Campus Talk February 2015

WWW.MYcAMPUS TALK .cOM FEBRUARY 2015

cAmPUS TALk IS A cOLLege STUDenT’S BeST fRIenD

LeSSOnS In

LOvIng

(YOURSeLf)

PLUS-SIZE MODEL AND AcTRESS HAYLEY HASSELHOFF

cRASh

cOURSe

IN DORM-ROOM cOMPOSTING

TAke A hALLmARk hIATUS THIS VALENTINE'S DAY

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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

cOnTenTS

gOOD

P14

ReADIng

09 Probability Graph: Being

Right in a Relationship 10 Down with Hallmark!

14 Love Who Your Are Today: Hayley Hasselhoff 18 Valentine’s Day for Dummies 23 10 Things You Need to Do When the Cops Show Up 24 College 101 30 Composting in Your Dorm Room 32 The Levels of Douchebaggery 34 How 2 Deal with Superflirts 36 Celebrating the Softer Side of College 59 Idiot Test P09

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campus talk | february 2015

P30 P23

P18

P32

P10

P34

Totally useless fact: A bull can inseminate 300 cows from one single ejaculation.

BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

fOR YOUR enTeRTAInmenT Valentine’s Day Gifts 21 No PDA Zone 38 Beauty Reviews 39 Guess What Happens Next 41 Fitness Accessories & Equipment 43 How Do You Pronounce “Crayon”?

44 Book Review: FU Haiku 46 Mind Games P59 47 Sore Thumbs 49 Music Reviews 50 Flicks 52 It’s Business Time!

56 Spot the Difference 16

P41

P16

P36

P38

P47

P49 P50

Totally useless fact: The only nation whose name begins with an “A”, but doesn’t end in an “A” is Afghanistan.

campus talk | february 2015

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WHAT’S ON!

Editors ‘

LeTTeR It may be the month of love…

But not everything is all chocolate hearts and roses. As singles scramble for dates and couples conjure up their best attempt for gifts, Spring Semester hits full swing with midterms hanging dauntingly in the foreseeable future. The pressure may seem heavy at times, but remember to take a deep breath, relax and read Campus Talk.

This month, we have enough pro- and antiValentine’s Day discussion to fill even the loneliest of hearts. We sit down with model and actress Hayley Hasselhoff to discuss her career as a plus-size model as well as her transition in acting. Learn some easy tips on

how to compost in your dorm. Get the low-down on dealing with cops, should your party get a tad too wild. If the night-life isn’t an interest, we also throw in some ways to enjoy a softer side of the college experience.

Regardless, of your adventure-preference, don’t let commercialism get the best of you this month. Enjoy Valentine’s Day if you must, but remember that you shouldn’t need a national holiday to celebrate the way you feel about someone.

Daniel Sutphin

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF LAUREN DOUGLASS

CONTENT EDITOR DANIEL SUTPHIN

ART DIRECTOR DANIEL TIDBURY

GRAPHIC DESIGN JANE DOMINGUEZ DANIEL TIDBURY

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS MARC DOUGLASS LAUREN DOUGLASS DANIEL SUTPHIN KELLY HERMAN BRIAN HODGES JOHN SCHECK SARAH G. MASON MIKE CAPSHAW KIRSTEN NEILSEN ELIZABETH PUTFARK

FASHION FEATURES DANIELLE BOUDREA

SPECIAL PROJECTS JENNA HERMAN

If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!!

You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.

NIGHTLIFE PAPARAZZI JASON FRANKENFIELD

PROMOTIONS AMANDA LILES KAREN JONES ANNMARIE DEFEO GEORGIA SUMMERVILLE

DIRECTOR OF ADVERTISING SHANE HOWELL shane@whpinc.com

LEGAL COUNSEL GARY EDINGER

DISTRIBUTED BY STREET TEAMS, INC.

PRESIDENT OF OPERATIONS

MARc DOUGLASS

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8

Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.

campus talk | february 2015

Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.”

Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental.

Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: When a Hawaiian woman wears a flower over her left ear, it means that she is not available.

THE WRONG SIDE OF LOVE!

Probability Of Being Right In A Relationship You always thought you were so smart. Then you got into a relationship and suddenly your keen sense and intelligence went to crap. What happened? We think we’ve got it figured out.

Check the graph and see for yourself …

100% 90%

PROBABILITY!

80% 70% 60% 50% 40% 30% 20% 10% 0%

SINGLE

DATING

RELATIONSHIP

ENGAGED

MARRIED

STATUS! Totally useless fact: The “save” icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

campus talk | february 2015

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campus talk | february 2015

I say, screw that!

Here are some ideas for couples and singles that are a little more in line with what this holiday is supposed to be about – love!

For a holiday that is supposed to be all about love, Valentine’s Day sure does have a lot of haters. And why shouldn’t it? For singles, it’s the ultimate “What, no date? How hideous am I!?!” And for couples, it’s a day when a dude is supposed to get his honey a bouquet of roses, a box of candy (that’s been in the back room of the grocery store since last V-Day) and drop tons of cash (that he doesn’t have) on crap the girl knows he bought 17 seconds earlier before going to an overpriced and overcrowded restaurant.

Hallmark!

with

Down

By Lisa Echtenkamp

IDEAS FOR V-DAY THAT MAKE NO ONE FEEL BAD OR BROKE!

down with hallmark

Totally useless fact: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Totally useless fact: The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Give her a wrapped picture of the two of you in an inexpensive frame.

For an added bonus,

first date at a movie, have the clue in the lobby, and avoid making her shout around in a darkened theater.

Embarrassment is not a turn-on.

• Don’t make it difficult. If you had your

her all tired out.

• Don’t make it too long. You don’t want

Some other tips:

are waiting in bed with the TV on.

Tip: It loses its romantic potential if you

Guys: This takes some planning ahead.

A theme could be “Hideous and cheesy Valentine’s gifts we’d be kind of pissed and offended if we actually received from a guy.” This can be as PG or raunchy as you like, with the shopping expeditions being at Wal-Mart or your local gag store.

For the singles: Plan a white elephant gift exchange with other single pals.

down with hallmark

You pick out a recipe, you do the shopping, and you do the cooking. Try setting a pretty table with place settings, a vase of wildflowers and long candles.

And for dessert, try making something that you can do together, like making S’mores or ice cream sundaes.

No… this does not mean that you get her a bowl and she cooks the meal.

Guys: Plan a scavenger hunt around the

city with different places that have had significance in your relationship. Tie a note to a fave flower of hers at each location leading her to the next spot. Be at the end with a giftie or the meal mentioned earlier.

For the couples: Cook her a yummy meal!

For the couples: Send her on a scavenger hunt!

Now, go forth and get some lovin’!

Armed with these ideas, you can turn this night into a fun occasion not to be dreaded the next time February rolls around.

Hold a competition of who can collect the most phone numbers from other guys. Been eyeing that hottie in the carefully-crafted tee? Now’s the time to get his number!

If he’s at the bar on this most odious of nights, he is surely single. If he isn’t, he will be soon. As a bonus, V-Day makes a prime hook-up night.

For the singles: Plan a pub crawl with a group of other single chicas.

IDEAS FOR V-DAY THAT MAKE NO ONE FEEL BAD OR BROKE!

campus talk | february 2015

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BODY POSITIVITY

INTERVIEW BY LAUREN DOUGLASS

LOve whO YOU ARe

TODAY An interview with Hayley Hasselhoff With style, grace and charisma, Hayley Hasselhoff has taken the fashion world by storm. She’s been spotted in Cosmopolitan, Seventeen and Teen Vogue Magazine, wearing today’s hottest fashions in true-to-life style. Now, as a model and actress, Hasselhoff uses her platform to promote positive body image among women and youth worldwide.

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campus talk | february 2015

BODY POSITVITY

whAT mAkeS PLUS SIZe mODeLIng UnIQUe? With plus-size modeling, designers are wanting to give their consumers the complete, consummate truth. Of every shoot I’ve ever been on, I’ve never been airbrushed. I mean, they might use it in an obvious effort to make you look more put together, but it’s never body morphing. It’s very much about appreciating your curves for what they are. When designers and companies book someone, they want them to be that true size.

Right now there’s a big plus-size moment, even on the runway, which is really quite beautiful. I think we’re just starting to find our niche in the industry through runway and the trade shows that are happening all around the world. It’s slowly but surely taking the right path to make an empire in the fashion industry. hOw DO YOU mAInTAIn A POSITIve SeLf-ImAge, BecAUSe I’m SURe YOU STRUggLe JUST AS eveRYOne eLSe DOeS wITh TheIR ImAge! hOw DO YOU InTeRnALIZe OR nOT InTeRnALIZe ThAT? It’s funny, one day I must have woke up and realized that I’m okay with sometimes feeling bad about myself. I think it’s important to tell women, teens and people everywhere that it’s okay to have bad days, and that we’re allowed to have those days, and it shouldn’t be looked down upon. I think we should have those bad days to get to our good ones. You should have to work through them. I really just live in the now, and in the present.

Totally useless fact: Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

It’s also been a great therapy to be able to relate through my modeling. Being able to talk about it has helped me grow to understand it and to gain this sense of … I don’t know if confidence is the right word because I feel like people use that in a really different way. For me it’s more connection: I have a really great and beautiful connection to who I am as a person and to my body. whAT kInD Of ADvIce cAn YOU gIve TO SOmeOne whO mAY Be STRUggLIng wITh A BODY ImAge ISSUe? That it will pass. When you start to realize your own self-worth, it will change your life greatly. Where you are right now in your life is where you’re meant to be – whether that has to do with career, health or relationships, you need to work from where you are right now to get where you want to be.

I also think it’s very important for people to start looking in the mirror, when it comes to body image in particular. It’s so baffling to me that there’s this popularized notion that when you try to lose weight there’s nobody there, and that your best motivators will be the people who put you down and make you feel bad about yourself to get there. They immediately put you on this crazy workout regimen instead of saying, “Hey, this is amazing that you’re taking this step to get healthy! Look at yourself in the mirror today and love that person today, and then love who you’re going to be tomorrow.” I think that we should be looking in the mirror when we’re going to the gym and thinking, this is a great time, I love who I am right now and I’m excited to see who I can become. campus talk | february 2015

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HEARTS & THOUGHTS

Valentine’s Day

gIfTS

BY JENNA HERMAN

PRecIOUS gOLD DIPPeD LAce heART neckLAce

Make a rare and romantic statement with this heart-shaped necklace that combines the timeless qualities of lace and gold. Produced through a fair trade organization, this handmade jewelry provides stable income for economically struggling or displaced communities of Colombian artisans. The resulting pieces are glittering tributes to the traditional art of lacemaking – gorgeous statements to add to any accessory collection. $42 uncommongoods.com

SUccULenT LIvIng wALL PLAnTeR kIT

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The six luxurious inventions inside this beautiful gift are designed to make the recipient feel absolutely gorgeous, inside and out. Includes cuticle butter, shower scrub, massage bar, moisturizer, bath bomb and bubble bar. This is the perfect way to treat your loved ones to a luscious full-body experience. $49.95 lushusa.com

This growing wall art kit features a wood-framed box garden designed to grow indoors or out, vertically or horizontally. It comes with everything you need to plant the succulent cuttings in the frame with detailed instructions helping you along the way. $100 uncommongoods.com

ceReAL kILLeR SPOOn This hand-stamped, vintage spoon is the perfect gift for any cereal lover who appreciates a clever design as well as the authentic, rustic style of this remarkable silverware. $16 etsy.com/shop/theloosegoose 16

campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: Golf courses cover 4% of North America.

HEARTS & THOUGHTS

chILLSneR

You’ll never have to knock back another lukewarm bottle again. Simply store this set of chillers in your freezer for at least 90 minutes, then when you’re ready to have a drink, take a swig and insert one into your bottle. $29.95 uncommongoods.com

veeRAPPAn Packed with nourishing waxes and oils including rose wax and sandalwood oil, this wax will make whiskery kisses all the more memorable. Use a dab to style your twisted moustache tips, or on a full beard for a softening and sculpting effect. $15.95 lushusa.com whAT I LOve ABOUT YOU BY me BOOk Sweet and personal, this small hardcover book spells out exactly what you love about a special someone.

Complete each page’s fill-in-the-blank responses and simple prompts with heartfelt sentiments and you have the perfect personalized keepsake. $10 uncommongoods.com

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With this drinking horn in hand, your honey can storm the next tailgate party like a Viking. The horn holds a heroic 24 oz. of beverage. It not only comes with a convenient stand, but it is also BPA-free and dishwasher safe. $24.99 uncommongoods.com

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Totally useless fact: The average person will accidentally eat just under a pound of insects every year.

campus talk | february 2015

17

SEXY FRIES!!

BY cHAD SQUITIERI

vALenTIne’S

DAY fOR DUmmIeS

Her birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine’s Day. The three dates you have to remember unless you enjoy getting yelled at and dealing with tears. The birthday is easy. cake, card, present, done. The anniversary is a little more challenging yet still manageable, but Valentine’s Day is the big one.

You mess up Valentine’s Day, you’re screwed, and definitely not literally.

See, to guys it’s just another day when we know to buy flowers. Your significant other may try to downplay it with a “you don’t have to do anything big for me,” but don’t buy that crap. To make sure you don’t spend your Valentine’s Day crying alone and listening to soft jazz! Don’t make these common mistakes.

Let’s first address the biggest mistake guys make on Valentine’s Day: buying flowers. The truth is girls don’t even like flowers. What the hell do you expect her to do with flowers anyways, look at them in a vase until they die?

All buying flowers shows her is that you like to waste money on dead plants, and girls do not like guys that are careless with money. Instead of flowers get her something she can actually use, like batteries or some paper towels. That way every time she uses her remote to change the channel or cleans up someone’s drunken vomit, she can remember that you were thoughtful enough to buy her something useful.

The most crucial part of the night of course is dinner.

You were probably thinking about taking her out to eat at some expensive restaurant where you have to sniff the wine cork and all that, but that’s because you’re lame and don’t know how to deal with women. Truth is girls don’t want to have to dress nice and go to some fancy French place just to have a meal. What they want is the convenience and affordability that only fast food can deliver. Think french fries not French food. Remember Valentine’s Day is special, so go a little crazy and order a value meal instead of off the dollar menu. I mean, I’m not talking about upsizing to a large or anything ridiculous like that, but get some nice dipping sauce for the fries or something, girls love when you do little thoughtful things like that. I would also consider taking your best friend along on the date with you.

That way you and your date won’t get bored having to talk to just each other, because your buddy will be there to tell inappropriate jokes.

After you have enjoyed a reasonably priced and filling meal as well as given her your useful gift, chances are she’s going to be dying for you to take her home for a little alone time. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of attempting to be all girly and romantic. Lighting candles and sprinkling rose petals on the bed will only make her think that you have a thoughtful and sensitive side, and you don’t want to lead her on. Just make it as least special as possible to make sure you don’t come off as being overly feminine.

If you follow these easy steps and avoid making the common mistakes then you’ll be fine, however as a final reminder Campus Talk is in no way responsible for any slaps to the face by fed up girlfriends.

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campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: Until 1994, world maps and globes sold in Albania only had Albania on them.

We’re not

family,

but we’re close. $PNQBTTJPOBUF IFBMUIDBSF JO UIF IFBSU PG 5IF (BUPS /BUJPO

TIDD VGM FEV t GBDFCPPL DPN VGTIDD t UXJUUFS DPN VGTIDD Whether it’s overcoming an injury or prepping for travel abroad, the licensed, board-certified healthcare professionals at the UF Student Health Care Center (SHCC) are committed to helping our patients move ahead in life. We deliver health and wellness care from the heart, to those who matter most — our students.

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CHARTED

HOW MANY TIMES SEQUELS RUIN ORIGINAL MOVIES

SEQUEL IS BETTER ALL THE TIME

STUFF I LEARNED IN UNDERGRAD THAT I ACTUALLY USE AT WORK HOW MUCH I USE HOW MUCH I FORGOT

HOW MUCH MY PROFESSOR SAID I WOULD USE

20

campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: A piece of paper can be folded no more then 9 times.

LOOK BUT DON’T TOUcH

Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxx

campus talk | february 2015

21

OOOH, NASTY!

irty? d e r a s e t a your roomm otos.

h r p e s e h t t u Check o us pictures of you

Think

send Feel free mtoent or roommate ’dtolove to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th

1 Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

22

campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: Between 25% and 33% of the population sneeze when exposed to light.

BY KELLI McKINNEY

10

TROUBLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

To

Things You Need

Do When the

Cops Show Up

at Your House

It’s Friday night and you’re heading to a party at some friend-of-a-friend’s apartment. You hear it’s the place to be, so you decide to ride along with your friends. It’s about one in the morning and you’ve got a nice buzz going when, all of the sudden, you hear a knock. Not a slight knock from someone too hesitant to just walk into the apartment or the confident knock from someone who wants everyone to know he’s there.

This is the loud knock that seems to make everything stop. It’s the cops. When they show up, you know it’s time to leave the party, but there are things you MUST make sure you and your host don’t do before you hightail it out of there.

Totally useless fact: The average North American will eat 35,000 cookies during their life span

1

n playing If you’ve bee own. That’s d it rn tu music, t e reason the th ly ab b ro , p ce la p t rs the fi are there in e moron!

If you reside at th the door. en op t, en tm ar ap it, the wa u yo er The long ing to get go more the cop is less likely e th d an pissed off warning. a you’ll get off with

2

Don’t show attitude to the cop.

One of the best ways to piss off a cop (after not answering the door right away) is acting like you’re above the law.

3

4

Don’t lie. When you make things harder for the cops by lying, they’re going to make things harder for you.

6

5

8

7

When make you do op e drink sure there n the doo ’s r i just a ng in plain not unde , sking rage view. for tr ouble That’s .

If the cop is of the The police can and do opposite sex, don’t try lie. If they think you’re and impress them with doing something wrong, your good looks.

Save they’ll probably say that for another ni ght they saw it happening. at the club. In mos t Many times, they didn’t. cases, this will on ly Those bastards! annoy the cop mor e. e nd you’r derage a down. n u e ’r u cup If yo ing , put the drinking u were ‘just hold p o o y c if a n Eve nd,’ if our for a frie the cup with alcohol in y e sees you going to assum ’s hand, he drinking it. e you wer inking, If you’ve been dr ldn’t be ou sh ly ab you prob lice in the talking to the po tle lit a ith W first place. e likely to or m re u’ yo , zz bu at’ll make say something th dy Bo . things worse off contact e ey d an language ns of tio are good indica ep ke so s, es drunkenn k. ec ch in s ur yo

9

10

Most importantly, if you do get a written violation, next time you decide to have a party, make sure your roommate answers the door so they get stuck with the penalty and have to pay the fine!

campus talk | february 2015

23

UNDERGROUND KNOW-HOW

cOLLege

101 LESSONS THEY DON’T SAY AT ORIENTATION

It would be an understatement to say that college orientation is thorough. The cicerones provide plenty of information to take in, however tough it may be to do so at such an early hour. As honest and in-depth that they try to be, they still don’t cover everything you need to learn, and will learn during your time as a college student.

Alexander Graham Bell said “Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.” Sticking with Bell’s words, here’s the information that your parents, nor the cicerones will tell you, so you can be as informed as possible this semester.

24

campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: The most common name in world is Mohammed.

PLAY WITH YOURSELF

Y R A U FEBR

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: Mount Olympus Mons on Mars is three times the size of Mount Everest.

GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW F FL AK KE K ES S

rs are answepage 73 on

campus talk | february 2015

25

PLAY WITH YOURSELF

STAR MAP

TO PT CRYP E TE UOT QUO Q

R ROSS OSS CRISS RISS C RO

AZE AZE MAZ

R H RC RD SEARC WORD

G HANGE CHAN XCH XC EX NE EN VE VE EVE

26

campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: Most toilets flush in E flat.

YOU SOOOOO cHEATED

Y R A U R FEB FEAR KN K OT O FE

W IS H I N G

WELL

A I AMAZ AZING WH W HER HE ER RE ES E S FR F RANK RAN K? ?

Totally useless fact: 2,000 pounds of space dust and other space debris fall on the Earth every day.

campus talk | february 2015

27

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campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: Each month, there is at least one report of UFOs from each province of Canada.

HAHAHAHA

RememBeR to

A friend of mine who is prone to tell untruths told me that a man from the local asylum had thrown a grenade at him the other day. “What did you do,” I asked disbelievingly.

“I took out the pin and threw it back,” he said.

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

My Mexican cousin once told me that life should be taken with a pinch of salt…and a wedge of lime, not to forget a large measure of tequila.

This could be considered the ideal world for many men: His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties, his mistress in the centerfold of Playboy, and a picture of his wife on the milk carton.

Totally useless fact: 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

Just as I returned home from work yesterday the telephone rang. I picked up the phone and asked “Who is speaking?”

The voice replied, “You are you fool.”

A duck went to a supermarket to buy some groceries. The cashier asked if the duck was paying cash to which the duck replied, “No, just stick it on my bill.”

campus talk | february 2015

29

I GOT WORMS!

Composting

BY BRIAN HODGES

In YOUR DORm ROOm

STeP 6

However much food you throw in each day, put an equal amount of shredded paper on top. Who says you can’t reuse D-plus term papers? If you’re really ambitious, sprinkle some soil in there as well.

(10 eASY STePS) STeP 1

Steal the maintenance guy’s toolkit and drill some holes in the bottom and sides of a 10-gallon garbage pail. Set the pail on some wooden slats for good airflow.

STeP 2

Maintained properly, your compost shouldn’t create any odor but, just in case, set it up near your roommate’s laundry pile. He’ll assume any stink from that part of the room is simply a byproduct of his unwashed gym socks.

STeP 3

So you wanna save the planet?

There’s more to it than just global warming, my friend.

The land, the air and the water need your help too.. Preventing the landfills from becoming so big that they acquire their own area codes is everyone’s responsibility.

That’s why reducing, reusing and recycling should be a no brainer. But for the treehugging college hippie who wants to take it one step further, composting is the way to go. It’s so cheap and easy you can do it from the comfort of your dorm.

30

campus talk | february 2015

Tear some paper into strips and line the bottom of the pail, avoiding glossy print and colored inks. The school newspaper will work just fine, but your copy of Campus Talk should remain where it is – on the shelf in a place of distinction. And shame on you for considering its destruction.

STeP 4

Got worms? You do now. Head down to the bait shop and buy yourself a big ole handful of creepy crawlies. These little guys will be doing most of the work for you.

STeP 5

The real fun begins after your slimy little buddies have made themselves at home inside the pail. That’s when you start dropping in leftover bits of food.

Fruits and vegetables are fair game, as are coffee grounds, teabags, eggshells and grass clippings. Just avoid meat and dairy products… unless you like maggots, in which case go nuts.

STeP 7

Now just sit back and let those worms do their thang: namely eat, sleep and poop. Yes, the bulk of your growing compost will be nothing more glamorous than large quantities of vermin crap.

It seems “Going Green” is really more about the color brown.

STeP 8

Give your wiggly friends some air by mixing the compost around every week or so.

They are, after all, languishing in their own excrement.

STeP 9

It takes anywhere from one to two months for all that food to become dark, crumbly, worm-digested compost. Add this earthy-smelling mixture to the soil of potted plants, give it away to gardeners or just spread it around wherever you see vegetation growing. You could even sell it to your roommate for that “secret herbal project” he’s been growing in his closet.

STeP 10

Go straight to the school paper when you eventually get busted for the illegal hotplate, coffee pot, lawnmower and “undisclosed pets” necessary to make this compost possible. You’re certain to make front page news: “Dorm Room Environmentalist Thwarted

by Earth-Hating R.A.” Composting will get hurtled into the mainstream, prompting other students to “fight the man” with nothing more than a pile of kitchen scraps, a bucket of worms and a garbage can full of dreams.

Totally useless fact: You can be fined up to $1,000 for whistling on Sunday in Salt Lake City, Utah.

DOUcHE FREE IS THE WAY TO BE!

LeveL 1: D-BAgS In TRAInIng

Beginner d-bags are nothing more than impressionable pawns looking for ways to make names for themselves. These younglings talk the talk (like telling you that your hairdo looks like a Chia Pet on Rogaine) but rarely ever walk the walk (like when they run for dear life after you confront them with a closed fist for making fun of your mullet).

LeveL 2: SPORTS D-BAgS

You root for Team X? This guy says, “F you!”

You like baseball more than football? Yup… “F you!” Even in defeat, this d-bag can’t tone down his angry rhetoric. Of course, that could be a direct result of the fact that he has unofficially substituted sports for sex over the past decade of his life. So, really, don’t hold it against him.

LeveL 3: nIghTLIfe D-BAgS

BY AMI GAVARIAN

The LeveLS Of

Every college town has its prominent nightlife, and as a result, its equally prominent club-going douches. You can spot these folks as easily as the drunk, slutty chick dancing on the bar. They’re the ones who reek of tacky perfume or cologne and dress up in black tie attire to go play beer pong at some dive bar.

They’re also easily spotted by the massive sores around the corners of their lips.

DOUcheBAggeRY LeveL 4:

Everyone knows one. Hell, you may even be POLITIcAL one! But one universal truth exists across D-BAgS the board – people detest douchebags.

Ever come across an opinionated assclown

Notorious for their smarminess, rudeness, selfishness and every other ‘ness in the book, d-bags have exponentially grown in numbers to currently occupy over 55 percent of our college campuses. It’s science… look it up.

32

campus talk | february 2015

But what can we do to stop their militia-like multiplicity? Well, unfortunately nothing.

They’re a virus with no cure. We can, however, identify the levels of douchebaggery in an attempt to stave off impending douchedom threatening our loved ones.

who thinks you’re an uninformed idiot just because you don’t share the same views on the national budget and foreign diplomacy?

Of course you have … you’re in college!

These d-bags are like rashes … the more you try to scratch them out of your life, the worse they come back to itch you.

Totally useless fact: It takes about 142.18 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie pop.

LOVE FLIRTS!

How 2

By Jessica DiGiacinto

Deal With

He leans over the bar and smiles at me, and being the friendly girl that I am, I smile back. Then I turn away while he signals the bartender for another drink and start talking to someone else in my group. This is my cue to find a portal to another dimension or any other way to avoid this super-touchy, super-feely superflirt. If I don’t, he’ll be all over me like spandex on Richard Simmons.

Superflirts

These guys aren’t always players or smooth talkers, and sometimes they even make great friends in the daylight. The problem is that their genetic makeup seems to make it impossible for them to play it completely platonic. If you’ve hooked up with them before, things become even stranger because even though you’ve moved on, they act like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

Every girl has one of these guys in their life. And, coincidentally, every girl has to find her own way to protect herself from these overbearing and overconfident man-whores. Follow these crafty and concise methods and you’ll be like kryptonite to any superflirt that crosses your path… or tries to uncross your legs.

The Marissa Cooper “I’m A Temporary Lesbian” Method

When approached by an overzealous superflirt, you must realize that he is after one thing and one thing only. Just like Marissa on The O.C., a little faux feminine attraction could be your golden ticket to freedom from this pseudostalker. If you play the “exploratory lesbian in college” act to a tee, he’ll quickly retreat from that which he seemingly can no longer have.

Of course, the only drawback to this method is that your superflirt will suddenly think he now has a chance at a boy-girl-girl threesome. If that’s the case, you’ve got to try…

34

campus talk | february 2015

The “A Little Help From My Friends” Method

If you’re like most college girls, you go out to bars and clubs in packs. Use this to your advantage when pitted against an obnoxious superflirt trying to cramp your style and your space. One approach is to have your friend play sick and explain to the superflirt that you’ve got to go take care of her. Every guy knows the old “bros over hos” adage works reciprocally for girls. If you can wholeheartedly sell the “drunken friend” shtick, he won’t realize he’s been played until he runs into you and your friends walking out of another bar down the street later that night. That’s when you’ll need…

The “I’ve Been Saved!” Method

When all else fails, there’s only one way to shake a superflirt from his grasp. Yup, abstinence. Not that you actually have to follow through on it… you just need to make him believe that you and your hymen belong to God. It might not help that he’s been stalkerishly tracking you go home with other guys for a whole semester. Nevertheless, the power of the Bible should be more than enough to turn his superflirty style into standoffishness as quickly as one bearded, sandal-clad individual turned water into wine. Either that or he’ll buy you a Catholic schoolgirl outfit the very next day.

Totally useless fact: 60% of electrocutions occur while talking on the telephone during a thunderstorm.

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SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK-N-ROLL? NO THANK YOU!

Celebrating the College. It’s nothing but four years of drinking, partying and one sexual encounter after the other, right? Well, it certainly seems that way for some people.

And let’s face it, it’s easy to believe that the entire world is on some kind of non-stop bender/ orgy. Still, you’ve got your reasons for refraining from that whole scene.

Drinking makes you sick. Frat guys make you sicker. You’re saving yourself for marriage… or at least for a guy who doesn’t think belching the alphabet is awesome. But mostly, you’ve got better things to do with your time. So when it feels like you’re the only person on campus who isn’t living it up night after night, let’s take a minute to appreciate all the positive aspects of a lower-key college experience.

BONDING ACTIVITIES? OVER NICK COLLEGE HAS AT NITE ACTIVITIES? You really haven’t experienced While the rest of your peers are busy doing keg stands, you’ve been getting involved on campus, having a blast with projects related to your major and forging friendships over something more compelling than funnels and beer pong. And come morning, you actually remember all the fun you had the night before. Plus, if and when one of those social events leads to an unexpected hook-up, you can feel pretty confident that the pillow talk will go deeper than, “So, what’s your last name?”

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campus talk | february 2015

college until you’ve stayed up all weekend watching a Wonder Years or Full House marathon with a dozen or so of your dorm mates. Sure, there’s always that one guy who suggests doing a shot every time Uncle Jesse utters, “Have mercy,” but that’s not what these nights are about. It’s about indulging the best aspect of college life: childlike reversion without adult supervision.

No booze or nakedness required.

Just good friends, good nostalgia, plenty of junkfood and the ability to make fun of all the cheesy ridiculous crap you used to watch every week.

DAYLIGHT HAS ITS PERKS TOO

It’s amazing all the things this world has to offer when that pesky yellow ball peeks over the horizon, causing hungover friends to bury their heads under a pillow.

Beaches, amusement parks, parades, museums, free concerts, and local festivals are all best experienced during those scary and elusive “daylight hours.” Even movies are cheaper and less crowded when you drag your ass out of bed before noon. So take advantage of all the entertainment available to people who didn’t finally pass out at 4 a.m.

MOM WAS RIGHT

Anyone who pressures you to drink, smoke, bone or do anything else you’re not comfortable with really isn’t a good friend. And now that you’re a little bit older, you can finally identify these peer pressure Nazis for the colossal tools they really are. Still, for the occasional party night without all the hassle, realize that as long as you’re holding one of those red plastic cups, even the meatheads will leave you alone. They’ll automatically assume you’re a drunken cretin just like everyone else. They’ll have no idea you’ve been systematically dumping that warm flat piss water all over the frat house floor.

Totally useless fact: It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.

CAMPUS POST OFFICE & COPY SHOP

NEED A PASSPORT? We are a U.S. Passport Acceptance Facility Passport Photos taken on­site

By Brian Hodges

Side of

College

CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT

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FREE PARKING! DANGER IS THEIR MIDDLE NAME ABSTINENCE IS SEXY

It’s one of nature’s most hilarious acts of irony: when you consciously decide not to have sex, you somehow become irresistible. No one is quite sure why. Maybe your body language changes. Maybe you emit different pheromones.

Or maybe the recognizable stench of sexual desperation goes away the moment you stop frantically chasing that next elusive hookup.

Either way, don’t be surprised if your little experiment in celibacy brings unexpected wooers out of the woo-work. While your more rambunctious friends are drunkenly grabbing for whatever loose skank they can get, you’ll be calmly fielding an array of potential partners, all just waiting for the moment you decide to come out of hibernation.

At the risk of sounding all parent-like, there really is no denying that a party lifestyle comes with it’s own share of risks and consequences: alcohol poisoning, STD’s, hangovers, suffering grades, date rape, YouTube videos and the freshman fifteen. And really, how many times can you blow chunks in the neighbor’s rose garden before it starts to lose its appeal? Keeping yourself busy outside that scene saves you from those nasty little side effects. I mean seriously, can you name one person who ever got knocked up running for class president?

Nobody’s denying that a little sex, drugs and rock-n-roll can make for some dirty bad college fun. But like anything else in life, it’s all about moderation. Especially when, as you well know, college has the potential to be about so much more. So here’s to college life in all of its glory. I’d say let’s drink to it, but well, ya know…

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Totally useless fact: More bullets were fired in ‘Starship Troopers’ than any other movie ever made.

campus talk | february 2015

37

LOOKIN’ GOOD!

BeAUTY

BY JENNA HERMAN

DOROThY

This unique bubble bar turns bath time into a trip to somewhere over the rainbow with the scent of sweet figs and orange blossom. Create a sea of fluffy bubbles and vibrant blue water in no time for a fun and soothing bath. $6.25 lushusa.com

DIRTY hAIR cReAm

Keep your hair in place and nourished, too! This styling cream is made with cocoa butter for softening your locks and making it easier than ever to control and style, while rosemary calms the scalp. $15.95 lushusa.com

SPAce gIRL

With blasts of sparkles and refreshing grapefruit oil, this is a bath bomb of astronomical proportions. Features the scent of blackcurrant candies and popping candies which fizz and crackle in the water to make bath time like never before. $5.25 lushusa.com

InDIAn hemP & hAITIAn veTIveR wITh neem OIL 24 hOUR ALL-nATURAL DeODORAnT Treat your underarms to a long lasting deodorant which features vegetable glycerin and organic shea butter to soothe and nourish skin. $7.99 nubianheritage.com

LemOngRASS DeODORAnT A natural, organic deodorant featuring antibacterial essential oil and thymol (derived from thyme) which kill odor-causing bacteria. Free of aluminum, parabens, artificial fragrances and any other toxins. $11 100percentpure.com

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campus talk | february 2015

hOneY & vIRgIn cOcOnUT cOnDITIOneR This restorative conditioner repairs and detangles hair while providing treatment for an itchy, dry scalp to make your hair healthier than ever.

Free of synthetic chemicals, artificial fragrances, sulfates, chemical preservatives and detergents. $25 100percentpure.com

YUZU AnD POmeLO gLOSSIng ShAmPOO

Free of harsh ingredients, this hydrating shampoo is perfect for all hair types. Wash away excess oil while providing nourishment for stronger, shinier, healthier hair. $25 100percentpure.com

cOcOnUT & hIBIScUS BODY wASh Easily firm and even your skin tone with the power of natural, certified organic ingredients. Coconut oil, hibiscus flower, and songyi mushrooms are combined to brighten and nourish dry, rough skin. $9.99 sheamoisture.com

hOT JeweLS Choose from dozens of Hot Jewels designs to get a foxy new look. These metallic, temporary tattoos feature rings, bracelets, necklaces and more that you simply apply with a damp cloth. $10 hotjewels.com

Totally useless fact: The name of the girl on the statue of liberty is Mother of Exiles.

STEP RIGHT UP

gUeSS

One Day While Zip Lining …

whAT hAPPenS nexT!

gUeSS whAT hAPPenS nexT: A. The guy’s harness breaks B. He continues down the line C. The guy gets bottles hurled at him D. A bird flies into him For the answer, turn to page 40

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Totally useless fact: The serial number of the first MAC ever produced was 2001.

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campus talk | february 2015

39

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campus talk | february 2015

This unfortunate, but hilarious, dilemma occured at the UK-based Download Music Festival in Donington Park, which zones at an intersection of Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire and Derbyshire counties. Download 2013 hosted 90,000 fans and hosted headliners such as Slipknot, Iron Maiden,and Queens of the Stone Age. Thanks for playing this month’s “Guess What Happens Next,” and remember, it might not be the best idea to zip line at a hard rock music festival.

WATcH FULL VIDEO Totally useless fact: 3.6 cans of Spam are consumed each second.

GADGETS

fITneSS ACCESSORIES & EQUIPMENT

BY JENNA HERMAN

PALmASSAgeR The Original Palmassager is one of the most efficient massage therapy aids available anywhere. Hold it firmly in the palm of the hand and use one, two or three of its round knobs to massage sore muscles. $9.95 roguefitness.com

ROck SAUce Rock Sauce is the ultimate pain reliever

and skin cleaner combination. It features ROgUe hIgh methyl salicae, menthol and capsaicin to DenSITY fOAm ROLLeR provide both cooling and heating Made for massaging muscles and sensations for the best pain relief working out knots, this foam roller possible. $20 rocktape.com offers affordable deep tissue therapy.

While holding its shape and delivering consistent results, the Rogue High Density Foam Roller helps soothe aches and pains to help you get back to your workouts.

18” $19.99, 36” $26.99 roguefitness.com IROn cheST mASTeR fITneSS SYSTem Great for both men and women, the Iron Chest Master was designed to fully develop a muscular and chiseled upper body. The Iron Chest Master Fitness System provides a combination of low-impact cardio and resistance that gets you into the optimal fat-burning zone. $119.95 ironchestmaster.com

DIRTY SOLID PeRfUme

Perfect for keeping in your gym bag, Dirty combines the invigorating scent of spearmint with tarragon and thyme to make for a refreshing pick-me-up after your workout.

Feel great, smell even better. $10.95 lushusa.com

OgIO DUffeL BAg Get organized and get out there. The OGIO Duffel Bag provides plenty of storage with separate compartments, and even features a ventilated shoe compartment and a sweat resistant carry handle. Durable and lightweight, OGIO takes gym bags to a whole new level. $38.99 bodybuilding.com

g-LOveS Crossfit fanatics know that even the toughest man or woman can tear up their hands performing muscle ups, jerks and lifts. These gloves show your hands a little lovin’, protecting them from friction and eliminating tears and blisters. $45 shop.rocktape.com/g-loves

to resist tearing and snapping, but they are highly versatile R: fITneSS 4Pc enough and adaptable to any fitness level for a full body workout.

ReSISTAnce BAnD SeT $34.95 elasticboutique.com These professional strength resistance bands are not only durable

Totally useless fact: There’s a systematic lull in conversation every 7 minutes.

campus talk | february 2015

41

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WHAT IN THE WORLD?

How do you pronounce “crayon”?

2-Syllables: Cray-ann.

2-Syllables: Cray-awn.

Totally useless fact: The buzz from an electric razor in America plays in the key of B flat; Key of G in England

1-Syllable: Cran.

campus talk | february 2015

43

WAYS OF THE RANT

f U hAIkU

BY DANIEL SUTPHIN

It’s the small justices in life that really bring happiness and telling someone off properly fulfills such moments.

Anyone can just mindlessly spew and shout curse words at a person; a real rewarding rant takes style and tact. F U Haiku: Pissed-Off Poetry for Every Occasion is a hilarious guide to inspire and motivate a person to try to put some real effort into a rant.

Authors Beth Quinlan and Perry Taylor put together this handy little book to help readers improve their rants. The compilation of 200-plus rants gives you permission to have a satisfying laugh at the expense of those who piss you off. From spiteful sex and workplace BS to road rage and famous F Us, you’ll find humorous verbal bitch-slaps to any and all of life’s most annoying and abusive moments; it’s almost like therapy, but with an edge. Some of the rants include:

The sign said, “Reserved Parking.” But reserved for whom?

I’m parking here bud.

Politicians are

Low-life losers who can’t keep Real jobs. Vote ‘em out!

Did you say something?

Or is that annoying sound Static? Hard to tell.

You saying something?

Don’t try to wash my Light right over you.

For a cold beer, I won’t get

Never say never.

It, I’ll drink it. All.

When the bank took my house, I Took no prisoners.

Dear Yoga Poser: Twisting like a pretzel is NOT ENLIGHTENMENT campus talk | february 2015

Blah blah blah. So sorry were

Windshield, or I’ll run that red

The next time you call

44

Blah blah blabedy

The first rule of the Road is this: Don’t cut me off Or you lose a trunk.

Hey dude, I don’t know What they told you but I think You’re a big loser.

Totally useless fact: There are 1,575 steps from the ground floor to the top of the Empire State building.

RIDDLE ME THIS!

MIND

What kind of tre#1 e can you carry in your hand?

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

#5

his car A man is pushing en he comes along the road wh ts, “I’m to a hotel. He shou bankrupt!” Why?

1) A PALM, 2) SECRET, 3) A PROMISE, 4) FIRE, 5) HE WAS PLAYING MONOPOLY.

#2

, YOU E M E V A IF YOU H SHARE ME. WANT TO HARE ME, IF YOU S EN’T GOT YOU HAV T AM I? ME. WHA 46

campus talk | february 2015

#3

What gets broken without being held?

#4

Feed me and I live , yet give me a drink and I die .

Totally useless fact: The world’s record for keeping a Lifesaver in the mouth with the hole intact is 7 hrs 10 min.

GAME ON!

Sore Thumbs

BY DANIEL SUTPHIN

The ORDeR: 1886 PS4 feBRUARY 20 Introducing a fictional vision of Victorian-Era London, The Order: 1886 re-writes history, arming humankind with advanced technology to battle a powerful and ancient foe. Myths and technology align as players take on the role of Sir Galahad, a hardened member of an elite order of Knights engaging in a centuries-old war that will determine the course of history forever.

Hundreds of years before the game’s presentation of 1886, humanity de-evolves creating a subset of genetically-altered humans called “Half-breeds,” eventually evoking a war between humans and Half-breeds. A brotherhood was formed through the Knights of the Round Table – an alliance called The Order.

Through the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, The Order is now equipped with powerful weapons to turn the tide against the Half-breeds, but must also face a new threat: Rebels. As their ranks expand, they declare an all-out war against The Order and the government oppression it represents.

evOLve xBOx One PS4 Pc feBRUARY 10 The creators of Left 4 Dead, Turtle Rock Studios, have introduced the next generation of multiplayer shooters: Evolve.

Players take control of the Monster, struggling to fight off a group of hunters in adrenalinepumping four against one matches. As the Monster, players posses savage abilities and an animalistic sense to kill your human enemies. Players can also take on the role as one of four Hunter classes (Assault, Trapper, Medic and Support) and team up to take down the beast on the planet Shear, where flora and fauna act as an adversary to man and monster alike. Players can also level up to unlock new Hunter or Monster characters as well as upgrades, skins, and perks.

Totally useless fact: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

UnDeR nIghT: In-BIRTh exe:LATe PS3 feBRUARY 24 A stylish 2D fighting game, Under Night In-Birth Exe:Late tells the story of a dark shadow that consumes the souls of the living. Players can take on the role of each character to discover their place in the mysterious world. Featuring a GRD Transfer State gauge, the tides of battle can change rapidly, adding an extra layer of intensity.

Players attempt to best one another throughout the match to gain temporary offensive abilities.

DeAD OR ALIve 5: LAST ROUnD PS4 PS3 xBOx One xBOx 360 feBRUARY 17 Marrying its signature fighting style with MMA fighting techniques, this fluid fighter delivers akick for players new and old. Taking on the roles of the cast of Dead or Alive fighters, players must take on their opponents with a myriad of stages available that not only provide a visual backdrop but also play to a figter’s strengths.

As a fight progresses, the backdrop will change and interact with players. With each battle executing a new level of involvedness, the fighters themselves have become more complex in their design. Dead or Alive 5 lets players feel more involved in the action as they see their fighters sweat as they exert more energy. Players can also kick up the competition in online multiplayer modes where fighters must learn to utilize their strength and weaknesses to K.O. challengers. campus talk | february 2015

47

HAHAHAHA

One of the big GPS companies was developing a new feature for their mapping products.

They hoped to be able to allow men to replace the standard voices that give you directions with the voice of their own wife or girlfriend. They felt it would be comforting to hear a familiar voice while navigating new or different roads. Like all new features, they hit some trouble spots.

RememBeR to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

As my mother always said, any married man should forget his mistakes because there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

48

campus talk | february 2015

No matter how hard they worked, they were unable to get it to say things like, “Turn right in 1/2 mile.”

Did you hear about the man who recently awoke from a 30-year coma and the first thing he asked for was a cup of coffee. “Just a little cup,” he asked. “A lot of caffeine tends to keep me awake.”

Instead, the voice would only say things like, “Why don’t you stop and ask somebody,” and, “Why didn’t you turn back there? You should’ve turned back there!”

A rich man booked a journey in a helicopter and was boasting to all of his friends that he was traveling in a chopper.

Suddenly, the pilot started to laugh out loud. The rich man asked, “Why are you laughing?”

The pilot said, “I wonder what the doctor will think after finding that I have escaped from the asylum.”

Totally useless fact: The world record for spitting a watermelon seed is 65 feet 4 inches.

MUSIc REVIEWS

TUne In TURn On PLUg In

BY DANIEL SUTPHIN

mARk ROnSOn UPTOwn SPecIAL Already receiving accolades for Uptown Funk with Bruno Mars, it’s no surprise that Ronson’s fourth LP is landing high on the charts in national and international markets. The musician/producer teams with a multitude of artists ranging from Stevie Wonder to rapper Mystikal.

Where some artists fail when putting together a disc with so much variety, Ronson’s musical know-how keeps the album consistent in tone and feeling as it switches from track to track.

Ronson’s approach pulls together a series of songs for many artists, as opposed to focusing on a singular fanbase. Standouts include Uptown’s First Finale, Uptown Funk and Daffodils.

BOB DYLAn ShADOwS In The nIghT Dylan’s latest work is a covers album with a stripped down approach. With guitars, steel guitar, bass and percussion surrounding his legendary gravelly tone, Dylan tackles traditional pop numbers made famous by Frank Sinatra. The first track sets the tone for the disc, with a song penned by the “Old Blue Eyes” himself, called I’m a Fool to Want You. The classic feel and jazz/big band sound is reminiscent even in the morebasic approach Dylan and his production team took. What follows is a moody, heartfelt collection that, despite being a set of slower tracks, moves quickly and memorably.

geORge eZRA wAnTeD On vOYAge The debut LP from the British singer-songwriter, Wanted On Voyage offers simple songs, that pack a big, joyous punch. Ezra’s vocals are fluid as they shift up the register, teasing a trembling falsetto and a contemporary take on the ‘60s Greenwich folk scene.

Standouts include the upbeat Cassy O’, the laid-back strum of Barcelona and rounded with the grittier Did You Hear the Rain?.

Totally useless fact: In the Philippine jungle, the yo-yo was first used as a weapon.

mIkkY ekkO TIme With an eclectic blend of pop, folk, R&B and Hip-Hop influences, Mikky Ekko is an obvious fan of dramatic, romantic style. Throughout the majority of the album, Ekko focuses on expanding his sound and hollowing out the piano ballad, Stay – a duet with Rihanna and his breakthrough single. Smile kicks off the album with a bit more energy than the majority of the album. The brooding tracks that follow provide a wide canvas with which Ekko paints an airy, but focused soundscape.

Standouts include Mourning Doves, Comatose, and the title track Time. campus talk | february 2015

49

charted

THE PROBLEM WITH TELEVISION

PEOPLE WHO GO TO THE PET STORE

BAD ACTING

DISNEY CHANNEL

PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PET THE DOGS

HORRIBLE SINGING

TERRIBLE PLOT LINES

PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BUY A PET

WHERE THINGS GO WHEN I PUT THEM IN MY BAG

WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN IT SNOWS

GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY IN IT WRITE A FACEBOOK STATUS ABOUT IT

IN A HARD-TOREACH CORNER NARNIA

IN THE MAIN POCKET IN THE SIDE POCKET

WRITE A FACEBOOK STATUS ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE WROTE A STATUS ABOUT THE SNOW AND HOW OBVIOUS IT IS THAT IT IS SNOWING AND HOW ANNOYING THEY THINK STATUSES ABOUT THE SNOW ARE

Totally useless fact: Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

campus talk | february 2015

51

GET THE cANDY! JUPITeR AScenDIng whAT: Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Sci-Fi whO: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean when: February 6 Directors Andy and Lana Wachowski (The Matrix Trilogy) deliver another futuristic adventure focusing on Jupiter Jones (Kunis), a young destitute human woman targeted for assassination by the Queen of the Universe. Although predicted for future greatness, Jones’ life evolves around quit the opposite – cleaning other people’s houses and endless bad breaks. When Caine (Tatum), an geneticallyengineered hunter, comes to Earth to find her, Jupiter’s supposed greatness is revealed, as she is in line for an unbelievable inheritance that could alter the cosmos balance.

e ScAn Th

e cOeD e The

TO S TRAILeR!

flicks

BY DANIEL SUTPHIN

SevenTh SOn whAT: Adventure, Family, Fantasy whO: Ben Barnes, Julianne Moore,

Jeff Bridges, Alicia Vikander when: February 6 The sole-remaining warrior of a mystical order, Master Gregory (Bridges) travels to find a prophesized hero born with incredible powers – the last seventh son (Barnes). The unexpected hero, Tom, lives a quiet life as a farmhand, when Gregory finds him. As an apprentice, he joins the battlehardened mentor to take down an evil queen (Moore) and her of army of supernatural assassins.

52

campus talk | february 2015

hOT TUB TIme mAchIne 2 whAT: Comedy whO: Adam Scott, Gillian Jacobs,

Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke when: February 20 Since the events of their last time adventure, Lou (Corddry) has become the “father of the Internet”. When he gets shot by an unknown assailant, Nick (Robinson) and Jacob (Duke) must fire up the hot tub once again, to save their friend.

kIngSmAn: The SecReT SeRvIce

The LAZARUS effecT (2015)

whAT: Action, Adventure, Comedy, Crime whO: Colin Firth, Michael Caine, Taron Egerton, Samuel L. Jackson when: February 13 Based on the comic book of the same name, Kingsman: The Secret Service follows an unrefined, but promising street kid on his recruitment in the super-secret spy organization. While he battles through the ultra-competitive training program, a twisted tech genius is plotting major threats against the world.

whAT: Thriller whO: Evan Peters, Olivia Wilde,

Mark Duplass, Sarah Bolger when: February 27 A team of medical researchers find a way to bring dead patients back to life. After conducting several successful tests on animals, lead researcher Zoe (Wilde) dies in a lab accident. The team desperately uses ‘Lazarus’ to bring her back to life. Although the experiment is a success, they learn that they may have opened a door to an unfathomable evil.

Totally useless fact: There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

RENT ME! DRAcULA UnTOLD whAT: Adventure, Horror, Action whO: Luke Evans, Sarah Gabon,

Dominic Cooper when: February 3 Noted as a just ruler, Vlad III (Evans), prince of Wallachia in 15th-century Transylvania, ends a period of peace when Sultan Mehmed II (Cooper) demands 1,000 of the country’s boys, including Vlad’s son, for his army.

In order to defeat the Sultan, Vlad makes a deal with a monster that will cost him his humanity.

Small

Screen nIghTcRAwLeR

JOhn wIck whAT: Action, Thriller whO: Keanu Reeves, Michael Nyqvist,

Alfie Allen, Willem Dafoe when: February 3 A legendary assassin (Reeves) comes out of retirement to track down a group of sadistic gangsters that took everything from him.

While in mourning for his wife’s sudden death, mobster Iosef Tarasov (Allen) and his thugs steal John’s prized car and kills his puppy –the last gift from his late wife. He unleashes the killing machine within to seek his vengeance. If that wasn’t enough, Tarasov’s father, and former colleague, put a huge bounty on John’s head.

whAT: Thriller, Crime drama whO: Jake Gyllenhaal, Rene Russo,

Bill Paxton, Riz Ahmed when: February 10 Placed int he nocturnal underbelly of contemporary Los Angeles, Lou Bloom (Gyllenhaal) is driven, but desperate for work in the high-speed world of L.A. crime journalism. He finds a group of freelance camera crews who film crashes, fires, murder and other destruction. With his crew, he pushes his way into the underhanded realm of nightcrawling. As he digs deeper into the ambulance-chasing realm of cut-throat, immoral journalism, Lou begins to blur the line between observer and participant to become the star of his own story.

The DISAPPeARAnce Of eLeAnOR RIgBY whAT: Drama, Romance whO: Jessica Chastain, James McAvoy,

Viola Davis, William Hurt when: February 3 Writer/director Ned Benson tells the story of Conor (McAvoy) and Eleanor (Chastain) as they struggle to understand each other in the wake of tragedy. The film delves into the couple’s story as they try to reclaim the life and love they once knew and pick up the pieces of a past that may be too far gone.

Totally useless fact: Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

campus talk | february 2015

53

IT’S BUSINESS TIME!

Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: NO! Dad: The girl is Bill Gates daughter.

Son: Then OK. Dad goes to Bill Gates.

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill gates: No. Dad: My Son is the CEO of the world bank.

Bill gates: Then OK Dad goes to the president of the world bank.

Dad: Appoint my son the CEO of the world bank.

President: No Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.

President: Then OK. THIS IS BUSINESS.

54

campus talk | february 2015

Totally useless fact: All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Y R A U R B E F S

SNOWF SNOWFL AKES K ES KES

ER W S N A

R H RC RD SEARC WORD

YOU SOOOOO cHEATED

CR OS S CR SW WORD

SUDO UDOKU UDO

E ZE AZ MA S ST AR MAP

G HANGE CHAN XCH XC EX NE EN VE VE EVE

GO FIGURE

FE FEAR KN K NOT O C RYPTO Q QU UO OT TE E

UIP{

W WH HER HE ERE RE ES S FR FRAN RANK? K

CRISS CR RISS CR CRO ROSS OSS Totally useless fact: In space, astronauts are unable to cry, because there is no gravity and the tears won’t flow.

campus talk | february 2015

55

SPOTTED!

FOCUS

SPOT The DIffeRenceS

JAnUARY 27, 2015

wILL SmITh mARgOT ROBBIe RODRIgO SAnTORO BD wOng

Events in Gainesville

Get Out and About!

Feb. 1: Hoggetowne Medieval Faire “Phantom of the Opera” at the University Auditorium Feb. 3-4: “Chicago” at the Phillips Center Feb. 5: UF Symphony Orchestra Concert Feb. 9: “Florida’s Got the Blues” opens at The Matheson Museum Feb. 12-15: Cinema Verde Environmental Film Festival Feb. 14: “Be My Valentine” by Dance Alive Feb. 18: “Mr. Burns, a Post Electric Play” opens at The Hipp Feb. 21: Florida Invitational Step Show at the O’Dome Feb. 24: “Jersey Boys” opens at the Phillips Center Feb. 27: Gainesville Artwalk March 6-8: Tioga Winter Fine Arts Fair

Winter is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260

VisitGainesvilleFlorida 56

campus talk | february 2015

@ Gainesville

Totally useless fact: Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

SPOTTED!

check

LIST

1) HER BRACELETS GO ALL UP HER ARM, 2) HE NOW HAS AN EARRING, 3) WRITING ON SCREEN IN BACKGROUND HAS GONE, 4) BOTTLE IN BACKGROUND NOW HAS A CORK IN THE TOP, 5) HER NECKLACE IS MISSING, 6) CANDLE ON LEFT IS MISSING, 7) COAT HOOK BETWEEN THEM BENEATH THE BAR IS MISSING, 8) HIS TROUSER POCKET IS GONE, 9) HER HAIR GRIP IS GONE

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Totally useless fact: There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

campus talk | february 2015

57

HAHAHAHA

RememBeR to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that I had eaten a 12-pound marshmallow.

When I awoke this morning, my pillow was gone.

58

campus talk | february 2015

My wife went to our local ice cream parlor recently and asked for a vanilla ice cream.

“Hundreds and thousands,” asked the assistant. “No,” said my wife, “just one will suffice thanks.”

A king offered half his kingdom, 1000 kilos of gold or his daughter’s hand in marriage if any brave man could cross a river full of poisonous snakes and crocodiles.

No one volunteered, but one young man jumped into the river and crossed it without any difficulty.

The king asked: “What do you want brave man, half of my kingdom?” The man said, “No your majesty.” The king said, “Then 1000 kilos of gold?” The man said, “No your majesty.”

The king said, “Then my daughter’s hand in marriage?”

The man said, “No your majesty.” The king said, “Then what is it that you want?”

The man said, “The name of the person who pushed me in the river.”

I was caught stealing in our local supermarket last week while balancing on a couple of vampires’ shoulders.

I was given 18 months for shoplifting on two counts.

The son of a powerful politician was boasting in a party: Do you know who my father is? Another guy: Shame on you. You are a grown man and still you don’t know who your father is.

Totally useless fact: The crack of a whip is actually a tiny sonic boom, since the tip breaks the sound barrier.

SMART ASSS!

IDIOT TEST Make a copy of the diagram pictured here… (it doesn’t have to be exact, just fairly accurate).

2: Circle the biggest X.

6:

3:

See the house? It is the purple house. The purple house is one story and every thing in it is purple. The doors are purple, the sofa is purple, the refrigerator is purple (go on as long as you like). Now, what color are the stairs?

There is a plane traveling from New York to Canada at 300 MPH, but unfortunately, just as it reaches the border between New York and Canada, it crashes into a mountain. Where do they bury the survivors, in New York or Canada?

This part of the test involves numbers. You’re the driver of a bus. You stop on a corner and pick up 3 people. At the second stop, 2 people get off and 5 people get on. At the next stop, 7 people get on and 4 people get off. At the fourth stop, 7 people get on and 6 people get off. Finally, at the last stop, 3 people get on and 5 people get off. How old is the bus driver?

7:

See the picture of a tree in a park? The park is located in the Northeastern United States.

It’s mid-winter and there is a strong wind blowing in the direction indicated by the lines.

In which direction are the leaves being blown?

Standing in an open pasture are a Papa bull and a Baby bull, which member of the family is missing?

5)They aren’t playing each other.

6) The correct answer is that survivors don’t get buried, dead people do!!

7) The correct answer is the cow, there is no such animal as a Mama bull, it’s called a cow.

4:

9: Which is correct: Five and four are eight, or five and four is eight?

10:

How many members of each type of animal did Moses take on the ark?

3) The correct answer is: since the purple house is one story, there are no stairs!

4) The correct answer is they wouldn’t be blown anywhere because it is winter and there are no leaves on the tree.

Circle the biggest circle.

Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.

8) The correct answer is whatever age you are, because you are the bus driver.

9) The correct answer is neither.

Five and four equals nine, not eight.

10) The correct answer is none. Moses didn’t bring any animals onto the ark, it was Noah.

Totally useless fact: Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.

ScORING:

Each question is worth 10 percent. Add the parts you got wrong (example, 2 would be 20% idiot), then check your rating below.

0% Idiot: You must have cheated!

10%–30% Idiot: About average 40%–60% Idiot: Did you miss your morning coffee?

70%–90% Idiot: Are you awake?

100% Idiot: Hey, as long as you did your best! Stupid!

ANSWERS 1) The correct answer would be to circle the perimeter of the diagram as that is the biggest circle.

2) The correct answer would be to circle the X that divides the diagram into four sections. This is the same idea as in question one.

8:

5:

1:

campus talk | february 2015

59

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FOR TICKETS OR MORE INFORMATION:

(407) BLUE-MAN

SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY. *Offer expires 12/31/15. Must present a current valid college or university issued student Photo ID at the time of purchase. Ticket is valid and must be redeemed only on the day of purchase. THIS OFFER IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE AT UNIVERSAL ORLANDO FRONT GATE TICKET WINDOWS OR VIA UNIVERSALORLANDO.COM. Offer not valid with any other specials, promotions, or discounts. Excludes all Saturday performances. Sales tax, parking fee and discounts on food or merchandise are not included. Prices, dates, operating hours, and entertainment are subject to availability and may change without notice. No rain checks, returns or refunds. **Includes free admission with presentation of your Blue Man Group show ticket to select CityWalk clubs on same date as your Blue Man Group show ticket. Not valid for separately ticketed concerts and special events. Some venues require ages 21 or older for admission. Valid photo ID required. Does not include admission to AMC® Universal Cineplex 20 with IMAX®, Hollywood Drive-In Golf, Saturday admission to Bob Marley–A Tribute to Freedom or Hard Rock Live. Subject to availability. Restrictions apply and benefits are subject to change without notice. ©2015 BMP. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2015 Universal Studios. © 2015 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 1507868/MLW