Thank you, ex Cat Tang

WhenAiden Dufault wants to talk about his dating life, he turns to his ex-boyfriend.

Dufault and his ex ended on amicable terms. While they took some time apart initially after the breakup, the two now consider each other good friends.

“I decided to stay friends [with them] because I don’t have a lot of gay male friends,” says Dufault. “I wanted to have someone as a friend who has that same lived experience I’ve had, that you just can’t get with someone who’s heterosexual.”

While it may seem like a hard concept to some heterosexual people, remaining friends with ex-partners isn’t that unusual in the LGBTQ2+ community.

The specific reasons why some LGBTQ2+ people choose to remain close with their exes aren’t universally agreed upon, and it’s definitely not a one-size-fits-all.

According to Andie Shabbar, a professor in gender, sexuality and women’s studies at Western University, LGBTQ2+ relationships have always existed outside of the standards of heteronormative culture — including “norms” of what a relationship with an ex-partner should be.

“Queer people are often outcasts and rebels and pioneers when it comes to love and relationships in our heteronormative culture,” says Shabbar. “It’s a world-making practice.”

For Dufault and many others in the LGBTQ2+ community, an important part of that world-making practice is the unique kinship found in former romantic partners.

“We’re both gay, and that dating experience is so unique,” says Dufault. “[My ex is] one of the only people I know who really gets it, so I go to him.”

While there have been studies done, like one at Oakland University, on the specific reasons why some people choose to stay friends with their exes, they’ve only included “cross-sex” exes — former romantic relationships where partners were of the opposite sex.

The Oakland University study sampled 860 people in cross-sex post-romantic friendships identified seven categories of reasons why they chose to stay friends with ex-partners: reliability and sentimentality, pragmatism, continued romantic attraction, children and shared resources, diminished romantic attraction, social relationship maintenance and sexual access.

However there’s little data on the post-breakup behaviours of LGBTQ2+ people in same-sex post-romantic friendships.

Shabbar says it doesn’t surprise her that there aren’t statistics on LGBTQ2+ exes.

“Another thing about queer communities and culture is that a lot of it’s ephemeral,” says Shabbar. “A lot of it is not something you can point to because it’s that way of life, it’s hard to gather statistics on how people are feeling about one another.”

Dufault’s relationship with his ex hasn’t been without its issues. He says his first partner following his ex felt threatened by their friendship. When his partner asked Dufault to cut off his ex, he said no.

“I’m not going to end a friendship that means something to me,” says Dufault. “Now I have a rule and my current partner is great about it. This is a fact: I do talk to my ex, we are friends.”

Dufault’s advice for someone trying to ease their partner’s worries about an ex is to try and explain to them why you and your ex broke up. Even better, introduce them to each other — when your partner sees you and your ex interact with each other, it can confirm there’s nothing going on, while humanizing the past partner.

But besides jealousy from current partners, being friendly with exes can pose other problems as well. Shabbar notes it can be difficult for LGBTQ2+ people to leave abusive relationships if there’s that expectation of remaining friendly afterwards.

“Whenever you’re trying to define what is expected of a group of people or community, you’re always going to run into some problems,” says Shabbar. “That might create some ostracization, or feel a bit difficult if that expectation to remain friends after a relationship is there.”

For Dufault, his friendship with his ex is a positive and meaningful relationship in his life. He feels grateful.

“He’s not my absolute best friend, but he is a good friend of mine and someone I see when we can,” says Dufault. “I love talking to him.”