Feature Story: Gillian Prior

My name is Gillian which means ‘Youthful’. One thing the enemy tried to do in my life is to steal my youth and rob me of every blessing God has in store for me. In John 10:10 it says, “The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy”. The enemy tried to take my life from birth. I was one of a twin, born two and a half month’s early, weighing a fragile 0.8 kg. It took doctors three days to get my lungs working properly, where after I was in an incubator for two and a half months until I had the weight of a normal baby. Don’t you love it when the schemes and plans of the enemy fail?

I was born into a wonderful family with an incredibly strong and compassionate mother, along with three biological siblings and one adopted girl. I am unable to pin point a specific time when the enemy came in and lied to me about who I am, but I remember feeling shy and inadequate most of my childhood and definitely throughout my adolescent years. It always felt to me like something was missing, I just didn’t know what it was.

I lost my biological father Steve just before my second birthday. What I know about his death is that he was murdered and that the case is still open. Since I was a little girl I’ve had an immense longing to be with my father. After I matriculated the desire to be with him escalated so much that I attempted suicide, in my ignorance thinking that if I kill myself I can go and be with him. I couldn’t accept not being able to be daddy’s little girl or not having my father around to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.

Thankfully, God was so kind to me that my suicide attempt was unsuccessful. Instead, I ended up in a psychiatric ward on suicide watch, still in search of the missing piece. The longing for my father has now turned into a healthy emotion instead of a destructive one. I know that even if my dad was alive he wouldn’t be able to fulfil all my needs as God does.

Whether by choice or not, I’ve experienced people I loved leave which over time caused me to subconsciously put up a wall as a defence mechanism to keep people at a distance. A couple years after my father passed away my mother got remarried to my stepdad. Werner and my mother had a daughter together by the name of Lara. She was a gorgeous blue-eyed little girl with curly blonde hair who drowned in our swimming pool on New Year’s Day. I can’t put into words the shock and tremendous pain that we all went through. I blamed myself for my sister’s passing and I carried that burden and guilt for many years because Lara and I were always together, attached at the hip. Sharing how I truly felt with my grandmother later in life brought some relief but I hadn’t reached a place where I had forgiven myself. We can only experience true freedom through forgiveness.

Werner, was a good man who kind of lost his way after Lara passed away and him and my mother got divorced. Coming to terms with my father Steve and Lara’s death was incredibly difficult for the mere reason that I didn’t have a clear understanding of what Heaven is. After I received the revelation it was possible for me to make peace with their passing. However, it didn’t nullify the grief process and agony of coming to a place of acceptance knowing they are no longer with me.

After Lara passed away my mother sent me to go and see a psychologist. The psychologist told me that I’ll make a brilliant psychologist one day because I had all the supposedly ‘right’ answers enabling me to keep the conversation very superficial as I was too scared of going deeper to where the pain was. By the time I was twenty-three years old I hadn’t dealt with most of the things that had happened in my life. Looking back now, I can only thank God for being so patient with me. I’ve never denied God’s existence but I was angry at Him for many years because I had the question that many people do. ‘If God is so big and almighty, why doesn’t He prevent painful situations from occurring?

Some time after Lara passed away my mother got addicted to prescription medication. I longed for a parental figure or even a close friend who could just be with me. However, I never let anyone into what was happening in my life. At the age of twelve, I started watching pornography, smoking cannabis and drinking alcohol. I didn’t get addicted but I continued this on and off over the years as it was a form of escapism. At age sixteen I left my mom’s house and moved back to Cape Town where I was born and attended boarding school for the last three years of High School.

I loved those three years of school as I was around friends and could just be a child. I loved the structure that came with going to boarding school. I completely thrived! It says in Psalm 16:6 that, “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places”. Boundaries still make me feel safe and secure and show me that you love and care for me enough to put them in place.

One honest statement that I can make about myself whilst growing up was that I tended to be an extremist. I either went all in or I didn’t go at all. This was very evident in my addiction which spiralled out of control at the age of eighteen. The plan after matriculation was for me to go and study at University, however, my dream abruptly came to an end and my best friend, my twin sister, was on her way to family in England for a Gap Year. I didn’t handle my twin sister leaving well, to me, it felt like I had lost her completely. It was the worst feeling, something that can’t be described. I didn’t realize how dependent I was on her until we separated.

BY THE TIME I WAS TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD, I HADN’T DEALT WITH MOST OF THE THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED IN MY LIFE. LOOKING BACK NOW, I CAN ONLY THANK GOD FOR BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME.

At that point, I began drinking and smoking cannabis heavily to the extent where I would blackout regularly. I left my mother’s house and moved back to Cape Town where everything spiralled out of control at an accelerated rate. I met a taxi driver who offered me crack cocaine and because I was in such a state of depression and hopelessness, I accepted the drugs and smoked crack for the first time, getting hooked instantly. Growing up I promised myself I’d never end up in addiction as my mother had, yet there I was going down the same path.

Within three weeks I was using crack every day. I soon got kicked out of my Aunt’s house because the drug dealers came to my Aunt’s house, making it dangerous for my Aunt and cousin who was a young boy still in Primary School. I then moved into my grandparents place and when the cravings got too bad and a man from my addiction contacted me, I ran away with him and moved into a crack house in Woodstock. I believed the lie that I was born to be a drug addict which fuelled my rebellion and I went all out. I couldn’t work and keep a normal job because working meant I wasn’t able to use every minute of every day which wasn’t an option for me. I fell into prostitution to support my drug habit. The life that I was living only made me use even more because of all the shame and guilt that came with the selfish choices I made. Later on, receiving healing in the area of prostitution was exceptionally difficult for me.

I met my ex-boyfriend in the first rehab that I went to in Cape Town and together we both fell back into addiction, this time getting hooked onto crystal meth. The realization that I was selling my body for drugs was a real low point for me in my addiction. I have been in three rehabs, two of which I got kicked out of and the third one finishing successfully.

While reminiscing on all that God has done in my life I’m completely blown away and humbled by what He has saved me from and into. There were numerous times in my addiction when I cried out to God when everything seemed too much. I wanted so badly to be out of that life but I didn’t want to go back to the life I had before I started using because I knew something was missing from that life as well. It was a catch twenty two situation and I felt completely trapped. Often when I was ‘coming down’ and didn’t have any drugs I would have these type of conversations with God, not knowing that He would be the one who would give my life meaning.

I’m thankful that even in my confusion and with my ample questions, God has continually been kind, loving, and patient. I hardened my heart towards God but He never hardened His heart towards me. Instead, He was always there, ready to listen when I was ready to speak, even if my speaking at times came out as shouting or moaning. When I wasn’t able to express how I was feeling He still knew exactly what was going on in my heart and His desire remained for me to reach a place of wholeness in Him.

I have since had to go back and work through the traumatic experiences that happened in my life. There is so much freedom in facing our “stuff” head on than choosing to pretend like it doesn’t exist or it didn’t happen. God promises that there is a purpose in all pain. We must press on each day knowing that our God loves us and wants to use the hurt and pain we have experienced to bring Him glory. It says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.

Whilst signing on to do a second year in the third rehab I attended, I served and counselled the residents. God had done such a massive work in my heart and I had personally experienced that nothing is impossible for God and as a result I desired for all recovering addicts to experience the same freedom. Today, I stand on the scripture Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that all things work together for good of those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”. We can’t run away from God no matter how hard we try! The beauty is that if we truly know who God is and how much He loves us, why would we ever want to? I reached a point where I accepted that no one can change my life for me, I have to take responsibility and choose to change.

I’ve been running from facing life and all that comes with it my entire life… At the age of twentyone I surrendered and gave my life to God who miraculously brought me out of drug psychosis. I describe that moment as my “HOMECOMING”. It was the moment where I simply let go. It was the moment where dance and song broke out in my chest and I was completely wrecked by the love of the Father. My heart of stone became a crying mess as I encountered the love that the Father has for me for the first time. It was as if I could breathe easily, without restraint for the first time. All the effort I put into keeping myself together all the years completely fell apart in God’s holy presence. I remember the feeling of ease and comfort that came over me. I experienced liberation and freedom for the first time. The more I encounter the love of the Father the more I long to encounter. “The closer you get to the truth, the clearer becomes the beauty, and the more you will find worship welling up within you” – N.T. Wright.

God has been so gracious to me throughout everything by sending incredible people across my path, opening up doors for me where I can learn more about myself and who He has created me to be, learn more about who He is and serve others in the process. We serve a God who sees the WHOLE picture. He is a 360’ God who is in the business of complete healing, restoration and freedom. To me, freedom used to look like a crack pipe where it now looks like bowing my knee. No one ever had to teach me to fight, it almost came naturally as I was fighting for my life since day one. God has had to teach me to sit down and take a deep breath. It is liberating not having to take everything upon myself or having to come up with solutions to every problem. There is one solution and His name is Jesus. He truly is the name that is above every other name. I have been renewed by the grace of God, and am now devoted to bring God glory. I feel so grateful to know the truth and extremely blessed to be able to say with confidence that the TRUTH has indeed set me free!

Today I am abundantly satisfied by His lovingkindness towards me.

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Gillian lives in Jeffreys Bay South Africa. After completing Victory Gap year last year she is now an intern in pastoral care at Victory Church.