Campus Talk March 2015

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BReaKin’ iT DOWn!

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march 2015

The Story Behind St. Patrick’s Day Ireland’s Greatest Contributions Survive Ireland Staying Grounded with Katie Maloney Different and Stronger Too: Annabella Gutman Brew Your Own Beer on a Budget Madlibs 5 Things You Didn’t Know About Stress How to Get More Money From Your Parents 10 Ways to Ruin Spring Break Stupid Criminals

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Totally useless fact: In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

BReaKin’ iT DOWn!

for your enTerTainMenT 22 23 30 32 33 36 38 40 42 44 47 52

15 Things to Do If You Know You Are Going to Fail Killing Time in Class Toilet Time How to Be Really Annoying 20 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate You Know You’re In College When Yoga Gear p21 Beauty Reviews Gadgets Cooking 101 Sore Thumbs Flicks

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Totally useless fact: You can sail all the way around the world at latitude 60 degrees south.

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march 2015

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WhaT’s On!

Editors ‘

leTTer new spring, new life

With spring comes new life and having recently wrapped midterms, a little living is definitely in need. The sun is high and the beaches are warm, so there isn’t any better time to break away from the books. Whether your intended springtime adventures involve being by the water or picking up extra hours at work, CT is there to provide you with some much needed relief and entertainment.

CT sits down with Vanderpump Rules star Katie Maloney to discuss her career and beauty line. Miss Los Angeles, 2014, Annabella Gutman, talks with us about her experiences as an actress and in the pageant

world. CT gets in the spirt of the holiday with a brief history of St. Patrick’s Day, a Shamrockoriented madlibs, as well as some Ireland survival tips. As with every Spring, comes joy and laughter, and what better way for a hearty chuckle than some good ole’ fashion tricks to play on your roommate.

Regardless of how you care to kick off the season, revel in the moment as you set off for the break because as they say, ‘time flies’: it won’t be long before finals week is rearing its ugly head.

Daniel Sutphin

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF LAUREN DOUGLASS

CONTENT EDITOR DANIEL SUTPHIN

ART DIRECTOR DANIEL TIDBURY

GRAPHIC DESIGN JANE DOMINGUEZ DANIEL TIDBURY

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS MARC DOUGLASS LAUREN DOUGLASS DANIEL SUTPHIN KELLY HERMAN BRIAN HODGES JOHN SCHECK SARAH G. MASON MIKE CAPSHAW KIRSTEN NEILSEN ELIZABETH PUTFARK

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Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.”

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Totally useless fact: The earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.

sláinte

The Story Behind St. Patrick’s Day

By Daniel Sutphin

In America, we have a way of taking things and making them our own. The argument as to whether or not this is always a good or bad thing is moot, aside from the fact that we tend to forget the purpose behind the original.

This St. Patrick’s Day, between Car Bombs and chugs of Guinness and cheap, green-dyed beer, one should pose the question as to why we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. There is actually a purpose to the day, no matter how much we bastardize it.

The Man Behind the Myth Bogged down by myths and legends, historic details of St. Patrick vary.

Catholic.org tells of Patrick being born to a Britain-based, Roman couple who oversaw the colonies. Around 14, he was captured during a raiding party and taken to Ireland as a slave to herd sheep. Ireland at this time was a land of Druids and pagans During his captivity, he found religion.

Folklore describes that one night, while sleeping, a voice came to him in his dreams telling him to escape by going to the coast.

There he met sailors who took him back to Britain where he rejoined his family. The voice later told him to return to Ireland.

He achieved priesthood and, after being ordained as a bishop, he traveled back to Ireland to spread the Christian word.

One legend claims that he met a chieftain of one of the tribes, who tried to kill him.

Patrick converted him after the chieftain found he was unable to move his arm until he became friendly.

Patrick preached the Gospel throughout Ireland winning over many converts. He used a shamrock to explain the Trinity, which became associated with Patrick, the Irish and eventually St. Patrick’s Day. He preached and converted for 40 years while he lived in poverty, traveled and endured much strife. He died on March 17, 461. St. Patrick’s Day was recognized centuries later in commemoration of his death.

A Day of Spiritual Renewal Due to St. Patrick’s association with bringing Christianity to Ireland, the Roman Catholic Church in Ireland celebrates with a holy day of obligation. The holiday is also officially celebrated by the Church of Ireland of the Anglican Communion; marked with special programs and a breaking of Lenten fasts.

Many Irish citizens go to mass and spend the evening enjoying traditional Irish food and drink. For many outside of Ireland who commemorate its original purpose, it is seen as a day of spiritual renewal, complete with an offering of prayers for missionaries.

Totally useless fact: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

A Day When Everyone’s Irish (or so they claim) Many traditions have been developed over the years to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, however, not all of them are very accurate.

The act of wearing green is exclusively an American tradition. In fact, in Ireland the color green was long considered unlucky.

Another American creation we’ve so blindly embraced is drinking mass amounts of Irish beer or green beer, which has no historical reference at all.

The dreaded pinching tradition inflicted upon those not conforming to the green get-up was apparently one started by school children. Yeah, school children! But be on the lookout this St. Patty’s because the pinchers are out there no matter what age you are! campus talk

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CallinG all sainTs! iriSh whiSkey

In 1870, the Scottish “whisky” makers flooded the market with cheap whisky made with a coffee press. The Scottish whisky was so bad, Irish American distillers changed the spelling to “whiskey” to help differentiate between their whiskey and the Scottish crap.

Bailey’S iriSh creaM

In 1975, Irish distillers realized they could mix Irish whiskey with cream and a few other spices to create a concoction that would stay shelf-stable for two years. The calorie-laden Bailey’s Irish Cream has been helping make drunk girls chunky ever since.

guinneSS

Since the first batch was brewed in 1769, Guinness has become the most successful and popular beer in the world. In its home country of Ireland alone, Guinness sales top more than $2.5 billion annually. And no, Guinness beer has nothing to do with the Guinness book of world records.

iriSh car BoMBS

By JaMes Davis

ireland’S greaTeST 5 conTriBuTionS To SocieTy

Shortly after the release of Bailey’s – during a fit of drunken Irish nostalgia – Charles Burke Cronin Oat mixed his three favorite Irish inventions to create the Irish Car Bomb. To make your own, just drop a shot glass filled with Jameson Whiskey and Bailey’s into a pint of Guinness and chug. Repeat until she’s pretty. Or you puke on her and she leaves. Either way, you win.

iriSh puBS Irish pubs are the Chinese takeouts of the bar world. They all look the same. It’s as if there’s an Irish pub kit you can buy off eBay or something. Good thing is, with all the continuity of design, you can get equally as hammered at a pub in Baltimore as you can at a pub in Ireland.

They say a man’s worth can be judged by his contributions to society. The same can be said about a country’s contributions to the world. Some countries aspire to be centers of industry or commerce, delivering goods and services to the far corners of the earth. Others aspire to be agricultural hubs that feed the world’s children.

However, few countries have the conviction to take on the monumental task of ensuring the world not only has enough booze to get totally pissed, but that the aspiring alcoholics of the world have standardized establishments in which to do so. Ireland, in the spirit of St. Paddy’s day, we salute you for your alcoholic fervor and invaluable contributions to society.

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march 2015

Totally useless fact: All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20, a national pot-smokers hour.

OFF TO FIND ME LUCKY CHARMS!

By Brian Hodges

Worst-case Scenario:

You’re stranded in Ireland on the most famous day of the Irish year: Saint Patrick’s Day. Do you have what it takes to make it out alive?

WILL YOU PLAY THE

WILD ROVER? MAY THE ROAD RISE (SLOWLY) TO MEET YOU

(How to Use a Parachute) A fine start to any day, you made the mistake of slaggin’ Colin Farrell on an airplane. Now he’s kicked yeh in the clackers and thrown yeh out the feckin’ window. Get that parachute open now before yeh flitters yerself on the ground, laddie!

STEP 1: Down the rest of that Bailey’s you

were chugging before this unexpected detour.

STEP 2: With one hand, toss away your glass.

With the other, toss away your pilot chute – a very tiny parachute connected to the main chute.

STEP 3: When the pilot chute pulls taut, it

releases the main chute. Keep your arms in tight until the main chute fully deploys. Otherwise, you could end up double-fisting with only one fist.

STEP 4: Using the control lines on your right

and left, steer yourself toward a soft patch of bonny green clover.

STEP 5: Break your leg because you had no

idea you’d be landing amongst so many sheep.

(How to Survive

in the Wilderness)

Now yer stranded in the wilds of Ireland. Does yeh have what it takes to make it back to civilization and the warmth of a pub, yeh chiseller?

QUESTION A snake bites you in the Irish outback. You’re not sure if it’s poisonous, but you are three hours from the nearest town.

What should you do? a) Cut two holes in the skin

just below the bite marks to drain any venom. b) Get to town as fast as you

can. Snake venom doesn’t take effect for hours. c) Wake up yeh drunken plonker!

Saint Patty drove all the snakes out’er Ireland on ‘dis fine, fine day!

ANSWER: C

QUESTION You’re lost on the Irish savannah with a leprechaun and no food during a potato famine. How will you survive?

QUESTION You’re stranded in the desolation of the Irish desert with no water. Your only shelter is a burned out shell of a house. Where will you go?

a) Eat bugs for protein, tree bark

a) Start walking and trust that

b) Wait for the leprechaun to die

b) Take shelter in the house while

for endurance and four-leaf clovers for luck. then eat his Lucky Charms.

c) Where are yeh, the eighteenth

you’ll come to civilization before dehydration sets in. you attempt to signal planes with a broken mirror.

century, yeh silly bogger? Kick the little green snapper in the balls and steal his wallet!

c) Quit actin’ the maggot, yeh

ANSWER: C

ANSWER: I think you get what we’re going for here

Totally useless fact: “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

culchie wimp! Yer just in Belfast after a good shellin’.

campus talk

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march 2015

13

CT CHATS WITHâ&#x20AC;Ś

Staying Grounded An Interview with Vanderpump Rulesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Katie Maloney

Rumor, intrigue and infidelity are just a few of the things Katie Maloney had to face on camera this year in Season Three of Vanderpump Rules. Despite so much pressure, the reality show starlet is committed to making her fame work for, not against her, particularly with her widely popular beauty and fashion blog PuckerandPout.com. Here, the Utah native shares her tricks for staying sane while living in the spotlight.

Interview with Lauren Douglass Photo credit: Brooke Mason

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march 2015

Totally useless fact: Almonds are a member of the peach family.

CT ChaTs WiTh…

“I learned how to be more assertive, stick up for myself and put my foot down this season!” grab me by the arm, and that is not how you handle strangers! It’s not OK to snag my wrist and demand I take a picture or take your advice. i would imagine having your relationship play out on Tv opens you up to a lot of advice from strangers. how do you graciously handle that?

I mostly just smile and nod my head. I don’t get into conversation. People think they know the whole situation and that’s fine, because so much of our personal lives are out there (they’re not completely off for thinking that!). I just nod my head and say something like, “Well, you know, there’s more to the story.”

I don’t ever get mad, though.

Coming off season 2, with all its drama, how did you mentally prepare yourself for this season?

It’s really hard to mentally prepare because you never know what to expect. You don’t know whose going to lie, who’s going to cheat – this group is so unpredictable! Going into it this season, I spent a lot of time by myself outside the show so I could go in with a clear mind. There’s no use worrying about what hasn’t happened yet! how do you process letting so much of your life out to the public?

I try not to, actually! (Laughs) I forget how many people watch our show. Of course my friends watch and my mom watches, so I hear their opinions and thoughts on everything.

When I’m watching the really prying moments, I’m always worrying about what my mom’s going to think – not what the two million people watching are going to.

On other reality shows, people can go home and the public doesn’t have access to them. But for you guys, all fans have to do is come to suR. What’s it like having fans come into your place of work?

Honestly, it gives me some anxiety. Some people on our show really love attention, so as soon as they leave the house they’re just ready for it! Not me. I don’t do the show to be seen and recognized everywhere I go, so being at SUR can be really hard. It is seven hours of non-stop picture taking, and it’s exhausting! Sometimes I really just want to hide in the bathroom! Also because we obviously work in a bar setting, people drink and get more assertive. I’ve had people just

so how has your life changed since you came on the show?

My day to day is basically the same. We don’t really have a lot of free time to see people outside of SUR, so sometimes my other friends get a little upset and feel like I’m not making time for them. But they usually come around and understand that it’s not that I think I’m too good for them, it’s just a busy job. Their support means a lot to me, too. This is a weird job to have, and you really need those friends outside the show to keep you grounded.

I think just that juxtaposition makes me seem a bit weak, which frustrates me. Sometimes this season I didn’t think something was significant, but it was to my friend, so I chose to support her. In turn, I was called a doormat, a follower, a puppet and all of that. So I learned how to be more assertive, stick up for myself and put my foot down this season!

What are you hoping to gain out of your experience on the show?

I don’t know necessarily. I feel like I’ve grown and I can grow a lot personally. On a reality TV show, it’s not like in real life where if you get in a fight with your friend, then a few days later you’re over it. Instead, you have 85 conversations about, and then you have to watch it all back again. You get a thick skin, though, because of stuff like that.

I’m not looking to become a professional reality TV star, though. I started a beauty/ lifestyle/fashion blog last year as an outlet to share my interests, tips and tricks. I have a following now that I don’t want to just bombard with selfies and pics of food, so I started sharing things that really matter to me. I’m hoping to make that into a brand that will sell. Maybe Pucker&Pout cosmetics, hair care – we’ll see!

so tell me about the original casting.

What did you have to go through and why do you think you were picked?

We all worked at SUR prior to the show. Lisa called a meeting and told us we were going to be shooting a pilot and asked who would be interested in doing it. She met with each of us separately and it quickly became clear that this whole tumultuous group dynamic already existed in the restaurant. We already had plenty of drama beforehand, so they kind of just went with something that was already there! how do you feel about the edits of the show and the way everyone gets portrayed?

For a while at the beginning they made a lot of us one-dimensional, so you didn’t really get to know all of us. Like Stassi, for instance.

She has a colorful lexicon of emotion and a great sense of humor, but you don’t really see that side of her. You just see her acting like a brat and cussing people out.

And me – you see me mostly saying nothing, which is not like me at all. But I’m put next to people like Kristen and Stassi, who are impulsive and quick to scream and yell. So

Totally useless fact: Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

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15

Miss annaBella

“i’m not going to wait for something to come to me. i try to do as much as i can with my life” Annabella Gutman is no stranger to success – or hard work, for that matter. Her aspirations brought her out of a childhood in Israel to a teenage modeling career in New York, one that put her on the runways of today’s most elite designers, including Calvin Klein. After recent roles in hit TV shows like Entourage, CSI and ABC’s Desperate Housewives, as well as forays into production with her newest film, Dominion, Gutman now takes on a new challenge: rising to the top of the pageant world.

differenT and STronger Too An IntervIew wIth mIss los AnGeles 2014, inTeRvieW By lauRen DOuGlass

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AnnABellA GutmAn

Totally useless fact: Tigers not only have striped fur, they have striped skin!

Miss annaBella people. I love my family, I’d do anything for them. The sad fact is that when you live there, you’re always under attack. It’s something that I sometimes feel will never stop, but I pray that one day it will stop and everyone will be at peace with one another.

It’s a hard too when you’re a kid, being attacked all the time. I literally had missiles flying directly over my head when I was just a child. We always had to watch our back.

Everyone walks and travels by bus there, so we had to be very careful. We always had to be ready to get off the bus if someone suspicious got on because there could be an explosion any minute. It was frightening. And yet growing up, my family gave me the most amazing childhood, and I would never take it back.

I think coming from there makes you a very strong person, and makes you very ambitious to get out of there and make it big. It makes you who you are.

Here the recently crowned Miss Los Angeles 2014 shares the wisdom she’s gleaned from her years in the limelight. From her fortitude and purity, to her unceasing perseverance, one thing is clear: this rising star has learned to thrive outside the norm.

Tell me about your experience in pageants.

Pageants are very different from the modeling or acting world. You have a certain program, and you really have to follow the rules! But it’s nice to get to be you. You learn a lot and meet a lot of people – I’ve met them from all over California, and if I win the next round, then I’ll get to meet people from all over the United States. Then the next round would be Ms. World. It’s very interesting and very challenging, and it’s a lot of pressure. It’s something I think every woman should try once or twice in her life. are pageants something you’ve always known you wanted to do?

Not at all. I’ve been watching models from the time I was a kid, and my mom my loved it because she was once a model. My parents kept telling me I should go and start competing for Ms. California, and every year I would turn down the invitations. Even when I finally decided to go down and talk with the group I wasn’t sure; I kept thinking after my modeling maybe they wanted me to go as a judge! Then when I went for the first time, everyone got really excited and they really wanted me to compete. They encouraged me, said I had a really good chance, then I got to be Miss Los Angeles!

Tell me about growing up in israel.

What was that like?

I was born and raised in Israel. It’s an amazing, beautiful country full of many very loving

how has that helped you throughout your career?

I’m very determined to listen to my parents.

Since I left so young, they were very strict in telling me not to drink or do drugs, to be a good student and be independent, and to not let anyone fool or take advantage of me.

Now, I really feel good because I’ve never done drugs or smoked weed in my life. It means that I’m always responsible and alert to what’s going on around me. Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m the driver whenever my friends and I go out. Everybody’s going wild and getting drunk, and I’m the only one drinking a cappuccino.

how do you stay motivated?

Whenever I get down because things don’t go my way, I always think there will be something else – especially at acting auditions. For me, it’s a little harder because of my eastern European accent. I can’t play the girl next door in Texas, that’s for sure!

Still, every time I don’t get something I just keep thinking positive – I’m going to find something else. I’m going to come up with something better.

“i’ll never stop trying to get where i want to be. you just need to be strong and not let things get you down. Just keep smiling and move forward!” so what’s up next for you?

Well, I’m developing another project that I can’t exactly talk about yet; it’s a comedy, a really unique project that I wrote. We’re looking to shoot before Christmas, but I can’t really disclose more until the copyright is complete! I will say it’s a really unique project – very funny and very different. Something you don’t see on normal movies and TV shows..

I’ve also been really busy in my own life lately: doing charity work around California, modeling work and conventions. I’ve had two fashion weeks – in New York and LA – and I’m also meeting with lots of agents about acting. I just wish I had more time everyday! I never get everything done because the day just goes by!

And I never give up. I’m not going to wait for something to come to me. I try to do as much as I can with my life – follow my dreams and make them a reality. I want to reach out and help my family and my country. I like to help, and I like for my opinions to be heard! So it’s made me stronger, and different too. so how do you handle body image issues?

That’s the hardest thing. “I starred in a TV commercial at age 12, which was actually good because I started to eat healthy at a really young age.” I’m very regimented and disciplined in what I eat – I eat the same stuff all the time! I’m also very active during the day, so I just get used to it. Being active also makes you work up these healthy cravings, plus you have to drink a lot of water.

When I moved here, I was really skinny. I had no boobs and no chest, then when I moved to LA, I became a woman – I’m not a little girl anymore! But I still think I look better now than I’ve ever looked. I love my body – I’m not 90 pounds, but I have a woman’s body!!

Totally useless fact: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable

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17

no parking

Urban axiom #32 The more expensive the car, the greater the arrogance in how it’s illegally parked – to the detriment of everyone else.

Some people seem to think that if they paid enough for their wheels, it gives them the right to actually park on top of a pedestrian, or at least a cyclist – the bottom rung of city dwellers, at least on most cities.

We offer professionally guided tours over terrain that will amaze you.

Our 2.5 hour tour includes 9 zip lines, 2 rope bridges and a rappel!

No time for a tour? Our Super Zip is a hands-free, Super Hero style thrill ride over cliffs and lakes.

Our horseback tours offer an up close and personal view of our many lakes and canyons.

GUIDED TOURS START AT JUST $59

SUPER ZIP STARTS AT JUST $30

$5 OFF WITH UF STUDENT ID

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Totally useless fact: The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser (in that order).

STRANGE BREW!

By Brian Hodges

Brewing

Your Own Beer

On A Budget

And A Deadline St. Patrick’s Day is rapidly approaching and you’re still not sure where you want to spend your evening. You could make your way over to the hot bar or club, only to buy cup after cup of overpriced, overrated, overflat beer like everyone else on campus. Or you could take matters into your own hands and brew the stuff yourself. Home brewing kits, complete with hydrometers, airlocks and bottle cap applicators, are a dime a dozen online (actually more like $100 apiece) and apparently make things painfully simple for the novice brewer. But we’re on a deadline (and a budget) here! We have zero time to waste on the U.S. Postal Service. Time to go ghetto on the microbrew. With a quick trip to the local Lowes and Whole Foods, you can improvise a brewing station in your dorm or apartment capable of producing actual, drinkable, drunkable beer well before the green-shirted masses parade onto the quad.

SHOPPING LIST • Malt Extract (40oz can) • Yeast (1 tsp) • White Sugar (6-7 cups) • 5-Gallon pot • 2-Liter Soda Bottles (about 12 of ‘em) •P lastic Siphon Hose (like the one on your beer funnel) • 10-Gallon Plastic Garbage Can (with lid) Step One: SANITIZE The seedy underbelly of alcohol creation is that it requires fungus to do the fermenting.

That’s right, fungus, like the stuff you get in your jockstrap. It’s up to you to make sure nothing nastier gets into the concoction, so be sure to wash, rinse and sterilize every piece of equipment with bleach before you begin. If stray bacteria get into the brew, it could make you sick, but even worse, your beer will taste like ass.

Step Two: BREW Pour 10 liters of cold water into the garbage can (“carboy” in brewers’ terminology). Bring seven more liters to a boil in the pot. Add malt extract and cook uncovered for 20 minutes.

Add sugar and let it dissolve. Dump the mixture into the carboy, getting it good and agitated. Fungi are a lot more… fun… when you give them plenty of air. Top it off with cold water, bringing the carboy down to room temperature. Mix in the yeast then put the lid on loosely. Too tight and the carboy will explode… which can be fun in its own way, but will leave you beerless come the 17th.

Totally useless fact: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

Step Three: FERMENT Keep the carboy covered in a warm, out-of-the-way spot for six to 10 days. Don’t open the lid “just to check” or you’ll screw up the fermentation process. After the right amount of time has elapsed, give the brew (“wort” in brewers’ terminology) a taste. If it still tastes sweet, give it a couple more days.

Step Four: BOTTLE Once the sweetness is gone and the wort stops bubbling, you’re ready to bottle the malts of your labor. Just be very careful because there are multiple ways to screw this part up, and it would be just plain dumb to blow your wad this close to the end. First, scoop two teaspoons of sugar into each two-liter soda bottle. Put one end of the siphon into the carboy and make like a kid slurping a milkshake on the other end to get it flowing. Be careful NOT to agitate the wort, lest it oxidize, making your beer taste like the piss water you were trying to avoid in the first place. Be careful NOT to fill the bottles completely, lest they explode.

Be careful NOT to siphon any sediment out of the carboy, lest you have the worst beer farts in the history of mankind. Screw the caps on tight then shake to dissolve the sugar. Keep the bottles warm and ferment a few days longer before refrigerating.

Step Five: DRINK Your patience and fortitude have finally paid off. Crack open an ice cold bottle and enjoy. Not only did you make the equivalent of 60 longnecks for the price of a couple pizzas, you’ve discovered a handy way of getting around those pesky open container laws, too. Refine and enhance your process by scouring the internet for recipes and brewing tips, courtesy of fellow enterprising drunks from here to Ireland.

A very Happy St. Paddy’s Day indeed! campus talk

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19

CHARTED

TEXTING TALKING LOOKING AT YOUR SCREEN SO YOU SEEM BUSY

TIME ACTUALLY SPENT ON YOUR PHONE

NOTHING

things i DID this summer

IN ESSENCE DON’T LIKE ’EG’, AN EXAMPLE

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what people think ‘ie’ means

Totally useless fact: In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

MaDliBs!

MadliBS

By BRian hODGes

ST. paddy’S day

exTravaganZa

What better way to waste that last hour of class than by playing games and having a few good laughs?

Well, that just happens to be CT’s forte! Create your own funny phrases with our St. Patrick’s Madlibs!

And if your professor catches you in the act, tell him it’s a creative study guide for his course. Or tell him it’s for charity… that always works.

(nOun) You’ll drink many a n (aDJeCTive) songs in Grab a few cold ones, some gree and sing (aDJeCTive) and (nOun) and a big celebration of this !

Day ick’s Patr St. it’s … ) (nOun (aDJeCTive) (pluRal nOun) are That’s right, folks! It’s time to (nOun). Even the (veRB enDinG in “inG”) and head over to the nearest (veRB) your buddies ut, abo out and s. They (nOun) for a few (aDJeCTive) leprechaun like hing says (aDJeCTive) rounds. Not is do they All ! out never go (veRB) in their St. Patrick’s Day quite like a (veRB) and as ost alm and It’s ds. (pluRal nOun) each day (nOun) with good frien . etic (aDJeCTive) as path How . ) (nOun (nOun) r (veRB enDinG in “inG”) you y w kno (nOun), you’ll find man you ’t lie…

At the while everyone’s watching. Don like nd arou cing it (pluRal nOun) dan (pasT-Tense veRB) about you’ve guys (pluRal nOun). Some re. little befo time plenty of (aDJeCTive), so get n eve might your (pluRal While you’re at it, be sure to raise there may even be a few (nOun) and say a nOun) thrown. (nOun) in honor of this er, kiss e may (veRB) a four-leaf clov (aDJeCTive) holiday. Som So, your with ice rejo and ) (nOun a say “Slainte!” and others may say re’s The . ) nOun al (pluR ,” (any WORD) but all are sure to fellow “ (veRB) to This is one (veRB) in celebration. nothing that could (aDJeCTive) day (nOun) that make this (aDJeCTive). It’s the you are or who ter mat no e, brat cele ) nOun (pluRal es! Ain’t so (nOun) of the Irish, mat (veRB). You can get what you and (aDJeCTive) day around, (nOun), no one no tanked on green (veRB) it! take home you will even question you when you night (pROpeR nOun) when the Talk about going green… s of (veRB) and do all sort w kno you And (aDJeCTive) things. ld be for (aDJeCTive) that wou how n. tatio repu ) (aDJeCTive your

Totally useless fact: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

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21

15

FailinG WiTh Fun!

ThingS To do during an exaM

Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.

am wearing Come to the ex After a black cloak. put on es, about 30 minut d start an k as m te a whi re, the yelling, “I’m he opera” e phantom of th u away. ag yo until they dr

Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

you know you’re

gonna fail Puke into your exam booklet.

Hand it in.

Leave.

From the m om begins, hum ent the exam the theme to Jeopardy. instructor Ignore the ’s requests for you to stop .

FINALLY get When they one way or you to leave an whistling th other, begin e th The Price Is eme to Right.

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Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

Bring a black marker.

Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Bring some large, l. cumbersome, ugly ido Put it right next to . you. Pray to it often Consider a small sacrifice.

If the exam is math or up the science related, make uld co u yo fs longest proo and pi t Ge of. nk thi bly possi st mo o int s er mb imaginary nu itten wr a is it If s. on ati equ ng to exam, relate everythi your own life story.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer.

Try to work it out of him or her.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, “Oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

During the ex am, take apart everything ar ou you. Desks, ch nd airs, anything you can reach.

am, sit Walk in, get the ex tes nu mi 5 down. About the to y sa y dl lou into it, n’t do “I instructor, this. understand ANY of ture lec y I’ve been to ever at’s Wh g! lon er st all seme e th o wh the deal? And the e’s er Wh u? yo e hell ar regular guy?”

Take six packages of rice cakes to the exam.

Stuff at least two rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

Totally useless fact: On the ground, a group of geese is a gaggle, in the sky it is a skein.

OOOh, nasTy!

irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur

Check eoto send us picturees toof yo

Feel fre ment or roommat â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th

Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

Totally useless fact: John Lennonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

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23

BOO Class

killing TiMe in claSS need to kill some time during your boring class?

Flip to page 59 and let CT help you pass the time!

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Totally useless fact: A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

play WiTh yOuRselF

H C R A M GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW F FL AK KE K ES S

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: A snail can sleep for three years.

campus talk

rs are answepage 55 on

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25

play WiTh yOuRselF

STAR MAP

TO PT CRYP E TE UOT QUO Q

R ROSS OSS CRISS RISS C RO

AZE AZE MAZ

R H RC RD SEARC WORD

G HANGE CHAN XCH XC EX NE EN VE VE EVE

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Totally useless fact: All polar bears are left-handed.

yOu sOOOOO CheaTeD

MARCH FEAR KN K OT O FE

W IS H I N G

WELL

AMAZ MAZ A ING AZ I WH W HER HE ER RE ES E S FR F RANK RAN K? ?

Totally useless fact: China has more English speakers than the United States.

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27

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Totally useless fact: Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

hilaRiOus!

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

reMeMBer to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”

Two men were hunting in the woods when they came across a bear. The bear started chasing them and they were running as fast as they could.

They looked back and the bear was gaining on them.

One says to the other, “I don’t think we re going to be able to outrun this bear.”

The boy answered, “I did!

Today, I’m taking him to the cinema.”

The other hunter says, “Screw outrunning the bear, I only have to outrun you!”

Totally useless fact: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather’s farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister.

He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then, the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately.

She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. “What is it?” he asked.

The sister turned to him in fear and said, ” It- it’s- IT’S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!”

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But do you know how hard it is to find a fake Jeep?”

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.

“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what?

Months? Weeks? What?!”

“Nine...”

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pOTTy huMOR

= 5 MinuTes

+

30

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=55 MinuTes

Totally useless fact: Elephants are the only animals that canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t jump.

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march 2015

BuGGin’! heaDeR

how To Be

really annoying

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. turn signal leave your miles.

0 on for 5

pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio and talk to it. try playing the william tell overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. when nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

Inform others th at they exist only in your imagination.

name your dog “dog. ” reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”

f to ff yoursel e u c d n a h routinely informing everyon , furniture ’t want to fall off on d that you he big one comes.” “in case t

lick the filling out of all the oreos and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Totally useless fact: February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

20 wayS To confuSe your

rooMMaTe…

WhaT The hell aRe yOu DOinG?

Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

Leave apple cores on his/ her bed.

Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

These aRe inTenDeD FOR enTeRTainMenT puRpOses Only. We DO nOT aDvise ThaT yOu eveR DO These ThinGs TO DONT E V ER a ROOMMaTe OR yOuRselF. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling.

Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”

Collect Chia Pets.

Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow.

From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat.

Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

F LUSH T HE TOILET.

Wipe deodorant all over your roommate’s walls.

Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-olantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o-lantern, but you can’t convince it to move out.

Trash the room when your roommate’s not around, then leave and wait for your roommate to come back.

When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh oh, it looks like they were here again.”

Go through your Late at night, start roommate’s textbooks conversations that with a red pen, begin with, changing things and “Remember the good making random old days, when we cor rections. If your roommate protests, tell used to...” and make him/her that you just up stories involving couldn’t take it you and your anymore. roommate.

r and Leave the room at random, knock on the doo he wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/s asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. had good luck. Then, take the Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having your roommate, look above the see you horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When “Stupid horseshoe...” mutter, and head your hold be, to used oe door where the horsesh Totally useless fact: The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

Watch Psycho every day for a month, then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

Hang a basketball net on the wall.

Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month.

Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can.

When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonald’s, s, can I take your... oh, it’s just you.”

Take off the hat, sit and pout. campus talk

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33

DiD yOu KnOW…

5 By lauRa aiuTO

ThingS you didn’T know

aBouT…

STreSS!

The best-kept secrets to keeping your sanity, your figure and your hair.

phySically

Over 30 different hormones are released when you are feeling stressed, and no matter how many times you’ve encountered a specific stressor before – for example, cramming for a test – your body registers it as if it was the first time! Stress is also linked to hair loss, so when dad said you’re making him lose all his hair – he actually wasn’t that far off.

eMoTionally

Stress is linked to pretty much all major illnesses – such as cancer – but laugther increases the amount of natural killer cells that protect your body against them.

CT is here to help with endless laughts every month!

poSiTively

Not all stress is bad stress. Healthy stress, called eustress, causes the release of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins into your body, which enhances your physical, mental and emotional health.

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newBie STreSS

According to several recent studies, freshmen in college are more stressed than sophomores, juniors or seniors. While each class has its own set of stressors, freshmen deal with the most stressing transitions. So, newbie, never fear! It will get easier – it’s a proven fact!

STreSS eaTing

Everybody knows digging into that huge brownie sundae relieves stress – then the guilt afterword brings it all back. Here’s a few stress-relieving foods you don’t have to feel guilty about: carbs (breads, pastas, oatmeal), fruits (oranges, blueberries, cantaloupe), vegetables (spinach, avocado, broccoli), fish (salmon and tuna – sushi, too!), nuts (pistachios and almonds) and to drink, black tea.

Totally useless fact: Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

shOW Me The MOney… MaMa!

how To geT

More

Money

froM your

parenTS

T

By RaChel sOKOl

hey pay for your college tuition and don’t ever let you forget it.

They cover your plane ticket home or to Cancun, take you and your friends to dinner when they visit, pay for your doctor visit co-pays, contribute to your wardrobe, give you a Visa card, and even make some car and cell phone payments for you. Who are these amazing people? In short, they’re your parents. Okay, so they do really embarrassing things to you sometimes, like ask your sig nif way too many questions about their career goals and intentions. But, they are you parents, and you love them! You ESPECIALLY love them when they toss some moolah your merry way. So, here are some tips on how to get even more money out of them. Happy Spending!

noT aTMS

Travel TiMe

pull “The craZy rooMMaTe” card

BOnus pOinT: you actually use this money to go to Bora Bora.

How many times has your mother said, “Do I look like an ATM machine to you?”

Next time she says it, just kiss-up for a bit and say, “No way, ATM’s are ugly and impersonal.

You, Mom, are absolutely gorgeous and do not look a day older than 40. Do you know my friend John said you’re a MILF?” She’ll be so flattered by your compliments, she’ll insist on giving you a little extra spending money.

Make mom and dad suddenly feel sorry for you because you got stuck with “crazy” Krista.

Call home and tell your parents an outrageous Krista story, like how Krista communicates with a spirit named “Percy,” wants to major in Witchcraft (even though it’s not a real major), and sleepwalks with an eerie grin on her face. Just when your parents start to worry, tell them you NEED money to escape your dorm and “Krista,” as frequently as you can – for your OWN safety, of course.

BOnus pOinT: Tell dad you think “Krista” or her other crazy friend stole money from your wallet and used it to buy books about vampires and circus sideshows.

BookS, BookS, BookS

Parents only want the best for their kids.

They want their children to love college and take advantage of all opportunities. Convince them that you really want to study in Bora Bora for a year, because it will be an amazing experience and expand your horizons while getting an education. After they hand you money for the application fee and foreign processing fee, tell them you were rejected.

iMpreSS your parenTS

Type up an ‘official’ school letter informing your parents that you won an academic scholar award from your university. Make sure the letter looks professional and is grammatically correct.

Mail it to your folks and invite them to a ceremony at the school in your honor – make sure it’s on a day you know your parents cannot attend. They’ll be so excited and so proud, they’ll send a congratulatory check and a fancy card apologizing that they can’t make the ceremony BOnus pOinT: Convince them to have the rest of your family send congratulatory checks, too.

Even if you find your schoolwork taxing and miserable, call home and convince ma and pa that you need additional textbooks for class or your professor will fail you NO MATTER WHAT, and you NEED this class for your major! They won’t want you to lose your scholarship, so they’ll be happy to send you a check.

BOnus pOinT: Didn’t they always want a child who was a doctor? Tell them you’re switching your major to pre-med and need even more books now.

Totally useless fact: On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

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Falling as le by 2:30 a ep .m an early . is night.

GOTTa Be TRue!

YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN COLLEGE WHEN…

Recycling with laund becomes synonym last until ry (“Oh, my jean ous a little bit Christmas… there’ss can of mud on o them…”). nly D

Flip-flops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

uct t heal ape woun s all ds.

New addition s to the food groups contain: Mou ntain Dew, D oritos, Ben & Jerry’s , Ho-Hos an d Oreos.

Smorle eep

becomes

important.

much

Showers become much less important.

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an you c make never any too m in a meals t. o hot p

re 10 minutes is mo to than enough time r get ready for you first class.

Two meals a day are standard… one for some!

Totally useless fact: Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

spring break sans the shame

DON’T

…

Come back with those friggin’ cornrows in your hair. You need to run the hell away from the people on the beach who charge the stupid gringos an astronomical fee to uglify their hair.

Drink so much that you have to be rushed to an emergency room. It’s Spring Break so, of course, good times will be had.

Practicing a little self-control, however will leave you with far more happy memories than bad or uncertain flashbacks.

Don’t decide to use the atmosphere as an excuse to get ‘overly friendly’ with friends who are unwanton of the attention. It may seem like a fun idea at the time but it may only lead to a lot of heartache for you, and your counterparts. Keep yourself together so that you are able to discern other people’s body language and be able to read the situations with which you present yourlsef.

Top

By Lisa Echtenkamp

10 Ways to

Ruin Spring Break

for the Rest of Us

Totally useless fact: Shakespeare invented the word ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.

9

8

Demand that the group takes part in every activity you find to be fun. While it’s impolite to leave people out of an activity on a group trip, it’s equally rude to push your friends into a scenario that could make them feel uncomfortable.

7

Work on your tan to the point that you forgoe sunscreen, ‘bronzing’ to the point it ends in the ER with 3rd degree burns.

6

Invite strangers back to the hotal room without telling anyone. Sure your friends should and, most likely, will have your back, but be nice enough to give them a heads up.

You are already $15,000 in debt from school loans, so what’s another $2K on a vacation from the skullbusting stress that is college?

There’s no better time to let off steam, but try to apply some moderation to your idiocy, and avoid these kinds of shenanigans.

You don’t want to come home to find you’ve alienated your friends and dug yourself a hole of guilt and financial problems.

10

Have to try everything only learn that maybe the octopus was a bad pairing with tequila. It’s important in life to try new things, but it’s equally essential to know your limits. Instead of leaping in head first with the only outcome of a session with the toilet, use some reserve and put some thought behind your choices.

Get a tattoo or piercing in a filthy parlor.

Blood infections can be difficult to heal, especially if your still on holiday in Mexico.

Spends the entire break worrying about school. Focus is important in college, but burning out is a real thing. Enjoy the break while it lasts..

Upon returning, yammer on endlessly (annoyingly) about how great Spring Break was. Sure it was a great time, but your friends probably don’t care to hear about that sweet dance party on the beach a million times. campus talk

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4

3

2

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FiTness GeaR

By Jenna heRMan

1) uplifT Bra charcoal True to its name, this supportive bra offers full coverage and comfort with feminine styling. $46 soybu.com 2) alecia Tank Barcelona Flattering for every body type, this ruched tank offers ultimate support with its camisole design and crisscross back straps. $46 soybu.com

2

1

3) STarBurST Tank MoTion This tanktop features wide straps that frame a deep square neck on the front and a beautiful knotted detail on the back. Includes a built in bra for great support and comfort. $46 soybu.com

3

yoga 4

5

4) allegro capri MoTion Feel inspired in the comfy fit and feel of these stretchy capris. The breathable fabric makes it easy to power through any practice. $49 soybu.com 5) BeThany ShorT Boardwalk Made with lightweight, breathable material, these shorts are perfect for any kind of practice or exercise. $38 soybu.com 6) lona crop Barcelona Get to stretching in these breathable, lightweight, wrinkle resistant capris. $60 soybu.com

6

yoga poSeS poSTer

Whether you’re eager to learn yoga basics or a master looking to expand your practice, this enlightening poster makes it easy to incorporate the ancient practice into your life. Illustrations of classic and more complicated moves make this poster an attractive reference point. $20 uncommongoods.com

dry grip yoga MaT Perfect for hot yoga or vigorous vinyasa yoga, this mat’s topcoat wicks away moisture to keep your grip secure and prevent slipping.

Made from a “closed-cell” material to seal out germs, odors and bacteria. Free of harmful phthalates, this mat is a healthy choice for both you and the planet. $69.89 gaiam.com 38

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Totally useless fact: Starfish haven’t got brains.

FiTness GeaR yoga BlankeT

This 100% cotton blanket provides a soft and durable surface. Use flat, rolled or folded for safe support in any yoga posture. $49.98 gaiam.com

SUPERHEROES WANTED

Medallion yoga Block

Extend, support and deepen stretches with this 100% foam block. Use to help improve balance and hold postures longer, so you can get the most out of your practice. $14.98 gaiam.com

preMiuM yoga STrap Made from resilient bamboo for non-stretch

support, this yoga strap can help you increase your range of motion, achieve more challenging positions, and sustain poses for longer periods of time. Strap is 8 feet long with a durable metal D-rings. $11.98 gaiam.com

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yoga ToTe Go from work to class to errands all with one bag when your tote can carry all the essentials. This generously-sized bag features a fully zippered closure, an extra interior pocket for small items, and buckle closure straps on the front to conveniently stow your rolled mat. $65 uncommongoods.com

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Totally useless fact: The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

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ON SHUTTLE BUS ROUTE + PRIVATE BEDS & BATHS + RESORT-STYLE AMENITIES + PET FRIENDLY + INDIVIDUAL LEASES

lOOKinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; GOOD

BeauTy

By Jenna heRMan

calendula

Colored with fruit pigment and packed with antioxidants and vitamins, this anti-aging lipstick features shea butter and pomegranate oil for the ultimate moisturizing experience. $25 100percentpure.com

poppy

Keep your lips soft and youthful with a toxin-free lipstick.

Colored with fruit pigment and completely plant-based, this vegan lipstick is free of synthetic dyes, chemicals and preservatives. $25 100percentpure.com acure organicS cell STiMulaTing Body waSh This sulfate-free and paraben-free body wash combines cell-stimulating Moroccan argan stem cells with argan oil and pumpkin seed oil for a restorative and moisturizing cleanser. $9.99 target.com

acure organicS BrighTening facial ScruB

Utilize the power of organic sea kelp and dehydrated lemon peel to gently exfoliate and soften skin. Packed with French green clay, organic chlorella growth factor, and argan stem cells for a detoxifying, cell-growth stimulating experience. $9.99 target.com

fair Trade & organic acure organicS lavender argan oil cleanSing coconuT ToweleTTeS loTion Gently refresh and remove makeup, dirt, sweat Free of synthetic and environmental toxins from the skin with ingredients and these biodegradable cleansing towelettes. preservatives, this Free of fragrances, parabens and phthalates. lotion features coconut oil, avocado $6.99 target.com oil and jojoba oil for supreme moisture. acure organicS $9.99 facial Toner drbronner.com With this alcohol-free SenSiTive toner, you can say cleanSing Bar goodbye to excess oil This luxurious cleansing bar and shine. Includes provides a hydrating lather organic witch hazel, of soothing nourishment for vegetable glycerin, any kind of skin issue or rose and chamomile sensitivity. Infused with to soothe, Sukiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s refreshing signature moisturize and aromatherapy blend. restore skin. $11.95 sukiskincare.com $12.99 target.com

eucalypTuS caSTile liQuid Soap

This organic soap features eucalyptus for its warm and invigorating scent, great for opening pores and clearing the sinuses. With ingredients like coconut oil, hemp oil and jojoba oil, skin stays soft and safe from harsh ingredients.

8 oz. $6.69 drbronner.com

Totally useless fact: The name of all continents in the world end with the same letter that they start with.

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GeT These in yOuR liFe

By Jenna heRMan

SMarTphone proJecTor Pop your smartphone into this handy projector to

unleash the potential of your cramped screen by projecting it onto a wall. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s made of corrugated cardboard for easy assembly and includes openings to accommodate your phone charger or speakers. $27 uncommongoods.com

pockeTMonkey BaSic

Twelve functions packed into one millimeter of stainless steel. The size of a credit card, this multifunctional tool can be easily carried in your wallet or purse without adding any bulk. $19.95 thegrommet.com

nanoTipS

Tired of taking off your gloves just to use your touchscreen phone? Nanotips is a fast-drying liquid that makes your gloves touchscreen friendly. When Nanotips wear off over time, depending on how much you use and wash your gloves, simply reapply and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re good to go.

Black (leather formula) $20; Blue (fabric formula) $20 thegrommet.com

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Totally useless fact: There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

GeT These in yOuR liFe

MilkdoT

This insulated, collapsible, attractive lunch tote is the perfect combination of remarkable form and function. Features durable, waterrepellant fabric and an easy to clean interior lining. Free of BPA, PVC, phthalates and lead. $27 thegrommet.com

aBove The fray

Keep headphones untangled with vegetable tanned leather cord organizers. Leather gently molds to the shape of your headphones over time. $15 thegrommet.com

gleener

Eliminate unsightly fuzz and lint with Gleener. Includes three specially designed fabric-sensitive attachments to get rid of fuzz from almost any kind of fabric, fiber or knit. $19.95 thegrommet.com

chargehuB

Eliminate the mess of excess cables around plugs and outlets with a universal USB charging station.

Simultaneously charge 7 different devices while maintaining a neat and organized space. $49.95 thegrommet.com

foldylock

Ward off bike-snatchers with this premium folding bike lock that combines quality security with a unique design. Easily folds and fits into its compact case which can be attached to your bike frame with specially designed straps or with screws in the traditional water bottle location. $95 foldylock.com

MagneTic Bike lighTS

Be seen and stay safe on your next bike ride with these palmsized bike lights. The strong magnets ensure that these little lights will stay put even on the bumpiest of rides. Features 3 settings: steady beam, slow flash and quick flash. $32 uncommongoods.com

Totally useless fact: The longest word comprised of one row on the keyboard is: TYPEWRITER

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YUMMY

Cooking 101 Spaghetti Aglio Olio

by John scheck

Don’t be intimidated by the Italian name, which means spaghetti with garlic and oil; in Italy this dish is as basic and simple as ramen noodles are for American college students.

It’s something all Italian men can prepare and a favorite dish after returning home from the bars late at night – or more accurately, early in the morning – probably because the ingredients are almost always in the kitchen.

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Boil the spaghetti in salted water. Pour the olive oil into a non-stick skillet on medium heat. Slice the garlic thinly and add to the heated oil along with a pinch of salt. Tilt the skillet so the oil and garlic pool to one end, which ensures that the garlic doesn’t burn.

What you’re trying to do is infuse the oil with the flavor of the garlic. After one minute, add the red pepper flakes to the oil. If you have fresh parsley add this last. When the spaghetti is cooked, add it to the pan along with a bit of the pasta water and toss with the oil, garlic and red pepper until the water has evaporated. Serve with a glass of red wine, which is a good thing to have on hand for date night.

Ingredients: Spaghetti 3 Garlic Cloves Olive Oil Salt

Red Pepper Fresh Parsley (optional)

There is a lot of room for personal interpretation in spaghetti aglio olio: use a little or a lot of oil; add anchovies, parmesan cheese, sun dried tomatoes, you name it, but it’s best to err on the side of simplicity. Buon appetito (I think that’s right but I don’t speak Italian)!

Totally useless fact: You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

RiDDle Me This!

MIND

How many of eac #1 h species did Moses take on the ark with him?

GAMES

1) NONE, MOSES WASN’T ON THE ARK NOAH WAS, 2) FORWARD I AM TON, BACKWARDS I AM NOT, 3) A PREACHER, 4) AN ONION, 5) STOP IMAGINING.

in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

#5

n Imagine you are i do w o H . m o o r k r a d a you get out?

#2

AM I D R A W FOR UT HEAVY, B D I AM R BACKWA T AM I? A NOT. WH 46

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#3

He has married many women, but has never been e? h is o h W . d ie r r a m

#4 Take off my sk in –

I won’t cry , but

will ! What am

you I?

Totally useless fact: The average person spends 12 weeks a year ‘looking for things’.

GaMe On!

Sore Thumbs

By Daniel suTphin

BloodBorne pS4 March 24 Creators of Demon’s Souls and Dark Souls – Hidetaka Miyazaki and FromSoftware – have teamed together to creat the new action RPG Bloodborne.

The blood-drenched and detailed, gothic environments set the perfect setting for unforgiving, unrelenting terrors as players search for answers in the ancient cit of Yharnam. Now cursed with a strange, endemic illness, danger, death and madness haunt every corner in this brutal world. The only way to survive: unearth the city’s darkest secrets.

final fanTaSy Type-0 hd pS4, xBox one March 17 Making its Western debut, Square Enix’s Final Fantasy Type-0 HD is a remaster of the Japanese PlayStation Portable blockbuster from 2011. Type-0 drops players in Orience, a dark world governed by crystals and torn apart by war, as the nation’s youth are swept into its conflict.

Players take control as Class Zero, a group of 14 students from an elite military academy whose country is attacked by an aggressive neighboring Empire.

In fast-paced action RPG combat, players use magic and the powerful abilities of all 14 characters as they fight off the injustice of war to uncover secrets of its genesis.

neverwinTer xBox one, pc March/TBd After the demise of the last Lord of Neverwinter, factions battle for dominance in the disaster-plagued land.

Although a once busting location the city has suffered for the past hundred years. The most recent – an all-consuming Spellplague – took a massive toll on the population, and to make matters worse, the dead are beginning to rise from the dead and storm the city.

Players must choose to become one of five classic D&D classes and team up with friends or computer-controlled allies to form five-person co-op groups.

Players also create their own storylines and quests utilizing user-friendly content generation.

Totally useless fact: The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.

BaTTlefield hardline pS4, pS3, pc, xBox 360 March 17 Visceral Games takes the helm of the new Battlefield first-person shooter franchise, bringing the game’s focus onto a more local level. With a shift to police and the “war on crime”, the EA-published game breaks away from the military setting that has characterized the series. Players will have access to various military-grade weapons and vehicles, such as the Lenco BearCat, as well as having police equipment such as tasers and handcuffs. The new release will also feature new game modes like Heist, Rescue, Hotwire Mode, Blood Money and Crosshair Mode. campus talk

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liFe lessOns VER HOME

R A FORE OOKING FO

IS L

LESSON

oo� Mak� r ar� for he i� your famil� � new er! memb

4

WHO RESCUED WHOO PHOTOGRAPHYY

Medical Care, Laser Surgery, Therapeutic Laser atural Pet Food, Treatments, Dentistry, Pet Supplies, Natural Boarding, Grooming, Adoptions, House Calls Available

5231 SW 91ST DRIVE, HAILE VILLAGE CENTER • 352.377.6003 • HAILEANIMALCLINIC.COM OM

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of The STory: Always let your boss have the first say.

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Totally useless fact: The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

WhaT in The WORlD? heaDeR

What do you call a drive-through liquor store?

I Have Never Heard of Such a Thing.

Totally useless fact: Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

We Have These Things, But Have No Special Name for Them.

Brew Thru.

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iDiOT CRiMinals

By Daniel suTphin

pleaSe Turn off all MoBile deviceS “Butt-dials” can be a nuisance on the the the dial and the receiving ends. Aside from an impromptu break up or a muffled revelation of previously concealed truths, however, they are usually harmless. This was not so much the case for Justin Kryzanowski. At the time of his accidental dial, Justin was 24 and in the middle of talking to a drug dealer.

The receiver of his pocket call was none other than the police department’s emergency line. That’s right, Kryzanowski butt-called the coppers in the middle of a drug deal. The 911 operator recorded the entire conversation leaving the careless caller with charges of possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and prohibited offensive weapons, according to a Scranton Times-Tribune 2012 report.

After listening to the deal go through, police traced the cell phone back to Kryzanowski’s residence in Scranton, Penn., where they found various prescription medications, drug paraphernalia, brass knuckles and syringes loaded with Suboxone, which is a medication used to treat opioid addiction.

While searching the residence, police also found the cell phone that matched the number that had called 911.

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Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

CHARTED

WHEN I PUSH THE OPEN TAB ON A BOX OF MAC ‘N’ CHEESE

THE TAB PUNCHES RIGHT THROUGH MAKING THE BOX EASIER TO OPEN

WHEN YOU FORGET SOMEONE’S NAME

YOU TRY TO GUESS AND GET IT RIGHT YOU REMEMBER AFTER A FEW MINUTES

THE CORNER OF THE BOX FOLDS WITH THE TAB STILL INTACT KEEPING THE CHEESY GOODNESS INSIDE

EVERYDAY TASKS THAT USE ALGEBRA

TRY TO GUESS AND GET IT WRONG

WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO SAY THERE NAME

ACCOUNTS I HAVE ON THE INTERNET

ACCOUNTS I LOGGED INTO ONCE ALGEBRA CLASS

ACCOUNTS I USE OFTEN

Totally useless fact: “Underground” is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters “und”

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GeT The CanDy! chappie whaT: Action, Thriller who: Hugh Jackman, Sigourney

e Scan Th

e coed e The

Weaver, Sharlto Copley when: March 6 Director Neill Blomkamp (District 9, Elysium) brings his vision to the story of Chappie, a stolen and reprogrammed robot formerly controlled as a member of a mechanized police force in the near future. Chappie serves as the first robot to think and feel for himself. As powerful forces eye Chappie as a danger to mankind, they come full force to make sure Chappie is the last of his kind and that the status quo is maintained.

To S Trailer!

flicks

By Daniel suTphin

unfiniShed BuSineSS The gunMan whaT: Action, Crime, Drama who: Idris Elba, Sean Penn,

Javier Bardem when: March 20 Sean Penn starts as a former Special Forces soldier and military contractor suffering from PTSD. As he tries to reconnect with his long-time love, demons from his past complicate his life and relationship. When his former colleagues kidnap her, Terrier (Penn) must go on the run from London to Barcelona and across Europe in order to clear his name.

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whaT: Comedy who: Vince Vaughn,

Dave Franco, Tom Wilkinson when: March 6 Vince Vaughn leads a dynamic cast as Daniel Trunkman, a hard-working small business owner. He and his two associates (Wilkinson and Franco) travel to Europe to close the most important deal of their lives. The simple business trip derails into a life-altering experience as the trio maneuvers their way through Europe, taking on every imaginable – and unimaginable – scenario.

geT hard whaT: Comedy who: Will Ferrell, Kevin Hart,

Alison Brie when: March 27 The comedic stars align as Kevin Hart and Will Ferrell team for Get Hard. When millionaire hedge fund manager James (Ferrell) is nailed for fraud and bound for a stay in San Quentin, the judge gives him 30 days to get his affairs in order. Scared and frightened by the potential horrors awaiting him behind bars, James turns to Darnell (Hart) to prep him for life in the slammer.

The divergenT SerieS: inSurgenT whaT: Adventure, Sci-Fi, Thriller who: Shailene Woodley,

Ansel Elgort, Theo James when: March 20 Stakes are raised for Tris on her search for allies and answers in the futurists Chicago ruins.

Now fugitives on the run, Tris (Woodley) and Four (James) search to find out what Tris’s family sacrificed their lives to protect, and why the Erudite leaders will do anything to stop them.

Totally useless fact: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

RenT Me! inTo The woodS whaT: Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy who: Anna Kendrick, Meryl Streep, Chris Pine when: March 24 A modern twist on a collection of Brothers Grimm fairy tales, Into The Woods brings the Stephen Sondheim musical to cinematic life. The heartfelt story follows the classic tales of Cinderella (Kendrick), Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, and Rapunzel – all tied together by an original story involving a baker and his wife, their wish to begin a family and their interaction with the witch (Streep) who has put a curse on them.

Small

Screen The hoBBiT: The BaTTle of The five arMieS The hunger gaMeS: MockingJay – parT 1

foxcaTcher whaT: Biography, Drama,

Sport, Thriller who: Steve Carell, Channing Tatum, Mark Ruffalo, Vanessa Redgrave when: March 3 Bennett Miller (Moneyball) directs the dramatic true story of Olympic wrestler Mark Schultz (Tatum), recounting the deadly relationship between his sponsor, millionaire John du Pont (Carell), and himself as it turns from hopeful to hopeless.

whaT: Adventure, Sci-Fi who: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh

Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Woody Harrelson, Julianne Moore when: March 6 The Hunger Games saga returns as Katniss Everdeen (Lawrence) faces a choice that could affect the fate of a nation. After shattering the games forever, Katniss Everdeen ends up in District 13. Under the leadership of President Coin (Moore) and the advice of her friends, Katniss spreads her wings as she fights to save Peeta and a nation moved by her courage.

whaT: Adventure, Fantasy who: Ian McKellen, Martin

Freeman, Richard Armitage when: March 24 With the Dwarves homeland reclaimed, an enraged Smaug wreaks havoc upon the defenseless men, women and children of Lake-town. Thorin obsesses with his reclaimed treasure, sacrificing friendship and honor. Bilbo tries to make Thorin see reason, pushing the Dwarf king towards a desperate and risky choice. To make matters worst, Sauron has sent legions of Orcs in a stealth attack upon the Lonely Mountain. With certain destruction on its way, the races of Dwarves, Elves and Men must unite.

Totally useless fact: Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

Top five whaT: Comedy who: Chris Rock, Rosario

Dawson, Kevin Hart, Tracy Morgan, Gabrielle Union when: March 17 Top Five follows Andre Allen (Rock) as he struggles to deal with his present celebrity status.

With a rise to popularity in stand-up, Allen reached major film due to a trilogy of actioncomedies about a talking bear.

Despite the fact he’s trying to make a turn to serious acting, his reality-TV star fiancé talks him into broadcasting their wedding on her TV show. Chelsea (Dawson), a profile writer for the New York Times follows Allen for a day. As they wind their way across New York, Allen opens up to Chelsea and tries to get back in touch with his comedic roots. campus talk

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hahaha

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.”

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“You tightwad!” blurts the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You cheap son of a... “ the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, “I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?”

“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?”

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Totally useless fact: Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

MARCH S

SNOWF SNOWFL AKES K ES KES

ER W S N A

R H RC RD SEARC WORD

yOu sOOOOO CheaTeD

CR OS S CR SW WORD

SUDO UDOKU UDO

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G HANGE CHAN XCH XC EX NE EN VE VE EVE

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FE FEAR O KN K NOT C RYPTO QU Q UO OT TE E

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W WH HER HE ERE RE ES S FR FRAN RANK? K

CRISS CR RISS CR CRO ROSS OSS Totally useless fact: Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.

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spOTTeD!

RU N A L L NI G H T

SpoT The differenceS

March 13, 2015

geneSiS rodrigueZ, liaM neeSon, Joel kinnaMan

Every Day is Gameday

In Gainesville every day is Gameday, only the venues change! So whether you love going outdoors or simply going out to eat, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got just what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re looking for. Paddle the Santa Fe River, dine at one of our delicious local restaurants or search for treasures at local boutiques and vintage shops downtown. Gainesville, where nature and culture meet.

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VisitGainesville.com

352.374.5260

Totally useless fact: The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

spOTTeD!

check

liST

1) 'Y' MISSING FROM BACKGROUND, 2) DOOR HANDLE MISSING FROM CAR, 3) SIGN IN BACKGROUND DIFFERENT COLOR, 4) RIGHT GUY JACKET NOW ZIPPED UP, 5) NEESON NOW POINTING WITH FINGER, 6) WHITE LABEL MISSING FROM BASE OF POLE IN FOREGROUND, 7) GUY MISSING FROM BACKGROUND LEFT, 8) PAVEMENT JOINT ON LEFT NOW MISSING, 9) STREET LIGHT MISSING FROM BEHIND GUY ON RIGHT.

Get Out and About!

Spring is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

Events in Gainesville March 1-15: Mr. Burns, a Post-Electric Plan on the mainstage at The Hipp March 6-8: Tioga Winter Fine Arts Fair March 20: Ballet 352 at The Phillips Center March 21: Antique Car and Tractor Day at Dudley Farm March 21-22: Spring Garden Festival at Kanapaha Botanical Gardens March 27: Gainesville Artwalk March 28: Agbedidi: UF African Dance and Drum Ensemble Jacaré Brazil at The Hipp March 29: Jest Fest! at The Historic Thomas Center Big Blues Concert at High Dive April 11-12: Santa Fe Spring Arts Festival April 18: Hogtown Craft Beer Festival

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260

VisitGainesvilleFlorida Totally useless fact: Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book ‘The Naked Lunch’.

campus talk

@ Gainesville |

march 2015

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hahahaha

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb? he doesn’t.

He declares darkness the industry standard.

reMeMBer to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.

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march 2015

If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost an electron.”

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”

A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

campus talk

A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

A: A pork chop.

“My father grows beans,” said one girl.

“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.

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Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

I don’t have an attitude problem. you have a perception problem.

Student: “My father’s check book!”

The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first replies, “Positive.” if you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

At a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Totally useless fact: The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

Class BlOWs!

hey, moron! Go back to page 24.

Keep this up â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;til the bell rings!

Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

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I do not fancy wines, I prefer moans.

Want to give Australian k me an It’s like Fren iss? kissing, but ch going down you’re under.

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march 2015

Totally useless fact: The male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

Totally useless fact: The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

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