What to Say WHEN YOU ATTEND A VISITATION & FUNERAL
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aise your hand if you get a bit nervous attending a visitation or funeral because you don’t know the right words to say? Yes, I see all of your hands! I know that I still get a little nervous going to a visitation of someone I loved because what do you say to the family? “I’m so sorry”? This may seem trite even though you are sorry. You’re sorry that the family is in emotional pain; you’re sorry that they’re hurting. There are things to avoid saying to a family such as, “She’s in a better place,” or “Heaven sure needed another angel,” or “You’re going to feel better soon.” Many phrases sound comforting; however, in the moment of loss, they offer no comfort. If you’ve previously lost someone (ex. your spouse) and are at the funeral home speaking to a new widow, do not compare your loss to theirs. Saying, “I know how you’re feeling,” can be one of the most hurtful phrases. You will never know how anyone else is feeling in their loss, even if you’ve lost your spouse previously; it’s never the exact same situation, therefore you will never know exactly how they feel. A month down the road, if you’re talking to the person, you could share, “You know, when I lost my spouse, I went through (blank). Are you finding the same after losing your husband?” This sentiment is supportive and helpful and will connect you as widows. You are coming to them as a friend and trying to help them with what you have experienced. When you’re standing at the funeral home though, when their spouse, child, or whichever
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relation just died, there’s no comparison. Avoid those words and let it be about them.
As a Visitor
As a visitor to the funeral home, you can easily begin a conversation about the deceased, especially if you didn’t know them and only knew a family member. You can ask questions by looking at a photo board and saying, “Wow, I didn’t know that she tap-danced when she was younger,” or reflect on an item in the room, “Wow, they really loved football!” Ask a question about their life. Don’t talk about the death. The family has told that death story too many times and wants to tell you something about their loved one’s life. They want nothing more than to reflect back on the amazing life they shared with the deceased. If you want to offer condolences and keep it simple you could say, “I am so sorry; it’s really obvious that she was so loved,” or “Know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.” It may seem cliché but it’s a nice sentiment.
As the Grieving Family
As funeral directors, we try to coach families on what may be said to them at a funeral or gathering time. The gathering time is for people to come and love on you as a family and tell you they’re sorry and give you support. However, guests may say things to you that actually hurt you, without intent to hurt. Remember that people are coming to show you they love you and they’re saying things they think are helpful but may seem cold.
Examples of this may be, “At least he is at peace”, “God needed her more,” “Well you can always have more kids,” or “You are young and can marry again.” When people say these phrases, it is really a code language for “I love you and I don’t know what else to say.” Remember the intent is to love and support and that the person showed up; try not to remember that their words did not do what they were intended to do. Lastly, everybody reacts to death and funeral homes differently. We often talk too much and say the wrong things, as previously listed. Sometimes people’s nervous reactions are laughter, not being able to look you in the eye, or uncontrollable crying when they didn’t know the deceased well. Funeral homes are not somewhere people want to visit and funerals are a situation that’s uncomfortable for many people. If you have a loss, don’t take offense and don’t jump to conclusions. Remember that people are there because they love you. The visitation and service times are a great time of support for those who have lost someone. When you choose to support your friends, remember to keep it simple by sharing a story of the deceased or just a hug and let the moment be about them and their loved one.
Kari Northey is a funeral director and embalmer in Southwest Michigan. She vlogs weekly on her self-titled YouTube Channel, where she empowers, educates, and embraces her viewers with knowledge about funerals and disposition and caring for loved ones after a death.
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