THREE STRANDS
RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES
B Y C I N DY S O U T H W O R T H
While many think that the issues of finances, sexuality, or differences in parenting styles are the leading causes of divorce, many courts determine that a couple can divorce simply over “irreconcilable differences.” What are irreconcilable differences? According to Dr. John Gottman, the leading marriage researcher of the 20th century, divorce is predictable when any one of the following four behaviors are present: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. These behaviors are so destructive that the couple who navigates marriage without them has a better chance of withstanding multiple marital issues than the couple who falls prey to these acts and experiences only one marital problem. Let’s take a look at these threats to marriage. Criticism. This could also be defined as nagging. Criticism sometimes happens when one spouse does not meet the expectations of the other spouse. Complaints are okay. Criticism, however, is never okay. It leads to a dead-end street, meaning that the issue is never resolved. The disappointed spouse keeps hoping their spouse will change if they just keep telling them what’s wrong. Instead, the criticized spouse begins to lose their confidence. Check your expectations and accept your spouse where he or she is. Learn to separate the person from the behavior. Defensiveness. This happens when a spouse is unwilling to admit he or she is wrong and casts blame on the other person. The defensive spouse has an answer for everything except the magic words, “I was wrong.” Failure to admit weaknesses only leads to defeat. It is better to admit there is something wrong and work toward finding a solution that will satisfy both parties.
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