HopeHealth: Assessing Your Relationship

Assessing Your Relationship Health

story by Farrah Hughes, PhD, ABPP, HopeHealth

We all know that the quality of our intimate relationships can powerfully impact our physical and emotional health, as well as the quality of other areas of our lives. Therefore, it is essential that we stay attuned to the well-being of our romantic relationship and seek help when it is suffering. John Gottman is a clinical psychologist who also happens to be a mathematician, and he is a worldrenowned expert on relationships. He and his wife Julie, a marital therapist, have studied thousands of couples in their “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. The result? A sound theory of relationships that has influenced effective treatments for couples. Dr. Gottman has published almost 200 scientific journal articles and 40 books. Plus, he can watch a few minutes of spouses talking with one another and predict with more than 90 percent accuracy which couples will divorce. (You can find out more online at the Gottman Institute’s website, www.gottman.com.) So, when someone asks me for advice regarding their relationship health, I always refer to the Gottmans’ wisdom. To illustrate some well-founded principles regarding relationship health, here are some of John and Julie Gottmans’ findings. These were developed from their research involving married couples, but they apply to all of our romantic relationships – married or not. Think of these as “formulas” for relationship success:

THE 5-TO-1 RATIO

In satisfying relationships, positive communications outnumber negative communications by a ratio of 5-to-1. (In unhealthy relationships, the ratio is 0.8-to-1.) • The positive things that we say to our partners and the nice things that we do for them are all deposits into the “bank of goodwill.” Negative comments and behaviors make withdrawals on that account.

• Remember to focus on the small, day-to-day moments to really be there when your partner needs you. It’s those moments that build the relationship and keep your bank balance from falling in the red.

THE 4 HORSEMEN

There are four primary indicators of relationship demise: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (or withdrawal). These are nicknamed “the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse.” It is okay to disagree. In fact, it’s perfectly healthy! The Gottmans’ research has shown us that it’s how we argue that matters. It’s important to recognize these unhealthy patterns and correct them as soon as possible.

• Criticism: Voicing complaints about specific concerns or issues is healthy but attacking your partner’s character is not.

• A complaint might be, “I was worried when you didn’t show up on time. Please text me when you’re running late so that I don’t worry.” • In contrast, a criticism is, “That was so selfish. You never think about how your behavior affects other people, and you don’t have the courtesy to show up on time.”

• Contempt: Contempt goes a step further and assumes moral superiority over the other person. It might include disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, ridiculing, or name-calling. It often is the result of longstanding negative beliefs about the other person and is the single biggest predictor of break-ups and divorces. • An example of contempt might be, “I can’t believe you thought it was okay to butt into my conversation with my daughter. You’re such an idiot! You think you can barge into any situation, even when your tiny brain can’t possibly understand what is going on.”

• Defensiveness: When we feel criticized, we often resort to defensiveness. It involves playing the victim or deflecting responsibility onto someone else. Defensiveness is often intended to squash conflict, but it has the opposite effect and can cause conflict to escalate. • When one partner asks the other partner a question, such as “Did you talk to your son about inviting me to the family cookout?” An example of defensiveness might be, “No, I didn’t have time today because things were so busy. You’re both adults. I really think you need to just talk to him about coming. Why can’t you just do that?”

• Stonewalling (withdrawal): When a partner feels overwhelmed by negativity and conflict, they may pull away, tune out, walk out, or otherwise disconnect. Basically, stonewalling is when a person leaves the interaction, either mentally or physically. • As an alternative, you and your partner can be proactive and decide to take a 30-minute “time out” to calm down, then return to the discussion when you’ve collected your thoughts.

Attending to your romantic relationship is one of the best things you can do for your emotional and physical health. If you want to seek help on your own, take a look at books written by Dr. Gottman, the Gottman Institute online, or his videos on YouTube.

If you could use help to either strengthen your relationship or to leave it in a healthy way, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, a pastor, or a behavioral health professional. Counselors, clinical social workers, psychologists, and marriage and family therapists are available to help with difficult conversations in a healthy way and to improve your relationships.

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Farrah Hughes, PhD

Farrah Hughes, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and serves as the director of Behavioral Health Services at HopeHealth. She is happily married to her best friend of over 22 years and together they have two children. She is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Collaborative Family Healthcare Association, and the Society for Couple and Family Psychology.