ALMARI ROOI

GROWING UP, LIKE ALL PEOPLE, I GUESS, I YEARNED FOR ONE THING—THE FATHER’S LOVE. I was given up by my biological family and adopted by amazing parents.

Thinking back, I tolerated many unusual things in my life without realising that there were patterns or that it was unusual. I had extreme fear since I can remember. I was targeted by more than a handful of sexual predators before and after encountering Jesus. I was molested for the first time while I was in primary school, and I never told on him. I struggled with people-pleasing from a young age - it is uncanny how obedient I was. Even to the point of hurting myselfaccepting bullying etc.

Forgetfulness has been a persistent challenge that has resulted in missed opportunities and the inability to confront past hurts. I also had frequent flashes of violent scenes in my imagination - something being done to me or me doing something violent and unthinkable. These images would pop up in my head for years and became worse as I had kids of my own.

After a three-week holiday in grade 5, on the first night home, I was overwhelmed with fear and experienced my first, what I now know as a panic attack. My vision would shake continually, and I felt a presence around me. It became so bad that every night was a battle. I couldn’t sleep over with friends anymore, and I couldn’t read the prescribed school books. My parents eventually took me to the doctor, then the specialist. After running multiple tests, they couldn’t explain it, so they gave me epilepsy medicine to give me something. I slept on my stomach for years because it felt less vulnerable, with the light on and a duvet over my head, no matter the weather. When it came, I wouldn’t know how to get through the night, as I didn’t want to bother anyone else.

As I got older, I started getting attacks in my sleep where something would physically push me down on the bed, and if I tried to pray or speak, swear words would come out of my mouth. When that happened, I prayed in my heart until I could start talking normally and get out of bed.

In 2006 this reached a peak where I struggled just being alone in a room. I wouldn’t look into mirrors, and I was petrified of seeing what I knew was around me. I heard from a colleague about a Christian counsellor, and this was the first time I had really heard of the power of Jesus Christ.

I got powerfully saved through counselling, joined a church and got baptised in 2006, and went to Bible school in 2007. The fear was not gone, but the attacks stopped. As I started getting to know God, I realised He had a plan for my life; it excited me and made me feel like I was a part of something bigger. I had picked up music again in Bible school after not playing the piano for years, and I was so excited when my BMUS study application was accepted. God had supernaturally quickened my fingers and mind to go from not being able to play the piano with chord charts (because I was used to classical sheet music) to being able to lead worship, playing and singing at Bible school. Before, church staff would often leave during morning worship because it was just so bad, but one morning the Holy Spirit came over me, and suddenly, I could play and sing, and we just kept worshipping God for much longer that day. I was so, so excited about life and God, but had no spiritual discipline, no discipleship or support and no clue.

In 2008 a series of events happened that stole my hope completely.

I thought I had found what I needed in a young man I met at church. Every person is of high value to God, but everyone isn’t on the right path, and everyone’s motives aren’t pure. My parents saw the danger, but I did not listen. I believed this young man aligned with my dream, and one of the respected Christians in our church had given us a word that our relationship was in God’s will, so I had an excuse.

The first time (and the second) we had sex, it was against my will, at that point, I had already been isolated from my friends.

When I was at Bible school, someone had given me a word saying that God was restoring my purity and my virginity, and now somebody had taken it from me again. I felt I had betrayed God and His kindness and told myself that night I would have to marry this man.

I started getting the same attacks again, which I now knew was a demonic presence trapping me in my bed. On top of that, I had immense guilt and self-rejection. “Help!” But who was I even going to tell about this? My “parents”? My “church”? My “friends”?

Because I did not want to break up with him, I had to leave home. Leaving home sounds normal, but it wasn’t the kind of “leaving the house” kids do when they start studying or working. It hurt.

I fell pregnant.

I had to tell my parents, and they were angry and devastated. I had to make hard choices which I wasn’t ready for, and my relationship with my parents

was in pieces.

I had many, many fights with my parents about what I was going to do. The options were - to continue studying and give up my child for adoption, or else I was on my own: Another ultimatum. They desperately wanted me to consider my future and get me away from this young man, while I didn’t want anyone to reject my baby.

My choices meant that I had to give up my music studies. My partner wanted me to get an abortion, but praise God for Doctor Domingo, who helped me and convinced him to do the right thing. I had to find a job while pregnant, and I married early in 2009.

My life changed - it felt like I was burying a friend, and I was a different person. I was treated differently. The world was a different place. Marriage was supposed to be a celebration, a union by God. On the morning of my wedding, I repeatedly asked God if I was doing the right thing. He never answered me.

On the first night of our marriage, I vividly dreamed of a tsunami hitting the house we slept in. In the dream, I tried to warn my husband that the wave was coming, and I wanted to get him to come out, but he would not listen, and I left without him.

I thought I could rebuild my life once we got married, but he was not interested. In 2011 the girl my husband was seeing fell pregnant. I tried to forgive him for that and repair our marriage, but he would not repent or leave his ways, and suddenly he was a completely different person who would laugh when I cried and physically threaten me. People told me that infidelity could happen to anyone, but what they didn’t understand was - I could forgive the adultery.

However, he expected me to accept the infidelity and stay with him.

I had sacrificed so much for nothing.

Shortly after my daughter’s 2nd birthday, I realised I had to go for an STD test and that my husband had a secret phone. I phoned my mom and asked her to come and fetch us. Divorce followed soon afterwards.

Matthew 18:33-35 AMP

Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave [who owed you little by comparison], as I had mercy on you?’ And in wrath, his master turned him over to the torturers (jailers) until he paid all that he owed. My heavenly Father will also do the same to [every one of] you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

Finally, in 2012 things were better- but then I messed up big time and played a part in almost breaking up a family. I had an affair with a married man - the girl who sought approval…We were so unwise and naive. In the end, I stood up against it and convinced him to come clean so it could be in the light and stop.

I didn’t mind being blamed for it all since I was to blame as well - the hard part was the disgust people had for me - I was the leper. Some of my sisters in Christ called me a ‘can of worms’, keyed my car, blocked me, shut me out and left messages for me to see on social media, yet never once asked me what happened or spoke to me.

I wasn’t unrepentant. I never wanted this. Yes, I fell. I wasn’t caught out, and I didn’t want to take her husband from her at any point - I needed to understand how I had gotten into this.

The problem was I couldn’t say “No” loud enough because my walk with God was casual. I didn’t know the fear of God. I didn’t realise that tolerating a look or a simple WhatsApp message to avoid rejecting someone would eventually create such a chasm. Listening to someone in emotional pain because their person is not listening to them or accepting kind words too often from someone who is not mine would lead to harm. I never expected this man to ever make moves on me, but he did, and I wasn’t ready for it. The people I did share with also didn’t speak up. I couldn’t even fight for myself, let alone anyone else. I don’t think anyone who has not walked in my shoes understands. My problem was not lust; it was that I craved acceptance. I wish I had found that in the people around me, in the mothers and fathers around me, but as I reflect back, I’ve always been or felt like I was on the outside, looking in, and I was never sure if it was them or me and why.

I was kicked out of that church. I felt like Joseph in the pit, being left for dead or sold by my brothers as if they were putting the wicked man out from among them. I knew I had sinned, and I thought I was ready for anything they would ask, but how it was handled was unbelievable. My repentance was met with more shame and more punishment. Their faces and their words, as they spoke to me, were as if I had brutally murdered someone. They told me that because I had not forgiven my ex-husband, I would not be forgiven, but I would be treated the same. They weren’t even aware of what happened with my ex-husband. It was just one big mess, and I couldn’t reconcile what God was saying with what they were saying or speak up because I was at fault; even more challenging than that was that my parents, who had helped me to get back up again the first time - had been shamed by me again.

During this second storm, I remembered Pastor Louis had seen us in the mall in 2009 while I was pregnant and prayed for us. So I went to Victory in 2013. The first evening service I attended, during worship, I saw a picture of a lion roaring with the words “I’m fighting for you”. I shared it with the pastor and he asked me to share it with everyone. The word was shared by his wife. It was her first time preaching. She played a clip of Narnia where Aslan, the lion, roars mightily and stands behind Lucy. I gasped. God was saying to her, “You heard me, My girl, and I’ve got you”, and to me “, You’re home, My girl, and I haven’t forsaken you”, and to the congregation, He was saying “Hi! This is Me, God speaking”. He is so kind.

Between 2013 and 2023, many great things happened. God restored a lot. He gave me a fantastic job and restored my finances and relationship with my parents. My current husband and I got married in Victory, and now we’re a family of 4 living in our own house. Regarding the happenings in 2012: The family, the leaders and I have since forgiven each other - all the glory to God for that!

However, I still hadn’t ever really felt part of the family, part of the body. There had even been some conflict around the topic. I felt like I was always on the outside looking in while everyone was having fellowship, loving and caring for each other, and being friends.

I knew God wanted me there, but it didn’t feel like people wanted me there. I’ve tried many things to alter this myself and to change myself. Fear and anxiety, and depression - these were also things that I struggled with daily.

“And you will find me when you search for me with your whole heart.” Jer 29:13b

Last year was an exceptionally difficult year for me. My bed became my place of comfort, and I spent most of my time there. It was hard for me to contribute fully. I was anxious and overwhelmed by everything; even with too many sounds happening at once, something would well up inside me, and I would have an outburst.

I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts on and off, but last year it came up again, and at the end of the year, I had a meltdown. Suddenly I saw everything wrong in my life, and I started pleading with God that I wanted to die, that I wanted to leave, and that I wanted nothing to do with anyone anymore. The Holy Spirit led me to repent of this, and two of my friends tried to help me.

While listening to a testimony on YouTube, I felt God’s kindness towards me and a spark lit within me. Suddenly I realised and believed again that God wanted us to know the Book He had written for our lives because He was excited about it, and it was for His glory. We are not enslaved people whose Master shares nothing with us, we are sons, and we know what our Father is doing because He shares with us. I started seeking, knocking, asking. The first thing God reminded me of was the scripture about believing that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seeks Him. So I focused on that one thing.

One morning at church during worship, the Holy Spirit led me to lay down my dreams. I asked Him to give me something to hold onto when I felt as if I was slipping away. Jesus leaned in and put his forehead against mine and said to me, “I thought of you while I was on the cross that day”.

God revealed to me that the thoughts that I had were

not my own, and the desires that I had were not my own. The sin in my life was because of my own choices, but that is not who I am at all. I had willingly given over to and agreed to the enemy’s plans for my life.

He revealed it through deliverance videos while I could not read my Bible. The demons in the videos spoke against their will in obedience to the Holy Spirit. They were divulging what they had prevented (hearing, knowing, walking in God’s purposes), stolen (gifting, understanding, inheritance and more), given (disease, thoughts, malice and perversion) and more. The fear of the Lord came upon me, and I realised more than ever that God is not mocked.

He is Holy and all-powerful, and when He decrees something, everything listens and obeys - even these ancient filthy fallen angels who hate Him. So then, how do I so casually address God when I claim to love Him? How can I even think I could determine what is wrong and right by myself? How arrogant am I by not giving God my tithe and, in doing that, saying – I know better, and I can look after myself?

When God instructs us in His word, He does it for a reason. He may not explain why, but we should trust Him because He knows infinitely more than we do. Yes, Jesus died for our sins, and we can come to Him boldly in need, but we shouldn’t undervalue or casually use His grace.

My husband and I started seeking God for deliverance.

We went to see Pastor Louis, and he prayed for us. The first thing that fell off me was fear. A fear that had

followed me my whole life and wouldn’t leave when I commanded it, just left.

Spending time in the Word was also easier. Pastor Louis told us to start journaling which I’ve started again.

The Holy Spirit convicted me, and I repented of my sexual sin before and after coming to Christ since I had never done that before. I felt I had to share it with my husband, who had never been intimate with anyone else apart from me. It was difficult for him to hear, but the next evening he called me to wash my feet. As he was praying over me, I saw that it was Jesus washing my feet. It wrecked me.

Since then, the Holy Spirit has revealed many things to us in our marriage which are not in His will. We must be willing to be consecrated and set apart to be his royal priesthood and to know Him in everything.

One Sunday morning, Uncle Tony Fitzgerald was preaching at our church, and when he called up people for prayer for grief, I knew we had to get up. He mentioned that God had laid on his heart someone who, 15 years before, had lost hope. In 2008. When he said that, it hit me. I felt it was me, but I didn’t know why. I had forgotten, but God knew that

● My grandmother, our prayer warrior in the family, died in 2008.

● I was isolated from friends

● I lost my purity, again

● I had to leave my parents’ house

● my studies were cut short

● I fell pregnant

● my dream of being a musician died

● I betrayed myself

God said from Heaven, “It is finished”.

I didn’t feel anything except for a very sore spot in my heart being touched and seen by God. I also felt an “at last” - like I’ve been hanging on by a thread for so long, desperately wanting but unable to receive and so misunderstood - and finally, God took those heavy rags off me.

He knew, and He cared long after everyone else remembered or cared (even me) - He was the only one who knew at which moment in time I was being held captive. Over the next few days, I realised that depression and anxiety had left me, and I could quickly do more around the house for my family. I was not always in bed, and I was not crying and upset or as critical. I was positive at work, even under challenging circumstances. It felt wonderful not constantly being nagged in my thoughts, always hearing I would never make it and how nothing works out.

The chains of 2008 are gone. When I notice forgetfulness, I remind myself that God has given me the mind of Christ. I am still learning, but I am also the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.

Pastor Louis prayed with us again. I told him that I feel like there is an antenna on my head that says “abuse me” because people constantly try pushing me into situations that are not right in general or correct towards me. When I realise what is happening, it’s too late, and I feel like I can’t say no. He said that it’s an orphan spirit, and it’s because I say subconsciously, “What can I do so that you love me?” I shared some of my other struggles, and we prayed together, repenting and renouncing the orphan spirit.

Renewing our minds with the Word of God is so essential. We must remain in Him because, without Him, we can do nothing. We must remain in Him because we are fickle and broken at best, and He knows best - He can see.

This is only the beginning for me. Eternity has only just begun! My dreams were mediocre compared to knowing Him and walking in His will. I don’t care what I do with my life - it’s His. He is my calling and my reward. May Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit be glorified. I won’t forget what He has done for me.

God calls the outcasts home. He’s a Father to the fatherless. When your mother and father abandon you, the Lord will adopt you. He touches the lepers. He leaves the 99 to find the 1. He heals the unclean. He places us in a family. The murderer on the other cross was saved, not by the sinner’s prayer, but by a God that cares, who did so much to offer forgiveness and access to life.

Jesus loved those who sinned unto repentance and resisted the proud and religious even as He walked on the earth. He uses the weak, simple and foolish things to confound the wise. Lord, may I be one of those weak, simple and foolish things - use me however you see fit.