HEALTH + WELLNESS HEALTH + WELLNESS
Assessing Your Relationship Health story by Farrah Hughes, PhD, ABPP, HopeHealth
We all know that the quality of our intimate relationships can powerfully impact our physical and emotional health, as well as the quality of other areas of our lives. Therefore, it is essential that we stay attuned to the well-being of our romantic relationship and seek help when it is suffering. John Gottman is a clinical psychologist who also happens to be a mathematician, and he is a worldrenowned expert on relationships. He and his wife Julie, a marital therapist, have studied thousands of couples in their “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. The result? A sound theory of relationships that has influenced effective treatments for couples. Dr. Gottman has published almost 200 scientific journal articles and 40 books. Plus, he can watch a few minutes of spouses talking with one another and predict with more than 90 percent accuracy which couples will divorce. (You can find out more online at the Gottman Institute’s website, www.gottman.com.) So, when someone asks me for advice regarding their relationship health, I always refer to the Gottmans’ wisdom. To illustrate some well-founded principles regarding relationship health, here are some of John and Julie Gottmans’ findings. These were developed from their research involving married couples, but they apply to all of our romantic relationships – married or not. Think of these as “formulas” for relationship success: 40
VIPMagSC.com
May 2021
THE 5-TO-1 RATIO In satisfying relationships, positive communications outnumber negative communications by a ratio of 5-to-1. (In unhealthy relationships, the ratio is 0.8-to-1.) • The positive things that we say to our partners and the nice things that we do for them are all deposits into the “bank of goodwill.” Negative comments and behaviors make withdrawals on that account. • Remember to focus on the small, day-to-day moments to really be there when your partner needs you. It’s those moments that build the relationship and keep your bank balance from falling in the red. THE 4 HORSEMEN There are four primary indicators of relationship demise: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (or withdrawal). These are nicknamed “the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse.” It is okay to disagree. In fact, it’s perfectly healthy! The Gottmans’ research has shown us that it’s how we argue that matters. It’s important to recognize these unhealthy patterns and correct them as soon as possible.
