Three Strands

RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES

BY CINDY SOUTHWORTH

While many think that the issues of finances, sexuality, or differences in parenting styles are the leading causes of divorce, many courts determine that a couple can divorce simply over “irreconcilable differences.” What are irreconcilable differences?

According to Dr. John Gottman, the leading marriage researcher of the 20th century, divorce is predictable when any one of the following four behaviors are present: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. These behaviors are so destructive that the couple who navigates marriage without them has a better chance of withstanding multiple marital issues than the couple who falls prey to these acts and experiences only one marital problem. Let’s take a look at these threats to marriage.

Criticism. This could also be defined as nagging. Criticism sometimes happens when one spouse does not meet the expectations of the other spouse. Complaints are okay. Criticism, however, is never okay. It leads to a dead-end street, meaning that the issue is never resolved. The disappointed spouse keeps hoping their spouse will change if they just keep telling them what’s wrong. Instead, the criticized spouse begins to lose their confidence. Check your expectations and accept your spouse where he or she is. Learn to separate the person from the behavior.

Defensiveness. This happens when a spouse is unwilling to admit he or she is wrong and casts blame on the other person. The defensive spouse has an answer for everything except the magic words, “I was wrong.” Failure to admit weaknesses only leads to defeat. It is better to admit there is something wrong and work toward finding a solution that will satisfy both parties.

Stonewalling. This occurs when a spouse avoids conflict and withdraws emotionally because he or she does not feel emotionally safe. This is a lose-lose situation. Instead, each spouse must have the courage to face the issue and find positive solutions to improve communication and resolution of conflict.

Contempt. Dr. Gottman describes contempt as the most destructive emotion in a relationship. The first three, if left unattended, lead to contempt, which is a lack of respect and spiteful behavior. Contempt leads to apathy, which is the opposite of love. The prescription for contempt is forgiveness. A good marriage consists of two good forgivers.

The Bible has a clear outline for resolving all four of these behaviors:

1. Do not judge, or you too will be judged. (Matthew 7:1, NIV) When we lay aside our judgment, we stop criticizing and start accepting our spouse right where they are. We stop criticizing, and we start asking more questions to help them make better choices for themselves. We point them to the One who can help them when they are struggling.

2. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (I John 1:9-10, NIV) When we believe this truth and confess our faults, we don’t walk around with a veil of shame over us because we know we have been forgiven.

3. Where God’s love is there is no fear, because God’s perfect love drives out fear. (I John 4:18, NCV) Instead of stonewalling, which is what we do when we fear confrontation, choose to confront the situation with a loving heart. Listen with empathy and determine that the two of you will resolve the conflict amicably.

4. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32, NIV) Ruth Bell Graham once said that a good marriage is just made up “of two good forgivers.” When we forgive, we give up our right to retaliate, and we ask God to help us see our spouse as God sees him or her. Forgiveness is mandatory; reconciliation happens after forgiveness has been offered and steps have been taken to rebuild trust within the relationship.

When we choose to live by God’s Word, we believe that our differences can be reconciled. We choose to live in a judgment-free zone, believe the best about each other, forgive frequently, and engage in healthy conflict resolution. This will foster a healthy and thriving marriage.

Cindy Jacob Southworth has an M.S. in Counseling Studies, is an AACC Certified Relationship Coach and John Maxwell certified coach. She and her husband David have been in full-time marriage ministry since 2005 and pioneered the Marriage 911 intensive and women’s BreakThrough retreats. They have also developed the UP Leadership program, which prepares couples for marriage ministry. Cindy serves on the Leadership Team of Women World Leaders. Recently retired in central Florida, they devote their time now to writing and developing leaders for ministry and enjoying their nine grandchildren. You can learn more about them by visiting their website at www.breakwatercoaching.com.