Whiskey River Soap Catalog Fall 2023

FALL 2023

68 AL L NEW PRODUCTS

Soap Opera Soap Opera

THE ISSUE

THE ISSUE

“She died in a horrible accident.”

Drama? Never heard of her...

The only kind of “soap opera” we know about here is the occasional occurrence where our soapmakers break out into spontaneous song while they whip up new soaps. Just kidding! That’s never happened. I mean, I think. Our whole cast developed recurring amnesia in the third season.

What has actually happened: a whole year of consistency. Pinky swear! We’ve always had consistently excellent products and now we can say we have consistently excellent customer service, quick shipping, and all the rest of it too! Implausible? Not a chance. But hey, that’s what makes soap operas AND our products so entertaining.

A big thank you to our employees, our sales reps, and the coolest stores in every town. Cheers!

Product Collections

HIDDEN FORTUNE

TRIPLE

SEXY

NOTORIOUS

SHIT

11

Swingers Original Bar Soap Page

“I think I might have amnesia.”

Hidden Fortune Candles

We love Chinese food and all, but honestly the best part is the fortune cookie. And since Veggie Lo Mein is now off-limits–Atkins, man–we had the boys in the lab cook these babies up instead. Through the ancient science of heat and light, your fortune will appear as the candle burns. Confucius said, “Better to light one small candle than curse the darkness.” Smart guy.

Hidden Fortune Candles: Duo-wick soy wax candle with heat-sensitive label.

Size: 3 ½″ H × 3 ¼″ D. Burn time: 40 hours.

Net weight: 9 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.

Each candle pack comes with four different fortunes!

ADULT CATEGORY

ROSE PATCHOULI SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

4-ADU

ANCIENT WISDOM

CATEGORY

CILANTRO WASABI SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

4-ANC

CAREER CATEGORY

OCEAN CYPRESS SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

4-CAR

HAPPINESS

CATEGORY

AMBER HONEY SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

4-HAP

LOVE CATEGORY

SAGE SANDALWOOD SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

LUCK CATEGORY

BAMBOO FOREST SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

DASH OF PROFANITY CATEGORY

MANDARIN VANILLA SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

SOCIAL CATEGORY

MINT GRAPEFRUIT SCENT

FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES

MilledTriple Soap Bars

In the beginning there was soap. Then candles. And pencils and pens and puzzles and stickers. Now soap, again. Triple milled and made in the USA. Packed in a legendary cardboard carton. Shipped in a revolutionary display box.

Soap’s back and better than ever.

Triple Milled Soap Bars: 16 different soap bars in sturdy paperboard cartons.

Carton size: 3 ¾″ L × 2 ½″ W × 1 ⅛″ D. Sold as pre-packs of 4 styles, 16 total soap bars. Also available to order individually in packs of 4. Net weight: 3 ounces.

Comes with Display

When ordered as a prepack. Holds 16 total units, 4 each style.

SOAPS OF YESTERYEAR

least 1200 dpi the edge of your project unless bleed is needed then use (CMYK) should be saved as CMYK color mode not printed using Pantone (PMS or Spot) colors it should be in the color pallet. Black and White images need to be saved needs to be saved in Bitmap color mode indicate PMS/Match colors used and delete any unused boxes. If custom provide sample to match. Please indicate desired nish type gloss or matte. delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby agree not to use such die line for any other than submitting artwork to Twincraft (and speci cally agree not to use the die line to submit artwork to other vendors).

Please place art work on this die line and return to Twincraft according to the following:

• A PDF of the master le for review

• Convert all fonts to outlines

• Include all fonts as a back up

• Text should be at least 6pt.(positive) and at least 6pt. (negative)

• Include all linked images and graphics even if you have embedded them. All Rasterized graphics/photos must be at least 300 dpi placed at 100%, Bitmap graphics must be at least 1200 dpi placed at 100%)

least 1200 dpi the edge of your project unless bleed is needed then use (CMYK) should be saved as CMYK color mode not printed using Pantone (PMS or Spot) colors it should be in the color pallet. Black and White images need to be saved needs to be saved in Bitmap color mode indicate PMS/Match colors used and delete any unused boxes. If custom provide sample to match. Please indicate desired nish type gloss or matte. delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby agree not to use such die line for any other than submitting artwork to Twincraft (and speci cally agree not to use the die line to submit artwork to other vendors).

Please place art work on this die line and return to Twincraft according to the following:

• Must include bleed of .125” past the trim if there is printing all the way to the edge of your project

TWC REF: 08080a

• A PDF of the master le for review

• Convert all fonts to outlines

• Include all fonts as a back up

• Text should be at least 6pt.(positive) and at least 6pt. (negative)

• Include all linked images and graphics even if you have embedded them. All Rasterized graphics/photos must be at least 300 dpi placed at 100%, Bitmap graphics must be at least 1200 dpi placed at 100%)

• Must include bleed of .125” past the trim if there is printing all the way to the edge of your project

• Keep all text and graphics .0625” away from folds and edges –unless bleed is needed then use the .125” bleed

• Keep all text and graphics .0625” away from folds and edges –unless bleed is needed then use the .125” bleed

the edge of your project unless bleed is needed then use (CMYK) should be saved as CMYK color mode not printed using Pantone (PMS or Spot) colors it should be in the color pallet. Black and White images need to be saved needs to be saved in Bitmap color mode indicate PMS/Match colors used and delete any unused boxes. If custom provide sample to match. Please indicate desired nish type gloss or matte. delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby agree not to use such die line for any other than submitting artwork to Twincraft (and speci cally agree not to use the die line to submit artwork to other vendors).

• Projects that are supposed to print in 4 color process (CMYK) should be saved as CMYK color mode not RGB, LAB or Indexed. If your project is to be printed using Pantone (PMS or Spot) colors it should be saved that way. Delete any unused colors in the color pallet. Black and White images need to be saved in Grayscale color mode and line art needs to be saved in Bitmap color mode

• Projects that are supposed to print in 4 color process (CMYK) should be saved as CMYK color mode not RGB, LAB or Indexed. If your project is to be printed using Pantone (PMS or Spot) colors it should be saved that way. Delete any unused colors in the color pallet. Black and White images need to be saved in Grayscale color mode and line art needs to be saved in Bitmap color mode

Twincraft (and speci cally agree not to use the die line to artwork to other vendors).

• Please complete color keyindicate PMS/Match colors used and delete any unused boxes. If custom color is used you must provide sample to match. Please indicate desired nish typegloss or matte.

• Please complete color keyindicate PMS/Match colors used and delete any unused boxes. If custom color is used you must provide sample to match. Please indicate desired nish type -

or matte.

• By accepting delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby agree not to use such die line for any purpose other than submitting artwork to Twincraft (and speci cally agree not to use the die line to submit artwork to other vendors).

• By accepting delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby agree not to use such die line for any purpose other than submitting artwork to Twincraft (and speci cally agree not to use the die line to submit artwork to other vendors).

Relive the halcyon days of your youth… or maybe your grandma’s youth. I don’t know how old you are. One thing I do know: our triple-milled soap is sure to transport you somewhere. Whether that’s to a 70’s home disco, 50’s bathtub, or 80’s basement is up to you! Just remember: tell ’em Ballet Bob sent ya!

Soap Collection C: 4 units of each soap; 16 total units. Ships in counter-top display box.

Soap dimensions:

7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L.

A-SOAP-C

WE’RE

SUDS & BUDS

What’s better than sharing a nice bath with your dog while the cat watches from the sink? Nothing, that’s what. Scrubbing away all those weeks of stale B.O. will leave you feeling like the GOAT! And you don’t have to take my word for it either, just take a gander at these here soaps to the left… you’ll get the picture my friend.

Soap Collection D: 4 units of each soap; 16 total units. Ships in counter-top display box.

Soap dimensions:

7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L.

GREEN CAT EYE SCENT

STROLL IN THE WOODS SCENT HEMP & ROSE SCENT

PETTY PANSIES SCENT

ROLLED IN THE YARD SCENT

MARTINI WITH A TWIST SCENT

SCENT

7.3438”

7.8438”

1.1875”

2.4375”

3.75”

Front of Box

7.3438”

7.8438”

7.3438”

7.8438”

1.1875”

2.4375”

3.75”

Front of Box

7.3438”

7.8438”

1.1875”

2.4375”

7.3438”

7.8438”

1.1875”

2.4375”

3.75”

Front of Box

7.3438”

7.8438”

Sexy CandlesZodiac

Forty years ago, NASA launched two Voyager spacecraft into deep space. Aboard both were gold discs with music, greetings and sounds from Earth—a message to aliens. Just three weeks ago, the aliens finally replied. They slid into our DMs with a wave and eggplant emoji, and the following message: “Astrology candles, but make them sexy.” And who are we to deny them their otherworldly desires? Hey, this is a much better introduction than blowing up the planet.

Sexy Zodiac Candles:

Soy wax candles. Vessel size: 3 ½″ H × 3 ¼″ D. Burn time: 40 hours. Net weight: 9 ounces. 12 styles, sold in 4-packs.

“I hope the camera can’t see my peg leg.”

your name again?”

Jigsaw Puzzles

Wanna get your puzzle on?

We’ve been hooked on these little time-wasters for years now. And when winter hits? You can burn them for warmth.

Fantasy Destination Jigsaw Puzzles:

1,000+ piece puzzles bagged and packed in sturdy, colorful boxes.

Box size: 8″ × 10″.

Puzzle size: 19 ½″ × 26 ⅞″.

6 different puzzle styles sold in 2-packs.

BLUFFS

Notorious Awards Pen Sets Display Available!

Holds four each of all six styles. Size: 7″ L × 6″ W × 11 ¼″ H. See Page 110

Here’s to the crazy bitches. The poor sports. The bad moms. The petty criminals. The ones who use grammar different. The ones who swear prolifically. While some may see them as notorious, we see real winners.

Pen Sets: 4 black ink ballpoint click pens in a colorful and sturdy 2-piece box. Pen size: 5 ½″ L × ⅜″ W. Box size: 5 ⅝″ L × 1 ⅛″ W × 1 ⅛″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

Four vintage-style pens inside:

Spelling Deal-Breaker Awards · “LOOSE” INSTEAD OF “LOSE”

APOSTROPHE CATASTROPHES 2022 · Best of Poor Grammar New’s

Social Media Awards 2023 · WORST USAGE OF “YOUR”

MOST QUESTIONS ENDING IN “AT” · Winner Bad Preposition Use

BAD GRAMMAR AWARDS

BALLPOINT PEN SET

AP-GRA

Four vintage-style pens inside:

Longest Running Streak 2022 · TIPSY AT SCHOOL FUNCTIONS

BIGGEST DIRTY LAUNDRY PILE · Bad Housekeeping Magazine

Bad Moms Association 2021 · MOST F BOMBS DROPPED TO KIDS

6-Month Family Challenge Winner · RAMEN NOODLE MARATHON

BAD MOM AWARDS

BALLPOINT PEN SET

AP-MOM

Four vintage-style pens inside:

Annual Liar Society Awards · MOST “I’M NOT MAD” DECLARATIONS

WINDOW BREAKING NATIONALS · Social Media Awards 2022

Body Modifications 2023 · LONGEST POINTIEST NAILS

FASTEST MOOD CHANGE · People’s Choice 2021

CRAZY BITCH AWARDS

BALLPOINT PEN SET

AP-BIT

PETTY CRIME AWARDS

BALLPOINT PEN SET

AP-CRI

Four vintage-style pens inside:

Voted Bay Area’s · MOST WELL-SPOKEN DRUG DEALER

VAPING ON A PLANE · Sky High Awards 2022

South Florida Regional Awards · ODDEST PUBLIC NUDITY YOUTUBE 2021 Petty Criminals Awards · MOST CHIPOTLE NAPKINS STOLEN

POOR SPORT AWARDS

BALLPOINT PEN SET

AP-SPO

Four vintage-style pens inside:

Adult Charity Sports League · MOST OVERCOMPETITIVE 2022

MOST FAKED INJURIES ON FIELD · Actors Guild Sports Division

Angry Fan Nationals 2023 · MOST HOLES PUNCHED IN WALL

KICKED OUT OF MOST GAMES · Bad Sports Parent Magazine

PROLIFIC SWEARING AWARDS

BALLPOINT PEN SET

AP-SWE

Four vintage-style pens inside: Uncomfortable Poetry Awards · HIGHEST NUMBER OF EXPLETIVES

PUTTING “FUCK” ON A PILLOW · Off-Color Cross-Stitch Nationals

Top Performer 2022 · MOST F BOMBS PER MINUTE

CURSING IN FRONT OF GRANDMA · 1st Place: Toddler Division

“I never saw a set of ballpoints that I didn’t steal!” TOM B, SCOUNDREL

Shit Show Colored Pencils

Who doesn’t love colored pencils? Turn your gray world Technicolor with our Shit Show Colored Pencil Set.

Colored Pencils:

8 brightly colored pre-sharpened pencils packed in a sturdy slide-out box;

7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L. Sold in 4-packs.

“¡Dios mío!”

Most scientists say that the pencil was inspired by the humble writing twigs used in ancient Mesopotamia, while some insist the first pencils originated high in the mountains of Tibet; others still postulate that the pencil always existed, it simply needed to be discovered. Here at Whiskey River, we don’t really concern ourselves with all that history mumbo-jumbo, we’re too busy thinking up comedic quips for our made-in-USA pencil sets.

Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA.

Sold in 4-packs.

Wow... New Display!

Pencil Display: Holds 4 each of 5 styles; 20 total pencil sets.

Size: 7 ½″ L × 7″ W × 10″ H Free when filled with product!

BAD ATTITUDES

APATHY IS A STATE OF MIND · *SLAMS DOOR* · WHY IS THIS MY PROBLEM? I’M NOT EVEN LISTENING · YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE · I’M NOT RUDE, YOU ARE WHY IS EVERYONE SO ANNOYING? · CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES THE COOL AUNT

WAS THERE MORE WINE LEFT? · YOUR MOTHER WAS REALLY WILD IN SCHOOL · LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR DAD LET’S DO A MAKEOVER! · WINE GOES BAD. YOU HAVE TO DRINK IT ALL. · YOUR GRANDMA USED TO BE A REAL “B” POUR YOUR AUNT ANOTHER GLASS, DEAR · AUNTIE NEEDS HER HEALTH GUMMIES

“About time!”

RICHARD M, WHISKEY RIVER EMPLOYEE

CAT PEOPLE

IT’S NOT ME, MY CAT LIKES DRESSING UP · WHAT’S ONE MORE CAT? · SEND ME CAT MEMES SO I KNOW IT’S REAL GRUMPY CAT… NEVER FORGET · DID SOMEONE SAY FREE KITTENS?? · 30 CATS IS A NICE ROUND NUMBER WEEKEND PLANS: CAT. COUCH. COCKTAIL ·  MY CAT HATES YOU

CRAZY BITCHES

DON’T MAKE ME TAKE MY HOOPS OUT · HALF MY PAYCHECK GOES TO MY NAILS DRUNKEST B*TCH AT THE PARTY · ROUND OF SHOTS! · OH, YOU HEARD I WAS CRAZY? I HATE YOU! LOVE YOU, BOO · I’M NOT MAD. · *THROWS DRINK IN YOUR FACE*

DAD JOKES

PULL MY FINGER · THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU · HI HUNGRY, I’M DAD WORKIN’ HARD OR HARDLY WORKIN’? · BOOM, YOU’RE A SANDWICH I’M JUST RESTING MY EYES · DON’T TELL YOUR MOM · NO, YOUR OTHER RIGHT

“I prefer to use a nice, dull pencil.”

THE DAYS OF THE WEEK

CANCEL MONDAYS · IT’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY · HUMPDAY THIRSTY THURSDAY · IT’S FRIYAY! ·  SATURDAY VIBES SUNDAY SCARIES · FEELS LIKE BLURSDAY

DOG PEOPLE

IT WAS THE DOG, I SWEAR · WOOF. · BOW WOW WOW YIPPY YO YIPPY YAY CAN I BRING MY DOG? · I WAS TALKING TO THE DOG, NOT YOU · DOGS, THEN PEOPLE USED UP ALL MY SICK DAYS AT THE VET · MY DOG IS LONELY I NEED TO GO HOME

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

THERE’S NO PAMPLEMOUSSE · MY RIPPED JEANS ARE NOW TOO RIPPED · THIS PENCIL ISN’T THE COLOR I WANTED BUT I WANT PUMPKIN SPICE ALL YEAR · OMG, THE CHIPOTLE LINE IS SOOOO LONG MY NETFLIX WON’T LOAD · IDK WHAT TO BRING BECAUSE ONE PERSON IS A VEGAN · THERE’S ALREADY A NEW IPHONE OUT

“Oh, I wish I were a Whiskey River Pencil.”

J. HENRY, LOCAL ECCENTRIC

CHRIS M, HAS TWO SPLEENS

FUCKING BIRTHDAYS

I GUESS YOU WANT A PRESENT NOW, HUH. · HAPPY. BIRTHDAY. TO. ME. OH, YOU’RE SOOO SPECIAL TODAY · HEY, AT LEAST I REMEMBERED · YOU’RE NOT OLD, YOU’RE ANCIENT YOU’RE LUCKY I HAVE TO BE NICE TO YOU · GO ON. CRY IF YOU WANT TO. · SLIGHTLY EXPIRED

GRAMMAR POLICE

YOU LOST ME AT “YOUR BEAUTIFUL” · *YOU’RE · TO SERVE AND CORRECT THEY’RE GOING THERE, TO THEIR HOUSE, OK? · PUNCTUATION SAVES LIVES OXFORD COMMA TIL I DIE  · OFFICIAL GRAMMAR POLICE PENCIL · SILENTLY CORRECTING YOUR GRAMMAR

HAPPY HOUR

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR · EMERGENCY STIR STICK · POWERED BY: VODKA DON’T TALK TO ME BEFORE MY FIRST DRINK · ALSO AVAILABLE SOBER I SEE DRUNK PEOPLE · IT’S 10 AM SOMEWHERE · BEER ME

“I’d trade my both my spleens for one of these pencil sets!”

INTROVERTS

SORRY, I HAVE EBOLA · MY LEGS FELL OFF THIS MORNING · PEOPLE SCARE ME THE DAMN TOILET EXPLODED · I ACCIDENTALLY DRANK SOME BLEACH · THERE’S A WILD BOAR IN THE DRIVEWAY I’VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS · I’M STUCK AT THE DUBAI AIRPORT

LEFTIES

THE “WEIRD” PENCIL · RIGHT-HANDED IS TOO MAINSTREAM FOR ME THE REAL RIGHT-SIDE UP · I MAKE THE WEIRD SCISSORS LOOK GOOD · SMUDGE THIS! LEFTIES GET THEIR HANDS DIRTY · MORE PRESIDENTS ARE LEFTIES · LEFT-HANDED BUT ALWAYS RIGHT

LITTLE WHITE LIES

I LITERALLY NEVER DO THIS · I ONLY HAVE ONE GLASS A DAY · I NEVER LIE OMG, I LOOOOVE WORKING OUT · NO REALLY, YOU LOOK AMAZING I DELETED HIS NUMBER · I HATE DRAMA · I ALREADY DID MY HOMEWORK

“These look perfect for writing ransom notes…”

DAVE T, DOOMSDAY PREPPER

SUSIE M, EATS PENCIL SHAVINGS BEFORE NOON

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

I’M KIND OF DULL · ALL USED UP, NOWHERE TO GO · YOU’RE JUST USING ME I BET YOU’LL THROW ME AWAY ONE DAY · EVEN MY ERASER DISAPPEARS ON ME · I KNOW I’M YOUR #2 (NEVER #1) WHAT, I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? · NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR LEGAL DOCUMENTS

THE MIDDLE CHILD

HAND-ME-DOWN PENCIL · MATCHES THE HAIR COLOR · ETERNALLY OVERLOOKED ONLINE COLLEGE WILL BE FINE FOR YOU · BUT YOU’RE GOOD WITH REJECTION! YOU NEVER DID LIKE ATTENTION · WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? · NOBODY WILL READ THIS

MIDLIFE CRISIS

BOUGHT A FOOD TRUCK! · I’M SO PUNK WITH MY PINK HAIR · A TATTOO SLEEVE WOULD GIVE ME AN EDGE MY OTHER PENCIL IS A MOTORCYCLE · I SHOULD GO BACK TO SCHOOL · OFF TO IMPROV CAMP! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BOTOX? · SIGNED UP FOR BANJO LESSONS!

“Nothing better than a big bowl of pencil shavings for breakfast, right?”

NURSES

I’M NOT A WAITER, OK? · NO, I DIDN’T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR · I HAVEN’T PEED IN 12 HOURS ON CALL SOBRIETY BLUES · REMEMBER SITTING DOWN? MED SCHOOL? TRY NURSING SCHOOL · I LOOK TIRED BECAUSE I AM · SCRUB LIFE

THE OFFICE

I FOUND THIS IN THE TOILET · IT’S HARD TO MAKE NEW COFFEE · COMIC SANS KILLS I’LL PROBABLY QUIT TODAY · THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID · RESTING STAFF MEETING FACE TRY TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN · BEARS. BEETS. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.

OKAY MOMS

WHAT KIDS? · YAY! CHEEZ-ITS FOR DINNER! · MOMMY’S BUZZED UP · CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE MOMMY ALONE? I NEVER DID MY HOMEWORK EITHER, KID · DOES THIS SIPPY CUP SMELL LIKE WINE? TRUST ME, I’M THE OKAYEST MOM HERE · WHERE’S YOUR FRICKIN’ FATHER?

“I wish these were pens. I really prefer pens. You should prefer pens too.”

JEFF R, LOBBYIST FOR THE NATIONAL PEN ASSOCIATION

RANDI A, WHISKEY

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE

THAT’S SO NICE FOR YOU · *TURNS READ RECEIPTS ON* · WHATEVER. I’M SORRY YOU’RE SO SENSITIVE · I PREFER PENS, BUT THIS IS FINE I’M NOT MAD · WHAT GRUDGE? · NEVER MIND, IT WASN’T THAT IMPORTANT

PROCRASTINATORS

I ALWAYS WORK BETTER WHEN IT’S NEXT WEEK · LAST-SECOND CRUNCH TIME PENCIL · I’LL SHARPEN THIS LATER PROCRASTINATING IS ALSO AN ACHIEVEMENT · I’LL STUDY AFTER I CLEAN · I HAVE TO FINISH THIS NETFLIX SERIES FIRST I’LL FIND A USE FOR THIS PENCIL TOMORROW · MINDLESS DOODLING PENCIL

TEACHERS

IDK, CAN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM? · I JUST REALIZED I DON’T EVEN LIKE KIDS OH YEAH? POP QUIZ, SUCKAS · I HAVE PTSD FROM GRADING PAPERS · COUNTDOWN TO SUMMER BREAK DON’T YOU DARE SAY “WIKIPEDIA” · THANKLESS TASKS PENCIL · DINNER… OR CLASSROOM SUPPLIES?

“Some of my best friends are pencils, actually.”

RIVER EMPLOYEE

“Chop wood. Carry pencil.” A ZEN PROVERB (MAYBE?)

THE TRUTH

I SECRETLY EAT BACON · I DON’T REALLY LOVE YOUR SHOES · I FARTED AT YOGA I’M NEVER TRULY SOBER · I’VE WORN THE SAME PANTS ALL WEEK I THOUGHT PLANKING WAS A FISH · I SPELLCHECK MY SEXTS · YOUR BABY IS UGLY

WRITER’S BLOCK

ADD A VAMPIRE · REGURGITATED IDEAS PENCIL · TRY VODKA KILL YOUR CHARACTERS · LIGHTLY PLAGIARIZE · INSERT COFFEE IV POTENTIAL MURDER WEAPON? · HIT HEAD REPEATEDLY WITH HAMMER

ZERO FUCKS

SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT?

SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT?

SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT?

Prank Stickers

Ah, nothing beats the original. Before we released these babies, life was bleak. But out of darkness came light, and a beautiful sticker set was born. Trusted by pranksters the world over, our original collection of 60 tricky stickers has stood the test of time. Unlike my liver.

Prank Stickers Set A: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. PS-A

Taste the perfect marriage of luscious, ripe flavors of peach and pear with the crisp freshness of lemon, grapefruit, and orange blossom. Or, you know, buy these hilarious prank stickers and cover every object in your life with them. It’s one or the other. We’re sure you’ll make the right choice.

Prank Stickers Set B: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

PS-B

I think we all know that bigger equals better. Ever heard of Texas? It’s an entire state devoted to the concept. And while these stickers aren’t quite that big, they’re still a damn sight larger than any prank stickers anyone from Rhode Island has ever released. And that’s a fact.

Prank Stickers Set C: Two 15-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

PS-C

Ever feel like that new candle you bought’s missing something? Or maybe your birthday card for Aunt Clem is lacking a little flavor? Upgrade that shit with our “Fuck It!” Candle Upgrade Stickers. Available wherever zero fucks are given.

Candle Upgrade Stickers: Two sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

FS-A

Subtext Line Greeting Cards

We all love greeting cards right? And eating straight out of the trash can, George Costanza-style? No, just me? Alright, whatever. Loser. At least I don’t meet guys in the woods behind the old folk’s home. Yet. Thinking of you!

Greeting Cards:

18 different greeting cards with pretty pictures and unexpected subtextual comments. Card size: 4 ¼″ W × 5 ½″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.

AMPUTATED FOOT IMAGINARY FRIEND HOES

ST-PRISON

ST-TOOTHBRUSH

ST-TRASH

Duo Candle Air Fresheners

Know what stinks? Not you! Now that you have your very own candle air freshener to haul around with you, people will quit pinching their noses and running for the hills. Hopefully. You still have to occasionally bathe, you know.

Air Fresheners:

24 different candle air fresheners with scents based on the original candle.

Air freshener size: 3 ½″ W × 3″ H.

Package size: 5 ½″ W × 6 ½″ H.

Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.

CAFFEINE ADDICTS

COFFEE SHOP SCENT

BAD ATTITUDES CYNICAL CITRUS SCENT

CALM THE F DOWN RAIN STICK SCENT THE COOL AUNT JUICY GOSSIP SCENT

CLASSY AF

DRY SHAMPOO SCENT

DAD JOKES

ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA SCENT

DAJ-F

DOG PEOPLE

GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT

DOG-F

THE FAVORITE CHILD BETTER CLOTHES SCENT

FEELING GOOD AS HELL

CK 1 SCENT

FUCKING ZEN COOL CUCUMBER SCENT

IT’S FINE PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT

IT’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY GUM-SMACKING CO-WORKER SCENT

FGH-F MID-F

ZEN-F ITF-F

THE MIDDLE CHILD CRAZY GRAPE SCENT

CLA-F

MOM BRAIN

SOGGY CHEERIOS SCENT

MOM-F

NAMASTE

CALMING LAVENDER SCENT

NAM-F

OKAY MOMS

SIPPY CUP WINE SCENT

OKA-F

OUTDOOR PEOPLE

SUMMER CAMP SCENT

OUT-F

SHIT SHOWS FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT

SHI-F

SOCIAL ANXIETY

VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT

SOC-F

TEACHERS

POISONED APPLE SCENT

TEA-F

THE TROPHY HUSBAND

TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT

TRO-F

ZERO FUCKS

CREAMSICLE SCENT

ZER-F

What the actual fuck is that smell? Who gives a shit. Just cover it up with one of our colorful air fresheners, complete with your favorite four-letter word. (Except for the one that isn’t.)

Air Fresheners: 5 different curse word candle air fresheners with unique scents. Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H.

Package size: 4″ W × 6″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.

WTF Candle Air Fresheners

Amaretto Sour

WTF

CANDLE AIR FRESHENER Whiskey River

Pomegranate Champagne

FUCK THIS. AMARETTO SOUR SCENT

CANDLE AIR FRESHENER

Whiskey River Soap Company

I FUCKING LOVE YOU POMEGRANATE CHAMPAGNE SCENT

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

CUCUMBER-ALOE DAIQUIRI SCENT

FUCK YEAH

BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ SCENT

SALTY BITCHES SALTY DOG

Soap Company

WT1-F

WT2-F

Astrology Line

We consider ourselves the world’s foremost authority on all things astrology. Seriously, we do. And we’d like to hear anyone make a case that our Astrology Line products don’t describe each sign to a T. You just consider yourself lucky we decided to make these suckers. You’re welcome.

Matches: Wooden matchsticks with colored heads to match each glass jar’s label. Jar size: 4 ¼″ H × 2″ W × 2″ D. Strike on bottom. Sold in packs of 4.

Stickers: 2-pack of die cut stickers with soft-touch lamination, packaged in poly bag with header card. Sticker size: 4 ¾″ W × 2 ¼″ H; package size: 5 ¼″ W × 5 ¼″ H. Sold in packs of 4.

Candles: Our 100% soy wax candles. Each lid has a brightly-colored sticker that matches our Astrology Soap and Pencil Sets. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in packs of 4.

Soap:

Each 3 ½″ × 2 ¾″ × 1″ soap has a custom color-scheme and scent that matches its corresponding Astrology Candle. Shrink-wrapped with a clear label. Sold in packs of 4.

Pencils: 8 custom pencils made specifically for each sign. Each set features a “selfie pencil” with backwards writing to fulfill all your selfie needs… we see you, Leo. Box size: 8 ¼″ H × 3 ⅜″ W × ½″ L. Sold in packs of 4.

Air Fresheners: Scented to match our Astrology Soap and Candles. Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H; package size: 4″ W × 7″ H. Two different sides, fullcolor. Sold in packs of 4.

“My evil twin is also a Gemini”

Birthday Cards: 12 different astrology sign themed birthday cards with tear-off affirmations. Card size (folded): 5″ W × 7″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.

Safety Matches to Match Your Sign

CAP-M

TAU-M

VIR-M

AQU-M

GEM-M

LIB-M

PIS-M

CAR-M

SCO-M

ARI-M

LEO-M

SAG-M

Wow! Each air freshener comes with a matching header card.

Astrology Stickers

CAP-K

TAU-K VIR-K

CAPRICORN

TAURUS

AN ARIES

AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME SCENT

“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.”

“Everyone wants to be a Scorpio.”

CAPRICORN

BERGAMOT BOSS SCENT

DBossy AF

DFull-on workaholic

DFluent in sarcasm

“Capricorns are the most intelligent sign.”

- a Capricorn

AQUARIUS

PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA SCENT

DWoke AF

DNew-agey

DSocial butterfly

“Aquarians have the most friends.”

- an Aquarius

PISCES

DRIFTWOOD DREAMER SCENT

DHead in the clouds

DImpressionable

DConsummate napper

“Pisceans are the unicorns of the zodiac.”

- a Pisces

ARIES

AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME SCENT

DExcels at “me time”

DFrequent ER patient

DBorn winner

“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.”

- an Aries

TAURUS

CHAMPAGNE CHIC SCENT

DEpicurean

DPersonal space invader

DAbsolute ruler

“Taureans are the classiest of all the signs.”

- a Taurus

GEMINI

WHIMSICAL WATERMELON SCENT

DGood at behaving badly

DFickle flirt

DDevious mind

“Geminis have the best sense of humor.”

- a Gemini

CANCER

MOODY MOJITOS SCENT

DProfessional introvert

DSecretly clingy

DGrudge collection

“Cancers are the most creative sign.”

- a Cancer

LEO

VANILLA VANITY SCENT

DAlways right

DCharming AF

DEasily flattered

“Leos are the best looking sign.”

- a Leo

VIRGO

OVERTHINKING ORANGES SCENT

DTrivia champ

DSpreadsheet master

DImpromptu party planner

“Virgos have it all figured out.”

- a Virgo

LIBRA

FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT SCENT

DPeople pleaser

DPassive-aggressive

DLate fee collector

“Libras make the best friends with benefits.”

- a Libra

SCORPIO

VINDICTIVE VIOLETS SCENT

DBasic sadist

DDevours the weak

DPower glare champ

“Everyone wants to be a Scorpio.”

- a Scorpio

SAGITTARIUS

WANDERING WHITE TEA SCENT

DClass clown

DCommitment-challenged

DEscape artist

“Sagittarians have the nicest bodies.”

- a Sagittarius

CAPRICORN

December 22 - January 19

EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY EVERY DAY I’M HUSTLIN’ BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART

BOSSY AF

BECAUSE I READ THE MANUAL MY PAY STUBS ARE LIT

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CONTROL FREEEEEAK

Back:

You are in avid pursuit of wealth and power, but are more grounded than a world traveler on a no-fly list. People like you because you’re filthy rich. And even though your source of income might be considered “iffy,” there’s nothing sexier than a bit of danger and a wad of cash.

PISCES

February 19 - March 20

TIME FOR MY SECOND NAP STRAY ANIMAL COLLECTOR WILDLY UNDERAPPRECIATED DRINKS LIKE A FISH

AMAZEBALLS IDEAS PENCIL MY ALONE TIME IS FOR YOUR SAFETY

WILL ACCEPT FLATTERY

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): TOTAL DREAMER

Back:

You have a large capacity for helping those in distress. You are sympathetic to the world’s unfortunate, including every stray animal and helpless soul you meet. People like you because of your unbridled optimism. Might want to keep that in check, though. Collecting parking tickets shouldn’t fondly be referred to as a “hobby.”

AQUARIUS

January 20 - February 18

YOU HAD ME AT REVOLUTION UP FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING SPIRITUAL GANGSTA

POTENTIAL LIFE COACH AQUARIANS ARE SECRETLY SMARTER

BFF COLLECTOR

ENIGMATIC BUT ALSO DRUNK

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WOKE AF

Back:

You have a deep understanding of human nature and would excel at writing straight-to-DVD chick flicks. Your desire to save the whole planet keeps you mindful of doing real work for the people. That said, you’re mostly valued for your non-stop partying and unstoppable quest to obtain the latest everything.

ARIES

March 21 - April 19

I COULD’VE EASILY GONE PRO FIGHT ME

I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING FOR MY NEXT TRICK... NEAR PERFECTION

UNFINISHED PROJECTS PENCIL WROTE THE 1ST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): 100%

Back:

You are a natural competitor with very little patience for whiners. You’re a doer, not a dreamer and are not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. People like you because you look hot in shorts. This is the year to take your shower singing act on the road.

AQU-P ARI-P

TAURUS

April 20 - May 20

INFLEXIBLE BECAUSE I’M RIGHT WHO WERE YOU JUST TEXTING?

I NEED MORE MIDDLE FINGERS

I HEARD THERE WOULD BE CAKE JUST CALL ME DICTATOR FOR SHORT TREAT YO’SELF IS ON MY FAMILY CREST

CHAMPAGNE GOES WITH EVERYTHING

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CLASSY AF

Back:

You are extremely reliable and protective of loved ones. Both loyal and committed, you have a stick-to-itive-ness that others admire and you ensure there’s never a single drop left in the bottle of Dom Perignon. People like you because you appreciate the finer things in life and can party hard without a single hair out of place.

CANCER

June 21 - July 22

CANCERS HAVE ALL THE FEELS PROFESSIONAL INTROVERT

I’M FINE!

NO OFFENSE, I JUST DON’T LIKE PEOPLE

I’M STABBING YOU IN MY MIND

BECAUSE I ONLY NEED ONE FRIEND I’M JUST GONNA STAY HOME TONIGHT

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): GHOSTING MASTER

Back:

You’re no stranger to thumb-sucking, but you’re not a total pushover, either. It’s just that you have all those FEELINGS and it sometimes makes you need hugs more than most.

People like you as much for your creativity as they do for your desire to day drink under an afghan and watch Snapped marathons with your bestie.

GEMINI

May 21 - June 20

VODKA IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL I MADE MEMES BEFORE IT WAS COOL I DON’T WANT TO GOSSIP, BUT... WAIT TIL YOU MEET MY OTHER PERSONALITY

I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID 10 MINS AGO GEMINIS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES I’M NOT SUPERFICIAL, JUST REALLY INTO LOOKS

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WORLD CLASS FLIRT

Back:

You are a natural flirt and tend to seek out mentors in the form of wise-ish (and sexy) bartenders. In terms of introvert and extrovert, you tend to swing both ways, depending on the day… or cocktail. And even though you’ve been called “out there” on more than one occasion, people like you because you’re the good kind of crazy.

LEO

July 23 - August 22

LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!

BUT LET’S GET BACK TO ME DID SOMEONE SAY JELLO SHOTS? LEOS HAVE THE MOST STALKERS EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES ME SPOON-FEED ME COMPLIMENTS MY AURA SHOOTS RAINBOWS & GLITTER

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): HELLO GORGEOUS

Back:

You are extremely charismatic and irresistible to most everyone you meet. You are generally the only person in the room who counts—and you know it. It’s not your fault you were born for such greatness. People like you almost as much as you like you.

TAU-P

CAR-P

GEM-P

LEO-P

VIRGO

August 23 - September 22

I COUGHED NOW I’M DEAD LIST-MAKING PENCIL LET ME OVERTHINK THAT THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF ME I EXCEL IN RANDOM WORST-CASE SCENARIOS SCHEDULING AN IMPROMPTU PARTY! VIRGOS FOLD TOWELS PERFECTLY

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): NOBODY’S PERFECT (EXCEPT VIRGOS)

Back:

You are cautious and careful when sober, and tend to only let loose during pre-planned events. You have a firm grasp on the number of drinks both you and anyone else has ever had, and prefer to be in charge of the designated driver list. People like you because you look like a sexy professor and always have all the answers.

SCORPIO

October 23 - November 21

CHECKMATE.

WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? REVENGE IS BEST SERVED CONSTANTLY TWIRLING MY INVISIBLE MOUSTACHE EVIL MASTERMIND BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER PROFESSIONAL STALKER

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): FIERCE AF

Back:

You are passionate and fierce and do not suffer fools gladly. You have the ambiance and appeal of a leather-clad supervillain and tend to keep your own entourage in tow. People like you because you always have the best ideas for revenge.

LIBRA

September 23 - October 22

THANKS FOR NOTHING

I’M SORRY I SAY SORRY ALL THE TIME

I’M DATING SOMEONE BUT WE CAN TEXT IT’S NO PROBLEM!!!! EASILY DISTRACTED...

WHY CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG? PRETTY PETTY, BUT STILL PRETTY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): ADORABLE AF

Back:

You’re a lover of art and all things beautiful and intellectual. That’s why you always date hotties with graduate degrees. Not one to enjoy alone time, you are at your best when in a solid relationship, or at least a decent one-night stand. People like you because you tend to agree with everything.

SAGITTARIUS

November 22 - December 21

I EXIST, THEREFORE TACOS

VOTED MOST LIKELY TO LIVE IN A TENT LOL WHY R U SO SERIOUS?

I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE I DON’T DO FAKE RANDOM THOUGHTS SQUAD Selfie Pencil (Backwards): MENTALLY SINGLE

Back:

You are wild and free and enjoy traveling to the far ends of the earth with your band of merry mischiefmakers. Not one for long-term goals or commitments, you tend to disappear in the middle of the night for spur-of-the-moment road trips. People like you because you always have the good party favors.

VIR-P

LIB-P SAG-P

BW-CAP

BW-PIS

BW-AQU

BW-ARI

BW-TAU

BW-CAR

BW-GEM

BW-LEO

TAURUS GREETING CARD

CANCER GREETING CARD

GEMINI GREETING CARD LEO GREETING CARD

VIRGO GREETING CARD

LIBRA GREETING CARD

SCORPIO GREETING CARD

SAGITTARIUS

GREETING CARD

BW-VIR

BW-SCO

BW-LIB

BW-SAG

OldSchool Matchbooks

The Whiskey River Matchbook was first identified from fossils discovered in Amazonian caves and was believed to be extinct until 2018, when a single specimen was spotted in a Nebraska cornfield. While a handful of other matchbooks would be documented in the following years, by late 2022 the species was listed as critically endangered. The prospects for survival were bleak, but thanks to intensive conservation efforts and a very generous grant from the government of Mauritius, the great Whiskey River Matchbook has made a successful comeback in ecosystems across North America.

Display box size:

The Original Matchbooks

Be the envy of your friends and neighbors! Make your enemies weep and your gal swoon with our original set of 16 matchbooks. Perfect for lighting candles, fireworks, and those pesky family photos cluttering up your living room.

Matchbook Set A

64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.

MAT-A

Vintage-Style Matchbooks

Need a laugh? And a light? Look no further than our set of 16 vintage-style matchbooks. Sure, you knew modern businesses were selling a bunch of wacky goods and services, but did you know you could get a hatchback taco all the way back in ’54? I sure didn’t. MAT-B

Matchbook Set B

64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.

Infamous Matchboxes

Step right up and get your very own matchbox. Sixteen trendy styles to choose from! Follow your dreams and attend The Institute of Self Loathing, plan a trip out to National Embarrassment with the kids, or just curl up on the sofa with another episode of Uncle Podcast. You’ll love what these (fake) businesses are selling.

MAT-C Matchbox Set C 48-pack of matchboxes in counter-top display. Made in Japan.

What the Fuck?

Matchbooks

Yeah you read that right. An F-Bomb right at the top of the page, and in bold font, too! We know some people might prefer we censor ourselves, but we all had a meeting and decided those people can all fuck off. Our bitchin’ new matchbooks have earned it, just have a gander below and see for yourself. It’s a fact that everyone loves the F-word these days (except the people we told to fuck off earlier). From the sage advice of “Let That Shit Go,” to the kid-friendly “Don’t Even Fuck With Fire,” there’s something here for everyone and their meemaw.

MAT-F1

Matchbook Set F1

60-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.

Light a blunt & chill the fuck out.

calm the fuck down

WTF Candles

Our 100% soy wax candles aren’t the most polite on the shelf, but as we all know, they won’t stay on the shelf for long. Like it or leave it, profanity is fuckin’ hot. So buy these precious and delicious-smelling pastel candles featuring your grandma’s favorite F word!

WTF Candles: Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours.

Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Net weight: 6.5 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.

VOICE TO TEXT FROM MEEMAW - APRIL 14, 2023 12:08 AM

FUCK THIS. AMARETTO SOUR SCENT

I FUCKING LOVE YOU

OH MY FUCK

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

CUCUMBER ALOE DAIQUIRI SCENT

FUCK YEAH

SALTY BITCHES

WT6-C

POMEGRANATE CHAMPAGNE SCENT

BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ SCENT

VIRGIN BLUE RASPBERRY JELLO SHOT SCENT

SALTY DOG COCKTAIL SCENT

“Fuckin’ A, these candles kicked my ass!”

G. PALTROW, BODY PART ENTHUSIAST

Matchbook Set B Page 62

Hey, kids!

67

WT9-C

SLOE GIN FIZZ SCENT A REAL BADASS GIN MARTINI

FUUUUUCK LIME MOJITO SCENT THE TAINT MUSK MELON SPRITZER SCENT

Uncle Saul here: don’t forget the matches to go with your Taint candle. And remember, always play with fire.

Retro CandlesStripe

Three words: Retro. Stripe. Candles. Need I say more? Exactly. So put down your scrapbook, pick up the phone, and call Whiskey River Soap, ’cuz these beauties are gonna go fast.

Retro Stripe Candles:

Soy wax candle in a half-pint paint can with retro label. Burn time: 40 hours.

Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Net weight: 8 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.

CALM

THE FUCK DOWN, OKAY?

XAN GARDEN SCENT NOTES OF BASIL & BAMBOO

“Wow, what a candle!”

TERRY, BALLOON-POPPING CLOWN

BALANCE AND TEQUILA DON’T MIX

TEQUILA-B12 SHOT SCENT NOTES OF TEQUILA & LIME

FUCK

I LOVE CANDLES

VANILLA SOMETHING SCENT NOTES OF VANILLA & TOBACCO

HOPE

THE BAR’S STILL OPEN

LAST-CALL HIGHBALL SCENT NOTES OF CHERRY & CARAMEL

EmergencyAmbiance Candles

Emergency Ambiance Candles: 100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils. Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns. Comes with “Emergency Ambiance” pack of matches under lid.

Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. 10 different 3-oz. candle styles sold in 4-packs.

Vintage-Style Paint Can Candles

Vintage-Style Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce soy wax candles handpoured into paint cans designed with vintage-style labels . Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 50 hours. 5 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.

FLYING FUCK MIDNIGHT MAYDAY SCENT NOTES OF BLACKBERRY, AMBER, & SWEET TOBACCO

FUCK IT

BERGAMOT, TOBACCO, & YUZU SCENT

PAI-1

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

SMOKED VANILLA & TEAKWOOD SCENT

PAI-4

WHOOP ASS

SUCKER PUNCH SCENT

NOTES OF LEMON & COCONUT

PAI-8

LET THAT SHIT GO

SWEET RELEASE SCENT

NOTES OF CUCUMBER, MINT, & VANILLA

PAI-6

Liquid Soap

Each 8-ounce amber glass bottle is filled with all natural and organic liquid castile soap and scented with essential oils that we hope will encourage better hygiene in bathrooms everywhere. Well, one can dream.

Liquid Castile Soap: Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 6 different 8-ounce styles sold in 4-packs. Filled with organic, all-natural castile soap scented with essential oils.

DAD ORANGE & PATCHOULI SCENT

DOG SALIVA SPEARMINT SCENT

PRETENTIOUS TEA TREE SCENT

STANKY LI’L HAIRBALL PEPPERMINT SCENT

SILENTLY JUDGING LEMON SCENT

I Love That For You

YELLOW ROSES SCENT

D Cheetah print bodysuits

D Kleenex-box prairie dresses

D Pleather pants

SOAP ILO-S

CANDLE ILO-C

NEW FOR FALL Little Brothers

WATERMELON GUM SCENT

D Pocket full of junk

D Mouth full of gum

D Head full of dreams

SOAP LBR-S

CANDLE LBR-C

Working Girls

SNEAKY VAPING SCENT

D Manager clothes

D Reserved parking space

D Dead inside

SOAP WRK-S

CANDLE WRK-C

Shit Talking

RED HOTS SCENT

D Talk shit, get soaped.

D No cap.

D Think you can take me?

SOAP SHT-S

Spite

BITTERS & SODA SCENT

D Pairs well with vitriol

D Washes away empathy

D Is passive-aggressive too SOAP SPI-S

CANDLE SPI-C

Classic Soap & Duo Candles

Best Selling Soap

CALM THE F DOWN

THE FAVORITE CHILD

CRAZY BITCHES

DOG PEOPLE

BESTIES

CAT PEOPLE

STONERS

DAY DRINKING

THE TROPHY HUSBAND

SOCIAL ANXIETY

Best Selling Duos

CALM THE F DOWN

THE COOL AUNT

CAT PEOPLE

CRAZY BITCHES

BESTIES

THE FAVORITE CHILD

ZERO FUCKS

DOG PEOPLE

DAY DRINKING

FEELING GOOD AS HELL

A NEW HOME

D A fresh start!

D A clean slate!

D It’ll be a mess in no time

ALONE TIME

D Do not disturb

D Don’t even text

D Drop by and die

ALWAYS LATE

D Sorry I’m so late

D I had a… thing

D …and now I have to go, sorry!

Mmmmmm...

Smell that? Yeah, no thing except maybe clean paint and a hint of chocolate chip cookie air freshener. No cat pee, spoiled milk, or the unmistakable stench of sadness. So huff on that baggage-free lifestyle for as long as you can because you’ll be back to wallowing in your own filth soon. New homes are only new for so long.

Why are you so thick?

Boy, are you terrible at taking hints. When I started responding to all your inane questions with random non-sequiturs, you didn’t flinch. When I quit looking you in the eye, nada. And when I screamed “leave me the F alone!” at the top of my lungs, you fled the room but went on a texting spree. And that’s why I hopped on a bus to Alaska. Bye!

You know me.

I’m always late. Let’s lose the attitude, fella, and accept the inevitable. No, I will not get to your son’s bris on time, or even make my midnight flight to the Cayman Islands. You see, I operate on island time wherever I am. Detroit. Dubuque. The DMV. Just chill. You’d save yourself a lot of grief if you’d only quit harping on me. And possibly keep from stroking out by age 35.

TRENDY TERRARIUM SCENT

LEAVE ME ALONE TEA SCENT ABSENT AMBER SCENT

BAD ATTITUDES BIG SISTERS

D Oh, you don’t like F bombs?

D Too fucking bad

D Bye, Felicia

BESTIES

D No one else gets us

D Who cares

D Support your local girl gang

D Near perfection

D Knows everything

D And a little bossy

Are you still here?

I thought perhaps my lack of eye contact and general disinterest may have clued you in. But here you are, still standing in front of me with your half-baked motivational sound bites and cheesy grin. No, I’m not going to be a “team player” and be more “pleasant to Tim” and stop “drinking on the job.” What is this, a Cub Scout jamboree?

Let’s unpack this. And by that, I mean let’s unpack everything. I have sooooooo many things I need to tell you since I last saw you twelve hours ago. And nobody else understands my bitching the way you do! We’ve got our own girl gang and we don’t need any new members. So drink up, buttercup. ‘Cuz we’re not doing this sober.

Did you pack your sunscreen? Do your homework? Make your bed? I made your lunch last night before bed in case Mom forgot to set her alarm. Also, I want to make sure you visit the guidance counselor today. Fourth grade is a perfect time to start planning the rest of your life, you know. I can help you, too, if you want. Hey, where are you going? Hello? I made pancakes!

CYNICAL CITRUS SCENT

BOSSY BOUQUET SCENT

GRAPE HARD SELTZER SCENT

BIRTHDAY BLUES

D I never get carded anymore

D And I’m STILL 21. Pinky swear.

D Will you stop counting already?

CAFFEINE ADDICTS THE BOOKISH

D Eliminates other people

D Intensifies imaginary worlds

D Loves words, too

D Good source of the jitters

D Absorbs nighttime rest

D Cheaper than coke

Who you calling old?

Not me, pal. I’m 21. I’ve been 21 for years and I’m not about to make any abrupt changes now. Hey! Put that fancy calculator away. Don’t you know I still shop at Forever 21?

It’s called that for a REASON. Now buy me a shot and shut your trap.

SOAP BIR-S

A real library thief. Kidding. I know you love books and all that nerdy jazz, but you’re no thief! Like that time you told the librarian you “lost” that early edition and she only charged you seven bucks for a newly-printed replacement. Well, that’s clearly on them. And that’s the same day I decided to try reading for the very first time. I was so inspired by you!

SOAP BKH-S

Don’t talk to me before my coffee. I mean it. I need at least a full pot before I can even talk properly. I don’t know exactly how I got here but I’m definitely digging it. Without sporting vibrating knees and jittery teeth, is it really even me at this point? I wear caffeine like a suit of armor. My own personal suit of piping-hot, nutty-flavored, fullblown anxiety.

SOAP ADD-S

CANDLE ADD-C

CANDLE BKH-C

CANDLE BIR-C

SAD BIRTHDAY CAKE SCENT

COFFEE SHOP SCENT

LIBRARY WATER SCENT

CALM THE F DOWN

RAIN STICK SCENT

D Live

D Laugh

D Haha, fuck that

CAT PEOPLE

WARM MILK SCENT

D My cat has an Instagram

D Lint rollers in the car

D Dog people suck

THE COOL AUNT

JUICY GOSSIP SCENT

D Your mom wasn’t always lame

D Here’s 20 bucks

D Wanna sip?

Calm down.

So what if the world is going to hell in a hand basket? It’s like, yoga time. Meditation hour starts now. So pop in those AirPods, crank up the sounds of the rainforest, and reeelaaaax. The Zoom rager starts in two hours and I expect you kegstand ready!

Hairball much?

Your cats are circling the tub, but don’t count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don’t judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don’t leave the toilet seat up. Most days.

Honey, hand me that bottle? Your auntie needs another top-off. It’s been a week, I tell ya. Honestly, coming over to see my favorite niece and nephew is giving me life right now. I don’t know why your mom complains so much, you two are absolute angels. You know, she wasn’t always this strict. You should’ve seen her in high school, oh my lord, she used to…

COOL DADS

CUSTOM OIL BLEND SCENT

D Mountain bike

D Designer hoodies

D Probably hot

CRAZY BITCHES

SALTY MELONS SCENT

D Admit it

D Shit is boring without us

D Facts.

DAD BODS

TOASTED MARSHMALLOW SCENT

D Pairs well with couch time

D Builds unwavering confidence

D Bring me another beer

Yeah, you know who you are. You’re never going to be your father, no way. That guy was so uptight, and seemed a million years old. You’re more the type who “connects” with his kids, can “drop in” at the skate park, and shops at the same clothing stores as they do. You’re simply the envy of parent pick-up. And yes. You’re probably in a band.

Don’t make me take my hoops out. I’m literally on the verge of smacking that cheap face off your head. If you don’t come with me right now to the club and down 14 shots of Jäger with me, I’m telling everyone about that night you spent passed out, face-down on the pavement outside the Sheetz drive-thru window, plain cheeseburger in hand.

Real men have curves. And now there’s no reason to feel guilty! Thanks to an incredible development in the “hot guy” category, Dad Bods are officially in; and 21-year-olds are officially into you. So toss out that kale salad and grab another box of Birthday Cake Oreos. At least when things seem gender unfair, you’re still coming out on the winning side.

DAY DRINKING

MOJITO SCENT

D Pairs well with daytime TV

D Helps pass the time

D Seamless segue into nighttime drinking

DEEP THINKERS

INTERGALACTIC SPACE SCENT

D Dulls your senses

D Heightens brain activity

D Pairs well with edibles

DIRTY THIRTIES

DIRTY MARGARITA SCENT

D It’s all over now

D The beginning of the end

D Goes by faster than you think

It’s ten a.m. somewhere. Honestly, Saturdays were made for day drinking. And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don’t feel guilty about it. It’s exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don’t want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway.

SOAP DAY-S

CANDLE DAY-C

It just seems like you’re comatose. I know you’re really a mad genius, locked up in that head with a slurry of insights and ideas swirling about. Do I have proof? Well, no. But when I often catch you staring at blank walls for inordinate periods of time, I have to believe there’s more to it! I mean, or it could just be the weed. *Shrugs*.

SOAP DEE-S

Potential.

Yep, that’s what you lost when you turned 30. No one will ever give you that easy out again. Face it, you’re never going to be a 20-something millionaire. So now it’s time to buckle down, accept defeat, take that day job, and become an absolute rager every weekend just like the rest of us.

SOAP D30-S

Best Seller

Best Seller

CANDLE DEE-C

CANDLE D30-C

DOG PEOPLE

GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT

D Drawer of embarrassing costumes

D Wet chew toys everywhere

D Cat people are freaks

DRINKING BUDDIES

DOS MARGARITAS SCENT

D Fancy meeting you here

D Just like yesterday

D Barkeep!

THE FAVORITE CHILD

BETTER CLOTHES SCENT

D No.

D I definitely didn’t buy myself this.

D You’re just jealous!

Smells like drool. But you’re used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I’d say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we’re wearing matching dog bone jammies.

Meet me after work? Haha. Like I have to ask. I’ll see you at 5:01 p.m. on our usual stools at our usual spot with our usual drinks. There’s such comfort in rituals. Speaking of rituals, I’m in the bathroom right now Snapchatting you on my fourth break of the day. Only two more breaks and it’s five! Cya soon!

I’m not one to brag. And that’s just one of the reasons

I’m the favorite child. Intelligence, charm, rugged good looks, and modesty. Mom and Dad said they broke the mold when they made me. But I’m not supposed to tell you that. I hear you’re pretty fragile. And that’s why I’m so nice to you! Honestly, you’re so lucky to have me as a sibling.

Best Seller

Best Seller

FEELING GOOD AS HELL

CK-1 SCENT

D Find.

D Someone.

D Who appreciates you.

THE FIRST CHILD

BRAND-NEW EVERYTHING SCENT

D Reduces parental pressure

D Keeps younger siblings out of your stuff

D Is practically perfect, too

FUCKING MEETINGS

BOURBON IN MY COFFEE SCENT

D Per.

D My.

D Last email.

That’s right.

I do my hair toss, check my nails, baby how you feelin’? Yeah, that song had a moment. But you know what? I’m still feeling good as hell! Might be the booze talking (it is), but I think this year is gonna be my best ever.

Of course you get your own soap. And it’s only natural that you should get a candle, too. You were first, right? The eldest. The most important. But you’re also the family guinea pig, the one who is always the most responsible, and the one who must succeed at all costs. No pressure there, right?

Meetings.

The icing on the arsenic cake that is any weekday morning, afternoon or evening. And speaking of evenings... didja have to schedule the WebEx for 6:15 p.m. on a Friday, Becky? All to tell me you’d put feedback in the Powerpoint? Because you couldn’t put that in a fucking email? Ok, I’ll text you all my feedback on Saturday at dawn.

SOAP FME-S

CANDLE FME-C

FUCKING ZEN

COOL CUCUMBER SCENT

D Mindful shit

D Some fucking meditation

D Probably a nap Om.

I don’t get it. I’ve been sitting here raking the litter box for the last two hours and I don’t feel anything but annoyed, and frankly, a little nauseous. Whoever said zen gardens are meditative and spiritually healing never met my cat, Bill the Shitter. Yeah, I know. I could buy a “real” zen garden but that would cut into my beer money. And that shit ain’t happening.

THE FUN UNCLE

BLACK ICE SCENT

D Illegal fireworks

D Red Bull

D Don’t tell your parents

GETTIN’ LIT

UMBRELLA DRINKS SCENT

D Who cares if it’s only Tuesday

D It’ll break up the week

D Let’s do this

“Hey, beer me!”

Just a little something my uncle would’ve said between shouting obscenities at the refs for “cheating” and the other kids for “being morons” at my Little League games growing up. Sure, he always got ejected in the end, but damn, those were the days…

Wait, what’s today?

Oh, hahaha. Like I care. What’re we doing for lunch? Because I just found this adorable little bottle of mezcal under my car seat. That, plus a can of La Croix, and we’re in business! The lunch business, I mean. I do have to get back by 3 for a video conference on “User Engagement Post-Snapchat.” Whatever that means.

GRAMMAR POLICE

JELLY

D Your/you’re

D Their/there/they’re

D Things I’ve just learned since Facebook

INTROVERTS

D Great solo activity

D Respects your space

D Won’t ask you to an event

IT’S FINE

D Whatever

D I’m not mad

D It’s fine

Smells annoying. Wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re, thanks to Facebook trolls. Welcome to the club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about everyone else’s grammatical errors. Trust me, you’re still making some.

SOAP GRA-S

People suck. That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your vintage stuffed animal collection. But even enjoying your own company requires some ambiance. Ideally from this candle in a non-confrontational ocean blue.

SOAP INT-S

No, really. It’s fine. I’m totally not going to write anything for this soap. It’s fine. I’m sure you’re fine with that. Totally fine. I mean, you only offered me a glass of lukewarm tap water when I came to your party. So it’s fine. Not payback or anything. I’m fine.

SOAP ITF-S

CANDLE ITF-C

CANDLE INT-C

CANDLE GRA-C

BLUE RASPBERRY JELL-O SCENT

PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT

DOUGHNUT SCENT

FRICKIN’ TUESDAY

GUM-SMACKING CO-WORKER SCENT

D Wake me up on Thursday

D I’m already four coffees in D Yawn.

Ugggggggh.

It’s been a full year since Monday. I swear I can feel each individual cell in my body slowly dying to the beat of that annoying wall clock. And if Glen in the next cubicle doesn’t stop loudly smacking his gum I’m going to write a scathing note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing notes.

Who let her in here?

Damn, we were all just minding our own business at Trader Joe’s and in stormed THIS walking can of hair spray. She startled me so much I dropped my non-dairy oat beverage! It’s the question that keeps haunting us all. No really, who let her in here?

What goes around...

Comes around, we hope. And we’re not just talking about tricky STDs here, although, y’know, you reap what you sow. Hey! We didn’t invent karma. You put that good stuff out into the universe and you’re supposed to get it back, whether through good fortune, or limited-time, minimum-purchaserequired Olive Garden coupons.

SOAP FRI-S

CANDLE FRI-C

KARENS

KARMA

D Stable genius

D Blacklisted from Trader Joe’s D Facebook fanatic

D Ha. D Ha. D Ha.

SPIKY HAIR STYLING MOUSSE SCENT LAUGHING BUDDHA SCENT

SOAP KRN-S

SOAP KAR-S

CANDLE KRN-C

CANDLE KAR-C

LITTLE SISTERS

LOLLIPOP KID SCENT

D Near disaster

D But cute

D And extremely lovable

A MAN’S MAN

BLIZZARD CAMPFIRE SCENT

D Good for bear wrasslin’

D Doesn’t talk much either

D Will drink you under the hand-hewn table

THE MIDDLE CHILD

PURPLE HAZE (GRAPE) SCENT

D Magnifies misery

D Your sister’s wedding was just beautiful

D Who are you again?

Thank you, *blush*. Oh, sorry. I thought you’d already given me a compliment. I’m so used to them! As the cutest member of the family, it’s basically my birthright. Hey, will you take me to the mall? I heard they’re scouting for child models my age, and Mom says I am the bestlooking of all of us.

Smells like Alaska. Or what you imagine Alaska smells like while you’re watching reality TV and eating Cheetos on the recliner. We think it probably smells like wet bear fur and salmon, or a toasty campfire in the middle of a blizzard.

SOAP MAN-S

Who are you again?

The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you’re in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Ay caramba.

SOAP MID-S

CANDLE MID-C

CANDLE MAN-C

MOM BRAIN

SOGGY CHEERIOS SCENT

D Pants on backwards

D Car keys in fridge

D Baby in oven

NIGHT OWLS

MIDNIGHT ELIXIR SCENT

D Enhances night vision

D Keeps you in bed ’til noon

D Washes away morning people

OKAY MOMS

SIPPY CUP WINE SCENT

D Pairs well with nap time

D Is also tired of perfect moms

D Your kids love you anyway

Phone in the fridge again.

I used to have functioning brain cells, but that no-good husband of mine screwed me over and now I have feral children instead. If I have to hear, “Mom, he’s hitting me” and, “Call 911!” one more time, I swear to the Grey Goose god... Speaking of which, have you seen my double martini? And the baby? Both in the oven.

No texts before noon. No excuses. I don’t care if my house is on fire or if I won the lottery, for Pete’s sake. (Okay, if I won the lottery, you can wake me. But nothing else!) I just don’t feel alive until the sun starts setting. That’s when my creative juices really get going. And yeah, mostly I just play on my phone all night, but someday I will make a real masterpiece, and it won’t be during the day. That’s for sure!

Congratulations.

You’re the world’s okayest mom! I’d get you a mug, but you know I swore off giving gifts years ago after Sue Ellen from high school forgot to publicly wish me a “Happy Birthday” on Facebook and destroyed my love of holidays forever. But let’s face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst. That’s why you’re so great!

SCARY SHIT

CEREAL KILLERS SCENT

D Oh that’s awful!

D Inhumane!

D Pass the popcorn!

SHIT SHOWS

SLIGHTLY UNHINGED

FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT JELL-O SHOTS SCENT

D I did what?

D So THAT’S how I got that bruise

D It was fun, though, right?

D 20% scary

D Always exciting

D 35% scarier after cocktails

What’s good?

I’ll tell you what: gory crime scene details. A list of potential suspects. Neighbors’ quotes. A soft-spoken, baritone narrator. And a surprise ending that nobody saw coming. It might seem contradictory, but going to bed listening to “murder served gently” gives me the most restful kind of sleep. That, or a brand new script for Ambien.

Welcome to the Shit Show.

It’s poorly-produced, but what would you expect? It only took us six shots of Fireball to get here. Tonight, I mean. The shit show of my life needs no lubricant. All I have to do is roll out of bed, avoid the mirror and slink off to my day job to count the hours until it’s happy hour again. And look, it’s almost noon already! See you at the bar.

Unpredictable, but sexy. You have to admit it. There’s just something sexy about an unpredictable person. Excitement. Adventure. Danger. Yeah, okay. The danger thing is a little unsettling. Especially after they’ve had a few cocktails and fourteen jello shots in under an hour. But what the heck. At least you’ll have some good stories to tell come Monday.

SOCIAL ANXIETY

VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT

D I have Ebola

D My hamster ran away

D I just found out I’m a hologram

STONERS

CANNABIS SCENT

D Gateway soap

D Antagonizes DEA

D Approved for medicinal purposes

TEACHERS

POISONED APPLE SCENT

D IDK, CAN you go to the bathroom?

D Don’t you dare say “Wikipedia”

D I just realized I don’t even like kids

I’m *cough* super sick. Otherwise, I would TOTALLY go to your [insert any social event here]. You know how much I love mingling. It’s just that I broke my glass eye again and then I set the waterbed on fire. Silly me, I know. We can catch up later this week... in text.

SOAP SOC-S

It’s 4:20 somewhere... Blaze it! You don’t have to be in Colorado to get stoned; but it kinda helps when you don’t have to buy your grass from the sketchy high school D.A.R.E. officer like the rest of us. Best to keep this candle around for when the boys in blue show up. Its hypnotic shades of green and dank cannabis scent will provide the perfect cover.

SOAP STO-S

It’s a snow day somewhere… But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?

SOAP TEA-S

Best Seller

CANDLE SOC-C

CANDLE STO-C

Best Seller

CANDLE TEA-C

THE DUDE

WHITE RUSSIAN SCENT

D His Dudeness

D Duder

D …or El Duderino

THOUGHTS & PRAYERS

FLORAL INSINCERITY SCENT

D See no evil

D Speak no evil

D Hear no evil

THE TROPHY HUSBAND

TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT

D Looks good on your arm

D Looks good in anything… or nothing

D Jealous much?

You’re a legend. Shit happens and you just roll on. Because you’re the Dude, and that’s what people call you. That or, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino, if you’re not into that whole brevity thing. And you tend to appreciate the small stuff. Like how that rug really tied the room together! But still, you roll on. Hey, the Dude abides.

SOAP DUD-S

CANDLE DUD-C

Now that I’ve said that… I feel pretty pretty good about myself. I’ve done all I can about this dreadful situation. Expressed an almost universally panned cliché and now my hands are washed of the whole business. Cleansed. And now I’m onto something else. Oh, I’m sure maybe YOU have the time to actually DO something, or perhaps, work to make changes, but I don’t. Bye!

SOAP THO-S

CANDLE THO-C

Sup.

See that guy sitting poolside in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon like he doesn’t have a care in the world? Yep, that’s me. Okay, maybe I work two nights a week but I’m telling you, my wife pays all the bills. She’s the breadwinner around here and I’m a-ok with that. You got something to say about it? Too bad. Get back to work, loser.

SOAP TRO-S

CANDLE TRO-C

Best Seller

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

YOU’RE SO VAIN

CANDIED CONCEIT SCENT

CREAMSICLE SCENT

D What the D Fucking D Fuck

D I’m kidding

D I would never call you vain

D Even though you are.

How do I put this?

And how many different ways can I say it before I know you’re truly picking up what I’m laying down? What. The. Fucking. Fuck? And I’m not talking about corrupt governments and the fact that life is just a hologram. I’m talking about those ballet flats you keep trying to make happen. It’s not gonna happen, okay? And toss those wide-leg jeans while you’re at it. You look like a damned clown.

You’re not vain!

It’s a case of mistaken identity. So what if you make everything about you? You’re super awesome, and that goes with the territory. Everything really IS about you. Oh wow, okay. So you just believed all that nonsense? Of course you did. But to clarify once again: this soap (candle) is NOT about you. Okay? Seriously. Not at all. Okay?

None to give. We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. None to give.

Last Chance

These beauties are going back in the Whiskey River Vault come next year. So get ’em while you can. They’ll be gone before you know it.

TRUST NO ONE.

PERFECT TEETH SCENT NOTES OF PEPPERMINT, MOSTLY

RS-TRS RS-POS

POSITIVITY DEPRESSES ME

MELONHEAD SCENT

NOTES OF WATERMELON & CANTALOUPE

Assorted Paint Can Candles

12-ounce hand-poured soy wax candles in paint cans designed with mid-century style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 50 hours. Sold in 3-packs.

DANG! COUNTRY FRESH SCENT

GEE WHIZ OFF-BRAND BOXED WINE SCENT

GOSH DARNIT SILENT SPRING SCENT

WHAT THE HECK MYSTERY FLAVOR SCENT

AW HELL NO

FIG, LEATHER, & TOBACCO SCENT

GOOD SHIT TRUFFLE BUTTER SCENT

UNFUCK YOURSELF MORNING DO-OVER SCENT

Emergency Ambiance Candles

F BOMBS BOMB POP SCENT

100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils. Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns.

“Emergency Ambiance” matchbook included under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

BAD VIBES

HERBAL TEA SCENT

PARTY FOR ONE CHAMPAGNE SCENT

PLEASE STOP TALKING SPEARMINT GUM SCENT

RUDE PEOPLE SALTY CARAMEL SCENT

SUNDAY SCARIES MIMOSAS SCENT

Fucking Christmas...

Gosh, we sure do love the “Holidays” around here at Whiskey River—even more than knocking off work early to go to “Harbor Freight.” In fact we love the “Holidays” so much so that we’ve created a whole line of “Holiday” products for our favorite “Holiday,” the one in December… that “Holiday.” And no, we didn’t just do it for the money, if that’s what you’re thinking.

NEW Order Right Now!

Holiday products begin to ship on October 15, 2023. Orders taken through November 10, 2023.

SLEIGH ALL DAY

RUMCHATA HOT COCOA SCENT

DI’m so clever

DI saw it on a meme

DSlaaaaay!

SOAP SLE-S

CANDLE SLE-C

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

APPLE PIE MOONSHINE SCENT

DParty season!

DI’ll play Santa this year

DSanta likes Bourbon now

SOAP CHR-S

CANDLE CHR-C

FESTIVUS

RUM PUNCH SCENT

DStill watches Seinfeld, too

DIncreases physical strength

DMatches the aluminum pole

SOAP FES-S

FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

MISTLETOE & AMBIEN SCENT

D Helps spread cynicism

D For like-minded souls

D Pass me the Ambien

SOAP FUC-S

CANDLE FUC-C

CANDLE FES-C

GENERIC GIFTS

GARDEN VARIETY MINT SCENT

DCould have been worse

DIt was either this or toe socks

DUSED toe socks

SOAP GEN-S

HO HO HOES

PEPPERMINT STICK SCENT

DHo

DHo

DHo

SOAP HOH-S

THE NAUGHTY

VODKA CRANBERRY SCENT

DSomebody has to do it

DHolidays are a free pass

DIt’s go time

SOAP NAU-S

CANDLE NAU-C

CANDLE HOH-C

CANDLE GEN-C

TBH Holiday Gift Tag Stickers

Two 8-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

Assorted Paint Can Candles

12-ounce hand-poured soy wax candles in paint cans designed with mid-century style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 50 hours. Sold in 3-packs.

8-ounce hand-poured soy wax candles in paint cans designed with mid-century style labels. Candle can size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Burn time: 40 hours. Sold in 4-packs.

Pencils and Pens

Holiday Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA. Box size: 7 ½″ H × 2 ½″ W. Sold in 4-packs.

Holiday Pen Sets: 3-pack of black ink pens. Box size: 6 ¼″ H × 2″ W. Sold in 4-packs.

Emergency Ambiance Candles

100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils. Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns.

“Emergency Ambiance” matchbook included under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

CHRISTMAS KAREN WHITE CHRISTMAS SCENT

CHRISTMAS NAP HOT TODDY SCENT

HOLIDAY DRAMA CRISIS WINE SCENT

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS SALTY CARAMEL SCENT

Less Drama, More Details

ORDER MINIMUMS:

First order: $200 minimum, any combination of current Whiskey River products. Re-orders: $150 minimum, any combination of current Whiskey River products.

PAYMENT TERMS:

New accounts: Prepaid via check, money order, cash, or credit card.

Established accounts: Net 30.

CONDITIONS OF CREDIT:

All orders must be paid no later than 30 days from date shipped. A credit limit will be placed on your account. If your account exceeds this limit, pre-payment may be required. Customer shall pay Whiskey River Soap Company all costs, expenses, legal and collection fees as incurred in enforcing the terms and conditions as allowed by law.

PAYMENT:

Company check, money order, cash, credit card, PayPal, or ACH bank transfers

SHIPPING:

Orders shipped via UPS Ground unless otherwise specified. Freight charges will be determined at time of shipping and will be added to each invoice. All domestic freight charges are capped at 15% of the wholesale order total. All shipments will be charged the actual freight

cost of the order(s). Rates and service subject to change at any time at the sole discretion of Whiskey River Soap Company.

CLAIMS:

Any claims for damaged or mis-shipped items must be made within 7 days of receipt of merchandise by notifying your sales rep. Claims must be supported with photos of product, tracking number, and outer carton.

RETURNS:

Returns are not accepted for any merchandise unless items are damaged or mis-shipped. For damaged or mis-shipped items, a return authorization number is required and must appear on all related correspondence. All returned merchandise must be received within 30 days of receipt of merchandise and be in 100% resalable condition for credit. A 25% restocking fee will be deducted for items received in poor condition and/or received beyond the 30-day return window. Return freight is the responsibility of the customer and must be prepaid by the customer.

PRICING:

All prices are subject to the real object and may change without notice. This catalog and corresponding order form’s pricing supersedes all others. Current prices are effective from June 15, 2023.

A NOTE ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS :

Soap and candles are perishable. Treat them as you would chocolate or a wounded kitten. They must be stored in cool, dry conditions to maintain optimum shelf life. Do not place products in direct sunlight or leave in warm, humid environments like a hot car or a Brazilian discotheque.

FYI:

Some of our candles have slightly revised copy on the labels because silly lines about “lathering up” don’t make a lick of sense on a candle and we adhere to a stringent 20% rule about making sense.

FURTHERMORE:

All our soaps and candles are handmade, so no two look exactly alike. Expect some deviation.

INGREDIENTS:

Some of our soaps contain a few extras, like glitter. The basic ingredients (printed on each label) are: coconut oil, palm oil, safflower oil, glycerine, purified water, sodium hydroxide, sorbitol, sorbitan oleate, soy bean protein, coloring, and fragrance.

A FINAL WORD:

Thanks for reading this far. Now you’re my friend and you can’t take it back. See ya at my next bris. Oy!