right girl, wrong time

By Jeannie McDonald

Is it enough to just try—or does it all go back to timing? Do we have complete control—or is it all predetermined?

Wiping the mirror clean, I see you for a split second Your strong arms wrapped around me Like a movie, it flickers through my head

The day we spent in the sun, getting to know each other better Browsing aisles in the antique store, Stay until we both fall asleep Keep me safe from my nightmares Look into my eyes and read my mind Hold my hand until the sun shows its face I’ll watch your back, if you watch mine

If you had asked me, I would’ve moved it all for you Like a pen to paper, I’d let you use me

Like the guys before, Stuck in roles I didn’t ask for, Expecting nothing in return, I would’ve changed for you, too More than friends with benefits, Not too prude, not too loose “Cool” girl, she’d let me do it, Romanticized version of you

Your name is still stuck on my tongue Breathe you in Let your guard down —Take mine with it

Loud and warm New and fresh Like smoking your first bowl in the pitch-black parking lot, Or that night by the docks with our fingers intertwined

Put the light on, So I can see you look at me Let me see your flaws + i’ll show you mine

Emotionally six feet apart I dreamt of you in my bed again Why can you only tell me you want me in my sleep?

What are you thinking? Give me clarity, consistency, You can tell me anything, I’ll keep it close with me

Scared, but comfortable Just talk to me I would’ve understood Pleading for vulnerability Trying to keep it clean, But left messy, sticky, complicated

I wish I could hate you But we’re too similar Guarded, a multitude of signs Powerless to you, and time Something else has control I can feel it slipping away

Distance always makes it seem lighter, If it doesn’t weigh it down Trying to break cycles, And old habits

Poked and prodded, Dove in deep Until I was sore— And full of grief

Mourning who we were, Or who I thought I was, A past self, A year inside

Maybe someday, We’ll cross paths again Recall on the old days When we were young and damaged Maybe we’ll run into each other, running errands, or getting coffee We’ll make the same sarcastic jokes, no longer afraid of chances Maybe you’ll have a new job, And I’ll be finished with grad school Right place, right time We could give it a fair try I won’t forget the night we first met Or the first time I really heard you laugh, It replays in my head on loop, haunting me relentlessly

But now sometimes, at this time of night, I sigh in relief