takes two to tango

By Michelle Budd

Time. A four-letter word that can give a person hope or knock down their every desire. As a thirty-year-old woman (soon to be thirty-one), every life choice that I make is looked at through a magnifying glass of time. It can be related to my career, my health, or my personal life, but for as long as I can remember, men and women have never been placed on the same timeline.

Growing up, I was always told that boys mature later than girls. It was accepted that “boys will be boys” and that what they did was just a part of their being, but when it came to myself and any girl I knew, the expectations were different. We were expected to be independent, grateful, helpful, and kind, without exceptions. As I got older, the ideology of “boys will be boys” stuck, and we girls started dealing with the norms of life and everything that came with them.

Now, fast forward to age eighteen, to when I was accepted into college, which was the “normal” next chapter of life. I had a few hiccups, but I graduated with both my bachelor’s degree and my master’s degree in five years. And like everyone else, I went through the trials and tribulations of grades, normal growing pains, and extreme heartaches. After a few years of teaching in various locations, my independence grew, and the ability to care for myself rallied on, but that quickly came under scrutiny as I was doing it on my own, without a partner by my side.

After a few moves, a few different jobs, and multiple long-term serious relationships, I find myself being asked at age 30: When are you getting married? and When are you going to have children?

To which I always respond: When I meet someone who matches what I have to give.

Too quickly are people ready to judge women about their own personal timelines that do not match the societal norm. Women have been taught from an early age that we mature much faster than men, so wouldn’t it only be natural to wait longer to get married and have children, especially if our heterosexual counterparts take longer to mature? The societal “norm” says that you should have your life figured out by 30. In my opinion, that is a myth, and it needs to be seriously debunked. Why is it not understood and accepted that living one specific timeline does not suit every individual? Can we not as individuals be different in not only our goals but when we plan to achieve them? The American education system certainly looks at educating everyone differently, as “every child learns differently,” so why is it not accepted that everyone may have a different timeline after graduation day?

Growing up the way I did, I certainly put my professional goals before anything else. That isn’t saying that I wanted to do it alone, only that I just had not found the right person to achieve those goals with. Over time, what we envision in a partner changes, due to experiences and what we place importance on. In most cases, people change and grow into better versions of their younger selves, which may not work with what we originally anticipated wanting in a partner. I sometimes sit and wonder if men receive the same amount of judgement and scrutiny as women do about settling down.

Everyone is so ready to remind us women that our clocks are ticking, but ladies and gentlemen, it takes two to tango.