life on a timeline

By Bre Taylor

My villain origin story is spending two birthdays in quarantine. In March of 2020, I had a lot of baggage. I had just written an incredibly dramatic letter to my coworkers about racism in the workplace, I had just canceled my senior spring break trip to Miami (somehow I think my quarantine alcohol intake still made up for this), my father had just been rushed to the hospital with COVID-19, and I was coming to the realization that I wouldn’t have an in-person college graduation. It’s safe to say, Aries season was a real bitch to me.

Like many of my peers, I pictured my life on a timeline. First big-girl job at 21, a one-bedroom NYC apartment at 23, X amount in savings by 25, engaged by 27, and all the other boxes that I’m sure most of you expected to have checked by 30. Looking back, none of this was impossible, it just didn’t fit into the life I was creating.

I am a dreamer. No goal is unattainable because my mother told me that I could be anything I wanted to be—and I believed her.

From March until September, for the first time ever, I worked really hard on myself. I took the time to really attain goals outside of a career, outside of money. Similar to Zendaya, I had always defined myself by my occupation or what other people had defined me as: a student, employee, intern. Being surrounded by my friends and family showed me that I had other titles that were just as, if not more, important: a listener, reader, lover. I took the time to really think about what I’d accomplished in 22 years and what I could accomplish in 22 more. I thought of life outside of a timeline: What happens if I’m not in the job I want at 25? What happens if I’m not married by 30? Who am I then? I’m still my mother’s daughter, I still love reading, I still love going to the movies by myself and spending too much on popcorn. In 22 years, I could make all the money in the world, but what would that mean if I didn’t know myself outside of what I could buy?

These questions scared me. I had worked really hard to intern in a particular industry, to save up to live where I wanted, but the place I learned the most about myself was surrounded by family. While I won’t sit here and say I don’t get those prying societal questions from my aunts about when I’m bringing home a boyfriend and when I plan on getting married, I do think my time at home has brought me so much clarity.

Time doesn’t scare me anymore because it isn’t real. I lived the same day over and over from March to September of 2020, just trying to figure out what was supposed to happen next in my life. I even got a job in a field I knew I’d hate because I was trying to prove to myself that it was silly to hate something I’ve never tried. I don’t regret quitting after 3 months.

Being confined by self-imposed timelines and what other people think I should accomplish by a certain age has often made me feel like I’m behind or not doing enough. But anyone who knows me knows that’s just not true. I have accomplished so much and I deserve to take time, if I so please, to reset.

So I did just that. I took myself (and my work laptop) on a two-week mini-work-vacation a couple of states over and let myself breathe. While I initially planned to visit apartments, I realized within hours of being there that my true purpose was to actually relax. For fourteen days, I went to a bagel shop before eight, went to work from nine to about seven, and did whatever I wanted until I fell asleep. I didn’t feel obligated to journal about my future or compare myself to my LinkedIn feed, and it was amazing. Ten out of ten; I would recommend.

I came back from my trip refreshed. In the words of Cloud from Firefly Lane, I had taken the time to remember that “everything is in front of me.” (Yes, Tully’s mother was awful but that statement was so true.) Too often, we create this bubble of anxiety around our future because we’re so ashamed or remorseful about what we didn’t do in our past, that we don’t take the time to make the most of our present.

I’m not here to tell you to make the most of the present, because I’m sure that’s been on your social timeline since the pandemic started. I’m here to tell you that freeing yourself from

the timelines that surround you can make for a more fulfilling and optimistic way of living. I have absolutely no idea what postpandemic me looks like (or if we’ll ever really see an end). What I do know is that we shouldn’t fear time. As women, and I’ll speak specifically as a Black woman, we are constantly told that we’re running out of time. You have to have kids by this time because that clock’s ticking. Dating in your 30s is sad. You have to start using retinol as soon as you hit 20. Insert advice from an “ageless” celebrity who doesn’t eat sugar here.

I won’t get into how I think the anxiety created around time is actually a ploy by the marketing and advertising industry to give people an endless stream of reasons to spend money, but I will say this: We are constantly told that life is short but I encourage you to start remembering that it is the longest commitment you’ll ever have. Longer than the job you hate, longer than those friendships you know should end, longer than the time between when you get to the doctor’s office and when they call your name, longer than your favorite TV show (okay, maybe not longer than “Grey’s Anatomy,” but stay with me).

I’m going to sound like a finance bro, but they really figured it out when it comes to the whole investing your money at a young age and watching it grow thing. You can spend 5 years stressing yourself out about all the opportunities you wish you’d taken. Then proceed to not take new opportunities and find yourself in a vicious cycle, until you fully hate the life you live. STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. And to my Black girls specifically, please stop counting yourself out. This world already has people in it who make that their life’s purpose and you really shouldn’t add to that number.

Back to the investing analogy, invest in yourself now! You are allowed to be a work in progress—anyone who has a problem with that is obviously having a hard time acknowledging that themself. Take the time now to create a life that makes sense for you. Tune out the noise that tells you your dreams are unrealistic. (Side note, don’t take advice from people you wouldn’t switch lives with. Really adds clarity to your vision.)

As I said in the beginning, time is really funny. Time has a