BESIDE STILL WATERS I HAVE SAT IN ASHES
BY RUSANNE JOURDAN I have sat in the ashes Of the death of dreams for a child Of hope hindered and my heart scarred Blinded by the tears And deaf to the sounds of voices and the beauty of nature all around I am lost A child taken yet still here I have sat in the ashes Screaming and swearing out to God Why? Why? Why this? Why him, why me? I have sat in the ashes The world crumbling all around me Dust in my eyes, I cannot see Rubble from the earthquake, I did not foresee now my existence I am blinded by the pain, my heart torn in two This child I bore, taken yet still here No words No expression Locked far away I cannot reach him I cannot make this go away 16
No hugs, did they hurt him? He cannot say No eye contact, does he see me? I do not know Does he love me? How will I know? I want to run as far as the wind can take me Alone where I don’t have to do this This is not what was expected with my bundle of joy When my tummy held him in anticipation of his arrival Now confusion, anger and sadness consume every moment awake or asleep What is sleep? That doesn’t come for either of us No cure No understanding What do I do? Where will I go? A mother helps heal her children’s boo boo But this is a wound a Band-Aid cannot cover Lost Limp Lingering in a wilderness never wandered within No control No energy to take on each day Why? Why? Why this? Why him, why me?
