CampusTalk June 2012

www.mycampus talk .com JUNE 2012

CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND

A Not-So Total Low Down on the

Summer

Olympics Lessons in Tipping

Etiquette Don’t be ‘That Guy’

Top Girl

Gaffes When Sleeping At His Place

Your Transformation to A

Man of Mystery

Grilling More than Just Throwing Meat on a Grill

Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff 1 Totally useless fact: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

campus talk

october 2006

SPACES GOING FAST A P P LY T O D AY F O R F A L L � � � �

SC AN ME � GREAT LOCATION�CLOSE TO UF � DOWNTOWN • RESORT�STYLE AMENITIES • LEATHER�STYLE FURNITURE

� N DAV E C E N T R E .C O M

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spicy tuna roll

rising sun roll

crab, smoked salmon, avocado, masago

alaskan roll

yellowtail, cucumber, masago, scallions, spicy mayo

ninja roll

fried tilapia, avocado, mayo, masago

tampa roll

crab, tilapia, cucumber, masago, lemon

lemon drop roll

slices of salmon over cali roll

Cajun Chicken Gen Tso Chicken

masago, scallions, mayo (In plazaspicy Royale next 3841 SW Archer Rd from Target Dockside) toacross Gators gator roll 224-5123 377-8686 Outdoor patio seating at tuna, tilapia, avocado, mayo, scallions, both convenient locations masago Boxes are served with white rice, noodles, 3841 SW Archer Rd ginger salad and other side dishes. Bowls are simply your favorite dish over rice.

(Next to Mochi Frozen rainbow roll Teriyaki Chicken or Beef Yogurt onover Archer tuna, salmon, tilapia caliRd) roll Katsu Chicken or Pork Bulgogi Chicken or Beef 224-5123

tempura shrimp, cream cheese, avocado, eel sauce

mexican roll

3832 W. Newberry Rd. in Plaza Royale next to Gators Dockside 377-8686

Bowls, Noodle Bowls, Boba Tea, Asian Beer and Sake

spicy tuna roll 3832 W. Newberry Rd

smoked salmon, cream cheese, avocado, scallions

japanese bagel roll

unagi roll

tempura shrimp, cream cheese, avocado, topped with ebi, eel sauce, and spicy mayo

special mexican roll

broiled eel, cucumber, masago, eel sauce

Red Curry Beef Vegetable Stirfry Cantonese Pork Chop

gator roll

Shrimp Tempuramayo, Udon Soupmasago fried tilapia, avocado,

Chicken Katsu Udon Soup

Szechuan Beef Noodle Soup

tampa roll

3841 SW Archer Rd

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CAN’T BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER OFFERS, LIMIT ONE COUPON/PER CUSTOMER/PER DAY

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Bento Boxes, Salad Bowls, Rice Bowls, Sashimi

Bowls,BENTO Noodle Bowls, Boba Tea, Asian Beer and Sake $1 OFF BOX

3832 W.(Next Newberry Rd. (In plaza Royale next to Mochi Frozen Yogurt Archer Dockside Rd) to Gators Dockside) in Plaza Royale next toon Gators 224-5123 377-8686 377-8686 www.gatorbucks.com EXPIRES: 08/15/12

Outdoor patio seating at both convenient locations

Boxes are served with white rice, noodles, ginger salad and other side dishes. Bowls are simply your favorite dish over rice.

Bento Boxes, Salad Bento Bowls, Boxes, Ri

Japanese thick udon noodles or Korean crab, tilapia, cucumber, masago, lemon noodles in an Asian flavored broth

avocado, cucumber, carrots, scallions, topped with fried tofua

For all your aquarium needs.

2100 SW 34th St. (352) 336-6303

NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFER. EXPIRES 08/15/12.

FF

SALT WATER FISH

FF

Quick Casual Pan-Asian Cuisine & Sushi Bar

www.gatorbucks.com

ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON OR OFFER

shredded crab mixed with Japanese mayo

crab delite roll

3832 W. Newbe 38 in Plaza RoyaleOFF next in ALL Plaza to G RETAIL 377-868

EXPIRES: 08/15/12. REDEEMABLE IN GAINESVILLE ONLY. ONE COUPON PER PERSON

GATORBUCKS.COM

$1 OFF

GUARAN

smoked salmon, cream smoked cheese, salmon, avocado, cream cheese, avocado,

scallions scallions

WWW.DESIGNERGREENS.NET

japanese bagel japanese roll bagel roll

3841 SW Arch 3

10%

Katsu Chicken or Pork Bulgogi Chicken or Beef philly roll Cajun Chicken crab, cream cheese,avocado, scallions, masago Gen Tso Chicken yoshi roll conch, crab, cucumber, masago, spicy mayo Beef or Chicken w/ Broccoli chicken tempura roll Thai Curry Chicken tempura chicken, mayo, eel sauce Spicy Cream Chicken florida roll Red Curry tuna, salmon, cream cheese, avocado, masago WeBeef now carry a large selection of Wood, Bone and Horn Plugs and Jewelry.

Vegetable Stirfry mt fuji roll crab, tempura shrimp, scallions, masago, CUSTOM TATTOOS, BODY AND DERMAL Cantonese Pork Chop topped with crab delite and eel sauce PIERCINGS, ONE OF A KIND ARTIST DESIGNED T-SHIRTS, Pad Thai Chicken or ORGANIC Tofu PLUGS & JEWELRY, unagi roll BODY JEWELRY, GIFT CERTIFICATES EXPIRES: 08/15/12 www.gatorbucks.com Ginger Shrimp broiled eel, cucumber, masago, eel sauce Szechuan Chicken special mexican roll tempura shrimp, cream cheese, avocado, topped Mongolian Beef

crab, smoked salmon, avocado, masago

TO SAVE YOTUE$E$D !

tuna, salmon, tilapiatuna, oversalmon, cali roll tilapia over cali roll

WITH MINIMUM PURCHASE OF $6.99

www.gatorbucks.com

rainbow roll rainbow roll

Chicken w/ Veggies Noodle Soup

Pork Chop Noodle Soup

Spicy Beef or Shrimp Udon Soup

yellowtail, cucumber, masago, scallions, spicy mayo

Dine In, Carryout, or Delivery through Gatorfood.com

Boxes / Rice Bowls

$6.75

FREE CHIPS & QUESO

ninja roll Bowls, Noodle Bowls, Bowls, Boba Noodle Tea, tuna, tilapia, avocado, tuna, mayo, tilapia, scallions, avocado, mayo, scallions, alaskan roll masago masago www.gatorbucks.com Teriyaki Chicken or Beef

WITH PURCHASE OF ENTREE

gator roll veggie delite roll

slices of broiled eel over Cali Roll with eel sauce

dragon roll

20% FRESH WATER FISH

Quick Casual Quick Pan-Asian Casua C Sweet and Sour Chicken Spicy Korean Chicken or Shrimp

lemon drop roll

crab delite, broiled eel, avocado, eel sauce

gainesville roll

Mongolian Beef Garlic Chicken Curry Katsu Chicken

Shrimp Tempura slices of salmon over cali roll

broiled eel, cream cheese, avocado, masago, eel sauce

ying yang roll

slices of tuna over Cali roll

tokyo rose roll

avocado, cucumbers, carrots, cream cheese, scallions

veggie roll

$7.50

Aquatropics

10%

Pad Thaicream Chicken or cheese, Tofu tempura shrimp, avocado, Ginger Shrimp eel sauce Szechuan Chicken

crab, tempura shrimp, scallions, masago, topped with crab delite and eel sauce

mt fuji roll

tuna, salmon, cream cheese, avocado, masago

florida roll

mexican roll

tempura chicken, mayo, eel sauce

conch, crab, cucumber, masago, spicy mayo

$6.75

Beef or cream Chicken w/ Broccoli smoked salmon, cheese, avocado, chicken tempura roll Thai Curry Chicken scallions Spicy Cream Chicken

yoshi roll

crab, cream cheese,avocado, scallions, masago

philly roll

shredded crab mixed with Japanese mayo

crab delite roll

bentocafesushi.com

crab, avocado, cucumber, masago

tuna, salmon, tilapia over cali roll

rainbow roll

tuna, tilapia, avocado, mayo, scallions, masago

gator roll

masago, scallions, spicy mayo

Bento Boxes, Salad Bowls, Rice Bowls, Sashimi

For all your aquarium needs.

2100 SW 34th St. (352) 336-6303

Quick Casual Pan-Asian Cuisine & Sushi Bar Cali roll

crab, avocado, cucumber, masago

Cali roll

Bento Boxes / Rice Bowls

Noodle Soup Bowls $6.95

WWW.CHILIS.COM

sun roll masago, scallions, spicy masago, mayo scallions, spicyrising mayo

So come out to Chili’s and enjoy.

3530 S.W. Archer Road Gainesville, Florida 32608 352-373-3010

EXPIRES: 08/15/12

spicy tuna roll spicy tuna roll

www.gatorbucks.com

japanese bagel roll crab, avocado, cucumber, crab, avocado, masagocucumber, masago

Cali roll

Sushi Rolls 8 PIECES

3530 S.W. Archer Road Gainesville, Florida 32608 352-373-3010

Sushi Rolls 8 PIECES

Aquatropics

bentocafesushi.com

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24 PACK OF NATURAL LIGHT PACK OF 16OZ CUPS 6 BEER PONG BALLS

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Located at 34th Street and W. University Ave. Cold Beer, Cigarettes, Ice, and all the snacks you want.

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Cali roll

GRAB YOUR COPY NOW. HERE’S A FEW TO START YOU OFF!

YOU CAN FIND MORE LIKE THESE IN GATOR BUCKS Sushi Rolls 8 PIECES

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CVZ B XIPQQFS WBMVF NFBM HFU B XIPQQFS TBOEXJDI

EXPIRES: 08/15/12. REDEEMABLE IN GAINESVILLE ONLY. ONE COUPON PER PERSON

Sushi Rolls 8 PIECES

Located at 34th Street and W. University Ave. Cold Beer, Cigarettes, Ice, and all the snacks you want.

Stop by Paradise for all your needs.

www.gatorbucks.com

COUPON NOT VALID ON DAY OF HOME FOOTBALL GAMES

EXPIRES: 08/15/12

'3&&

EXPIRES: 08/15/12

2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851 www.hogans83.com

lemon drop roll lemon drop roll

SINCE 1983

crab delite, broiled eel, avocado, eel sauce

gainesville roll

EXPIRES 08/15/12

2100 NE 39th Ave 334-3120

LOCATED ONLY A JEFF CARDOZO TEE SHOT FROM THE AIRPORT

Shrimp Tempura Udon Soup

Pork Chop Noodle Soup

W/PURCHASE OF ANY ENTREE

FREE Chicken w/ Veggies Noodle Soup DRAFT BEER Boxes are servedBo OR SODA

Carryout, or Delivery through Gatorfood.com

www.DTBarbershop.com EXPIRES 08/15/12 www.gatorbucks.com Spicy Beef or Shrimp Udon Soup

ninja roll

1209 West University Ave. (352) 519-5111 www.endzonegainesville.com Find us on Facebook!

With every J

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FREE

LIMIT 1 COUPON PER PERSON. NOT REDEEMABLE FOR CASH.

www.gatorbucks.com

BLACK

Jiffy Lube Signature ServiceÂŽ Oil Change

$ OFF 8

5 area locations to serve you. For the store nearest you visit: jiffylubesoutheast.com

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(MUST BE 21 & HAVE VALID FORM OF ID. NOT AVAILABLE ON THE GATOR CUP. NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFER, COUPON, OR DISCOUNT. MUST HAVE COUPON PRESENT)

Hours: Mon–Thurs: 7am–3pm Fri–Sun: 7am–4pm

Find and become a fan of us at: The Flying Biscuit of Gainesville on Facebook!

4150 NW 16th Blvd (352) 373-9500

Hours: Mon–Thurs: 7am–3pm Fri–Sun: 7am–4pm

1209 West University Ave. (352) 519-5111 www.endzonegainesville.com Find us on Facebook!

EXPIRES: 08/15/12

www.gatorbucks.com

EXPIRES: 08/15/12

(NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER COUPON, OFFER, OR DISCOUNT)

WITH THIS COUPON!

crab, smoked salmon, crab, avocado, smokedmasago salmon, avocado, masago

25% OFF your entire purchase 5 area locations to serve you.

Jiffy Lube, the Jiffy Lube design mark and Jiffy Lube Signature ServiceŽ are registered trademarks of Jiffy Lube International, Inc. Š2011 Jiffy Lube International, Inc. All rights reserved.

Expires: 08 /15/12 CODE: GB8

Bowls

For the store nearest you visit: jiffylubesoutheast.com

www.gatorbucks.com

Find and become a fan of us at: The Flying Biscuit of Gainesville on Facebook!

4150 NW 16th Blvd (352) 373-9500

Bowls

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Teriyaki Chick T Katsu Chicken K crab delite roll crab delite roll shredded crab mixed shredded with Japanese crab mixed mayo with Japanese mayo 25% OFF Bulgogi Chick B YOUR PURCHASE philly roll philly roll Cajun Chicken C crab, cream cheese,avocado, crab, cream scallions, cheese,avocado, masago scallions, masago Gen Tso Chic G yoshi roll yoshi roll conch, crab, cucumber, conch, masago, crab, cucumber, spicy mayo masago, spicy mayo Beef or Chick B chicken tempura chicken roll tempura roll Thai Curry Chi T tempura chicken, mayo, tempura eel sauce chicken, mayo, eel sauce Spicy CreamS florida roll florida roll

FEATURE

With every Jiffy Lube SignatureBrand ServiceÂŽ Oilnew Change, we:

tees and greens!

Summer alaskan roll alaskan roll

ninja roll

GAINESVILLE’S ULTIMATE SPORTS COMPLEX

EXPIRES: 08/15/12

2 ent Special $3

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CALL FOR YOUR TEE TIME

LESSONS AVAILABLE from PGA Professional Bill Iwinski

fried tilapia, avocado, fried mayo, tilapia, masago avocado, mayo, masago

Stud and a FREE includes cart ge balls bucket of ran

FRI-SUN AFTER 12PM ON MON-THURS AND VALID ANYTIME GE BALLS E BUCKET OF RAN PON TO GET FRE MUST HAVE COU

tampa roll

www.gatorbucks.com

tampa roll 334-3120

2100 NE 39th Ave

a Je Cardozo tee shot from the airport.

SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK $$$ SUNDAY BUCK

Dine In,lemon crab, tilapia, cucumber, crab,masago, tilapia, cucumber, lemon masago,

Chicken Katsu Udon Soup

Japanese thick udon noodles or Korean noodles in an Asian flavored broth

Szechuan Beef Noodle Soup 7 5NIVERSITY !VE s 'AINESVILLE &,

avocado, cucumber, carrots, scallions, topped with fried tofua

veggie delite roll

slices of broiled eel over Cali Roll with eel sauce

REGULAR PRICE.

OFF

across from Tar 224-512

Garlic Chicken Curry Katsu Chicken Shrimp Tempura Hair Cut & Hot Lathered Sweet and Sour Chicken Neck Shave Spicy Korean Chicken or Shrimp

Outdoor patio Outd se s (OURS -n& s AMn PM both convenient bothl

$2

broiled eel, cream cheese, avocado, masago, eel sauce

ying yang roll

slices of tuna over Cali roll

avocado, cucumbers, carrots, cream cheese, scallions

slices of salmon over slices caliof roll salmon over cali roll dragon roll

SINCE 1983

BUY ONE GET ONE

rising sun roll rising sun roll

6'' SUBS ON SUNDAYS

GOOD ON SUNDAYS ONLY.

(NOT VALID W/ ANY OTHER COUPON, DISCOUNT, OR OFFER, INCLUDING THE DAILY SPECIAL)

www.gatorbucks.com

tempura shrimp, cream tempura cheese, shrimp, avocado, cream cheese, avocado, tokyo rose roll eel sauce eel sauce

veggie roll $7.50

with ebi, eel sauce, and spicy mayo

Bento

Noodle Soup Bowls $6.95

mexican roll mexican roll 2327 NW 13th St (Albertson’s Plaza) 352-376-6224 5156 SW 34th St (Shoppes of Williston) 352-371-5851 www.hogans83.com

.com

5835 SW 75th St. Gainesville, FL 32608 P: 352.336.7500 WWW.SIMPLYNUTRITION.CO

best prices on supplements in Gainesville

smoothies and supplements

5835 SW 75th St. Gainesville, FL 32608 P: 352.336.7500 WWW.SIMPLYNUTRITION.CO

EXPIRES: 08/15/12

BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

CONTENTS

GOOD READING

09 Summer Drinking Games

P53 Frequently Overheard Phrases of College Students 12 8 Things You Don’t Do At a Guy’s Place 14 Tipping 101 15 Credit Where Credit is Due 16 Kid Shows Every College Student Should be Watching 22 Frank the Cab Driver 30 History’s Most Notorious Death Penalties P34 10

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P10

P82

34 This Month in History

P14

41

P84

How to Get A-Head in the World of Lust 52 Essential Condiments for Cafeteria Consumption 81 A Brief and Totally Incomplete History of the Olympics 82 Secrets for the Wannabe Grill Master 84 How 2 Become a Man of Mystery 85 Bogus Logos 92 All the Things You Didn’t Know About Plastic Explosives

CLUB PICS

71–78 Club pics are brought to you by mycampustalk.com

Totally useless fact: A group of geese is called a gaggle.

breakin’ it down!

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 17 New Work Policies 20 Relationship Get Out

of Jail Free Cards 38 Autocorrect Fails 43 Loads of Fun with CT’s Miniature Football 46 Hot Stuff June Beauty 54 Step Into Summer 58 Gadgets 64 Spot the Difference 66 Ready Dot Gov 68 Sanctioned Formal Booty Call Contract 70 Drunk People Crossing 86 Flicks 90 ABCs of Drinking

Totally useless fact: A group of whales is called a pod.

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WHAT’S on!

Editors ‘

LETTER It’s Gonna Be a Hot ONE! If not for the breeze, these Florida summers would be quite insufferable!

While many of you have taken the summer off to hit the beach, the rest of you have chosen (or were forced) to stick it though and stash your head in a book. Well, it may not be the beach, but there are still plenty of paths to distract you from studying, and CT is here to help you find them.

This month’s issue contains a range of summer pursuits, including a guide to

the best drinking games, kids shows that every college student should entertain, relationship get-out-of-jailfree cards (for when those summer flings go stale), condiments to aid the cafeteria food suffrage, a little info on the Olympics and, for you history buffs, a time portal through June’s past.

So buck up and book it from your studies, because, if all else fails, at least the line at the bar is shorter!

Daniel Sutphin

If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!!

You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.

Editor-IN-CHIEF

Lauren Douglass

CONTENT EDITOR

LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY

art director

DANIEL TIDBURY

Graphic Design

DANIEL TIDBURY LISA TORRES JANE DOMINGUEZ

staff writers

Brian hodges JOHN SCHECK

Contributing Writers

Marc Douglass Evan Gerstel bella fountain David Wyett Cari Cooney Frank the cab driver julia fleming jake craney chris humpherys Chris Jenkins LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY DANIEL SUTPHIN

FASHIon FEATURES

Lauren-Michelle KolanskY

SPeCIAL PROJECTS

LAUREN Michelle KOLANSKY Daniel sutphin hilah driggers

nightlife Paparazzi

Jason Frankenfield

Promotions

Amanda LILES karen jones AnnMarie DeFeo

director of advertising

Shane Howell shane@whpinc.com

SALES

Bryan porter

Legal Counsel

Gary Edinger

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Full service design studio providing clients with our best creative talents.

june 2012

Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.”

Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental.

Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: In Vermont, the ratio of cows to people is 10:1.

WHEN GETTING DRUNK BY THE POOL JUST ISN’T ENOUGH

Summer

by Brian Hodges

Drinking

Games!

As if you really needed another reason to drink, it’s summertime!

And as if you needed another excuse to drink more, we’ve got drinking games! But rather than another boring round of A**hole inside a hot room with stale beer and bad ventilation, it’s time to strip down to your bathing suit and head outdoors. These three games will help get your drink on while working on your tan and hanging out with other half-naked drunks in the sweaty summer sun.

BEERSBEE POOL PONG

Sure sure, you could just drag your precious beer pong table onto the lawn and play there. But if you have access to a pool, why wouldn’t you combine these two glorious assets? After all, the only thing better than making a hottie you’ve had your eye on drink to the point of bad decisions is making a wet, barely-dressed hottie drink to the point of bad decisions. Inflatable Pool Pong tables, complete with cup holders, are available online for less than eighty dollars. But if you’re feeling particularly handy you can make your own out of nothing more than a big piece of plywood, a few pool noodles and some plastic rip-ties. (OVERPROTECTIVE DAD MOMENT: This should go without saying, but when you’re drinking and being a general dumbass in and around water, for the love of god be careful and make sure there are at least a few people of sound mind and body who can jump in and save your drunk self if it goes under.)

SPIN TILL YOU PUKE

It goes by various names, but I stand by this most straightforward description. To play these two games all you need is a wiffle-ball bat, a cooler full of beer and a whoooole lot of space. In Version No. 1, cut the bottom off your bat and fill it with beer. Start chugging.

Now bend over and put your forehead on the bat. However many seconds it took to down the beer, that’s how many times you need to spin before attempting to hit a homerun with a crushed beer can. If you miss, spin three more times and try again. Your turn is over when you either hit the can or crack your skull on a garden gnome. Version No. 2 is more of a team sport. After the starter’s gun (or, since this is a residential neighborhood, a chick in a bikini shouting “Go!”) put your head on the bat and spin ten times. Now run across the yard to a table of beer. Crack one and chug it. Then spin three more times and run back, tagging your teammate who makes his own run.

Competitive Frisbee, plain and simple. But with beer. Easy right? Once you get the hang of it, yes, though there seem to be as many varying rules as there are people who argue over the game’s proper spelling: Beersbee?

Beersbie? Beersby? To start, two teams stand behind a stick with a beer can balanced on top. Every player must hold their beer the entire time and penalties are assessed for spillage. The basic rules involve taking turns throwing a Frisbee at the opposing team’s stick. From there the game is open to interpretation. Depending on your particular version, points are awarded/deducted for knocking over the beer can, for hitting the stick, for catching the Frisbee, for missing the Frisbee, for catching the bottle as it falls, for using the stick to beat your teammate who screwed up yet again… and on and on as complicated (or not) as your drunk mind feels like taking it. Frankly, as with any of these games, the rules aren’t nearly as important as being out in the sun, surrounded by the kind of people Katy Perry likes to sing about, all while getting progressively drunker and celebrating youth and summer. Have fun!

Totally useless fact: Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book ‘The Naked Lunch’.

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SAY WHAT? by john scheck

Frequently

Overheard

Phrases of College

Students

College students are all different. Some have tattoos of suns while others have permanent depictions of dolphins on their hides. Some wear their ball caps pointing to the rear while other nonconformists have the bill cocked slightly off-center. However, what you overhear them saying is pretty much the same thing, year after year.

I thought penicillin was supposed to cure every damn thing.

What color is supposed to make people look less fat?

A “C” is the new “B” and an “A” is just showing off. campus talk

Can you spell that?

(When asked at a police checkpoint to recite the alphabet backwards)

Is prison food better than dorm food?

I’m starving.

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I need a damn drink.

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june 2012

I’ll just cram the night before the test; I’m going out tonight.

Don’t I get one phone call?

Do you think back they’ll bring n o debtor’s pris oan for student l deadbeats?

I should clean up around this shit hole.

Totally useless fact: The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

We can help you find your way to your next apartment…

WWW.COLLEGERENTALS.COM

EASY DOES IT!

8

Things You Should Never

By Adam Defrin

Do At A Guy s Place ’

Your night is winding down. Last call has been made, and it looks like your evening will sadly be over before you even have the chance to realize that you spilled beer all over yourself, have an unzipped fly and are completely, utterly drunk.

That is, until you bump into that guy who you’ve been trying to hook-up with lately. Between the mutual drunkenness (and the attraction felt due to the mutual drunkenness), something is going to happen between the two of you. Your night will be a success, unless you do one of the eight things listed here.

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Totally useless fact: The male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

EASY DOES IT! 1) DON’T: Eat all of his food

3) DON’T: Bring another girl

Ah, the drunken munchies. Everyone gets ‘em. They’re the only reason that places like Taco Bell have any customers. I hate to sound like an ass (or be the cause of an eating disorder), but these late-night munchies need to be tamed…especially when you’re at a guy’s place. It’s not so much that we mind our food being eaten. It’s just a huge turn-off to see a girl eat an entire box of Wheat Thins, three pouches of Gushers and a bowl of Easy Mac. It makes us want to vomit.

So you’re not sure if you want to go through with it. You bring your friend along just-incase you want to back out. Maybe you’ll give your friend a silent motion to let her know if you want her to stay or go while he’s not looking. Either way, the guy gets the hint: he’s “a questionable.” No guy wants to be “ a questionable,” and even if he gets the thumbs up, he has the fact that the girl wasn’t originally sure in the back of his mind.

So, bottom line: don’t bring a wing girl… unless you have intentions of including her in the events to come.

2) DON’T: Vomit Vomiting warns the guy that you’re way too drunk to be doing anything besides sleeping face down. It also lets him know that you’re going to be sloppy. If you throw up, a guy is very unlikely to follow through with the hook-up, because he knows that you’re not going to be very good at any sexual act that he had intentions of doing with you.

He also doesn’t want that nasty flavor on his mouth…or penis!

And now, just to even the playing field, a hot, female CT writer sounds off with a sharp, witty rebuttal:

Things a man should never tell a woman If he likes having two balls

By Maria Luisa Baltodano

1 ) “ You don’t look fat in that dress; you

look like a friggin’ hungry hippo.”

2) “ Molly used to move her tongue

around like this. You should, too.”

3) “ You look like Bigfoot with Hirsutism (the scientific name for excessive hairiness in women) down there.”

4) “ Nice make-up job. Are you in the Picasso drawing class, too?”

5) “ Wanna make-out? There’s a really nice Port-O-Potty down the road.”

6) “ Your eyes are the color of two turds festering in the morning sun.”

7) “Can’t you open your mouth any wider?”

8) “What’s your name again?”

9) “ How much do you weigh? I’m pretty sure it’s more than Lindsay Lohan but less than Rosie O’Donnell.”

10) “Congratulations! When’s it due?”

11) “ You’d be perfect if you didn’t have a mouth.”

12) “Just squat in the bushes.”

13) “Bend over, biotch.”

4) DON’T: Pass Out Imagine running a marathon. You’re in first the entire way. You’re approaching the finish line, about to seal the deal, but, suddenly, you trip up. The others run over you and finish the race, and you just lie there in pain.

That’s the pain a guy feels when a girl comes over and passes out before anything even happens. Actually, they’re nothing alike, except for the fact that you never get to cross the finish line in either situation.

I mean, I guess you could go in to kiss the girl, but that would just be crossing the line – in a totally gross, non-sexy way!

5) DON’T: Change female hygienic products She’s been in that bathroom for a while. Is she preparing for me? Is she getting ready for what’s about to go down? Oh, O.K., she’s done.

“Hey, what’s up?” Hmm, I kind of have to use the bathroom, too. “I’ll be right back.” Wow, I drank a lot tonight. This girl so wants it. What is that in my garbage? No way. She wouldn’t.

Ewwwww. Don’t let this happen to you. The main reason it’ll break the night is because the guy knows that he can’t get as far with you as he was hoping to, but it’s also just a huge turn-off to see such a bloody nightmare in your garbage. Don’t get me wrong – we’re all about getting the blood flowing – as long as it’s not yours!

6) DON’T: Wear regular panties Honestly… why would you do such a thing?

You know a guy is going down there. You know that he will see what you have on. You know that once he gets those pants off, he’ll want to see something that’ll turn him on even more. Sorry, ladies, but regular Hanes just won’t cut it. Let him take off something that has as much cloth as his sock, like a g-string, a thong or even booty shorts. That last one’s a stretch… but I guess when it comes to the panty department, a little stretch can be a good thing, right?

Totally useless fact: In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Since we’re on the topic of what to (not) do at a guy’s place, we figured the article wouldn’t be complete without mentioning things you should never tell a guy, regardless of whether you’re at his place, at your place, at a water park, at a sporting event, at the Playboy mansion, at a movie or at a Girls Gone Wild pimps and hoes hoedown. So, here we bring you…

5 Things you should never say to a guy

By Michael Fresco

1) “I used to be a man.”

Good to know in advance that you’re a d*$#head. Thanks for the “heads-up.”

2) “I’ve seen bigger.”

Even if you have seen bigger, pretend that you haven’t. Better yet, convince yourself that you haven’t.

3) “Can you go buy me some tampons?”

No, no thanks.

4) “Your bathroom is nasty.”

Guys don’t want their world of girls and their world of bathrooms colliding, except for in the shower. Besides, if you’re bothered by it, clean it yourself!

5) “Let’s wear our matching green polo shirts tomorrow!”

I have a friend who did this and was later hung from the flagpole by his balls. True story.

7) DON’T: Move your bowels This is unnecessary…and gross…and nasty… and, well, shitty! That’s why this act should be taken care of before you go out for the night.

Girls don’t even take craps, do they? Either way, if you can do it and get away without it being noticed, then all the more power to you. But if you do it, and the guy notices, it could possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to you. He will tell his boys. And they will tell their boys.

And before you know it, you’re left with a (drum roll, please) crappy reputation.

8) DON’T: Deny the suggestion of the use of a condom So you say it feels better. Granted, it may.

But if a guy pulls one out, do not tell him to put it away. Depending on the guy, he may or may not like the idea, but either way, his perception of the kind of girl that you are will be changed, and honestly, do you really want him to equate you with that drunk, easy chick he met last year while on spring break?

Didn’t think so! campus talk

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let’s not be stingy!

Tipping101

By Maria Luisa Baltodano

For when a mere slap on the back just ain’t enough.

So, you wanna be a good tipper, huh? Then spend a week in our shoes, as we illustrate tactful tipping protocol:

4 more people you shouldn’t overlook

Let’s say you have a whole week jam-packed with appointments in different places.

On Monday, you go to a hair cuttery, and Lorraine, with the funny hair license picture, gives you one hideous coiffure. You hate it, yet she did spend a whole hour on your head. Do you tip her? Heck yeah you do. You give her a nice 15 percent. Do you think she wanted to wash your crusty head before she Edward scissor-handed your hair? She probably couldn’t see how she was cutting your hair from all the dandruff. Pay up.

Now, on Tuesday night, you decide to go to the early supper show at the nearest strip club. You’ve got your wallet with you, yet you’re unsure of how to tip. Look at it this way: If she bends over almost far enough for you to see what she ate for dinner, the tip goes higher like $5, but unless you’re at the Waldorf Astoria of strip clubs – aka Mons Venus, tipping more than 20 bucks is ridiculous.

Come Wednesday, you realize you want to look just like those booty-shakin’ strippers and want a bikini wax. If you’re a guy – you take your girl. Ladies, if you have a hairy Timbuktu (or are ahem – surfin’ the crimson tide), you may want to tip a little more than the standard 15–20 percent. After all, this waxer has her hands full, to say the least. As per the men, if you’re taking your girl and you get to watch, tipping should go way up. You can even tip your own girl an extra 10 percent for giving you a show and not to mention, for going through that pain.

Finally, it’s Thursday, and it’s time to go out. Whether it be quarter bowling or ladies’ night at a club, there is sure to be a bartender around somewhere ready to leech out the cash off your back. For some odd reason, it seems that even making someone a Shirley Temple constitutes a $3–$5, tip because you need “like so much talent” to make one. Unless the bartender flashes you, leave at least 15–20 percent. After all, they do have to deal with your drunk-ass all night.

As per Friday, do what we here at CT do best: party it up!

Cow Tipping Tips • Be sure the ‘cow’ you are trying to tip isn’t a bull. You might get a tip from the bull instead.

• Do not make “moo” sounds. This only aggravates them.

• Do not try to ride the cow like a horse.

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Shot Girl These girls never have too much trouble scoring a big tip. I don’t think it’s because of how great the watered-down watermelon test-tube shots are, but it probably has something more to do with their own set of watermelons. Keep handing out those 20’s without asking for change, though. You may just get a late night, after-hours “tip” of your own. Wink wink.

StriPper Yes, we know we already covered this, but just a tip to the wise: An appointment at the student health care center might not be a bad idea if you’re planning on paying for more than a lap dance.

Flight Attendant Don’t worry about tipping a flight attendant.

The only tip this person needs is to watch out for protruding elbows as she pushes that drink cart down the aisle.

Cab Driver If your cabby takes the quickest route, speeds and drives like he’s in a video game, all in an attempt to get your er tipsy (okay retardedly tipsy) “Can I off you a ride ?” roommate home, then you must downtown show your thanks. Leave him an extra five in addition to the 10–15 percent you already tipped. That should cover the cost of an air freshener and disinfectant spray. One more tip – a few bucks for a cab may seem like a hassle, but a couple thousand bucks for a DUI is worse.

By Joe Supervielle

Tipping Tips: • Do not make friends with the cow.

Remember, you are there to TIP the cow.

• Do not dress the cow up in a pink tutu.

They like blue.

• Do not eat a burger in front of the cow. They have feelings too!

“Com che e and coc ck out m nicekpit. It’s y up in and co there zy .”

In case you’re still not getting it!

• Tattoo artist: 10–20% Less Common People to Tip, too: • Furniture or appliance • Porter or skycap: $2 per bag • Bellman at a hotel: $1–2 per bag • Hotel maid service: $1–5 per day

deliveryman: $5–10 • Flower deliveryman: $2–5 • Pizza (or other food) deliveryman: 15%, but no less than $2

Totally useless fact: The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE! I’m what people call an idea man. Ideas fall off of me like leaves from a tree in autumn except that you don’t have to wait three whole seasons for the leaves to grow back and then fall off again. My ideas keep coming like an evergreen tree which really doesn’t have leaves unless needles are leaves but I think you get the point...

Credit By john scheck

Where Credit is Due After a run-on sentence you need to take a deep breath…run-on sentences and deep breaths are my ideas, both of them.

I am always thinking of new and exciting things. Exciting can be synonymous with dangerous but you sometimes never find out until you try something once…or twice assuming you survive the first time.

No one suspected that shoving a broom handle in the spokes of your bike wheel for the purposes of braking could present certain challenges to the safety of the rider when traveling at 50 kilometers an hour down a steep hill, but at least now we have answered that mystery. I’m not saying that all my ideas are good, just that I have a lot of them and for most I have received no credit or monetary recompense.

Everyone has heard of the rule that pizzas are free unless they are delivered in 30 minutes or less. I came up with that concept. Granted, I was working for the Detroit coroner’s office at the time so the notion of getting death certificates in 30 minutes or less didn’t gain much popularity, but this same idea took the pizza delivery world by storm. I haven’t received so much as a free order of cinnamon sticks for my brilliant idea.

If you read the instructions on a bottle of shampoo you’ll noticed that it says “Lather, rinse, and repeat.” That whole “repeat” thing was my idea for which I received a boatload of cash. Unfortunately, I lost that and a lot more from subsequent legal battles after I put this same “repeat” instruction on a line of handguns I manufactured. Maybe I should mention that this stylish line of pistols were of a rather high caliber.

It was yours truly who came up with a numeric system for describing human elimination procedures; the old and very familiar No. 1 and No. 2. For decades now this simple numerical hierarchy system has ensured that two people wishing to use the same restroom at the same time have some kind of order as to who enters first, which would be No. 1, of course, unless they happen to be on holiday in Mexico in which case No. 2 trumps No. 1. Although I hold the patent on this procedure, I haven’t been able to turn even a modest profit. I have accepted my fate and I don’t waste time thinking about water – or other liquids or solids – under the bridge.

How was I to know that when I coined the phrase, “The best things in life are free” it would come back to bite me on the ass? I didn’t mean the stuff I came up with should be free; I was talking about stuff you download or that bag of groceries I got when the guy next to me on the bus fell asleep and missed his stop.

Totally useless fact: The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

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…BUT YOU CAN BE IMMATURE FOREVER

Kid Shows

by Brian Hodges

Every College Student

Should Be Watching If there’s anything college is about, it’s not acting your age. In both directions. On one hand, you’re drinking several years before the law says you’re allowed. On the other, you take naps, eat cereal for dinner and wear your backpack with both straps on. It’s time to really indulge this latter aspect of college. There are a ton of shows geared toward little kids which, in the spirit of good old fashioned college regression, can absolutely be enjoyed by someone living in the dorm… especially when you do that whole drinking-before-you’re-technically-old-enough thing.

YO GABBA GABBA – Nick Jr. (TV–Y)

Like a bad acid trip gone horribly horribly right, this loud, brightly colored show is ostensibly aimed at preschoolers. But with its trippy animation sequences and even trippier-looking main characters, not to mention the indie rock acts like MGMT and Jimmy Eat World who frequently show up to perform and surf on cats (yes really), it’s clear Yo Gabba Gabba’s other target audience is college-age stoners. And hey, what better way to reinforce such lessons as “Eat Your Veggies” or “Don’t Bite Your Friends” than to have them scream-sung at you by a furry green monster and giant French tickler?

MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC – The Hub (TV–Y)

Pink, purple and sparkles ain’t just for little girls anymore. In fact, if the whole “Brony” craze (seriously, look it up) is anything to go by, it ain’t just for girls, period. By effortlessly combining the saccharinely sweet with the subtly snarky, this latest Pony incarnation has already found mass appeal with everyone from three-year-old girls to thirty-year-old men! That’s because rather than falling back on the trite old trope that all any girl (or pony) wants out of life is pretty hair and lovely tea parties, the creators gave their characters unique (gasp) personalities. Personalities that often clash, making for decent storylines and even better humor. The only question is whether you’re man enough to give it a shot.

ADVENTURE TIME – Cartoon Network (TV-PG) PHINEAS AND FERB – Disney XD (TV–G)

Blending juvenile humor with the kind of sarcastic winks and references that can only be appreciated by an elder viewer, this cartoon finds brilliance in following the exact same formula every single episode. The titular prodigies build some ridiculous invention while their older sister sets about trying to “bust” them. Meanwhile their secret agent pet platypus (yep) battles the evil Doctor Doofenshmirtz before he can use his own twisted invention – a “(something)inator” – to take over the Tristate Area. Full of ridiculous scenarios and hilarious one-liners, mixed with a brand of subtle humor that appeals to the hipster in all of us, there’s a lot here to like.

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THE LEGEND OF KORRA – Nickelodeon (TV–Y7)

Fans of Avatar: The Last Airbender are already on board with this one. The original animeinspired cartoon was easily one of the best written shows for any age group ever, full of detailed mythology, amazing fight sequences and no shortage of complex characters who kicked all sorts of element-bending ass. This new incarnation takes place seventy years after the conclusion of Airbender and incorporates the same water-, earth-, fire- and airbending action, but with an added helping of steampunk awesomeness. Not to mention, there’s a new sport called “Professional Bending” which, in this writer’s humble opinion, is destined to become the new Quidditch.

With its vague innuendos and mindf*** situations, one could be forgiven for assuming this cartoon is some sort of Adult Swim offering. In a post-apocalyptic world where the basic laws of physics seem to bend to the animators’ immediate needs, the series follows Finn the sword-wielding Human and Jake the shape-shifting Dog as they battle the evil beard-flying Ice King. Their various (adventures? tangents? A.D.D. streams of consciousness?) put them in frequent contact with hordes of side characters whose own internal physics likewise bend to the whims of the animators. But blatant absurdity often gives way to surprisingly heartfelt moments and kid-friendly lessons such as “Don’t Judge Others”, “Use Your Imagination” and “Make Good When You Boil Someone in Acid.”

Totally useless fact: My Little Pony was introduced by Hasbro in 1981.

New Work Policies Updated 5/10/2012

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to our salary, if we see you wearing $750 Prada shoes and carrying a $900 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement or medical certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE:

(For Pregnancy): Out of the question. If you will take the proper measures before sex this will not become a problem.

Too many times we get someone trained and then they get pregnant. This costs us money and is not acceptable.

If you get pregnant you will be expected to work. We will allow you one day in which to have your baby. You must specify that day 2 weeks in advance. Once you have specified a date for the birth of your child, you MUST stick to it. No exceptions.

PERSONAL LEAVE:

Each employee will receive 104 days of personal leave a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

COMPANY VACATION DAYS:

On top of your entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year, we allow all employees to take their vacation at the same time every year. The company vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 and Dec 25.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, and after work. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

For instance, all employees whose names begin with “A” will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with “B” will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. However, both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

LUNCH BREAKS:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Management realizes that some may view these policies as harsh but you have to understand that this is not only a fun place to work, it’s a business.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, complaints, irritations and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week!

Totally useless fact: Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.

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The Night the Lights Went Out in Gainesville It may be hard to believe, but Gainesville’s move to public power began in late 1911 over a $7.30 bill dispute. At the time, Gainesville was a small town just getting used to hosting the six-year-old fledgling University of Florida, and the community’s electric needs were served by the privately owned Gainesville Gas and Electric Company, known as GG&E. In response to residents’ frequent complaints that the downtown streetlights were either off or poorly maintained, the City Council informed GG&E that $10 would be deducted from the December bill. The company would accept only a $2.70 reduction. The City refused to pay, so GG&E cut off the power on January 26, 1912.

“Gainesville streets are in the dark and local residents are wondering what to expect next,” read an article in The Gainesville Sun the next day.

Citizens were outraged at the lack of control they had over their streetlights and organized a grassroots campaign to demand the creation of a city-run electric utility. They got their wish. Construction of the downtown power plant, now the John R. Kelly Generating Station, was started the next year and completed in 1914. So began Gainesville’s ownership of a public power utility, which became Gainesville Regional Utilities.

Reliable and safe, not-for-profit electricity from a hometown company–that’s the benefit of public power.

Celebrate with us. For a list of events and upcoming contest details visit www.gru.com.

One community. One request. One hundred years of GRU service.

CHARTED

THINGS MY DOG IS AFRAID OF

WINNERS OF THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT

strangers

the cat

winners from the planet earth

the vacuum cleaner

WHERE I PLAY POKEMON

A ROMANTIC MOVIE

anywhere outside

i’m going to die alone!

my house

on the toilet great movie!

Totally useless fact: The Grateful Dead were once called The Warlocks.

aww, so sweet!

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your relationship get-out-of-jail-free cards!

This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

One hour of video game play free of conversation/ nagging This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

One day free of relentless text messages asking annoying questions like, ‘What are you doing?’ or ‘What are you eating for lunch?’

This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

One evening of truthful, open conversation before returning to blatant denial This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

One 24-hour period One random booty A trip to the of uninterrupted movies, and you dance in any remote control can pick the film public setting usage This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

replication of One sexual act One disgraceful One infamous scene performed solely antic to prove the an from an 80’s extent of my love romantic comedy out of spite This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

The willing consumption of truth serum to see if I’m hiding anything This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

One omission of guilt This

One night of careless drinking where I won’t cry the whole time and yell at you for ignoring me This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

One argument where ‘I’m fine,’ actually means I’m fine 20

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♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

This

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

One apology acceptance where I’ll actually forgive you (and not store it away for later)

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

One three way where you can do more than just watch

The duration of one sporting event where I won’t make you explain every play

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

This

One day of acknowledging the fact that you’re slowly changing me for the better

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

♥ Coupon is redeemable for:

One evening of letting you think you ‘wear the pants’ in this relationship

Totally useless fact: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

hahahaha

A note left for milkman: Do not leave any milk at Number 22 today as Mr. Jones has died until further notice.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.

He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. He said, “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

“I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.”

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry. Here, the first one’s on me.”

The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Totally useless fact: Charlie Brown’s father was a barber.

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frank!

FRANK

cab driver

THE FRank’s stunt double

Hi Frank,

My boyfriend plays video games ALL… THE… TIIIIME! To the point where I honestly feel second place. How do I get him to pay attention to MEEE? Shayla Any man who would rather shoot pretend terrorists than touch real boobs doesn’t deserve the option. Dumping him is almost too nice. I think you should plan to sleep with his best friend during his next quest or campaign, then text him a picture of the act with the words GAME OVER. But I’m old fashioned that way.

FRANK FACT: Until you’ve mastered Pong, you will get no gamer respect from Frank.

Hey Frank,

Here’s one for you. My boyfriend has a mullet. Like an honest-to-god mullet. He’s really proud of it too. Of course he doesn’t call it a mullet. He just thinks he has “really cool long hair.” What… THE HELL… do I do about this? Jaclyn Let your carpet region grow into a tropical forest and say you’ll get a trim when he does. I’m betting he blinks first… probably after he gets poked in the eye.

FRANK THOUGHTS: “Business in the front, party in the back,” sounds like you dig backdoor action.

Hey Frank,

I am so freakin STRESSED. All the time. Family stuff. Boyfriend stuff. School stuff (summer classes). I know you used to be all high strung and now you’re apparently all Zen. Any advice for getting past this? Sandy MY solution was “selfmedicating” to the point of almost dying and losing all motor function for a few months. It’s pretty easy (read: obligatory) to stay mellow after that. Probably not the go-to solution you were looking for though. Have you tried yoga or crap like that?

FRANK FACT: Frank has been banned from every yoga studio in the state for continually farting in downward-facing dog.

Yo Frank,

Have you ever seen or listened to Dan Savage? That guy gives way better sex advice than you! Axel Have you ever met or kissed my ass? Because it doesn’t actually care if you get laid or not.

FRANK FACT: The original idea for this column was to have Frank’s ass dispense the advice.

Advertisers and common decency killed that plan.

Dear Frank,

My roommate keeps filling our DVR with episodes of Jeopardy.

How do I get him to stop? Joel In addition to deleting anything over a month old, I say you switch his settings to record the Spanish version and see how long before he asks, “Que Pasa?”

FRANK FACT: Frank still tapes his shows on a VCR.

ask

Frank a question fra nk@my

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c ampu

stalk .

co m

Totally useless fact: A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat.

shut up and drive Holla Frank!

I can’t help it. I really like showtunes. Do you think that makes me gay? Doug No, but it does make you sound remarkably ignorant for a dude whose musical tastes should really put him above such alpha male thinking and judgment.

FRANK FACT: After seeing RENT Frank used a calculator to verify the number of minutes in a year.

O hai Frank.

OK b strt wit me. How u rly plz a man in bd? Georgette The only surefire way I know is to say he doesn’t have to wear a condom, but after popping a kid and some genital herpes u ain’t gonna b plzing nobody. It’s not that difficult ladies. If a guy gets off, he be rly rly plz’d. Make sure he puts on the freakin’ rubber though.

Help Frank!

My brother keeps trying to act like an overprotective dad with any guy I’m with, grilling him with questions and acting like he’s a serial killer who’s going to rape my corpse. How do I get him to butt out? Sarita Um… I’m going to assume that this is only going on because you’re both home for the summer, which means you may just have to do all your conjugal activities at your flavor of the week’s house. If it’s an ongoing thing even while you’re at school, maybe I’m guessing it wasn’t the best idea to share an apartment with a family member.

FRANK THOUGHTS: Paying family members are the only ones allowed to dispense unsolicited advice.

FRANK FACT: Frank needed an intern to interpret that email for him.

Hi Frank,

My boyfriend smokes. I really like everything else about him, but can’t stand this disgusting habit. No amount of pressure seems to get him to quit. Any thoughts? Laurin Lots of girlfriends will try to withhold sex as a way of providing motivation, but even the finest of booty (that is a term you young people still use right?) is no match for full-blown nicotine addiction. Rather than punishing him for it, switch to a reward-based system. For every Big O he gives you, he is allowed to smoke one in your presence.

It won’t get him to quit, but at least it’ll allow YOU to reap some benefits out of his habit. On the other hand he may just dump you for another smoker.

FRANK FACT: Since quitting, Frank has substituted his post-sex cigarette for a post-sex Big Mac. Farting and clogged arteries are more socially acceptable than lung cancer.

Frank Frank FRANK!

My girl is flat as a board. How can I convince her to get a boob job without looking like an a-hole? Fitz Pay for it.

FRANK THOUGHTS: They’re real if you can touch’em.

Dear Frank,

I have the chance to study in Europe next semester but I’m afraid of what it will mean for me and my boyfriend. That’s a long time to be apart and remain faithful. What do you think? Leah Are you worried about him remaining faithful or you remaining faithful? Because, if you both sleep around it’s not really cheating, is it.

FRANK FACT: Frank thinks French women are way sexier than American women even though they don’t shave their pits. Sexual liberation trumps good grooming every time.

Follow Frank on Twitter @ FrankCabDriver

ask

Frank

k .com a qk@uestion pustal m a c y m fran

Totally useless fact: The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright.

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one liners!

p u k c Pi s e n i L

If you were a booger I’d pick you first.

h o c o l ate I ’m l i ke c o k l i ke o l I ; g n i d p ud I ’m a s c rap b u t c a n b e. swe et a s If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.

a n e e b e You’v /boy. bad girl my room.

Go to Do you

have the time? (She gives you the time) No, the time to write my number down He: I know how to p

lease a wo man.

She: Then pl leave me a ease lone.

24

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Totally useless fact: A group of unicorns is called a blessing.

play with yourself

GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW FL AK ES

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

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play with yourself

UOTE TO Q

LETTER BOX

C RYP

Wishing well

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

TRY SQUARES 26

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Totally useless fact: A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

you sooooo cheated

WORD HUNT! ! t o n k fear

MEGA MAZE where’s frank?

Totally useless fact: A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.

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tic tac toe!

Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the boredom of class!

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Totally useless fact: John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

ATTN: LOCAL PUBLICATIONS! Do you need a better solution to around town distribution?

Street Teams can deliver your publication to over 1,000 local businesses and street boxes.

STREETTEAMSDISTRO@GMAIL.COM

Totally useless fact: Woodpecker scalps, porpoise teeth and giraffe tails have all been used as money.

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CRUEL AND UNUSUAL… YA THINK?

History’s

Most Notorious

h t Dea

by Brian Hodges

The Death Penalty.

Throughout history it has been the ruling class’s ultimate bargaining chip.

Only recently have cries of “cruel and unusual punishment” made the government rethink its highest act of law and order. But as execution laws are gradually overturned and devices such as the gallows and the electric chair are replaced by more “civilized” means, be glad for the era you live in. Not so long ago, speaking out against capital punishment would probably have earned you a governmentsanctioned execution, courtesy of these far more painful and creative methods.

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DEATH BY ELEPHANT

SCHAPISM

A means of death so horrible that even Dante mentions it in his eighth circle of hell, this hollow brass bull was a favored killing contraption in Ancient Greece.

After stuffing the condemned inside, a fire was set underneath the bull, turning it into a giant slow cooker. An intricate system of acoustics converted all those agonizing screams into the sweet bellowing sounds of a riled up bull… so as not to disrupt the emperor’s mealtime. As if all that wasn’t atrocious and degrading enough, the victim’s heatpolished bones were later broken up and turned into bracelets.

Remember as a kid how freaked out you got when Dumbo’s mom went on that rampage? Now imagine yourself lying beneath her, and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what it meant to be a condemned criminal throughout India and Southeast Asia up until the 1700s. Since elephants are highly trainable animals, the severity of your sentence depended largely upon the Maharaja’s mood. If you were lucky, he’d just order that big bag of leather to stomp on your head.

But if it was a spectacle the crowd desired, old Elsie could use her feet, trunk and “hardwareaccented” tusks to do all sorts of neat-o things to your defenseless tax-evading body.

NOTABLE USES: Ironically, the

NOTABLE USES: According to

NOTABLE USES: Convicted of

BRAZEN BULL

inventor himself was shoved inside mere minutes after presenting his work of art to a noted tyrant.

the third book of Maccabees, angels thwarted an Egyptian pharaoh’s “mass elephantization” of the Jews under his rule.

Criminals in Ancient Persia would have welcomed our sissy old electric chair compared to what awaited them. In schapism, the prisoner was tied naked to a wooden boat and force-fed milk and honey to the point of diarrhea. Whilst they relieved themselves, additional honey was spread all over their skin. Set adrift on a stagnant pond, the sweet smell of sugar and feces would attract all manner of insects who then stung, bit and bore the doomed sailor to their liking. Eventual death by some combination of starvation, dehydration and sepsis often took up to a week, though insanity was nice enough to set in after just a couple hours. killing a Persian prince, a man named Mithridates survived seventeen days before his schapism finally ended.

Totally useless fact: Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.

CRUEL AND UNUSUAL… YA THINK?

Penal ties BLOOD EAGLE The Vikings didn’t like entrusting their executions to wild beasts or over-elaborate contraptions.

Preferring to get in there with their own bare hands, these Norse alpha males began by cutting, breaking and yanking the victim’s ribs out through their back – giving the appearance of bloodstained wings. After that, the sons of Odin would reach in and pull out the lungs of their gasping plaything. Assuming the battered eagle survived that far, salt was then sprinkled into the wounds… and, for all we know, turned into a post-execution haggis feast.

NOTABLE USES: In the book

Hannibal by Thomas Harris, everyone’s favorite cannibal, Hannibal Lecter prepares one of his “meals” via the Blood Eagle.

Dell recommends Windows® 7.

What will you buy with your $200 Dell promo eGift card?* Student only offer: Want an Xbox® 360? Digital camera?

Skull Candy headphones? When you spend $699 or more on select Dell PCs we'll send you a $200 Dell promo eGift card* to use towards whatever you want.

CRUCIFIXION

No discussion of capital punishment would be complete without mentioning the crucifix: a death so fashionable that it transcended time. No seriously, this popular method of execution began somewhere around the Babylonian Empire (circa 1700 B.C.) and was handed down from nation to conquering nation all the way up to the Romans – who really brought it into the mainstream. After tying or nailing the prisoner’s arms to a wooden crossbeam, death came (slowly) in the form of asphyxiation as the weight of their own body effectively crushed their lungs.

Bodies were usually left hanging as a not-so-subtle reminder to the rest of the population.

NOTABLE USES: Xena Warrior

Princess was nailed up no fewer than three times over the course of her series.

Totally useless fact: 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 dictionary were misspelled.

NEW Dell™ XPS™ 13 Ultrabook™

Dell.com/dellu/FloridaStudents Member ID:10600227

Important details: All orders are subject to approval and acceptance by Dell. Offers subject to change, not combinable with all other offers. Taxes, shipping, handling and other fees apply. Valid for U.S. Dell University new purchases only. Availability of electronics and accessories varies and quantities may be limited. Dell reserves right to cancel orders arising from pricing or other errors. * Promotional Gift Card Offer: Offer contingent upon purchase of eligible product; Promotional card not valid if eligible product is returned for a refund. If eligible product is returned for a refund after the card has been redeemed, the value of the redeemed card will be deducted from the refund amount. Promotional Gift Card ships separately from purchase and typically arrives in 10-14 days via email and carries a 90 day expiration (except where prohibited by law). Terms and conditions apply. See www.dell.com/giftcard/ promoterms.

Trademarks and copyrights: Intel, Core, the Intel logo, and Ultrabook are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S. and/or other countries. Microsoft, Xbox and Windows are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.

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HISTORY LESSON!

In History

This Month

By Naomi Piercey

There’s no denying… it’s heating up for sure! Know what else is hot? JUNE HISTORY, you fool! Here at CT, we like to slurp down our Mai Tais and history at the same time, and we figure you could do with some summer studying, too. But trust us – it’s not as bad as it seems. At least not as bad as the actual summer school you’re in right this very second.

1st 1938:

The Superman comic was published. Let me just say, no journalist has ever looked as sexy.

2nd 1886:

We all know the stories of White House promiscuity, but during this June, President Grover Cleveland turned down all of his interns’ advances and tied the knot while in office. Lucky for his wife… she got to live in the White House without all the cruel months of washing dishes on the campaign trail.

3rd 1964:

The rolling stones began their first U.S. tour this month.

Genius. Also, young men across America began emulating Mick Jagger. Mistake.

6th 1933:

The first drive-in theater opened in Camden, New Jersey.

It wasn’t the first time that teenagers would have sex in the backseat of a car, but it was the first time they’d do it while trying not to watch a movie at the same time.

JUNE 6th NATIONAL

YO-yo

DAY

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7th 1775:

The United Colonies became the United States. Yeah, I totally agree with our Founding Fathers – “colonies” sounds super lame.

9th 1934:

Donald Duck made his debut in June ‘34. Oh, the ‘30s… a time when big corporations wouldn’t get in trouble for making fun of someone with a lisp.

11th 1982:

The famous movie “E.T.” was released. If only we had known that little Drew Barrymore was going to turn into a druggie, recover, be in a hot-girl movie with Cameron Diaz and then date a loser like Justin Long. Oh well… it was still a cool movie.

14th 1942:

Walt Disney released the smash-hit “Bambi” on this day. But, we all know what they should have called it – “Brace yourself, the little dude’s mom totally gets shot by a hunter and dies.” That would have definitely saved a lot of tears when we were younger.

28th 1820:

NEWS FLASH: On this day, it was discovered that the tomato – that scary red fruit/ vegetable thing – is actually NOT poisonous.

If it weren’t for some daring soul, we wouldn’t have salsa, spaghetti sauce or (gasp!) pizza.

14th 1775:

The U.S. Army was formed. Why? Well, gosh darn it, we had to fight the British!

And what are they doing today? Whatever it is, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the Monarchy and tea-drinking chaps.

Whether you’re in a yo-yo relationship, have a yo-yo diet or just a have an actual affinity for yo-yos… break out the champagne because it’s National Yo-Yo Day! It’s actually Donald Duncan’s (the guy who made these silly things so popular in the U.S.) birthday today so “shoot the moon” or “walk the dog” in celebration of his marketing techniques. Just a few facts about these ironically easy contraptions:

Some say yo-yos originated between 500–1000 B.C. That’s an old-ass toy if you ask me.

The word “yo-yo” may be derived from the Filipino word, “tayoyo,” which means “to spin,” NOT a doubled form of street slang (which I’m guessing you learned from an older brother who enjoyed molding you into a social outcast).

The largest yo-yo is 256 lbs.

That’s like 2 ½ anorexic models, which might sound easy but would still take a really strong wrist to curl back and forth on a string.

In 1992, a yo-yo took a trip into space, thanks to Jeffery Hoffman on the Shuttle Atlantis.

The aliens are having a field day with this ball on a string conception. It’s no wonder they feel bad for us.

Totally useless fact: The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

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Totally useless fact: The game of lacrosse was invented by Native Americans.

damnyouautocorrect.com

Totally useless fact: Volleyball was invented in a YMCA in 1895.

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charted

THINGS I REGRET

WHAT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT FINDS IMPORTANT INTERNET PIRACY

FARMVILLE

DECLARING PIZZA A VEGETABLE THE CRUSHING DEBT

WHAT MY BACHELOR’S DEGREE DOES

WHAT ASSASSIN’S CREED TAUGHT ME

history

how to kick ass

helps me get a job

looks good on my wall

40

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italian

Totally useless fact: A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won’t.

unleashed!

How to

Sex &ics Polit

Get A-Head In the World

of Lust Has sex become nothing more than a political quagmire marked by hidden agendas, steamy affairs, and sexy scandals? Despite our supposed “party loyalties,” are we all independents at heart who want nothing more than to get our freaks on, even if it means transcending across party lines, cheating on our significant others and casting our vote for the candidate who promises to redistrict our erogenous zones effectively? I ask you, my fellow citizens, are we all really free riders lobbying for more benefits and less commitment?

Why are we so consumed with attaining what we can’t have, rather than what we can?

Whether it be a forbidden boss/employee relationship, a taboo teacher/student encounter, or an infamous president/intern liaison, one relationship we seek is the man/ woman relationship. No wonder things get political when it comes to sex.

Please don’t get the wrong idea here.

I’m just campaigning for better sex, and I’m not afraid to take a firm, liberal position in order to do so. When our forefathers framed the constitution, they set forth inalienable rights that we, as citizens, can all take full advantage of. And let me tell you, I believe wholeheartedly in the right to bare arms, shoulders and midriffs.

But, if showing a little flesh indeed grants us some special benefits, it seems as if we’ll eventually come to a point where we’ll take advantage of these rights and use them to seduce people into becoming stripped of their inhibitions and their protective clothes.

Has sex then, become nothing more than a tag game in which the players engage in a sexy game of skill, strategy and chance? If so, you’re it. Do you cheat on your significant other and randomly sample what’s out there, or do you stay loyal to your party? Or, do you plead the fifth?

We have to ask ourselves, do we really want that oh-so-sexy forbidden affair, or are we just programmed to think we do? It seems as if infidelity is becoming more and more accepted in our society. But there comes a point when we must realize that the right choice isn’t always popular, and the popular choice isn’t always right. Whether

we’re republicans or democrats, we must ask ourselves, is the enemy really a member from the opposing party? Or, is the greatest enemy indeed thyself? It seems as if our greatest threat to achieving personal freedom is our inner weaknesses that fall prey to untamed lust. While many people view political leaders as superior and knowledgeable, it’s important to realize that sometimes even heroes run out of super powers and fall short of the same scruples we forgo when we cheat. When it comes to relationships then, be democratic and realize that everyone has a choice in what they do… or what they don’t do. So don’t cheat yourself out of an honorable and dignified sense of self. Instead, vote for me, Julie Gracemen, for house whip. Just make sure you punch the hole in my butterfly ballot when doing so!

Totally useless fact: The last Playboy centerfold to have staples in it was published in 1985. The model was Venice Kong.

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SUMMER FUN!

By Kelli McKinney

Loads of Fun with

CT’s Miniature

Football Since we know how boring your life is going to be this summer, we thought we’d help you out. We’ve come up with a revolutionary game that will entertain you, and anyone else you suck into playing, for hours upon hours. Okay, so this game has actually been occupying kids’ time in class since the dawn of man, playing it while their boring teachers drone on about things they’ll later wished they had paid attention to. But, we thought we’d reintroduce it to the college population and give you a chance to pass the time quicker when you’re stuck at your parents’ house while all your friends are gallivanting across the country on some cool summer trip.

Step 1:

Cut paper along solid lines to make three strips. Each will be used to create its own football.

1

Step 2:

Turn strip of paper over so that dotted lines are face down.

Starting at the top left corner, fold along the diagonal then straight lines until you get to the last straight line.

Step 3: Fold the bottom left corner along the dotted line.

2

Step 4:

Fold bottom triangle along the straight line and tuck into the top triangle to create one triangle.

Step 5: Repeat Steps 2 through 4 for other two strips of paper.

4

3 play ball

In five easy steps, you’ll be ready to play against the most worthy of opponents with three amazingly folded paper footballs! We figured three would be more than enough to cover the ones that inevitably end up crumpled in the trash, because they poked your mom in the forehead one too many times.

Basically, the rules are simple. Have your opponent stand on the opposite side of a table and make a goal post using his thumb and pointer fingers. You place one corner of the triangle on the table, holding it in place with your pointer finger. Then, taking the opportunity to hit him in the eye, nose or forehead, flick the football across the table in an attempt to get it through the “goal posts.” Best out of three wins, or until all the footballs end up in the trash.

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Totally useless fact: Shirley Temple always had 56 curls in her hair.

summer fun!

T

AR ST

T

AR ST

T

AR ST

NG

LDI

FO

NG

LDI

FO

NG

LDI

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HERE

HERE

Totally useless fact: Spiders have transparent blood.

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CONGRATULATIONS This award is presented to:

Award 2012

Muscle Shirt Bro

I

n recognition of your deluded determination to flaunt your “Pecs” for all to see. It would be one thing to bust the muscle shirt in the gym, but NO, that is not enough time for your “Pecs” to shine, and oh, they will shine. In restaurants, in bars, in classes and parks, you will not deny your fellow patrons the gratification and delight that is the iridescent visual spur of your man tits!

presented by signed date

Totally useless fact: The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.

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summer beauty

Ultra Bland Facial Cleanser

by Lush Don’t be fooled by the name, this is not your ordinary plain Jane facial cleanser. The simple and natural ingredients like essential oils, honey, rosewater and beeswax, will suit any skin type and remove anything from makeup to dirt build up, locking moisture in and leaving your skin feeling soft and nourished.

1.5oz $15.95 / 3.5 oz $29.95 Lush.com

Summer is officially here and that means more sun and fun than ever before! Don’t forget to nourish yourself when you get a little too crazy, so check out these great new products that will put a warm glow right into your beauty routine.

Re-Moisturizing Shampoo

by Philip Kingsley Summer activities and weather make for a good time, but all that fun can stress out your hair. Free of sodium laurel sulphate and colorings, this gentle formula features proteins that cleanse, moisturize, reduce static and improve texture. $22 PhilipKingsley.com 46

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Hot June Beauty

Re-Moisturizing Conditioner

by Philip Kingsley Oats aren’t just for breakfast. This specially formulated mix of wheat proteins, oats and propyl parabens help smooth and seal coarse, wavy, curly, or frizzy hair, while penetrating to the root with moisture. Bonus: this conditioner toughens the hair shaft which helps prolong the life of color treated hair. $28 PhilipKingsley.com Totally useless fact: Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk.

summer beauty H’Suan Wen Hua Hair Moisturizer by Lush

This superfood for your hair may not be easy to pronounce, but you won’t care after one use of the creamy intensely moisturizing hair treatment. These ingredients aren’t just good for your body, they’re good for your hair, too: the balsamic vinegar shines, the eggs provide a protective coat, and the bay leaf infusion tones and clarifies your scalp, giving your locks a nutritious burst of health and strength it’s been starving for. $19.95 Lush.com

GloDust 24K by Glo Minerals

Dust up your beauty routine with this fabulous line of skin friendly and antioxidant rich products. This shimmering sparkling can be shimmered onto the face, body or hair, giving you a subtle sexy gleam. $37.50 www.gloprofessional.com

Arthritis Pain Patch

by Salonpas

Having a little too much fun this summer? If that’s even possible, slap one of these soft and flexible pain-relief patches on an achy spot, and relax a little, will ya? www.salonpas.us Available online and nationwide at retailers for under $10

Stuff!

China Glaze Nail Polish in Splish Splash Celebrate summer with a splash of something blue. This bright sky blue shimmer will remind you the sky really is the limit. $7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide China Glaze Nail Polish in Orange You Hot? You are hot aren’t you? No really, that’s the name of this bright orange shade touched with glimmering gold. $7 ChinaGlaze.com; salons nationwide and Sally Beauty Supply and ULTA stores nationwide

Eye’m Tired

by Hard Candy

Have a rough night? Save the zombie look for the movies and go ahead, roll out of bed and roll this anti-puffing serum gently under your eyes - its rollerballs will massage away the night before, leaving you looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. $5 Available at Walmart Stores and Walmart.com Brightener Highlight Concealer by Glo Minerals Brighten up with this must have concealer that brightens skin and erases shadows.

With an antioxidant blend of vitamins A, C, E and green tea extract, you can wake up your beauty routine with open eyes and a fresh look. $16 www.gloskincare.com

Totally useless fact: The “L.L.” in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Revitalize Natural and Organic Facial Treatment

by Ecco Bella

For a dewy glowing look, without the oily skin and breakouts, try rejuvenating your burnt out skin this summer with essential oils of Vitamin E, Jojoba, neroli, jasmine and sandalwood. A few drops on your face, neck, scalp, and even in a warm bath will nourish and detoxify your pores, naturally leaving you with a radiant glow. $26.95 www.eccobella.com campus talk

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When you see it around town…

…you’ll say to yourself, “hey, that’s the What’s Happening Truck!”

FOR OUTDOOR ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES, CONTACT SHANE AT 352-371-5881 OR EMAIL US AT: INFO@THEWHATSHAPPENINGTRUCK.COM

apply today

VSDFHV DYDLODEOH IRU LPPHGLDWH PRYH LQ

C7 44BC0C4BD 5 2>< _aXePcT QTSa^^\b QPcWa^^\b _Tc UaXT]S[h aTb^ac bch[T [XeX]V X]SXeXSdP[ [TPbTb bP]S e^[[ThQP[[ QPbZTcQP[[ R^dacb " aTb^ac bch[T bfX\\X]V _^^[b

"$! %(! " " } "$!& BF ! cW 0eT

RIDDLE ME THIS!

MIND

#1

My first is twice in apple but not once in tart. My secon d is in liver but not in heart. My third is in giant and also in ghost . Whole I’m best when I am roast.

What am I?

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

#5

has no What begins and ding end? What is the en of all that begins?

1) A pig, 2) A sponge, 3) An odometer, 4) Are you asleep? (or dead), 5) Death or decay

#2

of ’I m full et I’m holes, y water. full of I? What am 50

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#3

You have to travel n far before you tur it over. What is it?

#4

What question can you never hon estly answer yes to ?

Totally useless fact: Lenny Kravitz’s mother played the part of “Helen” on “The Jeffersons.”

hahahaha

r Remembe to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “If an emergency, notify,” I put, “Doctor.” What’s my mother going to do?

A college student said to his mother, “I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!”

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

“That is very nice,” muted his mother. “You can go upstairs and start with your room.”

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, “Get me a coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension!

Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?”

“No.” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good,” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

Totally useless fact: Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.

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A DASH OF THIS, A HEAP OF THAT

Cafeteria A

re you sick of the cafeteria yet, with all its bland, featureless food just this side of the expiration date? How any freshman manages to pile on 15 pounds by scarfing down that crap is almost as mysterious as the ingredients in Monday night’s “Meat and Cheese Casserole.” Of course, unless you’re dating a Subway employee who hooks you up with free sandwiches, you most likely can’t afford not to eat on campus. But cafeteria food doesn’t need to be the cause of unintentional anorexia… or bulimia for the more committed among us. By properly utilizing a few key condiments, you can make even the most disgusting slop on your meal plan seem downright edible.

WARNING:

against food t STD’s, these condiments have no power Just as the birth control pill will not preven tasting food can give you the trots. good even ber, remem and risk own your poisoning. Consume at

Consumption

Essential Condiments for

by Brian Hodges

GREEN TABASCO SAUCE Cheese is the glue that can hold even the most disparate of ingredients together. Even ground beef mixed with lima beans, turnip, kale, pepperoni and stewed prunes doesn’t taste like such a strange combination with a couple handfuls of stringy mozzarella swirled throughout. Sprinkling a little cheddar over the top of a salad can also serve to make the lettuce feel not so limp.

Use this little bottle to zest up everything from burgers to eggs. Unlike its fiery red counterpart, “Green T” packs just enough punch to wake up your tastebuds without overpowering them so much that you can’t taste anything. You may just find yourself bounding out of bed in the morning for a double helping of the line cook’s signature runny omelet. As an added side benefit, this particular condiment may also encourage you to meet your daily recommended intake of water.

GARLIC POWDER

CROUTONS

SHREDDED CHEESE

Seriously, how can a group of (supposedly) trained culinary professionals screw up something as simple as pizza? I’m not sure either, but they’ve apparently committed themselves to the task. Create your own little corner of Little Italy by dumping generous heaps of garlic powder onto pizza, pasta or any other concoction that utilizes cheese and tomato sauce. Just make sure to carry breath mints wherever you go.

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We’ve all seen what they can do for salads, but feel free to sprinkle or crumble these tasty seasoned bread crumbs into any dish that’s at least 50 percent liquid: soup, stew, chili or the aforementioned Monday night mystery dish. Sometimes a little crunch is all it takes to trick your taste buds into thinking you’re eating something worthwhile, and not, shall we say, something even the dog was too proud to bother with.

SALT

An obvious one, yet one that should be held in reserve for when all other condiments have failed to produce palatable results. No need to go clogging our arteries unless absolutely necessary, am I right?

PEANUT BUTTER

Face it, some meals are beyond salvation no matter what you pour into it. When all else fails, a PB & J sandwich is the ideal standby for one very important reason: none of the ingredients were made by the cafeteria staff.

They didn’t bake the bread. They didn’t mix the peanut butter. They didn’t puree the jelly.

It may not be the classiest meal you’ll ever eat, but at least you can rest easy in the knowledge that there is absolutely no conceivable way the cooks could have screwed this one up.

Totally useless fact: In Montana, it is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Totally useless fact: It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.

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Summer Sandals

Step into

Summer Blew out your flip flop? Don’t worry, replace it with any of these stylin’ summer sandals and you can kick back this summer looking good from head to toe.

Shell Summer Stripe Cotton A gladiator sandal that keeps you looking feminine and chic. $49.95 RocketDog.com

If you’re going to try walking in someone else’s shoes for a bit, you might as well make them stylish ones.

Babydoll Guatemala Stripe For a girly, easy-to-wear look, slip into these sling backs with accent bow. $44.95 RocketDog.com

Sandy Coconut Shell Fabric A lighter version of the gladiator sandal, these will keep your feet feeling light and airy. $44.95 RocketDog.com 54

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Totally useless fact: The Old English word for “sneeze” is “fneosan.”

Summer Sandals

Miss Me Leon 11 Cream Braided Ankle Wrap Thong Sandals Your summer wardrobe isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t complete without the perfect neutral sandal. $25.00 lulus.com

GoMax Berdine 41 White Cutout Cage Thong Sandals Shape up in these sassy vegan leather knotty toe thongs with fun-shaped cutouts. $32.00 Lulus.com

City Classified Rovia Salmon & Light Tan T Strap Thong Sandals Bring out the city girl in you with these bright coral orange patent T strap thongs with contrasting tan vegan leather belts and adjustable gold buckles. $19.00 Lulus.com

Suede Colorblock Sandal in Rust These vegan suede t-strap sandals have a dainty braiding that will slim your frame. $19.40 GoJane.com

Bamboo Cable 03 White Strappy Thong Sandals These white vegan leather gladiators feature strappy criss-crossing from thong to slingback. $20.00 Lulus.com

Strappy Leather Sandal in Chestnut Rock these anywhere from a day at the beach to an informal dinner party with the gals. $14.30 GoJane.com

Totally useless fact: Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

Two-Tone T-Strap Sandal in Black For a good time, try a dash of color, a ton of comfort, and touch of luxe metallic accents. $14.30 GoJane.com

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Summer Sandals

Waveseeker MB Slip-on Made with water-friendly quick-dry stretch material, these colorfully bright and comfortable slip-ons are great for hot and wet summers. $49.99 Oceanminded.com

Scorpion This surplus-inspired sandal are made to be both comfortable and durable. $39.99 Oceanminded.com

Sanuk Women’s Fraidy Cat Thong Sandal in Orange Don’t be afraid of these super comfy, super soft bright flip flops with terrycloth liner and shabby unfinished edges - the grippy rubber soles will you keep you sturdy in the wettest of conditions. $36 Sanuk.com

Umi The thin straps of the versatile lightweight sandal come in a variety of straps making this great everyday wear.

29.99 Oceanminded.com

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Beer Cozy Men’s Sandal in Black With footbeds made from real yoga mat, you can really sit back and enjoy with your favorite brew with these custom-fit feeling flip flops. $32 Sanuk.com

Totally useless fact: Hugh “Ward Cleaver” Beaumont was an ordained minister.

Is Internet included in your rent?

Before you sign or renew your lease, ASK if GATOR NET is included in your rent or ASK your property manager about getting GATOR NET at your complex!

SM

To find a listing of apartments that feature GATOR NET, log on to gator.net .

50 Megs of speed included in your rent Download classes in SECONDS... movies in MINUTES No more freezes or delays

Powered by GRU t gator.net

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*GATOR NET optional communities allow you to purchase 50 Megs for $24.95 per month.

get these in your life!

By Daniel Sutphin

ROCCAT Isku Illuminated Gaming Keyboard

Featuring ROCCATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Easy-Shift[+] technology, the Isku offers 36 easily-customizable macros strategically positioned in three spots. This means users can fire off orders without readjusting hand position or taking your eyes of the screen to look for keys. And because the Easy-Shift[+] key works just like the standard shift key, activating your macros is as simple as typing an uppercase letter. The Isku also allows users to instantly switch between five profiles providing up to 180 macros! $89.99 www.roccat.org

ROCCAT Kave Gaming Headset

Reaction time is key to any gamerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s skill set. Being able to hear your opponent before you actually see them can make all the difference in a game of survival. The ROCCAT Kave Gaming Headset features full 5.1 real surround sound so that gamers can experience every footstep or explosion as if they were in the real world. It features real 40mm speakers plus an additional vibration unit embedded into each ear cup. This technology provides gamers with a rich, detailed gaming environment to make any digital world into reality! $109.99 www.roccat.org

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Totally useless fact: There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill.

get these in your life!

Satechi BT Portable Speaker

An easy day at the beach can always be made better with the right music, but lugging speakers around is annoying and most internal speakers on the device are weak and uninspiring. Satechi BT is a Bluetooth stereo speaker system that combines excellent audio performance with a cutting-edge portable design. It connects wirelessly to any mobile device allowing you to listen to music in high quality audio or to speak with callers through the built-in DSP microphone. $44.99 www.satechi.net

Bracketron Smuggler Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not a day at the golf course without some cold beverages. The Smuggler stashes your beverages in a soft-sided cooler that fits easily inside your golf bag and holds up to six cans of your favorite beverage. It includes re-usable gel packs to keep your cans cold for hours!

$24.95 www.bracketron.com/smuggler-soft-sided-cooler

Totally useless fact: Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off.

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get these in your life!

Swann MP3 DJ Doorbell With so much technology available, it’s hard to believe there have been so few advances on the traditional ‘ding-dong’ of a doorbell. With Swann MP3 DJ Doorbell, disregard tradition and blast your favorite tunes through its customizable wireless music doorbell. For installation, it has two main components: a doorbell unit, backed with double sided tape for easy mounting in your doorway and a speaker unit for mounting inside with screws in the pack. You can also store your favorite songs by adding an SD card! $49.99 www.swann.com

Archos 70b It (Android 3.2 Honeycomb Tablet)

Perfect for a day jam-packed with classes, the ARCHOS 70b Internet tablet is a compact, Android-powered tablet boasting a high-resolution screen, a powerful 1.2 GHz ARM processor and runs Google-certified Android 3.2 Honeycomb. ARCHOS Internet Tablets are the thinnest and lightest around and are great for using Internet, Apps and media when on the go! $199.9 www.archos.com

Just Mobile WM-818 Horizon Wall Mount for iPad and iPad 2

College housing can often be quite restrictive, especially when finding space for so many different gadgets. Just Mobile Horizon is a minimalist wall mount for iPad and iPad 2. Crafted from high-grade aluminum, Horizon comes with rubber inserts that hold the device firmly in place, without the need for complex brackets. With a hidden dock connector slot and rubber home button, your wall-mounted iPad will work in both landscape and portrait modes. $49.95 www.xtand.net

Sevylor Water Covered River Tube with Cooler

When the summer hits full stride, the heat and humidity can be brutal, which means it’s time to hit the water. Not only built strong and tough for heavier river conditions, the Sevylor River Tube offers a cup holder to place your drink and a built-in cooler that houses six cans of your favorite beverage. $59.99 www.sevylor.com 60

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Totally useless fact: Charles de Gaulle’s final words were, “It hurts.”

get these in your life!

MyPix2Canvas: GalleryWrapped Canvas Prints Show that special someone how much you really care with MyPix2Canvas. Digital photos are printed on museum-grade canvas and sealed with a protective coating. Prints are wrapped on high-quality, kiln-dried fir stretcher bars. MyPix2Canvas provides a number of edge options and can print the photos in full color, sepia tone or black and white. They also offer free color correction, red-eye removal and date stamp removal!

MyPix2Canvas combines several years of fine art, giclee printing experience with exceptional materials to provide you with a high-quality canvas photo print. $31.80 (8” x 10”) to $352.11 (40” x 60”) www.mypix2canvas.com

Ematic E sport clip

It’s good to be in shape for the beach but working out can be boring. The eSport Clip is a great way to pass the time while exercising, working or even just enjoying a day at the beach. Use the built-in clip to securely attach the eSport Clip to your clothes, allowing you to keep your hands free while listening to music or watching videos! $43.75 www.ematic.us Totally useless fact: A group of owls is called a parliament.

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CHARTED

FEMALE HOW MANY TIMES SEQUELS ARROGANCE METER RUIN ORIGINAL MOVIES

SEQUEL IS BETTER ALL THE TIME

STUFF I LEARNED IN UNDERGRAD THAT I ACTUALLY USE AT WORK HOW MUCH I USE HOW MUCH I FORGOT

HOW MUCH MY PROFESSOR SAID I WOULD USE

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Totally useless fact: The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.

CHARTED

LIFE

PEOPLE THAT I WANT TO GO OUT WITH

PEOPLE THAT I AM ABLE TO GO OUT WITH

WHEN A SEX PREDATOR KNOWS HE’S IN TROUBLE PARENTS COME HOME POLICE SHOW UP

“WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A SEAT RIGHT OVER THERE“

Totally useless fact: St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man who ran a saloon there.

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spotted!

G.I. JOE: RETALIATI ON

Spot The Differences

64

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june 2012

nson, hanning Tatum, Dwayne Joh C is Will Ray Park, Bruce

Totally useless fact: It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Totally useless fact: The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

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1) Dwayne's watch is missing, 2) Dwayne's tattoo is missing, 3) Gun is missing from table, 4) Pencil on desk is different color, 5) Girl's face is covered, 6) Girl's belt is missing, 7) Hand on left foreground is missing watch, 8) Bruce's shirt is covered

LIST

CHECK

spotted!

ready dot gov!

T

hese are official images from the U.S. Governmentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s website, www.ready.gov.

However, the text is our interpretation of what we think the descriptions should be.

n see more org www.safenow.o

66

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

After exposure to radiation, it is important to consider that you may have mutated into gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.

The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.

When the looting begins, remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.

campus talk

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Totally useless fact: There are 2,598,960 possible hands in a five-card poker game.

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Campus Talk

Witness for Contract: Naomi Piercey

Sanctioned Formal Booty Call Contract (FOR feMALES calling males)

This contract is for the sole purpose of mediating interaction between agreeing and participating parties in such-named booty call or any booty calls that may arise out of first-said booty call. If the honesty and validity of the contracted booty callee is, or is suspected to be, compromised, this contract may be set ablaze in a downtown public trash receptacle and a new contract may be therein issued.

I,

(full name of booty callee) (full name of booty caller) (date),

AGREE TO PARTICIPATE IN A BOOTY CALL WITH ON

(day of week),

(month)

(year).

THIS BOOTY CALL WILL LAST (circle one): One hour or less

| Until caller says so

Other:

| All night

| During the commercial break

| As long as callee lasts

of time.

THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY AS FOLLOWS: WHEREAS, the booty caller may decline to participate in activities of the booty call at any moment. Acceptable “declining statements” include, but are not limited to, the following: • I have a headache.

• Can we just spoon?

• This was NOT a booty call!

• You better not try anything, smartass.

Signature of Booty Caller

Date

WHEREAS, the booty callee understands that the following actions, although confusing and seemingly opposite in their meaning, do not necessarily guarantee a booty call will take place: • The mentioning of sexual puns and innuendos • A verbal agreement to “hook-up” • Removal of clothes • Kissing, touching or any body contact • The signing of this document

WHEREAS, it is understood that the consumption of alcoholic beverages, incessant video-game playing, loud burping or farting, poor physical hygiene, the mention of an ex-girlfriend or any other female, regardless of her relation to you, or no good reason at all may be grounds for breech of contract.

NOTE: Callee may re-initiate denied contact or action if, and only if, it is pre-empted by a formal request to the caller, done without any form of force or coercion, and as long as callee knows the result of his request may be a hard slap in the face (in some instances it may result in a quick blow to the testicles, but this has only been recorded in 22 percent of cases.

However, if you do not have quick reflexes, we advise caution with this step).

Additional comments or agreements:

Signature of Booty Callee

Date

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Campus Talk is not subject to harassment, complaints or lawsuits if aforementioned booty call goes askew for any reason. Our guess is that most guys won’t need a booty call contract to agree to a booty call. However, you might want him to sign this just in case you change YOUR mind. Facebook photos can be deceiving. Happy booty calling!

Totally useless fact: The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.

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Drunken people crossing

CAUTION

Totally useless fact: Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall.

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Totally useless fact: Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.

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Totally useless fact: Dart-boards are made out of horsehair.

Totally useless fact: The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets.

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Starke 1371 South Walnut St., Ste. 800 (904) 297-3532

*Sales tax not included. Limited time offer, while supplies last. Restrictions apply. Offer only valid with new activation of MetroPCS Samsung Freeform III, Huawei Pinnacle, or Kyocera Presto phones. $10 promotion fee on acceptance of offer. $25 per month service plan offer includes unlimited talk and text, voicemail, long distance calling, nationwide coverage, 3-way calling, caller ID and call waiting. Data services not included. MMS can be added for an additional fee. Offer not available with any other add-on features. Nationwide long distance only available to continental US and Puerto Rico. Nationwide coverage of over 280 million population based on 2011 Target Pro data. Any change in phone will forfeit this promotional service plan, and service will be charged at then available rates. Offer cannot be combined with any other offer. Offer not available for Family Plan discount or participation in Family Plan. No rain checks. Coverage and services not available everywhere. Rates, services and features subject to change. See store or metropcs.com for details and Terms and Conditions of Service. MetroPCS services for personal use only. MetroPCS-related brands and trademarks are the exclusive properties of MetroPCS Wireless, Inc. All other trademarks are the properties of their respective owners.

Totally useless fact: The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.

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Totally useless fact: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball

you sooooo cheated

WORD HUNT!

S R E W ANS

CR OS SWORD

SUDOKU QUOTE

fear knot!

QUIP{

GO FIGURE

Totally useless fact: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

TRY SQUARES

C RYPTO

where’s frank?

LETTER BOX

MEGA MAZE

SNOWFL AKES

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hahahaha

I bought my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It ripped her to shreds. I knew I should have bought her a car instead.

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

I made a telephone call to our local swimming baths the other day. “Is that the local baths,” I asked.

The voice replied, “That all depends where you are phoning from.”

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Definition of a Diplomat: A person who has the ability to say “Go to Hell” in a way that makes you look forward to going.

I knew my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend said to me, “The last thing that I would wish to do is to ever hurt you.” However, it is still there on the list.

Yesterday I met a woman who compiles crosswords for a living. Her name was M something R something A.

I saw an old man trying to cross a busy road the other day and asked him, “Why are you attempting to cross the road here when there is a zebra crossing 30 yards from here?”

The old man replied, “I hope he’s having more luck than I am.”

Totally useless fact: The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.

FASTER, HIGHER, NAKEDER

by Brian Hodges

A Brief

and totally incomplete

H istory of the Olympics

Has it been four years already? The Thirtieth Olympiad kicks off in London at the end of the month. Time to beef up on a bit of Olympic history, nerds.

THE RELIGIOUS TIE-IN

The ancient Greeks loved their athletics almost as much as their petty philandering deities, so pretty much every year saw an athletic gathering in honor of whichever god was up. But it was the festival of Zeus in the town of Olympia every four years that drew the biggest crowds who came as much for the scene (which featured animal sacrifice, fire eaters and enough prostitutes to put Amsterdam to shame) as they did for the games. Which is why the Christian Emperor Theodosius banned the pagan tradition in 393 A.D after over twelve hundred years of observance – proving once again, the only thing the Church is comfortable with sacrificing is the sex lives of its followers.

THE MODERN ERA

The Olympics wouldn’t return for another 1500 years when a Frenchman, Pierre de Coubertin turned them into a vanity project for his homeland. Upset over France’s defeat in the Franco-Prussian war, de Coubertin realized his countrymen were severely lacking in sports and other physical pursuits. His attempts to institute national athletic organizations were met with a palpable lack of enthusiasm from people who apparently preferred drinking wine and eating baguettes. Not to be deterred, de Coubertin aimed even higher, inspiring the formation of the International Olympic Committee which has overseen the modern games ever since. Thanks to de Coubertin, the games have run uninterrupted every four years since 1896… save for three times when pesky world wars got in the way.

THE GAMES

While events like gymnastics, the marathon and all team sports wouldn’t make an appearance until modern times, the ancient Olympiad’s original competition involved only a single foot race across the stadium.

As the tradition continued, other races (including one performed in full military armor) were added as well as more hard-core events like chariot races, javelin throws from horseback and a long jump where athletes threw lead weights to increase their distance. Boxing matches that went on too long would be decided by having the fighters take turns slamming each other in the face until one went down. But it was the pancration event that truly gave the ancient games some bad ass street cred. The UFC of its time, the only rules in pancration were no biting or eye gouging.

Beyond that you could punch, kick and sleeper hold your opponent at will until they tapped out, knocked out or dropped dead.

THE OLYMPIC FLAME THE ATHLETES

To say the Greeks were fans of the human form would be an understatement. Even the word “gymnasium” derives from the Greek word for “naked”. As such, most Olympians competed not only nude, but greased up in olive oil. Even women (who weren’t allowed at the Olympics, but had their own separate games) competed in tunics that exposed their right breast. Rather than gold medals, the victors received a palm branch or crown made of olive leaves. The real reward came later though, when every vestal virgin for twenty stadia clamored to be an unofficial Aphrodite priestess for the night. Back home, winners were greeted as heroes and even given special doors to the city which only they could enter. Compare that to today’s winners, whose biggest reward is a potsmoking video that suddenly goes viral.

Totally useless fact: Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.

This indelible symbol dates back to the ancient games where it commemorated the theft of fire by Prometheus for all humanity.

The Flame made its initial comeback during the 1928 Olympics in Amsterdam, but the torch relay wouldn’t be introduced until eight years later in Berlin as part of a Nazi PR stunt… which, as you might expect, led to numerous protests in the following years.

Still the tradition stuck. Several months before the Olympics are scheduled to start, the relay torch is lit at the site of the ancient games in Olympia. Eleven women, representing the Vestal Virgins, use a special mirror to focus the sun’s rays and ignite the torch. The path the torch takes varies by year and location, but almost always culminates with a famous local athlete lighting the flame during the opening ceremony. Points for most badass lighting, in this writer’s humble opinion, go to Barcelona in 1992 for lighting the torch with a flamin’ freakin’ ARROW! campus talk

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FIRE IT UP HARDCORE

Secrets for the Wannabe

by Brian Hodges

Grill Master Any Neanderthal can throw a slab of animal carcass onto a grill. But if you really want to keep people coming to your backyard barbecues, it’s time to crank it up a notch. Here are a few choice ingredients that will make you a grill god amongst cavemen.

FRESH BASIL & PARSLEY Best For: Steak Strips, Chicken Strips

Head to the produce section and grab one bunch of parsley and one bunch of basil.

Coarsely chop in equal proportion and throw into a bowl with a 2:1 mixture of olive oil and lemon juice. Add a bit of salt, a bit of pepper and some crushed garlic. While you’re usually supposed to marinate meat for several hours, marinades with fresh herbs are best used within minutes of creation. So throw in your meat of choice and let it sit just long enough to warm up the grill. Chicken can go on pre-sliced, but for ultimate juiciness, grill your steak whole before cutting into strips. Baste frequently and be prepared for flare-ups due to all the oil. Then serve on hotdog rolls for a treat that will forever ruin hotdogs for you and everyone you know.

ITALIAN DRESSING Best For: Vegetables

Hey, just because we’re alpha males making fire doesn’t mean we can’t have a comparatively girly vegetable or two. I hear they have vitamins in them and stuff. But when served next to all that amazing meat product we’ve been making, these things have really got to stand out. Italian dressing will accomplish exactly that. Cut your vegetables into one-inch chunks (bell peppers, onions, zucchini, eggplant and mushrooms work great) and throw them into a plastic bag with the dressing to marinate overnight. Stick them on wooden skewers and grill slowly on the top rack, basting frequently. You never knew not-meat could be so delectable.

BACON BUTTER Best For: Steak, Burgers

So long as we’re clogging our arteries, this heart-hating, tongue-loving concoction will create dozens of adoring fans and/or kill every house guest you’ve ever had. A couple hours before you grill, melt a stick of butter in a frying pan with finely chopped bacon and onion. Sauté until the bacon is thoroughly cooked then transfer to a small glass bowl with a few generous squirts of spicy mustard.

Stir and let solidify in the fridge. For steaks, drop a silver dollar on top immediately prior to serving, and slather. For burgers, you can just form your patties around a tablespoonsized lump. You and your guests will be sweating lipids all afternoon, but hypertension never tasted so good.

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AH-SO CHINESE SAUCE Best For: Ribs, Wings

This stuff is pretty much identical to the sticky red sauce Chinese restaurants put on spare ribs. Slather it over ribs or wings for something that will have your guests licking their fingers. There’s a bit of debate over whether you should sauce up before grilling or in the final minutes, so hey you might as well experiment with both. This product is huge in Massachusetts of all places, and hard to find anywhere outside the Northeast. But the miracle of the internet means you can order by the gross and see for yourself what a few million Red Sox fans have already discovered. Yankees Suck! Ah-So does not. … and come on, seriously how much fun is it to say that name in what will inevitably be an offensive Chinese accent?

WOOD CHIPS Best For: Damn Near EVERYTHING

What is it about campfire smoke that makes everything so damn tasty? I don’t know either, but it’s super easy to recreate the effect in your backyard. Head to the grill section of any big box store and you’ll see an array of differently “flavored” wood chips like hickory and mesquite. Soak the chips ahead of time in anything that inspires you – beer, whiskey, merlot, even water! Dump the chips into a smoke box, which you can get for less than twenty dollars (or improvise your own by poking holes in aluminum foil) and place between the burners and grill grate. Cook slowly and – to quote a friend and grill Nazi – “Leave the damn lid CLOSED!” The taste of the great outdoors meets the… slightly-more-fenced-in outdoors.

Totally useless fact: Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

oooh, nasty!

irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur

Check eoto send us picturees toof yo

Feel fre ment or roommat â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th

Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

Totally useless fact: Octopi have gardens.

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A RIDDLE, INSIDE A MYSTERY, WRAPPED IN A COPY OF CAMPUS TALK!

How 2

Become a Man of

The loner. The recluse. The mystery man. The guy who is such an enigma that others can’t help but find him interesting, cool and, yes, even sexy. You want this power but, sadly, you are not cool. So when auditioning (badly) for American Idol does nothing to enhance your popularity, try making a few changes and raise your social standing with a mysterious allure.

By Brian Hodges

YOUR APPEARANCE

You don’t have to go all shaggy hair, dark sunglasses and black trenchcoat to achieve mystery status. We’re going for sexy/ mysterious here, not oh-mygod-this-guy-is-going-to-killme/mysterious. Your wardrobe should set you apart as somebody who doesn’t give a crap about what the current trends are. It could be a collection of vintage t-shirts of The Clash or The Smurfs… really anything except Hollister High School. On the other hand, it could be a full suit and tie that you wear all day every day… even to breakfast… even on Saturdays… to the beach.

Whatever the fashion statement, be consistent so everyone everywhere understands that the look is uniquely, and unapologetically, yours.

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Mystery YOUR PHILOSOPHY

Every idea, spoken or otherwise, that emanates from your person should be shrouded in political and ideological obscurity.

Whether it’s the books by Aristotle, Nietchze and Machiavelli that you’re seen reading around campus, the quotes from Karl Marx, Howard Zinn and Richard Dawkins that you regurgitate during coffee house discussions, or even those perplexing bumper stickers on your car that say, Rational Miser, Absorb and Degrade, or simply even Schwa, (You may need to Goggle these meanings!)

Everything you say – which, incidentally, should be very little – must make others think you are an enigmatic thinker who somehow bears the unfortunate burden of knowing the full Truth.

YOUR HOBBY

Just like in the movies, every handsome mystery-freak should have some kind of odd pastime – whether it be something dangerous like playing chicken, something rebellious like destroying parking meters or something totally lame like videotaping plastic bags. Hobbies involving some equally strange prop – gyroscope, abacus, wood-burning stylus – are the best choices. Whatever leisure activity you choose, it should be eccentric enough to prompt others to inquire about it. And when they do, be prepared with a self-evident response – “What, you’ve never seen a guy inscribing cat hairs before?” – indicating that this is just another average day for a shadowy figure such as yourself.

YOUR COMMITMENT

Mystery can’t be achieved overnight. Above all else, you must allow sufficient time for the enigmatic mystery that is “you” to permeate the collective consciousness. Otherwise, everyone will recognize you for the poser that you really are.

So stick with it. Stay dark. Stay mysterious. Above all, stay focused. Show everyone over and over again that you truly don’t care about what anyone thinks of you… even though, mysteriously, that’s really all you care about.

Totally useless fact: There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.

BOGUS LOGOS!

we’re not kidding!

It’s all about raising brand awareness, not suspicions.

The message you send to the public is of the utmost importance. And if it’s one that promotes sex with kids – well, that is a customer base that you want nothing to do with.

Plus – where were the board meetings for these logos? A second opinion could have saved these companies. To save yours, CT put together five serious rules to follow when deciding what to plaster on your office window:

By Naomi Piercey

NO HUMPING. Yes, you might see it at the club. Hell, you might like to do it in your spare time, but unless you want your customers to be lonely husbands, sex-crazed state senators or horny canines, you must eliminate humping from your logo. An easy way to do it is to recognize what constitutes a human image and refraining from backing them up to each other (spooning is also frowned upon). Obviously, this guy should have gotten a second opinion.

NO ILLEGAL ACTIVITY. No matter if it insinuates drug use, theft or the idea that you give children sex change operations, it’s just wrong. Plus, you need an adult signature for some of that. I don’t care if it makes you more money in the end. The government will eventually come after you (although it seems at the moment they have their hands full overseas), and when they do, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do.

One look at this and I can tell that these guys did NOT get a second opinion.

NO PEDOPHILIA. People don’t like people who have sex with kids.

You get ousted from your community, have to introduce yourself to your new neighbors and might end up on How to Catch a Predator. The Catholic Church agrees – ordained or not, it’s looked down upon. And. . .everyone hates you! So why brand your company with a suspicious image? It’s a pediatric center – just show a damn baby and be done with it. Once again – no second opinion.

NO PENISES. While the male species is usually quite proud to show off what defines their manhood, women, quite frankly, don’t like the looks of those things. So when one stares you down from a company logo, especially when it seems to be reaching climax, we don’t think it’s a turn ON. And although it may seem to give a message that your company is always ready to perform, your customers might not take it that way. Way to get a second opinion, doctor.

NO INTERCOURSE. The “No sex in public” rule doesn’t discriminate between real people and drawings of people. And although many people may have had sex with their dentists, unless you’re running some sort of kinky doctor/patient role-play brothel in Nevada, I don’t think this logo will sell teeth cleaning. But hey, you have us laughing! I’m kind of glad this guy didn’t get that second opinion!

GET A SECOND OPINION! Totally useless fact: In England, the Speaker of the House of Commons is not allowed to speak.

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WHO STASHED THE CANDY? SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNSTMAN

e Scan th

WHAT: Action Adventure Drama WHO: Kristen Stewart, Chris

codee

Hemsworth and Charlize Theron

WHEN: June 1

to see th trailer!

With a twist to the age-old fairy tale, the evil queen orders the Huntsman to kill Snow White because she is the only person fairer in the land than she. The Huntsman discovers he is unable to murder the innocent young woman. He turns into her protector and mentor; training her as a warrior so she may threaten the evil queen’s reign.

flicks By daniel sutphin

PROMETHEUS WHAT: Action Horror Sci-Fi WHO: Noomi Rapace,

Logan Marshall-Green and Michael Fassbender WHEN: June 8 A team of scientists aboard the spaceship Prometheus voyage to investigate alien life forms. They discover a clue to the origins of mankind on Earth, leading them on a journey to the darkest corners of the universe. The team gets stranded on an alien world where survival is threatened. Amid their struggle, they realize that the horrors before them are not just a threat to themselves, but to all of mankind.

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ROCK OF AGES WHAT: Comedy Drama Musical WHO: Julianne Hough, Diego

Boneta, Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta Jones, Paul Giamatti, Mary J. Blige and Russell Brand WHEN: June 15 In a celebration of numbers from Def Leppard, Foreigner, Journey, Poison, Bon Jovi and Twisted Sister, this all-star cast combines to tell the story of two young people chasing their dreams in the big city. Set in 1987 Los Angeles, when Drew and Sherrie meet, it’s love at first sight, but their romance will be challenged when it’s faced with the whirlwind of Rock n’ Roll and potential fame.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER WHAT: Fantasy Horror Thriller WHO: Benjamin Walker, Rufus

Sewell, Dominic Cooper, Mary Elizabeth Winstead WHEN: June 22 In a reimagining of Abraham Lincoln’s secret life, the 16th President of the United States discovers vampires are planning to take over the United States.

He vows to eliminate the bloodthirsty monsters and save the country, becoming history’s greatest hunter of the undead.

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD WHAT: Comedy Drama Sci-Fi WHO: Steve Carell, Keira

Knightley, Melinda Dillon, Melanie Lynskey WHEN: June 22 With an asteroid headed straight for Earth, a man winds up alone after his wife leaves in a panic.

He takes a road trip to reunite with his high school sweetheart.

His neighbors join on the trek inadvertently putting a wrench in his doomsday plans.

Totally useless fact: Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

rent me!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS WHAT: Action Thriller Mystery WHO: Robert Downey, Jr.,

Jude Law, Noomi Rapace, Rachel McAdams WHEN: June 12 Detective Sherlock Holmes (Downey Jr.) kicks off an investigation into the death of Austria’s crown prince when evidence points to suicide.

He presumes that the prince was murdered and that the crime was part of a puzzle created by the evil genius, Moriarty (Harris).

Holmes and Dr. Watson (Law), joined by a Gypsy (Rapace), hunt Moriarty across Europe hoping to thwart his plot.

JOHN CARTER WHAT: Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi/Fantasy WHO: Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Samantha Morton, Willem Dafoe, Thomas Haden Church WHEN: June 5 Based on a classic novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the story follows war-weary, former military captain John Carter (Kitsch), who is inexplicably sent to Mars where he becomes embroiled in a conflict amongst the inhabitants of the planet, including Tars Tarkas (Dafoe) and the Princess Dejah Thoris (Collins). In a world near destruction, Carter finds his lost sense of humanity when he realizes that the survival of Barsoom and its people rests in his hands.

21 JUMP STREET

WANDERLUST

WHAT: Action Comedy WHO: Jonah Hill, Channing

WHAT: Comedy WHO: Paul Rudd, Jennifer

Tatum, Brie Larson, Dave Franco, Rob Riggle WHEN: June 26 Due to police misconduct, cops Schmidt (Hill) and Jenko (Tatum) must join the secret Jump Street unit. There they use their youthful appearances to go under cover as high-school students. But as time goes by, they discover that high school is nothing like it was just a few years earlier forcing them to again confront the teenage terror and anxiety they thought they had left behind.

Aniston, Justin Theroux, Alan Alda, Malin Akerman WHEN: June 26 After George (Rudd) loses his job, he and his wife (Anniston) must leave their ritzy Manhattan home to move in with his brother in Atlanta. Along the way, they decide to stay at a bed and breakfast, only to find that they are hunkered down in a free spirited commune. Where at first they are apprehensive, they decide to take the term ‘free love’ literally during their stay.

Totally useless fact: The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

MACHINE GUN PREACHER WHAT: Action/Adventure, Drama WHO: Gerard Butler, Michelle

Monaghan, Kathy Baker, Michael Shannon WHEN: June 5 In this true story, Machine Gun Preacher follows Sam Childers.

A former drug-dealing criminal, he experiences a shocking transformation and discovers an unlikely calling as the savior of hundreds of kidnapped and orphaned children. Butler takes on the role of Childers, the founder of the Angels of East Africa rescue organization. campus talk

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magic doors!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

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Totally useless fact: Only 1 percent of all the readily accessible water on earth is drinkable.

SPELL IT OUT!

ABC’s

of Drinking A Alcoholics Anonymous is,

contrary to popular belief, not a good place to meet hot girls with low self-esteem.

B Beer-bonging usually leads to barfing instead of booty.

C Crying over spilt beer is almost unavoidable but also very unproductive. Cry into a new beer instead.

D Double Bourbons usually lead to double vision and double the legal limit.

E Everclear can give your Hunch

Punch a little extra kick, but be warned – too much and suddenly more will be coming up than going down.

F Free shots are for suckers, unless you enjoy tossin’ back watered-down Ocean Spray.

G Gin and tonics are for grandpas.

Gin and juice is for gangstas.

Hallucinating from absinthe is a H myth and a money-taker. There are plenty of other cheaper, better tasting drinks that come without little green fairies.

I Indulge yourself with top shelf J

K L M

N O P Q

drinking water. at least once a month – you Rest your hard-working liver owe it to your taste buds.

R for a couple hours a day (sleeping during these Judge not the drink in the hand hours is recommended). of your enemy because one day you might just want to Salt, lime, tequila. Lick, try that Appletini.

S gulp, bite…grimace.

Keg stand – master it Try building the bar you’ve and master anything.

T been dreaming about. Build it and the hotties will come!

Last call doesn’t have to mean the end of the party – Ugly is a state of mind – just the end of the tipping.

U enough beers and your state of mind can change.

Money in the Emergency Beer Fund should only be used for Vodka pours first, mixer alcohol, not your roommate’s V pours second.

Christmas present (unless that When playing beer pong: no involves beer).

W bouncing and no blowing.

Natty light is the ho of beers – X-rated drinking games (strip it’s cheap, goes down easy, X poker!!) will always draw a and can get you very sick. crowd but maybe not the Obnoxious isn’t dancing on one you had imagined. the bar for a drink – it’s a nasty girl Your life isn’t over once dancing on the bar for a drink.

Y the drinks run out, it just Poke out that beer gut with temporarily sucks. confidence. A little pooch Zero-Tolerance: No means no, never hurt anyone.

Z guys, even if you did down an Question the bartender about entire fifth of Peach Schnapps. his/her drink-making skills, and you’ll soon be

We can help you find your way to your next apartment www.collegerentals.com

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Totally useless fact: Horses cannot vomit.

hahahaha

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

My wife went to our local ice cream parlor recently and asked for a vanilla ice cream.

“Hundreds and thousands,” asked the assistant. “No,” said my wife, “just one will suffice thanks.”

A king offered half his kingdom, 1000 kilos of gold or his daughter’s hand in marriage if any brave man could cross a river full of poisonous snakes and crocodiles.

No one volunteered, but one young man jumped into the river and crossed it without any difficulty.

The king asked: “What do you want brave man, half of my kingdom?” The man said, “No your majesty.” The king said, “Then 1000 kilos of gold?” The man said, “No your majesty.”

The king said, “Then my daughter’s hand in marriage?”

The man said, “No your majesty.” The king said, “Then what is it that you want?”

The man said, “The name of the person who pushed me in the river.”

I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that I had eaten a 12-pound marshmallow.

When I awoke this morning, my pillow was gone.

I was caught stealing in our local supermarket last week while balancing on a couple of vampires’ shoulders.

I was given 18 months for shoplifting on two counts.

The son of a powerful politician was boasting in a party: Do you know who my father is? Another guy: Shame on you. You are a grown man and still you don’t know who your father is.

Totally useless fact: Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875.

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Take cover!!

All the Things

You did not

Plastic Explosives!

Know About

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By Kelli McKinney

Before the turn of the century, most people didn’t have a clue what C-4 was, let alone how it worked or how to make it. Recently, it’s become an alltoo-familiar term appearing in newspapers and on television in relation to many military happenings. And thanks to shows like 24, it has also gained popularity through exposure in wfilms and video games.

Totally useless fact: Forty percent of people snoop in the host’s medicine cabinet.

What is it?:

C-4, or composition 4, is one variety of plastic explosive that is primarily used for military & commercial demolition.

The basic idea behind plastic explosives is to combine explosive chemicals with a plastic binder material, making it less sensitive to shock and heat and highly malleable, allowing it to be molded into different shapes to change the direction of the explosion. The explosion consists of two phases. The first, the initial expansion, causes most of the damage.

The second occurs when the gases rush back into the partial vacuum, creating a less-destructive inward energy wave.

How powerful is it?:

As with many explosives, a small amount of C-4 packs a pretty big punch. Less than a pound of the explosive material could potentially kill several people. A military issue M-112 block of C-4, weighing about 1.25 pounds, could easily demolish a truck.

Fortunately for you, we have the ingredients and recipe to make a C-4 explosive at homeâ&#x20AC;Ś did you really think we would publish something like that in our magazine?

You must be crazy.

How do you set it off?:

Even in the unlikeliest of events that you just happen to stumble over one of these explosives, it would take a lot to set one off.

Simply trying to light it with a match has only the same affect as burning a piece of wood. A detonator, with its application of both heat and pressure, would preferably be the best way to set off one of these big-time explosivesâ&#x20AC;Ś but let me see you find one of those at the local Wal-Mart.

Usages of C-4?:

Military teams and commercial demolition companies often use C-4 at demolition sites. The amount of explosive they use is usually more than required, guaranteeing successful completion of the demolition.

Soldiers would sometimes use small amounts of C-4 as a fuel for heating food while on long patrols during the Vietnam War era. Michael Herr relates in his book Dispatches that a soldier would occasionally ingest C-4 from his claymore mines in order to be sent on sick leave.

The plot often didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t work, though, as experienced commanders knew the trick and would force the man to keep fighting.

Advantages:

A major advantage of C-4 is that it can easily be molded into any desired shape.

Because of its puddy-like form, C-4 can be pressed into gaps or voids in buildings, bridges, equipment or machinery.

C-4 is also well known for its durability, reliability, and safety. It will not explode even if hit by a bullet, punched, cut, or thrown into a fire.

Disadvantages:

In their purest form, plastic explosives are very difficult to detect. They are odorless and free from metal compounds that might be picked up by detectors.

Interesting

Fact: C-4 is 1.34 times as explosive as trinitrotoluene (TNT).

Totally useless fact: The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour.

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EALIT r Y

Not everyone will grow up to become a rocket scientist