THIRTY ONE: Issue 20

© T his publication is produced by Victory Media for me2 Mentoring Jeffreys Bay. All articles are written by members of Victory Church unless otherwise stated. T his magazine is not for sale. For further information on any of the articles, do not hesitate to email us at me2@victorychurch.org.za // Issue 20 - December 2022 me2mentoring.com // victorychurch.org.za

powernote from e dna

Photography: Ruth Pasques

Hi there friends

Here we are at the end of 2022!

Looking back we realize that through the years God has faithfully graced us to hear His voice in preparation for the time ahead.

What a comfort that if we know what God is saying we can prepare our hearts and cultivate the right mindset and response.“If people can’t see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed. “Proverbs 29:18 MSG

When we heard prophetically that 2022 is the year of Recover and Restore All, it filled our hearts with hope! And what a year it has been, but not without unforeseen challenges in many areas! We’ve been BLESSED, but for many of us, it’s been a time of warfare in the areas of health, finances and of course, relationships! Disclaimer: But what the enemy intends for evil God turns around for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. (Yes, that’s you and me!)

When we felt as if Recover and Restore were little more than an elusive dream, He came to Rescue us!

Yes, Not only did He come to our Rescue more than 2000 years ago to deal with sin, sickness and disease on our behalf, but He still Rescues us when He hears our cries for “Help!”

We are all at different stages of constructing our Recover and Restore testimonies, you may be standing on the summit of the mountain you’ve been graced to climb this year or you may feel as if you’ve made little or no progress.

Wherever you find yourself, may I encourage

you to REFLECT to see how far you’ve come, or to turn back to lend a helping hand or speak an encouraging word to someone who has lost the courage to move forward.

In doing so may we raise our voices in gratitude to say THANK YOU to THE ONE who has been our constant companion, counsellor and comforter on this journey.

My friend the testimonies (meaning *God can do it again) you are holding in your hands is just some of the evidence of the goodness and kindness of God that leads us to *repentance (Greek meaning Metanoia: a change of mind)

“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to *repentance?”

Romans 2:4 NASBS

He is our marvelous God! Let’s CELEBRATE our WINS both BIG and SMALL and REMEMBER HIS MARVELOUS: Amazing / Astounding / Astonishing / Awesome Extraordinary / Excellent Works!

“

Oh give thanks to the LORD, call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples Sing to Him, sing praises to Him; Speak of all His wonders. Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the LORD be glad. Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually. Remember His wonders which He has done, His marvels and the judgments uttered by His mouth.” Psalm 105:1-5 NASBS

Let’s remind one another and remember how far we’ve come... edna

t H e G od of m Y B att L e

HANLIE NEL

WHEN MY FRIEND, KATRINA, ASKED ME IF I would write a testimony of our Covid ordeal, I immediately thought, so many people went through a much tougher ordeal than us… So many people lost loved ones, who am I to write about our story, which has a happy ending, when so many suffered so badly? I prayed and God confirmed in my heart that He wants us to tell our story, because ultimately, our testimony is not about us, but about HIM and His faithfulness, His grace, His love for us, His goodness, His perfect timing, and the battles that He fights on our behalf.

We live on a farm in the Somerset East district and my husband, Willem, is a horseman, a lover of dogs and a passionate farmer, who loves the land and loves what he does every day. Willem has a very strong personality, we have been married for 25 years and he is the love of my life and our three children’s hero.

During the Somerset East Agricultural show in 2020, Willem competed on his horse, “Fear Not”, and although he enjoyed the show, he was not feeling well. The Sunday morning after the show, was a busy day, so when he slept most of the afternoon, I thought nothing of it; just assumed that he was tired after all the activity. The Monday morning, Willem stayed in bed, not feeling well, so I went on my usual 6km walk with our 5 dogs. I did not feel great myself and could feel the start of a migraine, I lay down in the spare room, not realising that we were both sick with Covid.

Our neighbour is a doctor at the local hospital and on the 25th of Nov 2020, I sent her a WhatsApp message, saying that Willem had bad cold symptoms, earache, headache, body

pains and his sense of smell was gone. She said the chances were 90% that he had Covid and she prescribed meds that arrived from town via another neighbour, which we started taking. Dr stressed that if he experienced any shortness of breath, he should come to the hospital for oxygen. Willem just stayed in bed, asleep most of the time and I spent most of my time asleep in the spare room, not realising the seriousness of the situation.

Willem tested positive for Covid on the 29th of Nov 2020. That came as no surprise, and we just carried on with the medication he had, but he did not get any better. I started to worry and on the 1st of Dec 2020, Dr suggested that I bring him to the local hospital for x-rays of his lungs. I packed him a hospital bag and off we went. Willem’s lungs were completely white on the x-ray and his oxygen levels were in the low 70’s (which is very low). He was put on oxygen immediately and Dr phoned the hospitals in PE (the closest city with better facilities), but no beds were available, so he was admitted to the hospital in Somerset East. I said goodbye and went home, saying that I would bring him some home cooked food the next day… not knowing what lay ahead. A bed became available in PE, so Willem was taken there in an ambulance. When I phoned the hospital at about 8 ‘o clock that evening, they knew nothing about him and I started to worry. Got a message at 21h38, saying that the ambulance had arrived, but there were no beds available, so he spent the night in the ambulance, on oxygen, in front of the hospital, waiting to be admitted. Eventually he was admitted, but by then his phone was flat so I had to rely on communication from the doctor. By lunchtime I received a message that Willem

was in ICU, on CPAP oxygen, with a photo of him lying in a hospital bed with a thumbs up. Later, the sister on duty let me speak to him on her phone, held the phone to his ear and I could say a couple of words, all he managed to get out were “Ek byt vas”. (I’m hanging in here.)

I phoned the hospital every morning, before the night staff went off duty and every morning I got the same answer, “He is not getting worse”.

They would give me statistics of his oxygen levels and other medical information that I did not really understand, but all in all, the message was the same “He is not getting worse”, but he was also not getting any better. He was lying on his tummy as this makes breathing easier, he had double Covid Pneumonia, was in ICU, I could not talk to him, all I could do was PRAY.

The morning of the 2nd of December, I read from Romans 8. The verse that stood out to me was verse 11: “Yes, God raised Jesus to life! And since God’s Spirit of Resurrection lives in you, He will also raise your dying body to life by the same Spirit that breathes life into you!” (The Passion translation) Immediately a sense of peace came over me, as I realised that this was a promise from God and I KNEW that Willem was not going to die in that hospital, because God gave me this promise. I could not get enough of God’s Word and spent most of my free time reading the Bible and praying. I was still very sick, also tested positive for Covid and tried to isolate as much as possible from the children, who miraculously all tested negative. Most nights, I would listen to Gospel music throughout the night, praying, worshipping and begging God to send His angels to surround Willem’s hospital bed. Every time I phoned the hospital,

I would get the same answer, “He is not getting worse”.

Our good friends, Hendrik and Noeleen, came every single day to help and check up on us. Another friend phoned every day and would not hang up until she heard me laugh. During this time, we were also digging a hole for a swimming pool that we were putting in. Some neighbours thought I was losing it, as they did not realise that Willem knew about the pool, they thought I was doing it behind his back while he was in ICU, fighting for his life! That hole gave me something to do, as we had to get through a solid rock bed to sink the pool. We eventually made a huge fire on the rocks to crack them, and this seemed to help me.

Early every morning, I updated my WhatsApp status so that people who cared could be informed about Willem’s progress, or lack thereof. The response was overwhelming and I began to realise how many people were praying for us. I have never felt closer to God than during this time. At times I did not even know what to pray, but Romans 8:26 would encourage me and I knew I was not alone, the Holy Spirit was pleading on my behalf.

One evening, after supper, the children and I were sitting at the kitchen counter, and I read to them from Ephesians 6. It was summer and extremely dry on the farm, Willem was lying in ICU, I was sick, but I had to keep the farm running and the business afloat. The stress was enormous, our overdraft limit was exceeded and all I could do was pray and hope that the wool cheque would be deposited into the bank account very soon. I read to the children about

spiritual warfare and the armour of God. After I’d read from the Passion Translation, I wanted to repeat it from my Afrikaans Bible, to stress to the importance of what we had just read. At that moment we heard a loud clap of thunder, which gave us all a fright and the next thing it was pouring with rain. I felt God was saying, “Don’t worry, I am in control, and my timing is PERFECT in everything, even the rain. I will look after you.”

We were so excited about the rain and about God’s goodness and I knew that everything would be all right. I just had to learn to be patient. By nature, I am a very impatient person, always in a hurry, I even walk too fast. Here, God was making me wait for His timing and I soon realised that His timing was far better than mine.

I was totally dependent on God and He taught me so much during this time that Willem was away in hospital. Psalm 34:17-18 (TPT): “Yet when holy lovers of God cry out to Him with all their hearts, the Lord will hear them and come to rescue them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to all those whose hearts are crushed by pain, and He is always ready to restore the repentant one.” The whole ordeal gave me understanding and empathy for others that were hurting.

As time went on I was getting impatient; Willem was still in ICU and I had to learn to trust God’s timing completely. God’s word and His Holy Spirit comforted me in a way I have not experienced before. All I could do was to totally surrender and wait upon Him.

Finally, on the 14th of December, Willem was moved out of ICU to the High Care ward, he was slowly improving. I was rejoicing. Each small victory had to be celebrated and I could not hide my excitement. ICU consisted of 2 blocks of 16 glass units each, so there were 32 beds in ICU. Willem later told me that some nights, 10 people died and that he was the ONLY one during that time that came out of ICU into high care. One morning, the patient next to Willem, asked him if he also saw the men that walked around their beds all night. Willem said that he had not seen them, but later learnt that I prayed for angels to surround his bed and he realised what the man had seen…….

Christmas was fast approaching and farming was hot, dry and very busy. I was still learning to be patient. Willem and I were finally able to send WhatsApp messages and it was so good to be able to communicate with him again. He was still too weak to have a long conversation and I soon realised that the cell phone was exhausting him, as he now tried to run his business from high care on it. I was getting things ready for him to come home, as Julie (the neighbouring doctor) prepared me that he might need oxygen, an oximeter, a wheelchair, bed pan, bottle and so forth…

Finally, on the 24th of December, I got the green light to go and fetch Willem from Green Acres Hospital. I was going to fetch my biggest Christmas present ever. I was not prepared to see this frail, old, grey man with the long beard, being pushed out of hospital in a wheelchair. The oxygen canister was on his lap, and he was clinging to it for dear life. His legs were thin, untanned, his nails were long, and he just did not

is is on LY a sma LL part of our storY , a c H apter at most, B ut God H as B een wit H us since t H e verY B e G innin G ...

look like my strong, fit, tanned cowboy husband. He could not walk, could hardly talk, looked too sick to be coming home, yet, here he was, signed out of hospital and ready to come home.

He was so happy just to see the veld on our way home. He hardly spoke; he had no breath and got tired quickly. I had no medical training and have never been a very patient caretaker, but I knew, I had to do this. He was much weaker than I expected. I was shocked to see him like this, but at the same time I was just SO grateful to have him back, we were all extremely grateful to be together as a family at Christmas.

Willem recovered SLOWLY and after about a month he was able to get off the “stoep” (patio) and take short walks in the yard. Close friends and neighbours came to see him and although they could never stay for long because he tired so quickly, it lifted his spirits and helped him stay positive.

For many years, I have been praying for Willem.

He is still my cowboy husband with the strong personality, but there is gentleness in him that was not there before he became sick, we are closer than ever in our marriage and his relationship with our children has grown a lot. Although he still faces relational challenges, the wounds are healing, and he has made Jesus King of his heart and a priority in his life. Covid came at the right time for us as a family. Glory to God, for He is good.

This is only a small part of our story, a chapter at most, but God has been with us since the very beginning and although the enemy wanted to steal, kill and destroy our family unit in various ways, God has been faithful and has given us a new start and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Hanlie is married to Willem Nel and they have 3 children. They farm in the Somerset- East district and both Hanlie and Willem’s families have been part of the community in Somerset East for generations. Hanlie has loved being part of a mentoring group the past year and the support and intentional friendship has been priceless.

tH

FORGIVENESS TO FREEDOM

EPHESIANS 4 V 32 – BUT INSTEAD BE KIND AND affectionate toward one another. Has God graciously forgiven you? Then graciously forgive one another in the depths of Christ’s love. Having had many challenges in my life –when friends ask me, “How are you doing?” I make a joke and answer with “Do you want the episode or the series?”

I am Noeleen Putter, married to Hendrik. We have two adult children Dianne and Graham, both married to our “other“ children and we have six grandchildren ranging from 3-14 years. I will share this episode of my life: Forgiving wasn’t something that I felt forced to do, it was compassion and love that moved me, to want to forgive…I could never explain it; it didn’t make sense. My dad was always my hero- we windsurfed, played squash, did horse riding together and were generally very close. He was a well-known dairy farmer in the Plettenberg Bay area, my mom was a regional nurse. This was August 1985. I was engaged to get married and living in Graaff-Reinet. One afternoon after work there was phone call to say, “Your Dad has been shot, you need to get home.” It felt unreal. This was something you read about other people in the newspapers, not something that would happen to us. Hendrik took me to Plett and I kept wondering WHY weren’t we going to George - which has a big hospital? … My brother had drowned in his bath at the age of 6 and I knew this scenario. When we were about an hour from Plett, I stopped crying and said, “My dad will make it, he is a survivor.” When we stopped at the farm all the cars told a different story… I knew something wasn’t right, a school friend

of my dad’s came to the car and as I got out, I looked at Hendrik, all he could say was, “Sorry I couldn’t tell you.” My dad had, had an affair with a good friend of theirs, the husband had driven out to our farm, shot my dad and he had died. This man was not a mean person, but his life had been shattered… He had handed himself over to the police and was in custody. I wanted to see him, I needed to see him. Why? Because something in me felt so sorry for him, it wasn’t normal, but SUPERNATURAL and it could only be a GOD OF LOVE that moved me.

No one was happy about my decision, but I was determined. I found out if he would see me and whether I was allowed to see him. As I walked in, he was sitting with his head in his hands. When he looked up at me, I could see that he had gotten old overnight. He asked me to sit with him as I was the daughter he’d never had; they had baby sat me as a little girl and I knew him like family. We cried and he was hurting for my mom and I, and felt betrayed by his friend and wife…

We set our wedding date and the Tuesday after our wedding the court case started. He had an excellent advocate and didn’t get a jail sentence and the death sentence was still in. Every time we went to visit my mom, I made an effort to see him, it made me feel close to my dad. However, the rest of my family just couldn’t forgive and to this day carry bitterness and resentment in their hearts. I have seen what it has done to them, the bondage they live under, trauma that has caused negative thought patterns and so on…But my journey has been different, and I am so grateful.

Years after the incident we moved back to Plett

Years after the incident we moved back to Plett and I had the urgency to tell him that I had forgiven him. I was sure he knew but wanted to make sure he heard it. I walked up to him and said,” I want you to know that I have forgiven you and love you.” He looked at me with eyes full of tears, gave me a hug and said, “That is all I ever needed to hear!” Several years later he died of a heart attack I was so relieved that I had listened to my heart and had that conversation. This revelation of love and forgiveness was a major turning point in my life at the age of 22 and that is the Rock my life is based on.

Thirty seven years later in March 2022, I got a call from the lady who had the affair with my dad. She wanted to know if I would see her, she and her husband had gotten divorced shortly after the court case in 1986. I had never seen her again. I was so happy, as I walked up to her, she held her chest and emotionally said how nervous she felt. I reassured her that I was the same little girl that grew up in her home.

We spent four hours chatting and updating each other on our lives. She asked for forgiveness and I could honestly say, “I forgave you a long time ago.” No one will ever convince me otherwise: Psalm 92 in the Passion translation says, Its ALL about our relationship with Him that the goodness of God flows from that intimacy for His Glory!

It’s all about our intimate relationship with Him that causes the goodness of God to flow through us for His Glory! Forgiveness released me from a burden of bitterness and anger, which only was possible because of God’s love and mercy in my life!

Noeleen Putter married to Hendrik has 2 children and blessed with 7 grandchildren! She grew up in Plettenberg Bay and now lives between Jansenville and Somerset -East.

feature storY s i B on G i L e nHL ap H o

24 AUGUST 2019, THE CAR WAS FILLED WITH laughter as we were making our way home from a social event. My husband was talking about music as usual and my cousin (who was also my best friend and maid of honour) was listening attentively.

We were waiting at a red traffic light, taking advantage of the time to talk. The traffic light turned green, and my husband approached to turn right. I saw headlights from a distance, but I decided that the car had plenty of time to stop. They were approaching a red light anyway.

In a blink of an eye, the lights were uncomfortably close, I heard my husband sigh and then heard metal crashing into metal. The car shook, my life flashing before my eyes… and all I could think of was God.

On that night, the choices of another person (Not respecting the rules of the road) filtered into my life in a way I could never have imagined. In an instant

I became a widow and a single mom of three beautiful girls. My sister-best friend was gone. My body was broken badly (I had sustained multiple fractures to my ribs and spine). My spirit was crippled.

I went through a whole season of emotions, but the most prominent ones were 1. Anger

I was angry at God. I felt disappointed in Him. How could He let something like this happen to me if He promises me that He has great plans for me? I questioned Him on how any of this would prosper me as Jeremiah 29:11 says. I felt so alone that I refused to pray. I didn’t want to speak to God, although I acknowledged that He was sovereign still, I just felt that He let me down.

i didn’t know tH is at tH e time But LookinG Back, i can see How God pursued me tHrouGHout tHose daYs. How He kept me. How He Gave me Hope and peace.

Because God is indeed a Good fatH er. He pursued me tHrouGH aLL tHose seasons. He made His presence known in a waY tHat onLY i couLd identifY witH.

ANGER

I didn’t know this at the time but looking back, I can see how God pursued me throughout those days. How He kept me. How He gave me hope and peace. My experience is that God always appoints people, the right people, to bring us back to His love.

My manager at the time would phone me while I was in hospital to pray. I often said I couldn’t, then I eventually said that I didn’t want to. She simply said that she would pray each time. It used to annoy me, but she was still my boss, and I didn’t want to be disrespectful so I let her. She always prayed for me to know that God is a good Father and for Father to show Himself through His promises.

I am grateful for those prayers because I can see how God used her to show me that I am never alone.

FEAR

I had always been a vibrant person; I love people and I love life. Looking forward to what would happen next. After the trauma, I found it very difficult to plan for the future. I did not trust tomorrow. I could not trust God. I could not even trust my own body to carry me because of the injuries I sustained. Fear took over from the anger as I tried to navigate how I was going to pick myself up.

During this season, my dad was there. He protected me, he helped me make decisions and he helped me plan and even gave too much advise on how to parent my children. Dad allowed me to lean on him, he didn’t mind a midnight call when I was having a panic attack. He didn’t mind hearing about all my worries, even though it was embarrassing to me at times.

I didn’t know then, but this whole process taught me how to trust in my Heavenly Father again, if my earthly dad could grieve when I did and rejoice when I did… how much more would God? My perspective was changing, and I didn’t even know it.

HOPELESSNESS

Fear led to hopelessness because, no matter how hard I tried to keep myself optimistic and positive, I just couldn’t get over the doom of death. I was afraid to live and that made me feel hopeless. In that time, my aunt literally forced me to go with her to a church called WCC (now HopeHill Church) and I found a new family that embraced me and walked the journey with me.

I also became part of the Worship Band and Me2 Mentoring. The benefits that I gained from being part of that community could only have been because of the favour of God. I found new hope in being around a community that was on fire for God. I started understanding that I was not meant to do this alone.

SURRENDER

Because God is indeed a Good Father. He pursued me through all those seasons. He made His presence known in a way that only I could identify with. This realization came gradually as I learned to surrender. Total surrender… I had to understand that I was not in control. I had to learn that His ways are higher than mine. I needed to trust His process and believe that all His promises are true.

After giving back all the chaos, trauma and emotions to Him, I started seeing Him everywhere! In the mundane things of life and even in the pain. His love took over as He started turning the ashes into

i ceLeBrate daiLY, especiaLLY wH en it Hurts, Because i know wHo mY fatH er is.

beauty. Learning anew all His plans and promises for me.

I love music and I can mention a lot of songs that have reminded me of God’s love during this dark time. There is one song that stands out (Reckless love – Cory Asbury). The whole song speaks to my heart yet the part that mentions how God leaves the 99 to pursue the 1 lost sheep truly touches me.

God has been good to me. Faithful even when I wasn’t. He gave me peace, He gave me a family that supports and loves me, a church community that He ordained. He placed wise friends in my path, His torch guiding my steps each time I moved until He taught me to move with Him and not against Him.

Three years later and I still live with the physical complications of the injuries I sustained, chronic pain being one of them. I stand firm in believing that God continues to use people in my life to fulfil His promises. He continues to be a Father to the orphans; He takes care of the widows. He has great plans for my future. He gives me hope.

I celebrate daily, especially when it hurts, because I know who my Father is.

I am still healing, sharing this testimony has brought a lot to the surface and I believe that this was part of my healing journey as well.

Be encouraged if you’re in the valley – going through a hard time, or trauma. God is with you; He never leaves you. Tell Him how you feel, everything you feel. He is waiting to hear from you, anytime. Call out to Him, He is always there to rescue you.

Bongi is a member of HopeHill church and a parttime volunteer on staff at the church. She has three beautiful little girls and is incredibly passionate about building Gods kingdom. She helps to coordinate ME2 in HopeHill and other ministries too and is very committed to worship and mentoring young ladies. She is very creative, loads of fun and arty… it’s always fun to see what her latest hair colour will be!

Photography: Seenbyabi

BEAUTY IS BEAUTIFUL

HELLO ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL WOMAN OF GOD

It is with absolute joy in my heart that I am writing this. It is my testimony of newly found distinct revelation that I gained from my Father’s heart through the Holy Spirit. The manifestation of King Jesus’ tangible presence, from our time together during The Rising Conference 2022. Looking back, I can see the divine golden thread of God’s goodness in my life to bring me to this point of freedom and I can clearly discern how my life has been woven into a meaningful tapestry. A Masterpiece as Marilyn Read so beautifully described us. Please come along on this journey of the supernatural event that took place in my spirit. My story started 60 years ago, but I will begin this narrative as I experienced it the day after the conference.

It is Monday the 5th of September 2022. I am standing in my dressing room, contemplating the mess I created, throwing out so many clothing items. I have an urgency to get rid of the things that I do not need. It is taking so much space in my closet and has no purpose to me any longer. When I look at it, it drags me down and a feeling of despair smothers me. It is a reminder of times gone by. It epitomizes old hurts, disappointments and wasted time, and I feel depleted and consumed just by looking at it, as if these lifeless items have real life quality in them. I realise they are symbols of thought patterns and strongholds which I kept in my heart. Symbols of torment and bondage. I could not add new, beautiful items that would better suit me for the now-time I find myself in because there was no space! Time to go, you wicked jacket. And you, and you….!

Beautiful items which used to hang in my closet for years which I just could not part with. Always

dreaming of the day when they will fit me again. They brought me (false) comfort over the years, but now I just want them out. In my mind, they are resisting me. They seem to be clinging onto their positions in my closet and do not want to let go of the place they took for such a lengthy period without any benefit to me, only teasing, mocking and tormenting me and reminding me of a time past. I rip more of them off the hangers and throw them on the floor with a vigour which surprises me.

I turn to look in my mirror. A sixty-year-old woman looks back at me and holds my gaze. I just stare at the image of myself. Minutes tick away. A strange, fuzzy, warm feeling creeps into my mind and raptures through my soul and spirit. I smile at the woman, and she smiles back.

I like you. I like you too. How do you feel about throwing out that stuff? Light. Free. Exhilarated. You are beautiful. Hey, just a second … (seconds tick… a minute gone) …. I know, right? How do you know?

Hesitation…. It is written… and I also heard a Voice this weekend. The Bible tells me so.

I am singing to myself now and it amazes and intrigues me. I listen to the sound of the waves brushing the beach. It brings back sounds, fragrances, faces, exclamations, feelings and emotions from the weekend at the conference. I remember the excitement, the beautiful table laid before us. The beautiful attire of each woman. I know that something important has happened to and in me. Let me let you in…

Before:

We moved from Jeffreys 5 years ago and returned to Jeffreys Bay in 2021. On our return, I was not sure where I should add myself, and if I should automatically go back to Victory Christian Church which was my former spiritual family. I wondered If I would be of any use there, or if I should go to another congregation? A whole pile of other thoughts of insecurity (piles of clothes hidden in my cupboard) came up to harass, paralyse and prevent me from taking any action. I wanted to only go where God showed me to go. During the 5 years away, I had my fair share of ups and downs, good and bad experiences, and I knew I had matured in character and discipleship, but I felt weak and vulnerable all the same.

My Father wanted to lead me to the new, beautiful version of me for such a time as this – the now time, the time and place I find myself in right now. My first command came: Set up a meeting with your pastor and lay it all on the table.

“Oh dear, God, I really do not know if I can bear to become that vulnerable.”

“Do you trust me? You gave me permission to sort you out, remember?”

“Yes Lord.”

“Do you trust Edna?”

“Yes Lord.”

“Do you think she loves you?”

“Yes Lord.”

“Do you love and trust her?”

“I do.”

Then go. Be obedient and do as I tell you, I will tell you where you belong I set up a meeting and did as God commanded me. I shared all my pain, fears and shame. It was hard to hear the words coming out of my own mouth for the first time. It was messy. (A pile of

hidden garments out of the closest now!) Edna listened, looked into my eyes and spoke right into my heart:

“I love you; I respect you; I honour you; I admire you; I always have.

You are beautiful and have a beautiful heart. You belong to us – your family. There are people, especially women who need to be near you, to touch your life and see God in you. I missed you. The leadership missed you, and those that God put on your way for you to touch and rub off onto, missed the opportunity of impartation from you. When you were gone, your spot was empty. We all have a place and purpose in God.”

“Can I arrange for you to join Mentoring?”

“No, I do not feel ready. I will next year.” “No, this year. You will never feel ready. We do not join in perfection. We join in our imperfection into Perfect Love.”

“I will go.”

I did. I made a choice that day to be faithful, transparent, eager to learn and open to hear from Holy Spirit, and to be obedient to God. My circumstances did not change. It only got worse. But the more things went South, the stronger I held onto God. I could go nowhere from there. I did not deter from my path.

With the announcement of the conference, I had such a happy feeling about it. I could not wait and marked off every day on my calendar. I just had great hope and expectation that during this conference my God was going to sever me from an ancient stronghold/sin/soul-tie which I could not name but knew it looked something like the pile of clothes that I had thrown out. I was vaguely aware

that there was sin hiding in my heart that took on the image of beauty and humility, but instead was a dreadful, harmful mindset devised by Satan to keep me from being free to see how God sees me. At some point during the conference, Holy Spirit reminded me of two mentoring meetings we had had before.

During the first meeting, I had had a vision, which I shared with the group. In the vision I was walking in a dense forest with huge, overpowering trees. I felt small, scared, lost and lonely. I heard the voice of God telling me to look down. I saw a tender new tree pushing its way through the bed of compost, (old leaves and broken branches) opening its beautiful green crown.

I heard Father say, “The compost is all the hurt, tears and tribulations that you’ve endured in your life. All your branches and leaves ripped from you by others, some ignorant and some even well-meaning people – even by your own doing, mistakes and sin. In Me nothing goes to waste. As I germinate new life in you for you, your life also becomes “matter or compost” for others to grow in. See how the seed of the new tree is nurtured and protected by the compost until the right time for germination? Hurt and agony do not go to waste. In My hands it is worked to prepare the soil – to make compost, enough for yourself and for others. Do not hold unto the broken branches, the old hurts. Give it to me, I know what to do with it. In my hands all dead and broken things become life. Every bitter and resentful thought, everything that ever happened to you – those things you would rather hide deep in the forest of your heart, I can use to birth new life. Take hope in this: As you allow Me to use your pain, it will restore the outflow of my love into your heart toward yourself and those around you. You will see, experience and share my beauty with

those that I will identify and cause to cross paths with you. That is the joy set before you -that through me, not only you will be saved into a new, beautiful everlasting life, but your life will bear the material to nurture, protect and lure others into me too. Your life will not be in vain. Keep giving me your broken branches and trust me. I will keep on purifying your heart and make it beautiful. You are beautiful in me – and this makes your heart a beautiful space for birthing new life.

In the next meeting my leaders started sharing some of their life experiences. The “compost” of their lives opened my heart and I felt safe and willing to get rid of some of my bad experiences… It felt like I could die, but I had to speak out and give away my brokenness – bring it into the light. They ministered and prayed over me which made a profound impact on my spirit.

Normally after sharing, I felt guilty and ashamed. But not this time. I felt freed by Holy Spirit - a beautiful daughter in Christ Jesus. “You are beautiful. You have a beautiful heart” (Really? – took me a long time to believe that!)

Back to the conference – The word that I took from Edna that night is that my lowest low, disappears when exposed to The Light – the presence of The King. Nothing in my shameful history will hold its grip on my soul and spirit once I run to His light. He will restore us to our rightful place and position. I heard God saying to me:

“You made idols from your hurts. Clean it up!”

“But I do not worship idols Lord?”

“You do if you hold onto your hurts and pain and allow it space and time in your heart and mind. You offer time, emotions, effort and energy to think on it, ponder, act and defend it. It becomes truer to

you than my Truth. It wraps its filthy rags around the purity of my incorruptible seed – the Righteousness of my Son that is yours. It obscures Me in you. Your “disabilities” become your identity, your excuse to act and think in a certain way. To withhold yourself from the table, to abdicate your spot in my army, to get your hands dirty.”

Repent of this idol of self-preservation. It is an abomination to me. Turn your face away from it. (Ezek. 14). It is your idols that cause you to stumble and hide yourself, not willing to come to my table. But I say:

LIVE!

Your beauty was perfect through my splendour which I have bestowed on you, says the Lord. Back to my closet cleaning and conversation. Everything I heard during the conference and even through the weeks leading up to it, points to our Lord making us beautiful – giving us a pure heart. It is my right, our right to live by and through His love. It is His command to love and to love through His Truth. I never want to forget or lose my place again. I prayed: “Lord, what can take away my pure heart, what makes my heart impure?”

The answer: Matt 5:8

“Blessed are the pure in heart shall see God.” A pure heart is a gift from God. The Greek meaning of pure is to speak of gold. Gold is not an alloy, in other words, not mixed with anything else. The Jewish word for this is Tehorim – unalloyed. Tehorim means the state of being ritually pure. When I try to be pure by washing my hands before eating or praying the right prayers, doing good stuff with the motive of trying to work up a pure heart. This is not the purity that God gave us, or wants us to walk in. Jesus knows our hearts. He gives us a

perfectly pure heart – the incorruptible seed is ours. (Pure gold). But we set up idols in our hearts which cover our pure heart like the trees in the forest.

This is my story. I will not make idols of my shame any longer. I have “been approved” by God Almighty Himself, and He bestowed his splendour on me. I am beautiful and have a pure heart, and I will live in Him. Through all the actions and happenings before and during this conference, the faithfulness of other daughters by giving us the splendid opportunity of which we could partake in. I could hear and obey the Voice. The King has called for me.

I will not shy away from and despise my beauty in Christ and will share beauty with those that God puts on my path. I am not sure how this is going to play out, but I am sure that I have a new command. I realised that the bride of Christ has been robbed by the enemy in so many instances regarding their beauty and position in the kingdom of God by the lies of the enemy.

I want to help set others free of these lies, and I know God will show me a way to do it. I will be ready and willing. All the glory to Jesus. Amen.

Shannon is married to Chris and have three married daughters and an ever growing family. After being a farmer’s wife for many years they now live on the beach in Jeffrey’s Bay where she pursues her love for hospitality. Shannon is passionate about the local Church being an expression of the heart of Jesus for corporate worship and walking out life in meaningful relationships through mentoring.

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