’t concerned with all those other wants anymore. I wanted only God’s will, whatever that might be. I had finally come to a place of trusting God and His love for me. Today, Jason and I are happily married and live with our three beautiful children who are growing not only in stature but in faith as well. In July, I’ll celebrate six years of being cancer free and six years of being abuse free. Life with Jesus

me who I am in Him. Now I ask, “God, what have

has been unbelievable—but that doesn’t mean it

I done to deserve love like this?”

has been or will be free of trials. Trouble comes

Are there circumstances in your life that you’ve

to all of us (John 16:33), but Jesus continues to

been begging God to change? Maybe for years,

show Himself faithful through every situation.

you’ve tried to control or manipulate your situa-

As we draw closer to Him through the study of

tion, to no avail. What is it—a diagnosis or chronic

His Word, He continually shines His light into

illness, abuse or addiction, finances? Your weight?

our lives.

Regardless of your challenge, I encourage you

I’ve learned that God doesn’t send pain into

to give it to God. Put it in His hands and be free

our lives to punish us. He wasn’t punishing me

of your burden. Then follow His lead. You’ll find

with all the troubles I experienced. No—He used

freedom and peace as you watch God do what

the pain that Satan meant for my destruction

only He can do.

to bring me to the amazing, life-giving power of

Surrender is the key to life. It’s the key to free-

Jesus Christ. I am a witness to what God can do

dom. Give God every concern you have—big and

with a surrendered life. Because of Him, I am

small—right now. He will take them. He’ll lighten

thankful for my past. It’s part of my testimony.

your load if you let Him. He can handle anything.

It’s my story. It’s who I am. It’s given me a unique

Your part is to trust God, follow Jesus, and listen

perspective to help others. Maybe even you.

to the Holy Spirit. When you do, the door to the

I used to blame God for all the bad things that

abundant life Jesus died to give you will be opened

happened to me. Now, with Jesus at the center

for you. He offers that to everyone, regardless of

of my life, I know those things weren’t His fault.

their situation.

They weren’t punishment, and the good things weren’t reward. They were all a part of making

Issue 03 / 2019

Let God’s light take you out of your darkness. Let it bring you to new life in Him.

NICOLE ADAMS is married to Jason, the love of her life, and together they have three beautiful children. They live in sunny south Florida, shining the light of Jesus Christ.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

STEPPING FORWARD

Need Peace? Get Jesus BY KRISTI DEWS DALE

THE GIRL IS NINE. She lies on a ham-

these statements. They didn’t understand

You will not experience true peace in

mock, watching the sun splashing through

His impending betrayal and departure;

your home, your work, with your family, or

the leaves on the trees. A breeze blows the

they were confused. Jesus knew this, so He

in your community until you have Jesus.

hammock back and forth. Her eyes open

gave them what they needed, something

But even as you seek Him through prayer

and close lazily. Rolling over onto her belly,

that would sustain them. He gave them

and His Word, life might not look the way

she begins counting a family of ants as

His peace—peace that is not of this world

you want it to. It might still be messy. It

they busily build a new home in the dirt

and that “surpasses all comprehension”

might still be hard.

beneath her. Summer is coming to a close,

(Philippians 4:7).

When Jesus promised peace to His dis-

but she is not thinking about the start of

ciples, they didn’t know what lay ahead

school or what she will eat next. Nothing

for them, but Jesus did. Some of them

about the future enters her mind. Her fo-

would face tough ministries in far-away

cus is the present—just this little family of

countries. Others would face imprison-

ants and that perfect breeze.

ment, and most eventually suffered brutal,

This childhood moment reminds me

violent deaths. Jesus was not promising

of a simpler time when my worries were

His men an easy life. He was promising

few. As an adult, my life seldom resembles

them peace, His peace. With that, they could

this peaceful, tranquil scene. Adulthood

face their situations and not be overcome.

is messy. It’s filled with financial worries,

Here are a few simple truths about

relationship issues, illness, problems at work, and unending laundry!

Jesus that we can cling to when life is one But even with Jesus’s words still echoing

I conducted a poll about the word peace

in their ears, early Christians struggled

recently. I asked participants to describe

to maintain peace. Paul addressed this

what peace looked like to them. They

in Ephesians 2:14, reminding the church

defined peace with words like quiet, safe,

that Christ Himself is our peace. All we

calm, secure, and together. They suggested

need to have peace is Jesus.

snuggling, reading, drawing, sleeping, listen-

Are you looking for peace today? Are you

ing to music, and, my personal favorite,

fighting to maintain it? Start by seeking Je-

eating candy as peaceful things to do.

sus Christ. Jesus is Immanuel. Immanuel

These are all nice, but none of these

means God with us. And God is our peace.

big mess. • The Lord watches over you and protects you (Psalm 121:5–8). • The Lord gives you strength. (Isaiah 41:10). • Nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:39). • God will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

feelings or activities bring lasting peace.

• God promises to return (Luke 12:40).

As soon as a trial comes, those things go

• God offers eternal life as a free gift

right out the door! So where do we find lasting peace?

(Romans 6:23). • God will keep you safe (Psalm 4:8).

It comes from Jesus, for He is the giver of peace. In John 14:27, Jesus says, “Peace

There’s only one way to obtain the Lord’s

I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not

peace—you must trust in God’s promises

as the world gives do I give to you” (NASB).

and seek after Christ Jesus. In Him and

Jesus comforted His disciples with this

in His Word, you will find lasting peace

statement at the Lord’s Supper. He had just

that will move you forward through every

told them that one of them would betray

situation.

Him and that He would soon be leaving their world. He also told them that where He was going, they could not follow. The disciples were deeply troubled by

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

KRISTI DEWS DALE is a wife and the mother of four amazing children. She holds a master’s degree in public health and is an adjunct business instructor at a local college.

Issue 03 / 2019

W H AT FA I T H CAN DO

turned on the car radio, des-

girls, then 10 and 7, inside the house. Then

house, then drove to retrieve my 13-year-

perately needing something to

he asked me to climb into his vehicle.

old daughter from school. The crying in

drown out the silence. “That’s

He proceeded to explain that my hus-

the car as we felt the weight of the world

What Faith Can Do” by Kutlass

band had been arrested on child pornog-

on our shoulders that day is something

began streaming through the

raphy charges. “What? Not my husband.

I will never forget. It was hard and ugly.

airways. Through tears I said

You’re wrong. You have the wrong man!”

As the week went on and the story un-

to myself, “Yes, faith. That’s

He showed me my husband’s picture,

folded, I was literally driven to my knees. I

what I need. Faith to survive

and the world caved in. How—what—would

desperately needed God to show me what

this nightmare.”

I tell the girls? What would those in our

to do. Should I stay with my husband?

Thursday, December 10,

church and community think? We lived

Stand by his side? Or should I take our

2009, began as an ordinary day. I picked

in a very small town, so I knew the news

girls and leave?

up two of our girls from school and pulled

would spread quickly. I suddenly found

James 1:5 reminded me that if I lacked

into the driveway, only to find two SUVs

myself despising the man I had loved just

wisdom, I should ask God, who gives it

waiting for me. One was black, the other

hours before.

generously. So I asked Him, and I sensed

white. A detective asked me to take the

Issue 03 / 2019

I collected gymnastics leotards from the

Him leading me to stay, to go to court be-

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

PHOTO COURTESY OF GERI SIMPKINS PHOTOGR APHY

BY T I N A V. B RO W N

Hang on to your faith. Cling to God’s promises. Grab Him by the hand and ask Him to lead you. He will. And when you can’t seem to take one more step, He will carry you.

see, I thought I knew Him before. I went to church, believed in Him as my Savior, and even served others. But now, because of my need to be totally dependent on Him, I have come to know Him by experience. It’s like Job 42:5 says—I had only heard about God before, but now I’ve seen Him with my own eyes. I’ve experienced His strength in my weakness. His provision in lack. And His protection and vindication against Satan, the enemy who sought to

you must forgive them” (NIV). I had always

destroy our family. God has been my con-

believed that forgiveness was a one-time

stant and only source of strength since this

side my husband, and to stand before the

deal. Maybe it is for some people, but that

thing began. Had it not been for this trial,

church body with him as our lives were

hasn’t been the case for me. I’ve had to

I never would have known God the way I

laid open like a book.

forgive my husband multiple times as

do now. Therefore, I am thankful.

Some questioned my decision, but I

each new discovery shattered my heart

Maybe you’re in a painful place, and you

clung to God’s promise of wisdom. I had

anew. Even in forgiveness, there remains

have little hope of it ever changing. I want

to believe that as long as I sought Him, my

real, painful consequences; not just for the

to encourage you to hang on to your faith.

Jesus would divinely lead me in every de-

one who committed the sin, but for those

Cling to God’s promises. Grab Him by the

cision I made (Proverbs 3:6). And He has.

around them, too. And every time those

hand and ask Him to lead you. He will. And

If I had doubted His faithfulness to guide

consequences arise, I have to choose to

when you can’t seem to take one more step,

me, my emotions would have overtaken

forgive again.

He will carry you.

me. I know this, because James 1:8 says

We have been navigating the aftermath

You are not alone in this journey. You

that anyone who doubts God’s provision

of my husband’s choices for nearly a de-

are not without hope. God is with you.

of wisdom is unstable in every way. Hold-

cade now. We’ve all suffered in our own

Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “Be strong and

ing fast to God’s promise is the only thing

ways. For the girls, it has been a humili-

courageous! Do not be afraid and do not

that kept me on solid ground as my world

ating experience. Being a teen is difficult

panic before them. The Lord your God will

crumbled around me.

enough without having to make sense of

personally go ahead of you. He will neither

I trusted the Lord’s leading as I stepped

their situation or having to constantly

fail you nor abandon you” (NIV). This has

into my new normal of monthly court

explain to their friends why their dad is

been my theme verse, and it has kept me

dates, probation, a short jail sentence,

never around.

going minute by minute. Let it be yours.

and caring for our daughters alone as best

I basically became a single mother over-

I could. I grabbed God by the hand and

night. We’re still married, and he still lives

faced what I had to face. Today, I continue

at home, but because of his crime, he is not

Remember too the promise in Lamenta-

to trust His leading with every new chal-

permitted to participate in family activi-

tions 3:22–23, “Because of the Lord’s great

lenge. My husband’s choices uprooted our

ties. Any place where children may be is

love, we are not consumed, for his com-

family and set us down in a hard place that

off limits for my husband, so that means I

passions never fail. They are new every

has not gotten easier.

attend every event alone—birthday parties,

morning; great is his faithfulness” (NIV).

My journey forced me to wrap my heart and mind around the concept of forgive-

school functions, sleepovers, carpooling, church, vacation destinations.

Knowing the Lord goes before you will keep you moving forward.

I encourage you to discover these truths for yourself. Hold fast to God. Ask Him

ness. I knew God expected me to forgive

My husband, of course, has been im-

to show you the way. Forgive those who

my husband. I read the Bible and discov-

pacted too. He lives daily with the regret

have made your path difficult. And move

ered that forgiveness wasn’t an option.

of his past, yet because of those choices,

forward in the strength and wisdom He

Matthew 6:14–15 says that if we forgive

he is prevented from moving forward in

gives, looking daily for His compassion.

others, God will forgive us. But if we don’t

many ways.

He will not fail you, for He who promised

forgive, then He will not forgive us either.

Still, I will trust God. James 1:2–3 en-

And we have done things that we need

courages me to face my circumstances

forgiveness for.

with joy, so that’s what I choose. Why? Be-

Luke 17:3–4 says, “Even if they sin

cause these trials have led me to a deep,

against you seven times in a day and seven

personal relationship with Jesus Christ

times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’

that I would not have had otherwise. You

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).

TINA V. BROWN has been married for 23 years and has three children. She lives in North Carolina and is a preschool teacher. Her passion is loving children to Christ and teaching them about Him.

Issue 03 / 2019

My Father and Me BY N O R I N E H O D D E R

My father worked a full-time

of 70 miles. On top of that, he

he gave an invitation for peo-

not perish but have eternal life”

job, and at the same time, he

visited congregation members

ple to surrender their lives to

(NIV). I learned that God loved

pastored a church. I learned

and often gave rides to those

Christ, something inside me

me so much, He had given up

much about the Bible from my

who did not drive. This was

stirred. I knew I needed to go

what was most precious to

father’s sermons and my moth-

in addition to the 40+ hours a

to the altar. I knew I needed

Him—His Son, Jesus (Romans

er’s Sunday school lessons.

week he worked at a chemical

God. But I couldn’t go.

8:32). I learned that God’s love

However, I had no knowledge

plant. As an adult, I realize he

My father was sitting at the

was patient and kind. It wasn’t

of God’s love. Although a pastor,

was pulled in many directions

end of the bench, and I would

abusive or hurtful. I learned

my father did and said many

and was under great pressure.

have to squeeze past him in or-

that Jesus had laid down His

cruel things to me and other

But he took it out on us.

der to go forward. I was afraid

own life for me and that He

family members. Beatings and

Although I heard about

he would grab me or belittle

thought wonderful things

hateful words were common-

God frequently, I doubted His

me as he had done in the past.

about me.

place, and I hated him for that.

existence. Family meals be-

So I stayed in my seat and let

This God intrigued me. I

My father never had a good

gan with a blessing using the

the fear of my earthly father

example of how to discipline

words, “Our Lord and heavenly

keep me from my heavenly

One evening after church,

his children—his father had

Father.” For me, anything that

Father who could give me what

the pastor and his wife invited

been abusive as well. Thus,

had to do with a father was to

I longed for and needed—love

our family to their house. For

he disciplined us out of anger,

be avoided, just as I avoided my

and acceptance.

the first time, I witnessed love

not love. He had little time to

father’s fists in the car.

reflect on the effects his words and actions had on us. He preached three times a

wanted His love.

Years later, my father

displayed in a family. I saw it

If God was anything like my

stopped pastoring, and we

in the way the pastor and his

father, I didn’t want any part

began attending a church

wife interacted with each other.

of Him.

near our home. There, I final-

I felt it in the way they treated

week and taught a Bible lesson

Yet, despite my negative im-

ly learned John 3:16, the verse

us. It felt so good! And I saw

before the Sunday morning

pressions about God, I was still

about God’s love for us. “For

what a family should be like.

service. All of this required

drawn to Him. I remember lis-

God so loved the world that he

Not long after, I went to the

preparation. Each church at-

tening to a youth evangelist at

gave his one and only Son, that

front of their church, surren-

tendance required a round trip

another church in town. When

whoever believes in him shall

dered my life to the Lord, and

Issue 03 / 2019

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

received His love. God became

ing cards and mailed them to

the loving father I’d never had.

him. Mother said he checked

In time, He took the hate and

the mail frequently to see if I

bitterness I had toward my

had sent him a card.

earthly father from my heart

One day I felt God telling me

and replaced it with His love.

to set aside time to pray for my

Through God’s eyes, I began

father. That day I cried, think-

to see situations differently.

ing about my father’s condition

Amazingly, He even enabled

and our continued fear of him.

me to pray for my father.

A week later, Mother called me

And father did, indeed, need

at five in the morning. Father

prayer. No longer pastoring, he

had taken his life. God knew

God became the loving father I’d never had. In time, He took the hate and bitterness I had toward my earthly father from my heart and replaced it with His love. spent many hours in front of

the battle my father was in,

the television. A work injury

an internal battle we had not

brought excruciating sciatica

understood.

pain. Surgery made things

It was difficult to grieve his

worse. To treat his now chronic

death. I needed to talk, but peo-

pain, a doctor prescribed De-

ple avoided the subject of sui-

merol, a narcotic similar to

cide like the plague. Not being

heroin. Later, another doctor

able to speak to others about

That choice freed me to grow

with bitterness over my expe-

prescribed Valium. My father

my father’s death added to my

in His love. Had I remained in

rience, but God’s love and His

developed an addiction to

sorrow. I could, however, talk to

bitterness all those years and

strength has given me the

these medications that contin-

my heavenly Father about the

despised my father, it would

freedom I needed to enjoy a

ued for the rest of his life and

loss of my earthly father, and

not have gone well for me

purpose-filled life.

caused us all much pain.

He brought healing to my bro-

(Ephesians 6:2–3). Bitterness

I left home to attend college,

ken heart. My relationship with

would have defiled my life and

but I continued to pray for my

God comforts and sustains me

the lives of those around me

father. Upset about how he act-

to this day.

(Hebrews 12:15). Further, Sa-

Norine finds joy in helping incarcerated people find the love of their heavenly Father.

ed when I visited, I sought the

My life would have been so

tan would have had an opening

advice of my pastor. He told me

different had I not allowed

into my life to destroy it (Ephe-

to share Bible verses with him.

God to unshackle me from the

sians 4:26–27).

So I wrote Bible verses in greet-

bondage of unforgiveness.

PUBLISHER’S NOTE: Maybe you’ve suffered abuse from someone who should have loved you but instead hurt you. Maybe you’ve witnessed the hypocrisy of Christians who say one thing but do another. Take Norine’s advice: forgive them and move forward. You can’t change the past, but with God’s help, you can be free from the bondage of unforgiveness.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

I could have been consumed

NORINE HODDER is an endorsed chaplain who facilitates classes in jails, prisons, and rehabilitation centers, helping people there gain freedom by applying God’s Word to their lives. After spending nearly two years in Spain as a missionary, Norine now participates in evangelistic outreach in the US and Latin America.

And if you are a Christian who isn’t walking in love toward those around you, think about the impact your actions have on others. Every time you hold yourself out to be a follower of Christ but don’t exhibit Him in the way you live, you are hurting God’s children and negatively impacting the kingdom of God. Ask those you’ve hurt to forgive you. Ask God to forgive you too.

Issue 03 / 2019

welcome home BY P H I L I P L AT I S L AW

I grew up in a fundamental Baptist church in Indiana, where the legalities of religion were constantly drilled into my head. 30

Issue 03 / 2019

Rules existed over God’s grace and love.

stantly longed for the love and comfort of

Fortunately, my parents showed grace and

those I loved, especially my dad. It was a

love to my siblings and me at home. My

legitimate need that was not always ful-

father led me to Jesus at age six. I always

filled. My dad worked long hours, and I

wanted to be just like my dad.

didn’t understand why he couldn’t spend

I was the middle child, and sometimes

more time with me.

felt like the odd man out. I never quite un-

Then, in 1991, my dad’s secret struggle

derstood where I fit in my family. It didn’t

with homosexuality was revealed. For a

help that I was a sensitive kid; general

while, my parents tried to salvage their

teasing impacted me to the core. I con-

marriage through counseling, but hope

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

of restoration disintegrated when my dad

the seductive world of sin. He heard the

For the next several years, God contin-

left us for another man. Mom and Dad

cries of my soul before I even thought to

ued to graciously interject Himself into

divorced, leaving me, an awkward adoles-

make a sound.

my life. I could sense His love drawing

cent, feeling totally abandoned.

Luke 15:3–10 gives us the parable of the

me, but I resisted Him and continued to

Not long after that, my best friend, who

lost sheep. Jesus was sharing it with His

was the same age as me, sexually molest-

disciples, and He said: “Suppose one of

participate in my old ways. Satan would not go down without a fight.

ed me. I was starving for male attention

you has a hundred sheep and loses one

He sent an evil presence to pursue my soul

from my dad, so my molester was able to

of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine

that tormented my mind with fear. He told

sexualize my unmet emotional needs. I

in the open country and go after the lost

me God would never love me, that I was

was confused, yet I wanted more. A male

sheep until he finds it? And when he finds

doomed for hell.

was willing to give me attention, and even

it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and

He gleefully reminded me of 1 Corin-

though I knew it was wrong, it satisfied

goes home. Then he calls his friends and

thians 6:9–10 that says, “Do you not know

something deep within me.

neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with

that wrongdoers will not inherit the king-

Those unmet emotional needs of my

me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you

dom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither

11-year-old heart followed me into adult-

that in the same way there will be more

the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor

hood. Abandonment plagued my future

rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who

adulterers nor men who have sex with men

relationships, and I soon found myself

repents than over ninety-nine righteous

nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards

actively engaging in the homosexual life-

persons who do not need to repent” (NIV).

nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit

style, just like my father. I played the role

I was a lost sheep who had gone astray

of provider and caretaker with my younger

and turned to my own way, but Jesus came

I was on this list—surely I was doomed!

partners, trying to meet their needs so

looking for me. I am so thankful for my

But then God showed me verse 11. As I

they wouldn’t abandon me. With older

mother and her friends, who prayed me

read it, the inexplicable peace of God

partners, I searched for protection, guid-

back into the arms of the Good Shepherd.

flooded my spirit. It says: “And that is what

ance, and comfort. I gave to others what I

I am certain they were instrumental in

some of you were. But you were washed,

desperately needed myself.

the successfull completion of Operation

you were sanctified, you were justified in

Lost Sheep. My mother has never stopped

the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by

praying for me.

the Spirit of our God” (NIV).

In 2000, after years of struggling with my sexuality, I came out. For the next 15

the kingdom of God” (NIV).

years, I immersed myself in promiscuity

I began to sense the Lord’s rescue mis-

Paul was talking to Christians in this

in the gay community. I had finally found a

sion in 2011 when I moved to Orlando,

passage, believers whom God loved. Sheep

place to belong. Being gay was my identity.

Florida. I had just experienced yet another

who, like me, had once been lost but now

It influenced where I ate, how I dressed,

bad relationship and was on the run. I was

were found. God had sent His Son, Jesus—

and the events I attended. It determined

an unemployed, extreme alcoholic with no

the Good Shepherd—to give His life for me,

my circle of friends and even my choice

family by my side. Loneliness and depres-

to rescue me, and to bring me back home.

of doctors.

sion were my companions.

This verse was written for me, and it was

I was in and out of relationships, always

But during this low point of my life, the

seeking gratification through sexual activi-

Lord began to show me how much I needed

written for anyone else who will leave their

ties. When sex failed to silence my needs, I

Him. Everything I had put my hope in had

I’m so thankful that I finally responded

turned to drugs and alcohol. Drug-induced

failed me. People. Relationships. Careers.

to the subtle voice of the Holy Spirit that

comas were not abnormal. Sex and sub-

Drugs. Alcohol. Nothing satisfied the ache

beckoned me to Himself. I can still hear

stance abuse were my constant compan-

in my soul. So God moved me to “the hap-

Him gently whispering my name early

ions, and they led me down dark paths that

piest place on earth” to show me that I was

one morning in the spring of 2015. There

almost took my life.

the most unhappy person on Earth.

was no judgment or condemnation, only

life of sin behind for Jesus.

Each sexual encounter robbed me of

There, God began patiently pulling down

grace and mercy. I fell to my knees and

self-worth and fed my insecurities. Lust

the walls I had built around my heart.

surrendered my heart to Jesus. I called

became an insatiable desire that birthed

Many of them had been there since the

out for Him to be my Savior, and He came

an addiction to pornography and self-

rejection I had felt as a child. The divorce

to my rescue.

gratification. I was lost in a cruel world

of my parents and my father’s homosex-

On Easter Sunday that year, I walked

of sin and imprisoned by bad decisions. I

ual lifestyle had left so many questions,

through the doors of First Baptist Orlando,

needed to be rescued.

but rather than ask God for answers, I had

a new man in Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians

Fortunately for me, Father God had de-

self-medicated with relationships, alter-

5:17). The music pulsated through my

vised a rescue mission I call “Operation

native lifestyles, alcohol, and drugs. These

heart as the greeters welcomed me with

Lost Sheep,” long before I ever entered

things, of course, only brought more pain.

a smile, and right beside them, the Holy

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

Issue 03 / 2019

Spirit whispered to my heart, “Welcome home, Philip.”

I continue to find support through my life group and the creative arts department

to lead him back to the arms of Jesus—it is nothing but a miracle.

I have to admit, surrendering my life

at church, as well as through Exchange

People often ask me, “So does this mean

to Jesus was scary at first. God was ask-

Ministries and Big Fish Ministries. Both

you’re straight now?” I respond that my

ing me to give up everything, to exchange

organizations provide support for individ-

true identity is found in God, not my sex-

my broken identity for a new identity in

uals struggling with same-sex attraction,

uality. I live as a child of God, knowing that

Him. This only made sense when I began

as well as support for their families. I also

I am loved. Accepted. Enough. And chosen

mourning the loss of my former life. A part

have a wonderful mentor who personally

by Him to be a witness to this world.

of me had died. I had to surrender over to

understands my struggle and constantly

Jesus 15 years of memories and friends,

points me to Jesus.

Today, my focus is on holy living and pleasing God, not myself. It’s a daily sur-

and as with any loss or death, I grieved.

This community of believers has helped

render of my will to His, but God gives me

Yet, like any loving father, the Lord was

me realize I’m not the only Christian in

His strength to walk in obedience to His

by my side. His promise in Psalm 34:18

the world who struggles with the concept

will for my life. I’ve learned to recognize

of identity. Some people

my triggers, and I try to avoid them. And

turn to money, success in

when I am tempted, I look for the “way

athletics or their career, or

out” the Lord promises to provide in 1

the praise of man to find

Corinthians 10:13. Since choosing God,

their identities. Some turn

my temptations are less frequent.

to drugs and alcohol. Others,

Maybe you’ve wandered from the truth

like I once did, turn to un-

of who you are in Christ. Maybe you’ve for-

healthy sexual relationships. Unlike many of these things, though, homosexuality is a taboo subject in Christian circles, so many people fail to get the love and support they need to live a victorious life in Christ. I pray my story will encourage the body of Christ to come alongside those

God knows what you’ve done. He knows who you are. But still, He is reaching out His hand of hope to you. Grab it.

who are seeking relational

Philip and his father have played vital roles in each other’s relationship with the Lord.

and sexual wholeness in

feited the identity He gave you. It’s not too

alignment with God’s Word.

late to come home to Him. You’re not so far

They need Christ’s love, not

that He won’t come find you. He loves you.

judgment, so they can find

Isaiah 53:6 says, “We’re all like sheep

their new life and identity in

who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve

Christ Jesus.

all done our own thing, gone our own way.

My story has already affected at least one person in

And God has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong, on [Jesus]” (MSG).

carried me through those difficult weeks.

my life—my dad. As he watched my life

God knows what you’ve done. He knows

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

change, the Holy Spirit used my story to

who you are. But still, He reaches out His

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

bring my dad back to the Lord. Dad re-

hand of hope to you. Grab it. Come home

Being gay was all I knew; it was com-

dedicated his life to Jesus last year and is

today and discover the peace, freedom,

fortable. I knew my whole life was about to

now on the same journey. After 27 years

and love you’ve always longed for. It’s avail-

change. But the Lord gently took me by the

of living as a homosexual, he has surren-

able to all who believe and call on His name

hand and walked me through the process.

dered his life to Christ. Now tell me that

(Romans 10:13).

At First Baptist, He gave me a community

isn’t awesome. Glory to God!

of believers who loved me to wholeness.

The Lord has redeemed our relationship

Staying connected with other believers

and brought everything back full circle. To

has been crucial to my success in living a

think how Dad led me to the Lord when I

victorious life in Christ.

was six, and now God has used my story

Issue 03 / 2019

PHILIP LATISLAW shares his story of freedom and encourages others to share theirs. To learn more about the same-sex support groups that helped Philip, visit ExchangeMinistries.org, BigFishMinistry.org, and HopeforWholeness.org.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

STEPPING FORWARD

TRUSTIN G GO D IN THE FIERY FURNACE BY ROY A. BORGES

I D O N ’ T K N O W W H Y C E R TA I N

want you to know, Your Majesty, that we

things have happened to me. Life hasn’t

will not serve your gods or worship the

Whether or not God delivers me from

been easy. Many times I’ve pleaded with

image of gold you have set up” (Daniel

the fiery furnace of prison, I have decided,

God to deliver me, but He hasn’t. During

3:18 NIV).

like those Hebrew boys, that I will continue

His love for me that I must trust.

these times, I’ve had to remind myself that

“But even if He does not”—these are

to praise Him. I will continue to declare

God is doing something greater than my

powerful words. Even if God didn’t deliver

His faithfulness and His love to all who

mind can understand. He is engineering

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from

will listen. I will continue to be obedient

my circumstances so they will benefit me

the fire, they were still going to be faithful

to Him. God deserves my praise regard-

immensely in the long run. He is using

and obedient to Him. They would rather

less of my circumstances. And you know

what feels like a fiery furnace to help me

die in integrity, than live in iniquity. When

what? As I’ve praised Him, I’ve been able

know His love by experience, to strength-

I think of this account, I have to ask myself,

to endure the fire. And as I’ve obeyed Him,

en my trust in Him, to teach me, and to

“Will I put my complete trust in God and let

I’ve been blessed.

use my life in ways it wouldn’t have been

Him use me for His purposes, regardless

Over the past 30 years, God has been my

used otherwise.

of whether He delivers me or not? Will I

strength. My protection. My provision. My

stay in faith and do what is right?”

peace. My joy. He is the power that has sus-

We’ve all found ourselves in “fiery furnaces,” where God must show up or else. I think about the biblical account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. These three Hebrew boys were thrown into an actual fi-

tained me. He continues

W I LL I PUT M Y CO M PLE TE TRU S T I N G O D A N D LE T H I M U S E M E FO R H I S PU R P O S E S, R EGA R D LE S S O F W H E TH E R H E D E LI V E R S M E O R N OT? W I LL I S TAY I N FA ITH A N D D O W H AT I S R I G HT?

ery furnace because they refused to worship the golden idol that King Nebuchadnezzar had constructed. Rather than compromise their faith, the boys stood firm, trusting that God would

to work all things out for my good and for His glory (Romans 8:28). Prison has been my crucible—the refining pot that God has used to teach me to trust Him and

I’m in prison for breaking the law. Over

to draw me closer to Himself. And no mat-

the past 30 years, I’ve paid my debt many

ter how hot the fire has gotten, God has

times over. I know God could deliver me if

been right there with me, just as he was

He wanted to; but He hasn’t intervened.

for those Hebrew boys (Daniel 3:25). He

deliver them from the fire. Read Daniel

Adopting Shadrach, Meshach, and

has never forsaken me. Further, what man

3:17 NIV: “If we are thrown into the blazing

Abednego’s “but if not” attitude has en-

designed to confine me, He has used to set

furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver

abled me to trust God without a guarantee

me free. He took what Satan meant to kill

us from it, and he will deliver us from Your

of deliverance. It has allowed me to look

me and used it to lead me to eternal life.

Majesty’s hand.”

at my prison furnace differently and rec-

For that alone, I will always praise Him.

But what I really love in this story is the

ognize that God has a reason behind my

boys’ commitment to God, shown in the

circumstances. I know He alone possesses

next verse: “But even if he does not, we

absolute wisdom, and it is this wisdom and

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

ROY A. BORGES writes about his life experiences from a prison cell in Florida. His stories have appeared in many Christian publications.

Issue 03 / 2019

TR ANSFORMED LIVES

Never Too Far Away BY STASHA MARCINKOWSKI WITH KRISTI OVERTON JOHNSON

“YOUR FATHER ABANDONED YOU because you were not worthy. You’re not good enough. You’re dirty. You’re damaged goods. You’ll be a drug addict for the rest of your life. You’ll die with a needle in your arm—and you’ll deserve it because of all the terrible things you’ve done. God doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you. He will never forgive you.” For so long, those words and others like them were a constant chorus in my mind. I fought against believing them, but it was hard. Satan wanted my life, and he used these lies to take me down. And then one day, I realized his tactics. I recognized him for who he really was—a liar, a deceiver, and most importantly, a defeated foe. How did that happen? I finally realized who God was, and I accepted who I am in Him. The day I surrendered my life to God and stood tall in my identity as His child was the greatest day of my life. It was a choice that changed everything. But getting to that point wasn’t an easy road. I was introduced to the Lord at a young age. I used to go to Bible study at Miss Purdue’s house with the kids in my neighborhood. I believed in Jesus, but the older I got, the more I forgot about Him. The trials of life picked away at my childhood faith. Abandonment by my father, childhood

Issue 03 / 2019

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

TR ANSFORMED LIVES

sexual abuse by a close relative, and then

It was a time of incredible isolation, but it

the death of my mother—these planted

was there I finally drew close to the Great

outreach of First Baptist Orlando. God used these precious women to

seeds of pain that grew and overtook my

Physician—the One who could heal not

teach me, based on the authority of the

heart and mind. By the age of 16, I was lost,

only my diseased body but also my bro-

Bible, how to break free from the spirit

alone, confused, and angry.

ken heart.

of rejection and abandonment that had

I turned to drugs to mask the reality of

I read my Bible and learned about

held me captive for so long. I learned the

my world. I spent most of my teenage years

the Lord and His love for me. I spent 18

importance of forgiving myself and be-

in a drug-induced stupor. My mother had

months in prison, and then I was released.

gan a process of forgiving those who had

been everything to me—the most import-

I was sure I was ready to live for Him—

hurt me.

ant person in the world. When I lost her, I

certain I’d never go back to drugs. But

felt like I had nothing left.

within three weeks, I was high again.

The years went by, and I spiraled out of

I also learned my identity as a child of God. I know now that He calls me His

How? Why? Because of pride.

beloved. Worthy. Enough. Clean. Perfect.

control. One hit of heroin was all I needed

I thought I had my life all under con-

Forgiven. Useful. The names He gives

to be hooked. After that, my life was no

trol. I marched out of that prison so sure

me are far removed from the ones Satan

longer my own. My addiction led to nu-

of myself, I never once stopped to ask for

taunted me with.

merous felonies. Yet in the midst of my

God’s strength or the support of His people

This is my story, but it can be yours too.

chaos and darkness, I could hear God’s

in making a new life. I quickly learned I

I want you to know that this time around, it

voice calling out to me. “Stasha,” He’d say,

couldn’t do it on my own. And I crashed.

can be different. And it can be better. God

“you don’t have to live like this. I want better for you. I can make it better if you just let Me.” But I kept running, kept trying to mask my pain, and kept racking up more felonies. Ultimately, however, God had a plan, and He used those felonies to save my life and to teach me about His unconditional love and grace. These weren’t always easy

“Stasha, you don’t have to live like this. I want better for you. I can make it better if you just let Me.”

lessons. I discovered I had breast cancer while sitting in jail, waiting for my prison sen-

This failure absolutely defeated me.

is calling out to you; He’s telling you too:

tence to begin. I had surgery at Orlando

Convinced God was mad at me, I hung my

“You don’t have to live like this. I want better

Regional Medical Center, and then I was

head low and kept on going on my own. For

for you. I can make it better, if you just let Me.”

returned to the jail. It was a difficult and

a whole year, I trudged down my path of

Give it up. Let God make it better. Let

humiliating experience, but during this

destruction. Convinced God had washed

Him give you the life He died to give you.

time, I finally looked up. I had exhausted

His hands of me, I reached a darker place

Stop running. Stop hiding. Stop covering

all that the world had to offer. I’d tried ev-

than I had ever been before.

your pain. You can’t do it on your own—but

erything and everyone to ease my pain. Something had to change.

Predictably, I found myself back in prison. And there again, I heard God’s voice.

with Him, you can. All things are possible with Him.

Once again I heard God’s voice. “Stasha,

Reminding me of His better way. Inviting

I know that God will give you better if

you don’t have to live like this. I want better

me to come back to Him. It wasn’t too late.

you let Him. He has given me a life I could

for you. I can make it better if you just let Me.”

I hadn’t gone too far.

never have imagined. He has brought real

This time, I was ready. I gave my life to

I returned to God. Once again, I turned

God, and in that moment, I felt His love

from my go-to, destructive ways. But this

wrap around me. I finally knew I wasn’t

time, I humbly accepted God’s help and

alone—that I had never been alone.

chose to move forward with Him, one

I was sent to a men’s prison so I could

step at a time. He led me to some amazing

receive chemo treatments for my breast

women who loved me and walked the jour-

cancer. The men’s facility was the only

ney with me—in particular, the wonderful

place with an available cancer treatment.

people at the Lydia House in Orlando, an

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

change in me, and He’s given me a family in Him where I am never alone. He’ll do the same for you. STASHA MARCINKOWSKI is serving God at her home church, First Baptist Orlando, and living a victorious life in Christ. She is a graduate of the Lydia House and a mentor for women who are transitioning from incarceration.

Issue 03 / 2019

STEPPING FORWARD

tionately refer to as “the spot.”

blessing if we don’t give up”

It just happens to be the most

(Galatians 6:9).

beautiful part of our neighbor-

“God blesses those who

hood. We looked out over the

patiently endure testing and

rooftops to the lake where we

temptation. Afterward, they

often come to watch the sun

will receive the crown of life

set. It really is lovely, but we

that God has promised to those

would not have seen its beauty

who love him” (James 1:12).

that day if we had turned back.

“Do not throw away this

There’s a unifying theme

confident trust in the Lord.

that permeates the entire Old

Remember the great reward

I can do hard things because my Father’s hand is resting gently on my back and His voice speaks tenderly over me, “You’re doing good, son. Keep going.”

When It’s Hard, Press on! BY CHRIS OGDEN

Testament—the part of the Bi-

it brings you! Patient endur-

ble that tells of life before Jesus

ance is what you need now, so

came to earth. From Genesis

that you will continue to do

through Malachi, we are often

God’s will. Then you will re-

reminded that God is faithful. At

ceive all that he has promised”

the same time, we’re given am-

(Hebrews 10:35–36).

ple evidence that God’s people

Did you catch that last part?

are not faithful. They lose heart.

If we endure patiently to the

They fail. They give up. Yet God

end, we will receive all that He

M Y S O N R E C E N T LY re-

out of my mouth, I regretted

is so faithful that He continues

has promised us. And it says

ceived a brand-new bike for

saying them. Somewhere

pursuing them at any cost.

that’s a “great reward.” I don’t

his third birthday. Not a day

along my own journey, I had

goes by that he isn’t riding

picked up the idea that when

that bike in our driveway, in the

things get hard, it’s time to turn

One of the themes of the New

know that if God has something

cul-de-sac across the street,

back. I quickly altered the ver-

Testament is that God expects

good in store for me, I want it.

or even in circles around our

bal course I had begun taking

His people to behave differ-

Even if the going gets tough or

living room.

with my son.

ently than they did in the days

I find myself straining at the pedals on an uphill climb.

And that’s where Jesus comes in.

know everything those words might encompass, but I do

The other day, I was walk-

“But you can do hard things,

before Christ arrived. Sure,

ing beside him as he rode his

can’t you, buddy.” It was more

there will be times when we

I can do hard things because

bike down the sidewalk in our

an affirmation than a question.

lose heart. We will certainly

my Father’s hand is resting

neighborhood. We approached

“Yeah,” he responded. “I can

fail. But despite our short-

gently on my back and His

a steep uphill climb, and his lit-

comings, we are commanded

voice speaks tenderly over

tle legs began straining at the

I gently placed the palm of

time and again not to give up.

me, “You’re doing good, son.

pedals as he tried to keep his

my hand against his back as

Consider just a few examples

Keep going.” He is speaking

bicycle moving forward.

he redoubled his efforts to get

from Scripture:

those words over you too. So

“Okay, buddy,” I said. “Let’s

do hard things.”

himself up the hill. I offered

“Let’s not get tired of doing

keep pedaling. Keep pushing.

encouragement as he dutifully

what is good. At just the right

There is quite a view up ahead.

“Why, Daddy?” he protested.

pushed on the pedals. “You’re

time we will reap a harvest of

You won’t want to miss it.

“Because it’s hard,” I said.

doing good, son. Keep going.”

head back.”

And then I stopped. As soon as the words were

Issue 03 / 2019

Before long we arrived at the top of the hill—a place we affec-

CHRIS OGDEN is the campus pastor for Horizon West, a church plant of First Baptist Orlando. Chris, his wife, Nikki, and their three kids are a family on mission for God. Visit horizonwestchurch.com to learn more.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

FROM THE FATHER

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” –Matthew 11:28 NIV

Do you need rest today? Peace? Freedom? Forgiveness? Restoration? Call out to Jesus, accept Him as your Savior, and you can be made whole. Pray: “Jesus, I invite You into my life. I confess that I am a sinner in need of a Savior. Thank You for saving me from my sins and making me whole. Thank You for laying down Your life for me so that I can have a new life in You. I receive, by faith, this forgiveness of sin. Take my life, my past and my future. Guide my steps and speak to my heart, Lord. Use me, God. Amen.” Jared Emerson, Artist, jaredemerson.com

You Are a Champion DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE MY

Well, I know you, and I love you, even

chosen warrior. It took him a moment to

mighty hero? My champion? My trophy of

now. Lay aside the lies and accept the

receive that new identity, but finally he

grace? You are. The world tells you that you

truth. You are everything to Me. You are

accepted it and took his rightful place. And

are different and useless. It makes you feel

My child. Step into that identity. I’m wait-

I used him greatly.

that you are not enough and have nothing

ing for you. I’m ready to use your life in

to give. But I have the last say.

incredible ways.

I’m ready to use you. Come out of hiding. Lay aside your pain, rejection, and

When I look at you, I see My masterpiece.

Look at how I used my servant, Gideon

disappointment. Receive My love. I want

My chosen vessel. My child, whom I love. I

(Judges 6). Gideon and his peers thought

you. Come to Me now in the midst of your

see the real you. The one who longs to be

he was the least of the least. But I saw him

loneliness, questions, and humiliation,

known and loved for who you are.

for who he really was…a hero. A leader. My

and see what I can do through your life.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

Issue 03 / 2019

HELP ME UNDERSTAND

Dear Victorious Living,

have told me to just “get over it” and

Several months ago, something happened that broke my heart, and now I can’t seem to get over it. I’m starting to feel guilty about being so sad. I know I should be counting the many blessings I have, but I just can’t find it in me. Please help me understand how to move past my pain. I feel so distant from everyone, including God. —Janice

move on. One morning, I cried out to God, “Father, please forgive my sorrow, but my heart is broken!” And just as if He were sitting next to me, I heard Him say, “So is mine. I loved her too.” God loves the things that are dear to me. His heart breaks over what breaks mine. But that’s why Jesus came to this earth and died on the cross. Isaiah 61:1 says He came to heal the brokenhearted and to set the captives free. Psalm 51:17 tells us, “The sacrifices

When Your Heart Is Broken Dear Janice, I know exactly how you feel. I, too,

of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart—these, O God, You will not despise” (NKJV). This verse helped me realize it was okay to bring my grief to God. Knowing that lifted the guilt and let God’s love rush in. God wasn’t angry with me because of my broken heart.

suffered recently. In

He’s not angry

have a broken heart. It hurts so bad

August 2017, I lost a

with you either.

sometimes that I don’t even want to get

relationship. I loved a

out of bed. So I lay there until my con-

woman and believed

be thankful and

victing thoughts force me to get up and

she loved me, but it

count our bless-

start my day. I’m getting older, too, and

was not to be. Then,

ings. I’m learn-

that’s not as easy as it used to be.

in July 2018, I lost

ing to be thankful

my job as pastor. I

more often, and

In my brokenness, I’ve been low on

Yes, we should

motivation. I’ve stopped exercising both

did not fit into their

I’m finding that

my physical and spiritual man. Like you,

plans to start an

when I am, the

I just haven’t had it in me. What makes

internet church, so

weight of my grief

it hard is that I’m a minister and a mu-

I resigned. It was

lifts. God wants us

sician. I’ve still been ministering, going

difficult to say the

to be “thankful in

into prisons and encouraging others

least. And then, I

all circumstanc-

with my music, but inside, I’ve felt like I

lost Savvy.

was dying. A broken heart does that. Last November, I lost my best friend

es,” good and bad

Relationships,

(1 Thessalonians

jobs, pets—these are things we

5:18), because we

to cancer. My little canine companion,

value deeply in this world. They give us

know “God causes everything to work

Savvy, had a large mass on her abdomen

comfort, security, and love. And I have

together for the good of those who love

and was bleeding internally. I had to

lost them all. Many times over.

God” (Romans 8:28).

have her put to sleep. And when I did,

Though filled with self-pity and

Moving forward isn’t always easy, but

it seemed I also put my heart to sleep.

sorrow, I continued my prison ministry.

focusing on what we have—God, His

I haven’t felt much more than sorrow

And God continued to bless me in every

love, and His blessings—instead of on

since that day. I miss her terribly.

way in spite of it. But because of my

what we’ve lost will keep us moving for-

losses, I didn’t feel gratitude. My spirit

ward, even when our hearts are broken.

More than anything else, I miss the unconditional love Savvy gave me. I

was wounded. Proverbs 18:14 says, “The

don’t believe humans have the capacity

human spirit can endure a sick body,

Sincerely,

to love without conditions. At least, not

but who can bear a crushed spirit?”

Kenny Munds

this human. When you lose that love,

I desperately needed to feel God’s

whether from a pet or a person, you

love. It sounds like you do too. I have

know what it means to be heartbroken.

even felt He would be mad at me for

But Savvy isn’t the only loss I’ve

Issue 03 / 2019

wallowing in my sorrow. Certain people

KENNY MUNDS takes the good news of God’s love and forgiveness into prisons across America. To learn more about his ministry, go to kennymundsministry.org.

V I C T O R I O U S L I V IN G M AG A Z INE .C O M

I am currently serving a life sentence, and I am in solitary confinement for the next three years. Everything just seemed hopelessâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;until I read your magazine. After I finished the inspirational articles, I prayed to God and asked Him to restore the joy in my life. Now I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Thank you for showing up on time! â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Dominic P. Florida State Prison

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