Nelleke Bester

After being married for two years, we wanted to start a family of our own. We were very excited, and to be honest, I expected to fall pregnant quickly. Both Willie and I are from big families, so we hadnít even considered that our plan for a family wouldn’t proceed as anticipated. Little did we know that the journey would be a lot different than what we expected.

I don’t want to focus too much on the medical details. So, in short, after having some tests done the doctor told us that there was no way we could have a baby naturally. There were just too many complications with both of us. The only options we had were insemination or IVF.

We went for insemination, not caring that we used money we didn’t have. We wanted to have our own family so badly that we would do whatever it took.

We tried twice, and neither time worked. We were in debt. All the hormones severely affected my body. I couldn’t sleep for more than two hours a night for months. I got terrible headaches. I was frustrated and emotional. I felt responsible for the debt we felt we were drowning in, and the situation seemed totally hopeless. It was a real internal wrestle. We had no choice but to stop insemination for a while.

What a transforming couple of months for me! For possibly the first time in my life, I had to face what I really believed about God. About who He is, and what He does.

My biggest struggle in this time wasn’t just with God, but also with my heart towards people. To be clear: We are so incredibly blessed with having a community around us that support us, encourage us, love us, put things in perspective, let us cry, make us laugh again and so much more. Even though there are times when you might want to crawl up into a ball and feel sorry for yourself (and there are appropriate times to do that), I really believe we need to allow certain people in our lives to walk our journeys with. We cannot do it by ourselves, and I don’t believe God intended for live to be journeyed alone. I don’t always think I ‘need’ people around me to help me process through the battle, and fight with and for me, but it has proven to me time and time again that I do need people! I am always blessed by it.

Unfortunately, there is another side to sharing your struggles with others. As much as people mean well, they don’t always say the things that will help you. I remember telling Willie, if anyone tells me one more time that God’s timing is perfect, or that everything happens for a reason, I am going to lose it. Although what people say might be true, it is not always helpful or encouraging, and not

31even God for that person. I had to go to God and ask Him what He said about the situation. Even though God’s timing is perfect, there are some things which have no time. Sometimes people do not get their biggest heart’s desires, or their prayers answered. He is the only Prince of Peace, and from experience, I know that only God can settle truth so deeply in your heart that it will give you peace beyond understanding. He really is more than enough. So, I had to contend for that, stand on that, and let certain things go.

The journey of hearing God’s perspective on this changed my life and has defined the way I live. God gave me a promise through a scripture in Job where it says: “I had only heard about you but now I have seen you with my own eyes.” That is, and was really, honestly my deepest heart’s desire. Real peace, a real deep relationship with God and being 100% convinced that He is good. God started speaking to us about His character, that you don’t trust in Him for what He can give or do, because the truth is: He doesn’t owe us anything. Even to accept the worst possibility as a possibility, and still believe that He is good, accepting that we might never see His goodness. He kept on telling me: “I am good, I am good, I am good”. If that was the only thing I got from this journey, it would have been so worth it. God’s goodness settled so deeply in my heart that no one can convince me otherwise.

God never told me that I would have children, so I didn’t have that promise to hold on to. He never told me that He wanted to teach me a life lesson, and once I had learnt it, I would get my breakthrough. He never promised that I would get all my heart’s desires. None of that. All He said was, “I AM GOOD!”

While I didn’t feel or see it, I had to contend for that truth. To not let it be stolen, and not confuse facts with truth. There were times that I worshipped and screamed that He is good so loudly that I couldn’t hear anything else but those words. Other times I needed to just be quiet and just be with Him. To let Him hold and comfort me, not to learn from Him or get answers, but to just be. I am Dutch, I want to do, so just being was something I had to learn. Sometimes I needed to choose to see the challenges of others, instead of just my own struggles, and to pray for, help, encourage, and love them. Whatever little I could do, I tried to do. At times I just needed to go out with my friends and laugh. Nothing spiritual at all, but so spiritual at the same time.

I’m so thankful that God is so faithful, and so solid. He is the only truth we can build our lives on, and it is so worth it! It has rooted so deeply in my heart that nothing can ever convince me otherwise. It might seem small to some, but it is the best thing for me. I don’t have all the answers,

I don’t know why things happen or don’t happen, I feel for people that struggle to have children or don’t get those big heart desires. When it says in the Bible that God will turn all things around for those who love Him, it doesn’t mean He will give you whatever you want if you love Him. I believe it means that He wants to do something deeper than what we can comprehend to be ‘good’. The circumstance might not have changed, yet everything has changed. New perspective, new peace, new revelation, and God turned what the enemy tried to steal around for His glory.

On returning from our annual Zambia outreach with VGY in 2016 we got the best surprise: I was pregnant! No medical intervention! I will never forget the moment, I literally laughed and cried for three hours straight. In April 2017 our amazing son Miles Jacob (meaning Gracious Warrior) was born. I am so thankful, from the bottom of my heart, that God gave Him to us.

Then, on top of that, eight months later we found out we were pregnant again. Our daughter, Ivy Senna (meaning faithful, ever-green), was born September 2018. I am so thankful to God that He gave us our children, and that He made the impossible possible. I am just as thankful for what He did in my heart before that, thankful for our wrestle and that He ‘allowed’ me to wrestle with Him.

My breakthrough was finding Him. Knowing that He is good regardless of what He gives. Knowing, without a doubt, that His character is good, and that He is faithful and immovable even if my circumstances look like a hurricane.

I pray for women who still long for a baby, whose hearts are sore and hurt. I pray that God will do beyond what you can imagine.

I also pray that my story will inspire people to not just trust for outcomes, but to trust in Him. To seek His heart and wrestle until you find peace in Him. I trust that it will encourage you to find people around you who can be there for you, that allow you to not be okay, to cry, scream, celebrate every victory, pull you back up, and encourage you to push through.

The wrestle can be tough, but just because it is not easy does not mean it is not beautiful. If you wrestle with Him, not against Him, then it is the best thing you can ever do. He is a safe place and He is on your team. He wants better for you then you can even want for yourself.

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Nelleke and her husband Willie oversee Victory Gap Year in Jeffreys Bay, South Africa. She is also part of the ever growing Moms and Tots community at Victory Church.