To Those
FILLED WITH DOUBT, Written and illustrated by Katie Herrick, Culture Editor
My sophomore year in college I called the suicide hotline, moments away from doing something fatal and long-lasting. I have only ever told one person this. Every morning I woke up and wanted to cry about what I saw in the mirror. I had acne, I was “fat,” my boobs and ass too small for my “huge” stomach. Every morning I woke up with crippling depression and anxiety. I told myself I wasn’t enough and I never would be. I was never the smartest student in the class, the best writer at my magazine, the best dancer in my organization, the happiest in my friend group, the most artistic and creative, nor the funniest when I cracked jokes. I self-harmed all throughout high school and a good chunk of my college career, trying anything to make the pain I woke up with every single day go away. This is the part of the story where everyone says, “one day I woke up and decided to change everything.” But that didn’t happen. That’s not how it works in real life for most people. When I hung up the phone with the random woman who saved my life on the other end of the hotline, I wasn’t cured. I wasn’t better. I woke up the next morning with the same crippling pain and nervousness that ate at me every day. I told myself that I was dramatic. At the end of the day, I wasn’t stupid nor was I unhealthily overweight. I had friends who loved me and supported me, a (then) boyfriend who supported me and a family that wanted to see me thrive and would do anything and everything to help. 8 MODA
