My Grief Journey The Year of Firsts

Brenda Prowse

My husband died.

Those three words are hard to write and this is the first time I’ve actually written them down. It brings a harsh reality into an even harsher focus. The how and why it happened to him at 55 are honestly irrelevant. It happened. It was sudden. And now I’m alone, facing a future that is far different from what I thought it would be. A widow at 54 was definitely not part of the plan.

My help to others is in the form of my new understanding of this type of grief Grief for a beloved partner, which is far different from that of losing a parent I do know as I’ve lost both of mine

Here are some of the things I’ve learned that I wish to pass along:

1. Everyone does grieve differently - Some cry, some talk, some bake, some seek out others, some want to be alone. "Just do YOU" . Without apologies or excuses. You have no obligation to provide them

And so, I tearfully embark on my journey I have seen others go this path before me, some sudden, others expected, and I know that grief can affect us in a variety of ways So, the logical side of me knew I had to be proactive about my mental health and wellbeing I immediately took steps to engage a psychologist and then a grief counselor to help make sense of my feelings. I’m a fairly strong, levelheaded person and perhaps it may seem professional help was not really required but honestly, it did help to talk about him and be able to say his name out loud and often.

So why exactly am I writing about this? Well, I have heard it’s cathartic to journal and also, just maybe, I can help someone else who is on this journey

2. Grief does not have a timeline - Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re still sad every, single, day Try not to wallow in it but grant yourself the luxury of no timeline And, by the way, the year of firsts is NOT a timeline

3. Allow yourself the freedom to speak your partner’s name - Most people, if they are true friends, will not mind or feel uncomfortable.

4. Do whatever it is you need to make yourself feel better - Talk to a priest, minister, rabbi. See a psychic. Have your cards read. Visit the grave or a special place you shared. Do whatever helps you feel just a little bit better and connected. Just try not to break the bank!

5. Consider holding a Celebration of Life - Make it just exactly that, a celebration. Whatever it is you feel your partner would have enjoyed, do that. Mine was a backyard party with a rock band, bar and catered food. My darling would have loved it. Something like this does not need to happen right away. Do it whenever you feel ready.

6. On “big” or “special” occasions, mark them in ways that make you feel good - In the first year I visited his grave weekly. On special occasions like Valentine’s and his birthday, I placed a flower on his grave, alone. I also bought gifts for myself that I felt he would have chosen. On Thanksgiving I skipped town and visited a friend so I didn’t have to be around others. I just wasn't ready. And that was ok.

7. Know that it’s ok to be happy - This one honestly took me awhile to get to but it is truly better if you don’t hold back on a smile or laughter. You can still chuckle and miss someone. They really would be happy knowing you are happy

8. There is no “right time” to date or find another partner - I currently don’t have anyone else in my life and am not looking. But that doesn’t mean I might not be open to it. We all have different needs and some people feel that ache and need to fill a void. Fill it whenever you want and ignore those who ask “isn’t it too soon” or “isn’t it about time you start getting out there”?

9. Keep rituals if you want to - We had certain activities for various occasions, like watching “Elf” during Christmas I will do that every year I may cry a bit, but I will also laugh

And,

10. Do something in their name that makes yo feel good - I did a few things I donated a par bench by a pond where we often walked I also gav clothes to a homeless shelter that we supported H would have absolutely loved both ideas y g will learn the coping skills I need to move forward and continue to live my life without that incredible man by my side. I have lost the best partner a person could ask for but I am forever blessed because I experienced the love of a lifetime. I believe I had something people often seek out their whole lives and never find.

He did not make me whole or complete me. I’m a whole person as I am. But rather, he complemented me. Together we were a beautiful melody. And while now it seems I must sing, I know he is nearby, providing a harmony….always, and forever.