Beside Still Waters

I HAVE SAT IN ASHES

BY RUSANNE JOURDAN

I have sat in the ashes

Of the death of dreams for a child Of hope hindered and my heart scarred

Blinded by the tears And deaf to the sounds of voices and the beauty of nature all around

I am lost A child taken yet still here

I have sat in the ashes Screaming and swearing out to God Why? Why? Why this? Why him, why me?

I have sat in the ashes The world crumbling all around me Dust in my eyes, I cannot see Rubble from the earthquake, I did not foresee now my existence I am blinded by the pain, my heart torn in two

This child I bore, taken yet still here No words No expression Locked far away I cannot reach him I cannot make this go away

No hugs, did they hurt him? He cannot say No eye contact, does he see me? I do not know Does he love me? How will I know?

I want to run as far as the wind can take me Alone where I don’t have to do this This is not what was expected with my bundle of joy When my tummy held him in anticipation of his arrival Now confusion, anger and sadness consume every moment awake or asleep

What is sleep? That doesn’t come for either of us No cure No understanding What do I do? Where will I go?

A mother helps heal her children’s boo boo But this is a wound a Band-Aid cannot cover Lost Limp Lingering in a wilderness never wandered within

No control No energy to take on each day

Why? Why? Why this? Why him, why me?

Others try to console, with all their world well It is what it is You were chosen for this role It will all be well, worked for good you’ll see

Don’t speak another word! You have no idea what this is like for me!

My child is drowning and I cannot be the rescuer

Anger and grief continue to rise The hurt, the disappointment, the shame that I now feel is taking me to a place I don’t want to go It is strangling me, trying to take me out!

Then Then one day instead of my head being held by my hands in despair You held my head up to look to You!

It was Your Word, Lord, that You had just for me A picture of my son and me with You in heaven

All tears would be wiped away, Father So whatever I needed to do, God, I would do for You

All of the world and what it looked like would one day be behind us I began to know then My focus had to shift My eyes, my heart focused on You

Your promises Your life you gave for us To have eternity written on our hearts

I have sat in the ashes but now in Your lap You guiding every step

For me and my child who is now a young man

Time gone by You continue to heal my heart and Renew my mind

Still rough days Still tears that well up But You are always there to pick me up

From the ashes I once sat to the beauty that is From devastation to witnessing Your glory

Magnified with Your Majesty Magnified with Praise for You

Worshipping through the suffering For when I am in Your Lap I envision my child you gave me there too

Held Whole Complete with You

Daddy You are all I can see

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those that grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)