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If you stop reading here, you’ve taken just two seconds. You’ve read the cover and two sentences. Great. Two seconds. Now Three. But if you go on and flip through this here zine, if you take it with you and go through all of it, you’ll have spent a calculated five minutes with this publication—time it. Read it here. You don’t need to do it all at once. Read it as your iTunes updates, as you wait for coffee to drip, or the bus to come. We don’t think you’ll regret it. This is your time. That is understood. We just want you to get to know us. In between figuring out which kegs in the agency still flow, we write stories, take pictures, illustrate, design, draw, paint. We compiled this, here. Call it what you will, it’s our work. And we’ve already said it won’t take much of your time. The important thing you need to know and remember is that when you think of going to the bathroom, know there will be a Number 2 waiting for you. Enjoy every Number 2.
TIMETABLE OF CONTENTS A Verbal Handshake It’s Pretzel Time The Largest Known Star I Draw My Own Reality Dimestore Board Games: Endless Amusement for the Global Family (But A Gun is Not a Toy! Usually.) How to Do Work in WK12 A Tale of a Wannabe NBA Journalist My Name is Jonah Bonah! Egg Pan, Noodle Pot Nature In Your Neighborhood Will You Marinetti Me Squattin’ Healthy Bathroom Drugs
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Twitter started with fourteen people and an idea. President Obama started as an ice cream scooper at Baskin-Robbins. Norma Jeane aka Marilyn Monroe started on a factory assembly line. Jerry Seinfeld sold light bulbs over the phone. Everyone started somewhere. Where did the people at WK start? Brandon Pierce, copywriter on Nike, almost failed at his first job. He was 15 years old and worked at Pretzel Time in Durham, NC. On his first day he couldn’t twist the dough fast enough. After the second day, he wanted to quit because the manager was a “bitch” about it, but his mother wouldn’t let him. She took him to the grocery store where they bought dough and stayed up until 2am perfecting the craft of the pretzel twist. This achievement, cinnamon sugar pretzels, and his uniform (a white collared shirt with a pink neon pretzel on the front) convinced him to stay for one year. The journey to the top isn’t always easy, but that struggle is what makes it so damn beautiful once you’re there. And if you’re not into that, there is a product out there to make you feel like you’ve gone the distance.
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It’s Pretzel Time!
If you are lethargic, motherless, or like collecting pointless kitchen gadgets, this is the pretzel maker for you. Just roll the dough, stamp and go! Only $5.99 at thehomemarketplace.com.
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A tale of a wannabe NBA journalist. Friday. Blazers training center. The media room is small. Journalists are waiting. They are comfortable, I am not. A tv shows the world cup draw. Italy and Usa are in easy groups. Good. The gym is behind a closed door. I hear the ball bouncing. The coach talking. Players running. Shoes screeching. I am here. But I am not. The door opens. Practice is over. Now it’s just shooting time. Journalists are allowed in. I walk to the corner close to the weight room. Ahamad Rashad is here. And me. He looks perfect. Glowing. Not a wrinkle. I feel out of place. Rudy, Martell and Brandon are taking shots. The big guys are posting up and shooting mid-range jumpers. In the far corner Andre Miller is doing his own thing. Jerryd Bayless comes close. He smiles and it seems like he is waiting for me. I am not here for you. Oden is done. Almost everyone walks toward him. “Hi. I am Greg Oden, and you are watching NBA TV with Ahamad Rashad”. One more take, Greg. I let the newspaper journalists go before me. I need more time. Oden is done. Now we can talk. He invites me to sit down with him. He is very friendly and accommodating. He makes me feel comfortable. We start laughing. Good sign. The interview is over. He tells me that he still can’t live without Kool Aid. See you tomorrow. I am now speaking with Patty Mills. We have common friends from Australia. I feel at ease. It’s Saturday. Rose Garden. Media entry. Hollinger from ESPN is here. And me. I am on the court. T-Mac is shooting. Wow, he is still here. The Rockets run on the court. I almost crash with Aaron Brooks. Face to face. That’s how I would look if I would play in the NBA. 5 minutes to game time. I walk to the media seats. Nice. Chinese journalists. It’s still Yao’s team. Screen with stats in front of me, showing college football. Texas win. I don’t care. The game starts. 4.10 into the first quarter. Score 6-3. Aaron Brooks drives in. Oden follows him. He jumps to block the shot. Oden is done. The Rose Garden is silent. Sad.
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Nature in your neighborhood.
Do you know what plants and animals you step over, run by or step on, everyday? Native, pacific northwest flora and fauna make this place special. And while I know you make this place special too, I’ve always been one to respect my elders.
Mahonia aquifolium Mahonia aquifolium or Tall Oregon grape didn’t become Oregon’s state flower for nothing. This miracle plant stabilizes land disturbed by construction, is a viable food source for native animals such as deer and elk, is decorative and its berries make delicious jam and wine. First Nations people used bark and berries for liver, gall-bladder and eye problems because of its antibacterial properties. 23
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Tim Allen Gregg Allman Daniel Baldwin Marion Barry Ol’ Dirty Bastard Bo Bice Yasmine Bleeth Danny Bonaduce Todd Bridges Gary Busey Noelle Bush Ken Caminiti 50 Cent Roger Clinton D’Angelo Trick Daddy Andy Dick Snoop Dogg Pete Doherty Richard Dreyfuss Faith Evans Perry Farrell Corey Feldman Flavor Flav Jodie Foster Boy George Kelsey Grammer Dan Haggerty Don Henley Henry Hill Steve Howe Michael Irvin Jamal Lewis Kim Mathers Denny McLain Mackenzie Phillips Keith Richards Eric Roberts Jake “The Snake” Roberts Christian Slater Darryl Strawberry Lawrence Taylor Ike Turner Mike Tyson
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Home Improvement An Allman Brother A Baldwin brother Mayor of Washington, DC Wu-Tang Clan American Idol runner-up Baywatch babe The Partridge Family Diff’rent Strokes The Buddy Holly Story Niece of George W. Bush Former National League MVP Wanksta, P.I.M.P. Black sheep in Clinton family Grammy-winning R&B Singer Thug Comedien Rapper, Man about town Ex-frontman for The Libertines Close Encounters of the Third Kind Notorious B.I.G.’s widow Jane’s Addiction One of the Coreys Public Enemy Taxi Driver Karma Chameleon From Cheers to Frasier Grizzly Adams The Eagles Mobster inspired Goodfellas MLB pitcher Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Baltimore Ravens running back Eminem’s two-time ex-wife Cy Young Award winner Julie on One Day at a Time The Rolling Stones Restraining Order Former crack addict, pro wrestler Kuffs, True Romance Troubled former baseball player NFL hall of famer Kept Tina in her place Crazy tattooed lispy boxer, recidivist
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