Campus Talk May 2015

www.mycampus talk .com MAY 2015

CAMPUS TALK IS A COLLEGE STUDENT’S BEST FRIEND

Blake

Cooper Griffin on the Ride with director Helen Hunt

Welcome to the

(Job) Jungle!

But what now?

Earn Your Respect…

End Roommate Rebellion

To Call or Not to Call

Proper Shotgun Conduct

Gadgets • Movies • Celebs • Nightlife • Jokes • Tons of funny stuff

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BREAKIN’ IT DOWN!

CONTENTS

GOOD

P30

READING

09 So You’ve Graduated

College ... Now What?

12 Living the Dream 16 How to Condition Roommates to Respect Your Stuff 18 Passive Aggressive Messages for Kitchen Thieves 30 The Flat-Earth Society 32 The Shotgun Code of Conduct 34 Cinco De Mayo’s Must- Have Mixed Drinks 58 Tiger vs. Lion

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P38 P09

P16

P18

P14

P34

P32

P12

Totally useless fact: The “dot” over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

breakin’ it down!

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT 22 You know You’re in College When 24

Buffalo on the Brain 35 8 Reasons Not to Drink 36 You Know You’re a Floridian If ...

37 Burned! The Worst Sunburns Ever 38 Summer Accessories 40 Beauty Reviews 42 Gadgets 44 My Job P37 49 Tune In. Turn On. Plug In. 50 Sore Thumbs 52 Flicks 59 No Cell Phone Sign 61 How do you Pronounce “Pecan”

P36

P42 P22

P40 P49

P50

P52

Totally useless fact: Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.

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WHAT’S on!

Editors ‘

LETTER Breathe in the air!

The time has come again to let loose and live it up for another semester is in the bag.

While some students will be traveling abroad, returning home to visit family or hitting the beach, others will be strung to another semester of work and classes. As with fall and spring semesters, balance is everything. Believe it or not, there are ways to enjoy the summer and still be responsible in your college obligations.

With the future in mind, we’ve provided some sound advice on how to face the oncoming reality as a recent graduate. For those of you still living the college grind, we offer some clever ways to deal with

disrespectful roommates. For the incoming students, we’ve also thrown in a twisted quiz to see just how ready you are for the college life. To take your minds off of school and work, we sat down with television and film star Blake Cooper Griffin to discuss his career and his new movie Drive.

No matter what your pursuit this summer, remember to make the most of the time while it lasts. It won’t be long before fall arrives and full class schedules resume.

Daniel Sutphin

Editor-IN-CHIEF Lauren Douglass

CONTENT EDITOR Daniel Sutphin

art director DANIEL TIDBURY

Graphic Design Jane Dominguez Daniel Tidbury

Contributing Writers Marc Douglass Lauren Douglass Daniel Sutphin Kelly Herman Brian Hodges John Scheck Sarah G. Mason Mike Capshaw kirsten neilsen Elizabeth putfark

FASHIon FEATURES Danielle Boudrea

SPeCIAL PROJECTS Jenna Herman

If you have any comments you’d like to share with CT, send them in to mail@mycampustalk.com and you’ll be entered into a drawing to win prizes!!

You may only be entered once, so don’t send us 50 comments thinking you’ll enhance your chances of winning! Employees of Campus Talk magazine, their relatives, their twins from alternate universes and their healthcare providers are prohibited from entering this drawing. Everyone else is eligible to participate… except for pandas. No pandas allowed.

nightlife Paparazzi Jason Frankenfield

Promotions Amanda Liles Karen Jones AnnMarie DeFeo Georgia Summerville

director of advertising Shane Howell shane@whpinc.com

Legal Counsel Gary Edinger

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MARC DOUGLASS

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Publishing division creating the best in college publications to college students.

Connecting students to student properties clear across the country. Traffic is our middle name.

From pens to ping pong tables, our promotional department can handle all of your logo merchandising needs.

Campus Talk is a humor magazine dedicated to relieving students of the pressures of everyday college life. Among essay exams, crowded classrooms, boring professors and messy roommates, Campus Talk offers a welcome diversion for those students “just trying to get away from it all.”

Different viewpoints may grace our pages but may not all represent the opinions of Campus Talk Magazine or its staff. Campus Talk should not be read by anyone suffering from heart ailments, unfunny syndrome or halitosis. All images depicted are purely coincidental.

Copyright 2009. All rights reserved, What’s Happening Publications, Inc.

Totally useless fact: Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc.

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

By Chris Jenkins

So You’ve Graduated College…

Now What?

SELF-EMPLOYMENT

It took nearly six years, but graduating college was relatively easy compared to what lies ahead. You’ve got to put aside the late-night partying and spur-of-the-moment tomfoolery for a ‘9-to-5’ sitting at some dusty desk in some crummy cubical at some boring business. Wait … it gets worse. Rather than pocketing your parents’ money for booze, books and thin-crust pizza, you’ll have to earn your own money and pay all your bills. On top of all that, if you ever want to host a ‘special friend’ again, you’ll have to pony up first and last month’s rent on a living-area outside of your parents’ domain. What’s a former college coed to do? Well, the way we see it, you’ve got four options …

NEPOTISM

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION

The Good: You get to shove that silver spoon a little further down your mouth with a nice, cushy job courtesy of some close relative or friend. You’ll walk into a decent starting salary with the promise of gradual pay raises every six months and little-to-no expectations from your superiors. You’ll also be hated by every regular Joe at your company. They’ll spit in your coffee and download awkward videos to your computer every chance they get.

The Good: Your workload will be easier than that one-credit flag football course you took your last semester in school. Half your day will be spent going on Facebook, checking ESPN.com and watching shows on Hulu.

You’ll have less stress than a Rastafarian on vacation in Amsterdam during the Cannabis Cup. Rather than actually doing work, you’ll spend most of your time making jokes at the office water cooler.

The Bad: Aside from the fact that you’ll be despised by all but three or four people at work, you’ll also be subjected to lingering feelings of worthlessness after you come to grips with the fact that your boss is essentially paying you to maintain his membership status at the golf club where your dad happens to be on the Board. Now ain’t that just the American way?!

The Bad: You’ll make no more than $30K a year, be forced to live off of Chef Boyardee (a slight step up from Ramen) and have to move into a one-bedroom apartment. Your boss will treat you like used toilet paper. Your boss’ boss won’t even know your name.

However keen your jokes may be, the water-cooler gange will be snickering more at the fact they make twice as much as you.

The Good: You’ll be your own boss. You’ll make your own hours. You can officially declare the Monday after the Super Bowl an office holiday. You can hire whomever you want, whether they are technically ‘qualified’ or not for the position. Without lying, you can finally tout the line, “I’m the boss,” when attempting to impress people at bars and parties.

The Bad: Not only will you not make money … you’ll lose money and possibly have to declare bankruptcy, too! No ‘qualified’ personnel will work for you. No one will be impressed by your “I’m the boss” line when they see you’re wearing a Target-brand dress shirt. More likely than not, your car, office and home will all be one in the same.

GO BACK TO SCHOOL

The Good: You get to put off responsibility for another two or three years while maintaining your current lifestyle of partying at least four nights a week. You’ll earn a better degree that’ll unjustifiably make you seem better than you really are in the eyes of corporate America. When you get out of graduate school, the economy won’t suck nearly as bad as it does now.

The Bad: You’ll incur tens of thousands of dollars in debt while not earning a single penny ‘til your mid-to-late 20s. By the time you receive your Masters and get a decent job, all the girls/guys will be shacked up with already-successful spouses who accepted high-paying jobs from their daddies straight out of school.

Totally useless fact: Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.

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A good year

Interview by Lauren Douglass

Living the

Dream

An interview with television and film star Blake Cooper Griffin on his role in the new release, Drive

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Totally useless fact: The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.Â

A good year 2015 has been good to Blake Cooper Griffin, and the year is just getting started. With his role opposite Cuba Gooding Jr. in Life of a King, now available on Netflix, and his character on the final season of Disney’s hit sitcom, Jessie, he’s getting plenty of face time with home viewers around the country.

Now, he’s amped to hit the big screen this month with Academy Award Winner Helen Hunt in her feature directorial debut, Ride, and again later this year with the feature length adaptation of award-winning short film, Love is All You Need?

Here, he takes time out to talk with us about what he’s learned working with the stars he grew up watching, and how he hopes to put those lessons to use on the set of the inspiring new films in his future.

Tell me a little about Ride. What was the filming like?

First of all, working with Helen Hunt is a dream come true for me. I followed her career and I actually got to work with one of her costars from As Good As It Gets, Cuba Gooding, Jr, earlier this year. Working with Helen, I found that I was a little nervous at first, but because she’s so good at what she does, she just puts you at ease right away.

As far as working on set, I got to work by the beach – not a bad place to clock in!

There’s a lot of surfing in the movie, and Helen actually does her own surfing, so that’s pretty cool!

How do you think you grew as an actor from working on this film?

I think that any time you’re around someone like Helen Hunt, someone that’s at the very top of their game, it’s sort of like being a sponge – you just want to watch everything they’re doing. Helen, who is starring in the movie and directing it, she’s totally devoted to the truth of her moment. That’s what she concerns herself with – what’re we doing in this scene and how that relates to the story we’re trying to tell. Sort of letting everything else fall away. I think that that’s what I took away.

Because as an actor, the truth of the moment is all you have.

What led you to become an actor?

It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I was five years old in South Carolina. I’ve always been really interested in people – I always wanted to hear their stories. And I like to be in front of people. As I grew up, I did a play in middle school and I loved it – I was like this is what’s up! I think my parents and everyone around me thought I was crazy because I was in the 7th grade saying, I’m going to be an actor!

What ways have you seen the industry change over the last couple of years?

More platforms. I think that’s the thing that’s really cutting edge about what’s happening right now. Life of a King now has a new life on Netflix, and people are tuning in to watch it when they want, creating their own schedule. I think Ride is also going to do an On Demand run, and other movies that I’ve been a part of have done that. I think what that does is it allows people to tune in when they want to, on their own time, and all the avenues allow so many different types of stories to be told from so many points of view.

Totally useless fact: The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.

I think it’s raised the game for content.

There’s serious competition and people are competing for viewers. I think we’re getting really strong stories out of it.

How do you keep yourself grounded?

The business can be pretty difficult, and that can keep you grounded in and of itself! But also, I wanted to do this because I have a genuine interest in people and interesting characters. Just connecting to that dream of a five year old kid – that’s humbling. I also have great people in my life that I’m surrounded by that keep me grounded. I have a great dog that I take on hikes. I have a well-rounded life.

Where do you see yourself going in the next couple years?

Hopefully somewhere good! (Laughs.)

I want to continue to play diverse roles, which is something that I’ve had the great opportunity to do this year. That’s what I hope I’m still doing in a couple of years.

I think that as an actor, what more can you ask but to step into the shoes of interesting characters every day? I hope that I get to grow and stretch and be passionate and motivated every single day of this journey, and then also have a lot of fun doing it. This a good life!

Tell me a little about your next project, Love is All You Need.

It’s an insanely interesting project. The director has worked so hard to tell a story that is inspired by true events, and it’s a project that’s really timely. Basically, it’s about bullying. A guy and a girl fall in love in college in a world where being gay is the norm, and so they face bullying once their relationship goes public. It’s an alternate universe – this has never been done before. It stars Briana Evigan from Step Up, Tyler Blackburn from Pretty Little Liars and Emily Osment from Young and Hungry. I play one of the antagonists in the film: a frat president who’s also the college football quarterback. I think this movie has the ability to really change people’s minds and really open up people’s hearts. I could not be more on fire about it.

What’s the takeaway from the film?

It’s an allegory for bullying no matter what the reason. That’s what so cool about the concept – it turns everything on its side so people can see the real world impact of bullying, no matter the reason people are being bullied. You turn on the TV and you can see kids in colleges, high schools and middle schools experiencing horror stories because of this cultural disease. So I think the takeaway is that through compassion and love for other people, you can accomplish far more than cutting people down. campus talk

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ARE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE? 1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You: A) Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until you find two that don’t make your eyes water.

Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester, you plan to really buckle down and show what you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:

B) Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.

B) To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.

C) Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.

D) Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet, claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.

2) In order to afford a decent apartment, you’ll need to find a roommate.

The most important feature in a roommate is: A) They don’t own an accordion.

B) Their main goal in life isn’t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.

C) When they tell you they love smokin’ rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.

D) They don’t arrive wearing a PETA T-shirt that says, “Cockroaches are people, too.”

CT’s Ultimate “Are You Ready For College?”

Quizzical This quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple-choice answers for each question as your answer, then check below to see if you’re really prepared for the rigors of nightly partying and skipping class every day…

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3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it’s two hours before the paper is due and you haven’t even written the first line. You: A) Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.

B) Write a fantasy paper titled “What If Shakespeare Was Born A Pig?” You rewrite “Hamlet” in Pig Latin and title it “Piglet.”

C) Casually mention to your professor how you long for the good old days when it wasn’t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.

D) Start filling out your application for McDonald’s

Scoring

your test:

A) To raise your GPA above 1.5.

C) To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn’t begin with 1-900.

D) To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily a drawback.

5) In order to survive on a tight budget, you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?

A) Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catcher’s mitt and screaming “food fight!”

B) Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.

C) Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.

D) Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won’t have any friends who will try to talk you into going out on weekends.

6) In order to have a chance at being socially accepted, it’s crucial that you don’t mention on your college application: A) In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political prisoner.”

B) You haven’t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.

C) That Animal House is your favorite movie.

D) Although you failed several courses in high school, you always earned an A for effort.

For each A – add 5 points.

For each B – divide by 1.377 points.

For each C – multiply by 0 points.

Totally useless fact: The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth’s orbit around the sun.

ARE YOU READY FOR COLLEGE?

9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by: A) Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.

7) It’s generally considered a bad sign if: A) You’re asked to pledge “Geek.”

B) MIT tells you they’ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.

C) Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a second Language.

D) An aptitude test shows you’re best qualified to be homeless.

8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus finals: A) Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.

B) Secure pictures of your professor dressing a farm animal in a nightgown.

C) You have no hope since you’ve never passed as much as a urine test.

D) Study hard. (I’m just checking whether you’re paying attention.)

For each D – subtract 500 points.

For each F that you circled – see an eye doctor!

B) Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.

C) Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you’ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.

D) Speaking in tongues.

10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the: A) Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.

B) FAA (Future Alcoholics of America).

C) Academic Probation Club.

(It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)

D) All of the above.

If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!

Totally useless fact: Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.

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BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION!

o How T

Condition

By James Davis

Roommates To Respect Your Stuff Think about that for a second. Have you ever said to your roommate, “Hey man, could you move your stuff off of my stuff?” No. You most likely said, “Dude! Get your shit off my stuff!” Or maybe something like, “Move your shit so I can put my stuff down.”

So you see, when your roommate eats your last package of Top Ramen and drinks your last beer, it’s because they’ve been conditioned by cohabitation to hold your feelings, personal space and property in the same regard a tornado holds an Arkansas trailer park.

Food

The most common reason for your roommates eating your food is because it’s most likely of the easy-to-make microwaveable variety, and he or she is too lazy to go to the store. Use that laziness to your advantage. Shun the Totino’s pizzas and buy ingredients for things that actually take effort to make, like spaghetti.

Lazy bums will choose calling Domino’s over making something as simple as Hamburger Helper on every occasion.

This attitude can be corrected because, if we’ve learned anything from watching Supernanny, and The Dog Whisperer, it’s that if you correct the behavior you’ll eventually see changes in the attitude without having to physically beat the crap out of your roommates.

Here are a few ways to “correct” your roommates’ behavior when it comes to some of your more important stuff… without beating them with a Crown Royal bag full of nickels.

Clothes

When you spot your favorite jeans on your roommate’s posterior at a party, pull him or her to the side and let the thief known just how long it had been since you last washed those jeans. If that’s not enough maybe mention a certain ‘easily transferable’ rash or disease for which you are still awaiting a diagnosis. That should keep the bum away your goods for awhile.

Toiletry Items

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Beverages

Believe it or not, your roommates use your personal items like brushes and trimmers when you’re not around. Buy two of everything and tell your roommates you use each for different things. The trick is to NOT tell them which is for what. Like which toothbrush do you use for your teeth and which do you use to clean the toilet?

Or which pair of clippers is for trimming your goatee and which set is for trimming ... elsewhere?

Just be sure not to forget yourself!

Pull The Crazy Card If none of the above remedies work, then it’s time to pull the crazy card. You have to go absolutely batshit-crazy for no reason whatsoever. And you have to do it while they’re not home. Trust me.

The most important lesson I ever learned in college I learned from my first set of roommates. What they taught me is that my stuff is “stuff” and everyone else’s stuff is “shit.”

Someone seeing you go crazy is nothing compared to what their imaginations will conjure up when they come home and see the aftermath of you going“Here’s Johnny”, axe-wielding-crazy in the kitchen.

College roommates can be a breed of drinkers with an unbiased palette, capable of drinking just about anything within reach. They will not, however, drink a beverage that can be considered “rodeo cold.”

What’s “rodeo cold”? Go to the liquor store and grab a 12-pack of whatever is on display in the aisle.

Open the package, take out a beer and drink it. Learn to consume in this manner and you’ll never worry about your roomies asking for a drink, let alone taking one without permission.

Spaghetti dripping down from the light fixture onto broken dishes scattered on the open door of a dishwasher full of refrigerator contents thrown into it Wii Bowling-style is a powerful deterrent.

Your roommates won’t even THINK about touching your shit again.

Totally useless fact: Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

oooh, nasty!

irty? d e r a s e t a roomm photos. r u o y k in h T ut these ur

Check eoto send us picturees toof yo

Feel fre ment or roommat â&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to nasty aparytca mpustalk.com, wlde for you. mail@m em off to the wor show th

Need a new apartment or roommate, go to www.collegerentals.com.

Totally useless fact: Hummingbirds are the only animals that can fly backwards.Â

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SPEAK YO’ MIND!

Passive-Aggressive Messages For Kitchen Thieves So, you’ve got a kitchen thief but you’re too sissy to step up and deal with it face-to-face. No problem! That’s nothing a little passiveaggressive note can’t settle. Of course, then you risk being known as the coward who can’t confront anyone about your issues… which only means that everyone will keep jacking all your favorite food and drinks from the fridge.

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Totally useless fact: A cat’s jaw cannot move sideways.

charted

animal planet programming

thoughts during shark week

informative shows about real animals

holy crap iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m never going into the ocean again!!! animals killing people

bigfoot, loch Ness monsters etc...

hey, sharks arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t actually so bad

people abusing or killing animals

why I am not tanned reasons teenagers today know the lyrics to classic you have to GO outside to get rock songs tanned rockband guitar hero

I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t tan easily

they actually listen to them

Totally useless fact: The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

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COMMON IN COLLEGE!

You Know You’re In College

When…

Care packages rank right up there with birthdays.

You have Safe Ride programmed into your phone.

College is a unique experience unlike any other phase in your life. But the sensory overload of endless partying and complete autonomy makes it difficult to pick up on the little nuances that make college so special and distinctive. Well, here’s a little help to remind you that, yes, you’re actually in college.

Printers break down only when you desperately need them.

You’ve paid bills over $5… in coins.

You can’t imagine life without your computer/cell phone/iPod.

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Anything can be cooked in a microwave.

Old school Nintendo… and Guitar Hero… are pretty much the best things ever.

Two words: bike cops.

You craft e ways to mankd anything ainto everything g/ a drinkin me. stripping ga

You meet the type of people you thought only existed in movies.

Western Europe could be wiped out by a terrible plague and you’d never know, but you can recite the last episode of your favorite show verbatim.

A canceled class is almost as exciting as Christmas.

You call restaurants that deliver more than you call your own family.

Going to the grocery store at midnight is completely normal.

Totally useless fact: A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

When you see it around town…

…you’ll say to yourself, “hey, that’s the What’s Happening Truck!”

FOR OUTDOOR ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES, CONTACT SHANE AT 352-371-5881 OR EMAIL US AT: INFO@THEWHATSHAPPENINGTRUCK.COM

WORDPLAY!

Buffalo

By Chris Jenkins

On The Brain Did you know that “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo” is a grammatically correct sentence? No, you did not, because you have a social life that includes doing things like partying and getting laid rather than decoding sentence structure and lineage.

Well, it’s actually a prime example of how homonyms and homophones (not be confused with homophobes) can be used to make a feasible sentence in the English language.

William J. Rapaport, an associate professor at (surprise, surprise!)

Buffalo University, first used the sentence in 1972. When read correctly, the sentence basically translates to “Bison from Buffalo intimidate (other) bison from Buffalo that Bison from Buffalo intimidate.”

And this is precisely why we outsource all our writing and editing so we can spend our time doing more worthwhile things… like playing beer pong.

S NP RC VP

NP PN

NP N

PN

NP N V V

PN

N

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

PN = Proper Noun N = Noun V = Verb NP = Noun Phrase RC = Relative Clause VP = Verb Phrase S = Sentence

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Totally useless fact: A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

play with yourself

MAY GO FIGURE

CR O S SWORD

SN OW FL AK ES

C RYPTO QUIP{

SUDOKU

Totally useless fact: Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

campus talk

rs are answepage 73 on

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HEADER play with yourself

star Map

CRYPTO QUOTE

CRISS C ROSS

MAZE

word searc h

Even exchange

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Totally useless fact: The flea can jump 350 times its body length. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

you sooooo cheated HEADER

MAY FEAR KNOT

w is h i n g

well

AMAZING whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frank?

Totally useless fact: The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

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tic tac toe!

Use this space for TIC TAC TOE, or anything else you can think of to spare the borEdom of class!

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Totally useless fact: Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

hahahaha HEADER

Remember to

send all jokes funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, “Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?”

“Well,” the second engineering student says, “A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says ‘take what you want’.”

Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”

Sam: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”

Sam: “Bow, wow, wow!”

Why did the stoplight turn red?

Wouldn’t you if you had to change in the middle of the street??

The other engineering student nods and says “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

What’s the difference between a musician and a savings bond?

One of them eventually matures and earns money

“Dad, can you write in the dark?”

“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”

“Your name on this report card.”

Events in Gainesville

Get Out and

About!

May:

T-Rex Named Sue at the Florida Museum of Natural History

May:

Panama: Tropical Ecosystem at the Florida Museum of Natural History

May:

Our Changing Climate: Past and Present at the Florida Museum of Natural History

May:

Tours of The Historic Haile Homestead Sundays in May

May 9: 31st Annual Windsor Zucchini Festival May 1: Gator Stompin’ Downtown May 17: Ask a Scientist: International Museum Day at the Florida Museum of Natural History

Spring is an exciting time to be in Gainesville. Between UF sports, concerts and art festivals, there’s always something to do. So take a break from campus and get out and about in Gainesville. For more information and a complete listing of events visit our website.

Totally useless fact: Butterflies taste with their feet.

www.visitgainesville.com 352.374.5260 VisitGainesvilleFlorida

@ Gainesville

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FALLING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

By Ami Gavarian

The Flat

No, this is not another classic CT joke. Something like this is too golden to make up ourselves. Even with centuries of reputed evidence backing up science’s longstanding take on the shape of the Earth, a select few – we’ll call them Darwin’s Dearest – maintain that one wrong step and you could find yourself freefalling off the face of the planet. Come enter the strange mind and (flat) world of the Flat Earth Society…

Disproving

Science

Basing much of their argument on societal and governmental conspiracies and cover-ups, the FES claims that pictures taken by satellites and astronauts from space are doctored to depict the images our textbooks have taught us to believe for ages. They also seek to destroy Grigori Efimovich and “his brood of vipers’” longstanding theory of a round planet by questioning the validity of its so-called “half-truths” while presenting no concrete evidence of their own. Apparently, FES debate classes are taught by fourth graders with a PhD in “I’m right, you’re wrong, nanapoopoo” arguing tactics.

Starting A Society Founded in 1956 by Englishman Samuel Shenton, the Flat Earth Society (FES) sought to disprove the “common misconception” (read: irrefutable evidence) that the world was a little more on-the-level than your average map or bird’s eye photo from space would have you believe.

According to their own mission statement, “For centuries, mankind knew all there was to know about the shape of the Earth. It was a flat planet, shaped roughly like a circle, with lots of pointy things hanging down from the underside. On the comparatively smooth topside, Europe sat in the middle of the circle, with the other continents scattered about the fringes, and parts of Africa hanging over the edge. The oceans lapped against the sides of the Earth, and in places ran over, creating currents that would pull over the edge ships that ventured too far out to sea. The space beyond the edge of the world was a dark realm inhabited by all sorts of unholy beasts. Fire and brimstone billowed up from the very depths of hell itself and curled ‘round the cliffs whose infinite length jutted straight down to the darkest depths…”

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Like any old conspiracy theory, the FES has its five main arguments (read: talking points) to legitimize their position on the subject.

Totally useless fact: The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

FALLING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

Earth

Society:

A Well-Rounded Idea Falls Flat

“In the small town of Grass Roots, MO, one of our members has successfully infiltrated the public education system. By being hired on as a teacher in the district, she was able to gain a foothold that has allowed us to “replace” nearly every lower grade teacher in the entire town with loyal Flat Earthers. The students are now undergoing deprogramming measures and are expected to be released when they reach their mid-30s.”

The Flat Earth

Coup d’etat?

Check out these true stories of FES members going to great lengths just to have their opinions heard… then subtly indoctrinated into our general population without anyone being the wiser.

1) Experimental confirmation of the Earth’s rigidity in space

“After spending over $16 million and using over 48,000 yards of industrial strength strapping tape, we of the Flat Earth Society were able to construct an enormously powerful neurotransmitter that can implant suggestions directly into the brains of the nearby non-Flat Earthers. Having set it up just outside of the Russian Antarctic exploration post (Vostok), we are awaiting word that all three scientists and 174 penguins have been shown the light.”

“Diligent Flat Earth Society members under the employment of Delta Airlines undertook a project which will no doubt bring countless numbers of motion sickness-prone individuals into the ranks of our organization.

2) Difficulties with the model: Incorporating an Efimovich-type model with the known universe

3) The impossibilities of holding unsecured objects in place on a curved surface

Totally useless fact: Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.

Using only permanent markers and every airsickness bag on planes restricted to west coast travel, they were able to neatly outline the Flat Earth Society mission statement on enough receptacles so as to spread our creed to those of the masses with overly sensitive inner ears.”

Again, just so we’re clear, this is not a joke…

4) Paradoxes associated with an inconsistent downward direction

5) Difficulties in maintaining a functional Earth-bound atmosphere and ocean.

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OBEY THE code

the

SHOTGUNconduct

code of

The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding. Breaking of said rules is punishable by complete exclusion of shotgun possibilities during a given trip.

Section I The Basic Rules

1 In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word “Shotgun” in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call.

2 Shotgun may only be called if all

occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle.

3 Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun

may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediately forthcoming. Preemptive Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.

4 The driver has final say in all ties and

disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all Shotgun privileges from one or more persons.

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Section II Special exceptions

These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented.

The case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.

1 In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.

2 In the instance that the person who actually

owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.

3 In the instance that the driver’s spouse, lover, partner or date for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.

4 In the instance that one of the passengers

Section III The Survival of the Fittest Rules

1 If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fittest Rule on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case, all rules, except special exceptions rules I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.

2 The driver must announce the institution of

the Survival of the Fittest Rule with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.

It is imperative that you follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to basic rules I-4.

may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their lunch, the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.

5 In the instance that only one person knows

how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group, they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.

6 In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three-hour trip with him crammed in the back.

Totally useless fact: A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

MAS CERVEZAS!

By Ami Gavarian

Cinco de Mayo’s

Must-Have

Mixed Drinks It’s been nearly two months since the glorious festivus honoring St. Patrick and his jolly green beer. That can only mean one thing… it’s time for another foreignthemed drinking holiday! Please help us welcome Cinco de Mayo in style with these must-have mixed drinks that’ll make you scream “¡Ay, caramba!

Blue Lagoon Margarita

Evil Corona 1 bottle of Corona 2 oz. citrus vodka 1 lime wedge Pour out (or drink) 2 oz. of Corona, then replace with 2 oz. of vodka inside beer bottle.

Cover the top with your thumb and turn bottle upside down so vodka can mix with beer. Serve with lime wedge.

Mexican Hillbilly 1 bottle of Corona

1 shot of bourbon Pour Corona into tall glass then drop a shot of bourbon into glass like a typical car bomb. Drink and enjoy!

1 ¼ oz. tequila ¾ oz. Blue Curacao 1 splash lime juice 1 splash 7-Up Pineapple juice (to taste) Pour the tequila, Blue Curacao, 7-Up and lime juice into a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes.

Add pineapple juice to taste and shake vigorously. Strain into a martini glass ¼ filled with ice and serve.

Blackjack Margarita 1 ½ oz. tequila ½ oz. triple sec ½ oz. raspberry liqueur 4 oz. lime juice Fill a large margarita glass with ice. Add tequila, triple sec and liqueur.

Add the lime juice.

Shake, garnish with a lime wedge and serve.

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Black Tequila 2 oz. tequila 2 oz. triple sec 2 oz. chocolate liqueur 1 dash fresh lime juice 4 oz. champagne Shake all ingredients except champagne together and pour into tall glass. Top with champagne and serve.

REMINDER: CT does NOT condone underage or

excessive drinking. It’s not a party if you’re breaking the law or barfing your brains out.

Drink responsibly or don’t drink at all!

Totally useless fact: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

for real!

8 reasons not to drink

SEX

PRACTICE

SAFE

...because she wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be wearing these.

elf. d Protect Yous Play Smart an Time.

very Use A Condom E

Totally useless fact: Starfish have no brains.

Message brought to you by

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SUNSHINE STATE

You Know You’re a

Floridian If …

Socks are only for bowling.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn’t worth waking up for.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You know what a snowbird is and when they’ll leave.

“Down South” means Key West

You have a drawer full of bathing suits and one sweatshirt.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

36

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes

You’ve driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee, Thonotosassa and Micanopy.

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You dread love bug season.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store but everything to do with shade.

You’ve hosted a hurricane party.

You understand why it’s better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.

You’ve worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

|

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren’t Hurricane Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Wilma, Frances, etc.

You know the four seasons really are: Hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip-flops to church before.

You’re younger than 30, but some of your friends are over 65.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

Totally useless fact: Polar bears are left-handed.

BURNED!

Burned!

By Chris Jenkins

The Worst

Sunburns

Ever There are many ways to get burned. Your best friend could steal your girl from right under your nose. Or that hottie you picked up at the bar the other night could leave you with a not-so-tingly sensation in your nether region. But nothing burns quite like the scorching summer sun. Check out these painful pics of people who shouldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve stayed inside instead of slow roasting their skin like a turkey!

Totally useless fact: Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

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heatwave play

Summer Accessories

By Jenna Herman

Miniature Fruit Jewelry

Add some fruity fun to your ears with these intricately hand-sculpted earrings.

Lime earrings $19.63; Tangerine earrings $21.81 etsy.com/shop/petitplat

Shark Fin Ice Tray

Zen Threads Mens T-Shirts

Live every week like it’s Shark Week. Switching your normal square ice cube tray to liven up your drink with fun shark fin shaped ice cubes will make you feel like a marine expert with every sip of your cool beverage. $8.88 dormco.com

Made with eco-friendly ink and super soft American Apparel t-shirts, Zen Threads provides lightweight and comfortable shirts with unique designs to fit any occasion and personal style. $18 etsy.com/shop/zenthreads

Braven 705 Deuce

Headphones so comfy with quality so clear that you’ll never want to take them off! These Wicked Audio headphones feature an optional built-in mic for answering phone calls, cushions in three different sizes to perfectly fit your ears and noise isolation for undisturbed listening. $14.99 with mic; $9.99 wickedaudio.com

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Burst onto the scene with a punch of color and blast of sound. The Braven 705 portable speaker is lightweight and compact enough to take anywhere, features twelve hours of battery life, a built-in power bank and is certified water resistant. Brave any party, beach or poolside with your Braven. $99.99 braven.com

Totally useless fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

heatwave play

Sombrilla

Adjust it to the angle of the sun for great coverage and this innovative alternative to beach umbrellas and sun tents provides a roomy shaded area for family and friends to lounge. Made with a 95% UV protection cotton canvas and a rust-proof, lightweight framework, the Sombrilla is easy to set up anywhere. $186 thegrommet.com Pomegranate SPF 15 Naturally Smooth Lip Balm Smile and enjoy the rays with SPF 15 protection on your lips. This fruity pomegranate flavored lip balm delivers intense hydration and moisturization with aloe, coconut and shea butters for care-free protection while you soak up the sun. $2.99 yestocarrots.com

Yes To Cucumbers Natural Sunscreen SPF 30

Hypoallergenic and cruelty-free broadspectrum protection.

Perfect for using on both your face and body, this sunscreen recommended by the Skin Cancer Foundation and is free of petroleum, parabens and sodium lauryl sulfate. $11.99 yestocarrots.com

Hang-In-Out Cacoon Snuggle into this cozy hideaway. The Cacoon is not only strong enough to hold up to 400 lbs., but it only weighs 14 lbs. and is durable enough to weather all kinds of elements. Easy to fold up and transport, this personal getaway is super simple to install outside or indoors.

Available in two sizes.

Single $340; Double $540 thegrommet.com

Red Cup With Lanyard Easily keep an eye on your drink, avoid mix-ups and spills, and save some plastic by bringing your own cup to the party.

This red cup not only features an attachable lanyard so you can keep your drink close by, but it is made from thicker plastic than most ordinary cups so that it can be washed and reused over and over again. $8.59 dormco.com

MAY 5

10AM-3PM

CHIHUAHUAS AGES 1-9 ARE LOOKING FOR FOREVER HOMES. HAILE’S ANGELS PET RESCUE IS HOSTING ADOPTIONS AT PETSMART ON 4119 NW 16TH BLVD. Medical Care, Laser Surgery, Therapeutic Laser Treatments, Dentistry, Pet Supplies, Natural Pet Food, Boarding, Grooming, Adoptions, House Calls Available

5231 SW 91ST DRIVE, HAILE VILLAGE CENTER • 352.377.6003 • HAILEANIMALCLINIC.COM Totally useless fact: Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

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stylinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

Beauty

By Jenna Herman

Organic Orange Lavender Body Balm

Made up of only the finest organic essentials oils, organic jojoba, avocado and hemp oils, this body balm is perfect for soothing dry skin all over. Great for moisturizing especially dry areas like feet and elbows, as well as protecting and brightening new and old tattoos. $4.99 drbronner.com

Morning Mimosa Body Butter Sweet, relaxing brunch time in the form of a body butter. This organic mimosa-inspired body butter delivers moisturization along with the delicious scent of sweet orange and lemongrass essential oils. $16 etsy.com/shop/noendnaturals

Mixed Chicks Travel & Trial Pack

Keep you hair tamed and voluminous while on the go. Mixed Chicks Travel and Trial Pack features curl-defining and frizz-controlling shampoo, deep conditioner and leave-in conditioner in a resealable bag. All TSA-friendly. $9.99 mixedchicks.net

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Yes to Carrots Super Rich Body Butter Give your hungry skin the revitalizing nourishment it craves with this natural body butter. Features organic carrots, rich in beta-carotene and antioxidants, with shea butter for soft, supple, glowing skin. $5 yestocarrots.com

Probiotic Deodorant

Free of unwholesome ingredients, this deodorant kills odor without harming you! Features coconut oil, cocoa butter, arrowroot starch, probiotics, baking soda, lavender and tea tree oil for a naturally effective, healthy and heavenly-scented odor-blocker. $15 etsy.com/shop/noendnaturals

Raw Shea Butter Facial Mask

This unique blend of raw shea butter, frankincense and myrrh intensely hydrates, repairs, and rejuvenates skin with vitamins and essential fatty acids to rebalance dry or aging skin. $14.99 sheamoisture.com

Totally useless fact: The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.Â

stylin’ Acure Organics Moroccan Argan Oil & Argan Stem Cell Shampoo Repair damage, lock in moisture and strengthen hair follicles with this nutrient-rich shampoo.

Packed with organic argan oil, argan stem cells and pumpkin seed oil to keep hair soft, smooth and healthy. Sulfatefree and safe for color treated hair. $9.99 target.com

Grapefruit Naturally Smooth Lip Balm This ultra-moisturizing lip balm delivers intense hydration with aloe, cocoa and shea butters for smooth lips with a delicious grapefruit flavor. $2.99 yestocarrots.com

Yucca & Plantain Anti-Breakage FrizzFree Shine Mist

Acure Organics Moroccan Argan Oil & Argan Stem Cell Conditioner Provide long lasting moisture from argan oil and sea buckthorn oil to even the most dry and damaged hair to leave it feeling silky smooth and manageable. $9.99 target.com

This multi-purpose mist boosts shine while conditioning and smoothing hair cuticles to reduce frizz and strengthen hair to resist breakage. $10.99 sheamoisture.com

Honey & Black Seed Heat Protect Keratin Spray

Reduce frizz and protect against heat styling and UV damage in one simple step. This spray features Arabian honey, carrot, macadamia nut oil and keratin to preserve your hair’s elasticity and keep it soft and moisturized. $11.99 nubianheritage.com

Owie Ointment

This organic, vegan alternative to toxin-packed antibiotic ointments is a soothing blend of coconut, avocado and grapeseed oils with chamomile, lavender, comfrey, echinacea, plantain, helichrysum and tea tree oil. The restorative combination is perfect for healing and repairing skin from scratches, bug bites, bruises, burns, stretch marks, surgical scars, acne scars, anything! $15 etsy.com/shop/ noendnaturals

Coconut Sugar Scrub

Made with coconut oil, evaporated cane juice, lemon essential oil and vanilla extract, this organic scrub smells good enough to eat! Gentle enough to use all over your body, face and even lips to exfoliate and smooth away bumps, keeping your skin refreshed and glowing. $10 etsy.com/shop/noendnaturals

Totally useless fact: There are more chickens than people in the world.

Organic Lemon Lime Lip Balm

Free of synthetic ingredients, this organic lip balm provides quality protection and moisture to your lips with jojoba, avocado and hemp oils. $2.99 drbronner.com

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the goods!

By Jenna Herman

Hampton’s Women’s Tote Bag

This fashionably functional tote provides multiple compartments to keep all your belongings organized while also complimenting any outfit perfectly. $70 ogio.com Cactus Scratcher This personal back scratcher allows you to finally reach that itch you’ve been dying to scratch with two different intensity options: wider spikes for gentler itches and pointer spikes for more zealous scratching. $12.95 thegrommet.com

Gear Ball Challenge your mind with this brain-meltingly difficult puzzle.

The Gear Ball is like a spherical version of a Rubik’s cube; the goal is to twist and turn its surface until you form six solid faces of color. The Gear Ball’s high-quality construction ensures smooth spinning action for high-speed solving. $24.99 vat19.com

TwoAlity Clear Rain Boots

Designed to be worn with TwoAlity boot liners, these clear boots have many options for fun and vibrant boot liners to match with any outfit. Perfect for rainy, snowy and muddy days, these boots not only keep your feet dry but provide comfort and style. Made in the USA, 100% waterproof, 100% recyclable.

Just boots $69.99; Boots with liner $104.98 thetwoalitystore.com 42

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Totally useless fact: Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

the goods!

Strawz

YaY Wallet

These connectible drinking straws make it possible to create a unique and fun way to sip your favorite drinks. With Strawz you could even take a drink from several cups at once, share with a friend, or just marvel at your amazing engineering skills. $9.99 dormco.com

Avoid traditional bulky wallets and switch to a slim, light and USA-made wallet. A portion of each purchase supports the Year Zero Foundation, which works to improve the living conditions of Cambodians by providing basic essentials such as clean water, food, medicine and education. $9.95 thegrommet.com

Pocket Cutlery Set

This incredibly convenient 4-in-1 cutlery set includes a fork, spoon, knife and bottle opener. Perfect for tailgating, camping, eating on-the-go, saving plastic utensils, anything! Small and compact, this portable cutlery set folds up to easily fit in your pocket, backpack or purse. $13.99 CitySeat Bike Seat Cover Add some personality to your bike while also protecting the seat with this waterproof seat cover.

Stretchable, machinewashable and sweat-proof. $35 thegrommet.com

Pizza Pi Cutter

Create slices of genius and show off your knowledge of irrational numbers with this clever Pizza Pi Cutter.

This fun design also features quality functionality with its double stainless steel blades that provide a better cut than basic pizza wheels. $17.78 dormco.com

Totally useless fact: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is â&#x20AC;&#x153;screeched.â&#x20AC;?

Macamini Phone Charm & Cleaner Not only does this mini macaroon make an adorable phone charm, but it also doubles as a screen cleaner. Available in pastel blue, green, purple and rose pink. $24.99 thealchemyshop.com

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TOSH!

MY JOB THINGS that ARE ACTUALLY POSSIBLE ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND CHEmiSTRY

THINGS I AM CAPABLE OF DOING GIVEN THE RIGHT TOOLS

THINGS MY BOSS WANTS ME TO DO

THINGS I CAN DO WITH THE TOOLS WE ACTUALLY HAVE

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Totally useless fact: On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

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HEADERME THIS! RIDDLE

1) Short 2) The ball costs 5 cents. 3) 45 (1/5 of 45 = 9, 9 + 45 = 54) One dollar more than 5c is $1.05. The sum of which is $1.10. 4) D - each letter represents one note in the diatonic musical scale: Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do 5) Johnny

MIND

What 5-letter w ord #1 becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

GAMES in in a r b r u o y p e e k To ing g n u lo e il h w e p sha on your couch…

#5

d three children. ha r he ot M ’s y n John named April.

The first child was as named May. The second child w d child’s name?

What was the thir

#2

#3

ll cost a b s than s le a er b m d u n n a a d in t F A ba costs t a b e ased by $1.10. Th r more than 100 that is incre la one dol How much one-fifth of its value when l. the bal all cost? reversed. re a s it ig d b s it e does th 46

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#4

What letter com es next in the following sequence?

D R M F S L T_

Totally useless fact: All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.

T LITTLE STORE JUST GOT BETTE S E G G I B R! THE

hahahaha HEADER

RENT

THE LATEST RELEASES

28 DAYS BEFORE RED BOX WITH

FIRST RELEASE DVD KIOSK ICE BEER CUPS SODA CIGARETTES GROCERIES SNACKS

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send all jokes to funny@mycampus talk.com and you could win a Campus Talk t-shirt.

What’s the longest sentence known to man?

I Do.

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Top 3 Signs You’re Playing Too Much Nintendo Wii 1) You adjust your facial hair in real life to make it easier to create an accurate Mii of yourself.

2) When you continually get gutter balls in real life bowling and then use your Wii-bowl technique and get a strike.

3) You’re shocked to see a real baseball game go more than 3 innings.

su

Q: Why don’t aliens eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

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A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. “Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.” She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?” She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.” “I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

may 2015

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He answered, “Call for backup.”

Q: Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

A: Because it’s too cold “out tide!”

Q: What do you call a boom-a-rang, that doesn’t come back?

A: A Stick!!!!

Totally useless fact: No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Music Reviews

By Daniel Sutphin

Tune In Turn On Plug In

Passion Pit Kindred For the third album, and first solo approach from frontman Michael Angelakos, shows growth from his 2012 Pitchfork cover story delving into his struggles with bipolar disorder. Kindred reflects his growth and understanding of these tribulations, bringing listeners into the staggered resolution and continued confliction that fills his headspace.

Kindred kicks off with gratitude in the uplifting, driving track, aptly titled Lifted Up (1985). Whole Life Story follows, seeking forgiveness with an equally driving tempo and ethereal tone spectrum. Like previous albums Passion Pit sticks to its danceinfluenced, alt-rock sound even while exploring more emotional subjects. With a concise 10-track listing, the album rarely slows, nor tires.

Kodaline Coming Up for Air One the Dublin quartet’s second LP, Kodaline continues to emulate Coldplay, combining soft-tones and sincere vocals with anthemic choruses that, despite a listener’s best efforts, refuse to leave the mind. Despite their catchy melodies, the music lags in spark through the first half of the album, often oversimplifying to the point that the tracks come off bland and uninspiring. Human Again finally breathes some life into the album mid-way through, followed by the pinnacle-track Unclear.

Overall, Kodaline comes off as a talented band, but one too bogged down by imitation and “playing it safe”, rather than taking some risks and striving for originality.

Totally useless fact: “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

Tyler Farr Suffer in Peace Despite the billboard-climbing single A Guy Walks into a Bar, the Missouri native’s sophomore album strides far from Farr’s first album Redneck Crazy; the title track best exemplifies such growth. Suffer in Peace sticks to classic country ballad form, telling the story of man who seeks seclusion after being left by his lover. With Bible, rifle and rod and reel in hand, the narrator heads for a remote cabin for clarity. There isn’t anything really surprising on the LP, but it sticks to its form – something expected when it comes to the pop country genre. campus talk

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game on!

Sore Thumbs

By Daniel Sutphin

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt PC, Xbox One, PS4 May 19 The third game in the fantasy RPG series, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt merges a non-linear story and an open world. Stocked with intelligent inhabitants and animated by new mechanics, the world is a dynamic, living, breathing place. Players witness the sun rise and set as they take on torrential rains or sweltering heat, predators hunt their prey, villages defend themselves against monsters and lovers meet by moonlight.

The in-game economy system provides varied pricing of goods based on surrounding conditions or their place of origin, encouraging players to seek out through hunting and collecting items that are in demand. The redesigned combat combines traditional RPG elements with the speed and precision of a fighting game. All of these gameplay features are integrated into a vast RPG system.

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Wolfenstein: The Old Blood PS4 Xbox One PC May 5 Bethesda’s standalone prequel to the first-person action-adventure shooter, Wolfenstein: The New Order, The Old Blood puts players in the year is 1946. With the Nazis on the brink of winning World War II, an effort to turn the tide in the Allies’ favor is being formed. B.J. Blazkowicz must launch an epic, two-part mission deep within Bavaria. Old Blood is broken in two parts: one pits BJ Blazkowicz against a maniacal prison warden as he breaks into Castle Wolfenstein to steal the coordinates to General Deathshead’s compound, and part two leads Blazkowicz to the city of Wulfburg where an obsessed Nazi archaeologist is exhuming mysterious artifacts that threaten to unleash a dark and ancient power.

Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Remaster PS4 Vita PS3 May 12 Two of the most popular RPGs of all time, Square Enix has remastered the visually-stunning Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy X-2 in HD perfection.

Final Fantasy X tells the story of Tidus and his exploits with Summoner Yuna and her guardians as they take on an evil immortal enemy called Sin. The turn-based RPG also features side-quests such as the underwater sport of Blitzball and a monster battle arena, as well as a redesigned fighting system that mixes classic Final Fantasy elements with a “Sphere Grid” system.

The first true sequel in the popular RPG series, Final Fantasy X-2 rejoins the characters two years later. In a period known as the “Eternal Calm”, the people of Spira have dropped the formerlysacred teachings of Yevon, and embraced the use of the formerly forbidden machina. Despite this time of peace, evidence of the High Summoner Yuna’s lost love Tidus surfaces, prompting her to begin a new quest to find him.

Omega Quintet PS4 April 28 A hybrid RPG/idol simulation, players use the strength of song to overcome a world invaded by a mysterious, malevolent darkness. The fate of humanity rests in the music of singing idols known as “Verse Maidens”, who use weapons of sound to fight back evil and restore the world.

Totally useless fact: All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

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flicks

Avengers: Age of Ultron

By daniel sutphin

WHAT: Action, Adventure, Fantasy WHO: Robert Downey Jr.,

Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth WHEN: May 1 The fate of the planet hangs on the line when Tony Stark’s peacekeeping program goes awry, bringing The Avengers back together to battle the seemingly unstoppable Ultron. Uneasy alliances begin to emerge between the heroes as they work to thwart the villains evil plans.

Mad Max: Fury Road WHAT: Action, Adventure, Thriller WHO: Tom Hardy, Charlize

Theron, Nicholas Hoult WHEN: May 15 A reboot of the ‘80s classic, humanity is at war with itself and life necessities are the prize.

Within this world of stark desert and madness exists two rebels on the run who believe they can restore order: Max (Hardy), who seeks peace of mind following the loss of his wife and child in the aftermath of the chaos, and Furiosa, a woman of action who believes her path to survival may be achieved if she can make it across the desert back to her childhood homeland.

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Tomorrowland WHAT: Adventure, Mystery, Sci-Fi WHO: George Clooney, Britt

Hot Pursuit WHAT: Action, Comedy WHO: Reese Witherspoon,

Sofía Vergara, Michael Mosley WHEN: May 8 In classic “odd couple” fashion, Witherspoon plays a quiet, straight-laced and inept police officer assigned to protect the loud-spoken, flamboyant widow (Vergara) of a drug dealer from criminals and dirty policemen.

Robertson, Hugh Laurie WHEN: May 22 A shared destiny deems the embarking of a danger-filled mission by a bright, optimistic teen bursting with scientific curiosity and a former boygenius inventor jaded by disillusionment. Their goal: to unearth the secrets of an enigmatic place somewhere in time and space that exists in their collective memory as “Tomorrowland.”

San Andreas WHAT: Action, Drama, Thriller WHO: Dwayne Johnson,

Alexandra Daddario, Carla Gugino WHEN: May 29 A massive earthquake of apocalyptic proportion strikes California. In the aftermath, a rescue-chopper pilot (Johnson) must make a dangerous journey across the state to rescue his estranged daughter.

Totally useless fact: Almonds are a member of the peach family.

rent me!

e Scan th

code the

to see trailer!

Small Screen Black Sea WHAT: Adventure, Thriller WHO: Jude Law, Grigoriy Dobrygin,

Konstantin Khabenskiy WHEN: May 5 After being laid off by a salvage company, a submarine captain makes a deal with a shadowy backer to look for a storied sunken submarine said to be loaded with gold at the bottom of the Black Sea. He puts together a crew of English and Russian sailors for the task, but the closer they get to the treasure, the less the group strangers come to trust one another.

Fifty Shades of Gray WHAT: Drama, Romance WHO: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan,

Jennifer Ehle WHEN: May 8 A 21-year-old college senior, Ana, interviews 27-year-old Christian Grey, a successful and wealthy young entrepreneur in place of her friend Kate. From this meeting on, Christian engages with Ana in a new type of relationship – BDSM.

Totally useless fact: Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

The Pyramid WHAT: Horror WHO: Denis O’Hare, Ashley

Hinshaw, James Buckley WHEN: May 5 A team of U.S. archaeologists discovers a lost pyramid unlike any other in the Egyptian desert.

Despite superstition of curses, the team explores the ancient pyramid. The more they explore, the more the risk begins to outweigh the wonder – they realize they aren’t just trapped, they are being hunted.

Cymbeline WHAT: Drama WHO: Ethan Hawke, Ed Harris, Milla Jovovich,

Dakota Johnson, Anton Yelchin WHEN: May 19 Based on the play by William Shakespeare, Cymbeline tells the explosive story of a take-no-prisoners war between dirty cops and a drug-dealing biker gang. When extortion, betrayal, and fiery passions threaten his criminal empire, a drug kingpin (Harris) is driven to desperate measures. campus talk

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HEADER hahaha

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

“I do have three hearts,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover.

It’s $500,000.”

“Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!”

“Yes, but it’s from a laywer.

It’s never been used.”

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Totally useless fact: Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is just one syllable.

MAY S

SNOWFLAKES

ER W S N A

word searc h

you sooooo cheated HEADER

CR OS SWORD

SUDOKU

MAZE STAR MAP

Even exchange

GO FIGURE

FEAR KNOT C RYPTO QUOTE

QU I P {

where’s frank?

CRISS CROSS Totally useless fact: A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

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spotted!

Sp y

Spot The Differences

MAY 22, 2015

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J ason Statham Rose Byrne Morena Baccarin Melissa McCarthy

Totally useless fact: Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”

spotted!

CHECK

LIST

1) Parking sign missing P, 2) The word 'Pizza' is missing from the scooter, 3) Builders hat is now red 4) Builder in background has reflective strip missing from high vis jacket, 5) Scooter front wheel is deeper, 6) Scooter girls lapel is different, 7) lines on truck in background missing, 8) Road cone missing, 9) Back box on scooter missing.

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Totally useless fact: In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

VisitGainesville.com

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If a Tiger Fought a Lion

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We’ll start with the lion. Despite what the Lion King may have led us to believe, male lions don’t actually live most of their lives in a pride. Instead, they are forced out of the pride at about age two and spend most of their time either fighting to take over another pride, fighting to keep other male lions from stealing said pride or fighting other solitary males.

In other words, lions fight. A lot.

Tigers, on the other hand, do not.

They are solitary and spend their entire lives that way. If two male tigers happen to meet in the wild, one will often roll over on its back in the pose of submission.

As for their physical statures, lions and tigers are different in a few key ways. First, tigers are slightly shorter than lions, but about 15 percent heavier. It’s not much, but an advantage nonetheless.

A male lion has a mane though, which acts as a shield for his neck. Tigers don’t have this defense, and no wonder.

They rarely fight.

If a lion and a tiger were to battle in the wild, it’s clear that the lion would win. Male lions have years of fighting experience and a suit of armor for protection. Tigers have some cute stripes. We hope they roll over in submission, for their own sake.

Totally useless fact: A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

SIGN LANGUAGE!

NOTICE

NO CELL PHONES IN CLASS ALL PHONES WILL BE CONFISCATED

BY TEACHERS AND SOLD ON CRAIGSLIST

Totally useless fact: A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

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FLOOR PLANS FILLING UP FAST! RESERVE YOUR SPACE TODAY!

HEADER one liners!

p u k c Pi s e n i L

1 to f o e l a c s On a .

9 a e r ’ u o 10, y I’m the 1 you need. s I w is h I w a d, cross-eye see so I c ould . you twice

u? o y w o n Do I k you e Becaus like st u j k o o l t my nex d. en girlfri 60

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Most guys need three meals a day to keep going, I just need eye contact from you.

Are you a beaver?

Because da m!

Is your father Little Caesar?

Because you look Hot ‘n Ready.

Totally useless fact: A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

What in the world?

How do you pronounce “pecan”?

pee-KAHN

pick-AHN

Totally useless fact: It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

PEE-can

PEE-kahn

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